After The Wedding, It Is REALLY Time To Grow Up!

Dear Tazi:

When I was a child, a unicorn was my imaginary friend. I would watch My Little Pony cartoons and wish I could be magically transported to the land of Ponyville where I could live with all the ponies and their friends. I am now an adult and am preparing to be married. My fiancé is unaware of my imaginary friend, but he is aware of my love of unicorns and has graciously given in to having a unicorn and rainbow themed wedding. The reception hall will be decorated like Ponyville and the wedding favors will be My Little Pony ponies with our names and wedding date airbrushed on the sides.


Welcome to Ponyville!

I realize that all of this sounds like a dream come true, but I am afraid it will all turn into a nightmare after my husband discovers that I have a stuffed unicorn and My Little Pony collection big enough to fill a good sized basement. My mother has held onto my collection for me, but has always said that once I am married with a place of my own she wants her basement back. My fiancé owns his own home, and it is into his house we will be moving after the wedding. His basement is furnished and has a huge bar with a sports theme throughout, including many signed collectibles. I couldn’t possibly ask him to make room for Ponyville – his friends are already giving him a hard time about the Ponyville themed wedding.

Could you please print my letter in your column? I am hoping that my fiancé will see it and realize how important my unicorn and My Little Pony collection is to me, and that he will then offer me room to re-create Ponyville alongside his sports kingdom. It’s the only way I can think of to save Ponyville!

Sincerely,
Pony Girl

Dear Pony Girl:

Men everywhere are going to hate me for printing this letter, but here it is anyway – but only because Hasbro, a Rhode Island based company, makes My Little Pony and I never miss an opportunity to promote a local enterprise.

If you are afraid to ask your fiancé/husband directly for something that should tell you that your request is probably a selfish one. Put yourself in his shoes: Would you give up your Ponyville wedding for a sports-themed extravaganza, complete with mini football helmets for favors? I didn’t think so; therefore, I give my full support to the resounding “NO!” that your fiancé is going to give you. As for what happens to Ponyville, that is up to you and your mother. If she wants her basement back, I suggest you box it up and rent a storage facility; or better yet donate your collection to the local children’s hospital, so a new generation of children can enjoy these wonderful toys and so you can feel the fulfillment that comes with letting go in order to help others.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Your fiancé sounds like a saint!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bigotry Does Not Belong Inside A Church

Dear Tazi:

I will be getting married this summer and it will be a church wedding. My problem is that my future brother-in-law is gay and he is refusing to attend the ceremony if he cannot bring his life partner with him. While I understand his position I am in no position to try and accommodate him. I have no problem with him attending the ceremony or the reception with his partner, but his parents have never fully accepted his sexuality and are making a huge deal over it, saying a gay couple “should have enough humility before the Lord not to flaunt their sins in His house”. Wow, yeah, I know, right?

It is not as though “Chip” and “Dale” are a couple of drag queens, nor do they “flaunt” their sexuality. In fact, if you did not know they were gay you would think that they are just good friends, like any two other guys. My fiancé would like to ditch the idea of a church wedding and hold the ceremony in the same hall as our reception. I was raised and baptized in our shared faith, and I would like for us to get married proper – in a church; one that reflects and practices our church traditions. Besides, the church is already booked and has been for several months now.

My fiancé says I am being unreasonable and that an unwillingness to compromise on such an important point is no way to start married life. I believe that important points should not be open to compromise; that agreement should be reached before a decision is implemented. My future brother-in-law is being extremely understanding and has told me that he understands my position and principles, and he would never ask me to compromise my principles in order to accommodate his. Unfortunately, by not being at the ceremony he will be unable to stand up for his brother. I forgot to mention that – Chip and Dale would not even be sitting together at the ceremony because Chip would be in the wedding party while Dale sits in t he congregation.

My wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and yet all I am feeling is stress. Who among us is being the unreasonable one? Is it me?

Signed,
Bride To Be In Bensenville

Dear Bride To Be In Besenville:

A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life so far; if it was the happiest day of her life (period) she would not have much to look forward to from that day on, now would she? Also, as you are discovering, celebrations that require any kind of planning can be very stressful. If you expected your wedding planning to be completed without a hitch I am wondering just what you expect for married life!

Who is being unreasonable? Let’s look at all sides of the equation:

There are your parents-in-law, who do not wish to allow a gay couple into their church because they consider their son’s sexuality to be sinful. They think the mere presence of his partner will be disrespectful to the Lord. Personally, I find this view unreasonable. Did not Christ surround Himself with those whom society rejected? Did He not accept water from the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4)? While I find your in-laws intolerance to be a reflection on them, I think they are reacting more out of fear of being disrespected by others for showing acceptance to those that their community rejects. They need to ask themselves WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)? How would you act in a situation where you were afraid of being harshly judged? I do not know what denomination you are, but to quote Pop Francis, "If someone is gay, who searches for the Lord and has goodwill, who am I to judge?" So I ask, who are your in-laws to judge? I, for one, can only pity their shortsightedness.

Next let’s look at Chip’s position, as it is a difficult one: he does not wish to enter a building where he and his partner are not welcome as a couple, yet he and his partner will not be attending the wedding itself as a couple; Chip will be on the alter with the rest of the wedding party and Dale will be seated in the congregation. More importantly, it is not the church leaders who are refusing him admission to the ceremony, but his parents. Is Chip’s refusal to attend the wedding ceremony – and therefore his refusal to stand up for his brother – an issue of principle or an issue with his parents? If the church leaders have expressed a refusal to allow Chip to attend the ceremony, then please – for the love of all that is holy – find another church! This is one way in which you could accommodate Chip, in spite of your protests that you are "in no position" to do so. There are many churches that are accepting of people regardless of their “sins”, be they homosexual or heterosexual in form, if you catch my meaning. (If you don't, try and remember your church's teachings on premarital sexual relations!).

Last but most importantly you need to look at how you and your fiancé are handling this matter: he believes in compromise, you believe in a united front. I believe that without the desire or ability to compromise your marriage is completely doomed to failure. The issue of a church wedding versus a reception hall wedding is an area where compromise will be essential. If getting married in the church is important to you, would you consider a Unitarian church? They are welcoming to all who believe and, unlike a reception hall, offer hallowed places for your ceremony.

In the end, I think that everyone involved is being unreasonable in one way or the other. We are all God’s children, and all are welcome in His house. Those who refuse to extend that welcome are the greatest sinners of all.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Tangled Web Is Woven When One Family Member Blackmails Another

Dear Tazi:

I own a lucrative rental property in a popular skiing town. I have owned it for many, many years and it has been in the family since before the town became fashionable (I inherited it from my Mom, who inherited it from her father). I have kept the place in good repair and kept up on the ever increasing taxes, using the rental income to reinvest in the property through home improvements and additions over the years. I hope to someday leave this income property to my only child, and I wish to leave it to her in the condition I have kept it.

My friends all understand that my property is a rental, and not something that I give away for free; my family is another story. I do not ski, so my cousins who do ski think that I should allow them the use of the property free of charge – because “after all, it is a family property”. They have absolutely no connection to the property! My grandfather, the original owner, was their uncle who turned down the opportunity to share ownership – and expenses – of the property when Grandpa first bought it. I have explained to them I several different ways that the property is not a “family property” nor is it free to use.

This week I received a “Save the Date” card from the daughter of one of my skiing cousins, informing me (as well as everyone else these cards were sent to) that she will be getting married on New Year’s Eve. I developed a sense of unease when I saw that she included the location as the ski town where my rental property is, and completely flipped my lid when I saw the accompanying note telling me she would appreciate if I gave her the use of the chalet and property for the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s – free of charge – as a wedding gift, because her plan is to have the wedding in the same town. Tazi, even if the place was not already booked for that week, I would not give it to this woman as a wedding gift! It costs $2,000 to rent for that one week and quite frankly I am not particularly close to this woman’s mother.

I immediately dashed off an email telling my cousin’s daughter that she would have to make other plans for her wedding venue because my property is booked. She wrote back a tirade of how terrible I have been to her family over the years, refusing them the use of my property. She also sent me a copy of my property listing on a review site, trashing me as a landlord and my property as an “overpriced dump”, adding that the 5-star reviews the place received were either old or fakes. I am positively livid, as the start of ski season is upon us and I still have available bookings to fill.

I would rather prevent any financial loss from occurring than sue for damages, but my cousin’s daughter outright refuses to remove the false and slanderous review unless I give in to her wishes. I will not be blackmailed, Tazi, but what else can I do? Is there any way to prove to the world her review is a fake?

Signed,
Worried Out West

Dear Worried Out West:

Your cousins sound like a treasure; I would love to bury them in my litter-box.


My junk is valuable!
To answer your question, yes; there is a way to prove to the world that her review is a fake. You should contact the Customer Service Department of the review website and explain that the review is a fake and an attempt to blackmail you into offering someone a free week at your chalet. Once you have a contact name, send them the emails as supporting documentation. The review will be removed, although the damage it has already done cannot be undone.

Your next step should be to contact your local authorities and report this attempt to defraud you and your property. Blackmail is a crime, and your cousin’s daughter has provided more than enough evidence in her emails to you to make the charges stick, should you decide to file any. You may want to try and reach a civil agreement first, wherein your cousin’s daughter will be responsible for any financial damages you incur from her preposterous stunt. I realize this woman is young, and she sounds like a spoiled brat, so the threat of a criminal record could be all the lesson she needs to improve her attitude.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Georgia Bulldog Follows A Tradition That Family Does Not Understand

Dear Tazi:

I am a huge sports fan. I love my teams - professional and college (Go Georgia Bulldogs!!!) - and attend several games a year; including the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry, for which I travel back to Georgia every year. The dates of my travel games are known well in advance, and I make my plans well in advance, too. I have been making the trip back to Georgia for the past fifteen years (since I graduated from the University of Georgia), so my habits are nothing new. My entire family knows how important these games are to me, and MOST have been understanding enough not to plan any major events that would conflict.

My problem is my sister. She got engaged this past Christmas, and decided to set her wedding date for the same day as the UGA-Auburn game (that's the game I am referring to when I mention "the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry"); the most important game of the year! People come "home" from all over the world to attend this game; buying tickets as soon as they go on sale - in fact, I had just bought my tickets when she announced her wedding date: 11-15-14. Her reason for picking this date? Because her Astrologer told her that this date would result in a "fruitful marriage. (My sister is 42 and is done having kids, so it is not like her biological clock is ticking. This will be her third marriage, too, so I think she is hoping that the word "fruitful" is not being used in the Biblical sense). I explained to her that I would not be able to attend her wedding that weekend and asked her to reschedule, but she just flew into a Bridezilla rage and called me every name in the book.

My family is from up North, so they don't understand the full meaning of the game tradition; which is why they feel I should be the one to cancel my plans in order to attend my sister's wedding. I offered to compromise if she would - I would fly home early and be there for the week of planned, pre-wedding celebrations; but she has her heart set on the date she chose and refused to budge, calling me a "bad brother". I am afraid I lost my temper and told her that she should get married on 12-13-14 if all she cared about was the superstitions of astrology and numerology, and now she is not speaking to me. My mother has suggested that I cancel my trip "in order to make peace", but as I see it that would just be letting my sister have her way.

Tazi, do you have any idea on how I can get myself out of this mess - without pulling a no-show to the greatest game of the season?

Signed,
A Bulldog In The Doghouse

Dear Bulldog:

If there is only one thing I know about the South it is that tradition comes before everything. I have met women in their 40's who return "home" for their sorority installation ceremonies and men of the same age who will plan their family vacation around the type of football rivalry games you have described. Some may find this way of life disturbing; I find it refreshing that respect for tradition is not lost in the hustle and bustle of every day commitments.

Being a Northerner, the closest thing to a rivalry game I have ever attended is the University of RI - Providence College basketball game, which is something fewer and fewer people seem to care about every year and especially this one as neither team has done well in the past few years. What can I say? Many Northern teams have fair-weather fans, and this appears to be the point of view from which your family is viewing your situation. You need to educate them on the historical importance of this game - share with them the rich history of the game; how it goes back over a century; and why the rivalry still exists today. Tell them of the camaraderie that occurs between fans, turning strangers into friends and friends into extended family.

The fact that you have been making this trip for 15 years speaks to the importance of this event and while I realize that your sister's wedding is also important, her reasoning for choosing the date she chose; her Bridzilla meltdown; and her complete refusal to compromise shows a complete lack of maturity and sensitivity on her part. She is, however, a blood relation; and as the expression goes, blood is thicker than water - even if you do bleed black as well as red. The game time has yet to be announced, but these games generally take place in the afternoon or the evening. Would your sister be adverse to having a morning wedding; at a time that would allow you to at least attend the ceremony (although not the reception) before hopping a plane to attend your game? Since neither of you wishes to budge, this appears to be the only compromise possible.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Future Groom Ashamed Of His Family's Embarrassing Behavior

Dear Tazi:

My father is an ethnic stereotype: he is an Irish-Catholic man, complete with red hair and freckles, who drinks too much; beats up on my mother; and has fathered more children than he has the money to support. I escaped the house by moving away to college (to that famous Irish-Catholic university, of course). I found a job in the greater-metropolitan area a month before I graduated and have never bothered to return home, except for the occasional visit to see my mother.

I will be getting married this winter, and my fiancée has never met my parents. She keeps talking about how excited she is to meet my parents and asking why I never talk about them. Tazi, I am not embarrassed or ashamed of where I come from; I am just tired of dealing with their behavior. I know that they will never change – Dad will continue to live in a constantly drunken state and Mom will continue to wear long sleeves in 90-degree weather. I would really prefer to keep our relationship a politely detached one, with a respectful amount of distance between us. To be blunt, I would prefer to not invite my parents to the wedding but I doubt my fiancée would agree to that without a full explanation as to why I do not want them there.

My biggest fear about having my parents at my wedding is that Dad will show up drunk, remain drunk, and continue drinking until he passes out on the dance floor because “It’s a celebration!” I am not exaggerating, Tazi; this is exactly what happened at my sister’s wedding a few years ago, while all the while Mom kept making excuses for his behavior.

Should I delve into the whole mess of my parents issues with my fiancée? Ask one of my sisters to do it for me (two of them will be bridesmaids)? Or suck it up and hope that my father will have learned from his past behavior?

Signed,
Husband-To-Be

Dear Husband-To-Be:

Are you certain that you are not ashamed of your parents? You describe your father as “an ethnic stereotype” and refuse to talk about him with your fiancée. I realize that you do not wish to rehash all the details of your childhood, but a simple explanation along the lines of “my father is an abusive alcoholic and my mother is his enabler” would suffice to let your future wife know why you wish to exclude your parents from your nuptial festivities.

If you are truly emotionally stunted to the point that you cannot find the fortitude to discuss this matter with your fiancée, and your two sisters who are serving with bridesmaids are close enough to your fiancée and comfortable enough with the mission, then I would say it is alright for them to broach the subject with her. However, you should not be at all surprised if your fiancée is hurt that you did not approach her yourself. A part of marriage is being able to share all of yourself with your spouse, not just the comfortable stuff.

A practical but unpopular solution to your problem would be to have a dry wedding, serving only coffee; tea; and soft drinks. Instead of a champagne toast, a sparkling white grape juice toast could substitute. It’s just a thought.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. There are several famous Irish-Catholic colleges, from the University of Notre Dame to Boston College. Your coyness annoys me!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Elvish Wedding Leaves Guest Out Of Her Element

Dear Tazi:

This past June I attended the wedding of a dear friend’s daughter; it was the most unorthodox wedding I have ever attended and I am not certain how to handle the fallout from events that occurred that day.

“Phoenix”, as my friend’s daughter now calls herself, insisted on holding the wedding outdoors; down a long, brambly trail near a swamp where a man dressed in the strangest robes I have ever seen performed the ceremony in a language I have never heard. Later when I asked, Phoenix informed me that the language was Elvish; that we were on their lands and that we needed to be respectful of their culture. With this in mind, she requested that I remove my shoes because the heels were poking holes in the soil. Tazi, I was not going to remove my shoes in that swampland and informed Phoenix of this fact. She refused to accept my decision and told (not requested – told) me to leave. I left, but not before retrieving the generous wedding gift I had offered to the couple.

Tazi, you can imagine my shock when my friend called me this week to ask about the wedding gift I had given to her daughter. Phoenix claims that it “went missing” around the time I told her that I had a headache and left early. Tazi, I was speechless! I did not claim to have a headache and leave; I am angry that Phoenix would lie to her own mother to cover for her rude behavior; and am shocked that she still expects to receive a wedding gift after she dismissed me from her reception! Unprepared to answer, I told my friend I would see to replacing the check I had written to Phoenix as a wedding gift and suggested that the wind may have blown it away – or perhaps the elves that lived in the swamp commandeered it as a damage deposit. My friend did not know what I meant by this, so I told her that her daughter would understand perfectly.

Tazi, I like to think I got my message across to Phoenix, but I cannot be sure. Do you think I should write her a note explaining why I took back the card and enclosed check I had offered as a gift? Or should I just let the whole thing go? I am not sure what to say if my friend brings up the subject again.

Signed,
Madame Tradition

Dear Madame Tradition:

I can understand why you took your gift back when you left, although it was a terrible breech of etiquette when you did. I will allow you to get away with it, considering the way you were treated, if you give the correct answers to the following questions:

1. Was Phoenix aware that you had presented a gift? Or was she just guessing that you put a card with a check in it into the collection basket? (The latter is the correct answer).

2. If Phoenix was aware that you provided a card, did she know that there was money in it? Or, again, was she just guessing that a gift was enclosed? (Again, the latter is the correct answer).

3. Did you write a check for Phoenix and her husband or did you slip cash in the envelope? (Wrote a check is the correct answer).

4. Was the envelope opened when you took it back and left? (Please say that it was unopened).

If Phoenix was aware that there was a gift enclosed in the card and knew of the amount enclosed, you are obligated by the rules of etiquette to return it to her. If this is the case and you provided cash in the envelope, you are obligated to return it to her because once a gift is given it becomes the property of the recipient. If Phoenix is merely guessing that you provided a gift and/or a card, you are under no obligation to give it back, but your friendship with her mother may depend upon it.

I would not write a letter to Phoenix, as this would provide tangible proof of the riff that has occurred between the two of you, and will most likely drag your friend into the middle of it. A short phone call to Phoenix can straighten the entire situation. Tell her that in her distress over the Elves she must have mistaken your reason for leaving, and offer to let her mother know the true reason for your early departure. If the woman has any scruples at all she will drop the demand for a gift.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I'm a cat and even I know that Elves habituate in the woods, not the swamps! J.R.R. Tolkien must be rolling in his grave right now!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A "Wizard Of Oz" Wedding Is Not For Everyone

Dear Tazi:

I read your recent column about the woman who was to get married later this summer. She and her boyfriend both work as circus clowns and he wanted to get married in full makeup and costume. I am in a similar situation, so I showed your answer to my girlfriend who thinks ours is a completely different situation. We have agreed to follow your advice.

My girlfriend and I are planning our wedding. We met while in high school while acting in a community theater production of The Wizard of Oz, and the play/movie have always been special to us. She played the lead role of Dorothy while I was a talking tree that threw apples at her. For our wedding, my "Dorothy" would like to have a Wizard of Oz theme. She has suggested that she dress as Dorothy and I could be the Tin Man, because he didn't know what it felt to love until he met Dorothy. She even wants the preacher to dress up like the Wizard of Oz himself and for the honor attendants to dress as Munchkins; and oh, yeah, for her dog "Toto" to be the ring-bearer! The aisle would even be a yellow brick road, and her bouquet would be a replica of the basket Dorothy carried throughout the movie and, yes, she would be wearing blue gingham and ruby red slippers.

I was sort of OK with the whole idea until Dorothy suggested that my mother dress as the Wicked Witch of the West as a "joke" since mothers-in-law are supposed to be witches (she wanted her own mother to dress as Glinda the Good Witch). I didn't find this at all funny and told her I would not go along with the Wizard of Oz theme if my mother had to be the evil witch. Dorothy thinks I am being unreasonable, that the whole theme is all in good fun. She suggested I ask my Mom her opinion about dressing up as the Wicked Witch of the West before I refuse to go along with the theme. I suggested that she do the same, but Dorothy has apparently "promised" her Mom that she could be Glinda. I know my Mom, and she will not take this very well. What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Feeling Like The Cowardly Lion

Dear Feeling Like the Cowardly Lion:

I am in LOVE with your wedding theme! Who doesn't love The Wizard of Oz? Oh, that's right...the person who is told they must paint themselves green, dress up as a witch, and be escorted by a blue-skinned flying monkey.

From the sound of your wedding plans, the whole theme has been planned for quite some time. It sounds like Dorothy has her heart set on a Wizard of Oz theme, so I doubt anything I have to say will talk her out of this. I am, however, putting my paw down at making your Mom dress up as the Wicked Witch of the West. Please do not think of yourself as a Cowardly Lion; unless your mother has an amazing sense of humor, anyone would be scared to approach the woman who raised them with this type of request. Are your honor attendants aware that they will be asked to dress as the Lullaby League and the Lollipop Guild? The preacher aware that he will be dressed as the Wizard? Or are you waiting for a special moment to spring this information on all of them? Might I suggest a compromise?

It is obvious that the whole Wizard of Oz theme is important to you, but you might want to scale back the ideas of costumes for all. The Tin Man costume involves extensive makeup and a very uncomfortable costume. Have you thought about this yet? In the film version of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy was supposed to be a young girl. Is this how your Dorothy would like to be dressed on her wedding day? I believe traditional wedding garb (for ALL, not just the bride and groom!) would be more appropriate, with the ruby red slippers making for a nice touch. You can still walk down the yellow brick road to the alter, hold your reception in an Emerald City themed ballroom, and have all the accouterments of Oz without offending your family, friends, or guests.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's The Parents And Not The Bride That's A 'Zilla!

Dear Tazi:

I am getting married this summer – in the same church that my parents and grandparents did – and I am having a problem with my guest list. My parents have long been legally separated (since I was a very young child), but due to moral beliefs (and financial comforts) they have never divorced. My mother has enjoyed her freedom from being one-half of a couple, and has never expressed interest in meeting anyone new; my father, on the other hand, has had one girlfriend after another, each one younger than the last. He has been with his current girlfriend for two years now (a record). She is only eight years older than me.

Dad has told me how disappointed “Courtney” is that she was not asked to be in my wedding party, and he has told me that she “had better” be invited to the wedding or he will not be attending. Tazi, I never even considered asking Courtney to be in my wedding party, so I have no idea why she is so disappointed. I also have no plans on issuing Courtney a separate or inclusive invitation to my wedding, but was going to address my father’s invitation with “and Guest” out of courtesy to him. When I informed him of this plan, Dad did not take it too well, accusing me of offering Courtney an “unvitation”.

The truth is, Tazi, I would prefer that Courtney not be present at my wedding at all. My father is still married by law, if not in spirit, and this will be a church wedding. The presence of his girlfriend by his side would be wholly inappropriate! I do not mind so much if she comes to the reception, because that will be held in a banquet facility that is not affiliated with the church.

My grandmother, who is paying for my wedding, is scandalized that my father would even consider bringing Courtney to the church and is outraged over the ultimatum; however a church is a public building and I would have to right to ask her to leave if he did bring her, so long as she was not being disruptive. A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be one of the most special days of her life, and I feel like mine is an impending disaster!

Signed,
August Bride

Dear August Bride:

You are right that a church is a sacred place, and for a married man to sit with his legal wife on one side and his girlfriend on the other would be quite scandalous, as well as disrespectful. Could the Pastor of the church have a word with your father about the Church’s view on this matter? Maybe hearing from a man/woman of the cloth will be enough for your father to see that you are not the only one who finds this arrangement to be disrespectful.

In reading between the lines of your letter, I get the distinct impression that you are displeased with the way your father has lived his life since his separation from your mother. You do not mention your age, just that your parents have been separated since you were “a very young child”. I will assume that you are around the age of 25, which is the average age of a bride in America today, meaning your parents have been separated for about 20 years. You say that he has had “one girlfriend after another” during this time, the longest relationship being two years. Yikes! That is a lot of women to parade in and out of a child’s life. I can see why you do not feel a sense of closeness to Courtney. This is the issue that I think you need to address.

You are an adult now, and you need to start acting like one. Rather than have your father act as a go-between for you and Courtney, I suggest you contact her yourself. Invite her out to coffee (people are less likely to make a scene in a public place) and tell her what your father has told you: that she is disappointed that she was not asked to be a member of your wedding party. If she truly is disappointed, this topic could be a springboard into why she feels disappointed. Considering your closeness in age it is possible that she is seeking a sisterly relationship with you. Is this something you could accept?

Once the ice is broken between the two of you, calmly and rationally explain to Courtney the awkward situation you are in: that you have no problem with her coming to the reception, but that your parents are still technically married; that the church is a sacred place (for several reasons); that your grandmother – who is paying for the wedding – is practically apoplectic over the idea of Courtney attending the ceremony and sitting by your father’s side.

You could then suggest the following, if Courtney does not offer a solution of her own that is to your liking: She could (A) Skip the ceremony and attend the reception or (B) Offer to attend the ceremony but sit separate from your father, in the seats reserved for the guests (as opposed to in the front pew with the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom). If Courtney has any class at all, she will put aside her hurt feelings and accept her role as a martyr to good taste. In my opinion, her acceptance of this role will raise her stock in the eyes of all involved.

If Courtney refuses to accept any of the options offered to her and cannot come up with a reasonable option of her own, you will have done all that you can and should inform your father that his presence at your wedding will be missed. I have yet to find a man who would miss his daughter’s wedding over such a petty issue – especially when you will have had jumped through hoops to resolve it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Church Wedding Is No Place To Clown Around

Dear Tazi:

Ever since I was a child, I have had a desperate fear of clowns. I do not usually talk about this phobia, since it rarely pops up as a cause for concern in my daily life. So, why am I writing to you about this issue? My sister, who is an honest-to-God circus performer is getting married to one of her co-workers who is - you guessed it - a clown.

My sister is aware of my phobia, and has blessedly kept it to herself. She is in the process of planning her wedding and would like me to be her Matron of Honor; unfortunately, her husband-to-be wants to get married in full makeup, complete with white-face groomsmen. Just the thought of having to look across the aisle at a row of clowns is enough to make me pass out from fear, so I cannot imagine how I will work up the courage to face them in person on my sister's wedding day.

Obviously, I want to be there for my sister, but if the wedding turns into a circus - literally - I am afraid I will have to bow-out of my duties and decline any invitation to the wedding itself. I do not wish to be cruel to my sister and future brother-in-law, but I also do not wish to cause a scene and steal the attention on their big day. Please do not suggest counseling, Tazi, I have tried and tried and it just does not work. My fear of clowns is deep-rooted, and I have made several attempts to overcome it.

My sister is trying to convince her future husband that they should take their wedding plans in a different direction; that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair and that she plans on reciting her vows to him, not his alter-ego. So far, he will not budge on the matter and my sister does not know how to go about changing his mind - after all, the circus is a big part of who they are; and she is unable to explain her reluctance to go with this theme without outing me as a clownaphobe. My future brother-in-law is a huge practical joker, so my sister and I both fear how he might use this information to his advantage and my humiliation.

Tazi, do you have any suggestions on how to keep this train wreck from happening? It is to be a church wedding, if knowing this helps at all.

Signed,
Matron of Honor?

Dear Matron of Honor?

First, let me offer my best wishes to your sister! She sounds like an absolute peach to want to accommodate your coulrophobia - the correct term for the fear of clowns - and keep your confidence in the process. You sound like a wonderful sister, too, for wanting to give your sister the best of both worlds on her wedding day - an elegant affair from which you do not run screaming.

Your sister's argument that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair is a sound one, and I am hoping that she will be able to convince her fiancé to accept a toned down plan for their big day. Her argument that she is marrying the man and not the man behind the mask is also excellent. I am not certain as to the laws in your state or place of worship, but there are many who will refuse to marry those who are hiding their true face. Therefore, the whole idea of clown makeup may be a non-issue after all.

You must remember that a wedding is about two people, so compromise on both sides may have to occur. The first suggestion that comes to mind is to have a clown-themed bachelor party, where your future brother-in-law and his groomsmen can clown around all they like while keeping the wedding ceremony a clown-free event. Your sister would do well to gently remind her fiancé that not everyone likes clowns. Although there are no hard and fast statistics to be found, according to Discovery Health approximately 9% of Americans suffer from phobias, including clowns. It would be a shame for you to miss your sister's wedding because of this phobia, but it would be a catastrophe for wedding guests to run screaming from the church when they catch sight of a gaggle of clowns on the alter. Your sister could present this situation to her fiancé as she puts her foot down for a clown-free wedding. As for the reception...

Many wedding receptions have slide-shows or PowerPoint presentations of the lives and courtship of the bride and groom. If your sister and future brother-in-law are planning such a show, you will have to understand and accept that it will probably feature pictures of clowns. Know this in advance, and plan accordingly, as you may need to excuse yourself during this part of the festivities.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. It is one thing to be a practical joker and another thing to be sadistic. Is your future brother-in-law truly the type to find humor in a person's phobias? If so, this is an entirely different issue. --T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Needs to Be The Best, Bride Fears Being Topped On Her Wedding Day

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who reminds me of the Dilbert character “Topper”. Whatever you say, she can top it. When I broke my ankle and needed help getting around, she droned on about how she once broke her leg in three places but still managed to get the grocery shopping done with no assistance (her brother secretly told me that it was a slight fracture, and that she used the Stop and shop Peapod® service!). Another time, a mutual friend was describing her vacation to the Açores – a trip she had to save for for two years – when Topper interrupted her to tell of her planned trip to the Galapagos Islands; when the trip did not materialize she claimed that she had to cancel it due to the fact that her company simply could not run without her for the two weeks she planned on being gone. Barf.

I am engaged and am planning my wedding. Topper has offered to plan it for me, as her wedding gift to my fiancé and me. While I have to admit she does have some amazing connections and huge talents in the area of event planning (she is a professional event planner), I am afraid that if I accept my wedding will turn into The Topper Show. My fiancé would prefer that Topper have nothing to do with the planning of our wedding, but so far he has had nothing to do with the planning of our wedding, either. All of the work has fallen upon me, and I am feeling slightly overwhelmed. I cannot afford to pay for a wedding planner, and Topper really wants to do it. In spite of her need to be the best at everything, she is a really great person and a good friend in all other aspects. What do you say, Tazi?

Signed,
Topped Off

Dear Topped Off:

I can see your predicament. On the one hand, free wedding planning services from a professional event planner can be a huge temptation; the only problem is that your wedding guests may have to spend the day hearing Topper brag about how she planned the whole day. However, I have a feeling that as a wedding guest Topper will be making every conversation about her anyway, so why fight her when you can make her an ally?

Sometimes, the best way to stop someone from going down a particular path is to cut them off at the pass. I suggest that you accept Topper’s generous offer to plan your wedding as her gift to you. In return for her generosity, you can publically thank her by adding your ebullient and gracious thanks to her at the end of your wedding program. This should give Topper all the attention she wants – and deserves for her efforts. If your wedding guests know enough to compliment Topper for her efforts she may suddenly be struck by a sense of humility, brought on by the sense of fulfillment she is so desperately seeking. Of course, things may go the exact opposite way, too, with Topper basking in your limelight, but that is one reason why you have a Maid/Matron of Honor – to handle problems that crop up so you can enjoy your special day. Make sure that your Honor attendant is aware of Topper’s possible behavior, and make certain that she feels comfortable handling Topper’s special temperament.

I wish you all the best as your wedding approaches and in your married life!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. As for your fiancé’s opinion, until he starts helping you with the wedding planning he has no right to turn down Topper’s offer! --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child's Safety Must Come Before Hurt Feelings

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue with my ex-husband and I am not certain how to deal with it. I liked the response you gave to the Mom whose ex-husband wanted to turn their daughters into toddlers with tiaras; and I am hoping you can give me some good advice, too.

"Edgar" (my ex) has suffered from what he calls phantom illness and the rest of the world calls hypochondria. I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, but he has been medically diagnosed with hypochondria - a diagnosis he refuses to accept. Edgar has claimed everything from depression (which only affected his ability to work, not to party, hang out with friends playing video games, or do anything else he enjoyed) to fibromyalgia (which again did not affect his ability to do things he enjoyed, including weightlifting). Essentially, if it is an illnesses that cannot be medically proved or disproved through definitive tests, Edgar has claimed to have it. After five years of this, I finally divorced him.

I am currently engaged to be married this June, and my son could not be more happy with my choice! He keeps asking me when he can start calling "Kyle" his step-dad, and is very excited that he will be have a big brother in Kyle's older son (who adores my son, as well). Seeing this family dynamic start to form has made me very happy, but Edgar very upset.

My ex-mother-in-law called me yesterday to tell me that Edgar seems truly depressed, and is talking about "ending it all" since he feels that he is "no longer needed". I have little to no contact with Edgar, except as it relates to our son, so I am unable to tell if Edgar is serious or exaggerating. I have said little to Edgar about my upcoming wedding, but I know that it is all my son talks about to whoever will listen, so I am pretty sure that Edgar is aware of our child's excitement, which I believe is what has triggered Edgar's veiled threats of suicide.

I once read a news story about a man who set fire to his house, killing both himself and his two precious sons. The visitation was supervised by a social worker, but the man locked her out once the children were inside the house. This tragedy has me on high alert for what I would normally just regard as Edgar being Edgar. I am petrified that Edgar will follow through on his threat to "end it all" and take my son with him when he does. Because of this, I have decided it best to suspend Edgar's visitation rights with our son (I have sole custody) until I feel that Edgar is well enough to handle himself emotionally. I informed him of this yesterday, while on the phone with his mother (he lives with her, and she picked up the other line when I asked her to simply put Edgar on the phone).

My decision has upset more than a few people, most especially Edgar and his mother; who feel my decision is what will put Edgar over the edge, leading him to make good on his threat. His mother actually told me that if her son kills himself it will be "[my] hands that his blood is upon". Dramatic, huh? Their reaction truly cemented my decision, and I plan on standing firm upon it.

Now that you know the background of my story, I am hoping that you can advise me on how to tell my son that he will not be seeing his father for a while. I do not wish to lie to my child; but I feel the truth will be a little to much for him to handle (he is only 7-years-old). Can you give me some words to work with, Tazi? I am afraid that anything I say will involve speaking poorly of Edgar, and I am trying to take the high road.

Signed,
"Poe" Me

Dear "Poe" Me:

I like your choice of signature! I am assuming this is why you chose to call your ex-husband "Edgar" in your letter! Paws up for your creativity! Now, onto your problem...

Edgar has been diagnosed with a form of mental illness - hypochondria - that responds well to treatment for most people but is something he refuses. The fact that he refuses to believe the diagnosis, coupled with the fact that his proclaimed illnesses are all impossible to test for with any scientific certainty (lab tests, X-rays, etc), makes me wonder if Edgar is simply a scam-artist and his latest claim - suicidal tendencies - is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. I am happy to see that you are not falling for it; however, any threat of suicide is something that must be taken seriously.

I, too, remember all too well the tragedy of those two boys from Utah; and I can see why this news story would make any parent a nervous wreck. Therefore, my advice to you is two-fold. I believe your first step should be to report Edgar's threats of suicide to a proper authority. Your attorney should be notified as to the reason you are withholding visitation, especially if it has been court-ordered. The courts may then order Edgar committed for a psychiatric evaluation. Once one has made a threat of suicide, the state can step in and force an evaluation. This may sound cruel and over-reactionary, but it really is the best and safest way to ensure Edgar's well-being and, by extension, your son's. Do not allow visitation to continue until Edgar has been properly evaluated and is receiving treatment. Your attorney can assist you with this matter.

Your second step is to explain to your son why he cannot see his father. Explain to him that his father is sick, and that is making him act cranky and in a way that is not very nice. Tell your son that his father needs to get treated to make sure he can be the best Dad he can possibly be; and in order to do that he needs to spend some time by himself to make sure he doesn't take his bad mood out on your son. This should be enough information for your son to process, without overwhelming him with the details. I wish you all the best with this delicate situation; and many blessings in your new marriage!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Possibility Of A Pregnant Matron Of Honor Not An Option

Dear Tazi:

My sister got engaged last Christmas and is planning to be married this coming February - exactly one year from now. She told me that she would like me to be her Matron of Honor, but only if I am not pregnant at the time. She said she does not want a “large looking” honor attendant, especially since all of the other women she has chosen are quite petite, just like her.

Tazi, my sister’s words cut me to the bone! My husband and I have been married for three years and have been trying to conceive for the last six months, with little luck (I did conceive, but lost the pregnancy within the first month). Essentially, my sister has asked my husband and I to put our plans for a family on hold to suit her wedding plans. I have not told my husband of her request, nor have I given my sister an answer. Obviously, I would love to stand up for my sister on her wedding day, but not at the expense of my own marriage. Can you think of any way to get my sister to agree to a compromise on this matter?

Signed,
Hopefully A Mother-To-Be

Dear Hopefully A Mother-To-Be:

Was your sister drinking at the time she made this insulting condition a part of her request that you be her Matron of Honor? Honestly, that is the only reason I can think of as to why someone would think they should have any say in another woman’s fertility. As a married woman, one who is actively trying to conceive, your sister has to understand that a pregnant Matron of Honor is a very real possibility. If this is something she simply cannot get past than I am afraid you will have to tell her that you cannot accept her conditional offer – that she accepts you as you are (pregnant or not) or finds someone else to be her Honor Maid/Matron.

If this is acceptable...

Surely this is, too?

If your sister is open to compromise – and she has some very understanding friends – there is one possible solution in the form of a back-up plan. You could agree to stand up for your sister as her Matron of Honor so long as you are not pregnant/not showing and have another woman agree to be the back-up Maid/Matron of Honor if you are expecting and showing by her wedding day. This idea means investing in a dress that you might not end up wearing, and just suggesting this idea leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but you asked for an idea on how to compromise so I am providing one that your sister might agree to let happen.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I am hoping that as her wedding date draws closer Bridezilla steps down off of her high horse and realizes what a horse’s behind she is being. I realize that the woman I am speaking of is your sister, so I am being as nice as possible!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Daughter Does Not Pay Back Loan, Dad Refuses To Pay For Her Wedding

Dear Tazi:

I have been planning my dream wedding since I was a teenager and now my father is about to ruin it all because he is being cheap! He thinks he is teaching me "a lesson in financial responsibility" but I think if I haven'rt learned it by now ruining my wedding day is not the way to teach it to me!

When I was in college my father and I had an agreement - he would pay for my schooling so long as I maintained good grades. If my G.P.A. dropped below a 3.0 I would have to pay my own way through school. He would continue to pay for my tuition and expenses so I could work on bringing my grades back up but that money would constitute a loan and not a gift.

I had a great time in college, and worked hard. but my sophomore year I decided to pledge my sorority. It was the best decision ever and I do not regret it, but because of the added stress of pledging my GPA slipped to a flat 3.0; the following semester commitments to my sisterhood, combined with a heavy course load, resulted in a semester of straight C's and my GPA reflected this. Although I made the grades required for my sorority I did not make the grades required to please my father. He told me that I might want to get a good summer job to defray the cost of returning to college so I wasn't facing a large loan to pay back upon graduation. I could not believe he actually meant that! It's not like we had a signed contract or anything!

My grades improved and I managed to graduate cum laude after busting my hump the next two years to keep my father off my back. After graduation, my father told me he was proud of me and even threw me a party but made no mention of my "loan" until six months later, when he told me I needed to start paying on it. Again, I could not believe he was serious! I had only just secured a job and was moving out of my Mom's house (my parents are divorced) and into my own apartment. I played along and told my Dad I needed more time. That was three years ago, and since I don't see Dad that often he hasn't brought up the subject all that much since then.

My boyfriend is finishing graduate school and he proposed to me this past Christmas. I am very excited and looking forward to our wedding. When I told my father the good news he congratulated me and told me he was happy for me - and that was it. He made no mention of my "loan" (as he always does when he sees me) but also no offer to pay for my wedding. When I mentioned this to my Mom, she said she would talk to him about the cost of my wedding, since traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding.

Tazi, you can imagine my shock and upset when my Mom reported back that my father is refusing to pay for my wedding unless I pay off my "college loan"! He told me that we had an agreement and that I did not live up to my end of the bargain, and now I owe him the $15,000 he paid towards my tuition and living expenses while I "paid for the semester spent partying" by bringing my GPA back up to where he wanted it. This is NOT fair! My mother has limited income and cannot afford to foot the entire bill for my wedding, while my father has done quite well for himself since their divorce. My mother is talking about borrowing against her retirement funds or taking out a home equity loan, but she should not have to do this! Not when my father could easily afford to write a check to pay for the entire wedding, plus honeymoon!

When I approached Dad I told him how angry I was, and he offered what he thinks is a compromise - he will give me $5,000 towards the estimated $20,000 cost of my dream wedding and forgive my "debt" to him. As far as I am concerned, this is not a compromise and I owe him nothing - like I said, it's not like I signed a contract or anything! And besides, isn't there a statute of limitations on unpaid debts? Can you help my father see reason?

Signed,
Daddy's Not-So-Little Girl

Dear Daddy's Not-So-Little Girl:

You are correct that your father cannot force you to pay your debt to him because there was no contract stating you were taking on your college expenses as a loan and not a gift. However, I doubt you have a contract with your father stating that he will be responsible for paying for your wedding, do you? Your insistence on a binding contract regarding financial assistance goes both ways. Just as you are not legally obligated to re-pay your father for your college expenses he is under no legal obligation to cover the costs of your wedding. Your moral obligations to each other are something else entirely.

To put it plainly, your attitude stinks! The time to deal with your situation was years ago, when your grades first dropped below what your father considered an acceptable return on his investment in your education. You blew off his advice as a sad little joke and now the joke is on you. If any family were in dire need of counseling it is yours.

Your mother should not have to go into debt to pay for your wedding, and if you accept any assistance she offers from her retirement account of home equity you will continue to be a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. Nowadays many couples are financing their own weddings. If you want to prove to your father that you are a mature, financially responsible young woman than I suggest that you apologize to him for your disrespect, accept his compromise, and start saving for your upcoming nuptials. Since you graduated college (mostly) debt free you should be able to save a tidy sum without too much difficulty. Since your father is willing to kick in $5,000 your mother will probably want to do the same; if this does not cause her financial hardship you have my blessing to accept it. This brings you to 50% of the total cost of your wedding. If you want to start married life debt free, you may want to downsize your wedding to meet your budget and put anything you and your fiance save towards the purchase of a home. A wedding is not about a diamond and a party - it is about a marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Wedding Is Not A Fundraiser, Don't Treat It Like It Is

Dear Tazi:

I am planning my wedding and am having some trouble with the guest list. I am a young bride, and my husband to be and I have not had the time to put aside much money for our future. We figure our wedding guests will help us get off to a good start in life by giving us a wedding shower and wedding gifts to help us set up house and tuck a little money aside. The problem is that many of my friends are in college. This means they will not have the money to give cash/gifts that are equal to or greater than the value of their plate charge.

The purpose of a wedding, as I said, is to help a young couple get their start in life, not to put them into debt so you can enjoy a good party. However, I am the first of my friends to get married and don't want it to seem like I am snubbing anybody by not inviting them, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I would like to send out two different wedding invitations - one with an invite to the ceremony, and a second with an invite to the reception, as well. The people who can afford to cover their costs and even give a little more will receive the second invite; those who would end up costing us would be invited to the wedding ceremony only. While my mother sees the practicality in my decision my future husband and his parents are "appalled" that I would even think such a thing. They have called me a "little gold-digger" and have questioned if I am the right woman for their son. Kitty, I am just trying to be practical here! I don't see my future in-laws kicking in with the cash to cover the cost of the reception!

Do you think my friends will be insulted and feel snubbed if I only invite them to the ceremony and not the reception? The ceremony is the most important part of a wedding anyway.

Signed,
Bride On A Budget

Dear Bride On A Budget:

You wouldn't consider charging a cover at the door of your reception, would you? Then don't exclude guests who you think cannot afford to line your pockets. A wedding reception is not a fundraiser, so please do not treat it like one. Your guest list should reflect your close and personal ties with your guests, not the size of their wallets.

When planning a wedding the first thing you should do is decide on a budget that you can afford - by saving, cutting back, working overtime, and if necessary borrowing and using cash gifts to pay down the debt. In short, you must plan within your budget and not budget with a plan to find a way to make others pay for your celebration.

If you cannot afford to have the wedding of your dreams while including all of your guests, than you must cut back on the wedding you are planning. One idea is to have a "coffee and..." with your receiving line after your ceremony followed by a small, intimate reception for immediate family only while hosting a large, backyard bash for all of your friends and family after you return from your honeymoon. Another idea is to postpone your wedding until you have the cash to pay for all of your guests meals without expecting some sort of quid quo pro in return. (The irony of this is that by the time you are done saving they may be through with school and making enough money to pay for the kind of gifts you are seeking). Whatever you choose to do, choose to be inclusive. Those you snub today are unlikely to forget the slight when the stakes are much higher than a chicken dinner.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wedding Gift Is Over Student's Budget; Should Attendance Be Out Of The Question, Too?

Dear Tazi:

I am in my final year of college. Since my program is a five year program, most of my friends graduated last year and are now getting married. I have received several invites to weddings and showers and would like to attend them all, but financially I cannot afford it!

As soon as I receive the invitation to a wedding shower I print out the gift registry to see what kind of things the bride and groom have registered for and what is still available for purchase. I realize my friends are just starting out and need EVERYTHING, but do they really need the most expensive of everything? It seems there is nothing on the registry that costs less than $100, unless you want to buy a partial gift (one plate; $20; a set of pillowcases, $50; two bath towels, $50).

I am doing my best to pay my own way through school on scholarship, a part-time job during the school year and working 60 hours a week during the summer, and student loans that I am paying on while in school (to keep the interest on them from accruing). I am seriously strapped for cash and cannot afford to buy the things my friends want - like Pfaltzgraff dinnerware in service for eight ($200, inc. tax) or a Ralph Lauren bath towel st ($140, on sale!). I don't own stuff this nice! I can't afford it, so why should I buy it for someone else?

Thus far I have turned down every invitation that has come in, without explanation and have not sent a gift, either. Then one of my sorority sisters asked me why I didn't want to come to her wedding, and told me she was really hurt that I didn't even offer regrets with my response card - I just checked no and popped it in the mail and never said anything more.

Spring is coming so the invites for summer weddings will again be arriving in the mail and I don't know what to do or say at this point. I thought people would get the message when word got around I hadn't attended any of last season's weddings, but I am still getting Save the Date cards for Memorial Day weekend (the weekend after my graduation) and other holiday weekends. What do you suggest?

Signed,
In A Tight Spot

Dear In A Tight Spot:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with buying a "partial" gift of a single place setting or a few towels or even a set of pillowcases! I am not sure where you got the idea that you needed to buy the entire set of what has been requested, but you are under no obligation to do so; nor are you under any obligation to buy off registry. A gift registry is a list of suggestions to make gift giving easy and return-free; however, if you see something that you think the bride and groom want or need there is no reason why you should not buy it. In fact, etiquette states that it is rude for someone to even mention the existence of a gift registry, as that smacks of self-centeredness and makes it look like the bride and groom are fishing for gifts.

What's all this? We specified Benjamins ONLY!

In some cultures, it is appropriate to turn down a wedding invitation if you cannot afford to give a gift that is equal to or greater than your plate charge; in America this demand is still considered to be the height of ingratitude so don't let your short finances stop you from attending a wedding you really want to attend. It may surprise you to hear this, but your friends understand that you are a poor college student, yet they invited you to their wedding anyway; this must mean that they want you there to celebrate their special day, regardless of your ability to pony up the cash! By refusing to attend - and refusing to give an explanation - you are hurting their feelings.

If you cannot afford to give what you call a "partial gift" you can give a gift card. Many stores now have the option of putting money on a "value added card", which is a single gift card onto which multiple guests can add a gift. Before the registry is closed out the bride and groom are presented with the "added value card" to purchase any items they registered for but did not receive. It is a way for many people to pool together to buy a large gift, even if they do not know each other! You can present the bride and groom with a card and a heartfelt message expressing your happiness for them along with the gift card or an added message that you put their gift on the value added card and hope they have fun deciding on what to get.

As much as it hurts that you can't afford nice stuff, remember that your day will come and you will be the one registering for - and receiving - fine china and Egyptian cotton towels.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Disney Wedding Is A Wish Her Heart Makes

Dear Tazi:

I have always wanted to go to Disney World, ever since I was a child. My parents never had much money, probably because I am one of eleven children, so our vacations were mainly “staycations” and I never got to go further than the community pool.

I am now in my mid-twenties and with the man I believe I will be marrying – “Jake” and I have talked about marriage, and we are quite compatible, right down to our love of all things Disney. I know that Disney has both wedding and honeymoon packages, and I would love to get married in the Magic Kingdom and then sail off into the sunset on a Disney Cruise. The problem is that Disney weddings limit the number of guests allowed in your package and charge a great deal extra if you go over the set number. I have gone over our finances and crunched the numbers and in order to have my dream wedding Jake and I would only be allowed to have ten people – total – at our wedding, and that includes us, the bride and groom. I wouldn’t be able to invite all of my siblings to be there for my big day!

I suppose I could have a Disney themed wedding, but I wanted the characters there at my ceremony and I don’t think my guests would be too thrilled to dress up as various characters for the day. I have thought about hiring a wedding planner for when the time comes, but that would take money out of my budget so I am going to have to plan this on my own. Well, along with Jake, but you know what I mean.

You have such great ideas, Tazi; your answer to the woman who wanted a Wizard of Oz themed wedding was perfect, and the letter from the woman who was upset about the Elf and Fairy theme wedding was also great. Do you have any ideas on how to put me on the right path to my dream wedding?

Signed,

Hoping To Be A Bride-To-Be

Dear Hoping to be A Bride-To-Be:

First let me congratulate you on your good financial sense. A lot of people are willing to go into deep debt to pull off their dream wedding and end up starting off their married life arguing about money. I am no wedding planner, just an imaginative little kitty, but since Disney is a choice for many brides there is a lot out there for you to work with as you plan your special day!

Many women keep a wedding binder – even before they have met their Prince Charming! These binders are organized with everything from dress ideas to reception music, so starting one now would be a good idea; it will let you know how much you need to save, where you can splurge and where to cut back, and give Jake the general idea that you would be amenable to a marriage proposal!

Although they can be expensive, Disney has a line of weddingdresses based upon the dresses worn by their animated princesses – from Cinderella’s wedding gown (sigh…) to Ariel the mermaid’s bridal dress. If you are going to splurge on something, the dress is where to do it! Start saving!

Since you are going for a full Disney theme, why not have your bridesmaids dress up like Disney princesses; your groom as Prince Charming; and the groomsmen and his footmen or other leading male characters to match with the bridesmaids? Although it would be incredibly tacky to have the officiate dressed like Mickey Mouse, you can carry a “mouse ear” themed bouquet with Disney-themed ribbons and the reception can have an entire Disney theme to it – complete with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Mickey and the gang to a visit from the Mouse himself (you could hire someone to dress up like Mickey and greet your guests as they arrive or rent a costume and find a willing friend to do the honors). There are even Disney-themed wedding cakes, so you are covered there, too, and your music list can include songs from Disney movies – “Candle on the Water” (from Pete’s Dragon) is a beautiful love song; “Bear Necessities” (from The Jungle Book) is just plain fun!

Or you could take the low-road to Tacky-ville

An easy way to defray the cost of the wedding, so you can splurge in other areas, is to plan for a Friday night wedding or a Saturday morning event, avoiding the traditional (and much more pricy) Saturday evening. If you have a morning wedding with reception to follow you could serve brunch instead of dinner, saving on the cost of the overall menu while still providing a delicious meal and an enjoyable experience. I suggest you search for a few wedding planning and bridal websites that will help you with organizing your dream wedding.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

What To Do About Old, New, Borrowed And Blue

Dear Tazi:

I am horribly, terribly superstitious! I fear Friday the 13^th, stepping on cracks, and saying “Bloody Mary” while looking into a mirror! I carry a rabbit’s foot and other good luck charms to ward off bad luck and evil. I don’t know if they work, but so far so good…

My problem is that I am getting married next month and need to wear “something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue”. Obviously, my dress will be new, but I am uncertain about the other three. My grandmother has asked me if I would like to wear her birthstone ring – an antique silver filigree and blue sapphire ring. She has said this will suffice as something old, borrowed, and blue…but I just don’t know! I don’t want to jinx my marriage by wearing a three-fer but I would like to take Grandma up on her offer. If the ring only counted as one item, which should I count it as – old, borrowed, or blue?

Signed,

Wedding Blues

Dear Wedding Blues:

Do you really have this much time on your hands a month before your wedding, or are you using your superstitious beliefs to hide deeper feelings of uncertainty? I think this is the question you need to ask yourself before worrying about a wedding tradition that few are going to notice. However, since it is Friday and I am in a good mood, I will offer this advice:

Since your grandmother is still alive and is allowing you to borrow her ring, let the ring be your something borrowed; to call it “old” might be a little insulting to Grandma, even if she did use the self-deprecating description. For something blue, a lot of brides wear a pale blue garter instead of a wedding gown white one; you could do this and let your guests wonder where your something blue is until its time for the garter toss. 

Here you have the whole, tastefully done package!

Last of all, for something old you might want to consider a cherished piece of your own jewelry. If you have an item that was given to you by your fiancé this would fit the bill perfectly; otherwise a piece of jewelry from your mother can work nicely, too.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Red, White And Blue Bride Forgetting Some Important Details

Dear Tazi:

I love the 4^th of July and I have always wanted to get married on it. The problem is, I am 25 and my boyfriend of two years does not want to get married just yet. Next year and the year after (2014 and 2015) the 4^th of July will be on a Friday and then a Saturday – perfect days for celebrating a wedding! The following year, because of Leap Year, 4^th of July will be on a Monday which will not work. Who gets married on a weekday, especially a Monday?

I am not willing to wait another six or seven years for a weekend 4^th of July to roll around so I can get married on it – I will be in my 30’s by then! My boyfriend is firm about not planning a wedding just yet, but if we were to get married on the 4^th of July we would need to start planning now. Do you think I should give up on him or wait things out? On the one hand, I do love him but on the other hand he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to marry me, and he doesn't seem to be taking my lifelong dream very seriously.

Signed,

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Dear Yankee Doodle Dandy:

Has it ever occurred to you that the reason most people do not get married on a weekday is because they have to work? If the 4^th of July were to fall on a weekday people who generally have weekends off would also have the 4^th of July off as a paid holiday – thus circumventing your problem altogether.

Just promise me that you will not wear this gown!

If you really want to get married on the 4^th of July, then by all means get married on the 4^th of July, regardless of what day it is. However, you might not want to make plans to do so with your current man. If neither of you were able to pick up on the facts I have already mentioned you may not be ready to face the world as a married couple; if he did understand your flawed reasoning and did not point it out to you it could be that he is actively looking for reasons to forestall marriage. This should be the issue the two of you are discussing before you try to settle on a  year for your wedding.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bride-To-Be Has Cold Feet Towards Future Husband, But Warms Towards Future Brother-In-Law

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am afraid that I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I am engaged, and my wedding is scheduled for December 12, 2012 - 12/12/12 - but I think I am marrying the wrong man. "Marc" is a good man, and I do love him; but I don't think I am in love with him. Throughout our relationship (2+ years) I have been happy; but I have always felt like there was something missing. Last month, Marc's brother "Justin" came home from oversees (he is a contractor who was working in the Middle East) and I got to meet him for the first time. Because they are brothers and are close in age they resemble each other, but that does not explain the amazing attraction I feel towards Justin. It is like he is the man I have been searching for my whole life and Marc is simply a shadow of him - which would explain my attraction to Marc.

I honestly believe that Justin is my soul-mate, and that he and I are meant to be together. The problem is, I do not know for certain how Justin feels about me. Obviously, he cannot say anything, what with me being engaged to his brother, but I a pretty certain that the attraction is mutual and he is just hiding it for the sake of family unity. I would like to say something to Justin, but am afraid that, if on the off chance he does not feel the same way, he will rat me out to Marc - then I will be left alone, with neither Justin or Marc.

I am very confused, Tazi-Kat; but like they say, the heart wants what the hearts wants - and my heart wants Justin. Could you advise me on what my next step should be, Tazi-Kat? I really feel like I should act soon, in order to make certain that I marry the correct brother on 12/12/12!

Signed,
In Love With The Other Brother

Dear In Love...:

Let me get this straight: You have known your future brother-in-law for less than a month, but are already proclaiming your love for him - and are hoping that he feels the same, and will put these feelings for you above loyalty to his family? Sweetheart, you have been reading one too many Harlequin Romance novels if you think that is going to happen.

What is most likely going on is that you have cold-feet as your wedding date approaches, and are seeking a viable reason to call off the marriage without losing the security of your romantic relationship. By trading one brother for another, you would not have to go through the work of meeting someone new; developing relationships with his family; and doing all of the awkward "getting to know you" things that occur at the start of a new relationship. However, even if you were able to simply leave Marc to date Justin, do you honestly think that their family would be fine with this scenario? Something tells me the answer to that is "no".

Right now, you have a full eleven months before your wedding - to Marc. I will not even address the idea of using your current wedding date and plans to marry his brother. I suggest that your immediate action be to dial the number of a licensed counselor to hash over all that you have written in your letter [Editor's Note: The letter was edited due to length and explicit content]. Regular sessions with a professional will help you to accept what is reality and what is fantasy; as well as assist you in accepting that which can never be reality.

I also suggest that you and Marc get some premarital counseling, if you are not already doing so. In discussing what you both expect from each other - and your future together - your interest in Justin may wane and your uncertainties about Marc may be calmed. Or, you may find the exact opposite to be true - either way, you and Marc will be moving forward with all of your cards upon the table. I realize that some of the things that are addressed may be hurtful to Marc, but it is better to address these matters before the two of you are married rather than after.

Once you have clarity on why you have stayed with Marc - in spite of the fact that you feel something is "missing" - and why you feel such sudden attraction to Justin, you will be able to make a firm decision on whether or not to call off the wedding. Since your wedding date is still a full year away - and on a date that is certain to be in demand, regardless of the fact that it falls on a Wednesday - I do not think you will have a problem getting a return on your deposits if your doubts are still in place as the day draws nearer.

-- Tazi-Kat