Woman Assumes Too Much, Sets Off Embarrassing Chain Of Events

Dear Tazi:

I have made a hugely embarrassing mistake, and I have no idea how to make up for it. My husband is a local police officer; he works in the Special Victims' unit, dealing with sexual offenders and other odious crimes. Since we have two small children, I am ever vigilant to keep their Daddy's work at work (he does not discuss his work at home) and keep a regular eye on the sexual offenders' registry, which shows pictures of the registered offenders as well as their addresses.

A few months ago, a single man moved into the house down the street from us. He generally keeps to himself and rarely comes outside. The leader of our Neighborhood Watch told me that he refused her invitation to join; he has also ignored invitations from others who have asked him over for coffee and other "get to know you" get-togethers.

I was curious as to why he was so standoffish, but thought I had figured out why when I decided to run an online background check on him through the sexual offenders registry - I believe that you can never be too careful, especially when you have children! All I had was his last name (it's on his mailbox) and our city/state information, but I was shocked to see his picture come up when I did a search! I immediately reported him to my husband, and asked him to pay a visit to the man.

To my absolute shame, my neighbor is not the sexual offender I accused him of being. He has an identical twin brother who has served time for having relations with a thirteen year old girl and is now registered as a sexual offender. My neighbor is now convinced that the members of the Neighborhood Watch were the accusers, and refuses to have anything to do with anyone associated with the program.

Tazi, I would like to make a public apology to my neighbor and to the Neighborhood Watch, who he has credited with my improper assumption. I am not sure how I should go about doing this, though. I was considering something along the lines of a Christmas newsletter, only it would be a letter of apology sent to all. My husband says to let sleeping dogs lie, but I just can't...

Signed,
Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed:

Where do I begin? I could address your original behavior (an online background check with nothing more than a last name? Really?) but you seem contrite, and you had the best interests of your children at heart, so I will let you slide without a Paw Slap of Disgust this time; you seem to have learned your lesson.

If you have such a burning desire to apologize to your neighbor, why not do just that? There is no need to make a huge production out of it; in fact, I think sending out a public apology will only serve to further embarrass your neighbor, who has already suffered enough humiliation and invasion into his private life. I suggest that you send a handwritten not to your neighbor (you obviously have his address) apologizing for your behavior and taking the full and proper blame for this unfortunate accusation. If from there he chooses to apologize to the members of the Neighborhood Watch for his accusations against them then that is his business and his alone. It is not your place to apologize to the Neighborhood Watch for additional false accusations.

Let this situation be a lesson learned. From now on, please leave the detective work to your husband and remember not to assume anything!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sensible Or Scrooge? Sibling Refuses To Assist With Emergency Financial Help

Dear Tazi:

I have always lived my life debt free. I started working at age 16; rode a bus until I had saved enough money to buy my own car and pay for the insurance; attended a community college before transferring to a state university; and financed my education through a payment plan, not student loans. My current goal is to purchase my own home for cash, so I do not have to pay a mortgage. I live at home with my parents, who refuse to accept any money for room or board.

I have a pretty good job, and I manage to bank more than half of my take-home pay every week. By living frugally, I have managed to save over $100,000 in the past ten years. My problem is my sister. "Sue" is my polar opposite when it comes to money. She has very little savings because she took out thousands of dollars in student loans to attend her first choice school, and she now struggles as she follows her dream to make it as an actress. Admittedly she is very talented, but so are a lot of struggling actors and actresses; talent does not guarantee success. Although she has done well enough for herself, she is no where near being a big name star.

Our parents help Sue out whenever she asks for money, which is rare, but I have always been unable to shake the feeling that the big request for cash is the elephant in the room. Last month, the elephant trumpeted. Sue was in a terrible car accident. The driver who hit her car was uninsured so they are unable to pay for the damages, which are severe. Sue was in the hospital for a week, and her health insurance isn't the greatest so she has a 20% co-pay, which is thousands of dollars. Sue is going to be out of work for several months, and does not have any kind of disability insurance. Her car was only insured for the minimum her state requires, so her policy doesn't even pay enough to cover what she owes on her car, which was totaled and had more owing on it than it was worth in the first place. In summary, Sue is now over  $50,000 in debt with no way to pay and is looking at a long stretch of disability. Without some kind of assistance, she is looking at declaring bankruptcy.

My parents have nowhere near that kind of money to pay Sue's debts...but I do, and they have asked me to pitch in and assist her. I refused, reminding my parents of my dream to own my own home free and clear. My parents reminded me that I have taken advantage of their assistance to follow my dream, living with them rent free my whole life. I don't think it is fair for them to hold that fact over me, since they insisted I put the "rent" money towards my goal.

My parents own their own home, and are both retired. They have offered to deed me a portion of the house equal to what I would be willing to give to assist my sister, but this is money I will not see until after they have passed - unless I want to force them to take out a home equity loan to buy me out, and I am not that big of an [anal opening]. Am I being selfish, as everyone claims I am? Or are my sister's financial issues the result of her own poor choices?

Signed,
Secure and Happy...For Now

Dear Secure and Happy...For Now:

Are you certain that you are not that big of an [anal opening]? Did you get tested? It seems to me that you sold your humanity and your soul in exchange for a few extra dollars in your savings account. Throughout your entire letter, all you do is praise your own choices and criticize your sisters. I had to do some heavy editing out of these criticisms just to keep your letter on topic.

While I commend you on your sound financial choices and your ability to save, not everybody chose the path you did. Your sister chose to take risks, to strike out on her own; she may not have yet hit a home run, but she was safely running the bases when fate threw her a cruel curve-ball. Your judgmental attitude is doing nothing to alleviate her pain or your parents concern.

While I am not going to advise you to assist your sister - the choice to help or not to help must be yours alone - I will suggest that you look at the bigger picture. You say that your parents have offered to deed you a portion of the house equal to what you would be willing to give to help your sister. This may not be a bad idea. You claim that you pay cash for everything, so I am guessing that you do not have/use credit, which means you have no credit history and your only asset is your large bank account. This could come back to bite you in the rear when the day comes that you need some kind of credit history. Credit is not only used to grant loans; it is also used to gauge the quality of a person's reputation (fairly or unfairly). Many auto insurance companies use credit in deciding premiums; many employers run a credit check as part of the interview process; and even the telephone company requires a credit history before granting a contract for a mobile phone account.

Another point to consider is the fact that the housing market is starting to bounce back after bottoming out. A percentage share of a house (rather than a flat dollar amount) will continue to grow over the next few years; a $25,000 investment could increase to $40,000 in only a few years; a $50,000 investment now could easily increase to $75,000 or more by the time you are ready to reclaim your investment and purchase a home of your own. What other investment do you know of that will pay a 33% dividend over such a short period of time? These are details that you could work out with your parents before giving a firm yes or no answer to their request. Furthermore, if your goal is to pay cash for a home, depending on where you live you may have to save for several more years, during which time interest rates on investment savings remain low. Again, I am not telling you that you must assist your sister; I am simply telling you to consider all of the angles before shutting the door on your parents request.

Regardless of your desire, a refusal to assist your sister may result in your parents requesting that you start paying rent or even the demand that you find a place of your own now, rather than when you have enough saved to pay cash. After all, you are now in your thirties; have a sizable nest egg; and still live with them rent-free. Just one more angle to consider. I strongly suggest you talk to a financial planner or attorney who specializes in real estate law.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Driver Needs To Keep Eyes On The Road

Dear Tazi:

I am beside myself as I am writing this, so please feel free to correct any typos, grammatical errors, and whatever else you need to do to make this letter understandable. My husband ran over my neighbors cat this evening, badly injuring the poor animal. By some miracle, the animal was not killed; but the vet bill will probably be several thousand dollars, which we will of course cover without complaint. At least, I will cover without complaint; my husband will be wailing the entire time.

"George" claims that the cat ran out into the middle of the road and right in front of his car, giving him no time or space to stop. While this may be true, I know a different version of the truth myself: George has a bad habit of not looking where he is going while behind the wheel of the car. George likes to talk when he is driving, and has a dangerous habit of looking at the person he is talking to while he is still driving. If there is nobody in the car with him - and there wasn't when he hit "Zebra Cake" - he will listen to NPR [National Public Radio] and look down at the radio to yell at the talk show host (as if they can hear him!).

While I am thanking our lucky stars that Zebra Cake was not killed, I am doubly grateful that George did not hit a child. We live in a residential neighborhood, and there are several young children with families on our street. I commented to George that he needs to be more careful when he is driving - that the next thing he hits may not be a thing, but a person; but he just got defensive and told me I was over-reacting. What can I do to make George see the danger of his driving habits?

Signed,
Pet Lover

Dear Pet Lover:

Poor Zebra Cake! I am glad to hear he will recover from his injuries. As for your husband, let him complain all he wants about paying the vet bill - the fact remains, he hit a domestic animal with his vehicle. Most people would show remorse at doing something like that, even if the animal did jump out in front of their vehicle. NO snuggles for George!!!

As for correcting your husband's poor driving habits; you can't. The fact that George got defensive tells me that he is aware of the fact that his driving habits are endangering others, and he is probably in shock from the traumatic experience. By pointing out that he could have hit a child you are rubbing the obvious in his face. I would suggest that you let the matter drop for now. Since George was alone in the car at the time of the accident, only he knows the truth - weather he hit Zebra Cake because he was not paying attention to the road, or because the cat really did make a suicide run in front of the car.

In the meantime, I think it would be a nice idea if the two of you went to visit Zebra Cake to check in on him and see how he is doing. When faced with the extent of the animal's injuries, George may take to heart the fact that it could have been a child that "ran out into the middle of the road and right in front of his car, giving him no time or space to stop". Hopefully, this will lead to an awakening on his part that driving is a privilege that needs to be undertaken with a great deal of awareness for one's surroundings.

If George continues to deny the fact that his driving habits are dangerous, I would suggest that you - and others - refuse to get into the car with him when he is behind the wheel. Once he sees how serious you are about automotive safety, he will have no choice but to examine his behavior. A defensive driving course would be beneficial to George, and the money spent on it will be more than recouped by the break on auto insurance rates that you will receive after completing the course.

Snuggles to you and Zebra Cake,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Facial Scarring Is No Reason To Hang Your Head

Dear Tazi:

Several years ago I was in a fire. I escaped with my life but I suffered horrible burns, especially to my face. I now have a great deal of scarring and facial deformity that I have learned to live with, or so I thought.

My wife and I just got divorced, and I am working on starting a new life without her. I have moved to a new city and have started a new job (I worked for my ex-wife's family business, and it was just too weird to continue after the divorce). I know that I am not ready to start dating yet, but I would like to make some new friends. This is where the problem with my face starts.

I am not blind, Tazi. Luckily, the fire did not damage my eye-sight. I know how I look, and I know that my scars make people wince when they look at me and then turn away, embarrassed. I can't say I blame them - granted, I was never a George Clooney or a Brad Pitt, but now I have been known to frighten small children; and I want to know how I can tell people that it's okay to look me in the face, that I understand the human desire to stare in horrified fascination. I just don't want to put it so bluntly, because I don't want to offend anyone, especially when I am trying to make friends. Do you know how to put what I want to say into words, Tazi?

Signed,
Frank N. Stein

Dear Frank N. Stein:

Oh, I just caught onto that joke! Your self-deprecating humor caught me off-guard. [Ed. Note: Say the name Frank N. Stein really fast]. Your sense of humor is quite endearing, as is your sense of acceptance over your injuries.

You are correct in understanding that when people see someone who looks different there is an uncontrollable desire to stare. Be it a person of exceptional beauty or a person who has suffered a facial deformity, it is human nature to want to pause and examine that which we do not see every day. Your comment that you "have been known to scare small children" tells me that your scarring must be pretty bad, making me think that people who meet you for the first time are caught off guard and do not know how to act/react. They may be wondering how you managed to survive such damaging injuries but do not wish to pry into your personal life. I would not call this "horrified fascination" (though it might be for some, most people are sympathetic to injuries).

The next time you meet - or meet up - with someone who appears to be uncomfortable with your scars, try to put them at ease by simply stating the facts: that you were in a terrible fire, but managed to escape. You can joke that your injuries actually did more damage than can be seen - that before the fire you could have passed for George Clooney's twin brother. Humor generally puts people at ease, and shows the world that you are strong enough to take the questions and curious looks that people might send you way.

Once you have established yourself in your new job and new community, people will feel more at ease with you as they get to know you as a person, and not as a person who stands out in a crowd. Before too long, the friends you make will not even notice your scars because they will be seeing your inner beauty instead of your outer packaging.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reasons For A Break Up Need Not Be Made Public

Dear Tazi:

I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriend and was on the way to his house to go through with it when I was in a terrible car accident. A large SUV went through a red light (the driver was drunk) and my compact car was demolished, along with both of my legs, my left hip, and several ribs. I also sustained a concussion from the impact of the crash. I am healing well from the accident, and doing my best not to be dependent upon anybody. I am lucky to have a wonderful support group made up of family and friends, as well as members of my church. With some intense physical therapy, I should be back to normal within six months.

My problem is my boyfriend – I never did have the chance to break up with him. It has been a month since the accident, and he has been saying things that have a cryptic sound, like “Don’t worry; I would never leave you over this, even if you insisted because you don’t want me to be tied to a cripple for the rest of my life”. Um, for one I am *not* a “cripple”; for two I find that word to be highly offensive; and for three I never expressed fear that he would leave me. In fact, it would make the whole break up a lot less messy.

My best friend, who knew about my break up plans, told me that the accident was a sign that we were meant to be together, but I am not so sure of that. During the three weeks I spent in the hospital, my boyfriend never came to visit me, saying he thought I would be too tired for visitors. I am getting the impression that my injuries are more of a burden to him than he would care to handle and his brave face is all just a façade. I still want to break up with him, but I am afraid that people will think it is because of the accident and fear that my prognosis for recovery is not good. I really do not wish to be the subject of gossip, nor do I wish people to think that my boyfriend is the kind of guy who would leave a woman over physical disability – even though it appears that he may actually be that kind of guy. Should I try to stick things out until I am recovered, and then end things with him, Tazi? Or should I just cut all ties now, as originally planned? I am not worried about him pressuring me for sex or other forms of physical intimacy, due to my injuries, but it is getting difficult to keep up with the emotional part of a relationship that I no longer want to continue.

Signed,
Not A Cripple

Dear Not A Cripple:

I can understand your desire to go through with your original plan. Your choice of signature speaks volumes, and I think that seeing this previously unseen side of your boyfriend has furthered your desire to “cut all ties” with him.

Since you fear what the gossips will say about a break up so soon after such an incredible physical trauma, you should not broadcast your plan to break up with your boyfriend. Rather, do it quickly and quietly to save face for all involved. Since he has not been at your side during your hospitalization his further absence will not seem out of place. If people question his absence, casually mention that the two of you are no longer a couple and that the timing could not be better, as you need to concentrate all of your efforts on your physical rehabilitation. If someone should be nosy enough to ask for details or comment on the timing of the break up, shut them down by offering the unexciting explanation “the break up was mutual; it was the accident that was poorly timed”.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to rehabilitate your physical self. Over the next few months, I am certain that the gossips you fear will notice your improvement, which should silence their acid tongues lest they look like fools for spreading ugly rumors.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Single Mom Needs Emergency Help, Brother Not Sure He Can Be There

Dear Tazi:

My sister was a late-in-life single Mom. She was in a terrible car accident recently and it doesn’t look too good for her – she is going to need several months of in-hospital rehabilitative therapy. Our Mom has been watching my sister’s five year old daughter for her, but Mom is in her seventies and can’t keep up with a young kid. This leaves me.

“Rita” is planning on asking me to take guardianship of her daughter, “Callie” while she is in rehab. I am single, never married, and have no children. I would have no clue how to care for a five year old girl even if I had any desire to do it. I travel a lot for work, so I would have to leave her with my Mom or someone while I was away…it’s just a bad, bad situation all around and I am afraid I will only make it worse – either by telling Rita no when she asks me to watch Callie or by saying yes and making the lives of everyone involved miserable. What do I do???

Signed,

Bachelor Uncle

Dear Bachelor Uncle:

You explain to your sister that your job makes it impossible for you to be the full-time parent that her daughter needs and that you will do everything you can to assist her and her daughter in any other way possible. This means assisting with transportation to and from the rehab center, being there for Callie as a father figure when she needs one, offering whatever financial assistance you are able, and helping to make Callie feel like she is a welcome and loved member of her extended family, and not a burden to be pawned off on others. You may be surprised at just how well you do helping to raise Callie, and at the strong bond that could develop between the two of you.

If your sister has a close friend with whom she would trust Callie (such as a Godparent) it is time to call on that person. If you live in a small town or close knit community, put out a call for assistance; I am sure someone will be more than happy to open up their home to Callie while her mother works to recover from her injuries. An absolute last resort would be to place Callie in a foster home until her mother is again able to care for her. Are you that heartless? I certainly hope not.

Snuggles (Maybe),

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Who Is Responsible For Damage When Junk Car Is Further Damaged?

Dear Tazi:

Last week I borrowed my sister’s car because mine was in the shop having some warranty work done. My car is relatively new and looks like it just came off of the line because I take excellent care of it. My sister drives a much older car with a lot of scratches, dings, and other body damage (including a fender that is held on with wire).

Unfortunately, while I was in the mall parking lot, someone dinged her door and left a thumb-nail sized dent in it, as well as a chip in the paint. When I returned the car to my sister she noticed the new dent before I had the chance to tell her about it (and I was going to tell her about it!). Unbeknownst to me, she went out and got a quote on the cost of repair and discovered that the entire door will have to be repainted because the body shop will not guarantee a “touch-up job” on a door with so many other scratches and dings. My sister wants me to pay for the entire cost of having the entire car repainted, because a freshly painted door would not match the rest of the car!

I have absolutely refused to pay for the cost of having the door repainted, let alone the car, or to have the paint touched-up and the dent taken out of the door when she has done no such thing in the past to repair the damage she has inflected on her car. She told me if the situation was reversed and she had dinged my car I would expect her to pay for the damage, but I told her she was comparing apples and oranges, that my car is practically new and I take care of it. This led to an argument about how I have no respect for her things because they are not as nice as mine and how I think I am better than her because I make quite a deal more of it than she. She threatened to take me to small claims court to collect, so I told her to go ahead. I received my summons today.

Our mother is beside herself over this, and is telling me that I should pay to have the car repainted for the sake of family unity and “to keep the gossips from talking”. Tazi, I have no intention of paying to have my sister’s car repainted. I realize if I go to court I will probably have to pay something, so I would like to offer an amount that is fair. What do you suggest?

Signed,

Dented Relations

Dear Dented Relations:

Your sister is trying to play you for a sucker; shame on her! You are right that if you went to court you would probably have to pay something – most likely the cost of having the dent taken out and the paint touched up, but also a lot more in the loss of familial relations and whatever the gossips take out on your reputation.

She's not driving a beauty like this, is she?

I think a good compromise here would be to offer to pay half the cost of repainting your sister’s entire car. She is right that a freshly painted door on a car full of dings, scratches, and I am assuming sun-faded paint will look ridiculous, but it is not your responsibility to cover the cost of her lack of maintenance. The cost of re-painting an entire door will probably cost around $500 while repainting the entire car will go around $1200; for an extra $100 you can extend the olive branch, although I do not think you will end up paying anything at all if you do as I suggest: tell your sister that you will write a check directly to the auto body shop that does the work. This way, she cannot take the money and run but use it to pay for the repairs she is demanding you cover. If she cannot afford to pay her half tell her to start saving, that you are not going to be played for the sucker she apparently thinks you are.

Your sister would be wise to take the deal I have suggested; I doubt she would do any better in court and would most likely do a whole lot worse.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Accident Leads To Anger, Jealousy - And A Need To Move On

Dear Tazi:

A few years ago I was in a car accident. I was not hurt, but my car was totaled. It was an old car, with over 300,000 miles and not much book value to it, but it ran. The person who hit me was uninsured, and had almost no assets so I couldn't even sue him personally to collect on my loss. My insurance company paid me a just under $1,000, but there was no way I would find a reliable used car for that kind of money - I looked! I ended up having to buy a new car.

The guy who hit me was held for financial responsibility and had his license suspended. He filed for bankruptcy a few months later, and discharged this claim against him, and got his license back. I thought that was the last I would ever see or hear of him, but then a few weeks ago the local paper reported that he won $10,000 on the lottery! In the story he was quoted as saying he planned to buy a new car, since he lost his in an accident a few years ago and blah, blah, blah...

Tazi, I wanted to punch this guy in the face! Who does he think he is? I had to borrow money and pay interest on it to get a used car through a dealership and am still paying it off and this guy gets to drive something new? How fair is that? I contacted my lawyer to ask if I had a case against him but was told that I don't; the initial case was settled when I collected against my own insurance. I looked the guy's phone number up and left a message, but he never returned it. I have written a letter to the local paper explaining why the guy doesn't have a car, but it didn't get printed. I just feel like this guy owes me something. Right now, I am resisting the urge to break the windows on his new car.

My girlfriend says I should let this go, that I needed a new car anyway and that the insurance settlement gave me my down payment. This is true, but I can't let go that this guy gets a new car interest free. What's your take on things, Tazi?

Signed,
Angry and Aggravated

Dear Angry and Aggravated:

My take on things is that you got dealt a horrible hand in this situation and that busting out this other man's windows - or in any other way harassing him - will only make things worse for you. As hard as this is, you need to let go of your anger; if you can't do that on your own, try seeking professional help from a licensed counselor.

Not to make you angrier, but you are only seeing one side of the story - your own. Has it occurred to you that this other man's life has probably not been a bed of roses these past few years? You say that he had "almost no assets" and then had to declare bankruptcy. He had to be hard up if he could not pay financial responsibility of less than $1,000.  Bankruptcy is not a choice to be made lightly.

With a recent bankruptcy on his credit, this man is probably seen by many as unreliable. This will have made it difficult for him to find a job or advance at a job or rent an apartment. He will also be unable to finance a car, and after Uncle Sam takes his share of the lottery winnings, this man will have about $7,000 left over. I realize that is $6,000 more than you got for your car, but it is hardly enough to buy a new car; in today's market it might buy a 10 year old vehicle (not including sales tax, registration fees, etc.). Are you feeling a bit better now?

Life has handed you lemons, I am not denying you that, but I doubt the other guy's life is the bowl of cherries you think it is. Concentrate on moving on with your own life, and seeing the positive side of the situation. As your girlfriend pointed out, you needed a new car, and the insurance settlement gave you more than you would have received in trade for your old car; as you have pointed out, you were not injured in the accident. Those are two things to be thankful for; I suggest you keep busy by looking for more.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.