Sexless Marriage Can Only Be Endured For So Long

I will cut right to the chase. I am a high ranking police officer and a Deacon in my church. I have spent my life upholding the laws of man and the laws of God, but I now find myself tempted to break the latter.

I have been married for twenty years and during that time my wife and I have only had sex a handful of times. “Joyce” was saving herself for marriage when we met, which was once of the things that attracted me to her. It was not until our honeymoon that she told me she believed sex should be for procreation only, and that she was not ovulating that week. I’ll leave you to figure out the details. As disappointed as I was to find this out, I had just taken my marriage vows! I thought Joyce was just a scared newlywed and that things would change. They did not. Joyce and I have three children, all grown, and let me tell you, Joyce was pretty accurate about when she was ovulating, so it has been a very frustrating twenty years. My youngest child is graduating high school this year, and my plan was to retire from the police force and find myself a cozy bachelor apartment. I was not planning on divorcing Joyce – I intended to honor my wedding vows – I figured we would just live separate lives. That was until I discovered “Veronica”.

Veronica is the new Receptionist at my church office. She and I work closely together because I am often in there on church business. At first I thought she was a nice lady, pleasant enough to be a Receptionist but nothing more. Then I got to know her and found out she is recently divorced and going to school to become a Nurse, working as a Receptionist to pay the bills that the alimony does not. Like me, she was married to someone who felt sex was a sin it was not procreational, only her case is a bit different because she got married in her mid-thirties and found out she was infertile after only two years of being married. For the first time in my life I feel like I have met a woman who understands me, and Veronica and I have become quite close.

Don’t misunderstand me, Tazi, I’ve had my share of women hitting on me; but I have always honored my vows, out of respect for my wife and kids and respect for my God and church. Now things feel different, since I was planning on going solo for my remaining years. Normally, I would talk to my pastor about my problems but this is just a little too cozy for comfort. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
The Captain
Dear Captain:

I think you should have sought marriage counseling several years ago. Since that ship has sailed, I think you need to consider Veronica’s position. She is a Receptionist, a low-ranking position in the church; you are a Deacon, a person of higher rank and respect; as well as a ranking police officer, also a person of power and respect. You have not mentioned if Veronica has expressed interest in you or if you have mentioned your interest in her, but you put her in a difficult position.

If you were to leave your wife to be with Veronica, who do you think is going to bear the brunt of the blame? Tongues will most definitely be wagging, and unless you want to violate your wife’s privacy those tongues are going to be calling Veronica a Jezebel! Furthermore, if Veronica does not have romantic feelings for you she may be hesitant to say anything for fear of losing her job, being harassed in the community by your brothers in blue, or suffering employment discrimination down the road (police and hospitals work closely together).

It does not sound like Veronica has been divorced for very long, and it does sound like she is concentrating on improving her life – starting with her return to school and working for the means to pay for it. Nursing school is extremely demanding and the stresses of a normal relationship can be enough to drive one to distraction, lest the relationship unravel and fail. The relationship you seek to start with Veronica cannot be considered “normal” under the circumstances and would be doomed to difficulty even if she was not in school.

Since you were planning on moving out of your family home and into a “bachelor apartment” before you met Veronica, I suggest you stay that course. Perhaps a separation is what you and your wife both need in order to clear the air between the two of you. Should you decide to remain separated, I would suggest a legal separation over a divorce with consideration for your status in the Church. People rarely take it well when their religious leaders go through a divorce and want to know the details as to why it is happening. Once separated, I think your sex life should be an issue between you and your conscience – I am not going to judge you; but I am not comfortable advising you, either.

If after an appropriate amount of time has passed you still seek to court Veronica, make it abundantly clear to all that it is you who sought her, not the other way around. Whether you realize it or not, you hold much of the power in this situation, and could do a lot of harm to the reputations of both your wife and Veronica if you do not consider things from their point of view.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Bad Girl" Past Haunts This Good Woman's Present

Dear Tazi:

Growing up, I was a “bad girl”. I lost my virginity at the age of 12, and was never without a boyfriend thereafter – even if the “relationship” was nothing more than a series of booty calls. I cleaned up my act during my senior year of college, when I met the man who is now my husband, “Daryl”.

Daryl was the first man who had ever turned down my advances for sex, and instead asked me why I felt the need to sleep with men in order to gain their love. I could see he was completely disgusted with who I was, but I was infatuated with him nonetheless and pursued a friendship by showing up at his church to attend mass every Sunday. It was during this pursuit of Daryl that I honestly found God and sought to change my ways. Seeing the change in my attitude was an honest one and not just a ploy for his attentions, Daryl and I started dating and were married after my graduation. That was twenty years ago, and life has been wonderful ever since.

After we got married, I left my old life behind me – literally. Daryl and I moved back to his Bible Belt hometown, where I am now the mother of his two children; a PTA Mom; and a Sunday school teacher. Nobody in my new life knows about my past, and Daryl is fine with my desire to keep it all a big secret. He tells me that my past behavior does not concern him, just my present and future behavior.

My problem is that, at the request of my children, I started a family Facebook page. On our page are updates about the kids’ schoolwork, my work with the church, and Daryl’s job. We post pictures and have generally been having a great time with it. I did not post my maiden name anywhere on the page, so it never occurred to me that people from my past might find me – but several of them have.

My old friends from college remember Daryl and while searching for him on Facebook found the family page I created – along with all the details of who I am now, and have been for the past twenty-one years. Several of these people have sent friend requests that I have ignored because I am afraid to answer them. These are people who remember the old me, and I would rather my children and my community not hear stories of who I once was or, even worse, see pictures of the things I used to do during my bad girl days.

I have set my privacy settings so that people cannot “tag” me in pictures without my permission, and I am just hoping that any old pictures of me that are posted are not seen by anyone from my current life. Do you think starting this Facebook page was a mistake? If I decide to get rid of it, how should I explain my decision to my children? Is my sordid past always going to haunt me, or do you think the new leaf I have turned over will outweigh the past I am seeking to erase?

Signed,
Sinner Been Saved

Dear Sinner Been Saved:

I have figured out the timeline from the information you gave me, and it sounds like you came of age during the early 1980’s – a time when the 1970’s free-love movement was just ending as the era of condoms, STD’s and AIDS began. While this could partially explain your wild child behavior, I get the impression that the reasons for it are much more deep rooted than the cultural mores of the time. Judging from your complete and total turn-around, I believe that whatever the issues you had as a child they have been resolved as an adult – and that is the key factor in this matter: you were a child when you lived the role of the “bad girl”. You were a newly minted adult when you made the conscious decision to turn your life around and dedicate yourself to a new path.

The time you have spent as a wife, PTA Mom, and a Sunday school teacher is more than double the time you spent as a “bad girl”, so please remind yourself of that fact when the stress of your past threatens to derail your current sense of serenity. Although you will never be able to outrun your past, try to remember that you are not the only person who has changed. The class valedictorian who was going to take on the world is probably a stay-at-home-mom with five kids; the peace-loving hippie might be a Wall Street trader; and your old friend are all probably recovering “bad” girls and boys themselves who would be just as mortified if old pictures of them found their way onto the Internet. Since you made your transformation from “bad girl” to “Saved Sinner” during your senior year of college, the dramatic change in you should not come as any surprise to these people.

If the people who have sent you Facebook requests are people with whom you honestly want to reconnect then by all means accept their friend requests, and for your own piece of mind send them a private message asking them not to reveal the gory details of your past, as they can see that you have long since left that life behind. On the other hand, if these people from your past are people you are content to leave there you are under no obligation to accept their friend requests.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Churchgoer Is Generous With Money; Not So Much With Spirit

Dear Tazi:

I am a daily churchgoer who tithes (yes, we are out there in this hedonistic society!). Each month, I send a check for 10% of my gross income directly to my church. I believe the money I donate is between me, God, and the parish bookkeeper. However, at weekend masses when the collection basket is passed, I would swear the other parishioners are giving me dirty looks because I do not put in any money. These are the same people who arrive at mass late, leave early, and live sinful lives the rest of the week! I will not be judged by such hypocrites, and want to say or do something to let them know that their disdain is sorely misplaced; however, I am not comfortable saying something during mass, and like I said they leave early so I cannot approach them after the mass.

I have considered putting an empty envelope in the basket each week, just for show, but I fear that would be a show of pride, something the Bible teaches against. I would talk to the pastor but I am afraid I might sound petty, even though I do not feel as though I am being petty. My reputation is being sullied, and I want to set the record straight. I have asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" but am uncertain of the answer, so now I am asking you.

Signed,
Monthly Giver

Dear Monthly Giver:

You want to know "What would Tazi-Kat do?" I feel so appreciated! I might have to make this my new slogan. To answer your question of what I would do, I would do nothing. No, check that...I would follow the advice of the gospel of Matthew, 7:5: "First cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye" (KJV).

Check your pride at the door, please...

Perhaps others at mass are throwing dirty looks your way, or perhaps it is your imagination. What concerns me more is your statement that you believe your financial contribution to your church is between you, your God, and "the parish bookkeeper", yet you seek to let others know just how often you give, if not how much as well. To reference the gospel of Matthew again (6:5): "And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men..." (KJV).

While your attendance record at mass and your generosity of wallet are admirable you appear to lack a generosity of the spirit, referring to those you assume are judging you as "hypocrites" who "lead sinful lives", on top of your blanket statement about our "hedonistic society". Are you not a sinner, too? I am reminded of yet another passage from our friend Matthew (7:1) "Judge not, that you be not judged." (KJV).

If, after reflecting on your own behaviors and attitudes you are still bothered by what you perceive to be dirty looks (real or imagined), I suggest that you deposit your check in the collection basket once a month (or on a weekly basis) rather than send it directly to the parish offices - just be sure to explain the reason for the change to your pastor. He is, after all, the leader of the congregation and he has a right to know if you are being made to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps this is an issue he or she can address in a sermons.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Girlfriend Is "Too Hands On" For Her Partner

Dear Tazi:

I have been with my "lady friend" for several years now, and I enjoy her company. Although I can never marry her (I am legally separated but not divorced) I have no plans on leaving her for another woman - least of all my legal wife, whom I remain married to for financial reasons - and "Leona" says that she understands this and is content with our arrangement so long as I remain faithful to her.

My problem is that Leona does not seem to trust me around other women. If another woman so much as looks at me - for whatever reason - Leona will put her arm around me, nuzzle my neck, whisper in my hear, or grab my behind; basically claiming her territory. This behavior is embarrassing enough at parties and other social gatherings, but it is downright aggravating when it happens in line at the grocery store (Leona swears the cashier has a crush on me). The worst is when Leona starts pawing me in church.

There is a woman who goes to the same mass as me and I have a long but platonic history with her. She went to high school with my youngest sister and was even in her wedding party, which is how my family and I got to know her outside of church. My mother has always adored "Katrina" and her fondness shows. Mom made the mistake of giving Katrina a hug one morning after mass and asking about her relationship status within sight of Leona. This convinced Leona that my mother wants to push her out of my life in order to set her up with Katrina. Since that day (three years ago) Leona has made a point of draping herself all over me whenever she sees Katrina at mass.

Because Katrina sits in the choir, she sits off to the side of the main church and has a full view of the congregation. I know she sees Leona acting far too hands on for church (especially during the sign of peace) because she will rapidly look away, like she is embarrassed at witnessing a private moment, as soon as she sees Leona lick my ear or nibble my fingers. Leona is convinced that Katrina is starting at me (why else would she suddenly look away?) and uses this logic to further her physical attentions to me. I don't think Katrina is looking at us on purpose; I think it is just that we sit in her field of vision.

In order to accommodate Leona's insecurity I suggested we move to a different seat, which worked for a short while - until the ceiling over the choir's nook collapsed and they had to move to the other side of the church. Now Leona and I are once again in the direct view of Katrina and Leona's machinations are getting worse - so much so that the Pastor drew us aside after mass and asked us to conduct ourselves with "decorum appropriate to the venue". I was humiliated! Even worse, so was my mother.

Leona is now refusing to attend mass with me, saying she feels unwelcome. This is fine with me, since I am not at all comfortable with her behavior, but she wants me to stop attending mass, too, or at least switch parishes or masses. Tazi, I know this sounds like a small request, but isn't to me. I have been attending the same mass at the same church for more than 20 years and I enjoy the familiarity. I have gotten to know the people who attend this mass, which makes the celebration of mass more fulfilling to me. Plus the thought of not being able to see my friend Katrina does sadden me. Just because there is nothing romantic going on between us does not mean that I do not appreciate and enjoy her friendship. I know it sounds like I am trying to have it all - and maybe I am - but is it all too much to ask?

Signed,
Wanting It All

P.S. I forgot to mention that Leona is several years younger than Katrina, who is ten years younger than me. Something tells me this may have something to do with my problem.

Dear Wanting It All:

If Leona is several years younger than Katrina, who is ten years younger than you, I am going to do the math and figure that there is a 15 - 20 year age difference between you and Leona, which could explain why she is acting so immature - it is because she is immature.

Leona's draping herself all over you at parties can be excused if alcohol is involved and can be understood if a cashier is flirting at you. But mauling you in church because she thinks a woman in the choir is gazing upon you from across the room? As Elvis Presley sang, "We can't go on together with suspicious minds"; this is a point you need to drive home to Leona.

Sparkly white jumpsuit not required!

Why your mother's affection for Katrina should set Leona off in a jealous rage is beyond me...unless there is something else you have failed to mention? Is it possible that Katrina does have a crush on you, and/or you on her? While this does not excuse Leona's behavior in church (nothing does) it may explain it. You need to be honest with yourself in order to be honest with your lady friend.

You briefly mention that you will never be able to marry Leona because you remain legally married for "financial reasons". How does this make Leona feel, that you are choosing to remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of money? Is she truly okay with remaining your girlfriend for the rest of her life or does she hope to someday marry you - with or without the money you would lose if you divorced your wife? What about children - does Leona want any? If so, this relationship is far more complicated than you realize. In your desire to have it all, you may be taking from others.

The time has come for you to have a serious talk with Leona about her insecurity - in general, and especially about Katrina, since her presence in church is driving you out of it. Ask Leona what solid evidence she has that Katrina is interested in you. Tell Leona that you love her, not Katrina, and that her immature behavior is upsetting you; that such physical expressions of affection are best expressed during private moments, not as witness to the entire church and community. Most importantly, ask Leona if she is happy with your current arrangement. It could be that in the "several years" since you started dating her wants and needs have changed, and her overbearing jealousy is her way of expressing this.

If you wish to continue going to the same church and the same mass as you have always attended, then do it. Leona has no right to dictate your religious observances. The same goes for your choice of friendships. If you wish to remain in contact with Katrina, Leona will have to learn to live with this if she cannot learn to like her. Nobody has the right to dictate whom their partners can have as friends.

Snuggles,
Tazi








Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.