Ex Gets The Inheritance - And They Weren't Even Married!

Dear Tazi:

I am so angry I could spit out my Pibb! My father died after a long illness and left his entire estate – including his rental property – to my ex-girlfriend, “Anna”, the woman he had hoped I would marry. My wife is devastated over the loss, since we planned on selling the house and using the money to pay off our own mortgage. I asked that grave-robbing piece of [feces] to do the right thing and sign the house over to me, but she refused. She told me she had no idea that my father was going to leave her anything; that she is just as shocked as everyone else but that she will honor his final wishes and accept his “generous gift”, and that she appreciates the fact that Papa sought to leave her with a secure financial future.

I spoke to my father’s estate attorney, who made it quite clear that Papa’s will was written after I broke up with Anna and that his intent was clear – he wanted her to have a home of her own and the money to keep up with the maintenance and repair (being a single woman she will have to hire someone to do a lot of these things). Papa left me with nothing but a life insurance policy that was just enough to cover his burial expenses (the homestead went to my Mama by default, since her name remained on it even after they divorced).

Anna has been busy decorating the rental property to her own tastes, hiring local contractors to do painting, carpet installation, and other chores. Many of these contractors are my friends, and they cannot speak highly enough of “Miss Anna”, telling me what a peach of a hostess she is and how she makes great pies and lemonade. They are nice enough not to say this in front of my wife, but word gets around a small town and she has heard the gossip. Would it be okay to tell my friends to shut their pie-holes and stop bragging on how great Anna is? Should I tell them some of her lesser qualities? I don’t want to come off as a jerk, but I feel like my nose is being rubbed in my losses.

Signed,
Twice Burned

Dear Twice Burned:

Your wife is "devastated" over the loss...of your father's money? I simply want to make certain that I read your letter correctly. If this is what you mean, I can see why your father preferred Anna over your wife!

Something tells me there are details being left out of your letter, specifically the details of just how you broke up with Anna; how close she remained to your family and friends; and how well you treated your father. If your father loved Anna like a daughter-in-law and you treated her unfairly, I can see why he would feel protective of her; but to the point of leaving her an inheritance?

I have never heard of a parent disinheriting a child in order to bequeath their fortune on said child’s former romantic partner; I have heard of former connections remaining close to an ex’s parents and treating those parents better than their own children treat them. Who assisted and/or cared for your father during his long illness? Were you there by his side to help him remain in his own home? Was Anna? These are all questions that could shed some light on why he left her an inheritance that was originally intended for you.

I doubt that your friends are trying to rub your nose in your losses (and I do hope you are including the loss of your father among those losses); they are probably just surprised to find that you broke up with a woman like Anna, or maybe are fishing around for the right way to ask if you are okay with one of them asking her on a date. The next time one of your buddies starts bragging on “Miss Anna”, remain calm and tell them that yes, she is a special lady; she just wasn't the one for you, and would appreciate if they kept the comments about your ex to a minimum as it is affecting your wife’s self-esteem. You should never, ever speak poorly of an ex; it only reflects back on your own character.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Just because a woman is single does not mean she is incapable of handling household maintenance and repairs; however, it was nice of your father to consider the financial worth of these chores. –T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wealthy Woman Discovers That Even Money Cannot Buy Sons' Attention

Dear Tazi:

I have two ingrates for children!  I did not raise them this way, but they are just like their father.  They put work before everything and everyone else.  Is it any wonder that they are both married to a couple of golddiggers who only want them for their earning potential?   

I am in my early 60’s and widowed; my workaholic husband died far too young of a stress induced heart attack, leaving me wealthy but lonely.  We lived far from family and his work schedule never allowed for socializing with friends.  I have kept busy since his passing, but am essentially on my own.  Our two sons are always too busy too visit with me, even on the holidays.

Quite recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that will most likely take my life within the next few months.  Although the news was grave, I am accepting of it.  I have felt fatigued for some time now, and thought it was just stress.  My illness is too far along for treatment to make much of a difference, so I have refused it in order to spend my remaining days peacefully enjoying what time I have left.

When I informed my sons of my decision not to seek treatment for my cancer, they were very upset and encouraged me to try, even going so far as to say that their father would be disappointed in my decision.  When I explained to them that treatment would leave me debilitated and in need of around-the-clock care they offered to hire a private nurse to take care of me.  When I explained to my boys that I would prefer not to receive such intimate care from strangers uneasy looks came over their faces.  The slightest hint that I would like them to step-up and assist me with my end-of-life care was enough to make them change the subject!  They told me that the decision to refuse treatment was my choice and that they would respect it, in spite of their disappointment! 

Tazi, I am still going to need some sort of assistance as my time grows near, and have decided that since I cannot depend upon my sons I will be leaving them nothing to depend upon in my will.  My attorney cannot believe that I would write my sons out of my will, but he is willing to go along with my wishes and is making my will so airtight a [gaseous emission] couldn't squeak out of it!

My question is, Tazi, do you think I am being unreasonable and petty?  Do you think my late husband will be upset with me when I see him again in Heaven?

Signed,

At Peace…Almost

Dear At Peace…Almost:

Do I think you are being unreasonable and petty?  No.  I think you are responding from a place of anger.  Are you certain that this is how you wish to be remembered?  Do I think your late husband will be upset with you over disowning your sons?  That is a question only you can answer.

You have my deepest sympathies for your troubles.  You say that you are accepting of your illness, but it sounds to me that there are still some issues that you need to address – the estrangement of your sons being the biggest issue.  Although their reaction to the possibility of assisting you with your care is reprehensible, it is not uncommon for children to react this way when put on the spot.  Your sons are still trying to process the idea of losing their mother only a few years after their father’s sudden passing; the thought of having a front-row seat to their mother’s suffering was probably more than they could take at that very moment.

Rather than write your sons out of your will, I suggest that you talk to them first.  Explain to them how hurt you are that they cannot make the time to assist you as needed in order to make your passing a peaceful one.  It is possible that your sons fear they are not up to the challenge of caring for you, and fear failing you during this crucial time.  A combination of at-home nursing assistance for intimate care (bathing, medications) and family-care for more standard assistance (a ride to doctor’s appointments, meal preparation) could work well for all involved as well as give your sons and daughters-in-law the opportunity to be close to you during your final months.  I think this will also allow you to get past your anger and sadness and find the peace you have almost found.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  If you have no one else to leave a bequest, I gladly accept donations!  Mommie's student loan payments are cutting into my snack budget!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Has Regrets, Keeps Going For Her Child

Dear Tazi:

Two years ago I made the worst mistake of my life.  I had been dating a guy for about two months when he lost his job, so I let him move in with me.  I got pregnant almost immediately, so we got engaged.  Since he was out of work I had to buy my own ring, but we did get married before the baby was born.  It was a small wedding, which I paid for, and “Calvin” promised me the large, fancy wedding of my dreams once he found full-time work.  I excused his prolonged unemployment because of the bad economy, and maybe even because I was pregnant and scared. 

I now have a one year old baby who cries all the time and a twenty-seven year old, chronically unemployed husband who drinks.  I would like to kick Calvin out – it would be so easy to just put his stuff out by the curb and change all of the locks – but he has nowhere to go, except for the local homeless shelter.  I make a good living as an RN [Registered Nurse], so I am afraid that if I do kick him out/divorce him I will end up paying Calvin alimony for the rest of his life – money I would much rather be putting in my baby boy’s college fund!

I own my own home; my Mama left it to me when she passed, which was shortly before I met Calvin and probably why I let him move in with me so quickly – I was in mourning and wasn’t thinking straight!  Calvin’s name is not on the house and my attorney friends have told me I would probably not lose it in a divorce, so that is secure, in addition to my job.  I don’t think I would feel any guilt about kicking my baby’s Daddy to the curb with nothing but his name and the clothes on his back, but I am not sure.  I know my boy would be better off without this lazy cur in his life, and I know that when the time comes I would have to explain to my boy exactly what happened to his Daddy; a bridge that I am willing to cross when I come to it.

I thought I was writing for advice, Tazi, but I guess I was just looking for a listening ear.  Could you print my letter as a warning to all the other love-struck girls out there?  If my story can save one woman from making the same mistakes I have made I would be much obliged.

Signed,

Regretting It All…Except for My Baby

Dear Regretting It All…

I am glad that you do not regret your son; no child deserves to grow up feeling unwanted.  The reason he cries all of the time could be because of the stressful atmosphere in your home and his tears are his way of expressing this discomfort.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, should you separate or divorce and depending on how your state’s family court system works, you may end up paying Calvin alimony for a prescribed number of years.  My sources tell me that lifetime alimony is a thing of the past and that the average length of time is now 3 – 5 years – long enough for someone to complete a job-training program.  I realize this represents a large chunk of your income – money that could be saved for your child – so be sure to have your lawyer address this matter if/when you go to court.  You may not have to pay alimony – or you may be ordered to pay a reduced amount – if you choose to exempt Calvin from paying child support.  With regards to your house, it is only safe if you do not live in a state with "community property" laws (your lawyer friends can advise you on this matter).  As for explaining to your son what happened to his Daddy, that day may never come, should Calvin decide to exercise his parental rights to visitation.  These are all things to consider as you ponder your decision to stay married, legally separate, or divorce. 

You sound like an intelligent woman who is working on pulling her life back together after tragedy and the impulse decisions that followed it.  I suggest that you talk to one of your “attorney friends” for advice on how to move forward.  In the meantime, I am printing your letter so other women – and men – can learn from your mistakes.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Cancer Patient Wonders Why Friends Won't Help With "Bucket List"

Dear Tazi:

I have terminal lymphoma, which is cancer of the lymph system. My doctors have given me six months to live, which is something I have accepted. In fact, I consider myself lucky that the cancer I have is not one that will leave me in pain and debilitation. I have refused chemotherapy, which would extend my life by only a few months but rob me of my quality of life. I am at peace with my decision, and ready to do as the Tim McGraw song suggests and live like I was dying. I am receiving SSDI benefits, so I no longer work and have time to spend with my college-aged children. Death must come to us all; and I feel blessed to have such an easy sentence. My only problem is, none of my friends or family seem to have the time for me to do the things I want to do with them.

Every time I suggest we do something that I have always wanted to do - like go rafting, like in the movie Deliverance or try skydiving, they are always too busy. I always offer to pay their way, so it is not a matter of money; I cannot understand why they would turn down the opportunity for adventure with a friend. Short of reminding them that my time is short, how can I change their minds? I don't want to spend the last of my days sitting around waiting for death.

Signed,
Still Living

Dear Still Living:

You may be "still living" but it appears that you no longer have a life. Unlike you, your friends still have to go to work every day, care for their children, and maintain their homes; making their free time a precious commodity. While it is admirable that you are willing to cover the financial cost of the rather pricey activities you wish to try, more than money is involved. A Deliverance style canoe-trip involves a great deal of planning and covers an entire weekend, which is time many wish to spend with their children; plus it can be physically grueling. Even if others are up to the challenge - and they may not be - they may be concerned that that you are not. Others have a fear of heights or falling, and think it crazy to voluntarily jump out of a perfectly good plane.

Rather than trying to plan grand events with your friends, try for smaller events: a night out on the town or a field day in the park. For larger events, a travel agency can hook you up with a touring group that is participating in the things you want to try - like skydiving or canoeing down the Coosawattee. If you seek to make memories with those you love in order to preserve their memories of you, volunteering (alone or as a group) for Habitat for Humanity is a wonderful way to help others and leave a lasting legacy in your community, as is holding a clothing drive for a local charitable organization. Like the Tim McGraw song suggests in addition to grand activities, you can love deeper, speak sweeter, and give forgiveness that you've been denying.

I wish you a peaceful journey.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sibling Who Received In Parents Lifetime Got Surprise Inheritance

Dear Tazi:

I was reading your letter about the man who was taking advantage of his mother’s generosity and it reminded me of my brother (who also liked to hang around the house naked). He is well into his forties and has spent his entire life chronically unemployed. He has had more jobs than he has had years of life, no exaggeration. Because of this, he has never had money to support himself and has never moved out of our parents’ house.

All of my life I have worked hard to support myself, so I resented the fact that my brother was sponging off of my parents. They were not rich, but were comfortable – they owned their own home (mortgage free); had money in the bank; and their investments were doing well. Whenever I brought up the topic of “Steve” to Mom and Dad, they told me not to worry; that the issue was between them and Steve, not me.

Last year, Steve and I lost Mom and Dad. Mom had cancer and went first; Dad had a heart condition, and losing Mom did not help it. He passed away less than six months later. At the reading of Dad’s will, I finally understood what Mom and Dad meant when they told me the issue of Steve was between them and Steve: they had kept track of every expense they covered for him, from car payments and insurance to the room and board he never paid. This information was kept on record with their accountant, and the total amount subtracted from Steve’s half of our inheritance. All Steve got was a 50% interest in our parent’s house; I ended up with their savings and investments, as well as my half of the interest in their house. Steve was livid, but Dad’s will was airtight – there was no way for Steve to fight it.

I am not asking for advice, but wanted to share my story with others so they may see the other side of the story. If it appears that Mom and Dad are favoring one sibling over another, don’t get all worked up over it. There might be a lot more to things that you do not know!

Signed,
Over It

Dear Over It:

I do hope that your parents at least hinted to your brother that the financial assistance he was receiving while they lived would be taken from his inheritance; otherwise, this must have come as a horrible shock to him. I do hope that Steve matures, now that his primary source of income has dried up; but I will not hold my breath waiting for this to happen. I will let your story serve as the “other side” you wish to present.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Needs Comfort, Not Scorn, Over Loss Of Her Adult Son

Dear Tazi:

I am so overwhelmed with grief and anger I do not know where to begin. Please feel free to edit my letter so it makes enough sense to publish, because what wish to say needs to be heard.

I am the mother of a gay son. At least, I was until he passed away from complications of AIDS last summer, at the age of 42. Up until that point I was also an active member of my church, but due to some of the comments I heard people making when they thought I could not hear I left and have not gone back. The words were varied, but the theme was the same: People who die of AIDS get what they deserve for living immoral lifestyles, and are unworthy of the rewards of Heaven or the forgiveness of the Lord.

"Larry" contracted his virus during a careless and promiscuous period in his life, and accepted the fact that his personal behaviors led to his failing health. By the time he passed, he had come terms with his shortened life-span, and welcomed death as a release from the pills and the pain. He was a firm believer in God and I know that I will see him again in Heaven someday. For him, death was not a punishment. However, for those of us left behind, it is a wound that will never heal. I would like to make that point clear to those who would judge others. Those who they judge do not have to hear the hateful words being spewed. It is the survivors who suffer.

Thank you for letting me have my say, Tazi.

Signed,
Missing My Boy

Dear Missing My Boy:

Your letter is both poignant and sincerely heartfelt, and I have printed it exactly as you wrote it. You have my deepest sympathies on your loss. In this day and age, there are few who have not witnessed or known someone who has had their lives touched by the specter of HIV/AIDS and the destruction it wreaks on individuals, families, and communities. You have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your son - and on the loss of your church community. I pray that it was only an ignorant few who felt the need to judge your son so, and not the voice of an entire faith community.

You are correct in saying "those who they judge do not have to hear the hateful words being spewed. It is the survivors who suffer" and it is my hope that all people will heed this thought the next time they seek to judge one who has passed. As for being "unworthy of the...forgiveness of the Lord", I would say that is not their decision to make.

Snuggles,
Tazi

I would like to dedicate today's column to the memory of a special friend of my Mommie. 831, JH. --TK

Death Put The Brakes On The Divorce, Widow Now Wants To Date

Dear Tazi:

My marriage was positively miserable for all but a few years. Now that the last of my children is grown and has graduated college, I was planning on leaving their father – I even had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to be delivered – when he took a big, fat heart attack and died. I cannot say that I am saddened by his passing because I am saved the trouble of going through with a divorce and have gained the sympathy and respect of my community as a widow.

My problem is that now that I’m free I would like to start dating. I don’t have anyone in mind, but was considering one of those Internet dating sites or singles mingles. What is an appropriate time for me to wait before jumping back in to the dating world? I would hate to scandalize my children, who thought my marriage to their father was one for the ages, but at the same time I am ready to enjoy my freedom!

Signed,
Just Call Me Scarlett

Dear Just Call me Scarlett:

Depending on where you live and the culture in which you were raised a person’s time of mourning can vary greatly. My community is heavy to the Italian culture, where it seems that a woman mourns her late husband for the rest of her life. In large urban areas, such as New York or Los Angeles, less weight is put upon propriety and more consideration is given for personal fulfillment, meaning a period of mourning lasts as long as you feel it should.

My personal view on an appropriate mourning period is a year and a day. This allows you to live through all of the days/dates that were important to your marriage at least once, and gives you the chance to experience them by yourself; the extra day is so you do not start dating on the anniversary of your spouse’s death. That’s just tacky. I realize your marriage was not the greatest, but often times we do not realize what we have until it is gone. Your first wedding anniversary without your husband; your first holiday season; your first family tradition without him present will be a time of adjustment for all – especially your children; out of respect for them and their need to mourn, allow for time to provide a healthy distance between their father’s passing and the introduction to Mom the Swinging Single.

I am not saying you need to live like a mourning dove for the next 366 days. By all means, get out there and enjoy life! Discover a new hobby or indulge in an old one; take lessons to learn a new skill; join a book discussion club through your local library or book store; take a class at the community college – in other words, live like you were dying. All of this will help you to rediscover your sense of self as you adjust to being a single/widowed woman, help you to meet new friends and cultivate relationships, and maybe even meet potential romantic partners. Nurturing your soul will not only help you heal from your years of misery, it will help your children adjust to the idea that Mom is a person in her own right, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Widowed Gentleman Wonders If He Is Leading Her On...

Dear Tazi:

I am fiftysomething years old, in good physical shape, attractive, financially secure, and widowed. My beloved wife of almost thirty years died of breast cancer two years ago and although I am ready to move forward with my life, I am not ready to move on from her memory. What I am saying is, I am not looking to date.

I realize my “Just for Men” model looks and my financial portfolio, as well as my manners, put a large bulls-eye on me for women seeking a husband, but I am simply not ready to walk that path.


Over the past several months I have been volunteering with different breast cancer awareness events in my community, working in memory of my late wife and hoping to meet people who will understand my loss. I have been asked out by many breast cancer survivors, all of whom I have politely refused, explaining that I am simply not ready for a romantic companion. Some women have taken it well, others not so much. There is one woman in particular who refuses to take no for an answer.

“Brianna” is a woman who is young enough to be my daughter; she is constantly asking me to join her for coffee or bringing me coffee and asking me to take a coffee break with her. Although I can refuse to join her for coffee it seems rude to turn down a coffee that she has brought me. I do, however, refuse to stop working to take a coffee break, explaining to her that the cause depends on my commitment to it.

I was recently told by a few of the women with whom I volunteer that I am leading Brianna on by accepting the hot coffee that she has purchased for me; that I am only encouraging her behavior and inflating her hopes that one day soon I will accept her offer for a coffee “date”. Tazi, this was never my intention in accepting the coffee that Brianna had purchased for me. I thought I was only being a gentleman in accepting a hot beverage that had been prepared to my liking. Have I done something wrong? Have I led this young woman to believe there could be something more between us? Or have I behaved appropriately. So much has changed since I was last considered an eligible bachelor; I want to make certain I have not committed an egregious error in judgment.

Signed,
Mr. Widower

Dear Mr. Widower:

You sound like a charming gentleman! I can see why all the single ladies are after you! The fact that Brianna is aggressive to a fault is no fault of yours; your accepting a coffee that she has already bought and paid for is not the same as accepting her offer to buy you a coffee. If you are uncomfortable accepting coffee from Brianna, knowing how she feels about you, you can offer to pay for the beverage the next time she brings you one. This should make it clear to even the most blinded by affection that you are not interested in her, and are not wavering on your disinterested stance.

Much has changed in the dating world over the past thirty years, but the rules of etiquette never go out of style. Continue to be the gentleman you have always been and in time, should you be ready to start dating again, you will find no shortage of ladies who appreciate a fine gentleman such as yourself!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 3: Must Man Choose Between Mother And Girlfriend?

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a wonderful woman named "Lorelei" for almost two years now. Since I lost everything in a horrible divorce a few decades ago I have been gun-shy about marriage, since I have worked very hard to rebuild my life. I now own my own home, have a car with no payment, and have healthy savings and retirement accounts, as well as a few blue chip investments. I would hate to lose all of this in a second divorce (and have to start over again in my fifties!) so I have stipulated that I will not marry a woman until I have lived with her for at least a year.

After Lorelei and I were dating for a full year, I asked her to move in with me. Her reasons for saying no were valid (she feels that the first year of a relationship is always the easiest) and wanted to wait for another year to pass so we could get to know each other "with our masks off". I had to laugh, because up until that point I didn't realize how much of ourselves we censored from each other - at that point, I had never farted in front of Lorelei, kept a lit candle in the bathroom whenever I knew she would be coming over, made sure the bed was made and the sheets freshly washed...all stuff I generally overlook when I am around the guys.

Now that the two year mark is approaching I have once again asked Lorelei to move in with me, and she has said yes - on the condition that we are engaged and have a tentative wedding date in mind to work toward. She has told me she does not wish to sell or lease her house long-term and combine our finances unless she knows that she will not be out of house and home should things not work between us. I hadn't thought of things this way before, and realized how self-centered I was being. After speaking with my attorney and financial planner I had paperwork drawn up that will protect both of our interests, and Lorelei has read and agreed sign them after her lawyer reviewed them. Wow, three paragraphs and I still haven't told you my problem!

Lorelei has decided to lease her house with the option for the lessee to buy after two years. She is currently looking for a tenant before making our move, the only thing that is delaying us. Last month, my father passed away after a short but terminal illness. My mother is now looking to move in with me so she does not have to live alone. Mom is in excellent health and does not need someone to look after her - but if she did, she has her choice of my six other siblings, all who live nearby! Five of my siblings are married, and Mom has said she does not want to live somewhere where she will not be "the woman of the house", which rules out all but my youngest brother who is 28 and not married. "Joe" lives on his own and has offered to give up his apartment and move in with Mom to keep her company, help with expenses (the house is paid for, but there are always bills and repairs), and see after her. Mom has refused this offer, saying that Joe is old enough to be on his own and that she will not have him moving home with her! Joe cannot afford to buy his own home - even with Mom's help - so this idea is out, too.

I suppose I have detailed the problem enough for you to figure out what it is, but let me spell it out anyway: If my mother moves in with me, Lorelei will not...and I can't say I blame her. What woman would want to give up her own home to be subservient to another woman of the house? We have talked about renting/selling my house and moving into Lorelei's, but my house is larger and more conveniently located to both of our jobs, and because I live just over the border in a different state my property taxes are a lot lower than hers, as are my income taxes. We have considered selling both houses and buying something that will be "ours" but that would take even more time in this difficult economy. What the heck do I do? Do I have to choose between my mother and my girlfriend?

Signed,
What Would Dad Do?

Dear What Would Dad Do?

It is obvious from your signature that you are deeply mourning the loss of your father; to be thrown into this new situation makes life all the more difficult. I ran your letter by a friend who happens to be a social worker, and she suggested that you and your mother not make any unplanned, major life decisions for the first year. Since you and Lorelei had already planned on moving in together, you could go forward with this plan, or you may wish to hold off - it all depends on how you feel. How supportive of you was she during your father's illness? How emotionally supportive of you is she now that your father has passed and you are adjusting to life without the man whose opinions and guidance you still seek? The answers to these questions will help you decide what to do about living with Lorelei or holding off for a while - even if it is not for a whole year.

You should tell your mother that making a major move within the first year of a spouse's passing is a bad idea. On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, death of a spouse rates 100 points - the highest stress level one event can score. Divorce comes in a distant second at 50 points. (Click here to check your stress!). Moving into a new home will only further that stress. Point out to your mother that although you currently live alone, plans to move in with Lorelei in the very near future were all but finalized when your father passed and that those plans, although slightly delayed, are not subject to change. Stress that this means she will not be "the woman of the house" at your house; that Lorelei will be the woman of the house and that perhaps your brother Joe's offer would be worth a second look.

Whatever you do, do not make your mother not moving in about your desire to live with Lorelei but rather about your desire to have control over your own life. Remember that you did not invite your mother to come live with you - she invited herself. If your mother is still adamant about not living alone (one year later or not) and refuses to live with your brother, might it be worth suggesting she sell her house and buy a condo in a senior living community? Most people who do this find that they love it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I find that letters from men do tend to give a lot of background information before directly stating the problem. I have yet to figure out whether this is a desire to be thorough and communicate well or a desire to avoid getting to the issue.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Loss Of Lifelong Best Friend Makes Woman Question Mourners Motives

Dear Tazi:

A friend of mine recently passed away and I am grieving her deeply. My problem is that her children, who are also grieving her, seek to lean on me in their grief so that we can "mourn together". "Josephine" was my oldest, dearest friend and as a sister to me. We were each other's honor maid/matron in our wedding parties and never did a week go by without one of us calling the other or visiting - if only for a few minutes. Our friendship spanned over 50 years and her unexpected passing feels all too untimely to me.

Josephine's children are all grown with families of their own, and over the last ten years or so they had drifted away from their mother, as children will do once they have lives of their own. Because of busy schedules - theirs and their children's - Josephine's children rarely came to see her; it was she who made the effort to attend her grandchildren's soccer games, ballet recitals, and band concerts. Josephine hosted every holiday celebration, partly out of tradition and partly because her daughters/daughters-in-law would insist on limiting the guest list so as not to have to cook a huge feast for 20 - 30 people. Josephine's table was open to all who wished to celebrate with her - family and friends.

I cannot help but feel upset and a little angry that her children - who did not appreciate their mother enough to make time for her when she was alive - suddenly want to put on a huge show of love now that she is gone. One of Josephine's daughters even asked me if I could "help" her put together a big family Christmas like her mother always did, in memory of her mother, claiming she didn't have the first clue of where to start! One of Josephine's sons has told me that I am the closest link he has to his mother, and could I please consider sitting in her place at his daughter's ballet recital next month. I have never been asked to attend one before, and I have a feeling that neither parent will be attending; that they are looking for a free babysitter.

Can you think of any way that I can push Josephine's children back a step or two to allow me to grieve my loss in peace? I understand that they are grieving, too, but I fear it is for all the wrong reasons.

Signed,
At A Loss In More Ways Than One

Dear At A Loss In More Ways than One:

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your best friend. Such a long-lived and close friendship is a gift that you obviously treasured and do not wish to see tainted by the advance of the fair-weather friends that remain. You do not mention how close Josephine's children were to you when they were younger; just that they moved on with their lives and from their mother as they got older. I do not doubt they are mourning the loss of their dear mother; are you certain that they seek to use you to take over the responsibilities she once handled? Is it possible that you are misreading their intentions? Could it be that in their guilt over neglecting their late mother they are reaching out to the one who was most connected to her?

Beautiful, but a lot of work - especially for a working Mom!

I would suggest that right now you strike a balance between giving Josephine's children the benefit of the doubt and maintaining the distance you need to comfortably mourn your loss. If you are not at ease with the idea of helping to plan a big holiday dinner with Josephine's children, tell them that. I am sure you have family of your own to attend to during this time. Might you invite Josephine's children and grandchildren over for coffee and dessert after their Christmas dinner? With regard to attending a child's ballet recital, how close are you to this particular child? Would seeing you there in the audience bring her a swell of happiness or would you simply be another face in the crowd? Each of these requests needs to be taken on an individual basis, and carefully considered. If it is something you feel would help to ease your pain and/or strengthen existing ties, go for it. If not, you are well within your rights to politely decline all offers.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Old Diaries A Treasure Trove Of Historical - And Personal - Information

Dear Mr. Tazi:

My mother passed away a few months ago after a long illness, and my sister and I have finally brought ourselves to the point where we can go through her house and pack stuff up and throw stuff out. While going through Mama’s personal effects we found that she kept diaries over the years. It appears that she would fill one and then put it away in a box before starting another, which she would keep in her bedside drawer.

Mama’s diaries are not the journal style blank books that you find at the bookstore, but old-fashioned lock and key type deals. The locks could easily be broken if we could not find the key, and my sister and I are having a discussion over whether or not we should even look for the key or just destroy the diaries unread.

My sister and I are both wavering between the idea of reading Mama’s diaries and burning them. I was thinking if we find the key we should read them, but only if we come across the key naturally. My sister thinks we should make an effort to look for the key and if we can’t find it that will be a sign from Mama that we should let her diaries alone. I would love to know my Mama’s personal thoughts and history; I think it would help to fill the hole that has been left by her passing, but at the same time I am a little afraid of what I might read and more than a little afraid that I would feel guilty about disturbing Mama’s privacy, even though she is gone from this earth. What do you think we should do, Mr. Tazi?

Signed,

Mama’s Girls

Dear mama’s Girls:

My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear mother; it sounds like you were both very close to her, and your pain must be quite deep. I can see why you would want to read your Mama’s diaries in order to feel closer to her, and you are wise to remember that these diaries are full of her private, uncensored thoughts.

Because your Mama’s diaries are the kinds that lock I am hesitant to suggest you plunge into them; you may read some things that she revealed in her diary in order to get them off of her chest  and keep her temper with you and your sister – especially in the diaries from your teenage years! On the other hand, your Mama’s illness was a long one and if she wanted her diaries destroyed before her passing she had the time to see to it.

This doesn't look like a difficult lock...

The fact that your Mama kept these diaries – and kept them neatly organized in one box – tells me that perhaps these diaries were meant to be found. I do not suggest that you spend your time looking for the keys to these secured books – that might be like looking for a needle in a haystack – but if you do find them you might want to look for the oldest of the diaries first and work your way forward. If you are lucky you will find diaries from when your mother was a teenager, from when she and your father were courting, her early married life and life as a new mother, right up until the last days of her illness. Read them slowly, and try to picture the things your Mama was describing, imagining what her life was like. This will be a small but wonderful tribute to your Mama.

Should you come across details that you are embarrassed to read, skip over them and allow your Mama to keep those private memories private; if you read something that upsets you remember that even Mama’s have bad days, and that the things she wrote were the things she chose not to say because she knew that if spoken those words would hurt the ones she loved.

If you cannot find the keys to these diaries in the natural course of cleaning out your Mama’s house, let things be and do not try to force the locks of the books; in time, if you are meant to know their contents, the keys will show themselves. If, after a reasonable amount of time,  the keys never show you should do what you and your sister feel most comfortable doing – putting the books on a shelf as a decorative reminder of your Mama, leaving them in storage for another generation to find, or simply burning them. I would not throw them away in the trash, though; somehow that just feels wrong and disrespectful.

Snuggles,

Mr. Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Lying To A Child About Death Is Not A Good Idea

Dear Tazi:

My little sister is the product of a second marriage, so there is a large age difference between us (about 15 years). I love her dearly, and wanrt to protect her from life's little sadnesses that seem to devastate children.

"Lola" is five years old and has a pet goldfish. Lola loves her goldfish like most children love their pets - heart and soul! Goldfish do not live that long, so I am afraid that Lola's pet has a shelf life of less that six months at this point. Our grandfather recently died and Lola did not take it well at all. She has had nightmares and is concerned that everyone she loves is going to die, too - including her beloved pet fish.

Should Lola's fish die, I am considering replacing the fish before she notices (I am the one who feeds it and cares for it; she just enjoys it). I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, though. If I were to go through with my plan, I would tell nobody - once you share a secret it is no longer a secret! I am just afraid that maybe Lola will be able to tell the difference between her fish and the replacement fish. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill, as my Grandpa always said I did?

Signed,
Big Sis

Dear Big Sis:

The love you show for Lola is a beautiful thing, and your desire to protect her at this vulnerable time in her life is commendable, but I do not think you should deny Lola the opportunity to grieve her losses. So often when we try to shield children from pain we end up leaving them unable to develop emotionally.

Lola's reaction to the passing of your Grandpa is not unusual in young children, especially if the death was unexpected and the child close to the loved one who passed. Rather than cross a bridge that has yet to appear on the horizon, I think you should try to work through the difficulties Lola is currently facing.

While children do not always benefit from counseling, counseling is not always necessary. I suggest instead that you try to spend time with Lola one on one, and when she feels ready to talk about her fears and stresses, gently respond. Do not push away her concerns by telling her they will not happen because in her mind they can - and will, which is why she is so stressed. Instead, validate Lola's feelings by telling her that you are sad, too, so you understand how she feels and that it is okay to feel scared and alone but that she is not; let her know that she has you and her mother and father who love her and want to be there with her to see her grow up. If your Grandpa's death was due to illness, explain this to Lola in terms she can understand and grasp. If you are religious, explain the concept of Heaven to her. You have my deepest sympathies on your loss.

To answer your question about buying Lola a new fish, I would not recommend this - you will only be putting off the inevitable and giving the girl false hope that future fish will have an equally long life-span, leading to a charade that will have to be repeated until Lola is old enough to catch on - and then you really will have a mountain to overcome instead of just a molehill.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Widow Wants To Date Again, Mother-In-Law Says "No"

Dear Tazi:

Two years ago I was widowed when my husband was killed in a car accident. Our marriage was not the best, but I stayed because of my love for his family. My in-laws are wonderful people who made all the difference in my difficult marriage. When my husband died, my mother-in-law was devastated at the loss of her eldest son, and our bond grew stronger as we grieved together. I truly thought we had a solid relationship that would weather any storm.

Tazi, as I mentioned it has been two years since "Fred" has passed. I would like to start dating again, and have mentioned this to a few close friends in the hope that they might know someone I would like to meet. I am not ready to join a dating site or go to any singles events; I would like to slowly enter the dating world, which is why I would like to go through mutual friends. I thought this was the respectful way to jump back into the dating pool, but even this doggy-paddle is too much for my mother-in-law to handle.

When I told Mom that a friend was planning on introducing me to one of her friends (the three of us plus another couple were going to go bowling) she did not take it well. She looked at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and asked me if I had "forgotten Fred already". I hugged her and told her that I will never forget my husband, but that I need to move ahead with my life. I told Mom that Fred would not want me to spend my entire life grieving for him, but Mom disagreed! She reminded me that Fred could be very jealous (which was one of the issues in our marriage) and said that he would not approve of me starting over with another man. Ever.

Tazi, I am only 32 years old, and do not want to spend my life alone! I would like to meet someone and even remarry and start a family someday, something Fred and I wanted to do when we reached our thirties.  I do not want to destroy the relationship I have with my mother-in-law. Fred's brothers are all very understanding, and have even encouraged me to try dating, so I don't think it is too soon to start. I don't want to hurt Mom, but I don't want to appease her at the expense of my future, either. How do you suggest I handle this?

Signed,
Widowed Wilma

Dear Widowed Wilma:

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. You do not mention for how long you were married or for how long you had been together, but thirty is far too young to have to go through the pain of losing a spouse. It is also far to young to be expected to spend your remaining years alone.

People grieve differently. For some, the pain of losing their spouse never goes away and they choose to remain single for the rest of their lives. For others, the time it takes to move forward varies from a few months to several years. Notice that I said "move forward", not "move on"; there is a difference between the two - in moving forward you are pushing ahead with your life, even as the memory of your late husband stays with you; to move on would be to leave his memory in your past. Someone needs to explain these facts to your mother-in-law, although I do not believe that someone should be you.

If one of your supportive brothers-in-law is up to the task, he should talk to his mother about the situation - as her son, as a brother who is still grieving, and as a brother-in-law who still has your best interests at heart. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that you are not looking to replace your late husband, but rather that he made a man's companionship so worthwhile that you find yourself missing having someone in your life. Think about it...if your experience with courtship and marriage was pure Hell, would you seek to repeat the experience?

Your mother-in-law may also have fears that she is not voicing. She could be afraid that you will meet someone new, re-marry, and forget all about her as you bond with your new mother-in-law! To lose a loving daughter-in-law as well as a son would be a burden no mother-in-law should have to bear. Please keep this in mind, as well, as you forge ahead in life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Loss Of Pet Leaves A Hole; New Pet Is Not A Replacement

Dear Tazi,

My cat “Indiana” had to be put down this past September, after 18 years of life. I’d had Indiana since he was a kitten; I loved that cat more than anything. My seven year old daughter – who I have custody of part-time – was also upset over Indiana’s death, which is why my girlfriend went out and bought me a new kitten for Christmas.

My daughter loves “Sadie”, and I have to admit that she is a cute kitten, but I am just not ready for a new cat, and I am afraid that it is showing. Try as I might, I just can’t bond with this new kitten. Indiana was a man’s cat; he was a total [tough guy]. Sadie is gentle when she plays – great for my daughter, but hardly a good replacement for Indiana.

I don’t want to insult my girlfriend or upset my daughter by getting rid of Sadie, but I just can’t bond with her like I did Indiana. I am just not ready to start over without my main man, Indiana. You’re a cat. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do here? I feel badly. Sadie is just a kitten and always looks like she can’t understand why I don’t love her like everyone else.

Signed,

Hoosier

Dear Hoosier:

The loss of a pet is an inconsolable one, yet you have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your beloved cat. I have always said that until you have owned a pet you have not known unconditional love. Your Indiana sounds a lot like my predecessor, Koko Kat, who was also a [tough guy]; in fact, his nickname was Bad A--. Koko ran off after coming out on the winning end of a tangle with something large and dangerous, but he was missing for several weeks, during which time my Mommie looked for him every day – all through the neighborhood and at the animal shelter – which is where she saw and fell in love with me.

Like you, Mommie did not wish to adopt another cat (even me); she wanted her original cat back! Then, she realized that I was not a replacement of her Koko Kat; I would not replace the memories she had of Koko, rather, I would bring her new memories all our own, of just her and me. Different does not necessarily mean better – or worse; just unique. My personality is the polar opposite of Koko Kat, who chose to return to his pre-adoptive feral ways. Mommie does not love me more or less than she does Koko – just differently. If you were to have another child, would you love him/her more or less than your first? Of course not; you would love them the same amount, just in different ways.

I suggest that you give little Sadie a chance to be her own self – not a shadow of Indiana or a replacement of him, either, but a kitten with her own personality. Try to think of her as an additional cat in your life, not one that is a replacement for the cat you lost. Get to know Sadie by playing with her, offering her a cuddle, and cleaning her litter-box. She may never be the rough and tumble cat that Indiana was, but unlike dogs a kitten’s personality does not always reflect the cat she will become!

If, in the end, you simply cannot bond with Sadie please do not send her to a shelter; try to find her a home with friends or family or even your girlfriend, which would allow your daughter to still see her, or find a good home for her with someone who will love and cherish her. It is unfair, but kittens more than six months old are not adopted very quickly – people want a baby kitten, not a half grown one, and sending Sadie to the shelter may mean that is where she is to live out her days.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband's Alleged Affair Revealed Post-Passing

Dear Tazi:

My husband of fifty years passed away this past September.  Our marriage was not a spectacular one, but I thought we had a mutual respect for each other and the vows we once took.  About a month after "George's" passing, a woman knocked on my door during Sunday dinner.  She seemed pleased that my children and grandchildren were gathered around the table, and told us she had an announcement to make: that she and George had been "involved" with each other for over two decades - she she had been a young intern at the company where he worked - and that she had only just learned of his passing.  She informed us that he had promised her certain accommodations upon his death and that she would appreciate if we would hear them out.

Tazi, I was too shocked to say or do anything, but thankfully my children were not.  My eldest son took the lead and told her that she was not welcome in our home with her outrageous claims and to leave and not come back.  My afternoon was ruined, and I retired to my bedroom as my children cleaned up from dinner.  Since that incident, I have been going through George's personal effects, looking for proof of an affair.  I figure one that lasted as long as this woman claimed would leave some sort of evidence, but there is none; no photographs, cards or letters, emails,or tokens of affection.  My children assured me that their father was a faithful man, and that this woman was probably just a scam artist.

I have started to feel a little better about this whole situation and am working on moving forward with my life, but this woman contacted me again this week.  George's will is in probate, and the proper channels have been taken, including the advertisements in the legal section of the paper.  The woman who claims to have been George's paramour has told me that she will be making a claim against the will, unless I wish to avoid the public humiliation of George's infidelity and come to a private accord with her and give her all that George promised.  She did not specify what she sought, so I told her I would need to think things through first.

Tazi, my children tell me that I should call the police and report this woman for blackmail. but I am afraid if I take the issue public it will only tarnish the memories people have of George and of our marriage.  I am considering hearing this woman out and seeing what it is she wants before making my next move, but my children tell me this is a bad idea; that this woman seems manipulative and that I would be playing into her hands.

Please respond to my letter as soon as possible, Tazi, before my choices are made for me.

Signed,
Cuckolded?

Dear Cuckolded?

There are some low-down, dirty, rotten scoundrels out there who prey on those they think are too addled to think straight.  After the death of a spouse, many who are left behind become the victim of these louses; do not let yourself become one, too.

When a person dies, their obituary is generally full of personal information - including where they worked for any length of time; their hobbies; and other personal details, which could be how this woman knew where your husband worked and how she concocted her story.  In order to make any kind of claim against a person's estate, said claimant needs to have written proof of debts or other promises to pay or bequeath property.  From the sound of her behavior, I doubt that this "other woman" has any of that.

Before getting the police involved, which would make the entire sordid situation public, I suggest you call this woman's bluff and ask her what proof of claim she has against your husband's estate.  Since she has not been forthcoming over what your husband allegedly promised to her, it seems to me that she does not know exactly what assets he left behind; that she is waiting for you to reveal what properties or accounts your husband held so she can make claim on them.  I do not believe that this woman will be able to produce a single scrap of paper legally detailing what George left her, nor will she be able to offer an accurate verbal assessment.  Without legal proof of a claim, she has no way of making a claim against your husband's estate. If you decided to get the police involved at this point, that is your decision alone.

Sadly, you must also face the slim possibility that this woman is telling the truth.  If that is the case, she still has no legitimate claim to your husband's estate (no rings = no things), but I would suggest that you employ the services of a grief counselor to help you sort through everything.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Cheating Husband Died Happy, Leaving Widow Happy; Mistress Feeling Guilty - And Grabby!

Dear Tazi:

Last year, my husband of 40 years died suddenly of a heart attack. The public story is that I came home and found him laying across our bed, lifeless and clutching his chest. This is more or less the truth, but it is not the whole truth. The whole truth is that my husband was a lying, cheating S.O.B. who was never faithful a day in our marriage. I happened to come home early from a spa day because I was not feeling well, and I caught him in bed with our granddaughter's pretty, young kick-boxing instructor. What happened next is what has me troubled:

"Shari", the kickboxing instructor, screamed and tried to push "Wayne" off of her, which startled Wayne. The shock from Shari's screaming and me walking in on them - combined with Wayne's heart condition - were more than the old bastard's ticker could take, and it conked out on him. Needless to say, some very awkward moments followed as the paramedics that were called to our home came accompanied by the police, and Shari and I were both interviewed for details. My granddaughter has since found a new kickboxing instructor, and I have found the peace of mind that I never knew while married.

The anniversary of my husband's death is approaching, and Shari has contacted me regarding Wayne's death. She feels that she may somehow have contributed to his heart attack by pushing him off of her, maybe shoving him a little too hard, and in turn causing his fatal heart attack. Personally, I think she is full of guilt and nothing more; but what if she is right? Am I somehow in collusion with covering up an unlawful death if I do not report this? I do not wish to drag my late husband - and my family - through the mud with scandal; but nor do I wish to be part of a conspiracy surrounding my husband's sudden death. When I told Shari this, she said she would keep quiet about it for a "share" of my late husband's estate (a considerable sum). To buy some time, I told her I would think about it; but I will not be blackmailed!

Incidentally, because my husband died unexpectedly at home, an autopsy was done and the Medical Examiner ruled the cause of death to be "natural". I know that Wayne was always forgetting to take his heart medication, plus he was at least 50 pounds overweight and his doctor had warned him that he was cheating death; which is why I tend to believe the Medical Examiner and suspect that Shari is overreacting.

Signed,
Hardly Grieving

Dear Hardly Grieving:

I ran your question by a retired police officer turned attorney, who informed me that if the Medical Examiner suspected foul play s/he would have noted it in the autopsy report. Because bodies are examined as-is at the scene and in-depth during the autopsy procedure, it was obvious to all in charge that Wayne did not die in his sleep, in spite of the fact that he died in bed. A shove to the chest hard enough to incite a heart attack would leave bruising on the torso, something that would also be noted in an autopsy report and investigated by the police - at the scene of the crime, and afterwards.

According to the Rhode Island Medical Examiner's Office (the state in which I am based), the Medical Examiner determines the cause of death in any suspicious death, which is defined as a death occurring outside of a medical facility or when the deceased was not receiving medical care for a long-term health issue. Medical Examiners also determine the type of death (homicide, suicide, accidental, natural, or undetermined) and document any injuries found on the body, determining whether they are pre or post-mortem.

Now, this is Tazi talking: You give the authorities and the Medical Examiner too little credit in their ability to do their jobs properly. You do not mention Wayne's age, but after 40 years of marriage I think it is safe to assume that he was in his sixties or older. Age, combined with a heart condition, a poor track-record for taking his medication, strenuous activity (which is something sex can be considered), extra weight around the middle (which is where men tend to carry it), and the shock of having your wife walk in on you as you are trying to please a "pretty, young kickboxing instructor" all make for the perfect storm that can stress the heart to the breaking point; especially if one was at high risk for heart attack, as your late husband was.

Since an autopsy required in spite of the fact that your husband was under a doctor's care, the idea of foul-play may have already been considered and dismissed. As the Medical Examiner's report did not mention bruising, you may want to contact a private Medical Examiner for a second opinion and a review of the original Medical Examiner's report, informing the original Medical Examiner of your actions and explaining the situation, and offer permission for the two Medical Examiners to discuss the matter. If the private Medical Examiner agrees that a lack of bruising shows a lack of force strong enough to incite a heart attack, I would allow the matter to rest. If, however, there is any question in the matter you have an obligation to report this information to the proper authorities as soon as possible - or else you just might be in conspiracy in keeping secret the true manner of your husband's death. I would also report Shari's attempt to blackmail you. I wish you luck.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Considering his age and physique, your late husband must have had quite a large wallet if he was able to attract a pretty, young kickboxing instructor!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.