Death Put The Brakes On The Divorce, Widow Now Wants To Date

Dear Tazi:

My marriage was positively miserable for all but a few years. Now that the last of my children is grown and has graduated college, I was planning on leaving their father – I even had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to be delivered – when he took a big, fat heart attack and died. I cannot say that I am saddened by his passing because I am saved the trouble of going through with a divorce and have gained the sympathy and respect of my community as a widow.

My problem is that now that I’m free I would like to start dating. I don’t have anyone in mind, but was considering one of those Internet dating sites or singles mingles. What is an appropriate time for me to wait before jumping back in to the dating world? I would hate to scandalize my children, who thought my marriage to their father was one for the ages, but at the same time I am ready to enjoy my freedom!

Signed,
Just Call Me Scarlett

Dear Just Call me Scarlett:

Depending on where you live and the culture in which you were raised a person’s time of mourning can vary greatly. My community is heavy to the Italian culture, where it seems that a woman mourns her late husband for the rest of her life. In large urban areas, such as New York or Los Angeles, less weight is put upon propriety and more consideration is given for personal fulfillment, meaning a period of mourning lasts as long as you feel it should.

My personal view on an appropriate mourning period is a year and a day. This allows you to live through all of the days/dates that were important to your marriage at least once, and gives you the chance to experience them by yourself; the extra day is so you do not start dating on the anniversary of your spouse’s death. That’s just tacky. I realize your marriage was not the greatest, but often times we do not realize what we have until it is gone. Your first wedding anniversary without your husband; your first holiday season; your first family tradition without him present will be a time of adjustment for all – especially your children; out of respect for them and their need to mourn, allow for time to provide a healthy distance between their father’s passing and the introduction to Mom the Swinging Single.

I am not saying you need to live like a mourning dove for the next 366 days. By all means, get out there and enjoy life! Discover a new hobby or indulge in an old one; take lessons to learn a new skill; join a book discussion club through your local library or book store; take a class at the community college – in other words, live like you were dying. All of this will help you to rediscover your sense of self as you adjust to being a single/widowed woman, help you to meet new friends and cultivate relationships, and maybe even meet potential romantic partners. Nurturing your soul will not only help you heal from your years of misery, it will help your children adjust to the idea that Mom is a person in her own right, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes, The Past Must Remain There

Dear Tazi:

Ten years ago our beautiful daughter "Denise"was murdered.  Her case remains unsolved.  Our daughter was raised in a good Christian home, and she was given all the advantages she needed to get ahead in the world, but when she turned 18 she also turned her back on all of that and started hanging out with the wrong crowd.

At first the police believed Denise's death was drug related, but her autopsy showed no evidence of drug use; there were no further leads, few suspects, and the case went cold fast.  She became just another black youth who fell victim to the streets.  My husband and I were understandably inconsolable - and furious: at the world; at ourselves for somehow failing her; at the police for not finding evidence as to who killed Denise.

At first, all suspected her boyfriend - a seedy, older man who smoked and drank and was rumored to be violent, but he swears he was "on a three day bender" when Denise was killed.  He had no one to witness his alibi, and was the prime suspect but there was no evidence against him.  He has since cleaned up his act, found God, and works as a volunteer for the Church.  He feels guilty that he was unable to save Denise, and we have accepted his pleas for our forgiveness.  We realize that he did nothing wrong.

As you can see, we have all tried moving forward with our lives.  The pain of losing our daughter will never cease for my husband and I, but it does change.  Like an old wound, scars remain and some days the pain is more noticeable than others, but it is nothing like the raw wound it was when we first lost our daughter.

Now that ten years have passed, her high school class is having a reunion and would like us to attend to witness a short memorial to Denise (she was very popular in high school).  My husband and I would like to politely refuse.  We would also like to ask that the planners refrain from having a memorial.  The time for that was ten years ago.  We are happy that people remember her for the wonderful young woman Denise was, and we would like that memory to remain.  We fear a memorial will simply bring up the details of our daughter's killing - they are gruesome - and replace the memories that people have of her.  We do not want the old wounds torn open.

I have written to several advice columnists on this issue, Tazi, but none have responded.  Could you please respond?  The reunion - and memorial - quickly approaches!

Sincerely,
Grieving Parents

Dear Grieving Parents:

You have my utmost sympathies on the loss of your daughter; your pain and grief are unimaginable, so it is completely understandable that you do not wish to attend an even that would tear open your wounds.  I am hoping that I have printed your letter in time for you to show it to the planners of the reunion and memorial.  I realize how much fortitude it must have taken to write your letter; speaking such sentiments may prove to be too much.

I suggest that you enclose a copy of your letter in with a note to the planners of your daughter's reunion, asking them to understand your feelings on the issue.  Sometimes, people do not consider the harm that they may be doing when they try to attempt something good.  Although you cannot prevent Denise's former classmates from holding a small memorial if that is their wish, you do not have to attend it.  It is my hope that they will honor your wishes, and instead place a small table off to the side, with the pictures of all from the class who have passed - including your daughter - with a small "We Remember..." sign.

Extra Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.