Co-Worker With A Clean Fetish Could Be Mentally Ill

Dear Tazi:

I have a co-worker who I will swear is obsessive-compulsive. "Alfred" is constantly cleaning around the office. I don't mind when he cleans the common areas (our lunchroom microwave is spotless) but I do have a problem when he comes over to my desk when I am not around to "straighten up" the area. More than once I have had to hunt for important notes and files, only to discover that Alfred threw them away because they were not written neatly, and therefore looked like "doodles and scrap". Yesterday, Alfred threw away the iced coffee I had just bought on my lunch hour because it upset him that the cup was "sweating" onto my desk and making a ring on it.

I have tried to talk to HR about Alfred, and they in turn have tried to correct his behavior, but apparently Alfred has a disability, and the law requires he be given reasonable accommodations. The company is afraid to censure him for his behavior, which makes me think it is related to his disability.

I am ready to completely lose it on Alfred! His presence makes me anxious, and I am afraid to even get up and use the ladies' room out of fear that my important projects are going to disappear! Can you think of a polite way that I could deal with Alfred? Overall, he is a very sweet gentleman and I realize that he means well, but he is driving me batty!

Signed,
Frustrated Slob

Dear Frustrated Slob:

Your signature tells me that your desk must look like an eye-sore to Alfred. While it is your business to keep your desk in a way that you can manage to get your work done, it is businesslike for your desk to look like a hurricane just hit it. While this does not excuse Alfred's behavior, it does explain it. For the sake of sanity for the both of you, I am going to suggest a compromise.

If there is any form of paper or notes that are important to you, put them in a clearly labeled folder (you might even ask Alfred to make this folder for you, so he will recognize it when he sees it). Make it clear to Alfred that anything that is in this folder is not to be thrown away! The next time Alfred is unable to resist the urge to clean your desk while you are at lunch, he will understand that the contents of the folder are important; he may try to organize the folder, so if you have the contents in a particular order let Alfred know that everything is in place and the most he is allowed to do is align the edges of the papers.

If there is anything else that you do not want Alfred to touch - your iced coffee, for instance - let him know. Explain to him that rather than throw out your coffee he could wipe down the sides and create a coaster out of napkins or paper towels. While Alfred probably cannot overcome his basic urges to clean and tidy things, he can redirect these desires into healthier and more appropriate reactions. Please understand that Alfred does not mean to drive you "batty"; mental illness - if that is what is affecting his behavior - can be extremely difficult to overcome. Patience, understanding, and instruction are what is needed.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Ex-Boyfriend" Needs "Closure" To Let Go; May Suffer From Erotomania

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend (and I hesitate to elevate him to that status) "Spencer" - who I only dated for a few months - has enough issues to fill a month's worth of your columns; thus the reason he is an EX-boyfriend/guy I briefly dated. As I mentioned, we only dated for a few months (not quite two); but he refuses to leave me alone. He keeps asking if we can "try again". He suggests that we get together for coffee to discuss "what issues each of us needs to address and focus on changing" in order for the relationship to work.

First off, I do not believe we were together long enough to define what Spencer and I had as a "relationship"; and second, I do not want to get back together with him, so why should I focus on changing who I am to suit him? When I pointed these facts out to him (much more tactfully than I do here) Spencer went off into a tirade about how I am refusing to accept my "share of the responsibility for the failure of our relationship" and that this issue is adding to his already heavy stress load. Tazi, our relationship failed because he is a self-centered dreamer who is all talk and no action. With his charming personality he can win people over until they discover the truth about him: that every word out of his mouth is a lie; that he suffers from a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth; and that his charm is all that he has going for him. When I explained this to Spencer - in those exact words - he told me that I should get counseling, since I am obviously "deflecting" my own issues of low self-esteem onto him, and that he would be willing to accommodate me by attending couples' counseling with me. I do not suffer from low self-esteem, do not need counseling, and certainly do not want to attend couples' counseling with him because we are not - and never were - a couple! The relationship was never said to be exclusive, nor do I believe my actions led him to believe it was!

Tazi, I admit that I broke things off with him rather suddenly; telling him over the phone one night that I did not see a future between us and that I think we should make a clean break of things, but at least I told him voice to voice and not via text message. Spencer keeps telling me that I have "denied" him the "closure" he needs to move on with his life, and that I am not being fair to him by changing my phone number (which did not work; he managed to get the new one from a mutual acquaintance unfamiliar with the situation), ignoring his calls, and refusing delivery of the flowers he tries to send me. Short of taking out a restraining order against the guy, what can I do to get him to leave me alone? Should I meet him for coffee just this once to prove to him that there is nothing there?

Signed,
Moved On

Dear Moved On:

Obviously, whatever occurred between you and Spencer meant a lot more to him than it did to you. What the dynamic was between the two of you is something you do not mention - did you see each other every day? Once or twice a week? A few dates? Hot and heavy? You mention that exclusivity was never discussed; but it appears that Spencer assumed it. For this one reason, it would have been more appropriate to break up with him in person, not over the phone. Should Spencer call you again, I think a quasi-apology (from you) expressing this fact would be appropriate. You do not have to get all remorseful; just a simple, "Spencer, obviously our friendship meant more to you than I realized, and I should have respected your feelings enough to break up with you in person. However, what's done is done. I have moved forward with my life, and it would be best if you did the same". Notice that the words "I'm sorry" do not appear anywhere in the above statement.

If Spencer continues to suggest that you get together to discuss where things went wrong, answer the phone ONE TIME, to simply repeat that you have moved forward with your life and think it would be best if he moved on, as well. If he continues to demand "closure" tell him that this is the best that he is going to get from you. Ignore any further phone calls from him, as well as any other form of attempted contact - by giving him your attention you are giving him what exactly what he wants. It does not matter that you are thinking horrible thoughts about him; the point is, you are thinking of him.

If Spencer decides to bring things to the next level by following you around in person or showing up at places you frequent at times he knows you will be there, do your best to ignore him. If he approaches you, report him to the management; they will most likely ask him to leave the building. If he starts creeping on you via social media, block him and/or turn your page private for a few weeks - eventually, he will give up on you.

If none of these tactics work - or especially if they make the situation worse - Spencer may suffer from a rare (but very real) mental illness called "erotomania", a very serious disorder in which the stalker believes their victim(s) are truly in love with them but are just playing hard to get; and the more you push them away, the deeper they believe that you really and truly love them. In a case such as this - and you will know it if it is such a case - legal intervention will be necessary to secure your personal safety and mental well-being. An excellent book on this topic is I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love, a first-person account by Dr. Doreen Orion. Included in the book is a chapter on resources for the victims of erotomaniacs. I wish you all the best. Please write back to me to let me (and my readers) know how things turn out for you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Son Wants To Return To The Nest; Mother Is On The Fence

Dear Tazi:

I don't know what I am going to do with my adult son. "Harper" is 40-years-old and has never been able to hold a steady job. In fact, he was fired from his very first job at age 16, and has been unable to hold down steady employment ever since. From what I can tell, it is not that he is without skills; just without commitment to holding to a regular schedule. Harper enjoys his free time, and believes that a job should not encroach on his personal time. He has quit several jobs due to "differences with the management", as he puts it; "a refusal to follow direction", is how the management puts it. I know because a few of the jobs he has quit involved working for friends of my late husband.

My husband passed when our son was only ten years old, and he left Harper a large trust fund that was to be used for his college education or to be accessed on his 30th birthday, should Harper follow a career path that did not require college, figuring twelve years after high school graduation would be enough time for Harper to establish himself financially and the trust monies handled appropriately. My husband was a wise man and a hard worker but, sadly, our son did not inherit his father's work ethic or business sense. Harper has squandered all but the last few thousand dollars of his trust, and has asked to move into my guest cottage while he sorts out his issues. I agreed to Harper's request, but this was before I discovered some new information that has me wanting to turn back on our agreement.

In advance of moving in to my guest cottage, Harper has started having his mail delivered there. The mailman, not realizing that Harper was to stay in the cottage delivered Harper's correspondence to the main house; which is how I discovered that Harper has applied for Social Security [Disability] benefits. When I approached Harper about this disgrace, he did not deny it; claiming he suffers from depression, which is why he is unable to hold down a job. He informed me that his original filing had been rejected, as was his appeal, because his doctor was not properly certified. Harper did not have an attorney representing him because those he approached demanded he see a certified physician. All in all, this why Harper needs to move into my guest cottage until he can figure out how to secure a primary source of income, now that his trust monies have been depleted.

Tazi, my husband worked very hard to accumulate his wealth and was not at all adverse to sharing it with those in true need of assistance. If he were here today to see what a disgrace his son has become he would disown him! The only thing depressing Harper is his inability to continue sponging off of his late father. My sister suffered from depression, so I am aware of the signs and symptoms and have a genuine concern for those who exhibit them - which Harper does not. The only time he is at all depressed is when the latest party or road trip ends. I believe that the judge saw right through Harper's charade, which is why he was turned down for Social Security. (Did I mention that Harper also smokes marijuana, saying it is a treatment for his depression? Hogwash!).

I would like to tell Harper that I have changed my mind about allowing him to move into my guest cottage, but I am afraid that he will have nowhere else to turn and will end up sleeping on a couch in someone's basement. If, however, I allow him to move into my guest cottage I fear he will be living there until I join his father. Do you have any advice to offer, Tazi?

Signed,
Harped On

Dear Harped On:

I would first like to address your opinion that Harper's use of marijuana for the treatment of depression. According to a recent John's Hopkins University report hallucinogenic drugs have been shown to help people with mood disorders look at their problems from a different perspective. Marijuana is technically a hallucinogen, but the instance of hallucinogenic experiences while using the drug is very rare. The John Hopkins study did not include marijuana, focusing instead on hard drugs such as "MDMA (also known as the street drug "Ecstasy"), psilocybin ("magic mushrooms"), and ketamine ("Special K")"

In my Mommie's paraprofessional scientific opinion (she has a degree in Science, as well as Communications, but does not hold graduate credentials), any relief Harper gets from smoking marijuana is outweighed by the negative effects of the drug, which include a causal link to mood disorders; such as depression and amotivational syndrome - which may be what your son actually suffers, considering his work history. A psychological examination would be required for an actual and accurate diagnosis, which is why I recommend that you require Harper to get one as a condition to moving into your guest cottage. Should he refuse or claim that he has already received treatment, stand firm and tell him it's your guest cottage; so you make the rules for living there.

If a psychological workup by a properly certified psychiatrist shows that Harper is suffering from depression or any other type of mood disorder that leaves him unable to work the first step is to get him to quit smoking marijuana. If follow-up treatment shows no improvement for his mood disorder he is entitled to re-file for disability benefits. There is no shame in collecting SSDI benefits if they are truly needed. Included in these benefits is medical treatment for the root cause of the disability, in the hope that intensive treatment will cure the disability. SSDI benefits are not guaranteed for life and, in the case of those receiving benefits for mood disorders, a yearly review of benefits can be expected.

I understand your desire to be supportive of your son without being supportive of his bad habits; but at this time I believe you are in the perfect position to see that he gets the medical treatment he needs. In order to protect your own interests, though, I would recommend having your son sign a detailed lease outlining the terms and conditions of his taking up residence in your guest cottage. Your attorney can assist you with this matter, if necessary.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child's Safety Must Come Before Hurt Feelings

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue with my ex-husband and I am not certain how to deal with it. I liked the response you gave to the Mom whose ex-husband wanted to turn their daughters into toddlers with tiaras; and I am hoping you can give me some good advice, too.

"Edgar" (my ex) has suffered from what he calls phantom illness and the rest of the world calls hypochondria. I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, but he has been medically diagnosed with hypochondria - a diagnosis he refuses to accept. Edgar has claimed everything from depression (which only affected his ability to work, not to party, hang out with friends playing video games, or do anything else he enjoyed) to fibromyalgia (which again did not affect his ability to do things he enjoyed, including weightlifting). Essentially, if it is an illnesses that cannot be medically proved or disproved through definitive tests, Edgar has claimed to have it. After five years of this, I finally divorced him.

I am currently engaged to be married this June, and my son could not be more happy with my choice! He keeps asking me when he can start calling "Kyle" his step-dad, and is very excited that he will be have a big brother in Kyle's older son (who adores my son, as well). Seeing this family dynamic start to form has made me very happy, but Edgar very upset.

My ex-mother-in-law called me yesterday to tell me that Edgar seems truly depressed, and is talking about "ending it all" since he feels that he is "no longer needed". I have little to no contact with Edgar, except as it relates to our son, so I am unable to tell if Edgar is serious or exaggerating. I have said little to Edgar about my upcoming wedding, but I know that it is all my son talks about to whoever will listen, so I am pretty sure that Edgar is aware of our child's excitement, which I believe is what has triggered Edgar's veiled threats of suicide.

I once read a news story about a man who set fire to his house, killing both himself and his two precious sons. The visitation was supervised by a social worker, but the man locked her out once the children were inside the house. This tragedy has me on high alert for what I would normally just regard as Edgar being Edgar. I am petrified that Edgar will follow through on his threat to "end it all" and take my son with him when he does. Because of this, I have decided it best to suspend Edgar's visitation rights with our son (I have sole custody) until I feel that Edgar is well enough to handle himself emotionally. I informed him of this yesterday, while on the phone with his mother (he lives with her, and she picked up the other line when I asked her to simply put Edgar on the phone).

My decision has upset more than a few people, most especially Edgar and his mother; who feel my decision is what will put Edgar over the edge, leading him to make good on his threat. His mother actually told me that if her son kills himself it will be "[my] hands that his blood is upon". Dramatic, huh? Their reaction truly cemented my decision, and I plan on standing firm upon it.

Now that you know the background of my story, I am hoping that you can advise me on how to tell my son that he will not be seeing his father for a while. I do not wish to lie to my child; but I feel the truth will be a little to much for him to handle (he is only 7-years-old). Can you give me some words to work with, Tazi? I am afraid that anything I say will involve speaking poorly of Edgar, and I am trying to take the high road.

Signed,
"Poe" Me

Dear "Poe" Me:

I like your choice of signature! I am assuming this is why you chose to call your ex-husband "Edgar" in your letter! Paws up for your creativity! Now, onto your problem...

Edgar has been diagnosed with a form of mental illness - hypochondria - that responds well to treatment for most people but is something he refuses. The fact that he refuses to believe the diagnosis, coupled with the fact that his proclaimed illnesses are all impossible to test for with any scientific certainty (lab tests, X-rays, etc), makes me wonder if Edgar is simply a scam-artist and his latest claim - suicidal tendencies - is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. I am happy to see that you are not falling for it; however, any threat of suicide is something that must be taken seriously.

I, too, remember all too well the tragedy of those two boys from Utah; and I can see why this news story would make any parent a nervous wreck. Therefore, my advice to you is two-fold. I believe your first step should be to report Edgar's threats of suicide to a proper authority. Your attorney should be notified as to the reason you are withholding visitation, especially if it has been court-ordered. The courts may then order Edgar committed for a psychiatric evaluation. Once one has made a threat of suicide, the state can step in and force an evaluation. This may sound cruel and over-reactionary, but it really is the best and safest way to ensure Edgar's well-being and, by extension, your son's. Do not allow visitation to continue until Edgar has been properly evaluated and is receiving treatment. Your attorney can assist you with this matter.

Your second step is to explain to your son why he cannot see his father. Explain to him that his father is sick, and that is making him act cranky and in a way that is not very nice. Tell your son that his father needs to get treated to make sure he can be the best Dad he can possibly be; and in order to do that he needs to spend some time by himself to make sure he doesn't take his bad mood out on your son. This should be enough information for your son to process, without overwhelming him with the details. I wish you all the best with this delicate situation; and many blessings in your new marriage!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Depression Has Many Symptoms, Is A Treatable Illness

Dear Tazi:

My life has not been all that great in this busted economy, so I have taken to imagining that my life is ten times better than it ever was. In the evening, when I return home from a job I hate to a small apartment I despise to microwave a frozen dinner (the only kind I can afford) I imagine that I am wealthy, without a care in the world. Since all of my problems could be solved if only I had more money, these fantasies take me away from the cares of my real life. I love my fantasy life, and up until now it has kept me going in my real life.

A few months ago, my boss told me that she would be transferring to a different office and that I would have a new supervisor come summer. I like my old boss, and would have followed her to the out of state office where she transferred, except that there were no openings that covered relocation and I do not have the money to relocate. Do you see what I mean when I say that all of my trouble could be solved if I had more money?

My new boss is awful. I can’t stand working for her. She has no respect for anyone but herself. She came into the office and tried to change how everything is done; the first thing she did was fire all of the non-union employees so she could bring in her own people. My office is now filled with new people who are not nearly as pleasant as my old co-workers. On top of it all, my new boss came to work when she was sick and I caught her cold. This is where my problems get worse.

Since I was too sick to go to work, my doctor gave me a note to stay home. It was so nice not to have to go to work, and since I get paid sick time it did not impact me financially. When I got over my cold, I didn’t want to go back to work, so I lied and told the doctor I was still feeling fatigued and he wrote me out of work for another week. When that week was up, I still did not want to go back to the office so I told the doctor I was still not feeling well enough to return to work. I have [private disability insurance] so I still have money coming in to pay my bills even though I am not working.

My doctor has run all sorts of tests for various illnesses, from chronic fatigue syndrome to mono and all have come back negative. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out of work on medical leave, but the thought of going back leaves me feeling very depressed, especially since I have crawled further and further into my fantasy world since being home all this time. I have started to look for a better job, like I had before the economy went sour, but I am not having much luck. Can you think of any illnesses that I might ask my doctor to test me for, to keep me out of work just a little bit longer? Maybe until I can find a better job?

Signed,

Paradise Lost

Dear Paradise Lost:

I think you might be suffering from a very real illness called clinical depression; if your doctor has not had you screened for it yet I suggest you come clean to him and ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

While having a fantasy life is not uncommon and is actually a healthy way to deal with life’s everyday stresses, regressing into that fantasy life at the cost of living your own reality is not healthy. Your life does not sound very enviable, but pretending to be sick in order to remain out of work on leave is not going to improve your prospects at all. What is worse, and extended illness could actually hurt your chances of finding a new job, should your current employer report on you when called for an employee reference.

If you are suffering from depression there are medicines and counselors who can help you to overcome the symptoms and help you to function outside of your fantasy world. By following a prescribed medical plan, you will be able to work towards making your fantasies a reality – but you have to take the first step and get tested! Depression is a treatable illness. You will not be sent back to work right away, and your bills will be covered by your medical insurance. Since depression is a documented disability, your private disability insurance should cover you while you work towards recovery. I know it is hard, but once you find the courage to do the right thing things will get easier. Please write back in six months or so to let me and my readers know how you are doing!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Is Not Cyberstalking You (Or Kevin Bacon); Just Offers Relevant Advice

Dear Tazi:

Whenever you publish a letter about a person having personal problems with life, relationships, or just in general I feel like you are talking about me. I do not mean specific problems, like the woman who destroyed her mother-in-law's expensive sofa or the one who is considering dating a sex offender; but general letters about problems with life not working out on any level.

Do you go around reading random Facebook and Twitter feeds until you find someone with more issues than they can handle, so they use social media as an outlet for their stress, and then make up letters to print based upon their issues? Are you making fun of people like me? Or are your letters real, and just seem to relate to my life because other people have similar problems with life just plain [stinking]?

Signed,
Life [Stinks]

Dear Life [Stinks]:

I am sorry to hear that your life is so difficult that you cannot find lasting happiness in any area of it. Do you suffer from paranoia, in addition to depression? I just have to ask because the answer to your question is no, I do not go around randomly checking people's Facebook and Twitter accounts for issues to resolve in my column. Do you realize how much time that would entail? My nap schedule would be thrown into complete chaos!! Cats need at least 20 hours of sleep a day in order to function. Not to mention I would have no time to help my Mommie by jumping onto her lap when she is trying to work. Besides, I am too busy cyber stalking Kevin Bacon to fit anyone else into my schedule. (Mmmmmm......bacon!).

Furthermore, I am not making fun of anyone when I print their letters. If someone has the courage to write to me for advice, I am going to give them the best answer possible. As strange and/or entertaining as some letters may seem - like the man who claims he wears ladies silk panties because they cost less than men's silk boxers - they are all real. The only things I change are names that do not come with quotation marks around them. I also edit for content and length, as well as grammatical accuracy. I have readers from around the world, and accurate grammar allows for accurate translations.

My letters are chosen for print for a variety of reasons - some because they are amusing, like the one about the teacup dog in the baby stroller; some because they are from children, like the boy who wanted to know how to convince his Mom to get a puppy; some because they are follow-up letters, like the mother of the aforementioned boy whose husband brought home a puppy; some because they are just plain out there, like the letter about the wife with a Puss in Boots obsession or the nose-picking co-worker; and most because they are issues that people can relate to their own lives - as you have discovered.

I will take your questions as a compliment, since it means that the letters I choose to publish reach a wider audience than their writers!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I do not really stalk Mr. Kevin Bacon! (Mmmmm....bacon!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.