Morbid Obesity Is A Health Threat That Many Do Not Wish To Cure

Dear Tazi:

I have an enormous appetite. I love food and can't get enough of it. Consequently, I am seriously overweight.  My doctor has told me that I am morbidly obese and need to lose 250 pounds. My problem is, I don't want to diet. I love food too much. I especially love sweets, so to give those up would be heartbreaking for me.

I know what I look like, and I know that the choices I am making will shorten my lifespan, but I would rather die younger and live a fulfilling life than eat like a bird and be miserable for the rest of my life, which would be much longer because eating healthy is said to prolong your lifespan. No thank you!

My doctor has told me that he cannot help me if I won't help myself. I asked him what he meant by this and he told me he would drop me as a patient! Can he do this? Is this even ethical? I am sure I could find a new doctor, in time; one that I like and who accepts my insurance, but in the meantime who would prescribe my medications? I am on insulin for diabetes and I take several other medications for my heart and blood pressure. My doc says he is trying to keep me from an early grave, and then he tries to push me into one!

Signed,
Overeating And Loving It

Dear Overeating And Loving It:

If you are certain - and I mean absolutely positive that you are not using your love of food to compensate for something that is missing in your life - you need to make this clear to your doctor. We all have the free will to live our lives as we see fit, and if your choice is to wreck your health through a poor diet that is your decision. Some people choose to smoke in spite of the overwhelming amount of medical evidence that argues against it; some participate in extreme sports that result in multiple broken bones and arthritis; you are choosing your poison.

Your doctor also has free will, and if it is his choice not to continue seeing you as a patient he has every right to dismiss you for not following his medical advice. Why would you want to continue to see this doctor when you disagree with his plan for treating you? Just as personal relationships break off, so do professional ones; it sounds like the time has come for you and this doctor to part ways, with no hard feelings.

Whether it is ethical of your doctor to dismiss you as a patient is a judgement call, but I will say it would be unethical of him to dismiss you without plenty of notice and a list of referrals for other doctors who would be willing to treat you and prescribe your medications. Until then, he should remain your primary care physician, regardless of his desires. I suggest you bring up this idea to him, and ask for a list of referrals to other doctors who could meet your needs.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Choosing To Move On Does Not Mean Forgiveness Is Not Sincere

Dear Tazi:

I had been dating my now ex-boyfriend "Greg" for not quite two years when he was arrested for drunk driving. The passenger in the car he hit was seriously injured and almost died, and Greg was criminally charged. I was completely disgusted with what he had done and had no desire to stay with a man who was probably going to end up in jail, so I broke up with him.

Greg assumed that I was breaking up with him out of an immediate sense of anger, and surprisingly respected my decision. I should have known it was too good to be true, because as his trial date approaches, he has been calling me and emailing me, asking if we could try again. He has told me that he recognizes that he was at fault in the accident, and that driving drunk was a foolish and irresponsible thing to do and that he is ready to accept whatever punishment the judge gives him. He is planning on pleading "no contest" to the charges, on the advice of his lawyer, who tells him that pleading guilty will look worse on a criminal record.

Tazi, I believe that by pleading "no contest" to avoid admitting guilt is not accepting responsibility for his actions, and I have told Greg this. When he asked me to wait for him, I flat out refused, telling him that we do not have a future together. I thought this was the end of things, when Greg's mother called me. Apparently, Greg has decided to plead guilty in order to prove to me that he truly accepts responsibility for his actions that night. She is angry with me and has accused me of leading Greg on, implying that we could have a future together if he is willing to plead guilty. This was not my intent.

I emailed Greg to tell him that regardless of his plea we do not have a future together and that he should not be making decisions based on how he thinks I will react. I am strongly against drunk driving on both legal and moral principles, and cannot see myself building a future with someone who has committed this heinous crime. My email did not go over very well, Tazi.

After what I hoped was the final word on the subject Greg's mother called me again and told me that Greg was pleading guilty and "hoping for as much jail time as possible" because he could not see himself living his life without me and that if he was locked up it would make the pain of losing me easier to bear. His mother is now demanding that I tell Greg that I will wait for him - even if it is a lie - so he does not throw away his entire future over our break-up.

Tazi, am I punishing Greg too harshly for his behavior, as his mother claims? Is my refusal to lower my personal standards tantamount to a refusal to forgive Greg his sins? Am I being a hypocrite, as his mother claims, or am I right in my decision to move on with my life and to search for someone who shares my morals?

Signed,
Confused Christian

Dear Confused Christian:

I think you need to take a giant step back from the situation and try to look at it through clearer eyes. Greg's mother is dumping her fears and frustrations on you in an emotionally abusive way. I cannot say I blame her for blaming you - she is upset, and it does appear that her son is dumping responsibility for his bad judgement onto you. This does not mean that his mother's actions are excusable, just explainable.

I suggest that you stand your ground on not getting back with Greg, and not appeasing his mother by lying to him and giving him false hopes that could come back to hurt you in the near future. I think that until Greg'd legal issues are settled one way or the other, you need to keep your distance from him. Greg would be smart to accept his attorney's counsel - that is why he is paying him - and not try to prove a point to you by pleading guilty and accepting a harsher sentence for his crime.

From what you have written, it appears that Greg wishes to plead guilty to prove to you that he is willing to accept full responsibility for his crimes (and make no bones about it, drunk driving is a crime); however, by doing so he may incur a harsher punishment at sentencing - and beyond. It is difficult enough for someone with a felony conviction to rebuild their lives post-incarceration; a plea of "guilty" over "no contest" can make this process even more difficult. In your desire to take the moral high road, do not blind yourself to these facts.

Are you judging Greg too harshly for his behavior? Perhaps. Has Greg apologized to those he has hurt? Has he asked for their forgiveness, and offered to do penance by them? If his actions speak as loud as his words, than yes you are being too harsh. I am not saying you must get back together with Greg, but you must be willing to accept his apology if you wish to call yourself "Christian". Your place is not to judge the sincerity of his remorse, but to work on overcoming the anger you feel towards him.

To answer your second question, I do not feel that a refusal to lower your standards is a refusal to forgive Greg's sins. You have the right to move on with your life and to search for someone new, but I suggest that you unload the emotional baggage you are carrying before you attempt a romantic relationship with someone new.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Superficial Reasons For Break-Ups Could Point To A Deeper Issue

Dear Tazi:

I am good friends with a man that reminds me of the character that Jerry Seinfeld played on his show, Seinfeld. "Arthur" is the pickiest man I know when it comes to women! He has broken up with some very nice women over the nitpickiest details. Examples? One woman refused to grow her hair long again after cutting it short; another wore the wrong brand of sneakers; a third put on five pounds after breaking her leg and being unable to exercise; and he left yet another because he found out she wore push-up bras and that her cleavage was "not natural". His latest break-up was with a good friend of mine (I warned her not to date him).  The reason Arthur left her was because she liked to watch football on Sunday afternoons and he is not a football fan.

After every break-up, Arthur comes to me and complains about how he cannot find a good woman; how they all seem nice at first, but once he gets to know then he discovers some fatal flaw and he has to end the "relationship".  Tazi, I put that word in quotes because Arthur's relationships rarely make it past the one month mark!

After his latest break-up (from my friend) Arthur asked me if I had any other friends that I might set him up with; he tells me that he is looking for a serious relationship, and since I know him so well I should be able to find a woman who is perfect for him. I told him I would think about it, but Tazi what I would really like to do is tell Arthur the truth: that he is far too picky, that he is rejecting women over superficial things that have nothing to do with who they are as a woman, and that he has idiosyncrasies that would make him break-up with himself if he were a woman he was dating! The only reason that I haven't said anything so far is because Arthur is a sensitive guy, and I know his feelings would be hurt. Do you think critiquing his behavior would be helpful? Or should I just continue to beg off every time he asks me if I have found a girl for him yet?

Signed,
"Elaine II"

Dear "Elaine II":

There is a difference between criticizing and critiquing. The first is hurtful and serves no purpose other than to speak your mind; the second offers beneficial advice on how to improve the situation. If you can find a way to constructively criticize Arthur's dating criteria, I say go ahead and have that sit-down talk with him. I suggest you start by asking him how he would feel if a woman left him for any of the reasons he has left women. It could be that there is something in Arthur's past - a bad break-up over something superficial - that has Arthur running from the very thing he seeks: a serious relationship.

Since Arthur's last break-up was with a friend of yours, I suggest you not try to set him up with any other friends lest you end up in an argument with the friend who has already dated him. This is not an excuse, but a reason to beg-off Arthur's requests. Any reasonable man should be understanding of this reasoning; if Arthur refuses to accept your situation as it is and continues to put pressure on you, I suggest that you limit your contact with him - unless you want to join the list of women he has left for superficial reasons. One does not have to be a romantic partner to get dumped.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Ex-Boyfriend" Needs "Closure" To Let Go; May Suffer From Erotomania

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend (and I hesitate to elevate him to that status) "Spencer" - who I only dated for a few months - has enough issues to fill a month's worth of your columns; thus the reason he is an EX-boyfriend/guy I briefly dated. As I mentioned, we only dated for a few months (not quite two); but he refuses to leave me alone. He keeps asking if we can "try again". He suggests that we get together for coffee to discuss "what issues each of us needs to address and focus on changing" in order for the relationship to work.

First off, I do not believe we were together long enough to define what Spencer and I had as a "relationship"; and second, I do not want to get back together with him, so why should I focus on changing who I am to suit him? When I pointed these facts out to him (much more tactfully than I do here) Spencer went off into a tirade about how I am refusing to accept my "share of the responsibility for the failure of our relationship" and that this issue is adding to his already heavy stress load. Tazi, our relationship failed because he is a self-centered dreamer who is all talk and no action. With his charming personality he can win people over until they discover the truth about him: that every word out of his mouth is a lie; that he suffers from a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth; and that his charm is all that he has going for him. When I explained this to Spencer - in those exact words - he told me that I should get counseling, since I am obviously "deflecting" my own issues of low self-esteem onto him, and that he would be willing to accommodate me by attending couples' counseling with me. I do not suffer from low self-esteem, do not need counseling, and certainly do not want to attend couples' counseling with him because we are not - and never were - a couple! The relationship was never said to be exclusive, nor do I believe my actions led him to believe it was!

Tazi, I admit that I broke things off with him rather suddenly; telling him over the phone one night that I did not see a future between us and that I think we should make a clean break of things, but at least I told him voice to voice and not via text message. Spencer keeps telling me that I have "denied" him the "closure" he needs to move on with his life, and that I am not being fair to him by changing my phone number (which did not work; he managed to get the new one from a mutual acquaintance unfamiliar with the situation), ignoring his calls, and refusing delivery of the flowers he tries to send me. Short of taking out a restraining order against the guy, what can I do to get him to leave me alone? Should I meet him for coffee just this once to prove to him that there is nothing there?

Signed,
Moved On

Dear Moved On:

Obviously, whatever occurred between you and Spencer meant a lot more to him than it did to you. What the dynamic was between the two of you is something you do not mention - did you see each other every day? Once or twice a week? A few dates? Hot and heavy? You mention that exclusivity was never discussed; but it appears that Spencer assumed it. For this one reason, it would have been more appropriate to break up with him in person, not over the phone. Should Spencer call you again, I think a quasi-apology (from you) expressing this fact would be appropriate. You do not have to get all remorseful; just a simple, "Spencer, obviously our friendship meant more to you than I realized, and I should have respected your feelings enough to break up with you in person. However, what's done is done. I have moved forward with my life, and it would be best if you did the same". Notice that the words "I'm sorry" do not appear anywhere in the above statement.

If Spencer continues to suggest that you get together to discuss where things went wrong, answer the phone ONE TIME, to simply repeat that you have moved forward with your life and think it would be best if he moved on, as well. If he continues to demand "closure" tell him that this is the best that he is going to get from you. Ignore any further phone calls from him, as well as any other form of attempted contact - by giving him your attention you are giving him what exactly what he wants. It does not matter that you are thinking horrible thoughts about him; the point is, you are thinking of him.

If Spencer decides to bring things to the next level by following you around in person or showing up at places you frequent at times he knows you will be there, do your best to ignore him. If he approaches you, report him to the management; they will most likely ask him to leave the building. If he starts creeping on you via social media, block him and/or turn your page private for a few weeks - eventually, he will give up on you.

If none of these tactics work - or especially if they make the situation worse - Spencer may suffer from a rare (but very real) mental illness called "erotomania", a very serious disorder in which the stalker believes their victim(s) are truly in love with them but are just playing hard to get; and the more you push them away, the deeper they believe that you really and truly love them. In a case such as this - and you will know it if it is such a case - legal intervention will be necessary to secure your personal safety and mental well-being. An excellent book on this topic is I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love, a first-person account by Dr. Doreen Orion. Included in the book is a chapter on resources for the victims of erotomaniacs. I wish you all the best. Please write back to me to let me (and my readers) know how things turn out for you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reasons For A Break Up Need Not Be Made Public

Dear Tazi:

I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriend and was on the way to his house to go through with it when I was in a terrible car accident. A large SUV went through a red light (the driver was drunk) and my compact car was demolished, along with both of my legs, my left hip, and several ribs. I also sustained a concussion from the impact of the crash. I am healing well from the accident, and doing my best not to be dependent upon anybody. I am lucky to have a wonderful support group made up of family and friends, as well as members of my church. With some intense physical therapy, I should be back to normal within six months.

My problem is my boyfriend – I never did have the chance to break up with him. It has been a month since the accident, and he has been saying things that have a cryptic sound, like “Don’t worry; I would never leave you over this, even if you insisted because you don’t want me to be tied to a cripple for the rest of my life”. Um, for one I am *not* a “cripple”; for two I find that word to be highly offensive; and for three I never expressed fear that he would leave me. In fact, it would make the whole break up a lot less messy.

My best friend, who knew about my break up plans, told me that the accident was a sign that we were meant to be together, but I am not so sure of that. During the three weeks I spent in the hospital, my boyfriend never came to visit me, saying he thought I would be too tired for visitors. I am getting the impression that my injuries are more of a burden to him than he would care to handle and his brave face is all just a façade. I still want to break up with him, but I am afraid that people will think it is because of the accident and fear that my prognosis for recovery is not good. I really do not wish to be the subject of gossip, nor do I wish people to think that my boyfriend is the kind of guy who would leave a woman over physical disability – even though it appears that he may actually be that kind of guy. Should I try to stick things out until I am recovered, and then end things with him, Tazi? Or should I just cut all ties now, as originally planned? I am not worried about him pressuring me for sex or other forms of physical intimacy, due to my injuries, but it is getting difficult to keep up with the emotional part of a relationship that I no longer want to continue.

Signed,
Not A Cripple

Dear Not A Cripple:

I can understand your desire to go through with your original plan. Your choice of signature speaks volumes, and I think that seeing this previously unseen side of your boyfriend has furthered your desire to “cut all ties” with him.

Since you fear what the gossips will say about a break up so soon after such an incredible physical trauma, you should not broadcast your plan to break up with your boyfriend. Rather, do it quickly and quietly to save face for all involved. Since he has not been at your side during your hospitalization his further absence will not seem out of place. If people question his absence, casually mention that the two of you are no longer a couple and that the timing could not be better, as you need to concentrate all of your efforts on your physical rehabilitation. If someone should be nosy enough to ask for details or comment on the timing of the break up, shut them down by offering the unexciting explanation “the break up was mutual; it was the accident that was poorly timed”.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to rehabilitate your physical self. Over the next few months, I am certain that the gossips you fear will notice your improvement, which should silence their acid tongues lest they look like fools for spreading ugly rumors.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Social Media A Double-Edged Sword

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend is pure evil. I don't know what I ever saw in the guy - maybe his initial charm? Obviously, our break-up was not a pleasant one; nor was it mutual.

"Wesley" is the type of guy who expects the world to turn at his command. If there is something he needs that he cannot provide for himself, he expects others to provide it because he believes that is what makes someone a good friend. When I had a job opportunity that required a transfer to a different part of the country, I told Wesley I would appreciate his support in my plan to relocate, because I thought our relationship stood a good chance of developing into something more serious. Because Wesley liked the area (it is a metropolitan area in a warm climate), he encouraged me to take it and told me we could "do the long-distance thing" and he would follow in a few months. What I did not realize was that Wesley's plan to follow me did not include looking for work before his arrival. Rather, he planned on living with me until he could "land on his feet". I was not entirely happy with this plan, but I went along with it because I had no choice - he showed up unannounced.

After three months living with me rent free, Wesley still had not found a job; nor had he made a serious effort to find something - anything - that would pay some kind of wage. I realize that a McJob is not a career, but at least it pays the bills; Wesley, however, felt this type of work was beneath him and refused to even apply for entry-level work in or out of his career field. For this and other reasons, I told Wesley it would be best if we went our separate ways, and offered to pay for his plane ticket back home. This was not a request, but a break-up, and I made that clear to Wesley.

Once he returned to our home state, Wesley started asking for a second chance at "the long distance thing" since it was obvious that he was not ready to move. I refused, because in the three months that he was here I saw a side of Wesley that I did not like and, quite frankly, it killed my feelings for him. Wesley refused to take no for an answer and kept demanding an explanation until I finally told him my feelings for him had died. I thought this would be the end of things, but it has not.

Wesley has taken to complaining about me on his Facebook and Twitter pages, saying I have done him wrong and how unfair I am being to not give him a second chance. When he refused to stop, I blocked him so he would be unable to tag me in his posts; but my friends tell me that this just led to him using my name without a tag, and made his rants against me even worse. Wesley is the type of guy who cannot go to the bathroom without tweeting about it, so this should give you an idea of the amount of posting he is doing about me, our breakup, and the insulting things he is saying about me. I keep all of my social media pages private, so it does not appear in an Internet search, but Wesley keeps his public; so I am afraid of what is appearing.

I would like to know, is what Wesley is doing even legal? Do I have any recourse to force him to stop? I am afraid that the stuff he is posting is going to hurt my career.

Signed,
Not "The Whore Of Babylon"

Dear Not "The Whore of Babylon":

You offer quite a history for such a quick question, and paint an unflattering picture of Wesley;,which leads me to believe the things Wesley is saying about you are not all that flattering, either. The question is, are they true? If the things Wesley are writing about you are in fact true, I am afraid you will simply have to grin and bear it, and accept the fact that he is being very immature. Let this be a lesson to you to:

1) Clean up your act, and behave in a way that does not provide fodder for malicious gossip

2) Stand up for yourself.

As uncomfortable as it would have been to turn Wesley away when he showed up on your doorstep, his behavior was disrespectful to you, and should have been a warning sign of what was to come. I suggest that, in the future, you make your lines more clearly drawn and refuse to allow them to be crossed.

If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue you can report the items directly to the Customer Service Department of the social media site and they will see that the offending items are removed. If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue and damaging your reputation in such a way as to cause damage to your standing at work or in your community, he has committed libel against you, a charge that can be addressed in civil court, but I must warn you; libel can be very, very difficult to prove. You may just want to let this one go and free yourself from Wesley's attentions all the sooner.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's Good To Be Single For A While

Dear Tazi:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months and I am so angry I need to get it out of my system somehow! Thank you for listening. You are such a good kitty. Why am I angry? It's a long story.

I am almost 19 and a freshman in college. I am going to school a few hours away from home and have made a lot of new friends this year, mostly through my now ex-boyfriend. I thought we had a great thing going, until one of the women I met through "Aaron" asked me if everything was okay between us. I asked her what she had heard, because as far as I knew, things were going great - we were even talking about getting an apartment together next school year. My friend gave me a funny look, and dropped the subject - with me, at least. A few days later, a second friend approached me with the same question and was much more forthcoming with the details. Our first friend's brother had been cruising the personal ads when he saw my picture - and a profile describing me, saying I was looking for something "on the side"! Tazi, I did NOT post that ad!

Since our friends seemed to think the ad was real, I immediately spoke with Aaron to assure him that someone was obviously playing a cruel joke, possibly in an effort to break us up, when Aaron admitted that HE was the one who posted the ad! He said that he was "turned on" by the number of guys that wanted to get with me and that seeing all the responses made him feel like "the man". I was so disgusted by this I broke up with him on the spot. I feel used and violated...and alone. Most of my friends were Aaron's friends first, and I am afraid that they will choose him over me in the break-up.

Obviously, I am not going to get back with Aaron after this sick behavior - I can only imagine what he was thinking whenever he read the responses to "my" ad - but I don't want to be alone, either. Aaron gave me the email address and password to the account he created for me on the dating site because he hoped I would want to "share" the experience with him (that was when I broke up with him). Rather than take down the profile, do you think it would be okay to read through the responses and contact some of the men? I was thinking that they are interested in me, and why should they be hurt by Aaron's sick little joke? Plus, if a relationship with one of these guys were to happen, that would be the best revenge ever against Aaron!

Signed,
So Alone

Dear So Alone:

Have you ever heard the term "rebound romance"? That is when you go from one relationship straight into another, without allowing yourself time to recover. Such relationships rarely work out, and usually extend the period of broken-heartedness that the that rebound-er is feeling. The general advice I would give to anybody is to take a few months off from dating and concentrate on allowing yourself to heal.

Right now, you are angry with Aaron, and rightly so; but you are also mourning the loss of your romance, and possibly the loss of the friendships you made while you were dating Aaron. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a new relationship. I suggest that you give yourself time to unpack that baggage, and straighten out your affairs. Summer is coming, during which time you will presumably return home to old friends, family, and fun times. You have much to look forward to, and entangling yourself with someone new at this point in time will most likely complicate your life as you try to do the long-distance thing over the summer break.

To specifically address your question about contacting the men who answered "your" personal ad...what exactly did your ad - and the responses - say? You write that Aaron was "turned on" by all the men who want to "get with" you. If Aaron's ad was sexually explicit or even sexually leading - which it sounds like it was since you write that it said you were looking for something "on the side" - the men who responded are probably looking for a strictly physical relationship, which does not sound like what you are looking for but which may be the stuff of Aaron's fantasies. Why indulge either at your expense? Allowing these men to use you will only hurt you deeper.

I wish you luck in picking up the pieces, as well as good riddance to bad rubbish! It sounds like you can do a lot better than Aaron.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Pet-Parents Break Up, Fido And Fluffy Want Visitation

Dear Tazi:

I broke up with my boyfriend the week between Christmas and New Year's. I know what you must be thinking (that I am a horrible person!) but the break-up was mutual, and a long time coming. The passion was gone, and "Jim" and I had drifted apart over the years. My problem has to do with my cat, "Pudgie".

Pudgie was very attached to Jim, and would greet him at the door every day when he returned home from work, just like a dog! (Sorry if that comparison offends your cat-like sensibilities, Tazi). Pudgie insisted on napping on top of Jim and would sleep by our bedroom door at night, to keep guard. If I paid too much attention to Jim, Pudgie would get territorial and shove me away while showering Jim with attention. Like I said, Pudgie was very attached to Jim.

Since I am the homeowner in the relationship, Jim moved out when we broke up; since Pudgie was my cat to begin with, there was no question of who he belonged to and who he would live with as Jim and I parted ways - or so I thought. Pudgie, it appears, has other ideas on his agenda. It appears that he misses Jim. Pudgie still sits and stares at the door every evening, around the time Jim would come home every night, and when Jim does not appear Pudgie meows like a crying child. I try to soothe him, but he won't have it. When I go to bed at night, Pudgie roams the house and cries (I tried locking him in another room, but he scratched to door something awful!). When I get up in the morning, Pudgie looks at me like his heart is broken, and meows for Jim. I can't go on like this! Seeing Pudgie so sad breaks my heart! He's not eating, and is even losing the pudginess that gave him his name (which I suppose is a good thing, but not really at the same time).

I truly have no desire to get back with Jim, so I am hesitant to call him and invite him over to visit with the cat; in fact, I am hesitant to tell him that the cat misses him because it sounds like a ridiculous attempt to get back with him! On the other hand, I can't leave Pudgie to suffer like this...what do you think would be the best approach to reuniting Pudgie and Jim, without making it sound like I am desperate to get back with him?

Signed,
Concerned Cat Owner

Dear Concerned Cat Owner:

Science has recently discovered something that people have known for a long time: animals can feel emotions and have emotional attachments. Creatures from elephants to orangutans have been seen expressing sorrow and grief over the loss of a tribe member, even when there has been no loss of protection or provisions due to the loss. This shows that the grief is not a matter of altruism, but of actual heartfelt sorrow. Pudgie is indeed mourning the loss of his preferred human companion (no offense to your human sensibilities!).

If you are sincere about not wanting to reunite with Jim, I suggest that you email him a copy of your letter to let him know just how much Pudgie misses him, and suggest some sort of visitation schedule (since I am certain that Jim misses Pudgie, too!). If Pudgie is an outdoor cat, would he take to a harness so Jim could have a play-date in the park with him? If Pudgie is an indoor cat, do you trust Jim to be alone with him in the house to cat-sit Pudgie while you run errands? If not, is Jim allowed to have a pet visit where he is currently living? Do you have a mutual friend who would not mind hosting Jim and Pudgie for an afternoon once or twice a week? Visitation with Jim could greatly improve Pudgie's emotional state and attitude.

When couples split, all the animals involved know is that someone they loved is no longer around; they do not understand what has happened, and can experience a sense of abandonment. For Pudgie's sake, I hope that Jim understands this and is willing to make time for visitation with Pudgie. Whether either of you want to accept it or not, Pudgie is his cat, too - at least in Pudgie's eyes he is! Jim, your cat needs you! Please make some time for him.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It's Never Too Late To Apologize For Bad Behavior

Dear Tazi:

I am an idiot. No, I am a jerk. No, I am an idiot and a jerk! Several years ago I allowed an amazing woman to walk out of my life because I was not ready for a relationship and wanted to play the field. I grew up with "Alexandria", and never forgot about her because we live in the same parish so I see her around every now and then - at the grocery store, the Post Office, and other places like that; sometimes, I even go to church because I know that she will be there. This is how I know that she has been happily involved with someone for the past four years.

When I first heard that Alexandria was seeing someone, I was happy for her - and relieved that she had moved on with her life after I broke her heart. It wasn't that I didn't have feelings for her; it was that I wasn't ready to settle down with one woman. I was only thirty and still enjoying playing the field, while she wanted someone more serious. I am now thirty-eight and playing the field has lost its charm. Yes, there were women out there who were younger and prettier than Alexandria, but they all expected me to take care of them - from buying them their every drink from the moment I meet them to buying them expensive jewelry for every holiday. Alexandria used to tell me that a gift of jewelry is a sign of a serious commitment, and I am starting to feel the same, now that I am older, which is why I have bought a diamond tennis bracelet for her.

I realize that Alexandria is with someone, and I am not trying to tempt her away and back into my arms; I just want her to know how important she is to me and that I have finally seen the light - that a good woman is hard to find. I want to tell her that I was an idiot to let her walk away and that I am a jerk for walking all over her feelings all those years ago. I want her to know that, come what may, she will always hold a special place in my heart.

My mother has accused me of trying to start trouble for Alexandria, of going back to the roots I tried to poison, now that I am old and washed up. My sister has reminded me that Alexandria would probably refuse the bracelet anyway, and that I should return it while I still have the receipt. While Mama is wrong, my sister is probably right which is why I was wondering if you think it would be okay to put the bracelet - along with an anonymous note - in Alexandria's mailbox, where she is bound to find it.

Signed,
Lovelorn in Louisiana

Dear Lovelorn in Louisiana:

Were you drunk when you wrote this letter to me? It has been eight years since you broke up with Alexandria! She has been in a serious relationship for four - which, incidentally, does not mean it took her the prior four years to get over you! While an apology for past bad behavior is never the wrong thing to do, you appear to be moved by the wrong motivation.

If you truly care about Alexandria - as a childhood friend or as something more - you will leave her be to move through life without you. Your idea of leaving her a diamond tennis bracelet in her mailbox reeks of stupidity. For one, it is a rarely prosecuted Federal crime to leave anything but duly posted U.S. mail in someone's mailbox. Second, how anonymous would your note actually be, and what affect do you think it would have on her current relationship?

I suggest that you return the tennis bracelet, while you still can, and forget about your plan to woo Alexandria. Next, I suggest you stop going to church in order to stalk this woman! While many couples have met during church, services in the Lord's house are not Match.com events! If you are sincerely called to attend mass, do so out of humble piety...and then after mass you might want to approach Alexandria and apologize for past wrongs against her. You don't have to give a sermon to her, just ask for her forgiveness for the bad blood you feel between the two of you. You may be surprised to discover that she has forgotten all about it and put it behind her years ago.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

After 12 Years Together, Is It Time To Fish Or Cut Bait?

Dear Tazi:

Valentine's Day is approaching and I would like my boyfriend of twelve years to propose to me, but I am starting to think that is never going to happen. Every time I mention the word "marriage" he changes the subject.

"Kyle" and I have been dating since we were 18; we are both now 30, and my biological clock is starting to tick a lot louder than it has in the past! Kyle has said he is okay with having kids before we are married, but I am not. I am stringent with my birth control, just to make sure this does not happen since it is obvious a pregnancy will not be the shotgun that gets Kyle to the alter.

Kyle and I do not live together, at my insistence. While I have my own apartment he still lives at home with his parents. He says that there is no point in moving out since they do not require him to pay rent. Subsequently, Kyle has a large amount of money saved - enough to put a sizable down payment on a nice house or, combined with my savings, to purchase a house with only a very small mortgage - less than $20,000. I have suggested this to Kyle, but he says owning a house together is "too complicated" and has suggested that there would be legal complications if we were to break up.

Tazi, I would like to marry Kyle but like I said I am seriously having doubts as to whether that is ever going to happen. Do you think I am just fooling myself into believing that I will have my happily ever after with Kyle? Should I just break up with him and move on with my life? All of my girlfriends from high school and college are now married with children and I feel like my life is passing me by as I wait for Kyle to catch up with me. Other times, I feel like Kyle is my life and that I should simply adjust my expectations to meet reality.

Signed,
Wanting More

Dear Wanting More:

You have been with Kyle since you were a teenager. As you have discovered, the past twelve years have been a time of education, career training and accomplishments, and personal growth - at least for you. It sounds to me like Kyle's personal development ended in high school.

While only you can decide if you want to stay with Kyle or leave him, I will offer you my opinion on the situation. If you choose to stay with Kyle, you will have to accept that what you have now is the best you will ever have. If a man (or a woman) chooses to remain single past the age of 30 there is little chance they will change their mind and choose to marry. Kyle has told you that he likes his life just the way it is; if you want to stay with him, you will need to adjust your dream to the reality he is offering. Can you do that?

If you decide that all Kyle has to offer you is heartbreak as you watch your dreams of marriage and motherhood slide into the abyss then you need to find the courage to kiss him goodbye ("Na Na, Hey Heys" optional). As painful as it is to leave any relationship, you may discover that once you are single there are other men more worthy of your time and affections. You may even feel a sense of relief, like the Band-Aid you have been afraid to rip off of a wound has finally been removed.

I suggest that you make a list of the pros and cons of your situation. What does Kyle bring to your life that another man cannot? If you can't find anything, then it is time to break things off with Kyle, give your heart time to heal, and set out on your search for a man who can - and will - offer you what you need. Should Kyle finally open his eyes and beg you to take him back you will want to let your head - not your heart - handle the situation.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bragging About Your Ex Is No Way To Impress The Ladies

Dear Tazi:

I have a guy friend who has very little luck with women. I could not understand why "Larry" had no luck until recently, when I set him up with a friend. She told me that all night long all he did was talk about his ex-girlfriends and how much their families loved him and how sad they were to see the two of them break up. He kept talking about how "hot" his ex-girlfriends were, and how he would "make love to them all night long". Quite honestly, I was a little embarrassed to even know the guy, let alone be the one who set them up on a date!

When Larry called my friend for a second date she politely refused, which resulted in Larry calling me to see if I knew anything. I tried to dodge the question by asking him how the first date went, and he told me everything went fine which is why he is surprised my friend turned him down for a second date. I asked Larry what they talked about on their date, and he told me he did spend a lot of time "selling" himself on her, and suggested that maybe he talked a little too much about himself in his attempt to impress her. He then asked me to ask my friend to give him another chance.

I explained to my friend that Larry was just nervous and he was trying to sell himself on her and to please give him a second chance because he really is a nice guy. My friend relented, and things went okay for the first part of the date - dinner and an early movie - but went downhill from there. My friend lives with her parents (she is a little younger than me and in college) and Larry insisted on inviting himself in to meet them. He then spent the next hour ingratiating himself on them, much to my friend's embarrassment. When he finally left, my friend saw him to the door where he wrapped his arms around her, passionately kissed her and promised "more where that came from" when they were alone. My friend is polite to a fault and simply said good night without mentioning that she was offended. I only know that she was because she called me to complain and according to Larry she has been ignoring his calls.

I hate being in the middle like this and want out! My friend has asked me to tell Larry that she is too busy with school to date after all, but I feel that lying to Larry is wrong, that he will never learn from his mistakes unless someone tells him - and I don't want that someone to be me.

Signed,
Stuck In The Middle With You

Dear Stuck In The Middle With You:

My question is, why did you set up two friends with no idea how Larry acts on a date? Surely you have known Larry long enough to know how he acts around women? If not, why would you set him up with a friend? Let this be a lesson in matchmaking - don't do it unless you know both parties well enough to know that no offense will occur.

You do not mention if either Larry or your female friend have asked you to set them up with anyone else, so I am going to suggest that you take this experience as a lesson learned and not try it again unless you know how each person acts on a date. As for what you are currently dealing with - Larry's feelings - as difficult as it may be you owe it to Larry to let him know what is going on with him and your friend (and quite possibly his other dates, as well).

I suggest that you tell Larry that you have something to report to him from your friend, and that it isn't easy for you to say. Use specifics, like how Larry bragged about "making love all night long" to his ex-girlfriends and explain to him that anything to do with an ex-girlfriend is off limits with someone new (at least until she asks about them). Explain to Larry that meeting a woman's parents is a big step in a relationship, and something that should be done after she invites you to meet them, not after you decide to invite yourself into her home. (The exception to this is if the woman is under 18; then it is just good parenting to know who your child is with!).

He should also shave the forehead mustache.

Larry may not take what you have to say very well, so be sure to let him know that you are only telling him so he can work on his presentation. Offer him a few suggestions of what does work, as opposed to simple criticism of what doesn't work. Offer to double-date with him the next time he goes out with someone in order to help steer the evening in the right direction should Larry start to take things in the wrong one. By following your cues, Larry will learn what how to impress a lady.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sensory Processing Disorder Can Make Eating A Nightmare

Dear Tazi:

I am very particular about what I eat. While I eat a variety of foods and flavors, I have to like the texture of the food, too; if I don’t like the way something feels in my mouth – too crunchy, too mushy – I will not eat it. My preferences used to drive my Mom crazy, but eventually she gave up and gave in to what she called my “peculiarities about food” after the pediatrician told her not to make a big deal out of it so long as I was eating a nutritious, well balanced diet.

I recently moved in with my girlfriend and I am hoping this step will lead to marriage, but it seems that my peculiarities about food are a sticking point in our relationship. “Betty” thinks if I do not eat what she has cooked it is a direct insult to her. I have tried to explain what she has always known about me – that I am particular about how food feels in my mouth; if something doesn't feel right I actually get a gag reflex. Telling her this made things worse; she accused me of saying her cooking makes me gag. I told Betty that was not the case and she knew it, and that if she would like I would do all the cooking. I thought this would please her, but it only made things go further downhill and much faster.

We have only been living together a month but already Betty is saying that she cannot wait until our lease is up so she can move out and find a place of her own. I can’t believe that she wants to break up with me because she thinks I don’t like her cooking! Are there other people out there like me, Tazi? If there are, do you think they can explain to Betty that I am not making things up just to avoid eating her cooking?

Signed,

Twisted Taste Buds

Dear Twisted Taste Buds:

There are plenty of people out there like you; they are called “texture eaters” and many of them suffer from a condition called sensory processing disorder, or SPD for short (it is considered to be on the Autism spectrum, and a lot of people with Autism have it). Depending on how mild or severe a person’s super sensory perception is, they may be able to hear things others cannot, see better than most, or have a super sense of touch and feeling or sense of smell.

Kind of like a dog hearing his special whistle!

Some with SPD experience all of these, others one or two super heightened senses. Texture eaters generally have a super-heightened sense of touch, which is why some foods do not “feel good” in their mouths while others taste better because of their more enjoyable texture. Fear not, you are perfectly normal. In fact, you are in very good company – many cats, including yours truly, are texture eaters. I will only eat crunchy cat cereal; you can feed that moist stuff to the dogs!

The fact that Betty was aware of your “peculiarities about food” before you moved in together tells me that she is using it as an excuse to back off your relationship. It is possible that she was not ready to move in together after all, and is only just discovering this fact now that the two of you have merged every aspect of your lives. I suggest you find the time to talk to Sally about this possibility (calmly and rationally) and see if it gets you anywhere. It could be that Betty is afraid to broach this subject and is picking a fight over her cooking as a way to find an out of your living situation. You should work on resolving this before it ruins your relationship altogether.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Choice Between Good Man And Bad-Boy A Difficult One For Woman To Make

Dear Tazi:

Help! I am in love with a man who is a "bad boy". He drinks, parties, rides a motorcycle, and has tattoos...and I never feel so alive as I do when I am with "Severus". I would love to commit to him, but I am afraid that he would end up cheating on me or leaving me for another woman. He says he would not, but I see some of the women who flirt with him, and I don't think I could ever compete with them.

On the other end of the spectrum is "Harry", a buttoned-down, responsible kind of guy. Harry is a stockbroker, so I think you can picture the type. He is crazy in love with me and has asked me to give him a chance, telling me that he will not play with my heart; that he will give me the respect a lady deserves and that he would never stray. The problem is, Harry is kind of boring, especially when I compare him to Severus.

With Harry, I know my evening will involve dinner at a very fancy restaurant and drinks at an upscale jazz club, followed by a very polite (but chaste) kiss goodnight. With Severus, I never know where the night might take us! We may start out having dinner in a quiet restaurant and then end up taking a drive to Disney World to watch the fireworks, and even create some fireworks of our own later on (we live in the Greater Orlando area, so this is not as extreme as it might sound).

With Harry, I know I will have a stable, predictable life and never have to worry about money; because of this, I told Severus I could no longer see him. While this pleased Harry to no end, Severus got angry and asked why I was settling, asking if things would be different if he had money like Harry has. I told him no, but I don't think I convinced either of us. As it turns out Severus is very wealthy. He inherited his wealth at a young age, after his parents died in a plane crash, and invested well. He is a silent partner in several successful businesses, which is why he never appears to have to go to work but always has money. How I could never have known this about him in the first place I don't know; I guess its because he never wanted to talk about what he did for a living (which made me think he might be dealing drugs) and he lives in a modest apartment.

As you might have guessed, I now want Severus back. Does this make me a gold-digger, or just a woman who is trying to be smart about her future? Should I stay with Harry, or risk losing him, too, in order to try to get Severus back?

Signed,
Bird In Hand

Dear Bird In Hand:

I assume that you are hoping that one of these relationships will lead to marriage and many happy years together. To start, I will answer your question about treasure hunting: Are you looking for a man to support you financially, or are you just looking for a man that you will not have to support? There is a big difference between the two, and your answer will give you the answer you seek.

Your original attraction to Severus was because he made you feel alive. In speaking with women who have dated this type, they all say that this is the initial (but often not lasting) attraction they feel towards "bad boys"; in the end, they always ended up leaving because they wanted the party to end while the guy wanted to keep right on living life as he always has. Can you see your attraction to Severus lasting if he chooses not to settle down and to keep on living his spontaneous lifestyle? Do you think that, once you are committed to each other, you would want Severus to change? You mention that you are concerned that he would cheat, in spite of his protests that he would not. Can you learn to trust him, or would you want him to start staying at home more? In short, can you see yourself taking up full-time residency in Severus' world?

Now to look at the other side of the coin: Harry is obviously on the marriage and family track. He respects you - and himself - in such a way that he will not get physically involved with you until you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Ergo, you can trust him not to cheat and you can trust him to stand by you during times of uncertainty. However, there is still the problem that being with Harry bores you. Have you suggested alternative date ideas to Harry? I am not suggesting you try to turn him into Severus, but a night in Disney World sounds like a blast!

Disney World? Let's get this party started!

What you appear to have is two men that represent the two extremes that life has to offer. If you cannot find happiness with either one just as they are, you may be better off looking for someone who lives life in the happy medium that you seek.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you have to go all Harry Potter on me with the pseudonyms? He is not one of my sponsors...yet!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Learns the Hard Way Not To Loan Out Her Credit Cards

Dear Tazi:

I am in deep financial trouble and I don’t know how to get out of it. While we were dating, I allowed my now ex-boyfriend “Roger” to use my credit cards for emergency purchases, like clothes for work or gas to put in his car. He had been out of work for a while before we met, so when he found a job he had no good clothes to wear to it or any way to buy gas to get there until his first paycheck. Because he had to be added to the payroll, and there was a mix-up with his social security number it took him almost a month to get his first paycheck. After he got paid, rather than pay me back the money he owed me, he decided to go out and celebrate his new job with his friends, leaving me at home.

I figured Roger would pay me back the money he owed me when he got his next paycheck (he gets paid every two weeks), but that was the end of the month and his rent and utilities were due, so I figured I would have to wait another few weeks. Two weeks later, when I asked Roger for the money, he dumped me. He said he couldn't stay with someone who was going to constantly pester him about money.

Tazi, I feel so used, but that is only part of the problem. Roger charged almost $2,000 to my credit card for fancy clothes, shoes, and other things he said he needed for work. I do not have the money to pay this off, and can no longer afford to make the minimum payment, which has gone up because the balance is so high.

I have tried talking to the credit card company to tell them that the purchases obviously were not mine, so I should not have to pay for them; Roger is the one they should be harassing for money. The credit card companies have told me that unless Roger stole my card or otherwise used it without my permission I am responsible for the charges. I tried going to the police, but they told me that since I gave Roger permission to use my credit card it is a civil matter, not a criminal one, and they cannot help me.

Tazi, Roger has changed his phone number so I can no longer call him to ask him to pay me the money back, and my credit is in a downward spiral so I can’t even take out a bank loan to pay off the credit card. There is no one in my life who will loan me money; my own mother told me that if I can’t pay my credit cards what expectation others have that I will pay them? I looked into going to a payday loan service, but the interest rate is even higher than the rate on my credit cards, with less time to pay back the balance.

Tazi, would you be able to loan me the money to pay off my credit cards?

Signed,

Tapped Out

Dear Tapped Out:

No. No I will not loan – or give – you the money to pay off your credit cards. For one I don’t know you; for another I am not a bank; and, to give a third reason, if I had the money to loan it would go straight to my Mommie to put towards her student loans. An education is an expensive thing – something you have learned by getting schooled by your ex-boyfriend.

I am printing your letter as a warning to others not to trust their financial stability with someone they hardly know. You do not say for how long you and Roger were dating, but mention that he was out of work before you met, and presumably found a job around the time you started dating. This means you were together less than a month when you gave him free reign with your credit cards.

Since you cannot make the minimum payment on your credit cards, I suggest you talk to the card issuer about working out a payment plan. Your ability to make purchases will probably be suspended during this time but at least your credit will start to improve. Do not refuse to pay the balance on your credit accounts – the purchases may not have been for you, but they were made with your permission which means you are responsible for paying the bill.

You may be able to recover some of your loss in small claims court, which would mean suing Roger for a breach of agreement, but you must be able to prove that Roger agreed to pay the charges he put on your credit account. This will be difficult if Roger was not listed as an additional user on your account. Sad to say, it looks like you will have to chalk this loss up to experience – and know to never loan out your credit cards again.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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Man's Girlfriend Wants Marriage, But Maybe Not To Him

Dear Tazi:

I love my girlfriend of two years very much, and would like to ask her to marry me. "Vanna" is always talking to her girlfriends about how much she would like to get married "when everything is right", but has yet to say anything directly to me.

Vanna's  best friend is getting married this summer, and they have been attending wedding fairs for her for the past year. Vanna always comes home from these events with stars in her eyes and pamphlets that she adds to her "fantasy wedding folder", a file she has had since she was a teenager and is constantly adding to and updating. Everything from "First Dance Songs" (updated by the year) to "Dress Styles" (mostly traditional looks) is in the folder. It looks like she has her entire wedding planned and that all she needs is the groom! I would like to be that groom, Tazi!

With Valentine's Day coming up, I am ready to run out and buy Vanna a ring (she has several styles she likes filed in her folder, under "Possible Rings"), but I am afraid that everything is not "right" yet. Why else would she not hint about getting engaged? Can you think of a reason?

Signed,
Groom To Be?

Dear Groom To Be?:

I can think of several reasons why Vanna has not brought up the subject of marriage with you, ranging from the good to the bad to the downright ugly. It could be that Vanna is a very traditional woman, and believes that the man should be the one who brings up the topic of marriage and handles all the details of buying (and surprising) his lady with an engagement ring. If Vanna is not this type of woman, we are left with the bad and the ugly.

The bad could be that Vanna does not feel that the two of you are in a place to take that next step and make a lifelong commitment to each other. Be it financial instability, the desire to pay down debt, or simply a concern that you have not been together long enough to truly know each other.

Maybe Vanna would like to try living with you to see how your lives will mesh before making a legal commitment to spending her life with you. If none of these scenarios are the case, it leaves you to face the ugly.

The ugly truth of the matter might be that Vanna does want to get married - just not to you.

This does not necessarily mean that she wants to break up with you - she may need more time to decide if you are "the one", or she may see you not as Mr. Right but as Mr. Right Now. The only way you are going to get an answer as to where you stand - at the alter or at the check-in desk of Heartbreak Hotel - is to talk to Vanna.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should Lack Of Intelligence Be A "Deal Breaker"?

Dear Tazi:

My "lady friend" is a wonderful woman.  She is kind, gentle, charming, sexy, a good cook...everything a man could ever want in a woman, with one exception: she is dumb as a stump. Sadly, the woman does not have the brains of an amoeba.  She makes Jillian from Family Guy look smart.

She's not the brightest Crayon in the box,
but her heart is in the right place!

I have been dating "Liesel" for the past six months, and everything is great - except for the fact that I cannot have an intelligent conversation with her; take her anyplace that would result in her interacting with my colleagues from work; or attend any kind of cultural event.  All of the above are things I enjoy doing.  Our dates have consisted of us going bowling, dancing at nightclubs, sporting events, and other activities that do not require the two of us to attempt a meaningful conversation.

Every January, I attend an annual fundraising event for a charity that is dear to both me and my family.  I have met many high power businessmen over the years through this event, and these connections have helped my career immensely. I have to RSVP to the event soon, and I am having a hard time trying to decide if I should buy two tickets or just one.

On the one hand, Liesel is a lovely woman, who would make an impressive date as long as she doesn't open her mouth; on the other hand, I am afraid that her complete lack of intelligence will reflect poorly upon my personal judgement. If I purchase only one ticket, Liesel will be upset that I did not ask her to go with me; she would probably break up with me over a snub like that, and to be honest with you I am not sure how I would feel about that. Tazi, do you think intelligence - or in Liesel's case, a lack of intelligence - should be a deal breaker in a relationship? I don't want to make a move I will later regret, but I am not certain that I will not regret staying with her.

Signed,

Mentally Fatigued

Dear Mentally Fatigued:

Your situation is not all that difficult. You either care about Liesel as an entire person, and respect her for who she is or you do not. It sounds to me that her lack of scholarly intelligence is an embarrassment to you and that because of this you are embarrassed to be seen with her. A woman as "wonderful" as you make Liesel out to be does not deserve this kind of treatment. You need to make a decision: to be proud to be seen and heard in public with Liesel or to break off the relationship.

After re-reading your letter, I am left with the impression that you like the idea of a woman like Liesel but that your interest in the real life version of her has not reached the levels you have hoped. You speak of a desire to live with out regret. This reflects a desire to be perfect, all the time. Nobody is perfect all the time, not even a cat. There are many traits that can be a "deal breaker" in a romantic relationship - some are shallow and superficial; others are not. Only you can decide if Liesel's complete lack of common sense and the ability to process even the most basic facts is something you can no longer tolerate, in spite of her many wonderful traits.

'Nuff said!

I would like to add that you remind me of a superstar quarterback who seeks all of the glory for himself, not the team. This quarterback can try to run the ball and risk getting sacked, or he can throw the ball - and with it the glory of scoring the winning touchdown; only one thing is for certain: If he doesn't make his move it will be decided for him. Your lady friend can make decisions, too you know; I suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with her before she makes one that you will not like.

Perfunctory Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reader Thinks Man-Child Might Be Proposing, Hopes She Is Wrong

Dear Tazi:

Christmas is coming and I have a feeling that my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him.  The problem is, I do not want to marry him.  I do not want to break up with him - I enjoy his company - but I do not feel compelled to get married because of some unwritten societal rule that states we must get married because we have been together for a couple of years now.

"Steven" is a great guy, but I do not think he would make a very good husband.  He still lives at home with his mother, who does everything for him, from cooking to laundry.  He is completely helpless around the house, and cannot handle even the smallest repairs.  He either cannot or will not cook for himself, preferring to ask me to cook for him or ordering take-out if his mother is not around to do it for him.  His mother sees no problem with her enabling Steven to remain a child; she says it is her job as a mother to care for her son, just as it would be my job as his wife if we were to get married.  Right!

On top of all this, Steven does not pay rent or board.  He has a good job, and spends his money on guy toys - his motorcycle, his sports car, his stereo system, video games, etc.  I am not certain if he even has a savings account because the few times I have tried to bring up financial responsibility he changed the subject.  Other than his inability to take on the responsibilities of adulthood, Steven is the perfect boyfriend.  We have similar interests, he always treats when we go out somewhere, and he lets me have my independence to pursue my own interests, separate from our mutual interests.

I am a financially independent woman with a good career, good friends, and a supportive family.  I would like to get married someday, which is what I tell Steven whenever he brings up the subject; I tell him that marriage is on my list of priorities, but it needs to be to the right man.  He would get upset, saying he would like to get married, and would like to think that he is the "right man", but I can not see him giving up his lifestyle in order to make the necessary financial and domestic sacrifices needed to live apart from his mother.  If Steven does ask me to marry him, do you think I would be leading him on if I said no, but that I would like to continue seeing him?

Signed,
Liking The Status Quo

Dear Liking The Status Quo:

I can see why you enjoy the status quo - you are dating a man-child who treats you like a princess; you have the emotional security that comes with being a part of a couple and the freedom to follow your own, separate interests.  Your boyfriend has no financial responsibilities to anyone but himself, leaving him free to spend that money on you and some really cool toys.  You would like a lifetime commitment to someone who treats you this way, so what's not to love?  Oh, that's right; his inability to shoulder his share of adult responsibilities.

If your boyfriend wants to ask you to marry him, this may mean that he feels ready to man up and be the kind of man worthy of the title "husband".  Perhaps he has decided that it is time to grow up (you do not mention how old you are) and that getting engaged - thus putting another woman before his mother - is his way of cutting the apron strings.

Obviously, Steven is not ready to get married; not if he thinks that life will be just like living with Mom, only with an added sexual aspect to the relationship.  However, this does not mean that the man is hopeless.  If he asks you to marry him, which you do not want to do, saying that you would like to stay together would be giving him hope for the future.  Could there be hope for a future between the two of you?  It appears that you would like to see a future Steven; just a new and improved version of him.

I would suggest to you that you give an explanation for your refusal to marry your boyfriend, should he ask.  Explain to him that you do not want to take the place of him mother, that you want an equal partner in life; then, I suggest you start acting like one yourself.  The next time Steven asks you to cook for him, offer to teach him how to make a few basic but nutritional dishes.  If he is open to this idea, try teaching him how to do his own laundry; see if his friends can teach him how to make minor household repairs, which is something you should know how to do, too!  Home repairs are not gender specific chores!

If, in time, if you start to see changes in Steven's behavior you may find that you feel differently towards marrying him.  If, however, you still cannot see yourself offering him the commitment he seeks, you must be fair to him and be honest about where you see your relationship going - as in nowhere further.  If he can accept this, I see no issues.  If not, I see a break-up in your future.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Break Up Or Not To Break Up? THAT Is The Question!

Dear Tazi,

I need your cat-wisdom. I know the human idea of only having one lover at a time seems impractical to your polyamorous feline ways, but it works for some people. I'm having problems with my girlfriend; I feel like I had given so much effort in the past (like above and beyond), not expecting that much in return, but at least hoping for some level of joy and passion I felt in the beginning.

For many of the holidays I've received gifts that reflected her interests more than mine. Mostly they were very thoughtful, but most I could have picked up from the store and given to any of my friends and they would have been appreciative. I'm not being superficial; I just want to know that my partner actually knows what I like outside of what we have in common.

She says I get upset a lot, and that's probably true. But before I bring up a complaint, I try to think about it to see if I'm overreacting, and then I ask her about it. But the issues never feel resolved. I get more questions and doubts.

I feel like a part-time boyfriend. I feel like I disappear when we're not immediately together or that I will never really know about her life outside of what we have together. It's not that I'm nosy; I'm just genuinely interested in her life. But she doesn't really think it's my business, per se.

I know I can be difficult; I'm jealous, over-sensitive, emotional, stubborn, sarcastic, blunt, etc. But I know I'm a great boyfriend; I'm adoring, not high-maintenance, capable of unconditional love, attentive to her needs, supportive, and I make plenty of room for her own space.

I'm receiving lots of outside advice saying I should think about if I'm happy, and if I'm not (which they say I don't appear to be happy or satisfied), that I should break up with her. They tell me I can do better, and that I'm an attractive guy and that there's someone else waiting. I get uneasy when they talk like this, like me even listening to the conversation is making me unfaithful.

I love her, and I'm willing to shell out even more effort for us, but I'm so scared things will never change for the better.

Please help me, Tazi!

Sincerely,
Scared & Confused

Dear Scared & Confused:

So many issues all at once! I can see why your outside advice givers are recommending a break-up, but I like to leave the drastic measures as a plan of last resort. From what I see in my mailbag, a lot of couples who break up end up getting back together and riding an emotional merry-go-round as they try to make things work. To me, this is like trying to repair a broken window: all the pieces may fit back together, but there are still visible cracks that remind you of what happened to cause the break; this can put further stress on an already fragile relationship. Since you and your girlfriend have not yet broken up, saving the relationship now will be easier to do than after a break-up; I will try to address your concerns in the order you have written them!

To start, gift giving can be a chore, even for someone who likes to shop. Sometimes, as well as humans know each other, they are scared to stray from the known path and get into a safe but boring gift-giving rut. Something I see humans doing a lot of is list making; you could make a list of “Awesome Stuff I Want (When I Can Afford Them)” and tack it to your refrigerator door or somewhere else your girlfriend will see it. Include different price points from inexpensive (pine scented candle so your bathroom does not smell bad); moderate (CK One cologne so you do not smell bad); to expensive (Beer Brewer’s weekend getaway at the Woodstock Station (NH) Inn and Brewery where it naturally smells of pine and CK One notes). If your lady friend sees something on the list that she likes you can be assured that it will show up at your next gift-receiving event! If nothing more, the list can be a conversation starter between you and her offering insight into your lesser known interests.

Second, on the issue of unresolved issues: If an issue feels unresolved that means it is – at least for you, and unless an issue is resolved for both members of the couple it remains an issue in the relationship. When discussing these unresolved issues, try bringing them up at an appropriate time – like when she is relaxing on the couch, not when she is screaming that the toilet is overflowing and the plunger is missing. Timing is essential. You could also try to use “I Language”, which will help you to frame the issue as something that has you feeling insecure and not as something your partner has done wrong.

Don't you hate when this happens?
You do not say how long you and your girlfriend have been together, but I read that “many of the holidays” have passed in the span of your relationship, so to not know about her life outside of what you have together is disconcerting. Have you expressed an interest in meeting her friends? Has she shown an interest in meeting yours? A sign that someone sees you as a long-term partner is the introduction to the members of their inner circle. (My Mommie was dating my “Uncle” for only a month when her best friend got married, so Mommie did not take him to the wedding although she now wishes she did). If you have met her friends and family, try to let go of your insecurities and ask yourself what exactly she is keeping from you. If she does not talk about work it could be because she likes to leave it at the office; if she does not like to talk about what she and her girlfriends discussed over coffee, be grateful! Trust me; you do not want to know!



If, however, she is closing you out of her life altogether this could be a signal that she is not ready to fully commit – like the woman who hides her engagement ring when an attractive man looks her way, she may be afraid that she is settling.

The personal qualities that you list as negatives – “jealous, over-sensitive, emotional, stubborn, sarcastic, blunt, etc” – are characteristics that many people love (especially sarcastic, blunt, and emotional). If this is a part of who you are, your lady friend should love you because of them, not in spite of them. The positive qualities you list are going to leave my mailbox full of requests for your contact information, which I am sure you already receive from people you meet in person, if you let these qualities show. In the end, you have to ask yourself, “Am I allowed to be myself in this relationship? Does my partner love me for who I am, or for who they think I am? Do they love me because of how I act or in spite of how I act?” Once you know the answers to these questions, the decision to work on your relationship or to let go will be easier to answer.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.