When Pet-Parents Break Up, Fido And Fluffy Want Visitation

Dear Tazi:

I broke up with my boyfriend the week between Christmas and New Year's. I know what you must be thinking (that I am a horrible person!) but the break-up was mutual, and a long time coming. The passion was gone, and "Jim" and I had drifted apart over the years. My problem has to do with my cat, "Pudgie".

Pudgie was very attached to Jim, and would greet him at the door every day when he returned home from work, just like a dog! (Sorry if that comparison offends your cat-like sensibilities, Tazi). Pudgie insisted on napping on top of Jim and would sleep by our bedroom door at night, to keep guard. If I paid too much attention to Jim, Pudgie would get territorial and shove me away while showering Jim with attention. Like I said, Pudgie was very attached to Jim.

Since I am the homeowner in the relationship, Jim moved out when we broke up; since Pudgie was my cat to begin with, there was no question of who he belonged to and who he would live with as Jim and I parted ways - or so I thought. Pudgie, it appears, has other ideas on his agenda. It appears that he misses Jim. Pudgie still sits and stares at the door every evening, around the time Jim would come home every night, and when Jim does not appear Pudgie meows like a crying child. I try to soothe him, but he won't have it. When I go to bed at night, Pudgie roams the house and cries (I tried locking him in another room, but he scratched to door something awful!). When I get up in the morning, Pudgie looks at me like his heart is broken, and meows for Jim. I can't go on like this! Seeing Pudgie so sad breaks my heart! He's not eating, and is even losing the pudginess that gave him his name (which I suppose is a good thing, but not really at the same time).

I truly have no desire to get back with Jim, so I am hesitant to call him and invite him over to visit with the cat; in fact, I am hesitant to tell him that the cat misses him because it sounds like a ridiculous attempt to get back with him! On the other hand, I can't leave Pudgie to suffer like this...what do you think would be the best approach to reuniting Pudgie and Jim, without making it sound like I am desperate to get back with him?

Signed,
Concerned Cat Owner

Dear Concerned Cat Owner:

Science has recently discovered something that people have known for a long time: animals can feel emotions and have emotional attachments. Creatures from elephants to orangutans have been seen expressing sorrow and grief over the loss of a tribe member, even when there has been no loss of protection or provisions due to the loss. This shows that the grief is not a matter of altruism, but of actual heartfelt sorrow. Pudgie is indeed mourning the loss of his preferred human companion (no offense to your human sensibilities!).

If you are sincere about not wanting to reunite with Jim, I suggest that you email him a copy of your letter to let him know just how much Pudgie misses him, and suggest some sort of visitation schedule (since I am certain that Jim misses Pudgie, too!). If Pudgie is an outdoor cat, would he take to a harness so Jim could have a play-date in the park with him? If Pudgie is an indoor cat, do you trust Jim to be alone with him in the house to cat-sit Pudgie while you run errands? If not, is Jim allowed to have a pet visit where he is currently living? Do you have a mutual friend who would not mind hosting Jim and Pudgie for an afternoon once or twice a week? Visitation with Jim could greatly improve Pudgie's emotional state and attitude.

When couples split, all the animals involved know is that someone they loved is no longer around; they do not understand what has happened, and can experience a sense of abandonment. For Pudgie's sake, I hope that Jim understands this and is willing to make time for visitation with Pudgie. Whether either of you want to accept it or not, Pudgie is his cat, too - at least in Pudgie's eyes he is! Jim, your cat needs you! Please make some time for him.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner: Issue #9: Abandoned Pets, Adoption...and Tazi's Story

Dear Readers:

One last repeat and then we are back to original columns starting tomorrow! 

I am back from vacation! I have had a wonderful week lounging seaside and sipping catnip margaritas while working on my tan (under this black fur I am paper white!). While away, I ran into a horrifying discovery: someone had abandoned a family of eight angora rabbits! These domestic animals could never survive in the wild, so I immediately contacted animal services! Once they got over the shock of a talking cat these wonderful people caught the bunnies, saw them treated, and have put them up for adoption. How could anyone be so cruel to an animal? I have said it before and I will say it again (below and here): pets are not disposable; pet ownership is a commitment, and if you are not ready to take it seriously do not adopt an animal!

Snuggles,

Tazi


[Ed. Note: Tazi's story has been pieced together through many sources, including veterinarian reports and post-adoptive behaviors].

Dear Readers:

About a month ago, a reader sent me this picture and suggested I write about the sad phenomenon of abandoned pets.


I thought about it, decided that I would not be Sarah McLaughlin-ing you all if I wrote on this topic, and am dedicating space to this sensitive subject.


The subject of pets is a sticky matter. Some people see pets as a form of home security (from human intruders to rodent invaders); others see pets as a member of the family; some go so far as to consider a pet equal to a human child. I have met in person and received mail from many people who have chosen to have pets instead of human offspring or who prefer their pets company over that of their children. As flattered as I am that quadruped companions play such an important role in a person’s life, I am of the belief that we are valued family members and surrogate children – not children per se, so please do not treat us like infants.

Now that you understand that I do not equate pets with human children, I can move forward without worrying about scathing letters calling me an egomaniac. I am a cat – we are all egomaniacal; however, it is not egomaniacal to expect someone who has taken us into their home to treat us like family. I ask you:

How many times has a child destroyed something you valued; you have not banned them from your home, have you?

How many times have you dated a person that did not like children; you did not send your children to an orphanage, did you?

How much money do you spend on extras, like cookies; candy; chips and other non-nutritional food? My Mommie once gave up coffee so she could afford to feed me. Would you be so selfless in order to feed your pet? If not, excuse me while I report you to child services…I can only imagine what kind of parent you are!

Would you abandon your children because you could not find housing in a good neighborhood; or would you keep looking until you found the right place? I know it can be difficult to find an apartment that accepts pets, but they are out there; you just have to look a little harder, and be willing to ask questions. Most places that do not explicitly say “NO PETS” are willing to negotiate a lease, some without a “pet deposit”. (Please do not argue that it is illegal to refuse to rent to someone with children; such discrimination is almost impossible to prove).

Congratulations, you have a “real” baby now! Will s/he still be a member of the family should other babies come along; or will he or she be joining me at the shelter? If you cannot handle the responsibility of a child and a pet, I would hate to see how you handle what life throws at you when your child learns to crawl, walk, talk, and run you ragged. When your child gets old enough to ask for a pet, do the animal kingdom a favor and tell your child “no”.

I know that sometimes the inevitable occurs – financial loss, divorce, etc. - and you simply cannot afford to keep your pet any longer or you are unable to give it the attention it deserves. If you cannot bear to bring them to the shelter, put forth the effort to find them a new home! Do not abandon them in your foreclosed home because “it’s the only home they ever knew”. Even worse, do not allow them to return to the wild – they cannot return to whence they did not come. If an animal was born into a domestic setting, freeing it into the wild is sentencing it to a slow death from starvation and injury. Some animals can adapt – The Call of the Wild has some truth to it – but that leads to the problem of invasive species; Florida and Hawaii have a terrible problem with pythons and after Hurricane Katrina packs of wild dogs roamed New Orleans.


Jack London would be proud...

Animals are quite adaptable and will take to a new home with new owners. I should know; I have been there.

Since starting this column, many people have read my bio and asked me about life before I came to live with Mommie and her people. It is not something I like to discuss because I still suffer residual anxieties from that time; I will not approach a street for fear of cars, I will not go into a car for fear of being left far from home, I will not let Mommie leave the house without a promise that she will return. People say I have the spirit of a dog; I tell them I express the behavior of a creature that has been abandoned and left to starve. Here is my story:

I don’t remember much about my early life – a kitten never does! I suppose I was playful and full of mischief; I know I had a special blanket to sleep upon because that was the first thing I demanded of Mommie after she adopted me, the red one on her bed, please. I was also trained not to sit directly on a table or a counter-top, but to sit on the newspaper on top of the table or counter-top instead – that was how I became such a literate cat! When I arrived at Mommie’s, I was so happy to see she had newspaper on the table! The shelter didn’t offer newspaper, and I never knew where to sit, so I just curled up in the back of the cage.

The first few months of my life were quite happy! I lived in a home with a nice human who treated me well. Then one day, when I was about nine months old, I was taken for a car ride. I did not like this and soon discovered why when the human driving the car put me out at the edge of something called a “biking and walking path” and left me there. I was so scared! I was just a little kitten, and had never before been outside in the big, wide world! Where were they going? Why were they leaving me there? Where was my human? I cried so many little kitty meows, but nobody heard me.

That first night, as it started to get dark, I got hungry. I meowed for food, but nobody brought me any. I looked for my bowl but nobody had brought it; same with my box, and I had to go! This terrible existence went on for three weeks; the weather was so cold and so was the ground – the white stuff on it stung my paws as I walked! I was ever so hungry, all the time…

By the fourth week, I was ready to curl up in a ball and die; so that is what I did. I wandered into the backyard of a nearby house, tucked my nose under my back paws, and waited for the hungry and cold feelings to stop. They didn’t; instead, a miracle occurred. The humans who lived in that particular yard saw me! Thinking I was already dead, they called the Animal Shelter and asked if “someone could come pick up a dead cat” in their yard (those are the exact words they used! I heard the shelter telling Mommie about it!). When the shelter got there, they found me. They called me, “a little ball of fur, shivering with fear, more dead than alive”. Too weak to fight, I let the Animal Control Officer pick me up and carry me into a truck figuring nothing could be worse than what I had already gone through; just make my end a painless one was all that I wished.

When I got to the shelter, they put me in the back room and had a doctor check me out. I was malnourished and needed my shots. I had avoided dehydration by eating the cold, wet stuff on the ground; the doctor said that is what saved my life. For three weeks I got to stay in the back room, where I was nursed and pampered and allowed to sleep and eat as much as I wanted! I gained three pounds during that time and tipped the scales at eight pounds when they moved me to the adoption area! I liked the back room, and wished I could have stayed there – the main area of the shelter was full of angry looking cats, most of who had been “surrendered” by their owners; I understood why those cats looked so angry, but at least their humans had been kind enough to bring them to the shelter.

I was on display in the Cat Adoption Area for a week when a woman in a red sweater walked in, looking for her feral cat. She had taken him in a few years ago, and feared he had “heard the call of the wild” and gone back to being feral. Well, duh! Just like you can’t free a domestic, you can only cage a wild animal for so long! Knowing she would be looking to adopt a new cat – and loving that red sweater she had on – I burst forth from the back of my cage, hooked my paw through the bars, grabbed her sweater in my claws and gave her the saddest, most pleading meow the feline world has ever heard (I also gave her my best Puss In Boots eyes). The shelter employees were accordingly shocked – I had not displayed such affection for any of them; they, however, were not wearing red. I have to admit I was quite shocked myself when she left without me! Knowing she would be back to look for her erstwhile feral, I made a plan to redouble my efforts at adoption, going so far as to stay awake and wait for her during nap time!

To make a long story short (too late, I know) I spent three weeks inducing a guilt trip on that woman in the red sweater…and have spent the last eight years calling her “Mommie” as I shower her with affection (and requests for treats) in return for giving me a loving home. In the words of the immortal Paul Harvey, now you know the rest of the story…and now that you know it, please think about adopting a shelter animal as your next pet! Seriously, don’t make me go all Sarah McLaughlin on you!

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Loss Of Pet Leaves A Hole; New Pet Is Not A Replacement

Dear Tazi,

My cat “Indiana” had to be put down this past September, after 18 years of life. I’d had Indiana since he was a kitten; I loved that cat more than anything. My seven year old daughter – who I have custody of part-time – was also upset over Indiana’s death, which is why my girlfriend went out and bought me a new kitten for Christmas.

My daughter loves “Sadie”, and I have to admit that she is a cute kitten, but I am just not ready for a new cat, and I am afraid that it is showing. Try as I might, I just can’t bond with this new kitten. Indiana was a man’s cat; he was a total [tough guy]. Sadie is gentle when she plays – great for my daughter, but hardly a good replacement for Indiana.

I don’t want to insult my girlfriend or upset my daughter by getting rid of Sadie, but I just can’t bond with her like I did Indiana. I am just not ready to start over without my main man, Indiana. You’re a cat. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do here? I feel badly. Sadie is just a kitten and always looks like she can’t understand why I don’t love her like everyone else.

Signed,

Hoosier

Dear Hoosier:

The loss of a pet is an inconsolable one, yet you have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your beloved cat. I have always said that until you have owned a pet you have not known unconditional love. Your Indiana sounds a lot like my predecessor, Koko Kat, who was also a [tough guy]; in fact, his nickname was Bad A--. Koko ran off after coming out on the winning end of a tangle with something large and dangerous, but he was missing for several weeks, during which time my Mommie looked for him every day – all through the neighborhood and at the animal shelter – which is where she saw and fell in love with me.

Like you, Mommie did not wish to adopt another cat (even me); she wanted her original cat back! Then, she realized that I was not a replacement of her Koko Kat; I would not replace the memories she had of Koko, rather, I would bring her new memories all our own, of just her and me. Different does not necessarily mean better – or worse; just unique. My personality is the polar opposite of Koko Kat, who chose to return to his pre-adoptive feral ways. Mommie does not love me more or less than she does Koko – just differently. If you were to have another child, would you love him/her more or less than your first? Of course not; you would love them the same amount, just in different ways.

I suggest that you give little Sadie a chance to be her own self – not a shadow of Indiana or a replacement of him, either, but a kitten with her own personality. Try to think of her as an additional cat in your life, not one that is a replacement for the cat you lost. Get to know Sadie by playing with her, offering her a cuddle, and cleaning her litter-box. She may never be the rough and tumble cat that Indiana was, but unlike dogs a kitten’s personality does not always reflect the cat she will become!

If, in the end, you simply cannot bond with Sadie please do not send her to a shelter; try to find her a home with friends or family or even your girlfriend, which would allow your daughter to still see her, or find a good home for her with someone who will love and cherish her. It is unfair, but kittens more than six months old are not adopted very quickly – people want a baby kitten, not a half grown one, and sending Sadie to the shelter may mean that is where she is to live out her days.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.