Nervous Nelly Makes Man Feel Mothered, Not Manly

Dear Tazi:

I was out of work for about three months this year, and financially things have been tough. I have finally been able to land a job as the night manager for a chain liquor store, but it is not in a very good neighborhood. I am not a [wimp] and know how to handle myself in difficult or dangerous situations (I spent four years in the Navy), but my girlfriend thinks I am going to end up in the hospital or the morgue if I keep working here.

I have been dating "Clarice" for about six months now, and she is an amazing woman. I can see myself building a future with her, but the only problem is she is so overprotective of me to the point where she tries to control my life. When I first took the job at the liquor store, she threatened to leave me if I "put my life in danger" by working there; I ignored the threat, and we are still together. In fact, she is in the other room right now so I have to make this quick!

Every night before I leave for work, Clarice asks me to call her before leaving in case it's the last time she ever gets to speak to me; text her when I arrive, so she knows I got there safe; text her on my break and again when I leave; and then to call her when I get home so she knows I arrived there safe. I want my girlfriend to act like my girlfriend, not my mother. If you haven't guessed already, Clarice is the sensitive type so you can imagine how any attempt at fixing this problem will head, but I can't take it anymore! How would you discuss this with your "lady friend" if she acted like Clarice?

Signed,
Butch

Dear Butch:

I am between lady friends at the moment, since Mommie disapproved of my last one; she called her a "'round the way kitty" and suggested that mine was not the only fence she was climbing! She was far too aggressive for me anyway, so I hissed at her and she got the message. Have you tried hissing at Clarice when she gets too emotionally aggressive with you? Do humans hiss?

I suppose the big question here is, do you enjoy your job working as a night manager at a liquor store in a bad neighborhood? I am not being facetious. My Mommie and several of her friends have worked in liquor stores, and the word from them is that they can be fun places to work, so I ask again: do you enjoy your current job? Can you see yourself advancing within the company or is this a dead-end job, and does either path appeal to you? If you answer no to both of these questions, then Clarice's concerns will be rendered moot when you tire of this job and find a different one.

If you enjoy your job and do not see yourself moving on to greener pastures then you will have to reach a compromise with Clarice. Personally, I think it is sweet but morbid that she wants to talk with you before work each night in case it is the "last time" she will get to speak to you, but the fact remains that none of us know which moment will be our last; if it makes her happy to hear your voice before you head into work I do not think this is an unreasonable request, so long as it does not make you late for work. A quick text while you are on your break is not unreasonable either, so long as Clarice does not expect you to spend your entire break texting her; and a short phone call before calling it a night is a tradition for many couples. If you are too tired to call when you get home from work, Clarice will have to learn to be satisfied with a polite text message saying so.

From what you write, it does not seem that your girlfriend feels any more concern for you than other girlfriends do for their partners; she just expresses her concerns in a melodramatic manner that can be off-putting. Since she is sensitive, I will not make you deliver a verbal message that she needs to tone it down a notch; I suggest you print a copy of this column and leave it where she will find it, which will lead to a natural opening for a conversation, should she wish to have one. If Clarice does not wish to talk about the issue, give her time to try and modify her behavior. It is quite obvious that she loves you and does not want to lose you, but she needs to have more faith in your ability to care for yourself. (Are you listening, Miss Clarice?).

Snuggles,
Tazi

If you drink, stay home...your home, not mine!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When You Marry Someone You Marry Their Family, Too

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend and I are considering marriage, but I don’t think I can go through with it. I love “Jason” dearly, but his mother hates me and makes no secret of it. I am Jewish and Jason is Catholic, which is a part of her problem, but to be fair I do not think my religion is the only reason she hates me. I think she is the kind of woman who thinks no woman is good enough for her son.
A few months ago, she invited me to celebrate Easter dinner with her family. I politely refused on religious grounds – Easter falls during Passover this year, and I would not be able to partake in a non-kosher meal. Technically, I am not supposed to even enter a house that has leavening agents in it, but I am not that strict in my observance. Jason’s mother took this as a personal insult, and let me know that the day would come that I would regret turning down her hospitality. I believe that day has come - and sooner than I thought.

Jason’s mother had invited me over for dinner to let bygones be bygones; I thought she meant well, but when I arrived, Jason’s father let me in and I walked in on an argument between Jason and his mother. Jason was upset with her for inviting me over but then not preparing a kosher meal while his mother was yelling that she was not about to go out and buy all new cookware and prep tools in order to satisfy “a ridiculously outmoded belief”. To his credit Jason told me to leave my jacket on, that we were leaving.

I could not believe that his mother invited me over for dinner and then planned on serving me a non-kosher meal; to me, it was a slap in the face and I am glad that Jason discovered her plan before I sat down to eat. Her comments about my dietary guidelines were equally upsetting – I almost asked her if she eats meat on Fridays, but was too shocked to speak.

Jason knows how upset I am over his mother’s treatment of me, but he will not address her about it directly, preferring to take a passive stance to try and keep both of us happy. Well, I am not happy.

Signed,
Loves him, Loves Him Not

Dear Loves Him, Loves him Not:
Jason’s mother sounds like an uncompromising piece of work. Her attitude is very un-Christian, and she needs to work on her attitude – regardless of her motivation for treating you so poorly. For her to invite you into her home and then cook a meal she knows you cannot eat is a slap in the face to you and your faith; her comments are indefensible. Still and all, she is your boyfriend’s mother; if you were to marry him she is a part of the package.

You might want to reconsider that marriage proposal...

I suggest you tell Jason what you have told me – that you are not happy. It could be that he does not want to stand up to his mother in front of you, for fear of upsetting her further, but will stand up for you in your absence. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and enter into a meaningful discussion – on the matter of his mother, her treatment of you, and his lack of defense – with an open mind. Hopefully, once he hears how hurt you are, he will change his behavior and be willing to take a stand for you while you are there to witness it.

Since you and Jason have been considering marriage, I strongly advise that you attend pre-marital counseling sessions in order to clear the air between the two of you. Before any of this happens, though, you need to decide if you want to marry into Jason’s family. If the answer is no, then you must be up-front and honest with him about why you cannot see yourself building a permanent life with him and let the chips fall where they may. I wish you all the best; your situation is not an easy one.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Embarrassing Foot Odor Hurting Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I have the embarrassing problem of severe foot odor. I have tried powders and crèmes to try and cure it, but nothing seems to work. I never really thought it to be too big an issue, but I recently started dating a woman that has put a snag in my habit of always wearing shoes.

“Robyn” has wall-to-wall carpeting throughout her house and, in an effort to keep tose rugs looking new, she does not allow people to wear shoes in her house; they most be removed in the mudroom before entering the main house. I have not yet been by Robyn’s house because of this rule. I know if I take off my shoes the smell of my feet will end up disgusting her, and that will be the end of this relationship.

Robyn keeps asking me when I am going to come by her place, asks me in for coffee at the end of our dates, and has told me she wants to make me dinner some evening. I am getting the hint that she wants something more – and I would, too – but I am afraid my foot odor will get in the way of any romance.

Tazi, can you think of any way to get past Robyn’s front door? At least until I have found a way to resolve my foot odor problem?

Signed,

Smelly Feet

Dear Smelly Feet:

Foot odor can be caused by a number of things, but if you keep your feet clean and dry the reason is probably medical. An infection – bacterial or fungal – can cause unbearable odor and you may need a prescription medication to conquer it. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor, who may refer you to a podiatrist (foot doctor) in order to conquer this problem with a permanent solution.

In the meantime, here are a few suggestions for your predicament: If you are not already wearing them, choose white cotton socks over colored or polyester socks. Sometimes, dyes can irritate our skin leaving it weakened and prone to infection. Cotton, unlike polyester, absorbs moisture, which is another cause of foot odor (bacteria feed off of the nutrients in our sweat). Although I do not like to recommend specific brand products (I am not a spokescat) I do like the feeling of Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder on my paws; it leaves them feeling tingly and smelling fresh. I think it might do the same for you, and powder absorbs moisture, as well.

A way to get around Robyn’s no-shoes rule would be to buy a pair of men’s soft soled slippers exclusively for use at her place (you can even leave them just inside her door, a la the Japanese style). Inform Robyn that you are uncomfortable walking around in your stocking feet (which is not a lie, just an overview of your reasoning) and that you purchased these slippers for exclusive use at her house. Show her the soft soles so she will see that they will not wreck her rugs, and will keep worn socks (and the dirt they may track) off of her carpeting. If Robyn is not amenable to this compromise, perhaps it is time to reconsider your relationship with her. A person who values her carpets over the reasonable comfort of the man in her life might not be the right person for you.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Lack Of Trust Can Damage The Relationships You Value The Most

Dear Tazi:

I must be the biggest cretin on the face of the planet. My live-in boyfriend has been acting very secretive for the past several months, so I was convinced he was cheating on me. He would say he was working overtime to explain long absences, yet I never saw any additional cash in our joint bank account so I assumed the worst.

After three months of this suspicious behavior, I secretly checked the call log on his cell phone and was crushed to discover several phone calls lasting 20 minutes or more to my best friend! I confronted "Jason" and asked him how long he had been sleeping with my best friend. He denied all of my accusations and told me I was "acting crazy" and that he would never cheat on me, but he could not give me a good reason why he had logged so many calls to my best friend. He actually had the nerve to say that I must have used his phone to call her!

I told Jason to pack his stuff and get out, but he refused so I did. Of course my best friend tried calling me to tell me that she was not sleeping with Jason, but I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed in a cheap motel for two weeks, when Jason called to tell me he wanted to talk and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant. It was a week before my 30th birthday, and I really didn't want to be turning 30 all alone, so I gave in with the hope that maybe we could salvage our relationship.

When I got to the restaurant, I got the surprise of my life. Jason and my best friend had been in close contact for the past several months. It turns out that they were planning my surprise birthday party. Jason had been working overtime all this time, too; he used the money to fly my parents in from the East coast so they could be here to celebrate with me.

Jason acted like everything was normal all through my party, so I thought everything was okay between us, but after the party he told me we really did need to talk. He told me that he loved me, but that we needed to take a big step backwards in our relationship until I can learn to trust him. He asked me to move back into our apartment, but is staying in the guest room until our lease is up, and then wants to see where we are before he decides if we should continue living together, or even stay together as a couple. Since Jason is close to my best friend, I asked her to talk to him for me, but she replied - quite coolly - that she already had, and that she had at least convinced him to give me another chance.

Tazi, I can't understand why they are both still so angry with me. Why can't they see things from my point of view? They would have thought the same thing if they were in my shoes! Wouldn't they? How can I make things right with the two most important friends I have - my boyfriend and my best friend?

Signed,
Hating 30...So Far

Dear Hating 30...So Far:

Quite honestly, I don't think your boyfriend would immediately jump to the conclusion that you were cheating on him with his best friend. Judging by the fact that you accused him of cheating on you; tried to kick him out; and moved into a cheap motel when he refused, yet he still went through with his plan to throw you a surprise birthday party, I would say that your boyfriend is a class act.

The fact that you showed a lack of trust in your best friend as well as your boyfriend tells me that you have some serious trust issues and a complete lack of faith in the people you should be trusting the most. I would advise you to use this "time-out" in your relationship to try and figure out why you this is so. Professional counseling could help, but I think couples counseling would work best; once Jason understands why you acted the way you did the process of healing and forgiveness can begin for him, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If the only reason you are with your boyfriend is because you don't want to be "30 and alone", perhaps it is time to make your split a permanent one. You also owe your best friend an apology for your accusations.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bisexual Woman Just Wants To Be Friends, Girlfriend Does Not Understand

Dear Tazi:

I am bi-sexual and am in a long-term, committed relationship with my girlfriend. I love her very much and would never cheat on her. Too often, people think bisexuals switch-off with a man one night and a woman the next; nothing could be further from the truth. We simply have sexual attractions to both men and women, with a general preference for one or the other. Like homosexuals and heterosexuals, once we are in a committed relationship we stay committed! My problem is that my girlfriend, “Janie” is insecure, a lesbian, and afraid that I will one day leave her for a man.

I returned to school last year to take a few classes towards my professional certification and that is where I met my friend “Rob”. I enjoy his company, and although I am not physically attracted to him we do have a connection; I can see our friendship becoming a solid one and would like to try to integrate him into other areas of my life, you know, outside of school. My problem is Janie.

I have mentioned Rob in casual conversation before and Janie has visibly bristled. I took Janie with me to a college movie night where we ran into Rob, and Janie actually yanked me backward when I leaned in to give him a hug hello. After polite introductions were made Janie told me she needed to speak with me privately and asked me if I was cheating on her with Rob! I told her I was not, and awkwardly avoided him the rest of the night, hoping this would comfort Janie. She only said that this proves I am trying to keep the two of them from talking to each other and “comparing notes”.

I have never had a problem like this before because I have never dated someone who was not bisexual, like me. I have tried to explain to Janie what I stated at the start of my letter, and she says she understands but adds that Rob “just might be the exception to that rule”. I have been with Janie for almost two years and I cannot imagine breaking up over something like this, but my certification program is going to take me three years to complete, since I am only studying part-time. I cannot imagine having to put up with Janie acting like this for the next three years, nor do I want to be the cause of such unhappiness; however, there are certain things that are non-negotiable with me: I will not quit my program in order to ease Janie’s fears. My career is important to me, and this certification is important for career advancement. Second, I do not like the idea of Janie telling me who I can and cannot have as friends. She has female friends who are lesbians, and I point out to her that I do not get jealous or possessive, but she claims that this is different; that I am able to fulfill all of her needs, but that she feels she cannot fulfill all of mine. This reasoning takes us full-circle back to what I have already said (here, and to Janie ad nauseam) and nothing gets solved.

I feel that I have tried to compromise by introducing Janie to Rob, but as she pointed out – correctly – that I want Rob to a part of my inner circle, so it really wasn’t much of a compromise at all. Can you think of any way to resolve this issue? Or am I going to have to call it quits with someone?

Signed,

Torn Between Fidelity And Friendship

Dear Torn Between Fidelity and Friendship:

You have a sticky situation that is not uncommon in any circle, heterosexual or homosexual. You do, however, have special circumstances because Julia – like many people – does not understand the emotional mechanics of bisexuality. I thank you for explaining it here so succinctly!

Since you have explained to Janie than your sexual interest in men is rather low and your connection to Rob is platonic re-explaining it over and over will only result in further frustration. I realize that your greeting to Rob (a hug) was innocent, but you must put yourself in Janie’s place to understand how it looked to her. You mention that Janie is insecure; now, imagine how she must feel to see you wrapping your arms around a man! Ask any woman whose boyfriend/husband was secretly gay and left her for another man and she will tell you how devastating this is. As one woman put it, “When he told me ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ he really meant it! I knew that, and it felt horrible knowing that there was nothing I could do to make the relationship work. I was devastated.” In her insecurity, this is Janie’s worst fear: that you will leave her for a man.

If Rob is as great a guy as you obviously think he is, I do not think he would willingly work to break up your relationship with Julia. In fact, if he enjoys your friendship as much as you enjoy his, he may be hoping to be invited into your inner circle. I suggest you ask Julia to give him a chance. Let her know that you will be in school for the next few years, and that with school comes Rob. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she would try to get to know him because you consider him a good friend. Let her know that he is not a creep looking for a threesome (this could also be a concern of hers, my sources tell me) but a classmate who, like you, is looking to make new friends. Most importantly, continue to include Janie in your school’s events and activities whenever possible. When you started school you started a chapter of your life that does not include Janie, which could be another source of stress on her insecurity.

In the end it will be up to Janie to decide who she can accept into her life, but it will be up to you to decide whether or not to accept her rejection of your friends. I hate to say it, but if she cannot control her jealousy and insecurity your relationship may not be able to last. Couples counseling may be able to help the two of you.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Superficial Reasons For Break-Ups Could Point To A Deeper Issue

Dear Tazi:

I am good friends with a man that reminds me of the character that Jerry Seinfeld played on his show, Seinfeld. "Arthur" is the pickiest man I know when it comes to women! He has broken up with some very nice women over the nitpickiest details. Examples? One woman refused to grow her hair long again after cutting it short; another wore the wrong brand of sneakers; a third put on five pounds after breaking her leg and being unable to exercise; and he left yet another because he found out she wore push-up bras and that her cleavage was "not natural". His latest break-up was with a good friend of mine (I warned her not to date him).  The reason Arthur left her was because she liked to watch football on Sunday afternoons and he is not a football fan.

After every break-up, Arthur comes to me and complains about how he cannot find a good woman; how they all seem nice at first, but once he gets to know then he discovers some fatal flaw and he has to end the "relationship".  Tazi, I put that word in quotes because Arthur's relationships rarely make it past the one month mark!

After his latest break-up (from my friend) Arthur asked me if I had any other friends that I might set him up with; he tells me that he is looking for a serious relationship, and since I know him so well I should be able to find a woman who is perfect for him. I told him I would think about it, but Tazi what I would really like to do is tell Arthur the truth: that he is far too picky, that he is rejecting women over superficial things that have nothing to do with who they are as a woman, and that he has idiosyncrasies that would make him break-up with himself if he were a woman he was dating! The only reason that I haven't said anything so far is because Arthur is a sensitive guy, and I know his feelings would be hurt. Do you think critiquing his behavior would be helpful? Or should I just continue to beg off every time he asks me if I have found a girl for him yet?

Signed,
"Elaine II"

Dear "Elaine II":

There is a difference between criticizing and critiquing. The first is hurtful and serves no purpose other than to speak your mind; the second offers beneficial advice on how to improve the situation. If you can find a way to constructively criticize Arthur's dating criteria, I say go ahead and have that sit-down talk with him. I suggest you start by asking him how he would feel if a woman left him for any of the reasons he has left women. It could be that there is something in Arthur's past - a bad break-up over something superficial - that has Arthur running from the very thing he seeks: a serious relationship.

Since Arthur's last break-up was with a friend of yours, I suggest you not try to set him up with any other friends lest you end up in an argument with the friend who has already dated him. This is not an excuse, but a reason to beg-off Arthur's requests. Any reasonable man should be understanding of this reasoning; if Arthur refuses to accept your situation as it is and continues to put pressure on you, I suggest that you limit your contact with him - unless you want to join the list of women he has left for superficial reasons. One does not have to be a romantic partner to get dumped.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Discovers Court Of Public Opinion Much Harsher Than Divorce Court

Dear Tazi:

I am recently divorced, and by recently I mean the ink is barely dry on the decree. Although the divorce court gave me a fair settlement, I still feel cheated because that is the only place I got treated fairly.

I left my wife of seven years because she had absolutely no interest in sex.  I thought she might have been frigid, but when I encouraged her to go to a doctor she refused, telling me that I was the one with the problem; that she had no problem with the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage.

When I finally left the marriage, nobody could believe I would leave as wonderful a woman as "Maria".  Maria is a wonderful woman, Tazi.  She is kind, compassionate, educated, hard-working, humorous, faithful, and a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom.  Her lack of interest in sex is really what killed our marriage.  I felt like I was living with a friend and not a wife.  I was not about to reveal such personal details to our friends and community, so when people asked me what went wrong I simply replied that our lives had reached divergent paths and we were each going to go our own way.  People figured that I was at fault for the divorce, but I kept my mouth shut and let them think what they wanted.  I thought that this was what Marie deserved, but I have since changed my mind!

While visiting a bar last week, I overheard a man talking to his friend about the woman he had started seeing a few months before.  I smiled when he said he was thinking of introducing her to his friends, remembering how it was like when I had first started dating Marie.  The man went on to describe the pleasures of his relationship and even mentioned how the sex was "mind blowing".  I continued to listen in because, at this point I was interested in learning what would be said next, when I discovered that the girlfriend in question was my ex-wife!  At first I thought there was no way, but the details he shared with his friend about what she looked like, where she lived and - the coup de gras - her amazing chocolate chip cookies, I knew he could not be talking about anyone else.

I left the bar immediately and went back to my old home, where Marie is still living while we try to sell the house.  When confronted, she made no secret that she had started seeing someone, had indeed baked cookies for him - and done a lot more than that in the bedroom!  When I called her out for holding out on me, she responded that she had not been holding out on me; she simply had no desire for me.

After hearing this, I decided that the gloves were off and sent a mass email to all of my friends and family, telling them exactly why my marriage ended - that Marie was frigid and refused medical help and that I could take it no longer.  The next day I was inundated with responses, via email, telephone, and even in person with people telling me how wrong I was to send such an email. My sister even called me a "classless toad" and told me that I could forget coming over for Christmas if I did not apologize to Marie for my behavior.  My best friend told me his wife said to relay the same message if I asked about spending the holidays with them.

Tazi, I think I am the one who is owed an apology here!  I am the one who stayed in a sexless marriage for seven years in an attempt to make it work, and now that it is over some other guy is getting what should have been mine!  Where's the compassion for my side of the story?  Why is everyone rallying around Marie?

Signed,
Not a Classless Toad

Dear Not a Classless Toad:

Maybe you are a classless toad, and maybe you are not; however, the behavior you have recently exhibited is that of a classless toad. You not only eavesdropped on a private conversation; you publicly denounced your ex-wife as "frigid" (which is a medical condition, and obviously one she does not suffer), both through your email and again in your letter to me.  People often ask me why I use pseudonyms in my column; your letter is a perfect example of why!

I am sorry that your marriage ended so badly.  Has it occurred to you that there might be a reason other than frigidity that your wife refused you in the bedroom?  You describe her as "a wonderful woman" and "a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom".  Did you treat her like a wonderful woman who was a joy to be around when you were outside of the bedroom?  Or was the only time you took any notice of her after lights out?  Did you ever help her out around the house, compliment a tasty meal, take her out for a night on the town, or simply tell her how much she meant to you?  Or did you ignore her until bedtime and then expect her to be hot to trot for you?

You mention nothing of your own behavior in your letter, nothing of your own attempts to woo your wife, so I cannot be certain why she refused you so often.  Only you can answer that question; all I can give you is food for thought.  As for who owes who an apology, it is you who owe Marie one for publicly tearing her down.  The time to talk about her sex life - or lack thereof - was while you were still married, not now that she is a free woman.

Perfunctory Snuggles (but only because it's Christmastime),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Upscale" Dining Choice Has Husband Upset

Dear Tazi:

Every Friday night my wife wants to go out to dinner.  She is a stay-at-home Mom to our two sons, and says that after a hard week at work she deserves a break.  Tazi, I work just as hard all week - if not harder than her - and I do not think that the money that I have earned should be spent going out to dinner when my wife is perfectly capable of cooking a delicious homemade meal.

I usually give in to her requests to keep the peace, but her requests are starting to get out of line.  We usually go to a family-friendly restaurant like McDonald's or Chick-fil-a, where the kids can play while we relax.  Now, she wants to start going to more upscale restaurants that offer what she thinks is a healthier menu - places like Waffle House or Friendly's!  I put my foot down and told her that when she makes the money she can decide how to spend it, and that from now on we would be eating at home on Friday nights until further notice.  That was two weeks ago, and every night since I have been coming home to a family that has already eaten without me.  I am lucky if there are leftovers to reheat, otherwise I have to make myself a peanut-butter sandwich.

Tazi, can you help me get my wife to see reason?  I work hard to provide for our family, and do not want to see our money spent so frivolously!

Signed,
Hard Working Man

Dear Hard Working Man:

I think your wife will see reason when you see reason.  Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom to two boys is not an easy job.  Have you ever tried to cook breakfast, prepare lunch, clean, do laundry, iron, keep the freshly cleaned house clean, chauffeur the children to their activities, and prepare a savory and nutritious dinner - all while keeping an eye on two young boys, to make sure they are staying out of trouble?  I am exhausted just reading what a stay-at-home-mom has to do to keep the world turning, and this list isn't even complete!  Do you still think your wife has an easier schedule than you?

A Friday night out to dinner is not an unreasonable request to make, especially at a reasonably priced restaurant like the Waffle House or Friendly's!  While I would not say that the food is inherently more nutritious at these places than at the fast-food chains, the atmosphere makes for a nice change of scenery.  If you are not comfortable with paying the extra few dollars for dinner every week (and this is understandable, if you are on a tight budget), I suggest that you and your wife compromise and trade off weeks between a relaxed and "more upscale" atmosphere.  Another suggestion is that you eat out every other week and try a restaurant like Applebee's or TGI Fridays, both of which have a children's menu.

I'm just not getting that "upscale" feel.  Are you?

You also need to remember that you and your wife are a couple - there is no "my" when you are married; what is yours is also your wife's.  She could be out working a full-time job, but she has put the needs of your children ahead of her own, and has trusted you to care for needs.  I believe that her cooking strike is her way of illustrating this point to you - you have refused to consider her needs, now she is refusing to consider yours.  I can see acting like this for a few days to get your point across, but a few weeks?  It sounds like your wife is overstating her point.  You may want to consider marriage counseling.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sexless Marriage Could Be Due To Physical Dysfunction

Dear Tazi:

My husband, “Philip” frequently has friends over to watch sporting events at our house (we have a wonderful game room for such occasions).  As the Lady of the House I enjoy providing snacks and beverages, both non-alcoholic as well as alcoholic, for these events; ergo I often hear snippets of conversation as I come and go from the game room.  My husband’s friends can frequently be heard complaining about how their wives never want to have sex with them, and to my shock and dismay, Philip joins in with his own complaints!  Tazi, the lack of sex in my marriage is not my fault!  It is my husband who never wants to be intimate!

Over the years I have tried to persuade Philip to be more affectionate.  I have tried perfumes and sexy lingerie, silky nightgowns, even coming to bed wearing nothing but a pair of pasties and a g-string!  Nothing I do puts my husband in the mood, and when I ask him what is wrong he simply replies, “Nothing; I am just tired after a long day at work”.  

Philip and I have been married for ten years.  In the early years, affection was sporadic and short-lived; after our fifth anniversary it became non-existent.  I have no desire for any man but my husband, but I do have a desire for sexual intimacy, Tazi!  Do you have any ideas to help me light the flame of my husband’s affections once more?  We are only in our thirties!  I do not want to imagine spending the rest of my life like this!

Signed,

Married But Lonely

Dear Married But Lonely:

I cannot be certain, but from what you write it sounds like your husband suffers from a sexual dysfunction.  It is not that he does not desire sex, but that he is unable to last long enough to fulfill your needs; consequently sex makes him feel like he has somehow failed you and failed as a man, therefore the cure to the problem is to simply avoid sex altogether.  

You need to have a frank talk with Philip – about what you have overheard and how much it hurt you, as well as your persona desires for more intimacy.  You need to encourage Philip to see a certified urologist to seek help for his problem, because this is not normal behavior for a healthy young man.  Let Philip know that this issue is affecting more than your feelings; it is affecting your marriage.

As for Philip’s “guy talk” with his buddies, try to ignore it.  I realize that it hurts, but he is just trying to fit in with his friends.  No matter how old we get, the desire to be one of the gang never fades.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Pet-Parents Break Up, Fido And Fluffy Want Visitation

Dear Tazi:

I broke up with my boyfriend the week between Christmas and New Year's. I know what you must be thinking (that I am a horrible person!) but the break-up was mutual, and a long time coming. The passion was gone, and "Jim" and I had drifted apart over the years. My problem has to do with my cat, "Pudgie".

Pudgie was very attached to Jim, and would greet him at the door every day when he returned home from work, just like a dog! (Sorry if that comparison offends your cat-like sensibilities, Tazi). Pudgie insisted on napping on top of Jim and would sleep by our bedroom door at night, to keep guard. If I paid too much attention to Jim, Pudgie would get territorial and shove me away while showering Jim with attention. Like I said, Pudgie was very attached to Jim.

Since I am the homeowner in the relationship, Jim moved out when we broke up; since Pudgie was my cat to begin with, there was no question of who he belonged to and who he would live with as Jim and I parted ways - or so I thought. Pudgie, it appears, has other ideas on his agenda. It appears that he misses Jim. Pudgie still sits and stares at the door every evening, around the time Jim would come home every night, and when Jim does not appear Pudgie meows like a crying child. I try to soothe him, but he won't have it. When I go to bed at night, Pudgie roams the house and cries (I tried locking him in another room, but he scratched to door something awful!). When I get up in the morning, Pudgie looks at me like his heart is broken, and meows for Jim. I can't go on like this! Seeing Pudgie so sad breaks my heart! He's not eating, and is even losing the pudginess that gave him his name (which I suppose is a good thing, but not really at the same time).

I truly have no desire to get back with Jim, so I am hesitant to call him and invite him over to visit with the cat; in fact, I am hesitant to tell him that the cat misses him because it sounds like a ridiculous attempt to get back with him! On the other hand, I can't leave Pudgie to suffer like this...what do you think would be the best approach to reuniting Pudgie and Jim, without making it sound like I am desperate to get back with him?

Signed,
Concerned Cat Owner

Dear Concerned Cat Owner:

Science has recently discovered something that people have known for a long time: animals can feel emotions and have emotional attachments. Creatures from elephants to orangutans have been seen expressing sorrow and grief over the loss of a tribe member, even when there has been no loss of protection or provisions due to the loss. This shows that the grief is not a matter of altruism, but of actual heartfelt sorrow. Pudgie is indeed mourning the loss of his preferred human companion (no offense to your human sensibilities!).

If you are sincere about not wanting to reunite with Jim, I suggest that you email him a copy of your letter to let him know just how much Pudgie misses him, and suggest some sort of visitation schedule (since I am certain that Jim misses Pudgie, too!). If Pudgie is an outdoor cat, would he take to a harness so Jim could have a play-date in the park with him? If Pudgie is an indoor cat, do you trust Jim to be alone with him in the house to cat-sit Pudgie while you run errands? If not, is Jim allowed to have a pet visit where he is currently living? Do you have a mutual friend who would not mind hosting Jim and Pudgie for an afternoon once or twice a week? Visitation with Jim could greatly improve Pudgie's emotional state and attitude.

When couples split, all the animals involved know is that someone they loved is no longer around; they do not understand what has happened, and can experience a sense of abandonment. For Pudgie's sake, I hope that Jim understands this and is willing to make time for visitation with Pudgie. Whether either of you want to accept it or not, Pudgie is his cat, too - at least in Pudgie's eyes he is! Jim, your cat needs you! Please make some time for him.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Chef Has Problems Simmering At Home

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional chef at a high end restaurant.  I mention this because I am beginning to think that my (live-in) girlfriend is only staying with me for my cooking.  I love my job. "Gina", however, thinks that because I am a chef I should do all of the cooking.  When I say I would rather not, she pouts and claims that I am "holding out" on her; that I am giving my best to my customers and saving nothing for her.  Tazi, this is not true.

I enjoy cooking, and do my share of the cooking at home.  I have no problem with cooking breakfast or brunch on days that I work evenings, and enjoy cooking dinner on my nights off.  I do all of the laundry and keep the house neat, if not clean.  Gina, in return, has been doing less and less over the past several months.  When I mentioned this to her, she got very upset and accused me of being sexist and accusing me of implying that housework is a woman's job, which is why I must not want to cook for her.  Gina then told me that if I wasn't such a good cook she would have left a long time ago.  I was so angry, I stormed out of our apartment and spent the night at my brother's place.  In my defense, I texted her about an hour later to let her know where I was and that I would return when I was calm enough to face her.  Since it was getting late, my brother suggested I crash at his place.

When I came home the next morning, I had decided it was best for me to pack my stuff and find another place to live, at least while I sorted out my thoughts on where my relationship with Gina was going.  Tazi, you think I had been gone for a week considering the way Gina greeted me!  She was all apologies, saying that she didn't mean a word of what she said; that she was just angry; and could we kiss and make-up.  Well, we did and things were OK for a few weeks, but Gina is starting to fall back into her old habits of doing little and whining when I refuse to do more.  I am starting to believe that she meant what she said about only staying with me for my cooking.  What do you think, Tazi?  I need an opinion, and am kind of embarrassed to ask the guys about it.

Signed,
Chef K.

Dear Chef K.:

While I cannot say for certain what your girlfriend did or did not mean, it does look as though she enjoys the perks of dating a chef more than she enjoys the responsibilities of being part of a committed couple.  While it must be nice to have a high-end chef cooking one's every meal, those who receive need to see things from the chef's point of view.  You are right in feeling used over Gina's demands that you cook every meal, and angry that she has tried to twist your request for an equal splitting of the house-chores into a sexist demand for her to be a Little Suzy Homemaker.

And then he woke up...

I will lay it on the line for you, since that seems to be what you want: I think it is time for you to go ahead with your original plan and move out of your shared apartment with Gina until you can figure out where it is your relationship is going and upon what it is actually based.  It does not sound as if there is mutual respect between the two of you, which needs to be the basis of a lasting relationship.

If you are financially responsible for the lease and cannot move out until it is up for renewal you may have to stay in this difficult situation until that time has come.  I suggest that you handle such a scenario by talking with Gina now about what it is you need from her to keep your relationship afloat, and what it is you need to do for yourself to give you the fortitude to renew your commitment to her.  The communication in your relationship appears to be sorely lacking.  This might be the wake-up call you both need.

Snuggles,
Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Try To Look At All Angles Before Deciding If Things Are Uneven

Dear Tazi:

I believe I have a quandary that you might be able to solve for me.  I have been with my boyfriend for two-and-a-half years.  After our one year anniversary I started hoping for an engagement ring, and decided that the best way to give my sweetie the hint was to plan a romantic getaway.  We drove to a cozy bed and breakfast in upstate New York, visited Niagara Falls, and did all sorts of romantic things for two.  My boyfriend had a great time, and suggested that we get away like that more often.  What I did not realize was that he expected me to continue to plan these getaways while he kicked back and enjoyed them.

To date, my boyfriend and I have gone away for week-long vacations and weekends away a half a dozen times - with me planning every detail every single time, from picking a location, researching it, vetting hotels, budgeting, and booking reservations.  This takes a lot of time and energy on my part, but I figure it is worth it if my boyfriend gets down on one knee and asks for my hand.  That's right, Tazi; after a year-and-a-half of waiting and cajoling and hinting he still has not asked me to marry him!

I am starting to wonder if he is the kind of man I would want to marry.  What kind of man expects the woman to do all of the planning for a vacation?  What else would I be expected to plan if we got married?  The entire wedding, from rehearsal dinner to honeymoon?  And after we were married, what other responsibilities would fall upon my shoulders?  Would I be the one to research life insurance plans and look for a house in a nice neighborhood that we can afford?  I tend to over-react sometimes, Tazi, and I think I might be over-reacting now, Tazi, but I am upset over constantly having to plan our vacations from start to finish.  Do you think this is a sign of things to come?

Signed,
Polly Planner

Dear Polly Planner:

Your letter arrived to me just as Mommie and Daddy were explaining to me that they would be going away on vacation for several days and that my Co-Mommie would be left in charge.  Great, I thought...my cereal bowls are going to be empty and my litter-boxes full!  Why?  Because as much as you plan, you cannot control every factor of your plan - in my case, clean facilities; in your case an engagement ring.  Sometimes, we just need to suck it up and deal.

Could it be that your boyfriend lets you plan everything because you like to be in control of the planning?  After reading your letter (twice!) I get the impression that you have an entire life planned out for you and your boyfriend; including when, where, and possibly how he should propose to you.  I suggest you s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and give things a chance to develop naturally, and not at the speed you desire.

Since I travel no further than the front yard, I asked my Mommie about who does the planning when she and Daddy travel.  She explained it to me thus: "I do the planning, but I run everything by him to see if it is something he would like to do, too.  I book the reservations and plan out the itinerary, but he does all of the driving to and from our destination, and everywhere in between.  Oh, and he pumps gas, too!  He also carries all of the luggage (and I always over-pack!) and balances the checkbook at the end of the trip."

As far as I see it, Mommie does the pre-vacation work and Daddy does the rest, which amounts to an equitable split.  Does your boyfriend do any of this for you, or are you left to plan everything and hope he will like it; split the driving time; haul your own luggage; and balance the checkbook on your own?  If this is the case, you are right to question what kind of man you are dating.  If I were you, I would run as fast as possible up the nearest tree until he goes away; or whatever it is humans do to get away from someone who is bad news.

Did I ever mention my complete inability to climb tree?

If, however, your boyfriend is pulling his share of the load and you are just not noticing it than it is you who needs to open your eyes to the good thing you have.  Working on your own faults is the best way to improve a relationship; working to change your partner is the best way to ruin one.  I suggest that the next time you start to plan a romantic getaway ask your boyfriend to assist you, and ask his opinion of what you have planned.  In other words, make him feel involved in the planning of his own future - the short term, as well as the long term.  I cannot promise it will get you a ring any sooner, but it will make your boyfriend feel that he is a valued part of your life, and not simply a means to an end (of an alter).

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Twentysomething Virgin Wants A Good Man, Is Willing To Wait

Dear Tazi:

Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? I am in my mid-twenties and still a virgin, not because of any particular religious beliefs but because I have never had a serious relationship and I respect myself way too much to have a one night stand. I do think that sex should be something special between two people, and I don’t have a timeline for when it should happen, but I would like my first time – and ideally every other time – to be with someone who is special to me; someone who cares about me and isn’t just looking for a hook up.

I have always put my education first, and now that I have finished both my undergraduate and graduate degrees (with honors) I find myself traveling frequently for work, which makes it difficult to meet someone for a relationship. I have tried online dating, but it seems like every guy I meet is only interested in one thing – a regular hook up first while waiting to see where things might end up. At least these guys were honest and up front with me from the start, so they never made it past the first few dates. Some guys even pushed for sex sooner than that, like on the first date or even while we were still just emailing each other!

I have been seeing “Dennis” for about a month now, and he has been quite patient with me in spite of his constant hints and occasional pushy behavior. I am not ready for a physical relationship with him, but I want to somehow let him know that it is not him, it’s me – without sounding like a cheap line people use to let someone down easy. I would like to tell Dennis that I have never had sex before, but I am not sure how he will take it. I don’t want to scare him away, but I also don’t want him to see me as some kind of trophy. I especially don’t want him to think this means I want a serious, committed relationship with him for “X” amount of time until I am ready because I am not even sure that is what I want with him, and I don’t want to lead him on. Should I even tell him about my “status” or keep it to myself? I am really confused about this, and need some good advice!

Signed,

Wondering In New Orleans

Dear Wondering In New Orleans:

You are a smart lady to think of your future first; some of the most successful women in America today have done just what you are doing – putting education and career first, boys second. Your views on sex are your own and I do not think them weird, nor do I think there is anything wrong with you; you are well-balanced between strict, traditional/religious beliefs and more modern/extremely liberal views on the subject. I think that when you meet the right person, you will be ready and that you should not rush into something because someone has pressured you for sex or promised a commitment that you don’t even want in return for it.

As for how you should deal with Dennis…having lost my nads at a very young age I have to hit up my guy pals for their opinions, and they have informed me that there are three different types of reactions you can expect from a guy when you tell him you are a virgin:

The first – and preferable reaction – is the good man’s reaction. He will tell you that he understands, and is willing to wait for you. He will ask you to be patient with him – that if he pushes you it is because he is so attracted to you, and not to take it personally; just tell him that you are not ready and he will continue to wait until you are…and if you feel that point will never come, to please be honest with him about your feelings.

The second reaction is the “runner”. Some men don’t know how to handle this kind of news and freak out, never to be heard from again. While it can be hurtful and embarrassing be glad that he left; someone with so little emotional maturity would not make a very good romantic partner, so count your lucky stars and move on.

The third – and worst reaction – is the guy who responds as if bedding you is some kind of challenge, your virginity a trophy in praise of his manhood. This is the guy who will say he will be patient and understanding but immediately starts formulating his plans to seduce you. If you find he is suddenly plying you with over the top romantic gestures and copious amounts of alcohol, be on the alert; this man is trying to scam you!

It can be difficult to figure how a man will react to this news, especially if you have only recently started dating, so my buddies offered a few suggestions, ranging from not saying anything at all until you are certain where the relationship is going to texting him the information, to having a conversation about the matter over coffee. I suggest you choose the path that you are most comfortable with, prepare yourself for the worst and then hope for the best.

Always remember that it can take time to find the right person – you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince – and that giving yourself away may result in more dates but that doesn’t mean that any of them will be with the kind of man you can see yourself with long-term. Quality over quantity is what I always say!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Disappointment In The Bedroom Can Be A Deal-Breaker

Dear Tazi:

I have always had a healthy and creative sex life. I am not completely uninhibited, but I am not a prude, either. My current boyfriend “Don” does not believe in creativity in the bedroom; missionary position is the only position he will use, and sex must take place in the bedroom, after dark, with the lights out. Toys and other accessories are not allowed.

Tazi, I love my boyfriend sexually I find him quite boring and I am feeling unfulfilled. I am not sure if I should end the relationship over this. My friends all tell me I would be a fool to leave a guy as wonderful as Don – and he is wonderful in so many ways, and would make a wonderful husband – but I just can’t get pas this problem.

I have tried to talk to Don about our sex life and my need for more, but he tells me that my (minimul) requests are out of the question and tells me that I am “kinky”. I do not think my erotic requests cross that line, and am frustrated that Don is not even willing to try something new. Am I being unreasonable, or do I have a legit concern?

Signed,

Adventurous Abby

Dear Adventurous Abby:

There is an old joke that asks “what is the difference between erotic and kinky?” The answer is simple: erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the entire chicken. While there is a wide range between the two, each person has their own sexual mores with which they are comfortable, and trying to push them outside their comfort zone will end in awkwardness and discomfort.

If you and Don have not yet sought couples counseling, you may want to do that if you are serious about staying together or even getting married. I do not believe that you are being unreasonable or making an issue out of nothing because this issue is important to you. In fact, sexual compatibility is important to many (if not all) couples, so you are not alone in your frustration.

You may have to accept the fact that Don will not change, even with gentle encouragement to try new things. If you are unable to convince him to consider your side of things and you are unable to live with things the way they are than I suggest you do the right thing – by Don and by yourself – and end the relationship. Unhappiness in the bedroom has a way of spilling over into other areas of life, ending the relationship on a sour note instead of allowing people to part as friends.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Are Her Reservations About Sex, Or Something More?

Dear Tazi:

I was reading in [a tabloid magazine] that this season's bachelor on The Bachelor is a born-again virgin, and plans on saving himself for marriage. Comments about a sexless engagement hit home because I am engaged to a man who is a born-again Christian and he does not believe we should have sex before we are married.

"Bob" is a born-again virgin, as well, not a full-fledged virgin, so he has had sex - just not in a really long time. I am afraid that I am making a mistake in marrying a man I haven't slept with; I am not afraid that he will be bad in bed (well, maybe a little), but I am afraid that we will be sexually incompatible. Unlike the women on TV, I am wholeheartedly committed to marrying my fiancé. I think. I love Bob in every way a woman could possibly love a man - except that one important one, since I have not been given the chance. 

I have not told any of my friends about Bob's desire to wait until marriage and my decision to go along with it; I would positively die if any of my friends found out and I am not comfortable talking this issue over with my mother, who is extremely old-fashioned and would not understand why there is a problem at all. Tazi, do you think Ia m worried over nothing? Or are my concerns valid?

Signed,
The White Wedding Approacheth...

Dear The White Wedding Approacheth:

Are you certain that you don't have cold feet about marrying Bob, and are using your sexless engagement as an excuse to back out of your upcoming nuptials? I am going to suggest that - just for a moment - you remove sex from the equation. Are you happy with Bob? Can you see yourself building a life with Bob? Can you see yourself spending your life with a man like Bob? Do his religious views color other areas of his life (as is wont of those who are born again)? Can you live in a marriage with the rules set down by Bob's religion? If you cannot give an honest "yes" to all of the above questions, your hesitancy to take marriage vows with Bob may not be due your fear of what to expect in the bedroom.

If you have not already done so, I suggest that you and Bob attend some premarital counseling classes. Such classes are usually offered through the Church, but a community center in your area may offer them as well.These classes will focus on answering many of the questions that couples fail to ask or take seriously until after they have put a stress on the marriage. Once completed, you should have a clearer head about what is bothering you about Bob - and if it really is a fear of boudoir boredom. 

As the pet of a responsible human, I was neutered before I reached sexual maturity, but if what the women's magazines I see laying around the house say is true, having sex after a period of abstinence is like hopping back on a bicycle after the winter thaw - you don't forget how to do it right just because it has been a while since you did it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Melodramatic Ex Reveals More About Himself With Every Lie Told

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend “Lucas” is several letters to you in one. We dated briefly before I decided that his life was far too full of drama for me top handle and I broke up with him. Lucas then accused me of creating more drama in his life by leaving him and refusing to give him the second chance he “so dearly sought”. I refused to be manipulated and stopped taking his phone calls or answering his emails.

After I cut off personal contact with Lucas he started leaving paragraph long status updates on Facebook and Twitter (he would write 140 characters, tweet, and start a new tweet where he left off). All of these status updates would tag me as somehow being involved with his update – usually as the reason for his “deepening depression” (which only affects his ability to work, not to go out drinking with his friends) or for his “emotional stress”. I have simply blocked him so he can no longer tag me, although I am sure he is still mentioning my name.

Since he has not been getting the reaction he wants, Lucas has taken to calling my cell phone – over and over until I pick up, which I refuse to do; instead, I turned the phone off only to discover Lucas would leave me so many voicemails that it would fill my mailbox. Since I cannot block his number, I filed a formal complaint against him with my local Sheriff’s office, only to discover that Lucas has behaved like this with other women before. The good news is that the Sheriff told me that his behavior will end in time, probably when he finds a new woman to obsess over, but in the meantime there is nothing I can do unless I would like to press charges of harassment against him.

I do not have the time, energy, or desire to prolong the issue by taking Lucas to court and I trust the Sheriff to see that Lucas is warned that his behavior will get him into legal trouble. What scares me is that Lucas can basically say whatever he wants about me on the Internet and, unless I rebut his comments, there is nothing to show that they are nothing but lies. It is said that once something is on the Internet it is there forever, so you can see my fear that these character assassinations may come back to haunt me. On the other hand, if I step in to tell my side of things I am afraid I will be falling right into Lucas’ hands by giving him the attention he is seeking.

Signed,

Slandered

Dear Slandered:

I can understand your fears that the lies printed about you will be on the Internet forever, but so long as you have blocked Lucas from tagging you, there is no direct link between you and these lies. Unless you have a rather unique name, there are probably other people with the same name as you (first and last) that will come up when an Internet search is done for your name. I just did a Google search for “Tazi” and discovered that a “Tazi” is a type of greyhound – a dog! What could be more slanderous than that, if in fact people were silly enough to confuse me with a racing dog! So you see, your fears are probably a bit overblown.

Thus far, you have handled the situation in a very mature and upright manner; please do not sink to Lucas’ level by responding to his Facebook and Twitter posts. The fact that the local Sheriff’s office is familiar with his behavior speaks volumes of Lucas’ reputation – and his credibility. I know it is difficult, but try to remember this the next time word reaches your ears that Lucas is blaming the weight of his troubles on you. Do not go looking for these posts by viewing his status feeds; do not let him rent space in your head. Regardless of what you think of Lucas, you are thinking of him, which is exactly what he wants. You were right to get legal documentation of his harassment; now let the authorities take things from here until Lucas is nothing more than a bad memory.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Culture Clash Causes Relationship Misunderstanding

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend “Elton” is from England, so he has that wonderful British accent that makes women (including me) melt. He also has a habit of calling people by terms of endearment instead of their first names. All men are “chap” or “mate” or something equally innocuous, but the women are all “honey” or “sweetie”, which gets on my nerves.

Elton is a very good looking man with a charming personality. Combine that with his accent, and you can see how women might take his personal attention the wrong way. Elton does not believe that there is a problem, saying that women never actually come on to him, but I argue that that is because women generally flirt and wait for the man to ask them on a date – which I know Elton would never do; he is very faithful to me.

I asked Elton to make a New Year’s resolution to be more aware of what he calls people, and to stop using terms of endearment and to start calling people by their first names. Elton balked at this, saying that his “vernacular” is a minor issue, and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. When I pressed him, he argued that there are a lot of things I do that annoy him, but he ignores them. When I asked him to name ONE annoying habit of mine, he couldn’t; he just said that there are several and that there is no need to make a big deal out of them, that they are a part of who I am and that he loves me as I am. I think Elton is merely trying to charm his way out of changing; he is saying that I am looking for trouble where there isn’t any. He has agreed to try, but refused to make a resolution of it, which I feel is disrespectful to my feelings. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I should, Tazi? Or is Elton wrong, even as he insists he is not “marginalizing my concerns”?

Signed,

“Marginalized”

Dear “Marginalized”:

If I had to take a guess, I would say that your annoying habits include making a big deal out of nothing; always needing to be right; and just maybe thinking that you are perfect.

Different cultures have different protocols; not every culture is like our American one, where a term of endearment constitutes flirting. The fact that Elton calls men “mate” or “chap”, and does not reserve endearments exclusively for women, speaks to the fact that such speech patterns are a part of his culture; to demand that he change this would be like him demanding that you stop using the word “dude” or other American slang so ingrained in your vocabulary that you probably do not even realize that you are using it.

I rule that you should cut Elton some slack here. I do not believe that he is “marginalizing your concerns”; I believe that he has given careful consideration to your concerns and finds them to be overblown and even insulting. Seen from Elton’s point of view, you are accusing him of hitting on every woman with whom he comes in contact, from the teenage cashier at the grocery store to the elderly librarian. Not every woman is comfortable being called such names by just anyone; while you may think they are swooning over Elton, many are not. Women who come in regular contact with Elton will soon realize that he is not coming on to them, that the terms of endearment he uses are a cultural thing.

I do not suggest that you swallow your concerns; talking about them to Elton was the healthy thing to do in order to keep your relationship running smoothly. However, you do not appear to have listened to Elton’s answers, especially the part where he said that he loves you, faults and all. Rather than force a resolution on him, why not make one for yourself to love your boyfriend as he is, annoying habits and all. Nobody is perfect...not even us cats!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should Lack Of Intelligence Be A "Deal Breaker"?

Dear Tazi:

My "lady friend" is a wonderful woman.  She is kind, gentle, charming, sexy, a good cook...everything a man could ever want in a woman, with one exception: she is dumb as a stump. Sadly, the woman does not have the brains of an amoeba.  She makes Jillian from Family Guy look smart.

She's not the brightest Crayon in the box,
but her heart is in the right place!

I have been dating "Liesel" for the past six months, and everything is great - except for the fact that I cannot have an intelligent conversation with her; take her anyplace that would result in her interacting with my colleagues from work; or attend any kind of cultural event.  All of the above are things I enjoy doing.  Our dates have consisted of us going bowling, dancing at nightclubs, sporting events, and other activities that do not require the two of us to attempt a meaningful conversation.

Every January, I attend an annual fundraising event for a charity that is dear to both me and my family.  I have met many high power businessmen over the years through this event, and these connections have helped my career immensely. I have to RSVP to the event soon, and I am having a hard time trying to decide if I should buy two tickets or just one.

On the one hand, Liesel is a lovely woman, who would make an impressive date as long as she doesn't open her mouth; on the other hand, I am afraid that her complete lack of intelligence will reflect poorly upon my personal judgement. If I purchase only one ticket, Liesel will be upset that I did not ask her to go with me; she would probably break up with me over a snub like that, and to be honest with you I am not sure how I would feel about that. Tazi, do you think intelligence - or in Liesel's case, a lack of intelligence - should be a deal breaker in a relationship? I don't want to make a move I will later regret, but I am not certain that I will not regret staying with her.

Signed,

Mentally Fatigued

Dear Mentally Fatigued:

Your situation is not all that difficult. You either care about Liesel as an entire person, and respect her for who she is or you do not. It sounds to me that her lack of scholarly intelligence is an embarrassment to you and that because of this you are embarrassed to be seen with her. A woman as "wonderful" as you make Liesel out to be does not deserve this kind of treatment. You need to make a decision: to be proud to be seen and heard in public with Liesel or to break off the relationship.

After re-reading your letter, I am left with the impression that you like the idea of a woman like Liesel but that your interest in the real life version of her has not reached the levels you have hoped. You speak of a desire to live with out regret. This reflects a desire to be perfect, all the time. Nobody is perfect all the time, not even a cat. There are many traits that can be a "deal breaker" in a romantic relationship - some are shallow and superficial; others are not. Only you can decide if Liesel's complete lack of common sense and the ability to process even the most basic facts is something you can no longer tolerate, in spite of her many wonderful traits.

'Nuff said!

I would like to add that you remind me of a superstar quarterback who seeks all of the glory for himself, not the team. This quarterback can try to run the ball and risk getting sacked, or he can throw the ball - and with it the glory of scoring the winning touchdown; only one thing is for certain: If he doesn't make his move it will be decided for him. Your lady friend can make decisions, too you know; I suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with her before she makes one that you will not like.

Perfunctory Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.