Woman Hopes For a Future With Man With A Past

Dear Tazi:

I met a wonderful guy at a Labor Day party hosted by a friend. He is everything I have been looking for in a man, but there is a problem. "Matt" is a Level 1 registered sex offender. Several years ago, while still in his twenties, he had a sexual relationship with a fourteen year old girl. She got pregnant, and when Matt refused to pay for an abortion (it is against his moral beliefs) her parents pressed criminal charges against him. He was convicted, and spent a year in jail; with nine years suspended. He will be on parole until 2016.

Matt swears to me that the girl in question did not look fourteen, swore she was twenty, and that had he known the truth he would never have had sex with her. I believe him, because he seems like such a sincere guy and we did meet through a mutual friend whom I respect; but I am concerned because I have a young daughter (she is eleven). I have yet to introduce Matt to my daughter, or any of my family members. I also have not told anyone about Matt's past, because I feel that it his story to tell, not mine.

My friend tells me that Matt is a great guy, but that if she had a young daughter she would not be hanging out with him. My friend is divorced with no children, so she has no problem finding a date. She doesn't know how difficult it is for a single mother to find a good man. A part of me thinks my friend is jealous of my budding romance with Matt, but another part of me thinks she is trying to look out for me. I am so confused, Tazi!

Signed,
Looking For Love...In All The Wrong Places?

Dear Looking for Love...:

I am going to start by addressing your unwillingness to disclose Matt's past to anyone, because you feel it is "his story to tell". If you were to bring Matt to your home, I am certain that your neighbors with young children might not feel the same way about your silence. So long as Matt is on parole, he is required to meet certain guidelines, which may include staying away from children and the places that they gather. Before setting your sights on a future with this man, you need to investigate his past - and the conditions of his parole - much more thoroughly.

A Level 1 sex offender is at a very low risk of re-offending, and cases such as Matt's often fall under this classification. A Level 1 sex offender is not considered to be a predator; but as a parent your job is to put the safety of your daughter first. If I were you, I would hesitate to introduce Matt to her until you are certain that you know him as a person and that he is someone with whom you wish to build a future. This is good advice to any single parent who dates, but especially since you are dating someone who comes with a questionable past.

Matt may very well be a "wonderful guy" now, but there was a time that he was willing to have a purely sexual relationship with a person whose real age he did not know; and I am inclined to believe that he did not try very hard to find out anything more than what was beneath her clothes. A fourteen year old may "look" twenty, but as soon as they open their mouths their education and maturity levels will show. A conversation about where they went to school, who they grew up with, what kind of music they listened to and the like can reveal much about a person's true age.

From the timeline you provide, it appears that Matt is now in his thirties. I do not believe in punishing someone for a past that they have left behind them, so you have my blessing to give this relationship a chance - so long as you listen to your friend's advice. At this point in time, she knows this man better than you; until you know Matt on a deeper level - which takes time and patience - I would take the relationship slowly. If Matt is as wonderful as you say he is, he will understand and allow you to set the pace of the relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Day At The Park Was Not Walk In The Park For This Dad

Dear Mr. Tazi Kat:

I am fuming! I went to the playground today with my 3-year-old daughter only to find a group of older girls (they looked about 12, and some were wearing makeup) sitting on the swings and refusing to leave. I politely asked if my daughter could use the playground equipment, but these girls refused to budge. The swings are really the only playground toy that she can play on - monkey bars are too high; she is too small for a see-saw; and the slide scares her. It was not like these girls were actually swinging on the swings - they were just sitting there gossiping!

After about 20 minutes of running around, my daughter was getting antsy to use the swings, so I once again approached the group of girls who had commandeered the swings and asked if my child could use them for the purpose intended. The lead girl let out a huge sigh and asked me what part of "no" did I not understand? Infuriated, I called the Sheriff's Office to complain; but when an officer arrived on the scene to question the girls, they told him that I was harassing them and making them feel very uncomfortable! The officer actually came up to me and asked if I had proof that the child I claimed as mine (my daughter) really was my child, and grilled me like I was some kind of sexual predator scoping out the playground under the guise of being a good father!

Tazi, to start my daughter looks just like me; plus I have at least a dozen photos of her and my wife (her mother) in my wallet. Second, I am an upstanding member of my community! This, however, did not matter: I was asked to leave the playground because I was getting a little hot under the collar, which I regrettably did. What is this world coming to when a group of ill-mannered pre-teens can force a parent and young child out of a playground? I would like to file a complaint of my own with the Sheriff, but my wife tells me that I should just let sleeping dogs lie before my reputation ends up tarnished. What say you, Mr. Kat?

Signed,
A Good Father

Dear Good Father:

While it was admirable of you to take your daughter to the playground, and while it sounds like the pre-teen girls who were already there were quite rude, you must understand that the playground is still a public park where all kinds will gather and the police - who were not there to witness the events - need to take extra precautions when dealing with children.

It is obvious that the girls on the swings were a group of Queen Bees looking to start trouble in order to boost their own sense of power and ego, and you had the unfortunate experience of stumbling upon their nest. Because they chose to complain about you to the law officer who showed up (after you called them!) I think it would be a good idea to file a complaint that will tell your side of the story - that you were there with your young child and attempted to secure a swing for her from a group of overage youngsters who were loitering. Be certain to mention that it was you who called the Sheriff's office in the first place, and that you did not appreciate the thinly veiled accusations that you were a sexual predator. Once your side of the story is on file for the record (something the reporting officer should have taken at the scene) you should let the situation drop, lest further trouble find you in the form of the parents of these pre-teen girls.

As I said in the opening of my response, a public park - especially a playground - attracts all kinds, including those with less than honorable intentions towards the youth who gather there. I, for one, would rather be briefly hassled by a police officer who is looking to protect the children of my community than see a predator believed when he casually points to someone else's child and claims him/her as his own in an effort to blend in with the rest of the playground crowd.

Since, by your own admission, your daughter is too young to use any of the playground equipment - with the exception of the swings - maybe you could look for a better location for her to play outdoors; one where there is more for her to do (many children like the swings, and they are not always available, even when there are no pre-teen girls hogging them). In the meantime, you could file this experience away as an example of the woman you do not want your daughter to become, and continue to actively parent her in such a way that as she grows, she will learn how to respect her elders and treat those younger than her with the kindness that she would like to receive.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Who Has A Real Clown For A Neighbor Is Not Amused

Dear Tazi:

I have a terrible neighbor that is driving me nuts and I cannot take it anymore! He is not doing anything illegal, so I cannot take him to court, but I feel that he is thumbing his nose at my complaints.

“Harold” is a single man who is self-employed as a party clown. As if this isn’t enough to give me the creeps, he enjoys decorating his yard with large inflatables for every holiday imaginable, with the most extensive of the lot being dragged out for Halloween and Christmas – two holidays that are centered around children.

Every Halloween Harold gives out full-sized chocolate bars to the neighborhood children; at Thanksgiving he dresses in his clown suit and goes around the neighborhood collecting food for less fortunate families in our town (is the clown suit really necessary?); at Christmas he dresses up like Santa Claus for the local community center and lets the children sit on his lap; and at Easter he holds an egg hunt in his yard (while dressed as a clown and emceeing the events, which include games and  prizes at the end).

I am positively convinced that this man is secretly a sexual predator or worse! What grown man without such proclivities would do so much for children when he doesn’t even have any? This is bothering me even more than the tacky yard décor that I have asked him to take down (and to which his response was to put up more). I have contacted the police and asked them to keep an eye on “Mr. Harold” but without any evidence against him the police said that there is nothing they can do, that he is not doing anything illegal.

I have asked my children not to allow my grandchildren near Harold, but they both say that Harold is a perfectly nice man and that visiting with Mr. Harold is one of the things they look forward to when they come to visit me. With Halloween and Christmas coming around again I am beside myself when I think of what could possibly happen to my grandchildren, who are now all between the ages of 8 – 12 – the perfect age for a predator to take advantage! How can I possibly reveal this man for who he really is – before it’s too late?

Signed,

Done Clowning Around

Dear Done Clowning Around:

Why, aside from your own annoyance with his yard décor, are you convinced that your neighbor Harold is some kind of criminal deviant? Do you have a pathological fear of clowns that has left you prejudiced against this man? Have you heard rumor or seen something that would lead you to believe that he is laying a plan to predate on the neighborhood children? Or do you just have a problem believing that a man who works with children for a living must have some sort of ulterior motive and is laying a trap like the witch and her candy house in Hansel and Gretel?

Or does he look like this?

Since there have been no complaints about Mr. Harold, since the police see no reason to detain him, and since parents seem to trust him I think you should dig deep inside yourself and ask why you have it in for this man. As a self-employed party clown, Harold must constantly promote himself in order to keep his business afloat. What better way to do that than to endear the neighborhood children to him by giving out full-sized candy bars at Halloween and hosting an egg hunt every spring? Personally, I think it’s marketing genius. So long as the children are attended by a parent or other responsible adult, I see nothing wrong with this kind of outreach.

With regards to Harold’s community service, I think it is a wise choice to dress up in his recognizable costume that brings people joy when he goes to collect food for the less fortunate – when people are in a good mood they are more likely to be generous. As for his dressing up like Santa Claus for the children: visits with Santa are an age-old childhood tradition. The fact that Harold seeks to participate in this tradition is sweet; those Santa suits and beards can be hot and itchy, and you will not find too many men willing to give up their day off to don one while squirming kids sit in their lap – all for the good of the community. Speaking of sitting on Santa’s lap, did you allow your children to sit on the lap of the Santa at the mall, even though you knew nothing about him? Did you ever accuse Santa of trying to cop a feel when he steadied your children on his lap?

I suggest that you lay off of Harold before you find the police at your door, delivering a no-contact order to keep you away from Harold. Your comments and accusations are based upon nothing and could be considered harassment if taken too far. Your concerns, while admirable, appear to be misplaced.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.