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Dear Readers,
A Merry Christmas season to all who celebrate! This year, as my
Christmas gift to you, I have decided to do a little research into what family,
friends, and strangers with whom I come into contact think are the worst
Christmas songs ever – and then, I clawed apart the lyrics to see why they were
so bad! There were many, many entries, and I had to spend valuable nap-time to
sort through them all, but for my readers I will brave even a lack of sleep!
Without further ado, I present…
Tazi-Kat’s List of
Top Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever
#5 – Last Christmas,
by Wham!
As my Mommie’s brother pointed out, this song is not a
Christmas song; it is “a breakup song! George Michael just added the word ‘Christmas’
to it and set it to a jingly beat!” I used to kinda-sorta like this song (until
the cast of Glee covered it); now, it ranks at #5 on my list.
#4 – Christmas Shoes,
by New Song/Bob Carlisle
The reason this song is so pathetically bad is that is designed
to bring people to tears over someone else’s misfortune, but when you actually dissect
the lyrics you find several large problems with the entire scenario,
starting with the fact that a little boy is allowed to run to the shoe store, by
himself, while his mother lay on her deathbed! Yeah, that’s very believable…actually,
it is more believable than a kid knowing his Mom’s shoe size.
#3 – Father Christmas,
by The Kinks
Perhaps one of the more rockin’ Christmas songs out there,
I admit that I have been caught tapping my tail to the beat! However, the whole song
is about how a bunch of young, poor children of unemployed parents mugged Santa
and made violent requests like “a machine gun, so I can scare all the kids down
the street”. The song then suggests that we all “remember all the kids who got
nothin’ while you’re drinking down your wine”. Haven’t these people never hear
of Toys for Tots or other charities that assist with holiday gifts for the
poor? There is no reason why deserving
children should receive nothing for Christmas. On the other hand, children who
mug Santa do not deserve presents…
#2 – We Wish You An Adequate Festive Period, by The Happees
Although the picture of a cat with human hands instead of
paws gives me the creeps, I personally love this song and have been posting it
to Facebook (ad nauseam) since last Christmas. Unfortunately, not everybody is feeling the
love for “Dracula laughing for no reason”, which is why this song makes it to
#2 on my list (I am saving the #1 spot for a very special song!). A warning for
all who choose to play this song: You will not be able to get it out of your
head! (My Mommie posted this song to RI Governor Lincoln Chafee's Facebook page in protest of his calling the State House Christmas Tree a "Holiday Tree").
#1 – Do They Know It's Christmas?, by Band Aid
This song has a very catchy tune, but have you ever listened
to the lyrics? They are fraught with bad information! This song deserves a list
of its own, so here are the Top 5 worst lyrics in the Worst Christmas Song Ever!
5.
“There’s a
world outside your window, it’s a world of dreaded fear, where the only water
flowing is a bitter sting of tears”
Has Band
Aid never heard of the Nile
River
4. “And there won’t be snow
in Africa this Christmastime…”
In 1899,
author Joseph Conrad referred to Africa as “the
dark continent”; apparently, Band-Aid
still sees it that way, generalizing the continent as one giant, generic region, and
not a multitude of different
countries and climates that make up this vast land that spans the world's two hemispheres. (FYI, Band-Aid: Many regions of the
African continent see snow).
3. “Where nothing ever
grows, no rain or rivers flow”
Okay, I
have already pointed out that the Nile river
flows through the Eastern portion of the African
continent (through Uganda, Ethiopia, Sudan, Burundi, and Egypt, to be precise), but I have a problem with the rest of this statement, too. The entire continent of Africa
is not a desert! The African continent is home to many lush and tropical regions that are perfect for growing
crops and trees. The eastern coast of Africa (including the island of Madagascar )
is a tropical rain forest, while the average rainfall across the continent varies from 20 – 60 inches
per year, which is similar to rainfall amounts in countries like the United States and the United Kingdom!
2. “Here’s to them
underneath that burning sun”
The
assumption that the entire continent of Africa
is constantly under a “burning sun” is just
pure ignorance. I realize this song is about Ethiopia
(which is never actually mentioned in the song), but does Band
Aid realize that Ethiopia
has three seasons, and that they are
not “hot, hotter, and hottest”? Do they also know that the month of December (a.k.a. “Christmastime”) falls during
the coolest season of the year in Ethiopia , with temperatures ranging from 16 degrees C/61 degrees F (in the highlands) to 28 degrees C/82 degrees F (in the lowlands)? This means that if you are toasting Ethiopians at
Christmastime, they are quite comfortable,
possibly even a little chilly, and not dehydrating under a burning sun.
1. “Well tonight that God it’s them, instead of you”.
This has to
be the biggest “$%#&! you” in the history of music! What makes it worse is that Bono – yes, the humanitarian and winner
of the Nobel Peace Prize, that Bono –
intones the words, advising
us to take a moment as we celebrate in our “world of plenty” to be grateful that we are not among the starving and drought-ridden
people of the never directly
mentioned Ethiopia. Why not ask us to give
from our plenty? That seems
like the proper thing to ask…
 |
| Bono's cat, circa 1985? |
I hope you have all enjoyed my Worst Christmas Song Ever
Countdown! Feel free to add your own in the comments section below, on my
Facebook page, or via Twitter, through the hashtag AskTazi or directly by tweeting @TaziKat.
Snuggles,
TaziAsk Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
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