Donut Shop Has More Than Just Coffee To Bring In Customers

Dear Tazi:

My husband of thirty-eight years retired this past summer and he is driving me crazy. Most of what he does I can handle, and I expect things to get better with time. We have weathered worse storms in our long marriage and this, too, shall pass. My issue is with his morning trip to the coffee shop.

Since retiring, every morning "Jeff" goes to the coffee shop for his morning brew. He claims that he wants to meet up with the guys and shoot the bull. I have suggested that they save money and have their coffee dates at our place, but he brushed off my idea, saying that the guys would never go for it, adding that their "meetings" are not "dates". Jeff is generally gone all morning, giving me blessed relief from his nitpicking about how I handle the housework, but I do not think that it is fair that he gets to relax with his friends all morning while I spend the same time cleaning up his messes - his dirty dishes, his dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor, his shaved whiskers in the bathroom sink, etc.

I am firm about my point that since we are retired we need to save money where we can, and coffee can just as easily be brewed fresh at home and drunk on the porch as it can at the coffee shop. I decided it was time to put my foot down and went to the coffee shop to purchase a pound of their ground coffee for home brewing, and I got an eyeful when I walked into the place!

My husband was there with his buddies, having coffee and promised, but they were also oogling the young coffee servers, young ladies who were dressed in tight pants and low-cut blouses that showed off more than needed to be shown to serve coffee! I was so horrified I walked out without buying the coffee! When I got home, I called Jeff and told him to pick up a pound or two, because he will not be returning to that place with my blessing!

When Jeff returned home, he had not purchased the coffee. Worse, he accused me of spying on him and told me that he will continue to have coffee with his buddies and to "enjoy the scenery". I am devastated to know that my husband thinks so little of our marital vows! He insists that looking is not cheating, and if the girls are going to flaunt it he has the right to look. I have written a sternly worded letter to the coffee shop manager, but never received a response. In the meantime, an icy field has developed between my husband and me. Am I making mountains out of molehills, Tazi? Let me add that not one of those girls had "molehills"; they were all pretty "mountainous".

Signed,
Feeling Chilled Down South

Dear Feeling Chilled Down South:

Men the world over are going to be the kind of men that they are, regardless of how they would like to present themselves to their spouses. It sounds to me that your husband is turning into a dirty old man - a vision of himself that he would rather you not have seen. If going to the coffee shop to have coffee with his buddies is all Jeff's trips are about, he would probably not have an issue inviting the guys over to the house or even taking turns meeting at each other's houses.

Your husband has admitted that he goes to "enjoy the scenery"; he has been busted, no two ways about it. At least he did not insult your intelligence by denying it. As long as he does not escalate by moving his morning coffee meets to the local strip club I suggest letting the matter drop. These women are young enough to be his daughter or even his granddaughter - you might want to point out this fact to him, and see if it cools his ardor a bit. Sometimes, seeing ourselves as others see us is all it takes to push us into changing our less than charming behaviors.

I can understand why you would be upset enough over this situation to write a letter to the coffee shop manager, but a very unscientific survey of the waitresses in my life reveals that the more that they reveal to their customers, the larger the tips they receive. As disheartening as I find this, the truth is that sex sells, and many of these young women need their tips to survive; they are not saving pin money, they are earning rent money.

With regard to the second half of your problem - your disgust for your husband's slovenly behavior. Is this something new or has he always expected you to be his maid? Are you only reacting now because he has retired and you still have to work at keeping house? As you mention, a marriage of thirty-eight years cannot last without weathering the storms, and this is one more swell your boat will have to navigate. I suggest that you discuss your disgust of your husband's home habits to get to the root of your anger towards him. I also suggest that you not try to control him - the tighter you pull the leash the more he will work to slip out of it.

Snuggles,
Tazi





Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Lack Of Trust Can Damage The Relationships You Value The Most

Dear Tazi:

I must be the biggest cretin on the face of the planet. My live-in boyfriend has been acting very secretive for the past several months, so I was convinced he was cheating on me. He would say he was working overtime to explain long absences, yet I never saw any additional cash in our joint bank account so I assumed the worst.

After three months of this suspicious behavior, I secretly checked the call log on his cell phone and was crushed to discover several phone calls lasting 20 minutes or more to my best friend! I confronted "Jason" and asked him how long he had been sleeping with my best friend. He denied all of my accusations and told me I was "acting crazy" and that he would never cheat on me, but he could not give me a good reason why he had logged so many calls to my best friend. He actually had the nerve to say that I must have used his phone to call her!

I told Jason to pack his stuff and get out, but he refused so I did. Of course my best friend tried calling me to tell me that she was not sleeping with Jason, but I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed in a cheap motel for two weeks, when Jason called to tell me he wanted to talk and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant. It was a week before my 30th birthday, and I really didn't want to be turning 30 all alone, so I gave in with the hope that maybe we could salvage our relationship.

When I got to the restaurant, I got the surprise of my life. Jason and my best friend had been in close contact for the past several months. It turns out that they were planning my surprise birthday party. Jason had been working overtime all this time, too; he used the money to fly my parents in from the East coast so they could be here to celebrate with me.

Jason acted like everything was normal all through my party, so I thought everything was okay between us, but after the party he told me we really did need to talk. He told me that he loved me, but that we needed to take a big step backwards in our relationship until I can learn to trust him. He asked me to move back into our apartment, but is staying in the guest room until our lease is up, and then wants to see where we are before he decides if we should continue living together, or even stay together as a couple. Since Jason is close to my best friend, I asked her to talk to him for me, but she replied - quite coolly - that she already had, and that she had at least convinced him to give me another chance.

Tazi, I can't understand why they are both still so angry with me. Why can't they see things from my point of view? They would have thought the same thing if they were in my shoes! Wouldn't they? How can I make things right with the two most important friends I have - my boyfriend and my best friend?

Signed,
Hating 30...So Far

Dear Hating 30...So Far:

Quite honestly, I don't think your boyfriend would immediately jump to the conclusion that you were cheating on him with his best friend. Judging by the fact that you accused him of cheating on you; tried to kick him out; and moved into a cheap motel when he refused, yet he still went through with his plan to throw you a surprise birthday party, I would say that your boyfriend is a class act.

The fact that you showed a lack of trust in your best friend as well as your boyfriend tells me that you have some serious trust issues and a complete lack of faith in the people you should be trusting the most. I would advise you to use this "time-out" in your relationship to try and figure out why you this is so. Professional counseling could help, but I think couples counseling would work best; once Jason understands why you acted the way you did the process of healing and forgiveness can begin for him, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If the only reason you are with your boyfriend is because you don't want to be "30 and alone", perhaps it is time to make your split a permanent one. You also owe your best friend an apology for your accusations.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom's Dating The Former Quarterback; Daughter Does Not Know What To Do!

Dear Tazi:

My life is over! I am twenty years old, and my parents have decided to get divorced. I can handle this, because they have been living separate lives for years and the stress of seeing them stay together for my sake has been overwhelming (they were still teenagers when they got married because Mom got pregnant with me). No, it is not the divorce that bothers me; it is the reason for the divorce. My mother has met someone and wants to "move the relationship forward". The problem is that the person she has met is the former quarterback of my high school football team. "Hunter" is only four years older than me!

I have been cheer-leading since I was old enough to walk, and participating on competitive teams since I was five; so I naturally tried out for my high school squad as soon as I was eligible, my freshman year. My mother came to all of the football games, even when it was so cold you tossed your dignity and wore a Snuggie, like those tools in the commercials! I thought she was there to watch me cheer; but now I realize she was there to watch Hunter in tight pants! The most humiliating part of all this? My old high school mascot was the Cougars!

Thankfully, I have been away at college while Mom and Hunter have been publicly prancing around together; so I have not had to put up with the stares and rude comments that are sure to come when I return home for Winter Break next month. Do you have any advice on how to handle this whole situation? I am praying to God that they break up; but I don't think that is going to happen - Mom and Hunter are talking about moving in together. Help!

Signed,
Somewhere In Middle America

Dear Somewhere In Middle America:

Your situation certainly is a delicate one; however you must remember that your parents marriage - and the state of it - is nobody's business but their own. You mention that your Mom was still a teenager when she had you, which would put her in her mid-to-late thirties now; making the age difference between she and Hunter a little more acceptable to most people; but still upsetting to some.

At 24, Hunter is no longer a kid and is probably looking to settle down and get married; maybe even start a family. Your mother is still young enough to have children, and if this is the path she and Hunter decide to follow, your inability to accept their relationship will make the situation all the more difficult.

My advice to you is to have a frank talk with you mother about how you feel. Tell her why her relationship with Hunter upsets you so much, refraining from using phrases like "it's icky". Put your thoughts into a mature and reasoned argument, and then listen to your mother's response. If she is acting like a school-girl with a crush, I would not worry about a future between she and Hunter; these things tend to die a natural death. If, however, she is truly in love with Hunter and he with her you will have to work on accepting the relationship if you wish to have a continued relationship with your mother.

As for dealing with the rude stares and comments, I suggest you do so with grace. If someone calls your Mom a "Cougar", you might want to remind them that she is too young for that title; "Puma" is the correct term (trust me on this one; I'm a cat!). Once people see that they cannot rattle you, all but the most boneheaded will leave you alone; and as for them, they do not deserve the dignity of an answer.

You do not mention how your father feels about all that is happening; but I suggest that you do your best not to take sides in this matter. As I said before, the state of your parents marriage is nobody's business but their own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Please try to keep some perspective, as well. I doubt your mother came to all of those football games just to "watch Hunter in tight pants". The age difference between you and he tells me that he would have been a senior during your freshman year, meaning your mother also attended three years of Hunter-free games. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants Permission To Cheat; Husband Is Heartbroken

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I have been having marital problems and have been in counseling to deal with them.  I thought we were making progress, when she informed me that there is someone at work she is interested in, and he is interested in her, too.  She told me she could not be certain that she wanted to commit to our marriage until she had the opportunity to see where things could go with this other man.  She then asked me for permission to have an affair with him.

Tazi, I was stunned.  I did not know what to say.  I told her that I did not want to say yes; I love her and want her to stay with me and to honor our marital vows.  I asked her what she would do if I said “NO” and she responded that she would probably sow her wild oats anyway.  She then accused me of being selfish and wanting to keep her in a union that she was not certain she wanted to stay in.  She has now been staying out late and when she does come home she goes straight to bed and goes to sleep.  There is no communication between us and I feel like my marriage is ending in spite of all I have done to try and keep it together. 

Tazi, can you offer any suggestions on how to save my marriage?  My wife is refusing to return to counseling, saying it will do us no good until I accept the fact that she needs to work things out in her own way.

Signed,

Clem

Dear Clem:

You have my deepest sympathies on the breakdown of your marriage.  You have tried all that you can do to repair the damage; open lines of communication; and rekindle the spark between you and your wife, but she needs to work on doing the same.  A marriage cannot work when only one member of it is actively working towards keeping it together.  This is a sad fact that you may have to face.

From what you write, it sounds like your wife wants the freedom that comes with being a single woman with the security that comes with being married.  She cannot have it both ways, and I believe that she knows this, too, which is why she is trying to guilt you into seeing her as the wronged party.  Your choices are difficult, but unless you take action your inaction will allow your wife to call all of the shots.

Why you would want to stay with someone who has openly expressed a desire to cheat is beyond both my understanding and my ability to counsel, so I urge you continue to go to marriage counseling by yourself; leaving the door open for your wife to join you if/when she is ready.   Your counselor will help you to deal with the overwhelming emotional stress you must be feeling, as well as the feelings of anger, betrayal, and loneliness.  At this point, you must make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you wish to stay in this marriage or have it legally dissolved.

Extra Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Online Romance Is Still Cheating

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I just discovered that my boyfriend of two and a half years is cheating on me. The problem is, I only know that he is cheating on me because I broke into his email to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating on me.

"Brady" has been acting distant for several months now, and at first I thought it was just the stress of school. He has not been doing well, so I figured I would give him some space and some more time to study. Instead of studying, he started playing World of Warcraft, which is how he met the woman he has been seeing. So far, the romance appears to be online only, but I don't know if I want to stick around to see if it escalates.

If I break up with Brady, he is going to want me to give him a reason; he can be very insistant that way, wanting to know exactly why something is happening when things do not go the way he likes. For this reason, he has alienated a lot of people, including several of my close friends who are all telling me I should "jump ship". The problem is, I am still deeply in love with Brady, and I am afraid that if I leave I will regret my decision - after all, I have no real proof that he has physically cheated on me. Right? I am so confused, Tazi-Kat! I need an unbiased opinion on the matter. Care to give me one?

Signed,
Crazy In Love...Or Just Plain Crazy?

Dear Crazy (In Love?):

You say you have no "real proof" that Brady is physically cheating on you. Would a sexually transmitted infection be proof enough for you that he is cheating? Or would you allow him to convince you that you must have caught it from a dirty toilet seat, or from the steam room at the gym? From the tone of your letter, it sounds to me that you do not wish to be convinced that your boyfriend has been unfaithful to you.

Brady, by your own admission, has "alienated" several of your close friends. Do you wish to drive them away as well by staying with this man even though both your instincts and your investigation have told you that he has not been true to you? Since you ask for my unbiased opinion, I will give it: Leave. Leave now, and don't look back. If Brady insists on a reason, tell him the truth: that you feel you cannot trust him, and without trust a relationship cannot survive.

I realize that two and a half years is a significant amount of time to have invested in a relationship, but can you honestly see yourself spending another two and a half years with this man, knowing what you now know? Give yourself permission to feel angry, and you may be able to see the situation through clearer eyes. Once you have the twin monkeys of guilt and hurt feelings off of your back, you may discover that you don't miss Brady like you expected you would.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. Although you really should not have broken into your boyfriend's email account, that is another letter for another time!

"Creeper" Needs To Crawl Back Under His Rock

Dear Tazi:

Here is my issue. I am single woman who has never been in a relationship. Right now in my life I do not want one. I am 22 and in college, working towards a successful career. I plan on going to graduate school and have no desire to date or be in a relationship. However, that does not stop the creepers from being attracted to me. It seems that any one who is interested in me is either a loser, a creeper, or married.

I have this one married guy who seems to be very interested in me. I have known him for about 5 years and only within the past year figured out he was married. The only reason why I figured it out was through Facebook. I see "Seymour" about once a year because we both volunteer at the same annual event. I will admit that we have has a flirtatious relationship, but I would never act on it. I figured it was a joke. Now though, I think he has a different idea. He texted me a month after the event saying how I was "a severe temptation" and that he "has to be good around me". I am not sure what Seymour means, but it was clear that he was not joking. Now he has been poking me on Facebook. I think I made a mistake by poking him back and continued to poke him back.

Tazi, I do not know what to do. Seymour is married and regardless I would not pursue anything with him. My fear is that next year at our volunteer event things are going to be wicked AWKWARD. Any suggestion on what I can do to stop attracting the creepers and not make things awkward with married guy?

Signed,
Fish Out Of Water

Dear Fish Out Of Water:

It is fun to flirt, isn't it? I love flirting with the visitors that enter my home! I will pretend to be shy, just to watch them bend over backwards to get my attention! Everyone loves attention, so I can understand why you would playfully flirt with someone that did not interest you - no harm, no foul; right?

Potential relationships can be scary for anyone, but especially for the uninitiated. Paws up to you for concentrating on your education and putting your career training ahead of boys; but it appears this has left you with a lack of experience in dealing with the laws of attraction. Rule #1 is that the less available someone is, the more attractive they become. Because Seymour sees you as a forbidden fruit you are all the sweeter to him - thus the comment that you are "a severe temptation". I am not saying that if he were single he would not find you attractive; just that he would not be acting like a creeper. And that is the issue at hand, isn't it? If Seymour continued to act like a gentleman, would you feel more comfortable around him?

The first step to stopping the creepy behavior is to stop poking him - this will prevent him from poking you back. Is it possible to dismiss a poke without poking someone back? If so, try doing this. If Seymour continues to try and poke you, continue to ignore the pokes. Unless he is a complete dunce, he should get the message.

As for how to avoid the awkwardness at your next annual event: You do not say when it is or how much time will pass before you see Seymour at this event; but perhaps time will heal the awkwardness. If that is not possible, please do not ignore the proverbial elephant in the room. If you see him, you can laughingly say "POKE!" to break the ice. If he responds, take the opportunity to tell him that you are glad that there are "no hard feelings about any misunderstanding that may have occurred". If he asks for details, simply say that you felt he may have taken your harmless flirtation the wrong way. If he still tries to push for details, just say "I think I hear your wife calling for you" and walk away.

As for how to prevent creepers in the future; there is no one easy answer. A friendly, simple, "I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not interested in you" will get the point across nicely. It may be blunt, but creepers will not understand subtlety. If they continue trying, simply repeat the above line, word for word. Creepers thrive on drama, and if you give it to them they will be back for more. Nothing is more boring to a creeper than hearing the same, even-toned reaction over and over again.

Good luck in graduate school and in your future career!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Have you "Liked" me on Facebook yet? Check me out at www.facebook.com/AskTazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Uses Woman's Fear Of Public Toilets To Hide His Infidelity

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have not seen addressed elsewhere, and I am embarrassed to ask my doctor about it: I am unable to defecate in a public bathroom.  I have no problem with peeing, but when it comes to farting or pooping I hold it in until I get home. 

This school year I moved away to college and my problem has caused some complications.  I only live a few hours from home, so I can return home on weekends, but a daily commute would be too much.  I thought I would have a private bathroom to share with only a few people, but my dormitory is old and has two ladies rooms per floor – which means I am sharing my bathroom with an entire floor!

I have managed to learn to “hold it in” until after everyone is asleep, but this is a college campus and people go to bed late – generally after midnight every night!  I wish I could hold it until the weekend, but I can’t.  My record is three days.

While showering today I noticed some strange bumps on the inside of my butt-crack.  They were about the size and consistency of a raisin.  I think I have anal warts!  My boyfriend insists he has been faithful to me since I went away to school and that I must have gotten them from the public toilet seat.  Could this have happened, Tazi?  I know there are all sorts of nasty germs lurking on public toilet seats, which is why I don’t like using them, but I always thought genital/anal warts were sexually transmitted.  Is my boyfriend right?  Or do you think he is lying to me?

Signed,

Itchy Down There

Dear Itchy Down There:

Your boyfriend could technically been telling the truth when he said he has been faithful since you went away to school; he could have cheated on you while you were still at home.  The fact that he blames your infection on something he knows you fear – public toilet seats – makes me believe that he is being less than honest with you.

Condyloma – the medical term for genital warts – is transmitted through skin to skin contact with an infected person.  Is it possible to contract it from a toilet seat?  Anything is possible, I suppose, but the chances of this happening are about the same as me turning green and growing a second tail.  

Now about that second tail…

Now is not the time to assign blame.  Now is the time for both you and your boyfriend to go to a doctor and get treated for this viral infection.  Left untreated anal warts can spread to the rectum and the colon, and possibly lead to anal, rectal, or colon cancer in later years.  Additionally, if you are unlucky enough to have contracted condyloma accuminatum the warts will spread and grow until your tushy looks like it has a cauliflower growing out of it!  (I have seen pictures of it in Mommie’s sexual health textbooks). 

Due to the graphic nature of such pictures, I have only linked to them here.

If these pictures are not enough to scare you into seeking medical treatment I do not know what else to tell you, except good luck in your future attempts to “pinch one off”!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  You should never be too embarrassed to tell your doctor anything!  S/he is the person you have trusted with your health; you must trust them with your behavior, too!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

There Is A Difference Between Secrecy And Privacy

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and he is always keeping secrets from me!  "Joe" always goes out and doesn't tell me where he is going.  If I find out where he went it is because I asked, not because he told me.  I never know who he is texting or Facebooking on his phone - when I try to see he blocks the phone and tells me to cut it out, that I am invading his privacy.  I feel like Joe has two sides to his life; one that he shares with me and one that he does not.  I want to be part of his entire life, not just the parts he allows me to see.

Yesterday all [heck] broke loose and I am ready to end the relationship over his attitude.  Joe and I were hanging out when he got up to use the bathroom.  He left his phone behind, so I decided to check his text messages to see what he is hiding from me, but his phone was locked with a security code!  I see no reason why he has this feature, and I told him so when he got back.  Rather than give me an answer he demanded to know why I was trying to use his phone when I had mine with me.

I told Joe that I did not like that he keeps so many secrets from me and demanded that he let me see his call and text history.  He told me that he was not keeping secrets but that his phone history was a private matter and that I need to learn to trust him.  I told him to stop turning the issue into something that was my fault; that he is the one keeping secrets.  I gave him an ultimatum: his secrets or me.  He just stared at me, so I walked out before he responded.  Now I am wondering if I should call to demand his answer.

Signed,
Boyfriendless?

Dear Boyfriendless?:

There is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.  Secrecy is accompanied by feelings of guilt; fear that someone will find out what you are doing; and overly defensive behavior.  Privacy is a matter of respect for another's personal life.  For example, Joe should not have to tell you where he is at every moment of the day; nor should he have to tell you who he has been texting and what has been said.  If he is texting directly in front of you and ignoring you to have a text conversation with another this is rude, but it is still a private conversation.  If I were you I would worry if he left the room to talk or text; since he is doing it in front of you he is not keeping the conversation a secret, just private.

The fact that Joe is willing to tell you where he went after you discover that he went out tells me that he is not keeping secrets from you; rather, it sounds like you are insecure in your relationship.  Have boyfriends past cheated on you?  Has Joe ever done anything (within reason) to make you question his fidelity?  Joe could make more of an effort to make you feel like a part of his life, but trust me when I tell you that most of what he does when he is not with you would probably bore you to tears.  Do you really want to hear about his trip to the store to buy milk?  Or his text conversation with his best friend that consists of one word answers?

You were wrong to try and sneak a peek into Joe's call and text history; this is an invasion of privacy.  As for the security code on his phone, has it occurred to you that maybe Joe keeps sensitive personal information in there - like credit card numbers and other financial information?  Nowadays, a phone is a mini-computer; Joe is wise to keep a digital lock on it.

I think you should call Joe and apologize for issuing such an unreasonable ultimatum.  Explain to him that his behavior makes you feel insecure, and ask him to meet you halfway - you can work on your insecurities and he can work on opening up to you.  Relationships are about compromise; it is time the two of you start.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Girlfriend Is "Too Hands On" For Her Partner

Dear Tazi:

I have been with my "lady friend" for several years now, and I enjoy her company. Although I can never marry her (I am legally separated but not divorced) I have no plans on leaving her for another woman - least of all my legal wife, whom I remain married to for financial reasons - and "Leona" says that she understands this and is content with our arrangement so long as I remain faithful to her.

My problem is that Leona does not seem to trust me around other women. If another woman so much as looks at me - for whatever reason - Leona will put her arm around me, nuzzle my neck, whisper in my hear, or grab my behind; basically claiming her territory. This behavior is embarrassing enough at parties and other social gatherings, but it is downright aggravating when it happens in line at the grocery store (Leona swears the cashier has a crush on me). The worst is when Leona starts pawing me in church.

There is a woman who goes to the same mass as me and I have a long but platonic history with her. She went to high school with my youngest sister and was even in her wedding party, which is how my family and I got to know her outside of church. My mother has always adored "Katrina" and her fondness shows. Mom made the mistake of giving Katrina a hug one morning after mass and asking about her relationship status within sight of Leona. This convinced Leona that my mother wants to push her out of my life in order to set her up with Katrina. Since that day (three years ago) Leona has made a point of draping herself all over me whenever she sees Katrina at mass.

Because Katrina sits in the choir, she sits off to the side of the main church and has a full view of the congregation. I know she sees Leona acting far too hands on for church (especially during the sign of peace) because she will rapidly look away, like she is embarrassed at witnessing a private moment, as soon as she sees Leona lick my ear or nibble my fingers. Leona is convinced that Katrina is starting at me (why else would she suddenly look away?) and uses this logic to further her physical attentions to me. I don't think Katrina is looking at us on purpose; I think it is just that we sit in her field of vision.

In order to accommodate Leona's insecurity I suggested we move to a different seat, which worked for a short while - until the ceiling over the choir's nook collapsed and they had to move to the other side of the church. Now Leona and I are once again in the direct view of Katrina and Leona's machinations are getting worse - so much so that the Pastor drew us aside after mass and asked us to conduct ourselves with "decorum appropriate to the venue". I was humiliated! Even worse, so was my mother.

Leona is now refusing to attend mass with me, saying she feels unwelcome. This is fine with me, since I am not at all comfortable with her behavior, but she wants me to stop attending mass, too, or at least switch parishes or masses. Tazi, I know this sounds like a small request, but isn't to me. I have been attending the same mass at the same church for more than 20 years and I enjoy the familiarity. I have gotten to know the people who attend this mass, which makes the celebration of mass more fulfilling to me. Plus the thought of not being able to see my friend Katrina does sadden me. Just because there is nothing romantic going on between us does not mean that I do not appreciate and enjoy her friendship. I know it sounds like I am trying to have it all - and maybe I am - but is it all too much to ask?

Signed,
Wanting It All

P.S. I forgot to mention that Leona is several years younger than Katrina, who is ten years younger than me. Something tells me this may have something to do with my problem.

Dear Wanting It All:

If Leona is several years younger than Katrina, who is ten years younger than you, I am going to do the math and figure that there is a 15 - 20 year age difference between you and Leona, which could explain why she is acting so immature - it is because she is immature.

Leona's draping herself all over you at parties can be excused if alcohol is involved and can be understood if a cashier is flirting at you. But mauling you in church because she thinks a woman in the choir is gazing upon you from across the room? As Elvis Presley sang, "We can't go on together with suspicious minds"; this is a point you need to drive home to Leona.

Sparkly white jumpsuit not required!

Why your mother's affection for Katrina should set Leona off in a jealous rage is beyond me...unless there is something else you have failed to mention? Is it possible that Katrina does have a crush on you, and/or you on her? While this does not excuse Leona's behavior in church (nothing does) it may explain it. You need to be honest with yourself in order to be honest with your lady friend.

You briefly mention that you will never be able to marry Leona because you remain legally married for "financial reasons". How does this make Leona feel, that you are choosing to remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of money? Is she truly okay with remaining your girlfriend for the rest of her life or does she hope to someday marry you - with or without the money you would lose if you divorced your wife? What about children - does Leona want any? If so, this relationship is far more complicated than you realize. In your desire to have it all, you may be taking from others.

The time has come for you to have a serious talk with Leona about her insecurity - in general, and especially about Katrina, since her presence in church is driving you out of it. Ask Leona what solid evidence she has that Katrina is interested in you. Tell Leona that you love her, not Katrina, and that her immature behavior is upsetting you; that such physical expressions of affection are best expressed during private moments, not as witness to the entire church and community. Most importantly, ask Leona if she is happy with your current arrangement. It could be that in the "several years" since you started dating her wants and needs have changed, and her overbearing jealousy is her way of expressing this.

If you wish to continue going to the same church and the same mass as you have always attended, then do it. Leona has no right to dictate your religious observances. The same goes for your choice of friendships. If you wish to remain in contact with Katrina, Leona will have to learn to live with this if she cannot learn to like her. Nobody has the right to dictate whom their partners can have as friends.

Snuggles,
Tazi








Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Requests An Open Marriage As Alternative To Divorce

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I have been together since we were 12 years old and were married while we we still just teenagers. I thought we had the kind of marriage that would last forever, but I am starting to think I was wrong. Lately, it seems everything that "Hunter" does annoys me, and I am starting to get out of the house with my girlfriends much more often just to get away from him.

Lately, I have been going to a local bar for karaoke and dancing, and I am discovering all the things I missed by marrying young - including the opportunity to date other men. Now, I don't have my eye on any one man in particular, but there are several that have expressed interest in me if I was interested! I don't particularly want to get divorced - I have young children and I don't want to screw them up, plus we would have to sell our house, divide our financial assets, and it is just easier to stay married. Plus, I really like my in-laws and I do still love my husband...I just want more.

I was reading an article in one of my magazines written by someone who has an open marriage, and I think I would like to give it a try! The more I think about it, the more it makes sense; an open marriage would let Hunter and I develop relationships with other people so we won't be at each other's throats all of the time. I think an open marriage would help Hunter and me appreciate each other more. Plus, I could go out dancing and have fun with other men and not feel guilty about wanting to go home with one of them when they ask me (so far, I have always said no, but I have wanted to say yes!).

I brought my idea up to Hunter and he has a different opinion than me on this subject. He went through the roof, accused me of wanting to cheat and said it's just as bad as cheating, and told me he would divorce me before he allowed me to start sleeping around with other men. Well excuse me, but I don't recall needing his permission to sleep with other men! He said that part was covered in our marriage vows and suggested that maybe I have forgotten what they said. Tazi, I have not forgotten; I just think that I will be better able to honor my husband if I had a little more excitement in my life! I have seriously thought this through and just need a convincing argument to get Hunter to go along with it. As I said, we have been together since we were kids and we are both 25 now. I like to think that my oen marriage idea will help us to grow as a couple, but Hunter thinks it will just tear us apart. What do you think?

Signed,
Wandering Eyes

Dear Wandering Eyes:

Do you know why I am the only cat that lives in my house, in spite of my Mommie's desire for another kitty to keep me company? Because I do not want another kitty to keep me company! Just as my Mommie is trying to use my "needs" as an excuse to fulfill her wants so you are trying to use the problems in your marriage as an excuse to cheat on your husband!

The next time you go out to a bar to dance or sing karaoke, why not ask your husband if he would like to come along? You seem to be fixated on all of the things you never got the chance to do because you married young. Did you ever think that maybe your husband feels like he missed out on something, too? His unhappiness could be why everything he does seems to annoy you.

You say that you are afraid that a divorce will mess up your children. Do you think having a mother who sleeps around is going to help them grow into well-adjusted adults? Do you really think your in-laws, who you claim to really like, are going to want to have anything to do with you if you turn into a philanderer? If you are only staying in your marriage for the financial benefits you are not being fair to anyone - your husband, your children, or yourself. You owe it to your family to try and work on your marriage before seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

I suggest that you make a list of the reasons you fell in love with your husband. How many of those reasons still exist? People change as they grow, and if you and your husband have not grown together you need to find the place where your paths changed direction and work towards coming together as a couple once more. This will not be easy - or as fun as flirting with random men who are looking for a one-night stand - but the process will lead to a renewed sense of fulfillment in your marriage.

I strongly suggest you seek counseling to deal with your marital issues as well as the problems within yourself. Why do you enjoy the attention from strangers so much that you would be willing to throw away your marriage in order to take your flirtations to the next step? All in all, you must remember that your husband can make decisions, too...and if you decide to start stepping out on him with other men, he may decide to step out on you - permanently. He has already threatened to divorce you; do not doubt that he will follow through with this threat and make your decisions from there.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Girlfriend Upset Over Infidelity - But Is Boyfriend Or Best Friend To Blame?

Dear Tazi:

I am a high school junior and the girl I thought of as my best friend has been [having a romantic fling with] my boyfriend! How could she do this to me? I trusted her around him and this is how she repays me? Some friend, huh?

It happened at a party that I was supposed to go to but didn't because I was sick. I asked "Mariella" to keep my boyfriend company and did she ever! My boyfriend told me that she must have spiked his drink because he felt all stupid and had no idea where he was or what was going on and the next thing he knew he was [having sex with] Mariella. I have obviously forgiven my boyfriend, but I never want to speak to Mariella again - especially since she is claiming that things happened the other way around - that my boyfriend spiked her drink! She even tried filing a police report against him, but the police said there was a lack of evidence to pursue to case! Can you believe her?

I am thinking of starting a rumor that Mariella has a disease "down there", but I am afraid people will think that she got it from my boyfriend or that she gave it to my boyfriend and that now I have it. I have tried looking online for something really crushing to her - like maybe HPV - but the only way I would know that she had that is if I saw it (ewww) or if she gave it to my boyfriend and I saw it on him (no way!). I know you are going to tell me to forgive her and forget it, but this is my boyfriend we are talking about!

Signed,
Disrespected

Dear Disrespected:

I have read through your letter three times, and I am not sure what you are asking me. Are you asking a question or did you just write to me to vent? You are right that I am going to tell you to forgive Mariella, but I will not tell you to forget. Instead, I am going to ask you to listen - to her side of the story, and to what any impartial observers might have to say.

Why are you so quick to defend your boyfriend over your best friend? What kind of hold does this man have over you that you are willing to put your blind faith in him - even after your best friend went to the police and tried to have him charged with raping her? Are you certain that you are reacting as you are out of love for your boyfriend and not out of shame of the idea of him cheating on you?

As you have figured out, you cannot start a rumor about someone without the effects of it rubbing off on you, so I suggest that you drop that idea as quickly as you thought of it.

Although HPV can infect other parts of the body...

 I also suggest you talk to your school guidance counselor about the anger inside of you. You sound like a very hurt and confused young woman, and my heart goes out to you; however, you are going about solving the issue very poorly. A guiding hand from an adult familiar with all involved is your best bet for getting through all of this and moving forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Separated From Wife, Man Wonders If Baby Is Really His

Dear Tazi:

About a year ago, my wife and I separated. We were headed for divorce when she called me out of the blue and asked me to come over so we could try and talk things through. I still loved my wife, in spite of our problems, so I did. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I was hoping it would be a fresh start for the two of us, and it was – six weeks later she told me she was pregnant.

One of the issues in my marriage was that we had been having trouble conceiving, so of course I was thrilled that this hurdle had been overcome…then I noticed that my wife was showing a little too soon, and was carrying a little larger than I thought normal. I started to suspect that the baby was not mine and that my wife had been fooling around with another man. I asked “Wanda” if she was playing me for a fool, and she denied it; acting very hurt and suggesting that I was looking for a way to abandon her during her pregnancy.

My son was born a few weeks early, which has fed my suspicions that he is not mine. Yes, he resembles my side of the family, but he does not completely resemble me. Wanda has always been close to my two brothers and I am starting to suspect that maybe one of them is the father of my child. I am trying to work up the courage to confront them, but every time I reach that point I lose my nerve. I, too, am very close to my brothers and I just can’t believe that one of them would betray me like that…but then I look at my son and I start to wonder all over again. Of the three of us, I am the less attractive brother and I have always wondered why my wife chose me over them. Now I am wondering if she chose both of us.

My wife does not know of my suspicions and she has chalked my moodiness up to being a new parent and not getting enough sleep. My son – if he is mine – doesn’t deserve to be raised in such a stressful environment. I need to know the truth, but how do I find it?

Signed,

Daddy Or Uncle?

Dear Daddy Or Uncle:

Genetics is a crazy thing…we all carry dominant genes that are expressed physically and recessive genes which are part of our makeup but not our physical looks. This is why you and your brothers look different from each other – two of them have one set of genes expressed while you have the other; even though you all have the same parents, you look different because your parents gave each of you a unique combination of genetic material.

It is possible that the recessive genes you carry are being expressed in your son’s physical appearance – which would explain why you see a family resemblance in him, but not an exact resemblance to you. Ponder on this for a while before you make accusations (outward or inward) against your brothers. I suggest that you and your wife seek marital counseling to work on the problems that separated you in the first place. You mention that an inability to conceive was one of the problems, but separating was not the way to solve that issue! Could trust issues be another problem that caused the breakdown of your marital bond? Once you are comfortable discussing things with a counselor, you can bring up your suspicions – if you are still experiencing them; they may only be a part of the insecurity you are feeling about your marriage in general.

In the end, you must remember that the father of your child is the one who raises him; the man who is there to change his diapers and comfort him when he is crying; the man who teaches him how to ride a bike and throw a baseball; the man who instructs him in the rules of good manners and good citizenship. In short, the man who helps him to become a man himself while experiencing the joys of childhood along the way. Do you really want to allow your doubts to take all of that away from you?

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Seeks Guilt-Free Way To Cheat On Her Boyfriend

Dear Tazi:

I have a new co-worker at work and at first I thought he was a real jerk but I have gotten to know him and have discovered that he is actually a nice guy. In fact, he is a very nice guy and I think I am falling for him. I think he might like me, too. The problem is that “Ralph” and I are both in committed relationships. I can’t speak for him, but I know I do not want to give up a solid and certain thing for something that might not work – then I would be left all alone and who wants that?

I am considering asking Ralph if he wants to get together after work for a drink or to watch the game (whatever game is on) or something like that, but even that feels too much like cheating, so I am organizing a karaoke night for me and all of my co-workers; a night to go out after work just us (no partners) so we can blow off some steam at the end of the work week.

Some of my co-workers have complained about not being able to bring a date, while those who are married with kids are looking forward to a night put without their spouses and kids. Ralph is still not certain if he will be going; he says he has to think about it because he would feel badly if he went out and had a good time and left his girlfriend at home alone. I have suggested that she make plans to go out with her friends, but he said it “wasn’t like that” with them. Huh?

I have worked really hard to put this karaoke night together, arranging with the club to have extra staff on to handle the crowd from work and passing the hat to pay for a hot and cold buffet. I have done all of this in the hope of spending some time with Ralph outside of work, and now he might not even come to the karaoke night???? Tazi, can you think of a way to convince Ralph to show up for the party – without his girlfriend? I really need this.

Signed,

Reevaluating My Relationship

Dear Reevaluating My Relationship:

Just because you are reevaluating does not mean that Ralph is, too. It is possible that he enjoys your company as a friend without having a romantic interest in you; it is also possible that he has a mild romantic interest in you, but nothing so pulsating that he would leave the woman he loves to be with you.  Let Ralph be to make up his own mind about whether to attend your karaoke night and then let the chips fall where they may.

Whether you want to admit it or not, your grand scheme for a karaoke night is nothing more than a guilt-free plan to cheat on your boyfriend. I suggest you remove Ralph from the equation and ask yourself if you actually want to stay with your boyfriend or if you are only with him because you are afraid of being alone. If you truly do love your boyfriend, work on your relationship; if you are only with him because there is no alternate to take his place, you need to make a tough decision – recommit to your relationship with your whole heart or leave; leaving things as-is is not going to work because sooner or later you will give in to the urge to cheat – if not with Ralph than the next attraction that comes along.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Spouse Cheats With The Babysitter It Is Time To Divorce

Dear Tazi:

Last night I came home early from work to find my husband of fifteen years in bed with our child’s babysitter. “Fred” was supposed to be at work as well (second shift), thus the need for a babysitter.

We have been having some financial problems lately, and since Fred handles all of the money I just assumed it was because we had overspent our budget or because of the rising cost of food and gasoline. In fact, I have taken to working extra shifts at work (I am a Nurse) to try and earn extra money – something Fred has been encouraging me to do, even though it means I never get to see our daughter during the week. Now I discover that the shortfall wasn’t all that bad and was only made worse because Fred has been taking off of work the nights I work in order to make time with the babysitter after our little girl has been put to bed.

Obviously, I want to file for divorce. I do not even want to hear Fred’s side of the story. My concern is for my daughter, who is only seven years old. I have never been very good at balancing a checkbook and I am not sure I make enough money to support her on my own. I work first shift at the hospital, so I would be able to be there for her after school and my Mom can watch her for an hour or two before school so I can get to work, but what if I have to work overtime? Could I even afford daycare or a babysitter or an afterschool program? My head is spinning! Is leaving Fred even what is going to be best for my baby girl? She woke up this morning and asked where Daddy was, and I told her he picked up an extra shift at work; I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I sent him to a motel.

Signed,

Living In A Waking Nightmare

Dear Living In a Waking Nightmare:

You have my deepest sympathies on this horrible betrayal of trust and fidelity. I realize that you have no interest in hearing Fred’s side of the story, but depending on the age of your daughter’s babysitter the police may be interested in hearing it. If she is under the age of sixteen he has committed statutory rape and could be criminally charged for his odious behavior. I realize this sounds harsh, but in a few short years your daughter will have friends that age. Do you want him preying on those young girls, too?

And you thought she offered adventures in babysitting!

Since your husband is already at a motel he may want to send for his things while you explain to your daughter that her Daddy has behaved badly and is being put in a “time-out”. This gives her the story on a level she can understand; if Fred was messing around with the babysitter for any length of time (and it sounds like he was) your daughter was probably aware of it on some level.

Next, you need to talk to a divorce attorney about your rights and responsibilities (to yourself and your daughter). Your husband may lose custody of your daughter due to his shenanigans with the babysitter but he will still be responsible for paying child support, which will be anywhere from 25% - 33% of his gross weekly earnings. Knowing this should help you to figure a budget and how to live within it. If you are truly that bad at budgeting you may want to invest in the cost of a personal finance class through your local community college or Learning Connection. With bounced check fees being what they are the class will quickly pay for itself in the money a balanced checkbook saves you. You may also want to see a counselor to help you through this difficult emotional period; your health care provider or even someone at work (since you work in a hospital) can probably recommend one.

Only you can decide if leaving your husband is what is best for your daughter, but my personal opinion is that you are doing the right thing. While a two-parent household may be what is best for a child when the parents’ relationship is well-adjusted, I believe a house built on crumbling foundations will only serve to hurt the child’s emotional development. I do believe that it is important that you allow your daughter to maintain a healthy and close relationship with her father, in spite of your differences with him. Just because Fred is a lousy husband does not mean he isn’t a terrific father.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Err Human, To Forgive Divine, But Penance Is Another Story

Dear Tazi:

Several years ago, when I was newly married, I cheated on my husband with the man I had dated before meeting my husband. It was not a one time fling, but it only lasted a couple of months before I came to my senses and ended things. Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant and since I thought it was my boyfriend’s baby (and not my husband) I secretly had an abortion and told my husband it was a miscarriage.

A few years after all of this happened I found God and was saved. I confessed my wrongdoings to God and to my husband, who mercifully decided not to leave me. In return, I have been a devoted wife to him and have not so much as looked at another man in all those years. I am truly penitent for my sins and hold a grateful heart for the second chance I have been given.

I am as open as I can possibly be with my husband, including sharing a personal email account with him so he can see that I am not hiding any secret messages from men. I do have a separate email address for my work; I work from home as a freelancer and keep my business mail separate from my personal mail so I can have a more businesslike email address and a personal sounding email address. I keep a portfolio of my work online with my business email as the contact address.

Last week, a very old boyfriend (not the same one I cheated with) contacted me, telling me he was Googling ex-girlfriends to see what had become of them and he found my portfolio. He complimented my work and told me he was happy for my success. Tazi, I was quite happy to receive his email, not because I have feelings for him (I don’t) but because I was a struggling art student when I dated this man, and he always encouraged me to give up on my dream and pursue “a more realistic goal”. To know that he knows he was wrong and that I am a successful artist was a boost to my pride. I know pride is a sin, but Tazi this man was very cruel to me and I feel that recognition of my success is his penance.

I immediately told my husband that an old boyfriend had contacted me via email, and showed him both the email and my haughty response. My husband flipped out on me, accusing me of contacting old boyfriends behind his back. I told him that was not true and showed him my entire email box. When he suggested that I had deleted my secret emails I showed him my deleted mail, too, but he suggested that I knew he would ask to see them and so I deleted them from my trash bin.

My husband is now demanding complete access to my business email account, saying he cannot trust that I am not up to my “old tricks” again. It has been fifteen years since I cheated, and I thought our marriage was secure and healthy. My husband’s accusations have hurt me deeply, and I would like him to apologize but he has told me that I am the one who wronged him and that this is a part of my penance. Do you think he is being unreasonable, or should I give in to his demands? I would ask the people of our church, but I would rather they not know of my marital spats and deeply embarrassing behaviors that no longer represent the person I am today.

Signed,

Reform Artist

Dear Reform Artist:

So often, the most difficult part of forgiveness is penance for our sins – not only performing that penance, but accepting it as proof of true remorse for hurtful actions. Why you ever told your husband that you cheated on him is something you do not share here, but many social workers believe that sharing hurtful information that would otherwise never be discovered is a way of assuaging our own guilt over our hurtful actions. You need to ask yourself what you hoped to gain by telling your husband you were unfaithful and then lying to him about the true cause of your pregnancy’s termination. Clearing your conscience at the cost of someone else’s well-being is not a very Christina action. While you may have been left to think that your marriage was on solid ground all these years, did you ever stop to think how your husband has felt?

You speak a lot about penance, yet you think that a small loss of privacy is a large enough penance for the sins of adultery and lying, and that shaming someone who did not believe in you as a youth is deserved. Lady, you have a very warped idea of what a just and deserved penance is. It has been decades since your ex-boyfriend told you to give up on your dream, yet you hold onto this slight like it was a precious gem, all the while expecting your husband to forget that you broke your wedding vows within months or even weeks of saying your “I do’s”. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting; it means accepting that people make mistakes yet moving on, and allowing that person to remain in your life.

While I believe that your husband is being unduly harsh with you I think it is in response to your light-handedness of your past behavior. While you deserve a pat on the back for immediately telling your husband about this email – and please tell him that I said that – you should also be willing to give him the password to your business account, on the condition that he does not delete, respond, re-file, or otherwise molest any of your email. I will remind you both that this is a business account; I suggest that you both treat it with the accordant respect. I also suggest that you see a marital counselor to help each of you deal with this unresolved issue.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

One Man's Fantasy Quickly Becomes A Nightmare

Dear Tazi:

I am a horrible, horrible man. I got drunk at a party and cheated on my girlfriend with her twin sister, who I got pregnant. I knew what I was doing so I took advantage of things when her sister came onto me, telling me that she has always wanted me.

After I sobered up I pretended that nothing happened and never told my girlfriend. When her sister told me she was pregnant I congratulated her and asked who the father was, and then acted like I had no clue what she was saying when she said it was mine. She hasn't told her sister yet – she wants me to tell her – but I know if I do I will lose my girlfriend forever.

I have offered to pay for an abortion, but she says she wants to keep the baby and would like me to be an active part of its life. Tazi, I want to eventually marry my girlfriend and this is seriously going to mess up that plan. I am thinking of telling my girlfriend that her sister tricked me while I was drunk and that I thought I was having sex with her (my girlfriend) and not her sister, but I am afraid if I do that she will never speak to her sister again and I don’t want that to happen, either. Can you think of any way out of this problem?

Signed,

Seeing Double

Dear Seeing Double:

If you are immature enough to get so stumbling drunk that you are willing to throw caution to the wind and have (unprotected) sex with someone other than your girlfriend than I think you are a long ways away from being mature enough to get married. What you have done to your girlfriend is despicable and I will not give you my blessing to dump the blame for your actions on her sister. While the pregnant twin is not entirely blameless – she did come onto you with the hope of bedding you – it takes two to tango.

I think the two of you should sit down with your girlfriend and tell her together what you have done. Expect her to be angry, expect her to be hurt, expect her to never want to speak to either of you again…but in time, expect her to want to know WHY the two of you would do such a thing to her! I suggest you start to think long and hard about how to answer any questions she may have for you.

Because there is a child involved – yours – and your girlfriend is going to be an aunt to her (soon to be ex?) boyfriend’s child there is simply no way for all of you to avoid being in each other’s lives, so I suggest that you find an experienced and well-qualified family counselor NOW and work towards working through the anger and the hurt that all of you must be feeling. If your girlfriend refuses to go, go without her and ask her to join you when she feels ready to discuss things.

You are going to have to step up to the plate and be man; you are going to be a father whether you are ready or not. Your child’s mother has asked you to be involved in the baby’s life and although it does not seem like it now, as the years pass I think you will decide that your child is the greatest blessing life could have ever bestowed upon you. Give that child all that it deserves by working to heal the hurts caused by your actions so his/her presence isn’t a constant reminder of questionable behavior.

No Snuggles For You!

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Flirting Cheating? Does It Promise Commitment?

Dear Tazi:

I am both angry and heartbroken right now. I have been in love with a cousin of my friend for several years. We have always flirted with each other, but I now think it meant more to me than it did to him. He was married when I met him, so I kept my distance. When he and his wife split, I decided I would wait a reasonable amount of time after his separation – six months – before asking him on a date. Three months after he moved out of his house he introduced his new girlfriend to his family! He had only met her a few weeks before, so as hurt as I was I didn’t think it would last; that was five years ago.

“Chad” continues to flirt with me when “Katie” is not around, but when she is he completely ignores me. Katie does not like me because she thinks I am after her man. I admit that I come on strong around him, even when she is there, but if only she knew the whole story! The last time I saw Chad, I asked him straight if he was going to leave Katie, like he has been saying he wants to for the past few years. Chad reassured me that he did, but said that he was waiting for Katie to recover from cervical cancer. I loved him even more for his dedication to standing by a woman in sickness, because I thought he would do the same for me.

Katie recently missed an engagement party that Chad and I both attended, and we danced together the entire evening. I found myself imagining that It was our engagement party! When I asked about him and Katie, he told me she was not well enough to attend and thanked me for my concern about her. I was not asking out of concern for her!

A few weeks after the party I saw Chad with Katie at a First Communion party, and she looked fantastic! I overheard her telling the engaged couple that she was sorry that she missed their party but that she was finishing work on her Master’s thesis in preparation for her graduation this summer. I was very surprised to hear that she was finishing a graduate program, especially while she was supposedly so sick, and I asked her about it. She told me that she has been cancer-free for almost a year now, and that she continued to go to school during her illness since chemotherapy was not needed. How sick could she have been???

That afternoon at the party Chad was glued to Katie’s side, looking at her like she was the only woman in the world. The only time he even spoke to me was when he was taking a group picture and asked me to “move into the picture or out of it” since I was halfway out of the camera view. I have never been so hurt! I am disgusted that Chad has lied to me like this, and think I am owed an explanation and the truth about if he is ever going to leave Katie. Where do I go from here, Tazi? I am considering telling Katie everything!

Signed,

Doubly Duped

Dear Doubly Duped:

While I am sorry that your heart is breaking, this is the risk you took by chasing after an unavailable man. I realize that you loved Chad first, but even before he met Katie he was unavailable to you because he was married. If he was truly interested in being with you – and not just looking for a boost to his ego – he would have made his move before meeting Katie. This is a harsh truth you will need to accept.

Unlike most humans, we cats know we are sexy beasts!

You need to ask yourself what telling Katie everything will accomplish. What exactly is “everything”? Have you ever kissed Chad or had any kind of physical contact beyond dancing? Was your flirtation light and playful or full of sexual promises? Some couples do not mind if one partner flirts, so long as they do not cross the line; others consider flirting a form of infidelity. Are you hoping that Katie will consider Chad’s flirting cheating? If you were able to break them up, do you think that Chad will be grateful to you or angry? Be honest with yourself. Furthermore, how will your friend react when she discovers that you are the one who caused trouble in her cousin’s relationship?

Some men enjoy flirting. Just as a woman may be completely committed to her partner, some still find it nice to be complimented by another man – even though they have no intentions of leaving their partner, it is nice to know that others still find them attractive. Since men are generally the aggressors when it comes to asking someone on a date, some will flirt. Even though they have no plans on leaving – or cheating on – their partner, it is still nice to know that they can gain the attention of an attractive woman. [Ed. Note: In the case of a same-sex relationship, change the pronouns accordingly]. It appears that this is what has been happening between you and Chad.

While I personally find Chad’s behavior hurtful – to both you and Katie – I do not think you should sink to his level and attempt to destroy him as he has destroyed you. Instead, take the high road; the next time Chad tries to flirt with you let him know that your time is reserved for men who are serious about you, and not lying flirts. Then, walk away. Until that time, try to find comfort among good friends, sad movies, and a carton of ice cream. My preference is chocolate chip.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. A localized cancer, like cervical cancer, may not always require chemotherapy. That dsoes not, however, mean the cancer is not serious! Shame on you for suggesting that!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Infidelity Takes Many Forms...But Not This One

Dear Tazi:

My husband is a very good looking man, while my looks are merely average. He has aged well, and looks distinguished while I, after four children, have looked better. "Dave" loves me with all his heart, and I know he would never, ever cheat on me, but sometimes I feel like he is straying.

Dave gets hit on a lot by younger women who appreciate his good manners and cultured background. He, in turn, is polite and charming to them, even somewhat flirtatious, but things never go any further than that. He will always end these conversations with a compliment that references me - such as "you remind me of my wife back when we were young" or "as beautiful as you are, no woman could ever compare to my wife". While I am pleased that he is also complimenting me, I am upset that he is calling another woman beautiful - or even having such friendly relations with another woman at all!

I would like to say something to my husband, but I am afraid that he will take things the wrong way - like an accusation of infidelity. However, keeping quiet does nothing to change how I feel about his friendly charm with the ladies. Am I overreacting, Tazi, or are my feelings valid?

Signed,
The Wife

Dear The Wife:

Your feelings are your own, and only you can decide if they are "valid" or not. Do you feel like they are valid? If so, then take action to see that they are addressed by the person who can help you overcome your jealous insecurity - namely, your husband.

Infidelity can take many forms, including emotional infidelity, but I do not think Dave's behavior rises to this level. You think your husband is good-looking because he is the man you love; Dave may not feel the same way; he may feel old and used up, and coaxing an appreciative word or two from a young woman who has expressed interest may be his way of feeling young again.

Some people do not care where the sparks are lit, so long as the fires are stoked at home; others prefer to kindle the flames all on their own. Do you tell Dave how attractive you still find him? Do you passionately kiss him for no reason, or embrace him lovingly? Or have the feelings you have about your own appearance doused the passion you used to express for you man?

I suggest you talk to your husband not about his friendly behavior towards other women, but about your own insecurities and what he can do to help you feel beautiful again. It could be that he thinks he is doing something about it by telling other women that they pale in comparison to his wife. The next time Dave tells a woman that she reminds him of you in your youth, ask him what it is about her that makes him reminisce about you. You may be surprised to discover he holds cherished memories of things you have long since forgotten. A trip down memory lane can rekindle a stalled romance.

If, after all is said and done, you are still uncomfortable with Dave's friendly demeanor you could ask him to tone it down a notch; that you know he would never, ever cheat but that you don't like other women looking at him in the same way you look at him...then give him that come hither look and see where it takes you!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.