Is This Guy A Gold-Digger Or Is He Simply Enlightened?

Dear Tazi:

I am a doctor, completing my medical residency and looking forward to joining a practice in the near future. A few months ago I met a man at a party for a mutual friend. He seemed like a nice guy, so I gave him my email address when he asked for my phone number, explaining that I am often too busy to take a call but will answer an email during my down time. I also did this because I felt it would give me the chance to get to know him as a person, without all of the awkward early dating stuff. Plus, I don’t have a whole lot of time for dating, so this method allows me to keep him at a slight distance while developing a friendship first. After a few weeks of emailing I thought it would be nice to meet for coffee, and we started seeing each other. For me it was nothing serious, but I think he had other ideas.

“Ted” always kept obsessing over the fact that I am a doctor. He would make comments like, “If we got married, I would love to be a stay-at-home husband!” and then laugh, to lighten the mood. Another of his comments is, “a doctor’s schedule is pretty hectic, if you were to have children, would you want to hire a nanny or have your husband stay at home with them?” I have asked him point blank why he is asking me such personal questions to which I do not have an answer, but he claims that he is just trying to get to know me; that he believes in the importance of having a parent home with the children, and is curious to know how I feel. I responded that I felt his questions were out of line for such an early point in any relationship, and he let them drop.

It has been two months since Ted and I started dating, and he is hinting that he would like to move things along several steps to a much higher level. Whenever a commercial for a jewelry store comes on TV, he asks me what my favorite cut of diamond is “just in case” he needs to know. While out Christmas shopping, he asked me what I thought about the idea of getting engaged on Valentine’s Day; I responded that it would depend on the couple and how long they had been dating.

Tazi, I realize that as a doctor I stand to make a considerable amount of money over my lifetime employment, but right now I am still paying on my student loans. I feel like Ted is pushing for a commitment now so he can argue that he was not after me for my money when I am actually making some. Am I being paranoid? Or is it as Ted says; that he is just trying to get to know me and to see if our life plans are compatible?

Signed,

No Time For This

P.S. Ted is employed, but does not seem to like his middle-income job all that much. He complains about it all the time

Dear No Time For This:

What exactly is Ted’s “life plan”? Has he shared that information with you yet, or is he too busy asking you probing questions and complaining about how much he hates his job in between comments of how he would love to be a stay-at-home Dad to nail down an exacting answer for you?

I believe that your gut instinct about Ted is correct – that he is a gold-digger staking a claim in the hopes that his prospecting will pan out for him in the end. However, I could be wrong; he might just be the enlightened type. I suggest that you talk to the mutual friend who introduced you and seek answers about Ted – is he always so quick to rush into a relationship; has he ever spoke of his dream of being a stay-at-home Dad; is he steadily employed – and listen with a frank ear to the answers given.

Once you have an idea of what Ted is really like, make your decision to stay or go based upon how you feel. Do you feel like Ted wants to be a hands-on father and househusband, or that he sees you as a cash-cow towards a life of ease? Could you respect a man who worked as a househusband while his wife works as the breadwinner? Are you comfortable with the pace of the relationship that Ted is trying to set, and do you think he will slow things down if asked? Once you have the answers to these questions, you will have the answer to your question of whether or not to stay with him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Whirlwind Romance May Not Stand The Test Of Time

Dear Tazi:

Last month I was miserable about the fact that I did not have a boyfriend and this month I am engaged after a whirlwind romance.  Isn’t it funny how life works?  “Bobby”, my fiancé has not yet given me a real ring so I am wearing a 1 ct. cubic zirconia for the time being.

Bobby’s grandmother always told him that when he got engaged she would give him her diamond, but now that the time has come she is refusing to part with it.  She has said that if I truly am “the one” that she will be glad to see me wearing her ring but she feels that the romance is moving a little too quickly to be certain.  Tazi, she got married after a whirlwind romance, when her husband was being sent off to fight in Korea, and her married lasted until she was widowed!  How can she now hold us to a double standard? 

I have asked Bobby to stand up to his grandmother and point out her hypocrisy, but he refuses.  I am starting to wonder just what kind of man I am marrying; if he cannot stand up to me to his family, will I always come in second place?  My brothers keep poking fun of my temporary engagement ring, saying that a real man would not have bought a fake stone, that Bobby should have invested a couple hundred dollars in a small diamond or in a birthstone ring.  I do not like hearing them talk about their future brother-in-law this way, but since they planted the idea in my head I am beginning to agree with them and am having further questions about what kind of man Bobby really is.  Am I marrying a tightwad?

My parents have been close-mouthed over our entire engagement; they have not congratulated us or offered to throw us an engagement party, but they have not expressed their disapproval, either.  Tazi, do you think that Bobby and I are rushing into things?  Or can whirlwind romances last forever?

Signed,

Blushing Bride to Be

Dear Blushing Bride to Be:

You have been dating your fiancé for less than a month.  Did you know him before that – was yours a close friendship that took a romantic turn?  Or did you and Bobby meet a few weeks ago in the shampoo aisle at Wal-Mart?  Personally, I think that is a great place to meet people because you can be certain of two things – that they use soap and water on a regular basis, and they know a great price on health and beauty products when they see one!  Would I want to marry someone after only knowing them for a few weeks?  In a word, no.

You call Bobby’s grandmother’s views hypocritical; but you need to see things from “Nana’s” point of view.  Back during the days of WWI, WWII, and the Korean War (I refuse to dishonor veterans by calling it a conflict) many people got married before leaving for war because that is what was expected of them.  In doing so, they often married people who were little more than complete strangers; they then spent their married lives getting to know each other.  Back then, marriage was also looked upon differently.  A person married someone they cared for – not necessarily passionately; it was understood that passion ebbs and flows – but someone with who they had personal compatibility, which does not fade as quickly as honeymoon memories.  In short, falling in and out of love – and back in again – was a process that occurred throughout the life of the marriage, not the courtship.  This sort of arrangement has its pros and cons, but is not a common occurrence in our modern American culture.  Nana’s marriage may have lasted until she was widowed, but this does not mean that the union was a happy one; it may have been a contented one, or there may have been storms behind their closed doors.  Obviously, Nana has reasons for waiting to hand over her diamond.  Whirlwind relationships can last, but the whirlwind feelings generally die down like a hurricane that has made landfall.

Twice you ask me “what kind of man” your fiancé is – is he too scared to stand up for you, is he a “tightwad”?  If these are qualities that you absolutely cannot live with, I strongly suggest that you postpone any wedding plans you may have in  exchange for a longer courtship.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is This The Pot Calling Out The Kettle?

Dear Tazi:

I have a girlfriend that I love very much and who I would like to make my wife. There is just one thorn between us that we cannot seem to resolve. "Sheila" likes to smoke pot. She smokes it on a daily basis, several times a day. She claims that it relaxes her, and provides a host of medical benefits; however, these "medical benefits" have not been scientifically proven and I feel that she is actually harming her health. If she were to quit smoking pot I would drop to one knee in an instant.

The other side of this picture is that I like to drink beer. I do not drink hard liquor and, unlike pot, alcohol has scientifically proven medical benefits. I do not drink to excess - usually I will have no more than a six-pack a night - and I feel that the health benefits I derive from alcohol outweigh Sheila's objections that I may be harming my liver.

I have asked Sheila to stop smoking pot, and she has said she would - if I quit drinking. I believe that what she is asking is unreasonable, considering the fact that alcohol is not illegal and pot is. I think she only offered to quit smoking pot under these circumstances because she knew I would say no to giving up beer which, as I have mentioned, has proven medicinal effects.

What is your opinion, Tazi? Is Sheila being unreasonable or am I - as she claims - being a hypocrite?

Signed,
Beer Man

Dear Beer Man:

As much as I dislike marijuana and the many questionable studies done on it, I have to admit that it does have some redeeming qualities (it can work as a pain killer or to relieve anxiety; it cannot cure lung cancer). If Sheila is using marijuana in moderation and for a diagnosed medical condition such as anxiety or chronic pain and it offers her relief that she cannot get through legally acceptable medical means, than I condone the use of it. This, however, is a lot of "if's" and "and's".

As for your drinking habit - for that really is what it is - you should not try to excuse it with the reasoning that alcohol has medical benefits. Yes, it has been proven that a moderate intake of alcohol is beneficial; however, your intake is not considered "moderate" by any accepted scientific opinion! Two 12-ounce beers per day is considered the maximum amount of alcohol that should be imbibed before damage to one's liver and kidneys will start to occur. Your habit of "usually" not drinking "more than a six-pack a night" means you drink to excess on a regular basis, and any medicinal benefits you are receiving are overridden by the damage you are causing to your body.

Since you ask my opinion I will give it: I think you are being a hypocrite, and that you and Sheila both need to seek professional help - for your habits, and for your relationship. I would advise that neither of you consider marriage until you have learned to fight fair, and to respect each other. In other words, learn to see how you look through the eyes of the other, and move forward from there.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Do you even know for certain if Sheila would say yes to your marriage proposal? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Daughter Does Not Pay Back Loan, Dad Refuses To Pay For Her Wedding

Dear Tazi:

I have been planning my dream wedding since I was a teenager and now my father is about to ruin it all because he is being cheap! He thinks he is teaching me "a lesson in financial responsibility" but I think if I haven'rt learned it by now ruining my wedding day is not the way to teach it to me!

When I was in college my father and I had an agreement - he would pay for my schooling so long as I maintained good grades. If my G.P.A. dropped below a 3.0 I would have to pay my own way through school. He would continue to pay for my tuition and expenses so I could work on bringing my grades back up but that money would constitute a loan and not a gift.

I had a great time in college, and worked hard. but my sophomore year I decided to pledge my sorority. It was the best decision ever and I do not regret it, but because of the added stress of pledging my GPA slipped to a flat 3.0; the following semester commitments to my sisterhood, combined with a heavy course load, resulted in a semester of straight C's and my GPA reflected this. Although I made the grades required for my sorority I did not make the grades required to please my father. He told me that I might want to get a good summer job to defray the cost of returning to college so I wasn't facing a large loan to pay back upon graduation. I could not believe he actually meant that! It's not like we had a signed contract or anything!

My grades improved and I managed to graduate cum laude after busting my hump the next two years to keep my father off my back. After graduation, my father told me he was proud of me and even threw me a party but made no mention of my "loan" until six months later, when he told me I needed to start paying on it. Again, I could not believe he was serious! I had only just secured a job and was moving out of my Mom's house (my parents are divorced) and into my own apartment. I played along and told my Dad I needed more time. That was three years ago, and since I don't see Dad that often he hasn't brought up the subject all that much since then.

My boyfriend is finishing graduate school and he proposed to me this past Christmas. I am very excited and looking forward to our wedding. When I told my father the good news he congratulated me and told me he was happy for me - and that was it. He made no mention of my "loan" (as he always does when he sees me) but also no offer to pay for my wedding. When I mentioned this to my Mom, she said she would talk to him about the cost of my wedding, since traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding.

Tazi, you can imagine my shock and upset when my Mom reported back that my father is refusing to pay for my wedding unless I pay off my "college loan"! He told me that we had an agreement and that I did not live up to my end of the bargain, and now I owe him the $15,000 he paid towards my tuition and living expenses while I "paid for the semester spent partying" by bringing my GPA back up to where he wanted it. This is NOT fair! My mother has limited income and cannot afford to foot the entire bill for my wedding, while my father has done quite well for himself since their divorce. My mother is talking about borrowing against her retirement funds or taking out a home equity loan, but she should not have to do this! Not when my father could easily afford to write a check to pay for the entire wedding, plus honeymoon!

When I approached Dad I told him how angry I was, and he offered what he thinks is a compromise - he will give me $5,000 towards the estimated $20,000 cost of my dream wedding and forgive my "debt" to him. As far as I am concerned, this is not a compromise and I owe him nothing - like I said, it's not like I signed a contract or anything! And besides, isn't there a statute of limitations on unpaid debts? Can you help my father see reason?

Signed,
Daddy's Not-So-Little Girl

Dear Daddy's Not-So-Little Girl:

You are correct that your father cannot force you to pay your debt to him because there was no contract stating you were taking on your college expenses as a loan and not a gift. However, I doubt you have a contract with your father stating that he will be responsible for paying for your wedding, do you? Your insistence on a binding contract regarding financial assistance goes both ways. Just as you are not legally obligated to re-pay your father for your college expenses he is under no legal obligation to cover the costs of your wedding. Your moral obligations to each other are something else entirely.

To put it plainly, your attitude stinks! The time to deal with your situation was years ago, when your grades first dropped below what your father considered an acceptable return on his investment in your education. You blew off his advice as a sad little joke and now the joke is on you. If any family were in dire need of counseling it is yours.

Your mother should not have to go into debt to pay for your wedding, and if you accept any assistance she offers from her retirement account of home equity you will continue to be a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. Nowadays many couples are financing their own weddings. If you want to prove to your father that you are a mature, financially responsible young woman than I suggest that you apologize to him for your disrespect, accept his compromise, and start saving for your upcoming nuptials. Since you graduated college (mostly) debt free you should be able to save a tidy sum without too much difficulty. Since your father is willing to kick in $5,000 your mother will probably want to do the same; if this does not cause her financial hardship you have my blessing to accept it. This brings you to 50% of the total cost of your wedding. If you want to start married life debt free, you may want to downsize your wedding to meet your budget and put anything you and your fiance save towards the purchase of a home. A wedding is not about a diamond and a party - it is about a marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 2: And A Man Shall Leave His Mother...?

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

I have always been kind of a Mamma's Boy, but that is because my father left when I was a very young child, so it has always been mother and me. The first time I left home was to go away to graduate school, which I did several years after receiving my undergraduate degree. I say "first" because I moved home once after that due to a poor economy and student loans. I have since moved out (over my mother's objections) and have a nice home of my own a few miles from my mother's - far enough that I can see her, but not so far that she would have to stay over when she comes to visit.

"I learned a lot watching television!"

I recently had a milestone birthday and have decided that it is time to take the next step with my girlfriend of two years. I plan on asking her to marry me this Valentine's Day! Of course, I told my mother this...and her reaction was far less than what I had hoped.

Mother got very upset when I told her I wanted to marry "Samantha" and went off on a litany about why she is all wrong for me. Everything from "Samantha is a stripper name! No good will ever come of a woman named Samantha!" to "she is beneath you financially; she is a GOLDDIGGER!". Tazi, Have an advanced degree in Chemical Engineering. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, but there are not a lot of people who are above me financially, except for CEO's who have basically sold themselves to their corporations. I pointed this out to Mother, and she told me I was ignoring her argument. When I further pointed out that Samantha is not only a faithful church-going woman and a Eucharistic minister but a woman I met shortly after graduating, when I had no job, no money, and lived with my Mom, Mother retorted that Samantha "saw the potential" of who I could be and staked her claim early.

Tazi, Mother has never made a single disparaging comment about Samantha in the past so I was quite surprised to hear her arguments against my marrying her. I asked Mother if she thought I was replacing her and she went off on a crying jag, saying that she had her suspicions that I was looking for an excuse to push her out of my life, and that I had just confirmed them. I tried to calm her, but Mother said that if I hadn't been planning to cut ties with her why would I even suggest that was the reason for her upset.

I am considering asking Samantha her feelings about building an in-law apartment onto my house so Mother could live with us, but I am afraid that she would only say yes to please me...I know I am only considering it to please Mother. It took me almost 30 years to permanently leave my mother's home an exert myself as a man. I have no desire to go back to what was. I just can't. What should I do?

Signed,
Mamma's Boy But Samantha's Man

Dear Mamma's Boy But Samantha's Man:

The last paragraph of your letter is quite revealing. You say that it took you "almost 30 years" to leave your mother's home and exert yourself as a man. It sounds to me that your mother has held a great deal of control over you and how you lead your life - right down to where you bought your house. I am going to guess that you had some kind of counseling in the past to help you to break free of your mother's unhealthy grip; either way, I am going to suggest that to you now. You may want to meet with a pre-marital counselor now, and have Samantha join you after you get engaged. A counselor will be able to help you develop ways to deal (and sometimes cope) with a demanding parent who does not wish to be put second for anyone. According to the Book of Ephesians (5:31) "...a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two will become one." Regardless of your religious views, this is common sense and the very basis upon which marriage is based!

It is possible that your mother's poor experience with marriage has tainted her against it and she feels she is trying to save you from the heartache that it brought her. I suggest that you have a sit-down talk with your mother on neutral ground - say, a local coffee shop where she is less likely to make a scene. Explain to her that you love her and will always be there for her, and that her reaction to your wanting to marry Samantha has deeply hurt you, but not changed your mind. Tell her you would like to know where this fury is coming from before it drives a wedge between the relationship you have with her and that she has with Samantha. Do not give her the upper hand because she will grab it and use it to manipulate you. If your mother starts to get emotional tel her that you will continue the conversation when she has regained her composure. Give her a few minutes and if she gets worse be a gentleman and escort her to the ladies room to handle herself in private. Do this once. If she starts a second time, tell her that you cannot talk with her when she is like this and that things will have to be continued another time.

At some point, you will have to get across to your mother that just because you are getting married you will not be abandoning her. Continue to assist her in ways you always have, or pick up the pace if you have not been assisting her with lawn care, car care, and other things that older women of a certain generation generally do not enjoy doing. Meet with your Mom once a week for coffee or lunch to have some "mother-son time". Draw your own boundaries, and make your mother aware that they are there and are not to be crossed. Do not even add "except in case of an emergency" because you will then discover just how little can constitute an "emergency". If your mother is truly in a panic, she will call regardless of boundaries; if you give her an emergency out she will call because she "ran out of creamer for her coffee and can't possibly drink it black because that will aggravate her ulcer, which will send her to the emergency room"...you get the picture, right?

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you see yesterday's letter from someone with a similar issue? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Are Her Reservations About Sex, Or Something More?

Dear Tazi:

I was reading in [a tabloid magazine] that this season's bachelor on The Bachelor is a born-again virgin, and plans on saving himself for marriage. Comments about a sexless engagement hit home because I am engaged to a man who is a born-again Christian and he does not believe we should have sex before we are married.

"Bob" is a born-again virgin, as well, not a full-fledged virgin, so he has had sex - just not in a really long time. I am afraid that I am making a mistake in marrying a man I haven't slept with; I am not afraid that he will be bad in bed (well, maybe a little), but I am afraid that we will be sexually incompatible. Unlike the women on TV, I am wholeheartedly committed to marrying my fiancé. I think. I love Bob in every way a woman could possibly love a man - except that one important one, since I have not been given the chance. 

I have not told any of my friends about Bob's desire to wait until marriage and my decision to go along with it; I would positively die if any of my friends found out and I am not comfortable talking this issue over with my mother, who is extremely old-fashioned and would not understand why there is a problem at all. Tazi, do you think Ia m worried over nothing? Or are my concerns valid?

Signed,
The White Wedding Approacheth...

Dear The White Wedding Approacheth:

Are you certain that you don't have cold feet about marrying Bob, and are using your sexless engagement as an excuse to back out of your upcoming nuptials? I am going to suggest that - just for a moment - you remove sex from the equation. Are you happy with Bob? Can you see yourself building a life with Bob? Can you see yourself spending your life with a man like Bob? Do his religious views color other areas of his life (as is wont of those who are born again)? Can you live in a marriage with the rules set down by Bob's religion? If you cannot give an honest "yes" to all of the above questions, your hesitancy to take marriage vows with Bob may not be due your fear of what to expect in the bedroom.

If you have not already done so, I suggest that you and Bob attend some premarital counseling classes. Such classes are usually offered through the Church, but a community center in your area may offer them as well.These classes will focus on answering many of the questions that couples fail to ask or take seriously until after they have put a stress on the marriage. Once completed, you should have a clearer head about what is bothering you about Bob - and if it really is a fear of boudoir boredom. 

As the pet of a responsible human, I was neutered before I reached sexual maturity, but if what the women's magazines I see laying around the house say is true, having sex after a period of abstinence is like hopping back on a bicycle after the winter thaw - you don't forget how to do it right just because it has been a while since you did it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man's Girlfriend Wants Marriage, But Maybe Not To Him

Dear Tazi:

I love my girlfriend of two years very much, and would like to ask her to marry me. "Vanna" is always talking to her girlfriends about how much she would like to get married "when everything is right", but has yet to say anything directly to me.

Vanna's  best friend is getting married this summer, and they have been attending wedding fairs for her for the past year. Vanna always comes home from these events with stars in her eyes and pamphlets that she adds to her "fantasy wedding folder", a file she has had since she was a teenager and is constantly adding to and updating. Everything from "First Dance Songs" (updated by the year) to "Dress Styles" (mostly traditional looks) is in the folder. It looks like she has her entire wedding planned and that all she needs is the groom! I would like to be that groom, Tazi!

With Valentine's Day coming up, I am ready to run out and buy Vanna a ring (she has several styles she likes filed in her folder, under "Possible Rings"), but I am afraid that everything is not "right" yet. Why else would she not hint about getting engaged? Can you think of a reason?

Signed,
Groom To Be?

Dear Groom To Be?:

I can think of several reasons why Vanna has not brought up the subject of marriage with you, ranging from the good to the bad to the downright ugly. It could be that Vanna is a very traditional woman, and believes that the man should be the one who brings up the topic of marriage and handles all the details of buying (and surprising) his lady with an engagement ring. If Vanna is not this type of woman, we are left with the bad and the ugly.

The bad could be that Vanna does not feel that the two of you are in a place to take that next step and make a lifelong commitment to each other. Be it financial instability, the desire to pay down debt, or simply a concern that you have not been together long enough to truly know each other.

Maybe Vanna would like to try living with you to see how your lives will mesh before making a legal commitment to spending her life with you. If none of these scenarios are the case, it leaves you to face the ugly.

The ugly truth of the matter might be that Vanna does want to get married - just not to you.

This does not necessarily mean that she wants to break up with you - she may need more time to decide if you are "the one", or she may see you not as Mr. Right but as Mr. Right Now. The only way you are going to get an answer as to where you stand - at the alter or at the check-in desk of Heartbreak Hotel - is to talk to Vanna.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reader Thinks Man-Child Might Be Proposing, Hopes She Is Wrong

Dear Tazi:

Christmas is coming and I have a feeling that my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him.  The problem is, I do not want to marry him.  I do not want to break up with him - I enjoy his company - but I do not feel compelled to get married because of some unwritten societal rule that states we must get married because we have been together for a couple of years now.

"Steven" is a great guy, but I do not think he would make a very good husband.  He still lives at home with his mother, who does everything for him, from cooking to laundry.  He is completely helpless around the house, and cannot handle even the smallest repairs.  He either cannot or will not cook for himself, preferring to ask me to cook for him or ordering take-out if his mother is not around to do it for him.  His mother sees no problem with her enabling Steven to remain a child; she says it is her job as a mother to care for her son, just as it would be my job as his wife if we were to get married.  Right!

On top of all this, Steven does not pay rent or board.  He has a good job, and spends his money on guy toys - his motorcycle, his sports car, his stereo system, video games, etc.  I am not certain if he even has a savings account because the few times I have tried to bring up financial responsibility he changed the subject.  Other than his inability to take on the responsibilities of adulthood, Steven is the perfect boyfriend.  We have similar interests, he always treats when we go out somewhere, and he lets me have my independence to pursue my own interests, separate from our mutual interests.

I am a financially independent woman with a good career, good friends, and a supportive family.  I would like to get married someday, which is what I tell Steven whenever he brings up the subject; I tell him that marriage is on my list of priorities, but it needs to be to the right man.  He would get upset, saying he would like to get married, and would like to think that he is the "right man", but I can not see him giving up his lifestyle in order to make the necessary financial and domestic sacrifices needed to live apart from his mother.  If Steven does ask me to marry him, do you think I would be leading him on if I said no, but that I would like to continue seeing him?

Signed,
Liking The Status Quo

Dear Liking The Status Quo:

I can see why you enjoy the status quo - you are dating a man-child who treats you like a princess; you have the emotional security that comes with being a part of a couple and the freedom to follow your own, separate interests.  Your boyfriend has no financial responsibilities to anyone but himself, leaving him free to spend that money on you and some really cool toys.  You would like a lifetime commitment to someone who treats you this way, so what's not to love?  Oh, that's right; his inability to shoulder his share of adult responsibilities.

If your boyfriend wants to ask you to marry him, this may mean that he feels ready to man up and be the kind of man worthy of the title "husband".  Perhaps he has decided that it is time to grow up (you do not mention how old you are) and that getting engaged - thus putting another woman before his mother - is his way of cutting the apron strings.

Obviously, Steven is not ready to get married; not if he thinks that life will be just like living with Mom, only with an added sexual aspect to the relationship.  However, this does not mean that the man is hopeless.  If he asks you to marry him, which you do not want to do, saying that you would like to stay together would be giving him hope for the future.  Could there be hope for a future between the two of you?  It appears that you would like to see a future Steven; just a new and improved version of him.

I would suggest to you that you give an explanation for your refusal to marry your boyfriend, should he ask.  Explain to him that you do not want to take the place of him mother, that you want an equal partner in life; then, I suggest you start acting like one yourself.  The next time Steven asks you to cook for him, offer to teach him how to make a few basic but nutritional dishes.  If he is open to this idea, try teaching him how to do his own laundry; see if his friends can teach him how to make minor household repairs, which is something you should know how to do, too!  Home repairs are not gender specific chores!

If, in time, if you start to see changes in Steven's behavior you may find that you feel differently towards marrying him.  If, however, you still cannot see yourself offering him the commitment he seeks, you must be fair to him and be honest about where you see your relationship going - as in nowhere further.  If he can accept this, I see no issues.  If not, I see a break-up in your future.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should He Ask Her To Marry Him On A Gift-Giving Holiday?

Dear Tazi:

I am preparing to propose to my girlfriend of almost one year.  I would like to do it on Christmas Day, but my buddies are all telling me not to do it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  They say that if our engagement breaks off before we get married the ring could be considered a Christmas gift and she would have the right to keep it, whereas if we got engaged on a different day - say New Year's Eve - I would have the legal right to retain the ring if the marriage doesn't take place.  Do you know if this is true, Tazi?

I love my girlfriend very much, and I don't see us breaking up before we get married, but you really never know what is going to happen.  I have paid a lot of money for the ring, so if we were to break up I would want to get it back.  Should I wait until New Year's Eve to ask her to marry me?  Or should I go ahead with my original plan?

Signed,
Almost Engaged

Dear Almost Engaged:

I think you should wait.  Indefinitely.  Your girlfriend has not yet said yes to marrying you and already you are planning what should happen to the ring if your engagement ends. While you may see this as a manner of practical thinking, I see it as placing a higher value on the ring than on the woman you love.

I am also wondering why you are so concerned about the possibility of a break-up before you get married.  If you think your engagement will not last than you should not be getting engaged.  Furthermore, you give your girlfriend very little credit in the class department.  If your theoretical engagement were to break up, why are you so certain she would not offer to return the ring?  If she were to leave you, giving the ring back would be the first item on her "to do" list; if you were to leave her and ask for the return of the ring, a gentleman would give the lady time to mourn the demise of her relationship, a lady would return the ring within a few months time.

If you are dead-set on getting engaged this holiday season, I suggest that you buy your girlfriend a spectacular Christmas gift and hold the engagement ring until New Year's - not because I foresee a legal battle for the ring, but because this plan should ease your fears of losing the rights to what you consider yours.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  You do realize that diamonds have a horrible resale value, right? If you were to try and sell the ring, you might get back as little as 10% of your purchase price.  Not many people want to buy a ring from a broken engagement - they see it as tainted with bad luck, and I can't blame them for their superstition (said the black cat!).  If you were to keep the ring, do you honestly think another woman would accept an engagement ring purchased for someone else?  My mailbag tells me no.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Education Could Be The Beginning Of A New Life For Young Student

Dear Tazi:

I come from a very small town in a part of the country where people still marry their high school sweethearts and buy the house they grew up in from their parents when Mom and Dad are ready to move to Florida. Don't get me wrong, I love my small town - and the people in it, especially my boyfriend "Randy" - but I have always yearned for more! My favorite movie of all time is Sweet Home Alabama, and I often imagine myself in the role of Melanie Carmichael [the Reese Witherspoon character] - until she decides to leave New York behind and settle back down in her hometown.

My family has lived in our town for seven generations now - nobody has ever left, not even to go to college. My teachers have always told me that i am very bright and that I could be somebody if I furthered my education past high school, but my parents always said there is no way they could afford to pay for me to go to college. Late last year, I secretly sent out applications for colleges and I just got the news that my first choice wants me! They have even offered me a full academic scholarship, so I would not have to worry about how to pay for it! When I told my parents the news, Mama cried tears of joy; and Daddy told me he was proud of me, which from him is high praise, indeed! The local newspaper did a write-up about me, and put the story on the front page; and the local diner where I work cut the story out and posted it on the wall for everyone to see. Everyone is so happy for me, I feel like a local hero! The only person who is unhappy is my boyfriend, Randy, who is against me traveling away for school.

Randy and I have been seeing each other since I was 14, and he is the only boy I have ever dated. Randy told me that was hoping that we would get married after he graduates high school (he is a year behind me, because he stayed back a year when he was little) and that my leaving for school would change everything. He is convinced that I will forget all about him and meet someone new while I am away. He suggested that we get married at the end of the school year, and he can come away with me; but I am not certain that is something I want. For one thing, I want Randy to finish high school. For another thing, I am afraid that if I get married I will not be able to handle the responsibilities of college and being a wife. Plus, if I were to get married I couldn't use birth control and I know there would be no way i could handle college and babies. Last of all, I have always hoped that I would grow up to move to a big city, like Atlanta; but Randy has no desire to leave our hometown for good.

What should I do kitty-cat? I don't want to break up with Randy, but I do want to go away to college and start a new life! Do you think it's possible to have it all?

Signed,
Miss Independence

Dear Miss Independence:

You may feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now; so I want you to think back to four years ago, right before you started dating Randy. Do you remember what you were like? What was your favorite way to spend your free time? What were your favorite TV shows and books? How much have you changed over these four years? I doubt that you are still the young girl you were when you and Randy started dating. Think for a minute about the dreams you held back then...have you accomplished them?

Now, think about the dreams you hold for your future. What do you hope to accomplish in your four years of college? Do you hope to pledge a sorority? Write a book? Design your own line of clothing? Cheer for a Division 1 cheer-leading squad? Graduate with distinction? Now, for the most important question of all: Do the dreams you have follow the same path as Randy's dreams? Or can you see the two of you growing apart as you both continue to grow up?

The "you" that Randy fell in love with may not be the same woman who returns home from college. Randy is fully aware of this fact, and would like to prevent any such change from occurring by keeping you at his side, be it in your hometown or away on a college campus. Would you be willing to sacrifice your dreams in order to see Randy's fulfilled? The tone of your letter tells me the answer to that question is no.

At this point in time, I would advise you not to make any rash decisions one way or the other. Enjoy the time that you and Randy have together and enjoy your senior year of high school! When the time comes for you to prepare to leave for school, ask Randy to give you one year away at school without any pressure to come back home. One thing you will experience once you get to college is culture shock. You will be surrounded by countless new people from countless different backgrounds. You may take to college and the city like a duck takes to water or you may find that there is a big difference between what we dream and the reality that those dreams can bring.

During this time away at school, you will be able to sort out your feelings for Randy, your hometown, and what exactly you would like your future to include; while Randy will be able to decide what is best for his future. You may both discover some hard truths about life, including the fact that we can't always have everything exactly as we want it. Whatever you discover, I think time and experience will tell you the zip code of where your heart truly resides.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Young Love? Yes. True Love? You Decide!

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My heart is breaking. The woman I love just got engaged to another man. I have been best friends with “Cherie” since kindergarten, and have always been secretly in love with her. I never said anything because I did not want to risk ruining our friendship, and now she is promised to another man. Tazi, she has only been dating him for six weeks! I think this is far too soon to make such a serious commitment to someone.

I realize that Cherie and her fiancé will not be able to get married until after they finish school, which is not for another four years – eight, if Cherie decides to follow her dream of going to college – and a lot can happen during that time that would cause either of them to change their minds, but I am still tempted to try and do something to push them towards a break up – like telling her parents – and then, as the best friend, I could be there for Cherie to help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart and maybe even find the courage to ask for a chance of winning her hand for myself. What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Head Over Heels

Dear Head Over Heels:

I would recommend that all of you concentrate on your school-work – middle school and high school can be an academically taxing time without having to worry about the stress of a marital relationship.

At 13 or 14, six weeks can seem like a lifetime to have spent with someone; and heart-break can feel like a slow and painful death, but trust me when I say that this, too, shall pass. I will not deny the validity of your feelings – or those of Cherie for her fiancé – but I will express doubt over how long they will last. You may find that you will not have to do anything to “push” Cherie and her fiancé towards a break-up because there is a strong chance that this will occur as a natural turn of events. The fact that Cherie is not mature enough to tell her parents about her “engagement” speaks to the fact that she is not mature enough to be engaged.

Right now, the best course of action for you is to continue to be Cherie’s best friend. The trust and emotional intimacy you share is a very precious gift in and of itself, so please do not sabotage it by plotting to undermine her happiness. Instead, nurture it with continued friendship and loving actions. Some of the most lasting romances have started between the closest of friends; and in a few years – when you are both a little bit older and a little bit wiser – Cherie may discover that the one she has been looking for has been by her side all along.

Regardless of what happens, remember that ladies love the man who treats their girlfriends well; so if you look around, you may find several sets of eyes looking back at you. Don’t be afraid to get to know some of these young women. You may find one you like as much – or more – than your life-long crush.

--Tazi-Kat