"Creeper" Needs To Crawl Back Under His Rock

Dear Tazi:

Here is my issue. I am single woman who has never been in a relationship. Right now in my life I do not want one. I am 22 and in college, working towards a successful career. I plan on going to graduate school and have no desire to date or be in a relationship. However, that does not stop the creepers from being attracted to me. It seems that any one who is interested in me is either a loser, a creeper, or married.

I have this one married guy who seems to be very interested in me. I have known him for about 5 years and only within the past year figured out he was married. The only reason why I figured it out was through Facebook. I see "Seymour" about once a year because we both volunteer at the same annual event. I will admit that we have has a flirtatious relationship, but I would never act on it. I figured it was a joke. Now though, I think he has a different idea. He texted me a month after the event saying how I was "a severe temptation" and that he "has to be good around me". I am not sure what Seymour means, but it was clear that he was not joking. Now he has been poking me on Facebook. I think I made a mistake by poking him back and continued to poke him back.

Tazi, I do not know what to do. Seymour is married and regardless I would not pursue anything with him. My fear is that next year at our volunteer event things are going to be wicked AWKWARD. Any suggestion on what I can do to stop attracting the creepers and not make things awkward with married guy?

Signed,
Fish Out Of Water

Dear Fish Out Of Water:

It is fun to flirt, isn't it? I love flirting with the visitors that enter my home! I will pretend to be shy, just to watch them bend over backwards to get my attention! Everyone loves attention, so I can understand why you would playfully flirt with someone that did not interest you - no harm, no foul; right?

Potential relationships can be scary for anyone, but especially for the uninitiated. Paws up to you for concentrating on your education and putting your career training ahead of boys; but it appears this has left you with a lack of experience in dealing with the laws of attraction. Rule #1 is that the less available someone is, the more attractive they become. Because Seymour sees you as a forbidden fruit you are all the sweeter to him - thus the comment that you are "a severe temptation". I am not saying that if he were single he would not find you attractive; just that he would not be acting like a creeper. And that is the issue at hand, isn't it? If Seymour continued to act like a gentleman, would you feel more comfortable around him?

The first step to stopping the creepy behavior is to stop poking him - this will prevent him from poking you back. Is it possible to dismiss a poke without poking someone back? If so, try doing this. If Seymour continues to try and poke you, continue to ignore the pokes. Unless he is a complete dunce, he should get the message.

As for how to avoid the awkwardness at your next annual event: You do not say when it is or how much time will pass before you see Seymour at this event; but perhaps time will heal the awkwardness. If that is not possible, please do not ignore the proverbial elephant in the room. If you see him, you can laughingly say "POKE!" to break the ice. If he responds, take the opportunity to tell him that you are glad that there are "no hard feelings about any misunderstanding that may have occurred". If he asks for details, simply say that you felt he may have taken your harmless flirtation the wrong way. If he still tries to push for details, just say "I think I hear your wife calling for you" and walk away.

As for how to prevent creepers in the future; there is no one easy answer. A friendly, simple, "I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not interested in you" will get the point across nicely. It may be blunt, but creepers will not understand subtlety. If they continue trying, simply repeat the above line, word for word. Creepers thrive on drama, and if you give it to them they will be back for more. Nothing is more boring to a creeper than hearing the same, even-toned reaction over and over again.

Good luck in graduate school and in your future career!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Have you "Liked" me on Facebook yet? Check me out at www.facebook.com/AskTazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #39 - Social Media Does Not Excuse Bad Manners Or Other Indiscresions

Dear  Readers,

This week, while perusing the social media sites, I have seen everything from a video of a man in his early twenties singing about how much he loves to smoke pot to a comment from a woman of similar age making threats against those who would “aggravate” her. A little deeper digging showed that each of these people seeks to work in positions of the public trust – police work and as a medical provider. Do you think either of them would stand a chance of getting a job in either field if this information showed up on a pre-employment media search? Do you think either of these people would be proud to hear that their mothers-in-law viewed this information? I can just see it now!

“My, Sparky, I am so proud of you! That chant about how much you love to smoke pot was truly inspiring! Now, about that inheritance I was planning on leaving you…”

“Griselda, with that temper you would make a wonderful match for my son! A mentally and emotionally abusive wife is exactly what he needs!”

Social Media does not make you special. Announcing through your Facebook or Twitter feed that you are in a bad mood so people should just lay-off or look out does not give you the right to address someone with a stream of expletives and then expect them to let it go without apology because, after all, you did warn them on Facebook! Singing about how much you love to smoke pot will not make you immune to drug laws; rather, it will probably expedite your prosecution for possession of a controlled substance! Being a member of any interactive society – in person or online – requires that certain protocols be observed. Among dogs and cats, a certain amount of ass-sniffing is required; among humans the expectations of basic courtesy and abidance of the law are the norm. While, judging by the populations of inmates vs. free citizens, most laws are still being followed, but the rule of common courtesy for all has fallen by the wayside.

Although I have not done any research into the actual topic, I am certain that most humans do not want their butts sniffed. So why would they act like a dog in other ways, barking to show people how tough they really aren’t? It is not the barking dog that you must fear, but the silent, snarling dog that bares its teeth. In a human sense, announcing that you are in a bad mood and telling people off with expletives does nothing but show the world that you are at best a tiny little person, incapable of socializing with others; at worst, mentally unstable. In the animal world, you would be judged a menace to society and “put to sleep”. What would happen in the human world? What would happen, indeed…?

More and more social media is becoming the yardstick by which a person is measured. Your LinkedIn profile is not the only online presence that potential employers can see; they find ways to access a person’s Facebook page, Twitter feed, and Instagram pages. You may sign a contract insisting that you will obey your employer’s drug-free office policy, but that picture of you smoking a joint speaks louder than your pledge to eschew illegal substances; if you call in sick to work on Monday, make sure that nobody has posted pictures of you partying like a rock star all weekend. Although we do not have much control over what other people post, we do have control over what we post – including the language we choose to use when posting.

Adulthood 101 teaches that this is a bad idea!

Potential employers are not the only ones watching what it posted to social media feeds. Friends, family, future business contacts, loved ones, and people we don’t even realize are watching can see what is posted to our social media sites. Is your site representing you as you would like to be seen? Did you inadvertently tell off your husband's favorite cousin with your blanket "Leave me the $%# alone" status update? Or worse, the sister-in-law you fought with last week?

The errors of youth are commonplace and practically universal, but there was a time before social media when these errors could be buried in the past. Now, with the ever-advancing means of social media, these follies are also being committed by people who are old enough to know better - and are being permanently preserved. Is this what you would like to leave for posterity? Think before you post...and remember your manners. Just because you are posting on a social media site is no excuse for acting like a putz.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Talking To An Ex The Same As Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

My girlfriend is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is truly the type of woman that other guys remember as "the one that got away". Knowing this, I will admit that I can act a little insecure sometimes; but I think I am right on the point I want to make to her.

"Amy" does not realize how beautiful she is, or how outgoing she can be with people. Sometimes an old boyfriend will find her on Facebook and try to start up a conversation with her, either through wall posts or email. I have her password, and have seen these emails on occasion while checking her account for her (per her request; she cannot always get on the Internet at work). Her comments and messages to these guys are always polite and friendly, but I am bothered by the fact that she never mentions me. I feel like she is trying to keep me a secret from her ex-boyfriends and I think this is tantamount to cheating.

I would like to say something to Amy regarding these emails and comments, but I do not want it to sound like I don't trust her. I simply want to know point-blank if she is planning on leaving me should the right ex-boyfriend come along. How do you think I should phrase this? Is there a way to start this conversation that will not come off as accusatory?

Signed,
Mike

Dear Mike:

You write that you believe her lack of comments about you to her old boyfriends is "tantamount to cheating" but then say that you "don't want to come off as accusatory". Well, which is it? To say you see an innocent email conversation as a form of cheating is rather accusatory, especially since these emails are coming to an account that she knows you can check. Are you certain you have not overstepped the bounds of Amy's trust in you?

Obviously, you have read the emails Amy has sent and received to/from her old boyfriends and they must be pretty benign if you have not said anything to her already. Some people are not comfortable talking about a "current" with an ex, just as some people are not comfortable talking about an ex with their current partner. The beauty of Facebook (in this situation) is that much of your life's details are visible on your personal page - including your relationship status and the length of your relationship, should you choose to add that information.

It is possible that Amy did not feel it necessary to mention that she was "In a relationship" because this information is prominently posted on her Facebook page, complete with a link to your Facebook page, should you have one. To beat that dead horse might be taken as an insult by her old boyfriend, who himself might be in a serious relationship and honestly interested in catching up with an old friend, as happens frequently through Facebook.

I believe that you are making mountains out of molehills. Amy trusts you enough to allow you to read her personal email. If there was anything in there that she did not want you to see, she would not be letting you in there. From the volume of email I receive on the subject, I would say that Facebook causes enough relationship issues already. Please do not go borrowing trouble, or you may find your girlfriend leaving you for entirely different reasons than you fear.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Attractive Daughter Receiving More Attention Than Dad Would Like

Dear Tazi:

I am the father of a very attractive, very well-developed 16-year-old girl. As if my daughter's stunning good looks were not enough to worry me, she is also very popular due to her sweet personality and the many extra-curricular activities in which she participates in and out of school.

Her mother and I have worked to raise her right, and keep her on a moral path; and thus far, I'd like to think we have done a good job. My concern is her social networking habits. "Staci" has a habit of Facebook friending everyone she has ever met, and encourages people to "follow" her on Twitter. Even though she does not post too much personal information to these sites, she is fond of posting pictures of the many events she attends - school dances, football games, work sites for Habitat for Humanity (she volunteers with them one weekend a month). These pictures - aside from providing a permanent online record - give people details as to her whereabouts, making it easy for her to be found when she is offline.

As far as I am concerned, inviting someone to "follow" you is an open invitation to stalk you, and I am concerned that some of the boys she has "friended" are starting to do just that. In particular, one young man that she met at the beach this summer has shown up at every one of her school's events, and is now volunteering for Habitat. Although I admire his school spirit and commitment to helping those in need, I cannot help but think his motives have more to do with dating my daughter than with improving his chances of getting into a good college.

Staci's Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and has pointed out that our daughter is a very responsible young woman with admirable Internet habits. She has never given us an ounce of trouble; but it is not my daughter's behavior that concerns me - it is that of those who follow her, online and in person. Staci has a close (male) friend who she has known since babyhood and that I trust implicitly. She is like a little sister to him, and I would like to ask him to keep an eye on my daughter, and on those who are keeping their eyes on her. Would this request be unreasonable?

Signed,
Overprotective Dad?

Dear Overprotective Dad?:

First let me say that your daughter is a lucky young woman to have two such caring parents that balance each other so well. Keep up the good work!

I also have to say that your comment that inviting people to follow you on Twitter is an open invitation to stalk you is a bit extreme, especially since your daughter's postings seem pretty innocuous. [Ed. Note: The writer included a link to his daughter's social networking pages]. She is not updating her status every time she leaves a room, so it would be pretty difficult for someone to stalk her, considering she only updates her status twice a day (on average). Someone who is merely smitten with your daughter would probably be content to sigh over such postings; but a stalker would definitely seek more, and such behavior would be quite noticeable.

With regard to the boy who has suddenly developed a social conscience and a sense of school spirit, so long as his behavior does not escalate - and he is actively participating in the events and projects for which he has signed up - I see no problem with his intentions. Many men have gone to extremes in their attempts to court a lady; so be glad that this young man's attempts are resulting in a greater good.

As for asking your daughter's platonic male friend act as her bodyguard, this may not be necessary. If he looks upon your daughter like he would a "little sister" you can be certain that he is already keeping an eye on Staci, and on those who are keeping eyes on her. There is no need to formally request such protection.

Is An Online Affair Still Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

I feel like an idiot. I feel like I have been used. Worst of all, I feel like I have nobody to blame but myself. I know how you think that Facebook causes more relationship problems than any other social networking site, and you can add my story to that file.

I started dating "John" online about six months ago. (I have already changed his name, so please do not change it for me). He is an old friend that I found on Facebook, someone I have always crushed on. I saw from his page that he had a girlfriend and that they have been together for years so I asked him why they never got married and he told me it was because she was not ready. He did not offer any other explanation. At the time, he and his girl were going through a rough patch, and we started flirting online. I sent him some naughty pictures of myself, and he really seemed to like them so I sent him some more, figuring that sooner or later he and his girl would be breaking up and I would finally get a chance to date him in person.

This week, I went to John's girl's Facebook page because I saw on his page that she had tagged him in her status update. Her page isn't private, so I was able to see everything - pictures of them together, smiling and happy; love notes from him to her; and something that really steamed me, the status update where she tagged him. They had just returned from a romantic vacation to New England and she was bragging about how romantic he was. They did not look like a couple that was about to break up anytime soon.

I emailed John asking for an explanation, wanting to know why he went away on vacation with his girlfriend if things were so bad between them. He denied ever wanting to break up with her; said the "rough patch" only lasted a few weeks; and that he was an idiot to ever confide in me since it was obvious I took things the wrong way.

I want to send an email to John's girl (her address is listed on her Facebook profile) and tell her what a lying cheat her boyfriend really is, but I don't know if this will help or hurt my chances with John. What do you think I should do, Tazi? I know how you think honesty is the best policy. Should I be the bearer of bad news?

Signed,
Still Wanting Him

Dear Still Wanting Him:

You mention that you have been in an online relationship with John for six months. The fact that this relationship was a virtual one means it was never consummated, which means that as despicable as John's behavior was (accepting nude photos of another woman) it does not quite rise to the level of cheating, at least not in my book. What you have had with John is an affair of the heart, and from the sound of things it was pretty one sided. From what you write, it sounds to me like John is perfectly content to be with his current partner.

You ask me if it would be okay to email a woman you have never met - through Facebook - and tell her that her boyfriend of several years is a liar and a cheat. I think this is quite possibly the worst idea I have ever heard - even worse than the woman who wanted to marry a prison inmate. Here are the facts of the matter at hand:

1. John's girlfriend does not know you. Unless you have solid proof of illicit intentions - emails from John professing his feelings, naughty pictures of him, or anything even remotely questionable - this woman will have zero reason to believe you over John.

2. You say that John is an old friend that you have always "crushed on". Is this really how you want to treat an old friend? Yes, John was wrong to encourage you to send further nude photos of yourself, but you have to remember that the initial batch was sent unsolicited. It was you who pursued what you saw as an opportunity, not the other way around.

3. John does not sound interested in you as it is. Do you think destroying his relationship with a woman he obviously loves is going to improve your chances of landing him? If you answered "yes" to that question, slap yourself for me - it was rhetorical, and the answer is "no"!


I am getting a lot of mileage out of this pic lately!

I have re-read your letter a couple of times now, and from what you write it appears that all John is guilty of is grossly bad judgement in allowing an online flirtation to escalate. Since I know of very few men that would say no to receiving nude pictures of an attractive woman, I have to give John a pass on this one, regardless of my personal feelings on this matter. In my opinion, John has not cheated and any lies he has told have been lies of omission - because let's face it, what man is going to tell his girlfriend about something like this? It sounds to me that you are seeking my permission to seek revenge on John. Permission denied.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Bad Girl" Past Haunts This Good Woman's Present

Dear Tazi:

Growing up, I was a “bad girl”. I lost my virginity at the age of 12, and was never without a boyfriend thereafter – even if the “relationship” was nothing more than a series of booty calls. I cleaned up my act during my senior year of college, when I met the man who is now my husband, “Daryl”.

Daryl was the first man who had ever turned down my advances for sex, and instead asked me why I felt the need to sleep with men in order to gain their love. I could see he was completely disgusted with who I was, but I was infatuated with him nonetheless and pursued a friendship by showing up at his church to attend mass every Sunday. It was during this pursuit of Daryl that I honestly found God and sought to change my ways. Seeing the change in my attitude was an honest one and not just a ploy for his attentions, Daryl and I started dating and were married after my graduation. That was twenty years ago, and life has been wonderful ever since.

After we got married, I left my old life behind me – literally. Daryl and I moved back to his Bible Belt hometown, where I am now the mother of his two children; a PTA Mom; and a Sunday school teacher. Nobody in my new life knows about my past, and Daryl is fine with my desire to keep it all a big secret. He tells me that my past behavior does not concern him, just my present and future behavior.

My problem is that, at the request of my children, I started a family Facebook page. On our page are updates about the kids’ schoolwork, my work with the church, and Daryl’s job. We post pictures and have generally been having a great time with it. I did not post my maiden name anywhere on the page, so it never occurred to me that people from my past might find me – but several of them have.

My old friends from college remember Daryl and while searching for him on Facebook found the family page I created – along with all the details of who I am now, and have been for the past twenty-one years. Several of these people have sent friend requests that I have ignored because I am afraid to answer them. These are people who remember the old me, and I would rather my children and my community not hear stories of who I once was or, even worse, see pictures of the things I used to do during my bad girl days.

I have set my privacy settings so that people cannot “tag” me in pictures without my permission, and I am just hoping that any old pictures of me that are posted are not seen by anyone from my current life. Do you think starting this Facebook page was a mistake? If I decide to get rid of it, how should I explain my decision to my children? Is my sordid past always going to haunt me, or do you think the new leaf I have turned over will outweigh the past I am seeking to erase?

Signed,
Sinner Been Saved

Dear Sinner Been Saved:

I have figured out the timeline from the information you gave me, and it sounds like you came of age during the early 1980’s – a time when the 1970’s free-love movement was just ending as the era of condoms, STD’s and AIDS began. While this could partially explain your wild child behavior, I get the impression that the reasons for it are much more deep rooted than the cultural mores of the time. Judging from your complete and total turn-around, I believe that whatever the issues you had as a child they have been resolved as an adult – and that is the key factor in this matter: you were a child when you lived the role of the “bad girl”. You were a newly minted adult when you made the conscious decision to turn your life around and dedicate yourself to a new path.

The time you have spent as a wife, PTA Mom, and a Sunday school teacher is more than double the time you spent as a “bad girl”, so please remind yourself of that fact when the stress of your past threatens to derail your current sense of serenity. Although you will never be able to outrun your past, try to remember that you are not the only person who has changed. The class valedictorian who was going to take on the world is probably a stay-at-home-mom with five kids; the peace-loving hippie might be a Wall Street trader; and your old friend are all probably recovering “bad” girls and boys themselves who would be just as mortified if old pictures of them found their way onto the Internet. Since you made your transformation from “bad girl” to “Saved Sinner” during your senior year of college, the dramatic change in you should not come as any surprise to these people.

If the people who have sent you Facebook requests are people with whom you honestly want to reconnect then by all means accept their friend requests, and for your own piece of mind send them a private message asking them not to reveal the gory details of your past, as they can see that you have long since left that life behind. On the other hand, if these people from your past are people you are content to leave there you are under no obligation to accept their friend requests.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Failure At Life" Seeks the Secret To Success

Dear Tazi:

Why is it some people have such successful lives while others of us struggle every day to try and make it big? I don’t mean falling into a pile of money by winning the lottery, although that would be nice; I mean plain old success – being able to find financial success in a job that fulfills, a lasting romance, and an end to the drama that seems to follow me wherever I go, encasing me like a mummy in its tomb. Believe me when I tell you, I am a failure at life.

Is there some secret to success that I am missing? Or is it all just dumb luck/the luck of the draw? And why is it that I always seem to draw the short straw at everything I attempt – from work to romance to just having friends I can count on to be there for me when I need them? I could go on and on, but I think you can see what I mean. I have failed at completing a [college] degree the multiple times I have tried and I have failed at the many career paths I have tried, both of which have contributed to a string of failed relationships that have left me feeling hollow inside. There I go again – I said I would stop, and I went on and on in spite of my desire not to [...] I have even failed at writing this letter.

Signed,
Chasing Mr. Tambourine Man

Dear Chasing Mr. Tambourine Man:

I assume your signature is in reference to the lyrics of the Bob Dylan song. How...I want to say sad, but I don’t think pity is what you seek; nor is it what I am trying to impart. In all honesty, you sound like you are at the point where you enter every situation expecting the worst and thus experience a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is this due to depression or just a negative outlook on life? You may find mental health counseling to be beneficial.

To answer your question as to why some people are so successful, I refer to Thomas Edison, who once said “the harder I work, the luckier I get”. Edison was, of course, not suggesting that hard work leads to luck; just that hard work – the behind-the-scenes work that others rarely see – leads to successful results. Edison was an Inventor, a man who had a scientific mind and was able to create mechanisms that society found to be of use and value – the light bulb, the phonograph, and the movie camera the best known among them; but these three examples are only a small sample of the many patents – over 1,000 – that Mr. Edison held. Many of these inventions were abject failures, such as the idea of concrete furniture. Yes, that means actual furniture, for the home, made of concrete; which during Mr. Edison's time was prohibitively expensive.

You say that you are seeking work that offers both financial success and personal fulfillment. This combination is a rare one, indeed. Work was not designed to fulfill the soul – for that, we have recreation. Work was designed so that we can make a living. Even the most enjoyable jobs have plenty of days where the tasks grate on your mind, body, and soul; where you feel unappreciated and wish for more. So long as you are not bursting into tears at the thought of going into work, try to find contentment in your job rather than fulfillment.

You mention that you have failed to attain a degree the multiple times you have tried to complete one. College is a challenge that requires us to accept that we still have things to learn, and we must reach beyond our comfort zone in order to stretch our abilities. Even if you chose to study something that fulfills you, this does not guarantee that schooling will be easy or fun. If this is what you were expecting, it could be the reason you found failure instead of success. If you chose to concentrate in only one area – to put all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak – this could be another reason why success has eluded you.

Most colleges recommend that you broaden your skills set by completing a minor program of study in something opposite your major. For example: if you major in Business, you could minor in Cultural Anthropology (a great combination, which will help you deal with International clients) or Theatre/Acting, which would instill great sales skills. If you did the opposite – majored in Art or Theatre – you could minor in Education or Marketing, which would allow you to teach and/or better market your own work to potential customers.

As for romance and lasting friendships; a flower cannot bloom under stressful conditions, and neither can a relationship. I realize that most humans seek companionship (this desire is foreign to us cats!), but until you are ready to love yourself it is highly doubtful that you will be able to hold up your end of a loving relationship with another - romantic or platonic. I suggest you take a break from romance until you have put your life together and have worked on being they type of friend you would like to have. Not only will this give others the strength to remain by your side during the bad times, but it will help you to develop the emotional fortitude required to give what a relationship requires.

Overall, there is no one recipe for success; but there are several common ingredients, including the offering of a skill that society deems necessary and worthwhile. The rarer that necessary and/or worthwhile skill, the better chances you have of finding success with it. Combined with hard work that is aimed at the proper target, success should not elude. You may be the world’s best salesperson, but if you are trying to sell a bicycle to a fish you will meet with failure every single time.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. This is a last minute edit, but RuPaul put it so wonderfully! "[It's] [h]ard to remain patient with friends who focus solely on their own crucifixion..." - RuPaul (via Facebook)


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Social Media A Double-Edged Sword

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend is pure evil. I don't know what I ever saw in the guy - maybe his initial charm? Obviously, our break-up was not a pleasant one; nor was it mutual.

"Wesley" is the type of guy who expects the world to turn at his command. If there is something he needs that he cannot provide for himself, he expects others to provide it because he believes that is what makes someone a good friend. When I had a job opportunity that required a transfer to a different part of the country, I told Wesley I would appreciate his support in my plan to relocate, because I thought our relationship stood a good chance of developing into something more serious. Because Wesley liked the area (it is a metropolitan area in a warm climate), he encouraged me to take it and told me we could "do the long-distance thing" and he would follow in a few months. What I did not realize was that Wesley's plan to follow me did not include looking for work before his arrival. Rather, he planned on living with me until he could "land on his feet". I was not entirely happy with this plan, but I went along with it because I had no choice - he showed up unannounced.

After three months living with me rent free, Wesley still had not found a job; nor had he made a serious effort to find something - anything - that would pay some kind of wage. I realize that a McJob is not a career, but at least it pays the bills; Wesley, however, felt this type of work was beneath him and refused to even apply for entry-level work in or out of his career field. For this and other reasons, I told Wesley it would be best if we went our separate ways, and offered to pay for his plane ticket back home. This was not a request, but a break-up, and I made that clear to Wesley.

Once he returned to our home state, Wesley started asking for a second chance at "the long distance thing" since it was obvious that he was not ready to move. I refused, because in the three months that he was here I saw a side of Wesley that I did not like and, quite frankly, it killed my feelings for him. Wesley refused to take no for an answer and kept demanding an explanation until I finally told him my feelings for him had died. I thought this would be the end of things, but it has not.

Wesley has taken to complaining about me on his Facebook and Twitter pages, saying I have done him wrong and how unfair I am being to not give him a second chance. When he refused to stop, I blocked him so he would be unable to tag me in his posts; but my friends tell me that this just led to him using my name without a tag, and made his rants against me even worse. Wesley is the type of guy who cannot go to the bathroom without tweeting about it, so this should give you an idea of the amount of posting he is doing about me, our breakup, and the insulting things he is saying about me. I keep all of my social media pages private, so it does not appear in an Internet search, but Wesley keeps his public; so I am afraid of what is appearing.

I would like to know, is what Wesley is doing even legal? Do I have any recourse to force him to stop? I am afraid that the stuff he is posting is going to hurt my career.

Signed,
Not "The Whore Of Babylon"

Dear Not "The Whore of Babylon":

You offer quite a history for such a quick question, and paint an unflattering picture of Wesley;,which leads me to believe the things Wesley is saying about you are not all that flattering, either. The question is, are they true? If the things Wesley are writing about you are in fact true, I am afraid you will simply have to grin and bear it, and accept the fact that he is being very immature. Let this be a lesson to you to:

1) Clean up your act, and behave in a way that does not provide fodder for malicious gossip

2) Stand up for yourself.

As uncomfortable as it would have been to turn Wesley away when he showed up on your doorstep, his behavior was disrespectful to you, and should have been a warning sign of what was to come. I suggest that, in the future, you make your lines more clearly drawn and refuse to allow them to be crossed.

If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue you can report the items directly to the Customer Service Department of the social media site and they will see that the offending items are removed. If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue and damaging your reputation in such a way as to cause damage to your standing at work or in your community, he has committed libel against you, a charge that can be addressed in civil court, but I must warn you; libel can be very, very difficult to prove. You may just want to let this one go and free yourself from Wesley's attentions all the sooner.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Facebook Cattle-Call Brands Writer A Bad Friend

Dear Tazi:

I am so upset I don't know what to do with myself. I was moving into a new apartment for the first of the year, so I put the word out to my friends on Facebook to ask if they could help me. A lot of people responded, but only to tell me why they couldn't do it. You know - sorting, packing, and all the stuff that needs to be done before the actual move and then to help me with the actual move.  I am sick of hearing excuses like "I'd like to, but I have plans" or "I can't unless you can give me gas money; I don't have the gas money to get there and back". One person even said "I can't because that's the Sabbath"!

Isn't assisting a friend in need the perfect way to honor God? And I would think helping a friend to move is more important than some weekend plans. As for not having gas money, friends should be willing to help friends for free, not for gas money! Do you have any good responses that I can give to these so-called "friends" when they ask me why I am un-friending them on Facebook?

Signed,
Moving On

Dear Moving On:

I have the perfect response that you can give to those who question why you are un-friending them: I'm sorry I over-reacted to your inability to help me move. Can you forgive me for being so self-centered?

And for failing to offer the obligatory case of beer!

Nobody likes moving, even during the best of times; but to put out the request for help during the winter weather, on a weekend, in the middle of the holiday season? Did you honestly expect people to respond in droves? The reasons people gave are perfectly acceptable and quite reasonable. Would you have preferred they ignore your request altogether? In your letter, you disrespect one friend's religious practices; another's financial limitations; and a third friend's pre-existing plans. I can only imagine how you responded to them on Facebook, where people tend to be much more candid.

Unless you would be willing to put your plans/religion/financial needs aside to answer a cattle-call type request for help you have no right to complain about others reacting the same way. By un-friending these people, you are probably doing them a favor. Remember that in order to have good friends we must be a good friend. It's a little late to make this your New Year's resolution, so why not just resolve to try harder? Consider it a spring cleaning for the soul. You will be surprised at the results you get.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Drama Queen Needs To Find A New Target

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Randi" who feeds on drama. Whenever she gets upset with someone, she goes off on them on Facebook and "unfriends" them until the spat has ended; then, she will send another friend request. If the friend request goes unanswered, she will cancel it and resend it. Randi will keep doing this until you accept her as your friend. Since I like to keep my life a drama free zone, I let her unfriend me, ignored her multiple friend requests, and finally blocked her from my Facebook account so she could not drag me into her little game.

I thought Randi would get my point and leave me alone, but mutual friends have told me that she has been trashing me on her Facebook page, calling me a bad friend and names that are much, much worse. I would not be bothered so much by this if Randi did not act like a good friend to my face and as if nothing is wrong. I am torn between bringing the subject up with her and just letting it go and hoping she will eventually give up the fight. I am afraid if I ask my friends for their advice they will report back to Randi and the cycle will only get more intense - which is why I am writing to you for your opinion.

Signed,
Drama Free?

Dear Drama Free:

It looks like your life is not as drama free as you would like. In order to settle the situation, you have to ask yourself: how much do Randi's comments bother you? Is she mentioning you by name or simply implying that her comments are about you? Last of all, why are your friends reporting this to you? Are they trying to fuel the fire in hopes of a dramatic eruption?

In my opinion, Randi is attempting to get a reaction from you with her Facebook posts. Since she continues to be nice to you in person, it could be that she is hoping to play the innocent party and paint you as paranoid if you suggest that her comments are about you. As annoying as these comments must be, bringing them up to Randi will only cause more drama.

The next time your friends bring up the comments that Randi is making, shrug it off and do not let on that the comments bother you. Sooner or later, Randi will get tired of playing a one-sided game and move onto a new target. Since she loves drama so much, I suggest letting her keep it all to herself by refusing to take the bait she offers. If you are uncomfortable with maintaining a relationship with Randi, drop her from your circle of friends; if you are unable to do this, work to limit the time you spend with her. People who feed on drama tend to find a new source when another source dries up on them.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An iPhone Camera And An Instagram Account Does Not A Professional Photographer Make

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who has a bad habit of posting every picture she takes to Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram.  I would not mind if she only posted every now and again, but she is constantly taking pictures and posting them, and then mass emailing to let everyone she knows know that she has posted more pictures to her account pages, and demanding that we check out and "like" her pictures.

"Abby" thinks that with enough  "likes" she will eventually be able to launch her own business as a professional photographer - freelance or for a large newspaper.  This is in complete disregard for the fact that she has no professional training or equipment; she uses her iPhone to take and upload pictures.  I have tried to explain to her that professional photographers - like all professionals in a field - have learned their craft through years of study  and training; that you need to know things like lighting, angles, lenses, shutter speeds, and a whole bunch of other stuff before you can be a professional photographer.  Abby, however, will not listen and has accused me of being jealous of her dream.

Tazi, I have a very fulfilling career that allows me to express my creativity while bringing home a sizable paycheck.  I graduated one of the top art schools in the country, and have the student loans to prove it.  I have several friends that I met while in school who are working as professional photographers, and I think that Abby's attitude is insulting to the hard work and sacrifices that they have made in order to work in their field.  I have reached the point where I am sick and tired of Abby's incessant demands to "like" her mundane photos.  I would like to remove myself as a friend/contact from her social media accounts, but then I would have to explain to her why I did it.  You seem pretty good at giving advice, kitty; got any for me?

Signed,
Becoming Photo-Phobic

Dear Becoming Photo-Phobic:

I can completely understand your point of view.  When Mommie first helped me to start this column, she had a few acquaintances who said that it sounded like fun and that they should start an advice blog, too!  These people had no writing skills, no background in Psychology, Communications, Cultural Anthropology, or any education even remotely connected to human behavior.  Mommie advised me to keep my temper and not do my scratchy-bitey thing, that some humans don't realize how foolish they sound sometimes.  I now give you the same advice.

As difficult as it is to ignore Abby, try for the sake of your friendship.  Ignore the pleading emails; don't bother to "like" her photos unless you actually do like them; and turn a deaf ear to her when she starts vocalizing her dream of becoming a professional photographer without any education, training, or equipment.  Eventually, she will see that her dream is actually fantasy (which is a dream that has no hope of coming true without some major planning and effort) and either move on to something new or make the investments required to reach her goal.

As much as you would like to delete Abby from your social media contacts, this is probably not a good idea.  As sensitive as Abby sounds, this may cause irreparable damage to your friendship.  Simply limit the number of updates allowed from Abby or ignore them altogether.  If she asks why you are not commenting on  her work, tell her that you are very busy with your own (paying) work and have little time to peruse all of her photographs; encourage her to cut down on quantity and go for quality - you will be doing her (and those who view her stuff) a big favor.  Last of all, remember that nobody can take advantage of your time unless you let them.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  This video came to my attention just before this article was set to publish.  I hope it gives you a laugh!  [Ed. Note: Email subscribers, please click here to see video].

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #21 - Facebook Debate, Civility, and the Biggest Issue of All: What Are "Slacks"?

Dear Readers,

I do not usually poke around my Mommie’s Facebook page, except to see if she is posting any embarrassing pictures of me.  This week, I stumbled upon one of the stranger habits of you humans: debating the pointless and insolvable as a form of entertainment.  

Usually Facebook debates get quite nasty.  Participants generally do not know each other, so they have no qualms about offending a stranger.  Factual evidence is thrown to the wind as people support their argument with something they found on the Internet, and complete disregard is shown for the source by those looking to prove or debunk a point.  "The New England Journal of Medicine?  What do they know?"  This quote was an actual comment I read while perusing a Facebook debate on medical care.  Another favorite of mine is when people source commentators like Rush Limbaugh in their arguments.  The Rush Limbaugh Show is not considered reliable by standard journalistic practices.  Mr Limbaugh himself admits to being an "entertainer", not a journalist.  (Conservatives, please don't hate on me...I personally LOVE The New York Post, but would give my own Mommie a Paw Slap of Disgust if she cited them as a source of scholarly research!).

Anyhow, my distaste for Facebook debating was overcome this week when reading a debate about the definition of the word "slacks".  The debate below all started when Mommie reported having a dream that someone had stolen her “new tan slacks”, to which she has become quite attached.  (Note to self: Find said  tan slacks and barf on them, thus killing this attachment to something other than me!).  

Those slacks are gonna get decked, too!

It was over this status update that the debate over the definition of "slacks" started; it rolled over onto a friend’s page, where it continued in such a hysterical vein that I decided to share it with the world.  Without further ado, I present The Great Slacks Debate! Ready...set....GO!

Mommie’s Friend (the Moderator): OK - so I probably should NOT bring this up on Facebook, especially given the roll I am on lately with “effbee” fighting and controversial topics, BUT this one is SOOOO important and involves a really dear friend, so here goes: SLACKS = a pair of "fancy pants" for a woman....OR....something that someone over the age of 80 calls any waist-hip-thigh-leg covering??? (and please let's not bring up dungarees and just stay on topic) Thank You!!!

The responses ranged from the serious to the hysterical; a sampling is below:

• I call the suit pants I wear to work…slacks!! and I’m pretty cool so your friend must be cool too!!!  [Note from Tazi: My Mommie is da bomb!]

• Those a "Britches" in the South, son. 

• Haven't you ever worn slacks? I bet you do!! I bet you hide in the closet and glorify in your slacks collection!

• I picture slacks to be outdated with pleats and sold at Goodwill with stains

• Slacks are for grannies!!!!!

• Slacks are polyester and generally have an elastic - or adjustable - waist

• My slacks are a rayon cotton blend, no elastic waist, no stains, and rather expensive!

• I've only ever heard my Yankee Momma say the word slacks. Usually talking about nice dress pants....Or on Brides Maids referring to the mom as “Ham Slacks” bahahaha

• I wear dress slacks over my girdle but not when I take my bundles home from the supermarket. I also wear rubbahs on my shoes when it rains. They taught me that in the ol' country before I came here on a Cat-tle boat. [Note from Tazi: Most likely, only New Yorkers and New Englanders will get this joke...]

• OMG I have not heard dungarees in forever. That alone got me cracking up!

• I believe slacks are what you would buy in the slacks section at Ann and Hope or Woolworth's on your way home from the Five and Dime.

• The consensus at my house is that they are polyester pants worn by old people

Baby got slacks!

• …and you wear a blouse with slacks

• I don't think slacks are something just WORN by the elder generation ... I think any pant-like item touched by an elder magically becomes slacks. So you could go to the store and buy yourself some pants. Your grandmother goes to the same store, goes to the same aisle and buys the same item, but when she goes and gives them to you for your birthday... BAM!...they become slacks. "Here, I made you a sweater to go with these nice slacks."...I think the item of clothing in question undergoes some strange alchemical transformation in which your grandmother is some sort of unwitting magical agent.

• My grandma calls sweatshirts jerseys. I just needed to add that.

Mommie’s Friend (the Moderator): I think the results indicate that most believe the word "SLACKS" to be an antiquated term reserved for use by the Octogenarian-Ensure-swilling crowd.

My question for all those Facebook debaters out there is this: Why can’t all Facebook debate be so civilized?  

My question for all of you, dear readers, is this: What is YOUR definition of the word “slacks”?  Please post your thoughts in the comments section below (you can post anonymously)…this debate is too lively to let it end! Let's take it viral, so the world...may...KNOW!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  Someone posted a Photo-shopped picture of me in plaid slacks!  Know that the picture below is a FAKE!  No matter how many crunches I do, I could never get abs like that!

I prefer Puss in Boots "No Pants Pants"!

[UPDATE: An actual poll is now available on this site.  Click Here to go to the page directly].

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: In Honor Of The Greenland (NH) Police Officers

Dear Readers:

I found this graphic on Facebook this morning, and would ask you to copy and paste this graphic (it's virus free) and post to your Facebook page or Twitter account - either on your wall/timeline or as your profile picture in memory of the Greenland, NH police chief, who died in the line of duty this week, and to honor the four officers injured in the same raid.

So often, police officers get a bad-rap, so let us take a moment to remember those who gave all to help keep our communities safe.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Votes Are In; Man Is Proclaimed #$@% By His Friends

[Ed. Note: The explicit language in the following letter has been removed, but is alluded to out of necessity. The content of the letter may offend some readers. The response should not].

[Note to Non-American Readers: The insult used in the following letter is the worst thing you can call an American man. It refers to a feminine post-menstrual cleansing product. --TK]

Dear Taz:

Apparently, I am a [French word for "shower"] bag. A while back on Facebook, someone started "National Smack A [French word for "shower"] Bag Day" and I received no less than a dozen "*SMACK*" comments on my page. At first, I had no idea why I was getting these comments, then someone explained to me that it was Smack A [French word for "shower"] Bag Day and asked me if I needed them to paint me a clearer picture.

Taz-man, I had no idea that this is what people thought of me. I always thought of myself as the guy with the cool charm that ladies love - kinda like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Bond - with a sense of humor and intelligence that puts me a cut above your ordinary average guy. Could I be wrong? Could this explain why I have had trouble finding a woman that will keep me around for more than just a few months? And why people make fun of my job as a pre-owned luxury-car salesman? Am I that much of a [French word for "shower"] bag? Or do you think my friends were just [expletive] with me?

Signed,
[French word for "shower"] Bag?

Dear [French word for "shower"] Bag:

Did you really have to be so explicit with the language? I wasn't going to print your letter because of the content, but realized that this is an issue that desperately needs more attention among the Jersey Shore generation, so here it is. Apologies to any readers I have offended for publishing this. I know I felt like rinsing my eyeballs in Clorox bleach after reading it. Now, onto the issue at hand...

Note that I left off the "?" at the end of your signature. Also note that my name is TAZI, with an "I", not "Taz" (except to my close friends and family) and certainly not "Taz-man". You may also take notice that I censored your inappropriate language. When I started to read your letter, I thought maybe you were being bullied; but it appears that is not the case. If you are this annoying in person I can see why your friends chose this very special way to stage your intervention.

You do not ask me for advice, just my opinion, so in answer to your question my answer is no, I do not think your friends were "just [expletive] with you"; I think they were trying to tell you what you fail to notice about yourself. Seriously, even I - a tom-cat - do not find Arnold Schwarzenegger to be the kind of man I would want to imitate, let alone compare myself; and if James Bond were a real person a lot of women would put him into that same category.

You write that you consider yourself to be "a cut above your ordinary average guy". My research tells me that this is the very definition of a "bag". UrbanDictionary.com offers 41 pages of definitions for this compound word, my two favorite being:

8) An individual with an inflated self-esteem who is deeply deficient in social skills. They laugh loudly at their own jokes, quote themselves repeatedly, and are never as entertaining to others as they are to themselves.

10) A person who has no idea what they are talking about yet act like they are a smart person by knowlege from other people. They act out to be intelligent and gifted only to realize they are mearly a fake idiot with no idea about what is really happening in the world.

If you recognize yourself in the definitions above, there is hope for you yet. Feel free to write back if you would like some advice.

No snuggles for you!
-- Tazi

P.S. It could have been worse. My extensive research shows that your your friends could have voted you a "nozzle" or a "canoe" instead of a "bag"

Much thanks to UrbanDictionary.com for the wonderful definitions provided! --TK

Tazi's First Twitter Letter! Subject: Bullying In Schools

Dear Readers:

Feel free to send your questions to me via Twitter or Facebook! Here is a question from one reader, in follow-up to my column on the Cranston (RI) Prayer Banner Controversy:

@TaziKat what is your solution to bullying? Do you feel that there is some a mechanism that will help reduce it in schools, etc? #asktazi

Signed,
IceCreamJunkie

Dear IceCreamJunkie:

Bullying is an interesting concept to me, as it is something unique to humans. No other animal derives joy from picking on a smaller or weaker being. In fact, unless we are seeking to eat the smaller/weaker being, we will either protect them as a member of the pack or ignore them completely as dead-weight.

Bullying is something that should not be occurring in schools - period. Schools have the ability to block social networking sites from their Internet servers, which is where most cyberbullying occurs; and I feel they should exercise this ability as a means to an end. School computers should be used for studying, not socializing. As for in-person bullying, it is up to the teachers and other school employees to take a stand and end it when they witness it and to bring the behavior to the attention of the proper authorities.

Bulling outside of school is a different issue altogether. In studying human behavior, I have noticed that human parents like their children to be the best at everything and have a tendency to take pride in the most minor accomplishments. A child who bullies shames his/her parents; therefore, parents must be made aware of their child's unacceptable behavior in order for change to occur. Spell it out to the parents: Your child's bullying shames your parenting skills. Furthermore, I recommend holding parents responsible when they claim ignorance of their child's online behavior. A child cannot cyberbully without access to the Internet (or a smart phone) and social networks. It is the parent who provides access to the Internet (or a smart phone) and social networking sites. I realize that many parents want to be their child's friend (for real, and on Facebook) but they must be a parent first, however unhappy their child is with that decision.

If a child is physically bullying another, that constitutes a criminal act - assault, and possibly battery depending on the extent of injuries inflicted. I cannot think of any parent that would not be concerned about their child physically assaulting another; however, if there are parents out there that just don't care than social services needs to intervene.

Last but not least, sometimes the person being bullied needs to learn to take a stand. If someone is harassing them on Facebook to the point that Facebook is no longer enjoyable than they need to stop going on Facebook! A person who willingly subjects themselves to the hurt of reading insults has no right to complain that their feelings have been hurt. If someone is impersonating them online, the proper authorities need to be contacted because this is a criminal act as well as a breach of the terms of service of social networking sites.

If someone is bullying someone else in person, it is best to master the art of indifference if they are unable to think of a witty comeback. Bullies bully in order to get a reaction out of their target. Like a barking dog, a bully will lose interest in its target when ignored.

I realize this last bit sounds harsh, like I am laying blame on the victim; but life beyond the school-yard does not care about your self-esteem. As an adult, your boss is not going to care that your feelings were hurt when s/he criticized your work; you exes aren't going to care that their moving on has left you despondent; and nobody is going to want to listen to the drama that occurs on Facebook when there are more important things to be done. In fact, they are going to wonder why you are wasting time online when there is real work to be done.

I also realize that many fear to report bullying, for fear the bullying will intensify. If it does than the additional bullying needs to be reported as well. The recent aftermath of the court decision regarding the Cranston (Rhode Island) High School Prayer Banner has resulted in cyberthreats against the student who brought the case. The Cranston Police are reviewing the threats and, if the threats seem credible, calling people in for questioning. This police action could not have happened if the student did not stand up for herself. Let this be a lesson to those who bully, and to those who would bully.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. When a parent bullies a child, that is abuse and must be reported to the authorities - by law.

Editor's Note: Following the original publication of this article, local news sources reported that the cyber-threats against Jessica Ahlquist have ceased.

Farmville Fanatic Has Withering Relationships

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I need help. For the last few years, I have been playing Farmville to the point of addiction! It has taken over my life to the point where I spend several hundred dollars a month on Farmville cash to spend on my farm. At first I justified the expense, arguing that Farmville is my only form of entertainment, but I have reached the point where I can no longer justify the amount of time and money I spend playing this online game.

This year, I found myself unable to sit through Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws because I kept excusing myself to go to the bathroom. My mother-in-law thought her cooking wasn't agreeing with me; but the truth is, I was playing Farmville on my iPhone. I did not start my holiday shopping until Christmas Eve, because it seemed like every time I had a spare moment, my farm needed my attention. At Christmas dinner, I excused myself at least a dozen times to check on my Farmville missions before my husband confiscated my iPhone and told me that I could choose between Farmville or the Funny Farm, because that is where he will be sending me if I don't start putting people ahead of my gaming.

I tried to make an honest effort to give up Farmville, but found myself unable to go more than a few hours without checking on my farm. Unlike the rest of my life, Farmville brings me such delight! I thought I could sneak in some Farmville time while my husband is at work and the kids are out of the house, and set my crops to grow/pause when my husband is home, but I discovered this morning that he put a parental block on Facebook and Farmville.com! He has not given me back my iPhone, so I went to store to try and buy a new laptop (so I could play on a computer without a parental block) where I discovered that he removed my name from our credit card accounts! As a homemaker, I have no income of my own; and cannot get a credit card in my name to outmaneuver my husband. I decided to try one last tactic and went to the local library to log-on to Farmville from there, but I discovered that my password is no longer working!

When I confronted my husband about my day, he confirmed setting the parental controls after changing my Facebook password; removing my name from our credit card accounts; and cancelling my iPhone service (and paying a hefty fee that could have been spent on more useful items). I feel like he is treating me like a child! I realize that I have an addiction, but I think I should be allowed to overcome it in my own way; in my own time. My husband disagrees, saying that he has been trying to get me to stop playing Farmville for months now, and that his extreme measures were required. Tazi-Kat, I honestly don't know what he is talking about; these extreme measures are the first time I have noticed his disapproval of my gaming, and I think he is making things up to defend his grossly inappropriate behavior. What do you think, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Suzie The Farmer

Dear Suzie The Farmer:

Although I do not approve of your husband's tactics - or his use of the play-on-words "Funny Farm" - I am going to split my decision on this argument. Your addiction is far too strong to try and conquer on your own, and drastic measures may be required. However, the controlling measures your husband took to try and get you to stop gaming were just plain wrong. You are his wife, not his child, and this addiction is one that you must work to conquer together.

From the tone of your letter, you have been tuning out life around you in preference for Farmville; to the point where you ignore your family on the holidays. Are you aware of how much you have been ignoring your husband and children the rest of the year? The fact that your husband claims that he has been trying to get you to stop playing Farmville "for months now" and this is the first time you are actually hearing him - after he has taken away your access to the game - leads me to believe that you have been tuning out much more than you realize.

I realize that Farmville brings you great joy, but that joy is coming at the detriment of your relationships with others. If the rest of your life is not as delightful as Farmville, you need to concentrate your energies on discovering why you find life to be such a drag, and take steps to remedy the problem(s). Since you are unable to go for more than a few hours without playing Farmville, I do not think independently weaning yourself off of the game is the best course of action at this point.

Video games - and computer games, like Farmville - provide for instant gratification, and can be as addictive as drugs or alcohol. For that reason, you will need a supervised recovery program. I suggest that you contact a certified mental health professional, and make an appointment to discuss the issues that leave you seeking an escape from real life. Once you are aware of how to conquer that which is driving you to invest so much time, money, and attention into Farmville you may discover that the game holds less and less of an attraction to you.

As an aside, I would like to mention that marriage counseling might be helpful in opening the doors of communication between you and your husband. You lament the "hefty fee" your husband had to pay when he cancelled your iPhone account; yet you admit to spending "several hundred dollars a month" on Farmville. It seems to me that the Great Shut Off was an investment in your financial future, as well as your marital future; but again, this is something that you should discuss with a licensed therapist, not a cat.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. Please give a snuggle to your children from me. It sounds like they could use some attention.

Too Many Dating Deal Breakers Makes Woman Wonder If That Is A Deal Breaker, Too

Dear Tazi-Kat:

About four months ago, I started dating a man who is great in many ways, but has a few idiosyncrasies that I am not sure are “deal breakers”. To start, the term “deal breakers” is actually his; and in fact, he has a list of them ranging from smoking to whether or not a woman wears nail polish (he does not like either).

Once a week “Irwin” attends his “Boys Night Out”, which consists of a drop-in at the local pub. Most of his male friends attend once a month, since they are too busy to attend every week, but Irwin insists on attending every week so he “doesn’t miss anyone”. During baseball and football seasons, Irwin “plays” in a fantasy league (complete with a giant trophy for the winner!) that also meets once a week, bringing his evenings out to two nights a week; sometimes three, when the seasons overlap. I’d have no problem with this if Irwin did not take issue with me spending one Saturday night a month with my girlfriends.

Irwin insists that “Saturday night is date night”, but he never takes me out on Saturday night because it interferes with his TV viewing. Saturday night is his night to catch up on all the shows he DVR’d during the week while he was out with his friends. He tells me he would prefer it if I were there with him, but I really don’t like the shows he watches - shows like Criminal Minds and SyFy type stuff. However, if I want to see him on the weekends this is usually my only option. He has also tried to get me to delete my Facebook account, but that is where I drew the line, since it is how I keep in touch with my social circle (as opposed to fantasy sports and bar nights).

Another thing I have noticed is that Irwin can be very generous while being very cheap. If we go out to dinner, he will insist on footing the entire bill, but then complain about the cost of the meal. He also refuses to pay for things he feel should be free, like valet parking (which is free, but he refuses to tip the valet) or parking in general. We recently missed the entire first period of the Bruins game because he insisted on driving around until we found free parking – in Boston! Just as with dinner, when I offered to pay for parking so we would not miss the game, he refused.

Irwin does have his good points – he is sweet and gentlemanly, and treats his mother well – all of which are things I look for in a man. He has made it clear that he will only get serious with a woman he considers marriage material, which is why he has not asked me for a commitment yet; but at the same time he has told me he could never get serious about a woman who “plays the field”. He is constantly contradicting himself like this, so why am I so hesitant to end this relationship, Tazi-Kat? I recently asked him what kind of woman is the kind of woman he considers marriage material, but he refused to answer me because he didn’t want me to try and “mold” myself into his “perfect woman”. A part of me wants to leave…but a part of me wants to rise to the challenge Irwin has placed before me. What to do, Tazi-Kat?

Sincerely,
Irwin’s Girl?

P.S. I have already changed Irwin’s name to an alias, but I doubt he will see this letter. He does not believe in surfing the Internet or the use of social networking sites, like Facebook (where I found your column), so feel free to be as honest as possible.

Dear Irwin’s Girl:

After reading through your letter a few times, it would appear that Irwin enjoys having complete emotional control over women, which is a form of abuse – and that, dear lady, should be a “deal breaker” for you!

While I can understand why Irwin might not want to date a woman who smokes, I am curious as to what his problem with nail polish is. As far as I know it has never been associated with cancer or other health concerns, the way second-hand smoke is. To make the wearing of nail polish a “deal breaker” sounds like Irwin wishes to control your physical appearance. As for his social schedule – Boys Night Out, fantasy sports, and TV night – that is for him to keep, just as your social schedule should be yours to keep. The fact that he tries to control your social schedule is also bothersome.

Irwin’s attitude towards money is especially telling. You say he will insist on paying for dinner, and then complain about the cost of it. It sounds as though he is trying to guilt you into staying in as opposed to going out by subjecting you to negative commentary about the cost. The refusal to allow you to pay for parking – and going so far as to miss a full third of a very expensive hockey game – has absolutely nothing to do with finances. Instead it shows a need for complete control over the situation at hand, and perhaps over you. Remember, you were in the (presumably moving) car with him, unable to leave in spite of your desire to park and get into the arena.

Irwin has not asked for a commitment from you, because he will only get serious with a woman he considers marriage material; discourages you from seeing other people by informing you that he could never get serious about a woman who plays the field; and refuses to let on where you stand by evading your questions about what kind of woman he considers “marriage material”. I can see why you might consider this a challenge issued, because this is how those who mentally abuse reel in their victims: starting by playing hard to get, then breaking them down emotionally and mentally; leaving the victim in question of his/her own habits and behaviors, in order to mold them into the person they want – someone who is completely subservient to them.

I would suggest you walk away from Irwin now, without making excuses about the holidays being so close – because after the holidays comes Valentine’s Day, and after that whatever other special occasions that can be used to guilt you into staying in this unhealthy relationship. Please write back to me in a few months to let me know how you are doing!

-- Tazi-Kat