Life A "Cluster-Fluke" For Woman Who Believed Unfounded Gossip

Dear Tazi:

My life has turned into one big, giant cluster-fluke and I need some help sorting things out. I come from a large family with several sisters and many female cousins; we all grew up very close and that closeness has not faded, even though we are now all adults with families of our own.

My problem started about two years ago, right after my youngest sister got married. Her husband “Sam” told me that, as much as it pained him to say it, he had to let me know that my cousin “Marcy” was gossiping about me and my sisters, telling him all kinds of dirty laundry as her way of welcoming him to the family. Although I had never known Marcy to gossip I had no reason to believe that Sam would lie about her, so I believed Sam.

Rather than confronting Marcy directly, I needled her every chance I got. If she commented on my Facebook page or pictures I posted, I would attack her – right there on my page, not in a private message – for some imagined slight in her words. When she apologized, I saw it as my chance to attack her further. Finally, Marcy got sick of it and told me that she “apparently only opens her mouth to change feet” and would stop posting anything to my page. I took this as an opportunity to gleefully and publicly announce that was going to unfriend her, since looking without commenting is creeping, and then I did just that. That was a year and a half ago, and I have not spoken to Marcy since.

Over the last year and a half my marriage has taken a downward spiral as my husband finds more and more reasons to stay out of the house and away from me and the kids. I have not said anything to my family, who think my marriage is picture-perfect – a façade I can uphold because I live an hour and a half away from the rest of my family. However, I live in a small town where nobody’s business is private and everyone here knows how much time my husband spends down at the bar. Enter Marcy, who just got a new job working in my small town.

The rest of our family does not know that we are not speaking; they just assume that we never see each other because we are both too busy to visit. When I heard Marcy was working in my town, I waited for her outside of work one night to talk to her, face-to-face, and tell her that I would appreciate it if she did not gossip about me to the rest of the family; that anything she heard in town should stay in town. Marcy looked at me icily and replied, “I have never gossiped about you in the past, why would I start now?” She asked me to give her regards to my Mom, got in her car, and drove off, leaving me to wonder if Marcy had forgotten all of the cruel things she had said about me and my sisters or if Sam had by lying about it.

I have been unable to get a moment’s peace since that conversation with Marcy. I need to know if she was telling the truth or if Sam’s story is the real one. I am worried that Marcy will tell my family about my marital issues (she has to know, everyone else in town does). If she is a gossip, she must have sworn everyone she told to secrecy; no phone calls from family have come in yet. If she is not a gossip, this means Sam was lying to me – but I have no idea why! I have noticed that Sam likes to be the center of attention, but he usually just blows his own horn and brags; I have never heard him put someone else down or tell tales about them.

So, to recap: my marriage is secretly a mess, the cousin I scolded into humiliation is the only family member who knows this, she may be a gossip but my brother-in-law might be lying and I have no idea which is true so I have no idea who to confront, nor do I know if my private business is going to be the next topic at the family barbecue! 

Signed,

Bothered And Bewildered

Dear Bothered And Bewildered:

Wow. You are living quite a soap opera, aren't you? The worst part of all this is that you have brought it upon yourself by believing…gossip about Marcy! When Sam came to you with an unfounded – and difficult to believe – accusation that Marcy was gossiping about you he in turn was spreading a rumor about Marcy; instead of approaching Marcy and sorting out all the confusion, you acted as judge and jury and condemned her on the spot. Using Facebook as a vehicle for your anger was cruel and childish and only served to further the gap between the two of you; I am reminded of the William Blake poem “A Poison Tree”. Do the lines ring familiar to you?

The first thing you need to do is trust your instincts. You say you have never known Marcy to gossip, so ask yourself why she would start. If you can’t think of a reason, give her the benefit of the doubt and approach Sam. Ask him point blank – as you should have to begin with – exactly what Marcy said about you and your sisters. If it was so harsh that he felt the need to tell you, I doubt his memory will have completely faded by now. If he tried to “save” you from hearing the details or uses any other kind of stalling tactic, there is a good chance he is lying to you. Why he is lying is not important; maybe he just doesn’t like Marcy for whatever reason, some relationships are like that. However, you cannot allow him to destroy your relationship with Marcy over (possibly) untruthful and (in my opinion) mean-spirited statements.

The next thing to do is to go see Marcy. You know where she works, so why not ask her to join you for coffee after work? I am sure she would love to see your kids again. Tell her that you owe her an apology for taking out your temper on her in such a public way, and tell her that you should have asked her about this in private two years ago: Did she ever gossip about you and your sisters, even to other family members? You do not have to tell her it was Sam who suggested that she was a gossip because she probably already knows, judging by her reaction to you in the parking lot of her job. Whatever Marcy tells you, accept her at her word – and accept that this relationship needs repair, starting with the two of you letting go of your anger towards each other.

 Anger is a funny thing…we may think nobody knows about it but it can fester and affect the relationships we have with those around us – including a spouse. Could your husband want to spend less and less time at home because your attitude has changed over the last year and a half? Look deep for the answers; ask him to accompany you to a few counseling sessions to get to the root of your problems or even go by yourself to figure out why you were so quick to believe someone else’s gossip and so slow to let go of your anger.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Daughter Jumps To Conclusions About Young Step-Mother

Dear Tazi:

I am in my mid-twenties. I own my own home and have a wonderful relationship with my life partner. I am financially independent of my parents and live within my means so as to live debt free. I made these choices after seeing how screwed up money can make people! My family is not Paris Hilton wealthy, but I would be a liar if I said I did not grow up among the upper class, country club set. I am not ashamed of where I come from, it’s just as I said; money makes life a lot more complicated – which is why I am writing to you. Money is once again complicating my life.

Last year, my father married his gold-digging girlfriend “Daisy”. She is half his age, and only a few years older than me. Dad refused to see her for the person she is, even though she had no problem with revealing her true colors to my sister and me. I won’t get into the details, but the woman is evil. She is also pregnant, even though Dad was adamant about not having more children.

I discovered Daisy’s condition when I stopped by after work to see my father. Daisy was in the parlor with one of her friends commenting on how a baby will “cement the relationship, especially if it is a boy”. Daisy saw me there, smiled an evil grin, and told me that she was going to give my father what my mother could not! Tazi, I felt sick to my stomach. My father has always told my sister and me that he loves us and never regretted having daughters. Daisy and I got into it, and some unpleasant things were said; including how she planned on “taking care of things” to make sure she only gave my father boys. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but now I might.

It has been two months since that conversation with Daisy, and she has not yet told my father she is expecting. I feel as though she is betraying him by telling her friends before telling him, but obviously I do not believe it is my news to break to him. However, I have a bad feeling that she is planning on having an abortion if she is carrying a girl, which would explain why she is keeping her pregnancy from my Dad. Do you think I should tell my Dad what’s going on?

Signed,
Gatsby Girl

Dear Gatsby Girl:

I admire your maturity and your efforts to earn your own way in the world, rather than depend upon your family’s income to support a lavish lifestyle. I also admire your loyalty to your father, and can understand your bitterness towards Daisy, especially if she is as bad as you describe. Please remember, though, that your father chose to marry her and you need to learn to respect his choice even if you cannot bring yourself to accept her.

Regarding your conversation with Daisy: Are you certain that she is pregnant? Remember, you walked in on a private conversation and only heard one part of it – how a baby “will” cement her relationship with your father, but not that is already has. When the two of you “got into it”, did Daisy actually say she was expecting? There are medical means that allow a couple to choose the sex of their baby; could this be what Daisy meant when she said she would “take care of things” to ensure a boy? I realize that you do not think highly of Daisy, but to assume she would abort a child because it is female is quite a stretch, notwithstanding things like cost and recovery (both physical and emotional). None of this would be easy to hide.

My advice to you is to sit down with your father and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If Daisy feels that her marriage needs cementing it could be that all is not as your father expected. As his daughter, I believe that your father would appreciate you taking an interest in his life – period – so I suggest you start by asking him to coffee just to catch up on each other’s lives. If all goes well, make it a weekly thing – father-daughter time does not have to stop just because you are both adults; spending time together can help to adjust the dynamic between the two of you to a more equal footing. Once communication between the two of you has been reestablished you, you can consider bringing up what you overheard Daisy saying, so long as you do not use an accusatory tone. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear (especially if you heard it through the grapevine!)..

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.