Domestic Abuse, Nagging Not A Cure For Horrid Habits

Dear Tazi:

My husband has the nasty habit of drinking milk and juice directly from the carton. I have repeatedly tried to correct his habit, to no avail. I have tried buying a separate carton for his use while the rest of the family pours from a communal carton, but he didn't bother to differentiate between the two and drank straight from both cartons.

While preparing for a special brunch, I noticed that my husband had opened - and presumably drank from - a fresh carton of orange juice. I was fuming because i had told him not to touch it, that it was for our guests, and I did not have the time to run out and buy more (we live in a very rural area). In my wrath, I grabbed a bottle of powerful laxative powder and mixed it with the rest of the carton of orange juice. I had no fear that my children would drink it; they listen quite well when I tell them not to do something.

My husband proceeded to drink - from the carton - the entire jug of orange juice and spent the entire afternoon in the upstairs bathroom, indisposed. Later in the week, he saw the empty laxative powder in the trash and put two and two together. He has told me that what I did was "deviant" and that I owe him and apology, suggesting that my penance should be to stop complaining about how he drinks out of the carton. I have refused to apologize and told him that his bout with distress was his penance and that he needs to stop drinking out of the carton before it happens again.

It has been a week, and we are still not speaking to each other and the kids are starting to stress about it. If I apologize for drugging his juice, my husband will think that his behavior is OK, when it certainly is not. On the other hand, I do not want this petty argument to negatively affect my children's lives.

Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out:

If you do not want this "petty argument" to negatively affect your children's life, why are you letting it have a negative affect on your marriage? Drugging your husband's orange juice may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but you acted in a fit of anger. Nobody truly thinks clearly when overcome by emotion. An overdose of laxatives can cause dehydration and other serious medical issues. Your "deviant" trick was actually a form of assault. For this, you owe your husband an apology and should possibly seek anger management counseling for yourself.

I do not suggest you let your husband's unsanitary behavior continue, but nagging him is not going to make him more inclined to do your bidding. In fact, quite the opposite is true; the more you nag the more he will indulge in the problem behavior. A simple and inexpensive solution to your problem would be to buy a pitcher for your refrigerated beverages. It is very difficult to drink milk or juice directly from a spouted pitcher, and downright impossible to drink it from a pitcher with a spigot.

How about this one? Something about it makes me smile!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child's Safety Must Come Before Hurt Feelings

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue with my ex-husband and I am not certain how to deal with it. I liked the response you gave to the Mom whose ex-husband wanted to turn their daughters into toddlers with tiaras; and I am hoping you can give me some good advice, too.

"Edgar" (my ex) has suffered from what he calls phantom illness and the rest of the world calls hypochondria. I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, but he has been medically diagnosed with hypochondria - a diagnosis he refuses to accept. Edgar has claimed everything from depression (which only affected his ability to work, not to party, hang out with friends playing video games, or do anything else he enjoyed) to fibromyalgia (which again did not affect his ability to do things he enjoyed, including weightlifting). Essentially, if it is an illnesses that cannot be medically proved or disproved through definitive tests, Edgar has claimed to have it. After five years of this, I finally divorced him.

I am currently engaged to be married this June, and my son could not be more happy with my choice! He keeps asking me when he can start calling "Kyle" his step-dad, and is very excited that he will be have a big brother in Kyle's older son (who adores my son, as well). Seeing this family dynamic start to form has made me very happy, but Edgar very upset.

My ex-mother-in-law called me yesterday to tell me that Edgar seems truly depressed, and is talking about "ending it all" since he feels that he is "no longer needed". I have little to no contact with Edgar, except as it relates to our son, so I am unable to tell if Edgar is serious or exaggerating. I have said little to Edgar about my upcoming wedding, but I know that it is all my son talks about to whoever will listen, so I am pretty sure that Edgar is aware of our child's excitement, which I believe is what has triggered Edgar's veiled threats of suicide.

I once read a news story about a man who set fire to his house, killing both himself and his two precious sons. The visitation was supervised by a social worker, but the man locked her out once the children were inside the house. This tragedy has me on high alert for what I would normally just regard as Edgar being Edgar. I am petrified that Edgar will follow through on his threat to "end it all" and take my son with him when he does. Because of this, I have decided it best to suspend Edgar's visitation rights with our son (I have sole custody) until I feel that Edgar is well enough to handle himself emotionally. I informed him of this yesterday, while on the phone with his mother (he lives with her, and she picked up the other line when I asked her to simply put Edgar on the phone).

My decision has upset more than a few people, most especially Edgar and his mother; who feel my decision is what will put Edgar over the edge, leading him to make good on his threat. His mother actually told me that if her son kills himself it will be "[my] hands that his blood is upon". Dramatic, huh? Their reaction truly cemented my decision, and I plan on standing firm upon it.

Now that you know the background of my story, I am hoping that you can advise me on how to tell my son that he will not be seeing his father for a while. I do not wish to lie to my child; but I feel the truth will be a little to much for him to handle (he is only 7-years-old). Can you give me some words to work with, Tazi? I am afraid that anything I say will involve speaking poorly of Edgar, and I am trying to take the high road.

Signed,
"Poe" Me

Dear "Poe" Me:

I like your choice of signature! I am assuming this is why you chose to call your ex-husband "Edgar" in your letter! Paws up for your creativity! Now, onto your problem...

Edgar has been diagnosed with a form of mental illness - hypochondria - that responds well to treatment for most people but is something he refuses. The fact that he refuses to believe the diagnosis, coupled with the fact that his proclaimed illnesses are all impossible to test for with any scientific certainty (lab tests, X-rays, etc), makes me wonder if Edgar is simply a scam-artist and his latest claim - suicidal tendencies - is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. I am happy to see that you are not falling for it; however, any threat of suicide is something that must be taken seriously.

I, too, remember all too well the tragedy of those two boys from Utah; and I can see why this news story would make any parent a nervous wreck. Therefore, my advice to you is two-fold. I believe your first step should be to report Edgar's threats of suicide to a proper authority. Your attorney should be notified as to the reason you are withholding visitation, especially if it has been court-ordered. The courts may then order Edgar committed for a psychiatric evaluation. Once one has made a threat of suicide, the state can step in and force an evaluation. This may sound cruel and over-reactionary, but it really is the best and safest way to ensure Edgar's well-being and, by extension, your son's. Do not allow visitation to continue until Edgar has been properly evaluated and is receiving treatment. Your attorney can assist you with this matter.

Your second step is to explain to your son why he cannot see his father. Explain to him that his father is sick, and that is making him act cranky and in a way that is not very nice. Tell your son that his father needs to get treated to make sure he can be the best Dad he can possibly be; and in order to do that he needs to spend some time by himself to make sure he doesn't take his bad mood out on your son. This should be enough information for your son to process, without overwhelming him with the details. I wish you all the best with this delicate situation; and many blessings in your new marriage!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Differing Musical Tastes Leads To Relationship Discord

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a guy for a few months, and I like him a lot...except for one odd quirk: He refuses to listen to any music recorded after 1988. "Shawn" is a big fan of music from the 1970's and '80's, and claims that the music recorded today is garbage. I have tried to keep an open mind and listen to some of the stuff he likes, but stuff like Led Zeppelin and Bread just don't work for me. I like music by girl singers like Beyoncé and Katy Perry - stuff Shawn will not ever consider allowing on in his presence. I am starting to wonder if this is a deal-breaker.

I like going dancing, and Shawn won't go with me because he doesn't like the music. I like listening to music in the car, but there is never anything we can agree upon so we ride in silence or to Shawn's music. I feel like I am missing out on things I enjoy in order to be with Shawn - which is something I also enjoy, but I am wondering if trading music for my man is worth it.

Signed,
Missing My Beats

Dear Missing My Beats:

Serious musicians understand the importance of bands from the 1970's and early 1980's; these are/were musicians that not only sang, but wrote their own music and lyrics; played their own instruments; and understood how to read music in the first place. The difficulty level of much of the music from this time - much of which contains multiple chord changes - is extraordinary. This is why the 1970's is considered the classical era of rock and roll - because the music itself represents a great deal of classical training and education. Much of today's popular music owes a debt to the singer-songwriters of the 1980's and '80's. Have you listened to Eminem's new release "So Far"? Those amazing guitar riffs are actually former Eagles' guitarist Joe Walsh's guitar riffs. Compare the two:

Eminem

Joe Walsh

Even the lyrics Eminem writes are a parody of the original Joe Walsh song. I hope this comparison helps you to understand Shawn's point of view. My concern for this relationship is Shawn's refusal to compromise. You say he "doesn't allow" music by Katy Perry, et al to be played in his presence. This intolerance of other musical tastes is in poor form, and crosses the line into controlling behavior. You need to ask yourself how long it will be before this control turns into abuse. Is there really no musical genre upon which the two of you can agree? Remember a compromise is only a compromise when both sides give something, and it appears that you are the only one giving in for the sake of harmony. Only you can decide whether you want to stay or go, but since you asked for my advice I will offer it: leave, and find someone who appreciates you for who you are, not in spite of who you are.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beauty Pageants Are Not For Every Child (Or Every Parent!)

Dear Tazi:

I have absolutely HAD IT with my ex-husband! What ever it was I once saw in the man has disappeared from both view and memory, and the only reason I still have contact with him is because he is the father of my daughters, ages 5 and 3 (not that he does much fathering).

"Jordan" is a horrible failure in life because he refuses to commit to seeing a project through to its finish. He will start out with the best of intentions, but then things will get hard; inconvenient; or both and he he will simply give up because he is no longer enjoying himself. Of course there will always be reasons for why someone else is to blame for his failure - from his supervisor at work giving him too many hours and burning him out (which is why he quit his last job) to being too distracted to concentrate because it was basketball season and he had money riding on the game (his excuse for failing out of the vocational program that he INSISTED was going to turn his fortunes around). Do you need to here more? I have several, but each one ends the same way: with Jordan quitting mid-way through and being unable to pay his child support because he can barely support himself.

Thankfully, I do not NEED Jordan's child support money to get by - my current husband and I both make excellent incomes, and any money we receive from Jordan is banked for the children's futures. As of this writing, Jordan has not paid child support in almost two years. Because he is not paying support, I have the legal right to withhold the children from him, which is something I have not done because I feel it would only hurt my children to cut Jordan out of their lives completely. However, I am seriously considering taking that path after Jordan's latest shenanigans.

Jordan has been watching the TV reality series Toddlers and Tiaras, and has decided that he would like to travel the country as "manager" to our girls as they compete competitively in beauty pageants. His plan to cover the expenses is to have local businesses "sponsor" our daughters, charging more than the actual expenses and keeping the overage as his "manager's cut". He believes that the money the children could earn if they win would bring them fame and fortune and, as their manager, would put him on the path to financial solvency as he accepted new "clients" with each pageant win. I am absolutely, positively, 100% against such an idea! And besides that fact, neither of my girls is the pageant type - both are more into athletics than ruffles and lace - and I will not force them down this path. On his last visitation day, he tried to get both girls to "frill up" for photographs and head-shots, and both girls came home hysterical, crying to the point of exhaustion.

Jordan has threatened to take me to court and sue me for access to the girls in order to put his "business plan" into play, saying the judge will see that he is trying to do what is best for all involved, and that I am not only standing in his way but turning the girls into tomboys, as well. I doubt he would win, but I can't help but wonder, "What if??". My husband has suggested we counter-sue for the termination of Jordan's parental rights, which would allow my husband to legally adopt the girls. Both of my daughters love my husband, and consider him to be more of a father than Jordan...but still, I am hesitant to seek termination of parental rights. Jordan IS their birth father, after all. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,
Wondering How Far To Push

Dear Wondering How far To Push:

I can tell from the tone of your letter that there is no love left between you and your ex-husband, so I find it admirable that you still care for his feelings and seek to nurture a bond between him and your daughters. My question is, are you certain that this is what is best for the children? If Jordan was physically abusing them, would you still try to maintain visitation with him? I am certain the answer to that question is "no", so why are you trying to maintain a relationship when it is obvious that Jordan is mentally abusing your girls?

For a child to come home crying "to the point of exhaustion" because she was forced to "frill up" for photographs makes me wonder what kind of photographs Jordan was taking! I am not accusing the man of sexually exploiting his daughters, but the red-flag is there...exploitative photos of children that fall just short of pornography are often used as a way to build a client base of buyers who want to see more, as well as acclimate the children to taking these kinds of pictures. If I were you, I would demand to see any photos that Jordan took of the girls while they were "frilled up". If he refuses or claims to have deleted them from his camera, I would see that as a further red flag, and end Jordan's access to the children immediately.

You asked for my advice, so I have given it. You did not ask for my personal opinion, but I feel compelled to give it anyway: If your daughters consider your husband to be their father, and your husband is willing to adopt them as his own, I suggest that you entertain the idea. Jordan does not sound like any kind of role model for your young children. A termination of parental rights does not mean you must terminate all contact and visitation - if you want, Jordan can still remain a part of your daughters' lives; but he will have no legal say in which to attempt his hairbrained - and possibly crimminal - schemes.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Ruined Sofa Tearing at Woman's Conscience

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue of a rather sensitive nature, and I am hoping you can give me some advice. While my mother-in-law is wintering in Florida, my husband and I are unofficially house-sitting. The truth is, we got evicted from our apartment after the landlord got foreclosed on, and are staying at her place until we find a new apartment. She is not aware of this fact, although the neighbors think that she is.

My husband and I both could benefit from anger management counseling, but we do not have the money for it at this point in time. We are both stressed over our living situation, and things came to a head on New Year's Eve. He did not want to go out, so I got dressed up to go out with my girlfriends. We argued, and one thing led to another and push came to shove - literally. I turned my back on my husband to walk away and he shoved me. My shoe caught on an area rug, and I went flying forward towards the hearth. What slowed me down was the heel of my stiletto catching on my mother-in-law's sofa; otherwise, I would have slammed head-first into the hearth. I suffered bumps, bruises, and a badly broken ankle; the sofa - which was hand-upholstered in hand-woven Chinese silk - suffered a six foot tear right across the front.

I got an appraisal on the cost of repairing the damage, and the entire sofa would have to be reupholstered. It would cost approximately $16,000 (for the cost of materials, and the intricate pin-tucking pattern) . On the night of the accident, my husband took me to the hospital, and the police were called because the emergency room doctor did not believe that I had "tripped". I am not sure if we were able to convince the police, but no charges were filed. However, the problem with my mother-in-law's sofa remains.

We have not yet said anything, but I would like to tell my mother-in-law the truth: that her son and I have been living in her mansion; that we were arguing and things got out of control; and that the damage to her sofa is minimal in comparison to the fact that I could have been killed if I hit my head on the hearth. My mother-in-law could then decide how to handle the financial issues at hand. I know my mother-in-law well enough to know that she would be angry, but understanding. My husband feels this paints him as the "bad guy" and as "an abuser". He wants to tell his mother that we stopped in to check on her house before going out for the evening, and that I tripped and fell and damaged the sofa; which is the story that we told the police. This way, her homeowner's insurance will cover not only the damage to the sofa; but my medical bills and pain and suffering, as well. He feels the profit "we" make off of my injuries could go towards moving expenses and a new apartment.

Tazi, I feel like we have done enough damage as it is; and that lying to my mother-in-law will only complicate the situation. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Home-Wrecker

Dear Home-Wrecker:

I am counting the crimes you and your husband have committed: illegal entry, illegal occupation of your mother-in-law's home, domestic assault, battery, property damage, interfering with a police investigation...did I miss anything? Although I wholeheartedly agree that property damage is infinitely better than manslaughter (the charge your husband would be facing if you had died) I also think it is time for the lies to stop.

I have tried to recreate the scenario you describe, and consulted a Physics professor to figure just how fast you would have had to be traveling to hit the hearth with enough force to split your skull. Without information such as point to point distance and force exerted by the hearth, it is impossible to accurately figure; but the fact that your foot dragged for six feet along the sofa tells me you were moving at a pretty good clip. Just how hard did your husband shove you? If both the ER doctor and the police had a hard time swallowing your story, you can bet that a homeowner's insurance adjuster is going to give you an even harder time - and may actually insist on mathematically figuring the velocity at which you were travelling to cause such damage. Further lies will cause your story to unravel.

You ask my advice, so here it is: Get anger management counseling, before your tempers cost you more than the replacement cost of an expensive sofa. And tell your mother-in-law the unvarnished truth. Her homeowner's insurance might not cover the damage if they know that you two were living there without her permission, so she might want to grant that to you post-factum; unless she wishes to cover the expense of fixing the sofa out-of-pocket or if this constitutes insurance fraud. I dislike the idea of lying - even to an insurance company to which your mother-in-law pays premiums - but if she does not than the insurance company might be able come after you and your husband for the money, which may put you in greater physical danger from his continued temper. I consider the fib the lesser of two evils.

In the meantime, perhaps it is best if you and your husband seek separate residences.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's First Twitter Letter! Subject: Bullying In Schools

Dear Readers:

Feel free to send your questions to me via Twitter or Facebook! Here is a question from one reader, in follow-up to my column on the Cranston (RI) Prayer Banner Controversy:

@TaziKat what is your solution to bullying? Do you feel that there is some a mechanism that will help reduce it in schools, etc? #asktazi

Signed,
IceCreamJunkie

Dear IceCreamJunkie:

Bullying is an interesting concept to me, as it is something unique to humans. No other animal derives joy from picking on a smaller or weaker being. In fact, unless we are seeking to eat the smaller/weaker being, we will either protect them as a member of the pack or ignore them completely as dead-weight.

Bullying is something that should not be occurring in schools - period. Schools have the ability to block social networking sites from their Internet servers, which is where most cyberbullying occurs; and I feel they should exercise this ability as a means to an end. School computers should be used for studying, not socializing. As for in-person bullying, it is up to the teachers and other school employees to take a stand and end it when they witness it and to bring the behavior to the attention of the proper authorities.

Bulling outside of school is a different issue altogether. In studying human behavior, I have noticed that human parents like their children to be the best at everything and have a tendency to take pride in the most minor accomplishments. A child who bullies shames his/her parents; therefore, parents must be made aware of their child's unacceptable behavior in order for change to occur. Spell it out to the parents: Your child's bullying shames your parenting skills. Furthermore, I recommend holding parents responsible when they claim ignorance of their child's online behavior. A child cannot cyberbully without access to the Internet (or a smart phone) and social networks. It is the parent who provides access to the Internet (or a smart phone) and social networking sites. I realize that many parents want to be their child's friend (for real, and on Facebook) but they must be a parent first, however unhappy their child is with that decision.

If a child is physically bullying another, that constitutes a criminal act - assault, and possibly battery depending on the extent of injuries inflicted. I cannot think of any parent that would not be concerned about their child physically assaulting another; however, if there are parents out there that just don't care than social services needs to intervene.

Last but not least, sometimes the person being bullied needs to learn to take a stand. If someone is harassing them on Facebook to the point that Facebook is no longer enjoyable than they need to stop going on Facebook! A person who willingly subjects themselves to the hurt of reading insults has no right to complain that their feelings have been hurt. If someone is impersonating them online, the proper authorities need to be contacted because this is a criminal act as well as a breach of the terms of service of social networking sites.

If someone is bullying someone else in person, it is best to master the art of indifference if they are unable to think of a witty comeback. Bullies bully in order to get a reaction out of their target. Like a barking dog, a bully will lose interest in its target when ignored.

I realize this last bit sounds harsh, like I am laying blame on the victim; but life beyond the school-yard does not care about your self-esteem. As an adult, your boss is not going to care that your feelings were hurt when s/he criticized your work; you exes aren't going to care that their moving on has left you despondent; and nobody is going to want to listen to the drama that occurs on Facebook when there are more important things to be done. In fact, they are going to wonder why you are wasting time online when there is real work to be done.

I also realize that many fear to report bullying, for fear the bullying will intensify. If it does than the additional bullying needs to be reported as well. The recent aftermath of the court decision regarding the Cranston (Rhode Island) High School Prayer Banner has resulted in cyberthreats against the student who brought the case. The Cranston Police are reviewing the threats and, if the threats seem credible, calling people in for questioning. This police action could not have happened if the student did not stand up for herself. Let this be a lesson to those who bully, and to those who would bully.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. When a parent bullies a child, that is abuse and must be reported to the authorities - by law.

Editor's Note: Following the original publication of this article, local news sources reported that the cyber-threats against Jessica Ahlquist have ceased.

Dr. Jekyll's Wife Discovers That She Is Also Married To Mr. Hyde

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I need some good advice from an outside party, which is why I am writing to you – that and because you are a cat, and cats are good listeners.  My problem is with my husband.  He is a wonderful, sweet, caring and attentive man; but he can also be rigid to the point of complete inflexibility, self-centered, and hurtful.  He has never lost his temper with me but, at times when he thinks nobody is listening, I have overheard him spewing cruel venom to those with whom he is angry.  Recently, my sister approached me about something he supposedly said to her (he has denied it) and now neither of them wants anything to do with the other.  I am close to my sister, and we still have lunch once a week, in spite of my husband’s obvious dislike of her.  

The other day, I returned home from one of these lunch dates with my sister to find my beloved cat, Tabby, missing.  After a frantic search on my part, my husband calmly informed me that his asthma could no longer tolerate “the pet” so he dropped her off at the shelter while I was out with my sister.  I would have an easier time believing this if he wasn’t a pack-a-day smoker; I think he was trying to be mean to me because I was visiting with my sister!  I immediately rescued Tabby, and told my husband that if he ever did something like this again it would be he who ends up in a shelter – the homeless kind, because I would kick him out of the house.  

Needless to add, it has been rather stressful around the house since that day.  My family insists I am being mentally abused, but I am not sure.  No man has ever treated me so well – or so spitefully.  What should I do, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,

Abused?

Dear Abused?:

Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse can be difficult to see; especially through the eyes of the one who is being abused.  You say that your husband treats you well and is “caring and attentive”.  I assume that this occurs only when he is not being “self-centered and hurtful”?  To the eyes of an outside party, your husband’s attentions are a part of the mental abuse he is piling on you.  If he was cruel to you all of the time, you would not be confused about whether or not you are being abused; however, his periods of kindness fill you with self-doubt about your own feelings.  

Abusers are masters of manipulation who slowly chip away at their victim’s self-worth, starting by making them feel like their hurt feelings and anger are unreasonable; that they – the abuser – are actually the victim.  Is that not how your husband portrayed himself when excusing his treatment of your cat?  The fact that you were willing to stand up for your cat tells me that you are still strong enough to stand up for yourself, as well.  Hold onto that strength, because you will need it on the road ahead of you.

Several years ago, Dear Abby posted this list of classic warning signs of an abuser:

1. Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, presses for an exclusive relationship and commitment almost immediately.

2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly, even at work, or visits unexpectedly.

3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely about whom you talked to and where you were?  Always wanting an explanation of who was on the phone, etc.

4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet all of his or her needs.

5. Isolation: Tries to cut all ties from your family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble” or not liking him or her.

6. Blames others for problems and/or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault.

7. Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you”.

8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really angry.

9. Cruelty to animals & children: Brutally kills or punishes, or threatens to kill or punish animals. Also may expect children to do things that are far above their ability. Sixty-five % of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. “Playful” use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex.

11. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes, says blatantly cruel things, name calling or curses at you.

12. Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. Sudden mood swings: From sweet to violent in minutes.

14. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him or her do it.

15. Threats of violence: Says things like “I’ll break your neck” or I’ll kill you”, then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it”.

If your husband exhibits three or more of these traits, it is safe to consider him an abuser.  If he exhibits these traits towards you, it is safe to consider yourself abused.  The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) can help direct you towards resources in your area, and get you and your husband the help that you both need.

--Tazi-Kat