Sexless Marriage Can Only Be Endured For So Long

I will cut right to the chase. I am a high ranking police officer and a Deacon in my church. I have spent my life upholding the laws of man and the laws of God, but I now find myself tempted to break the latter.

I have been married for twenty years and during that time my wife and I have only had sex a handful of times. “Joyce” was saving herself for marriage when we met, which was once of the things that attracted me to her. It was not until our honeymoon that she told me she believed sex should be for procreation only, and that she was not ovulating that week. I’ll leave you to figure out the details. As disappointed as I was to find this out, I had just taken my marriage vows! I thought Joyce was just a scared newlywed and that things would change. They did not. Joyce and I have three children, all grown, and let me tell you, Joyce was pretty accurate about when she was ovulating, so it has been a very frustrating twenty years. My youngest child is graduating high school this year, and my plan was to retire from the police force and find myself a cozy bachelor apartment. I was not planning on divorcing Joyce – I intended to honor my wedding vows – I figured we would just live separate lives. That was until I discovered “Veronica”.

Veronica is the new Receptionist at my church office. She and I work closely together because I am often in there on church business. At first I thought she was a nice lady, pleasant enough to be a Receptionist but nothing more. Then I got to know her and found out she is recently divorced and going to school to become a Nurse, working as a Receptionist to pay the bills that the alimony does not. Like me, she was married to someone who felt sex was a sin it was not procreational, only her case is a bit different because she got married in her mid-thirties and found out she was infertile after only two years of being married. For the first time in my life I feel like I have met a woman who understands me, and Veronica and I have become quite close.

Don’t misunderstand me, Tazi, I’ve had my share of women hitting on me; but I have always honored my vows, out of respect for my wife and kids and respect for my God and church. Now things feel different, since I was planning on going solo for my remaining years. Normally, I would talk to my pastor about my problems but this is just a little too cozy for comfort. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
The Captain
Dear Captain:

I think you should have sought marriage counseling several years ago. Since that ship has sailed, I think you need to consider Veronica’s position. She is a Receptionist, a low-ranking position in the church; you are a Deacon, a person of higher rank and respect; as well as a ranking police officer, also a person of power and respect. You have not mentioned if Veronica has expressed interest in you or if you have mentioned your interest in her, but you put her in a difficult position.

If you were to leave your wife to be with Veronica, who do you think is going to bear the brunt of the blame? Tongues will most definitely be wagging, and unless you want to violate your wife’s privacy those tongues are going to be calling Veronica a Jezebel! Furthermore, if Veronica does not have romantic feelings for you she may be hesitant to say anything for fear of losing her job, being harassed in the community by your brothers in blue, or suffering employment discrimination down the road (police and hospitals work closely together).

It does not sound like Veronica has been divorced for very long, and it does sound like she is concentrating on improving her life – starting with her return to school and working for the means to pay for it. Nursing school is extremely demanding and the stresses of a normal relationship can be enough to drive one to distraction, lest the relationship unravel and fail. The relationship you seek to start with Veronica cannot be considered “normal” under the circumstances and would be doomed to difficulty even if she was not in school.

Since you were planning on moving out of your family home and into a “bachelor apartment” before you met Veronica, I suggest you stay that course. Perhaps a separation is what you and your wife both need in order to clear the air between the two of you. Should you decide to remain separated, I would suggest a legal separation over a divorce with consideration for your status in the Church. People rarely take it well when their religious leaders go through a divorce and want to know the details as to why it is happening. Once separated, I think your sex life should be an issue between you and your conscience – I am not going to judge you; but I am not comfortable advising you, either.

If after an appropriate amount of time has passed you still seek to court Veronica, make it abundantly clear to all that it is you who sought her, not the other way around. Whether you realize it or not, you hold much of the power in this situation, and could do a lot of harm to the reputations of both your wife and Veronica if you do not consider things from their point of view.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Is Falling In Love With The Wrong Wife

Dear Tazi:

I have a huge problem. I know you hear that a lot, but I am pretty sure mine is the worst. I am in love with my sister-in-law. The worst part is that I am a married man.

My mother has been sick for quite some time, and my brother’s wife “Sally” has been helping to care for her. My days off are during the week, so I have been stopping by to visit Mom on my days off while everyone else goes on the weekends; because of this, I have been able to spend a lot of time with Sally, just the two of us, since Mom sleeps a lot. Usually Sally takes this time to prepare and freeze meals for Mom, clean the house, do the laundry, and all the other things that Mom cannot do for herself and that other family members have not bothered to help doing.

At first, when I saw all that Sally did I asked my wife if she could pitch in and take a load off Sally but she simply replied that Sally does not have children to look after like we do, so Sally should take on the extra chores to assist with Mom’s care. I was really upset by my wife’s attitude – it’s not just about Sally, it’s about my MOM, too! Seeing how Sally was overworked, I offered to start helping her with the chores myself.

Watching Sally selflessly assist my mother, I could not help but compare her attitude with my wife’s. I know it’s wrong to do that, but I couldn’t help but think Sally the better person. I have gotten quite close to Sally over these past several months, and have learned that she and my brother never had children is because she had cancer as a child and the treatments left her sterile. She told me she has filled the void by volunteering with homeless children. Could this woman get any more selfless???

Through all of this my brother made a really boneheaded move and started looking through the online personal ads because he felt ‘lonely” and felt that Sally was giving all of her attention to Mom and not enough to him. Poor Sally was humiliated when one of her single friends saw her husband’s profile online and told her all about it. Sally told me this one afternoon while Mom was napping, and told me she was thinking of leaving my brother but she didn’t want to upset Mom in her fragile condition.

Tazi, I told Sally I would talk to my brother and asked her to give her marriage another chance. I know this sounds selfless, but I only did it because I couldn’t bear the thought of Sally disappearing from my life. So, to summarize: my wife is selfish and self-centered, my brother is looking to cheat on his wife while she is caring for our mother (who will probably pass away shortly), and I have fallen in love with my sister-in-law who I convinced to stay with my cheating brother because I was afraid I would never see her again if they divorced. Am I a horrible man?

Signed,

In Love With The Wrong Woman

Dear In Love With The Wrong Woman:

You are not a horrible man. Since that is the only question you asked of me, I suppose I could end my answer here but the length of your missive tells me there is more on your mind than just this question. I think your feelings for your sister-in-law are perfectly natural, given the circumstances, and would probably not have developed – or developed so strongly – under normal circumstances.

Having an ill parent can put a lot of stress on anybody; being the one to care for that ill parent is an added dose of stress, so I can see why your wife is hesitant to want to assist with your mother’s care in addition to caring for your own household. She sounds bitter over the fact that Sally never had children. Considering that you only just discovered the reason why, could your wife be thinking that Sally is the selfish one who is not trying to compensate for it?

Hmmm...this joke won't work! I believe they sang "take a load off Annie..."

While it is nice that you are helping Sally with the house chores, I believe that an equal effort should be made by all family members. If your brother went over to assist Sally with his mother’s care he would not have time to peruse the personal ads and complain that he is “lonely”. If you talk to your brother – as you told Sally you would – you might want to point this out to him.

It is beautiful that you have a close relationship with your sister-in-law, so I suggest you re-examine your feelings for her. Ask yourself why you never felt this way before your mother got sick and if you will still feel this way once things return to normal. Remind yourself of all the things you love about your wife and what makes her a wonderful, selfless woman, too. If you feel comfortable doing so, talk to a counselor or your clergyperson about your conflicting emotions, and for now at least make sure you are never alone with Sally; it will make temptation easier to resist.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.