In-Law Week, Day 6: Wife Needs To Find Common Ground - And Language - With Her In-Laws

Dear Tazi:

I am not fond of my in-laws. They are nice people, very warm and outgoing, so it is not like they never accepted me, its just that they do not speak English.

"Mr. and Mrs. P." are from Lebanon, and  only speak Lebanese Arabic, a dialect exclusive to their home country. During the civil war that tore through their country, they moved to Senegal, a country on the coast of West Africa where many Lebanese had resettled. Because their countrymen were already there, there was no need for them to learn the local language and that is what they did - or didn't, I should say.

Where God blesses the rain and
we all take the time to do the things we never have...

Mr. and Mrs. P. moved to America a few years later when one of Mr. P.'s brothers, who got out of Lebanon right before the war started, sponsored their immigration to America. Mr. P.'s brother had done very well for himself, living in Michigan, learning English, and working for the automotive companies. Mr. and Mrs. P. saw his success and jumped at the chance to join him.

Mr. and Mrs. P. have now lived in America for more than 30 years, and have done moderately well for themselves, especially when you consider that fact that neither one of them speaks a word of English! At my wedding to their son two years ago, they gave the toast in Lebanese and my uncle-in-law graciously translated, courteously adding that these were his sentiments, as well. Since that day, I have been expected to learn Lebanese Arabic. My husband has tried to teach me, but having been born and schooled in America English is his first language. He never had any formal training in Lebanese, just what his parents taught him and he learned to speak it as he learned English. However, he cannot read or write it so it is difficult for him to teach me. There are no Lebanese Arabic courses offered where we live, but there are plenty of ESL classes that my in-laws could take, if they showed the initiative.

My husband and I just found out that we will be expecting a baby in 2014 and we are very excited about it! I was somewhat upset that I could not tell my in-laws myself; that my husband had to tell them and I had to stand there and listen to them talk. I tried to catch a few words, but they spoke very fast and I could not understand. They seemed upset with my husband, but then turned to me all smiles. It turns out that they were concerned that my husband and I are too young to be parents (my husband and I are both 24).

I would like to have a better relationship with my in-laws, for the sake of my marriage and for the relationship that they will one day have with their grandchild(ren). I see their language slipping away as the world around them Americanizes and their language is lost to the new generations. I would like my husband to suggest to his parents that they start to learn English, but he is hesitant, saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". I will not leave them alone with my child knowing that they cannot speak English. What if there was an emergency and they needed to call the doctor or 911? My husband says I am overreacting, that the baby isn't even here yet and already I am borrowing trouble, but I just want to be prepared! Am I being unreasonable in wanting my in-laws to learn English? I'll even accept Spanish, considering its common use here in America! I studied the language in high school and college and am fluent enough to have a conversation.

Signed,
Mother-To-Be

Dear Mother-To-Be:

Your concerns are valid ones, but then so is your husband's argument. If his parents have not learned another language in the 30+ years since they have left Lebanon I doubt that they are suddenly going to try. As for your end, learning to speak a foreign language is difficult enough without said language being a locally spoken dialect in a country that is approximately 6,000 miles (9,500 km) away from you.

I suggest that you try to work on a few key words and phrases with your husband that you will need to be able to communicate with your in-laws. These phrases can be about their general health and well being or specific to the care of your baby. Your husband should also teach you to understand a few key responses to these questions so you will understand what is being said back to you. Since the modern Arabic alphabet is not something you understand, write down the words phonetically with their English translation beneath them. Your husband needs to do the same for his parents, except to have them write the words in Arabic with the English phonetic pronunciation. With any luck, his Arabic will improve as much as yours. There are many online translation programs that can help you get started, as well as learn-at-home programs like Rosetta Stone, if you are willing and able to make the financial investment. Think of it as an investment in your child's culture as well as an investment in family unity.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Who Has A Real Clown For A Neighbor Is Not Amused

Dear Tazi:

I have a terrible neighbor that is driving me nuts and I cannot take it anymore! He is not doing anything illegal, so I cannot take him to court, but I feel that he is thumbing his nose at my complaints.

“Harold” is a single man who is self-employed as a party clown. As if this isn’t enough to give me the creeps, he enjoys decorating his yard with large inflatables for every holiday imaginable, with the most extensive of the lot being dragged out for Halloween and Christmas – two holidays that are centered around children.

Every Halloween Harold gives out full-sized chocolate bars to the neighborhood children; at Thanksgiving he dresses in his clown suit and goes around the neighborhood collecting food for less fortunate families in our town (is the clown suit really necessary?); at Christmas he dresses up like Santa Claus for the local community center and lets the children sit on his lap; and at Easter he holds an egg hunt in his yard (while dressed as a clown and emceeing the events, which include games and  prizes at the end).

I am positively convinced that this man is secretly a sexual predator or worse! What grown man without such proclivities would do so much for children when he doesn’t even have any? This is bothering me even more than the tacky yard décor that I have asked him to take down (and to which his response was to put up more). I have contacted the police and asked them to keep an eye on “Mr. Harold” but without any evidence against him the police said that there is nothing they can do, that he is not doing anything illegal.

I have asked my children not to allow my grandchildren near Harold, but they both say that Harold is a perfectly nice man and that visiting with Mr. Harold is one of the things they look forward to when they come to visit me. With Halloween and Christmas coming around again I am beside myself when I think of what could possibly happen to my grandchildren, who are now all between the ages of 8 – 12 – the perfect age for a predator to take advantage! How can I possibly reveal this man for who he really is – before it’s too late?

Signed,

Done Clowning Around

Dear Done Clowning Around:

Why, aside from your own annoyance with his yard décor, are you convinced that your neighbor Harold is some kind of criminal deviant? Do you have a pathological fear of clowns that has left you prejudiced against this man? Have you heard rumor or seen something that would lead you to believe that he is laying a plan to predate on the neighborhood children? Or do you just have a problem believing that a man who works with children for a living must have some sort of ulterior motive and is laying a trap like the witch and her candy house in Hansel and Gretel?

Or does he look like this?

Since there have been no complaints about Mr. Harold, since the police see no reason to detain him, and since parents seem to trust him I think you should dig deep inside yourself and ask why you have it in for this man. As a self-employed party clown, Harold must constantly promote himself in order to keep his business afloat. What better way to do that than to endear the neighborhood children to him by giving out full-sized candy bars at Halloween and hosting an egg hunt every spring? Personally, I think it’s marketing genius. So long as the children are attended by a parent or other responsible adult, I see nothing wrong with this kind of outreach.

With regards to Harold’s community service, I think it is a wise choice to dress up in his recognizable costume that brings people joy when he goes to collect food for the less fortunate – when people are in a good mood they are more likely to be generous. As for his dressing up like Santa Claus for the children: visits with Santa are an age-old childhood tradition. The fact that Harold seeks to participate in this tradition is sweet; those Santa suits and beards can be hot and itchy, and you will not find too many men willing to give up their day off to don one while squirming kids sit in their lap – all for the good of the community. Speaking of sitting on Santa’s lap, did you allow your children to sit on the lap of the Santa at the mall, even though you knew nothing about him? Did you ever accuse Santa of trying to cop a feel when he steadied your children on his lap?

I suggest that you lay off of Harold before you find the police at your door, delivering a no-contact order to keep you away from Harold. Your comments and accusations are based upon nothing and could be considered harassment if taken too far. Your concerns, while admirable, appear to be misplaced.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Time With Grandparents Can Become Cherished Moments, Memories

Dear Tazi:

I am twelve years old but my grandmother, who I have to visit once a week, still treats me like a five year old. A few weeks ago when it rained we saw a rainbow and she suggested we walk to where it ended to look for the pot of gold at the end of it. Duh! Maybe I would have believed that when I was a kid, but that is baby stuff.

“Gram” does all sorts of stupid stuff like that, like asking me what I want Santa to bring me for Christmas or if the Tooth Fairy gave me extra money when I lost my last baby tooth a few months ago. When I tell her to stop treating me like such a baby she tells me to stop acting so grown up and enjoy being a child. I am not a child anymore! I am going to be thirteen soon and wearing makeup and even going on dates! Why can’t my Gram see this?

Signed,

Belle

Dear Belle:

I believe that your grandmother does see that you are growing up and that you are not a child anymore, which is why she is trying to hold onto that magical time when you were little and enjoyed taking long walks with your grandmother or snuggling with her and telling her you your secrets and dreams.

I suggest that you try and meet your grandmother halfway and indulge her when she suggests you follow the rainbow to its end; offer her a wry smile and say something like, “I doubt we will find my college fund, but a walk with my Gram sounds nice”. Before you know it the memories you make will be among your most treasured. You may be growing up, but your grandmother is growing older. It is written in the Bible that “no one knows when that day or hour will come” when the Lord will call us home (Matthew 24:36), so indulge your grandmother now and later you may discover later that you have actually indulged yourself.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Anger Management Is Easier With Family Support

Dear Tazi:

I have issues with anger management. Every little thing sets me off, from someone tapping their heels on the floor and making an annoying noise to crying children. I used to drink to take the edge off of my anger, but that backfired and made me even easier to anger. I didn't realize I had a problem because my family always accommodated me; I thought they truly were the ones with the problem and were right to apologize for angering me.

Last week, my youngest daughter told me that she is planning to come in from California for a working vacation (she is self-employed) and would like to visit with me and her mother. I told her how excited I was to be seeing her and that I was looking forward to seeing my six-year-old granddaughter when she told me that there was a problem with that. She told me that "Johanna" said she is "afraid of Grampy" because the last time I saw her - two years ago - I yelled at her for singing a dilly song while I was trying to catch the sports scores on TV.

Tazi, I had no idea how harmful my behavior was, or that it would make such a lasting impression on such a young child. Nobody made a big deal of things at the time, and I thought no further of it. My wife and I have always sent birthday and Christmas cards to Johanna, and even talked with her on Skype and my daughter has never let on that Johanna was afraid of me. My daughter explained that while looking through pictures of her last visit Johanna remembered how badly I had scared her.

My daughter has told me that she will not keep Johanna from me, but that we need to meet on neutral territory - like at a playground or other child-friendly location. Tazi, I would do anything to undo the damage I have done to my granddaughter's psyche. I seriously and truly regret the way I snapped at her two years ago, and have offered apologies to her, telling her I was "a mean Grampy, and won't do it again". However, I am afraid that will not be a promise I can keep if I am placed in a child-friendly area like a playground or children's restaurant. Groups of loud, unruly children set me on edge.

I have asked my daughter if we can meet at my house or even a regular restaurant, but she is firm in keeping the location "child friendly". I am seeking counseling for my anger issues, but I am not sure I have reached the point where I can be around such a large trigger. Must I forego a visit with my granddaughter until I am ready to be in a child-friendly atmosphere? I have no idea how long this will take, and I desperately want to see my grandchild.

Signed,
(Reforming) Mean Old Grampy

Dear (Reforming) Mean Old Grampy:

I give you a lot of credit for accepting your role in this whole scenario; accepting responsibility for your actions is one of the major steps to managing your anger. Rather than ditch the idea of meeting your granddaughter, I suggest that you talk to your daughter in terms of your recovery. Nobody would blame a recovering alcoholic for refusing to meet someone at the hotel bar, yet your daughter is asking you to step into a loaded environment - similar to how a hotel bar would affect a recovering alcoholic.

Would you make this guy angry on purpose?

Explain to your daughter that you are seeking help for your temper and have made strides towards both understanding and controlling your anger, and that it is because you understand your triggers (such as groups of loud, uncontrolled children) that you recognize that a child-friendly environment like she has in mind would not be the best place for you to reconnect with your granddaughter.

Would a picnic in a wide, open park area be a good compromise for you? A park offers enough space that the noise of other children would not carry as it does in an enclosed space (like a playground or child-friendly restaurant) and would allow your granddaughter the open space she needs to feel safe. Maybe an afternoon fishing at a local lake would be a nice way fore you and Johanna to reconnect? You could make it a family affair, with your wife and daughter, too. I suggest that you and your daughter settle on a quiet, relaxing, but fun-for-all-ages activity that would defuse the stress of the situation for both you and Johanna.

Recovery is not a process that can be undertaken alone; with your daughter's support, you will be able to build a relationship with Johanna...and even rebuild your relationship with your daughter, who I am certain bears emotional scars of her own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.