Domestic Abuse, Nagging Not A Cure For Horrid Habits

Dear Tazi:

My husband has the nasty habit of drinking milk and juice directly from the carton. I have repeatedly tried to correct his habit, to no avail. I have tried buying a separate carton for his use while the rest of the family pours from a communal carton, but he didn't bother to differentiate between the two and drank straight from both cartons.

While preparing for a special brunch, I noticed that my husband had opened - and presumably drank from - a fresh carton of orange juice. I was fuming because i had told him not to touch it, that it was for our guests, and I did not have the time to run out and buy more (we live in a very rural area). In my wrath, I grabbed a bottle of powerful laxative powder and mixed it with the rest of the carton of orange juice. I had no fear that my children would drink it; they listen quite well when I tell them not to do something.

My husband proceeded to drink - from the carton - the entire jug of orange juice and spent the entire afternoon in the upstairs bathroom, indisposed. Later in the week, he saw the empty laxative powder in the trash and put two and two together. He has told me that what I did was "deviant" and that I owe him and apology, suggesting that my penance should be to stop complaining about how he drinks out of the carton. I have refused to apologize and told him that his bout with distress was his penance and that he needs to stop drinking out of the carton before it happens again.

It has been a week, and we are still not speaking to each other and the kids are starting to stress about it. If I apologize for drugging his juice, my husband will think that his behavior is OK, when it certainly is not. On the other hand, I do not want this petty argument to negatively affect my children's lives.

Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out:

If you do not want this "petty argument" to negatively affect your children's life, why are you letting it have a negative affect on your marriage? Drugging your husband's orange juice may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but you acted in a fit of anger. Nobody truly thinks clearly when overcome by emotion. An overdose of laxatives can cause dehydration and other serious medical issues. Your "deviant" trick was actually a form of assault. For this, you owe your husband an apology and should possibly seek anger management counseling for yourself.

I do not suggest you let your husband's unsanitary behavior continue, but nagging him is not going to make him more inclined to do your bidding. In fact, quite the opposite is true; the more you nag the more he will indulge in the problem behavior. A simple and inexpensive solution to your problem would be to buy a pitcher for your refrigerated beverages. It is very difficult to drink milk or juice directly from a spouted pitcher, and downright impossible to drink it from a pitcher with a spigot.

How about this one? Something about it makes me smile!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Relocating Means Learning New Language, Overcoming Old Prejudices

Dear Tazi:

A few months ago I accepted a job transfer to Miami, thinking the change of scenery (and escape from an upstate New York winter) would be a nice change of pace. The one thing I forgot to count on is the fact that Miami is no longer a part of the United States, at least it seems that way.  With more people speaking Spanish than English, I feel like I have moved to Cuba.  I believe that in America we should speak English, but my beliefs are not going to help me get by in this new city where I do not know anybody and do not speak the predominant language.  I feel like an immigrant in my own country, and am very, very frustrated.

I am trying very hard to overcome my anger at those who have moved here to America - legally or illegally - and have not learned English, but it is hard.  Why should I have to learn Spanish when the official language of America is English?  Why shouldn't people who speak Spanish have to learn English?  I am in my forties, and learning a new language is not easy at my age.

People have mentioned that I try Rosetta Stone, but that program is very expensive and I am not sure how I would do in a self-guided program.  I do not have time to take a class at the community college, and I really need to learn at least conversational Spanish to get around this city.  In past columns, you have mentioned that your Mommie is learning Spanish.  Can you tell me any of her secrets for learning this new language?  Or is she failing as badly as I am at trying to learn Spanish?

Signed,

No Habla Español 

Dear No Habla Español:

First let me state for the record that, due to my bearing the onus of an inordinate amount of neglect, my Mommie is doing very well in her attempts to learn Spanish!  Mi mamá trabaja mucho! Before I share some of her tips for learning a new language - I have not decided if you are worthy of them yet - I would like to address the attitude I sense coming from your letter.

To start, you are incorrect in stating that English is the "official language" of the United States.  The U.S. has no official language; English is simply the most commonly spoken one and the most agreed upon for government use as it is the traditionally used language within our borders.  There are those who argue that America should pass legislation declaring English as our official language, but until that happens your argument is on shaky ground.

There are different areas in America where the predominant culture dictates the language most spoken - a good example of this would be among the Amish, who speak a German dialect among themselves and within their communities.  This does not mean that they cannot speak English (they can, and they do when the occasion calls for it), which brings me to another point: you assume that simply because someone is speaking Spanish that they are unable to speak English; this is not always correct.  Many immigrants and first generation Americans are bi-lingual and even poly-lingual, putting the language skills of the native born to shame.

You mention that you are in your forties and that learning a new language at your age is hard.  Many who immigrate to America come here not as children, but as adults and experience the same difficulty learning English that you are experiencing learning Spanish.  It is for this reason that Spanish speaking communities form, eliminating the need to learn English in order to go about one's day to day business.  Again, this is not to say that nobody in those communities speaks English; I suggest you work to find businesses that are bilingual in English-Spanish and patron them while you work to improve your Spanish.  Who knows?  The business owners may even assist you with your Spanish while you are in their stores.

You are right to feel like an immigrant in your own country, because technically you have immigrated to a new community.  Even if that community spoke English, it would be a very different form of English than what you speak in upstate New York; you would have to learn how to interpret the local verbiage and work through the differences in your accents in order to make yourself understood and to understand others.

Being immersed in a new language is actually the best way to learn it - after all, it is how you learned your first language.  The next time you find yourself lost in the world of a new language, try to put aside your anger, fear, and panic and truly listen to what is being said.  Many Spanish words are part of the English language, and many Spanish words sound similar to English words; try to put these words into the context of the situation.  Do not be afraid to tell people that you do not speak Spanish, and ask them to speak slowly (habla despacio, por favor!).  Use as many physical props as possible to get your message across, and listen to the words used in response.  This is a great way to increase your vocabulary.  In time, as your vocabulary increases, your grammar will also improve.

Now, as for how Mommie is managing to do so well in her Spanish class: She first worked on building her vocabulary.  Her Spanish textbook keeps words in groups - physical traits, academic topics, rooms in the house, etc.  She learns each group in turn, and then uses them when speaking to me.  Over the past few months I have learned that I come la comida para gatos (eat cat food); duerme sobre una manta (sleep on a blanket) and that I can be a dolar en el culo! (pain in the...HEY!!!  That is not nice!).

Once you learn some vocabulary, you can learn how to conjugate each verb.  A book like Spanish for Dummies can be very helpful, as can a Spanish to English dictionary, many of which are free online.  The key to retaining what you learn is to practice every day.  Mommie talks to me in Spanish, and reviews the stuff that is giving her trouble right before she goes to bed; while sleeping, her brain untangles the problem and things generally make sense in the morning.

I realize that you say you do not have the time to take a class, but this really is the best way to learn a new language if immersion is not working for you.  Many colleges offer Spanish classes online, so you  do not have to worry about making it to a set class time each week - just about completing the assignments and practicing, practicing, practicing!!!  Perfection will not come overnight, but nobody is expecting that of you.  The fact that you are making an effort will be noticed, and go a long way towards helping you gain acceptance in your new community.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Anger Management Is Easier With Family Support

Dear Tazi:

I have issues with anger management. Every little thing sets me off, from someone tapping their heels on the floor and making an annoying noise to crying children. I used to drink to take the edge off of my anger, but that backfired and made me even easier to anger. I didn't realize I had a problem because my family always accommodated me; I thought they truly were the ones with the problem and were right to apologize for angering me.

Last week, my youngest daughter told me that she is planning to come in from California for a working vacation (she is self-employed) and would like to visit with me and her mother. I told her how excited I was to be seeing her and that I was looking forward to seeing my six-year-old granddaughter when she told me that there was a problem with that. She told me that "Johanna" said she is "afraid of Grampy" because the last time I saw her - two years ago - I yelled at her for singing a dilly song while I was trying to catch the sports scores on TV.

Tazi, I had no idea how harmful my behavior was, or that it would make such a lasting impression on such a young child. Nobody made a big deal of things at the time, and I thought no further of it. My wife and I have always sent birthday and Christmas cards to Johanna, and even talked with her on Skype and my daughter has never let on that Johanna was afraid of me. My daughter explained that while looking through pictures of her last visit Johanna remembered how badly I had scared her.

My daughter has told me that she will not keep Johanna from me, but that we need to meet on neutral territory - like at a playground or other child-friendly location. Tazi, I would do anything to undo the damage I have done to my granddaughter's psyche. I seriously and truly regret the way I snapped at her two years ago, and have offered apologies to her, telling her I was "a mean Grampy, and won't do it again". However, I am afraid that will not be a promise I can keep if I am placed in a child-friendly area like a playground or children's restaurant. Groups of loud, unruly children set me on edge.

I have asked my daughter if we can meet at my house or even a regular restaurant, but she is firm in keeping the location "child friendly". I am seeking counseling for my anger issues, but I am not sure I have reached the point where I can be around such a large trigger. Must I forego a visit with my granddaughter until I am ready to be in a child-friendly atmosphere? I have no idea how long this will take, and I desperately want to see my grandchild.

Signed,
(Reforming) Mean Old Grampy

Dear (Reforming) Mean Old Grampy:

I give you a lot of credit for accepting your role in this whole scenario; accepting responsibility for your actions is one of the major steps to managing your anger. Rather than ditch the idea of meeting your granddaughter, I suggest that you talk to your daughter in terms of your recovery. Nobody would blame a recovering alcoholic for refusing to meet someone at the hotel bar, yet your daughter is asking you to step into a loaded environment - similar to how a hotel bar would affect a recovering alcoholic.

Would you make this guy angry on purpose?

Explain to your daughter that you are seeking help for your temper and have made strides towards both understanding and controlling your anger, and that it is because you understand your triggers (such as groups of loud, uncontrolled children) that you recognize that a child-friendly environment like she has in mind would not be the best place for you to reconnect with your granddaughter.

Would a picnic in a wide, open park area be a good compromise for you? A park offers enough space that the noise of other children would not carry as it does in an enclosed space (like a playground or child-friendly restaurant) and would allow your granddaughter the open space she needs to feel safe. Maybe an afternoon fishing at a local lake would be a nice way fore you and Johanna to reconnect? You could make it a family affair, with your wife and daughter, too. I suggest that you and your daughter settle on a quiet, relaxing, but fun-for-all-ages activity that would defuse the stress of the situation for both you and Johanna.

Recovery is not a process that can be undertaken alone; with your daughter's support, you will be able to build a relationship with Johanna...and even rebuild your relationship with your daughter, who I am certain bears emotional scars of her own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Accident Leads To Anger, Jealousy - And A Need To Move On

Dear Tazi:

A few years ago I was in a car accident. I was not hurt, but my car was totaled. It was an old car, with over 300,000 miles and not much book value to it, but it ran. The person who hit me was uninsured, and had almost no assets so I couldn't even sue him personally to collect on my loss. My insurance company paid me a just under $1,000, but there was no way I would find a reliable used car for that kind of money - I looked! I ended up having to buy a new car.

The guy who hit me was held for financial responsibility and had his license suspended. He filed for bankruptcy a few months later, and discharged this claim against him, and got his license back. I thought that was the last I would ever see or hear of him, but then a few weeks ago the local paper reported that he won $10,000 on the lottery! In the story he was quoted as saying he planned to buy a new car, since he lost his in an accident a few years ago and blah, blah, blah...

Tazi, I wanted to punch this guy in the face! Who does he think he is? I had to borrow money and pay interest on it to get a used car through a dealership and am still paying it off and this guy gets to drive something new? How fair is that? I contacted my lawyer to ask if I had a case against him but was told that I don't; the initial case was settled when I collected against my own insurance. I looked the guy's phone number up and left a message, but he never returned it. I have written a letter to the local paper explaining why the guy doesn't have a car, but it didn't get printed. I just feel like this guy owes me something. Right now, I am resisting the urge to break the windows on his new car.

My girlfriend says I should let this go, that I needed a new car anyway and that the insurance settlement gave me my down payment. This is true, but I can't let go that this guy gets a new car interest free. What's your take on things, Tazi?

Signed,
Angry and Aggravated

Dear Angry and Aggravated:

My take on things is that you got dealt a horrible hand in this situation and that busting out this other man's windows - or in any other way harassing him - will only make things worse for you. As hard as this is, you need to let go of your anger; if you can't do that on your own, try seeking professional help from a licensed counselor.

Not to make you angrier, but you are only seeing one side of the story - your own. Has it occurred to you that this other man's life has probably not been a bed of roses these past few years? You say that he had "almost no assets" and then had to declare bankruptcy. He had to be hard up if he could not pay financial responsibility of less than $1,000.  Bankruptcy is not a choice to be made lightly.

With a recent bankruptcy on his credit, this man is probably seen by many as unreliable. This will have made it difficult for him to find a job or advance at a job or rent an apartment. He will also be unable to finance a car, and after Uncle Sam takes his share of the lottery winnings, this man will have about $7,000 left over. I realize that is $6,000 more than you got for your car, but it is hardly enough to buy a new car; in today's market it might buy a 10 year old vehicle (not including sales tax, registration fees, etc.). Are you feeling a bit better now?

Life has handed you lemons, I am not denying you that, but I doubt the other guy's life is the bowl of cherries you think it is. Concentrate on moving on with your own life, and seeing the positive side of the situation. As your girlfriend pointed out, you needed a new car, and the insurance settlement gave you more than you would have received in trade for your old car; as you have pointed out, you were not injured in the accident. Those are two things to be thankful for; I suggest you keep busy by looking for more.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.