Old School Bully Is A New Man

Dear Tazi:

This week I got an invitation to my 10 year high school reunion. It is the first reunion my class is having, and my wife is looking forward to going. We met after college, and she wants to see "who I was" in high school. Tazi, this is why I don't want to go; I am not the same person I was back then.

Growing up, both of my parents were alcoholics and I used to bully the other kids in school. I guess it was my way of dealing with things at home. I got a lot of detention, which was great because it meant I wouldn't have to go straight home after school, but it also left me surrounded by a bad crowd. I scraped through high school and went to college as an excuse to live away from home without having to pay my own way. I racked up a lot of student loans to pay for my room and board.

When I was 21, I saw my best friend die of a drug overdose, and I realized I needed to get my life straight. I went to counseling, started to take school more seriously, and even qualified for some scholarship money! I live a clean, sober life and work hard to support my wife and our young family. I have no desire to re-visit my past full of mistakes. I feel like I have lied to my wife by not telling her about the man I was back then - all she knows about my younger days is that my parents were alcoholics (still are, which is why I have no contact with them) and that I led a troubled life of my own.

Am I lying to my wife, Tazi? Should I go back to my roots and hope that those people can accept me for who I am now, and forget who I was back them?

Signed,
New Man

Dear New Man:

The great thing about reunions is that they offer us a chance to catch up with people; to hash over old memories; and even to apologize for old hurts. I suggest you go to your reunion, but first prep your wife by telling her the truth about your less than savory past. As your wife, she has the right to know about who you are - past and present. Let her know about the events that molded you as a child, and those that molded you into an adult. I get the sense that she wants to go to the reunion to find out who you were because she is curious to know you better.

People change over the years. The class clown might now be the Vice-President of an Accounting firm; the ugly duckling may now be a total swan; the nerd you picked on may now keep company with the likes of Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates...and the school bully who picked on everyone may now be a stand up guy, who feels the need to apologize to those he hurt when he was young. Attending your reunion is an opportunity to give closure as well as get closure on your past. I sincerely hope you choose to attend.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Is It "Safe" To Stop Sending An Invitation?

Dear Tazi:

Every year on the weekend after Thanksgiving I coordinate a mini-reunion of my high school friends. We meet during the years when we do not have a formal high-school reunion planned, and it is open to all who wish to attend - whether they receive an invitation or not.

There are about a dozen of us who have remained close over the years, and we all live within an hour of each other but busy lives, work, children, aging parents, and the like keep us from getting together regularly - there are always some who can make it and others who cannot, so we all plan for our Thanksgiving Weekend! All, that is, but "Caroline".

Caroline has not attended or RSVP'd to the invite for the past three years. Many of us keep in touch with her via email, or we run into her in the community, so it is not like she has simply lost touch with us or has no desire to join us; when we catch up with her she always gives whoever asks a long spiel about how busy she is and how her career is so time consuming and how her children are all in advanced placement classes and competitive extra-curricular activities and how it is "a wonder" she has any time for herself! She will always thank us for thinking of her before adding that she is simply too busy to get together with our tribe. (All italicized words are the ones she particularly emphasizes).

This past year I did not send Caroline an invitation to the Thanksgiving get-together, figuring that if she was too busy to even RSVP these past few years that I should not expect anything different and save myself the stamp. The morning after our event I woke to a screaming Caroline on my answering machine. She was very upset that she had not been invited to the annual get-together and accused me of trying to cut her out of our circle of friends. Not wanting to deal with Caroline over the phone, I emailed her to tell her that she has not expressed interest in attending in years so it was assumed that she had not interest in joining us. I told her I was sorry if this made her feel left out but she has not given so much as an RSVP in years so what were we supposed to think? I added that we all looked forward to seeing her at the formal class reunion next Thanksgiving.

Caroline responded with a fiery litany against me, calling me an unsupportive friend who could never understand the pressure she is under to perform and to be everything to everyone and that she always thought she could count on us, her friends, but that when the going gets tough you find out who your true friends are. She ended by telling me that a real apology does not contain the words "if or but". I realize that my apology was a fumbled one but it was also an insincere one, made to smooth some ruffled feathers more than to express remorse.

Was I wrong to cull Caroline from the annual guest list? Is she the one in the wrong for nor bothering to RSVP and then expect to still receive written invitations? Do I actually owe her a sincere apology or am I the wronged party here?

Signed,
Also A Busy Working Mom

Dear Also A Busy Working Mom:

Caroline's failure to RSVP or attend an event three years in a row would get her culled from my guest list, too; however, it appears that there is a lot going on behind the scenes that Caroline is not telling you. Has it occurred to you that all of Caroline's bravado could be a front for her desperately low self-esteem? In all of her spiels, does Caroline ever once give you any specifics about her life and how she is doing? Could it be that she does not wish to attend your reunions for fear that she will spill the truth after a few drinks, and that truth may not be the façade she presents to the world?

Caroline mentions that her job is stressful. Well, whose isn't at some point? Could it be that Caroline has zero job satisfaction and the thought of having to go to the office makes her want to cry? Is it possible that her children are just as miserable in their AP courses and competitive extra-curriculars, and it is a battle to get them to participate? Perhaps Caroline and her husband are having marital difficulties or financial problems and keeping busy is the outlet Caroline chooses to stick her head into to avoid addressing the problems. Now, the people she felt that she could always count on to think of her and be there for her - her friends - have suddenly and without notice culled her from their tribe.

Rather than issue insincere apologies to each other, why not ask Caroline to carve out some time to join you for coffee - if she protests, offer to join her at one of her children's extra-curricular events and chat in-between scores? Let Caroline know that you and your friends all feel that she has pulled away and is making excuses not to spend time with you. Tell her that you are concerned about her; that her stress seems to have reached an unhealthy level.

If Caroline rejects your offer, do not take it as a personal rejection; instead, do what any good friend would do - let her know that you will be there for her when she is ready, and take a step back from the friendship. Continue to send email updates and invites to events, for these may be the only lifeline Caroline has to the outside world. Eventually, you will know when it is safe to stop extending invitations.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reformed "Player" Wants To Show He Is A Changed Man

Dear Tazi:

Growing up I was the kid who always got picked last for team sports – if I got picked at all. If there was an extra person, I was the one left out so the teams would be even; sometimes the other kids would rather play a person short than have me on their team. I was that awkward, and it hurt.

After high school I moved away to go to college and discovered sports like track and cross country and cycling – sports that didn't require the ability to throw or hit a ball or coordinate with a teammate. I excelled at these sports and in no time at all my body changed from being awkward and gangly to physically fit and muscular. Girls started to take notice of me, and I am ashamed to say I started to act like a kid with free reign in the candy store. I know that some of these women were just looking for a good time, but there were others that really liked me and I must have hurt them with my less than honorable behavior.

While I have no problem at all returning to my hometown for holidays and school reunions – in fact, I love going back and showing off how awesome I now look – I am a little ashamed to go to my college homecomings, where I will see the people who only remember me as a jackass jock; that’s not who I am…at least, not deep down inside.

It has been ten years since I graduated college and I am now married and my wife is pushing to go to my college homecoming with me this year so she can see where I was a star athlete and meet all of my friends from college. “Kara” feels that she is somehow missing out on knowing who I am because she has never met anyone from my college years; she has been to my hometown with me many times, and knows I was an awkward child/teenager so now she wants to see where my “transformation” took place. I am afraid that Kara will discover what a player I was and be disappointed in me; I am also afraid that I will see some of the women I hurt and that they will react badly upon seeing me again and maybe even tell my wife about my past. I don’t want to keep secrets from Kara, so how do I get around all of this?

Signed,

Reformed

Dear Reformed:

I am so happy to hear that you got over your own awesomeness and can now see how hurtful your behavior was to women who were interested in who you were as a person and not for your awesome body. You say that you do not want to keep secrets from your wife but you have done just that for all this time; you have kept your past a secret from the one woman who should know all about you. I can see why Kara is pressing to attend your college homecoming.

For the sake of your wife, who does not deserve to hear the truth from someone else, I suggest you track down your old flames via Facebook or some other social media (perhaps your college has a class page) and apologize for the way you treated them all those years ago. Contrary to what the singer Timbaland says, it is never too late to apologize. Then, explain to your wife why you are so reluctant to attend your reunion. You do not have to go into all of the gory details; simply state that you were quite the ladies’ man in college, having spent your grade school years an unpopular dork, and that your behavior got a little out of hand. Tell her you would rather remain perfect in her eyes, so you have skimmed over the less honorable parts of your past and hope that she can forgive you for telling this lie of omission. Finally, ask her if she still wants to attend your college homecoming and honor her request if she says yes. I suggest you make your travel reservations as soon as you finish reading this – homecoming is on its way!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Stuck In The '80's" Wonders If It Is Time To Update Her Look

Dear Tazi:

I was a teenager in the 1980's, and I loved the look so much I never left it behind. I still have really big (teased) hair, a love of stretch leggings, heavy black eyeliner, and don't even get me started on how long my acrylic nails are.

My 25th high school reunion is coming up, and I am wondering if maybe I should update my look. Although I would love to return to my roots and have people tell me that I haven't changed a bit, I want them to mean it in a good way, not a bad one. It is not that I am uncomfortable with the way I look, it's just that I have never found a reason to change to it. My husband tells me he loves me just the way I am and not to change a thing unless I really want to; my sister tells me its time to leave the Aqua Net back in the '80's and go for a more mature hairstyle if not a full makeover. I am not certain what I want; I guess I just want to fit into the world like I did back in high school, when life was so simple.

Tazi, do you think my look is out of place with current trends? Or am I just fine the way I am?

Signed,
Stuck In The '80's

Dear Stuck In The '80's:

My friend Nemo Cat's Mommy would love to be in your place! She came of age in the '90's and is always saying that she was born a decade too late! While the '80's have always been a fashionable decade - to imitate or rag on - styles do change with the times. Before I continue, I suggest you take a walk down memory lane with this video.

Video/song credit: Barry Russo

While it is more than okay to "want your MTV the way it used to be", rocking a mullet while wearing legwarmers with your jellybean shoes is overkill.  If you are concerned about being seen as an anachronism then I suggest you pick and choose a few highlights from your glory days to keep and update the remainder of your look. Let's face it: acid wash jeans were always a bad idea, as was fluorescent clothing and lacy ankle socks with high heels.

Unless, of course, you actually want to look like a hooker!

Leggings are always in style, so long as you remember that they are not pants and should always be worn with a tunic length top (because visible panty lines are never in style!). Current makeup styles range from barely there to bright and bold, so choose a look that works well for you and don't fret it. I suggest you check out professional makeup artist James Vincent's portfolio for some examples of what's hot right now. That man can work wonders with a makeup brush!

Nail polish is always a good way to make a fashion statement. Current trends emphasize bright colors, glitter, and nail art (just not all three on the same manicure). As for length, for reasons related to health and sanitation a quarter inch past the fingertip is the ideal length; any longer and bacteria can get trapped on the underside of the nail and cause illness or infection. As for your hair, current trends emphasize straight. It can be long, short, or even a pixie cut but straight, not teased, is what is featured on the runways right now (at least, it is according to Vogue Magazine, and who am I to argue with Anna Wintour?).

In the end, you are the one who has to create and maintain a look that you feel comfortable presenting. If you are happy with your current appearance, don't let anyone - even me - convince you to change it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes, The Past Must Remain There

Dear Tazi:

Ten years ago our beautiful daughter "Denise"was murdered.  Her case remains unsolved.  Our daughter was raised in a good Christian home, and she was given all the advantages she needed to get ahead in the world, but when she turned 18 she also turned her back on all of that and started hanging out with the wrong crowd.

At first the police believed Denise's death was drug related, but her autopsy showed no evidence of drug use; there were no further leads, few suspects, and the case went cold fast.  She became just another black youth who fell victim to the streets.  My husband and I were understandably inconsolable - and furious: at the world; at ourselves for somehow failing her; at the police for not finding evidence as to who killed Denise.

At first, all suspected her boyfriend - a seedy, older man who smoked and drank and was rumored to be violent, but he swears he was "on a three day bender" when Denise was killed.  He had no one to witness his alibi, and was the prime suspect but there was no evidence against him.  He has since cleaned up his act, found God, and works as a volunteer for the Church.  He feels guilty that he was unable to save Denise, and we have accepted his pleas for our forgiveness.  We realize that he did nothing wrong.

As you can see, we have all tried moving forward with our lives.  The pain of losing our daughter will never cease for my husband and I, but it does change.  Like an old wound, scars remain and some days the pain is more noticeable than others, but it is nothing like the raw wound it was when we first lost our daughter.

Now that ten years have passed, her high school class is having a reunion and would like us to attend to witness a short memorial to Denise (she was very popular in high school).  My husband and I would like to politely refuse.  We would also like to ask that the planners refrain from having a memorial.  The time for that was ten years ago.  We are happy that people remember her for the wonderful young woman Denise was, and we would like that memory to remain.  We fear a memorial will simply bring up the details of our daughter's killing - they are gruesome - and replace the memories that people have of her.  We do not want the old wounds torn open.

I have written to several advice columnists on this issue, Tazi, but none have responded.  Could you please respond?  The reunion - and memorial - quickly approaches!

Sincerely,
Grieving Parents

Dear Grieving Parents:

You have my utmost sympathies on the loss of your daughter; your pain and grief are unimaginable, so it is completely understandable that you do not wish to attend an even that would tear open your wounds.  I am hoping that I have printed your letter in time for you to show it to the planners of the reunion and memorial.  I realize how much fortitude it must have taken to write your letter; speaking such sentiments may prove to be too much.

I suggest that you enclose a copy of your letter in with a note to the planners of your daughter's reunion, asking them to understand your feelings on the issue.  Sometimes, people do not consider the harm that they may be doing when they try to attempt something good.  Although you cannot prevent Denise's former classmates from holding a small memorial if that is their wish, you do not have to attend it.  It is my hope that they will honor your wishes, and instead place a small table off to the side, with the pictures of all from the class who have passed - including your daughter - with a small "We Remember..." sign.

Extra Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.