A Church Wedding Is No Place To Clown Around

Dear Tazi:

Ever since I was a child, I have had a desperate fear of clowns. I do not usually talk about this phobia, since it rarely pops up as a cause for concern in my daily life. So, why am I writing to you about this issue? My sister, who is an honest-to-God circus performer is getting married to one of her co-workers who is - you guessed it - a clown.

My sister is aware of my phobia, and has blessedly kept it to herself. She is in the process of planning her wedding and would like me to be her Matron of Honor; unfortunately, her husband-to-be wants to get married in full makeup, complete with white-face groomsmen. Just the thought of having to look across the aisle at a row of clowns is enough to make me pass out from fear, so I cannot imagine how I will work up the courage to face them in person on my sister's wedding day.

Obviously, I want to be there for my sister, but if the wedding turns into a circus - literally - I am afraid I will have to bow-out of my duties and decline any invitation to the wedding itself. I do not wish to be cruel to my sister and future brother-in-law, but I also do not wish to cause a scene and steal the attention on their big day. Please do not suggest counseling, Tazi, I have tried and tried and it just does not work. My fear of clowns is deep-rooted, and I have made several attempts to overcome it.

My sister is trying to convince her future husband that they should take their wedding plans in a different direction; that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair and that she plans on reciting her vows to him, not his alter-ego. So far, he will not budge on the matter and my sister does not know how to go about changing his mind - after all, the circus is a big part of who they are; and she is unable to explain her reluctance to go with this theme without outing me as a clownaphobe. My future brother-in-law is a huge practical joker, so my sister and I both fear how he might use this information to his advantage and my humiliation.

Tazi, do you have any suggestions on how to keep this train wreck from happening? It is to be a church wedding, if knowing this helps at all.

Signed,
Matron of Honor?

Dear Matron of Honor?

First, let me offer my best wishes to your sister! She sounds like an absolute peach to want to accommodate your coulrophobia - the correct term for the fear of clowns - and keep your confidence in the process. You sound like a wonderful sister, too, for wanting to give your sister the best of both worlds on her wedding day - an elegant affair from which you do not run screaming.

Your sister's argument that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair is a sound one, and I am hoping that she will be able to convince her fiancé to accept a toned down plan for their big day. Her argument that she is marrying the man and not the man behind the mask is also excellent. I am not certain as to the laws in your state or place of worship, but there are many who will refuse to marry those who are hiding their true face. Therefore, the whole idea of clown makeup may be a non-issue after all.

You must remember that a wedding is about two people, so compromise on both sides may have to occur. The first suggestion that comes to mind is to have a clown-themed bachelor party, where your future brother-in-law and his groomsmen can clown around all they like while keeping the wedding ceremony a clown-free event. Your sister would do well to gently remind her fiancé that not everyone likes clowns. Although there are no hard and fast statistics to be found, according to Discovery Health approximately 9% of Americans suffer from phobias, including clowns. It would be a shame for you to miss your sister's wedding because of this phobia, but it would be a catastrophe for wedding guests to run screaming from the church when they catch sight of a gaggle of clowns on the alter. Your sister could present this situation to her fiancé as she puts her foot down for a clown-free wedding. As for the reception...

Many wedding receptions have slide-shows or PowerPoint presentations of the lives and courtship of the bride and groom. If your sister and future brother-in-law are planning such a show, you will have to understand and accept that it will probably feature pictures of clowns. Know this in advance, and plan accordingly, as you may need to excuse yourself during this part of the festivities.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. It is one thing to be a practical joker and another thing to be sadistic. Is your future brother-in-law truly the type to find humor in a person's phobias? If so, this is an entirely different issue. --T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Who Has A Real Clown For A Neighbor Is Not Amused

Dear Tazi:

I have a terrible neighbor that is driving me nuts and I cannot take it anymore! He is not doing anything illegal, so I cannot take him to court, but I feel that he is thumbing his nose at my complaints.

“Harold” is a single man who is self-employed as a party clown. As if this isn’t enough to give me the creeps, he enjoys decorating his yard with large inflatables for every holiday imaginable, with the most extensive of the lot being dragged out for Halloween and Christmas – two holidays that are centered around children.

Every Halloween Harold gives out full-sized chocolate bars to the neighborhood children; at Thanksgiving he dresses in his clown suit and goes around the neighborhood collecting food for less fortunate families in our town (is the clown suit really necessary?); at Christmas he dresses up like Santa Claus for the local community center and lets the children sit on his lap; and at Easter he holds an egg hunt in his yard (while dressed as a clown and emceeing the events, which include games and  prizes at the end).

I am positively convinced that this man is secretly a sexual predator or worse! What grown man without such proclivities would do so much for children when he doesn’t even have any? This is bothering me even more than the tacky yard décor that I have asked him to take down (and to which his response was to put up more). I have contacted the police and asked them to keep an eye on “Mr. Harold” but without any evidence against him the police said that there is nothing they can do, that he is not doing anything illegal.

I have asked my children not to allow my grandchildren near Harold, but they both say that Harold is a perfectly nice man and that visiting with Mr. Harold is one of the things they look forward to when they come to visit me. With Halloween and Christmas coming around again I am beside myself when I think of what could possibly happen to my grandchildren, who are now all between the ages of 8 – 12 – the perfect age for a predator to take advantage! How can I possibly reveal this man for who he really is – before it’s too late?

Signed,

Done Clowning Around

Dear Done Clowning Around:

Why, aside from your own annoyance with his yard décor, are you convinced that your neighbor Harold is some kind of criminal deviant? Do you have a pathological fear of clowns that has left you prejudiced against this man? Have you heard rumor or seen something that would lead you to believe that he is laying a plan to predate on the neighborhood children? Or do you just have a problem believing that a man who works with children for a living must have some sort of ulterior motive and is laying a trap like the witch and her candy house in Hansel and Gretel?

Or does he look like this?

Since there have been no complaints about Mr. Harold, since the police see no reason to detain him, and since parents seem to trust him I think you should dig deep inside yourself and ask why you have it in for this man. As a self-employed party clown, Harold must constantly promote himself in order to keep his business afloat. What better way to do that than to endear the neighborhood children to him by giving out full-sized candy bars at Halloween and hosting an egg hunt every spring? Personally, I think it’s marketing genius. So long as the children are attended by a parent or other responsible adult, I see nothing wrong with this kind of outreach.

With regards to Harold’s community service, I think it is a wise choice to dress up in his recognizable costume that brings people joy when he goes to collect food for the less fortunate – when people are in a good mood they are more likely to be generous. As for his dressing up like Santa Claus for the children: visits with Santa are an age-old childhood tradition. The fact that Harold seeks to participate in this tradition is sweet; those Santa suits and beards can be hot and itchy, and you will not find too many men willing to give up their day off to don one while squirming kids sit in their lap – all for the good of the community. Speaking of sitting on Santa’s lap, did you allow your children to sit on the lap of the Santa at the mall, even though you knew nothing about him? Did you ever accuse Santa of trying to cop a feel when he steadied your children on his lap?

I suggest that you lay off of Harold before you find the police at your door, delivering a no-contact order to keep you away from Harold. Your comments and accusations are based upon nothing and could be considered harassment if taken too far. Your concerns, while admirable, appear to be misplaced.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.