Woman Has Regrets, Keeps Going For Her Child

Dear Tazi:

Two years ago I made the worst mistake of my life.  I had been dating a guy for about two months when he lost his job, so I let him move in with me.  I got pregnant almost immediately, so we got engaged.  Since he was out of work I had to buy my own ring, but we did get married before the baby was born.  It was a small wedding, which I paid for, and “Calvin” promised me the large, fancy wedding of my dreams once he found full-time work.  I excused his prolonged unemployment because of the bad economy, and maybe even because I was pregnant and scared. 

I now have a one year old baby who cries all the time and a twenty-seven year old, chronically unemployed husband who drinks.  I would like to kick Calvin out – it would be so easy to just put his stuff out by the curb and change all of the locks – but he has nowhere to go, except for the local homeless shelter.  I make a good living as an RN [Registered Nurse], so I am afraid that if I do kick him out/divorce him I will end up paying Calvin alimony for the rest of his life – money I would much rather be putting in my baby boy’s college fund!

I own my own home; my Mama left it to me when she passed, which was shortly before I met Calvin and probably why I let him move in with me so quickly – I was in mourning and wasn’t thinking straight!  Calvin’s name is not on the house and my attorney friends have told me I would probably not lose it in a divorce, so that is secure, in addition to my job.  I don’t think I would feel any guilt about kicking my baby’s Daddy to the curb with nothing but his name and the clothes on his back, but I am not sure.  I know my boy would be better off without this lazy cur in his life, and I know that when the time comes I would have to explain to my boy exactly what happened to his Daddy; a bridge that I am willing to cross when I come to it.

I thought I was writing for advice, Tazi, but I guess I was just looking for a listening ear.  Could you print my letter as a warning to all the other love-struck girls out there?  If my story can save one woman from making the same mistakes I have made I would be much obliged.

Signed,

Regretting It All…Except for My Baby

Dear Regretting It All…

I am glad that you do not regret your son; no child deserves to grow up feeling unwanted.  The reason he cries all of the time could be because of the stressful atmosphere in your home and his tears are his way of expressing this discomfort.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, should you separate or divorce and depending on how your state’s family court system works, you may end up paying Calvin alimony for a prescribed number of years.  My sources tell me that lifetime alimony is a thing of the past and that the average length of time is now 3 – 5 years – long enough for someone to complete a job-training program.  I realize this represents a large chunk of your income – money that could be saved for your child – so be sure to have your lawyer address this matter if/when you go to court.  You may not have to pay alimony – or you may be ordered to pay a reduced amount – if you choose to exempt Calvin from paying child support.  With regards to your house, it is only safe if you do not live in a state with "community property" laws (your lawyer friends can advise you on this matter).  As for explaining to your son what happened to his Daddy, that day may never come, should Calvin decide to exercise his parental rights to visitation.  These are all things to consider as you ponder your decision to stay married, legally separate, or divorce. 

You sound like an intelligent woman who is working on pulling her life back together after tragedy and the impulse decisions that followed it.  I suggest that you talk to one of your “attorney friends” for advice on how to move forward.  In the meantime, I am printing your letter so other women – and men – can learn from your mistakes.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Needs Comfort, Not Scorn, Over Loss Of Her Adult Son

Dear Tazi:

I am so overwhelmed with grief and anger I do not know where to begin. Please feel free to edit my letter so it makes enough sense to publish, because what wish to say needs to be heard.

I am the mother of a gay son. At least, I was until he passed away from complications of AIDS last summer, at the age of 42. Up until that point I was also an active member of my church, but due to some of the comments I heard people making when they thought I could not hear I left and have not gone back. The words were varied, but the theme was the same: People who die of AIDS get what they deserve for living immoral lifestyles, and are unworthy of the rewards of Heaven or the forgiveness of the Lord.

"Larry" contracted his virus during a careless and promiscuous period in his life, and accepted the fact that his personal behaviors led to his failing health. By the time he passed, he had come terms with his shortened life-span, and welcomed death as a release from the pills and the pain. He was a firm believer in God and I know that I will see him again in Heaven someday. For him, death was not a punishment. However, for those of us left behind, it is a wound that will never heal. I would like to make that point clear to those who would judge others. Those who they judge do not have to hear the hateful words being spewed. It is the survivors who suffer.

Thank you for letting me have my say, Tazi.

Signed,
Missing My Boy

Dear Missing My Boy:

Your letter is both poignant and sincerely heartfelt, and I have printed it exactly as you wrote it. You have my deepest sympathies on your loss. In this day and age, there are few who have not witnessed or known someone who has had their lives touched by the specter of HIV/AIDS and the destruction it wreaks on individuals, families, and communities. You have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your son - and on the loss of your church community. I pray that it was only an ignorant few who felt the need to judge your son so, and not the voice of an entire faith community.

You are correct in saying "those who they judge do not have to hear the hateful words being spewed. It is the survivors who suffer" and it is my hope that all people will heed this thought the next time they seek to judge one who has passed. As for being "unworthy of the...forgiveness of the Lord", I would say that is not their decision to make.

Snuggles,
Tazi

I would like to dedicate today's column to the memory of a special friend of my Mommie. 831, JH. --TK

Death Put The Brakes On The Divorce, Widow Now Wants To Date

Dear Tazi:

My marriage was positively miserable for all but a few years. Now that the last of my children is grown and has graduated college, I was planning on leaving their father – I even had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to be delivered – when he took a big, fat heart attack and died. I cannot say that I am saddened by his passing because I am saved the trouble of going through with a divorce and have gained the sympathy and respect of my community as a widow.

My problem is that now that I’m free I would like to start dating. I don’t have anyone in mind, but was considering one of those Internet dating sites or singles mingles. What is an appropriate time for me to wait before jumping back in to the dating world? I would hate to scandalize my children, who thought my marriage to their father was one for the ages, but at the same time I am ready to enjoy my freedom!

Signed,
Just Call Me Scarlett

Dear Just Call me Scarlett:

Depending on where you live and the culture in which you were raised a person’s time of mourning can vary greatly. My community is heavy to the Italian culture, where it seems that a woman mourns her late husband for the rest of her life. In large urban areas, such as New York or Los Angeles, less weight is put upon propriety and more consideration is given for personal fulfillment, meaning a period of mourning lasts as long as you feel it should.

My personal view on an appropriate mourning period is a year and a day. This allows you to live through all of the days/dates that were important to your marriage at least once, and gives you the chance to experience them by yourself; the extra day is so you do not start dating on the anniversary of your spouse’s death. That’s just tacky. I realize your marriage was not the greatest, but often times we do not realize what we have until it is gone. Your first wedding anniversary without your husband; your first holiday season; your first family tradition without him present will be a time of adjustment for all – especially your children; out of respect for them and their need to mourn, allow for time to provide a healthy distance between their father’s passing and the introduction to Mom the Swinging Single.

I am not saying you need to live like a mourning dove for the next 366 days. By all means, get out there and enjoy life! Discover a new hobby or indulge in an old one; take lessons to learn a new skill; join a book discussion club through your local library or book store; take a class at the community college – in other words, live like you were dying. All of this will help you to rediscover your sense of self as you adjust to being a single/widowed woman, help you to meet new friends and cultivate relationships, and maybe even meet potential romantic partners. Nurturing your soul will not only help you heal from your years of misery, it will help your children adjust to the idea that Mom is a person in her own right, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.