Beautiful Friend Needs To Develop Her Talents

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is outstandingly beautiful. This woman could be a Miss America if she competed in pageants, that's how pretty she is. However, her looks are all she has going for her. She has zero brains and little talent. She works as a receptionist for an office in a busy downtown area, and that is about all she can handle intellectually.

My problem with "Jasmine" is that she is skating through life on her looks. Doors open for her - literally and figuratively - on her good looks. She dates rich guys who buy her whatever she wants, regardless of the cost; she never has to pay for drinks when she goes out somewhere because there is always a line of guys looking to buy her one; and she always gets a good deal on stuff she has to buy herself because her looks make an amazing bargaining chip! I had to pay near sticker for my car while Jasmine got hers for near cost (the salesperson told her she would be "good advertising" for the dealership if she was seen driving one of their cars).

The worst part of all of this is that Jasmine has a heart of gold. After a recent upset regarding her looks, she told me not to hate on her because she is beautiful; that once her looks go people won't give her a second glance while I will be just fine because I am smart and charming. I don't think she meant to give me a backhanded compliment, but that is how it sounded to me. Is there anything I can do to get over my jealousy of Jasmine - short of dreaming that she has a disfiguring car accident by crashing her brand new convertible?

Signed,
The Plain One

Dear The Plain One:

Wow, you really put a lot of emphasis on looks, don't you? While it is obvious that Jasmine is using her looks to get ahead in life, it is as she points out - looks are all she has; once they go, what will she have left?

Although I cannot say that it is fair, it is a reflection of nature that the more attractive beings get the most attention. Even among animals, those who are found to be the sexiest (like me!) get the most attention from the opposite sex, while those who are the cutest and cuddliest (also like me!) get the most attention period. Lucky for me, I wake up looking this fabulous. Humans have to work at it.

I tend to force Mommie to take the extra 15 minutes for cuddles!

I am certain that Jasmine does not roll out of bed looking picture perfect. I am also sure that she invests a great deal of money, as well as time, into looking as amazing as you claim. I doubt she goes to Supercuts for a trim and a highlight, or to the little Korean place on the corner (the one that looks like a bomb hit it) for her manicures. Do you think she uses Suave or Paul Mitchell hair products? Or maybe a Flowbee? How much do you think her makeup costs? Looking beautiful is like cooking or baking: if you start with top of the line ingredients you are going to make something amazing, even if you aren't a very good cook. Have you ever seen a picture of Pam Anderson without her makeup?

Yup. This is her sans warpaint!

Now you have, and are probably wishing you hadn't since it spoils the fantasy she likes to create. The next time you get to hating on Jasmine for her looks, try to imagine her as she wakes up in the morning - bad hair, bad skin, and bad breath. Feeling a little better?


Since she is a friend of yours, rather than hate on Jasmine for her looks, why not encourage her to develop new talents? A receptionist is a position that requires a remarkable speaking voice. Might Jasmine look into using her voice professionally, as a voice-over artist? Encouragement from someone that she sees as "smart and charming" may be what Jasmine needs to depend less upon her looks and more upon her professional talents to become more than just a pretty face. This, in turn, will show you that you are more than just "The Plain One" when reflected against Jasmine's beauty. In fact, you may see what Jasmine sees - a smart and charming career woman who she admires.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

True Beauty Comes From The Inside; A Beautiful Face Is A Bonus

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend of several years, "Barry" is a bartender. He works in a nightclub that is known for its fights, due to differing ethnic backgrounds (that don't get along) who both like to hang out there and call the place their ground. About six months ago, a raging brawl broke out. Barry was working that night and tried to calm things down before the cops arrived and got caught in the middle. He was struck in the face by a broken beer bottle, and had his cheek sliced open, from the top of his jaw diagonally down to his chin. The doctors say he was very lucky not to have incurred any major nerve damage and the only evidence of his ordeal is a long, jagged scar that runs the length of his face. It is this scar that is the problem.

Before this fight, Barry was a very handsome man. Now, the scar makes him look like a thug. I can't stand looking at him and seeing that nasty, jagged reminder of that awful fight! Because the scar is on his face, he was well-compensated by the worker's compensation insurance; and his health insurance will pay for any plastic surgery to have it removed. I have told Barry my feelings on the matter - that I would like to see the scar taken care of - but Barry has refused to undergo reconstructive or laser surgery to have it removed. He says the scar adds "character" and that he has learned to live it with it. I am not sure that I can learn to live with it, Tazi. I have told Barry this, but he just shrugs me off; he says that it is his face, so it is his decision. Don't I have a say, Tazi? I am the one who has to look at him! I know that sounds mean, but this scar is very upsetting to me!

Signed,
Scarface's Girlfriend

Dear Scarface's Girlfriend:

What is it exactly that bothers you about this scar? Are you upset that it has marred Barry's once perfect face? Or is the scar a difficult reminder of the night your boyfriend could have been killed in a bar-fight? You need to be honest with yourself when answering this question, for Barry's sake and well as the sake of your relationship with him.

To answer your question as to whether or not you have a say in the matter of Barry's scar, my answer is "maybe" - it all depends on what you want to say. If the scar is upsetting to you because it reminds you of the violent attack your boyfriend suffered, you need to explain this to him. Barry should then try to work with you in getting past this emotional trauma; because I am certain the attack was no picnic for him, either. This bonding experience could bring back your closeness as a couple.

If the scar is upsetting you because you think it makes your boyfriend look ugly - which, from your signature, I am guessing is closer to the truth - you need to get over yourself. Any kind of surgery is painful and has risks; and facial surgery possesses risks all its own. The face has more than a dozen major sensory and motor nerves, and thousands of nerves that branch off of those nerves, making facial surgery a painful experience. Additionally, should any one of those many nerves be damaged during surgery, facial deformity could occur. Barry could be left with a drooping eyelid or a sagging jaw if a nerve is damaged. I am almost positive that these risks were explained to Barry during his recovery period, and are most likely the reasons for his decision to leave the scar as it is - not because he thinks it adds "character".

I think you may have to learn to live with Barry as he now is and remember that true beauty emanates from within. You say that you have been with Barry for "several years"; I'd like to think your feelings for him are based upon more than just his good looks.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Facial Scarring Is No Reason To Hang Your Head

Dear Tazi:

Several years ago I was in a fire. I escaped with my life but I suffered horrible burns, especially to my face. I now have a great deal of scarring and facial deformity that I have learned to live with, or so I thought.

My wife and I just got divorced, and I am working on starting a new life without her. I have moved to a new city and have started a new job (I worked for my ex-wife's family business, and it was just too weird to continue after the divorce). I know that I am not ready to start dating yet, but I would like to make some new friends. This is where the problem with my face starts.

I am not blind, Tazi. Luckily, the fire did not damage my eye-sight. I know how I look, and I know that my scars make people wince when they look at me and then turn away, embarrassed. I can't say I blame them - granted, I was never a George Clooney or a Brad Pitt, but now I have been known to frighten small children; and I want to know how I can tell people that it's okay to look me in the face, that I understand the human desire to stare in horrified fascination. I just don't want to put it so bluntly, because I don't want to offend anyone, especially when I am trying to make friends. Do you know how to put what I want to say into words, Tazi?

Signed,
Frank N. Stein

Dear Frank N. Stein:

Oh, I just caught onto that joke! Your self-deprecating humor caught me off-guard. [Ed. Note: Say the name Frank N. Stein really fast]. Your sense of humor is quite endearing, as is your sense of acceptance over your injuries.

You are correct in understanding that when people see someone who looks different there is an uncontrollable desire to stare. Be it a person of exceptional beauty or a person who has suffered a facial deformity, it is human nature to want to pause and examine that which we do not see every day. Your comment that you "have been known to scare small children" tells me that your scarring must be pretty bad, making me think that people who meet you for the first time are caught off guard and do not know how to act/react. They may be wondering how you managed to survive such damaging injuries but do not wish to pry into your personal life. I would not call this "horrified fascination" (though it might be for some, most people are sympathetic to injuries).

The next time you meet - or meet up - with someone who appears to be uncomfortable with your scars, try to put them at ease by simply stating the facts: that you were in a terrible fire, but managed to escape. You can joke that your injuries actually did more damage than can be seen - that before the fire you could have passed for George Clooney's twin brother. Humor generally puts people at ease, and shows the world that you are strong enough to take the questions and curious looks that people might send you way.

Once you have established yourself in your new job and new community, people will feel more at ease with you as they get to know you as a person, and not as a person who stands out in a crowd. Before too long, the friends you make will not even notice your scars because they will be seeing your inner beauty instead of your outer packaging.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Average Joe Wonders If His Perfect 10 Is For Real

Dear Tazi:

I can't decide if my girlfriend is with me because she loves me or because I spend a lot of money on her. On the one hand, she never wants to get physical with me; which makes me believe that she is with me for the money, but on the other hand she is devoutly religious - so it could just be her religious views that are keeping our relationship a chaste one. Here are the rest of the facts:

She is an absolute knock-out - tall and leggy, blonde hair, bright green eyes, and an amazing body; I am an average looking guy who is starting to lose his hair.

She is very popular, and loved by everybody; I am the kind of guy that thinks people like having him around, but my friends tell me that my personality can get really annoying and that I need to tone it down a notch.

She works an average job for average pay and hopes to one day be a stay-at-home Mom and a work-from-home professional; I make six-figures, enjoy my career, and could easily afford to have my wife stay at home.

We have only been together for six months, but she is the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with - which is why I lavish her with expensive gifts, like jewelry; car repairs; designer clothes; and other goodies. I would like to ask her to marry me, but I can't get past the idea that she is using me for my money and her religion as an excuse to keep me at arms length. I have thought of cutting back on the gifts, but them she might think I am angry with her or worse, losing interest in her. What do you think, Tazi? Could she really love me for me? Or am I just fooling myself?

Signed,
Average Joe

Dear Average Joe:

Before you jump to conclusions, examine the situation at hand. You say your girlfriend (can we give her a name?) is devoutly religious. Does "Lauren" (as I am going to call her) attend services regularly? Volunteer at her church? In essence, does she practice what she preaches - beyond remaining chaste? If the answer is yes, then I would say that she is indeed genuine and with you because she cares about you and can see a future with you. If however the only time she ever comes close to practicing her religious beliefs is when you make a move on her, the answer is probably one you do not want to hear.

There are many ways to express affection for a person without spending gobs of money on them. Cooking a homemade dinner, slipping a love note in her purse, surprising her by washing her car and topping off the gas tank are all free or low cost ways of showing a woman that you love and appreciate her. If there is something that she truly desires - such as a beautiful pair of birthstone earrings or a new dress to wear to church - you can purchase it as a gift for a special occasion. This way, the gift-giving will not be such a one-way street.

If you fear that Lauren will think you are upset with her if you slow down the flow of presents, you need to communicate to her that this is not the case. From the sound of your letter, you suffer from issues of self-worth - sometimes having too much, other times not enough - which could impede your ability to both express yourself and understand what others are telling you. The next time something is on your mind, talk to Lauren about it and honestly listen to how she answers. Sincerity cannot be faked, and you should be able to tell if she is being truthful with you, or simply telling you what you would like to hear. This should give you an idea about her true feelings for you, and tell you in which direction you should head - to the alter, or towards the exit.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Butterface" Wants To Feel Beautiful On the Outside, Too

Dear Tazi:

I know that I am not the prettiest woman around, but I heard some men talking about me (by name), saying that I have a "smokin' hot figure" and that it's too bad I have a "butterface". I wasn't sure what this meant, so I looked it up online. I was crushed to discover what it means.

I never thought of myself as ugly, but I suppose compared to women who are beauty salon beautiful with a face full of makeup I am rather plain. I can't see myself wasting money at a high priced hair salon, so I usually go to a franchise - it really doesn't matter which one, whatever is closest to where I am when my hair needs trimming. From there, I pull my hair back into a bun so it stays out of my face. I also do not like the idea of wearing makeup. I tried it once and it sat so heavy on my face I wanted to scratch at it with my fingernails.

I get very few dates, and I am starting to think that this "butterface" comment is the reason why. Are men really that shallow, or am I the shallow one for thinking that? Can you think of ways to improve my face without breaking my bank account?

Signed,
:-( Butterface

:-( Dear Butterface:

The men who were talking about you must have all looked like Justin Bieber, Robert Pattinson, and other teen heartthrobs to think that they were in a position to make such comments about you. Or did they look more like this:

This is my buddy, Toothless Mortie!

Personally, I think anyone who makes rude comments about another person's looks has some severe insecurities of their own. Remember the movie Shallow Hal? I personally thought Jack Black's inflated ego was ridiculously sad! I suggest you give this movie a glance for some laughs and an ego boost!

Not all men are shallow enough to judge a woman solely on her physical looks - just the men who are not worth a woman's time! My lady friend is slightly chubby, but I think she is all the more attractive for it! She offers more for me to cuddle!

Since you asked me for cost-effective tips on improving your appearance, I will offer some that will also improve the health of your skin. To start, you really should start seeing the same hairdresser each time you get your hair cut. By developing a relationship with a hairdresser, they will become familiar with your hair, its needs (is it dry, oily, brittle, course, thin, etc.) and will be able to make recommendations based upon your specific needs.Once a trust between the two of you is developed s/he will be able to work with you on creating a more flattering style. A bun flatters nobody.

Did the men say something like this?

A lot of women are uncomfortable wearing heavy makeup, and the beauty industry has listened. From tinted moisturizers to tinted lip balm there are an array of beauty products that offer your skin the moisturizing nutrients and SPF protection that your skin needs to stay healthy that will also give your face a healthy, polished look without weighing down your skin. Clear mascara will moisturize and protect your eyelashes and eyebrows, while accenting your eyes and taming eyebrows. Eyebrow waxing/shaping is also a cost-effective way to accent your natural beauty by making your eyes appear larger and giving your brows a clean-lined look.

In the end, no amount of makeup will create the beauty that matters most - the inner beauty inside you that shows through in how you treat others. Concentrate on being the kind of person you would like to be friends with and you will find that your social calendar has many more dates on it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.