Sexless Marriage Could Be Due To Physical Dysfunction

Dear Tazi:

My husband, “Philip” frequently has friends over to watch sporting events at our house (we have a wonderful game room for such occasions).  As the Lady of the House I enjoy providing snacks and beverages, both non-alcoholic as well as alcoholic, for these events; ergo I often hear snippets of conversation as I come and go from the game room.  My husband’s friends can frequently be heard complaining about how their wives never want to have sex with them, and to my shock and dismay, Philip joins in with his own complaints!  Tazi, the lack of sex in my marriage is not my fault!  It is my husband who never wants to be intimate!

Over the years I have tried to persuade Philip to be more affectionate.  I have tried perfumes and sexy lingerie, silky nightgowns, even coming to bed wearing nothing but a pair of pasties and a g-string!  Nothing I do puts my husband in the mood, and when I ask him what is wrong he simply replies, “Nothing; I am just tired after a long day at work”.  

Philip and I have been married for ten years.  In the early years, affection was sporadic and short-lived; after our fifth anniversary it became non-existent.  I have no desire for any man but my husband, but I do have a desire for sexual intimacy, Tazi!  Do you have any ideas to help me light the flame of my husband’s affections once more?  We are only in our thirties!  I do not want to imagine spending the rest of my life like this!

Signed,

Married But Lonely

Dear Married But Lonely:

I cannot be certain, but from what you write it sounds like your husband suffers from a sexual dysfunction.  It is not that he does not desire sex, but that he is unable to last long enough to fulfill your needs; consequently sex makes him feel like he has somehow failed you and failed as a man, therefore the cure to the problem is to simply avoid sex altogether.  

You need to have a frank talk with Philip – about what you have overheard and how much it hurt you, as well as your persona desires for more intimacy.  You need to encourage Philip to see a certified urologist to seek help for his problem, because this is not normal behavior for a healthy young man.  Let Philip know that this issue is affecting more than your feelings; it is affecting your marriage.

As for Philip’s “guy talk” with his buddies, try to ignore it.  I realize that it hurts, but he is just trying to fit in with his friends.  No matter how old we get, the desire to be one of the gang never fades.

Snuggles,

Tazi

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