Woman Needs To Swap Bad Manners For Good Ones

Dear Tazi:

I belong to a clothing swap group that takes place among friends.  Twice a year - Spring and Fall - we all clean out our closets and take the clothes (good, unstained condition only) to our hostess' house and have a fun afternoon of trying stuff on, offering opinions of what looks good on someone and what would look better on another, and swapping clothes that either don't fit; don't work with our changing style; or make us wonder what we were thinking when we bought it in the first place!  It is supposed to be an afternoon of good-natured fun, and we all look forward to attending.  But...(you knew there was one coming, right?).

One of the newer members of our group, "Jane", does not play by the rules which include being nice.  As soon as someone picks up a piece that Jane either brought or wants for herself the insults start.  For example, when I picked up an A-Line skirt that Jane had brought, she commented, "Are you sure you want to try that on?  It will accentuate your large hips."  That was one of the nicer comments Jane has made.  She insults color choices, style choices, fabric choices - you name it!  Last time, one of our group members left on the verge of tears when Jane commented that yellow made her look "jaundiced".  I know this sounds like an over-reaction, but the victim of Jane's barb was a survivor of liver cancer!  When this fact was mentioned to Jane, she just shrugged off her behavior and defended her comment.

This year's clothing swap is planned for the first weekend in December.  Instead of shopping at the malls, we will be shopping from each other's closets.  All of us are already dreading Jane's presence, and the friend who introduced her to the group feels just awful.  We would like to exclude Jane this year, but the problem is that she brings the most amazing clothes!  All of her stuff is designer label and hardly worn; some of it still has tags on it!  I know that we are acting greedy - a vice in and of itself - but nice clothes make the day more fun, too.  Can you offer any suggestions how to have our cake and eat it too?

Signed,
Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Rock and a Hard Place:

Is Jane by any chance a real-life Desperate Housewife?  You know, the kind of woman who is so bored with her existence that the only joy she gets out of life comes from the thrill she gets when putting down others?  Some people have such low self-esteem that they build it up by nitpicking at others.  Jane sounds like this type of person.

Rather than exclude Jane from your gathering - because I can see this is not the course of action you want to take - implement some new rules: constructive criticism is the only criticism allowed (such as "Jane, this blouse would look much better with your coloring!); criticism must wait until the item has been tried on and presented to the group; and rude comments will result in the loss of a clothing pick turn!

I suggest that the hostess make a poster-board sign detailing all of the rules of the clothing swap, so nobody says they did not know the rules.  This event is supposed to be fun, and rules can ensure that all play fair and nobody goes home in tears.  Which reminds me, Jane owes an apology to the woman she called jaundiced!

As for how you can have your cake and eat it too, it is very simple: Put cake on plate.  Now you have it.  Eat cake.  Now you have had your cake (for a time) and eaten it, too.  The trick is eating your cake and still having it, too.  That is a little more difficult.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #39 - Social Media Does Not Excuse Bad Manners Or Other Indiscresions

Dear  Readers,

This week, while perusing the social media sites, I have seen everything from a video of a man in his early twenties singing about how much he loves to smoke pot to a comment from a woman of similar age making threats against those who would “aggravate” her. A little deeper digging showed that each of these people seeks to work in positions of the public trust – police work and as a medical provider. Do you think either of them would stand a chance of getting a job in either field if this information showed up on a pre-employment media search? Do you think either of these people would be proud to hear that their mothers-in-law viewed this information? I can just see it now!

“My, Sparky, I am so proud of you! That chant about how much you love to smoke pot was truly inspiring! Now, about that inheritance I was planning on leaving you…”

“Griselda, with that temper you would make a wonderful match for my son! A mentally and emotionally abusive wife is exactly what he needs!”

Social Media does not make you special. Announcing through your Facebook or Twitter feed that you are in a bad mood so people should just lay-off or look out does not give you the right to address someone with a stream of expletives and then expect them to let it go without apology because, after all, you did warn them on Facebook! Singing about how much you love to smoke pot will not make you immune to drug laws; rather, it will probably expedite your prosecution for possession of a controlled substance! Being a member of any interactive society – in person or online – requires that certain protocols be observed. Among dogs and cats, a certain amount of ass-sniffing is required; among humans the expectations of basic courtesy and abidance of the law are the norm. While, judging by the populations of inmates vs. free citizens, most laws are still being followed, but the rule of common courtesy for all has fallen by the wayside.

Although I have not done any research into the actual topic, I am certain that most humans do not want their butts sniffed. So why would they act like a dog in other ways, barking to show people how tough they really aren’t? It is not the barking dog that you must fear, but the silent, snarling dog that bares its teeth. In a human sense, announcing that you are in a bad mood and telling people off with expletives does nothing but show the world that you are at best a tiny little person, incapable of socializing with others; at worst, mentally unstable. In the animal world, you would be judged a menace to society and “put to sleep”. What would happen in the human world? What would happen, indeed…?

More and more social media is becoming the yardstick by which a person is measured. Your LinkedIn profile is not the only online presence that potential employers can see; they find ways to access a person’s Facebook page, Twitter feed, and Instagram pages. You may sign a contract insisting that you will obey your employer’s drug-free office policy, but that picture of you smoking a joint speaks louder than your pledge to eschew illegal substances; if you call in sick to work on Monday, make sure that nobody has posted pictures of you partying like a rock star all weekend. Although we do not have much control over what other people post, we do have control over what we post – including the language we choose to use when posting.

Adulthood 101 teaches that this is a bad idea!

Potential employers are not the only ones watching what it posted to social media feeds. Friends, family, future business contacts, loved ones, and people we don’t even realize are watching can see what is posted to our social media sites. Is your site representing you as you would like to be seen? Did you inadvertently tell off your husband's favorite cousin with your blanket "Leave me the $%# alone" status update? Or worse, the sister-in-law you fought with last week?

The errors of youth are commonplace and practically universal, but there was a time before social media when these errors could be buried in the past. Now, with the ever-advancing means of social media, these follies are also being committed by people who are old enough to know better - and are being permanently preserved. Is this what you would like to leave for posterity? Think before you post...and remember your manners. Just because you are posting on a social media site is no excuse for acting like a putz.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Lack Of Thought Counts More Than The Thought Itself

Dear Tazi:

I have been deeply insulted by “Vera”, the Volunteer Coordinator at my local community center, and she refuses to apologize for her errant behavior. I know she reads your column – she prints it out and posts it for the senior citizens who do not have the Internet – so I know she will see this letter if you print it!

I am a busy woman. Just because I do not hold a job outside the home does not mean I have no commitments in my life. However, I believe that giving back is a way of showing thankfulness for one’s blessings; therefore, I volunteer one Saturday morning a month at the local community center. With my busy schedule, I sometimes forget which Saturday morning I have volunteered for and I miss my scheduled day. I feel bad about this, but it is the thought that counts, and I always offer to come in on another Saturday, should my schedule allow, but Vera never bothers to schedule me.

The last time I missed my scheduled appointment was because my hairdresser was able to schedule me into a cancellation slot. I needed to get my hair done for a big charity fundraiser that night, so I accepted the appointment without realizing that it was my day to volunteer at the community center. Vera called and left me a message calling me “undependable” and telling me that she would no longer be putting me on the volunteer schedule. Tazi, I have never been so insulted! I am involved in several charitable organizations as well as social groups that depend on me as much or more than the community center; to call me “undependable” it outright insulting and to essentially fire me for missing a few scheduled days is beyond the pale. I have never been so insulted and I want Vera to know just how wrong her behavior was.

I am hoping that you will print my letter so visitors to the community center can see it and will let Vera know that she not only owes me an apology, but also placement back on the volunteer schedule.

Signed,
Miss Generosity

Dear Miss Generosity:

My, you sound like an important person! Does the rest of the world know how important you are, or is this sense of importance all in your own mind? I am printing your letter because you – and others who think like you – need to realize that when you make a commitment to volunteer others are depending upon you to actually show up to honor your commitment!

You are correct in saying that it is the thought that counts, but in your case it is your lack of thought that counts more. Just thinking about showing up to volunteer does not make a difference in the world; you have to actually remember to show up and do your part in order to be “giving back”. Do you really think an appointment at the beauty salon was more important than honoring your commitment to volunteer at the community center? Honestly? I admire your commitment to attending a charity gala – you could have just as easily gone for a night on the town without donating to charity – but I do not think the charity you are supporting would support your decision to blow off a volunteer shift for the beauty parlor. Your attitude makes me want to barf. Excuse me while I go find Mommie’s new shoes.

I rule that Vera does not owe you an apology; I believe that it is you who owes Vera – and the visitors to the community center – the apology. There are three ways in which a person can give back to their community; they are through gifts of time, talents, and treasure. Since your time is obviously in short supply, perhaps you can find a way to donate from the other two.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Empty Nester Fears What Future With Rude Husband Will Bring

Dear Tazi:

My husband is a very rude person. He has been like this for almost our whole married life, and I sometimes wonder why I stay him until I remind myself of his good qualities – he is a wonderful parent and a good provider; and he is never rude to me, only to people outside of our family.

If we go out to a restaurant, the service is never good enough and “Harry” will be rude to the server, to the point where he has made several waitresses cry (this is why there are several restaurants at which he is no longer welcome). When watching a sporting event Harry cheers for the fouls; unsportsmanlike conduct; and injuries, claiming that for what the players are paid they should suffer injuries. I will no longer attend live sporting events with Harry because of this behavior.

There are few couples that Harry and I remain friends with because his rude behavior knows no bounds; Harry finds entertainment in the misery of others, especially those who he considers born under a lucky star. Having lived with this my whole marriage, you are probably wondering why I am only now complaining about it, right? The problem is our youngest is flying the nest and from now going forward it will be just Harry and me at home; with few friends to socialize with, no school events to attend, PTA meetings or other events that revolved around the children, I am afraid that Harry’s attitude is going to send me over the edge. I live in a pretty small town, so there are no museums to visit or other cultural events that would get me out of the house, and I haven’t worked in years – plus, since I do not need the income I would feel guilty if I were taking a paying job from someone who needed it. Do you have any suggestions on what to do with my time?

Signed,
Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester:

You say that Harry is “never” rude to you, only to people outside of your family. If this is true, why are you so afraid to be spending more time with him? Could it be that Harry has not been rude to you in the past because you had an escape outlet – your involvements in your children’s lives – should his attitude hit a little too close to home? Otherwise, why dread being alone with him now that the children are grown and on their own?

It appears to me that you have done what many a good parent has done – immersed yourself so deeply in your children’s lives that you left no room for interests of your own or interests as a couple. Your husband’s enjoyment of hurtful behavior could be his way of releasing his feelings of anger and neglect; if you spent your life paying more attention to the children than to him, I can see why resentment would build. Your husband could just be a jerk; but I will give him the benefit of the doubt, having never met him.

Now that your children are grown and moved out, why not try to rekindle the relationship between you and Harry. Let your husband know that, now that it’s just the two of you, you would like to explore new interests as a couple. I realize that your town is a small one, but there must be a library or other cultural centers that offer regular events. The two of you could join a book discussion club, a community gardening club, or do some volunteering at a local hospital or nursing home. If you miss having children in your life you could sign up through Big Brothers/Big Sisters to be a surrogate grandparent. If Harry is retired or has free time on the weekends, you could plan day trips to places of interest to the both of you. If Harry’s attitude does not improve with increased attention from you, try exploring new opportunities and interests on your own; it’s a great way to fight boredom and make new friends – ones that Harry cannot chase off since he will not be around to insult them.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Treat Chronic Lateness By Ignoring It - And Starting The Party Anyway

Dear Tazi:

I have a family member who is chronically late to every event, and thus makes everyone else wait for him (and his family, who are late with him). It does not matter what time the event is, he will be late for it. "Fred" will call ahead to say he is running a little bit late and to please not start without him, and he feels this courtesy call excuses his tardiness.

Recently, my family had dinner reservations for 12 people at an expensive restaurant. Fred and his family were once again over two hours late, even though we gave them an earlier start time (by two hours) in the hope that he might arrive on time. Because there were only eight of us and the reservation was for 12, the restaurant charged us a $50 cancelled reservation fee. I demanded that Fred pay this fee, but he refused because he was not there to eat dinner (which we went ahead and ate without him).

I am willing to eat the $50 charge for Fred's tardiness if he stops expecting the world to revolve around his timetable, and I have told him this, but he says I am being unreasonable. On this particular night his babysitter  (for his two youngest children, who were not coming to the dinner) cancelled and he had to line up a replacement before he could leave. Fred argues that if he cancelled I would have had to pay the $50 anyway. This is part of the problem. Fred always has a reasonable excuse for why he is so ridiculously late.

Am I being unreasonable in demanding that Fred arrive on time to events if he wants to partake in them? Am I being a jerk for starting the event without him?

Signed,
Tired Of Waiting

Dear Tired Of Waiting:

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to hold Fred to a set standard of decorum. You gave Fred a start time of two-hours earlier than you wanted him there and he still showed up two hours later than the actual start time - that would make him four hours late. Fred is being unreasonable in expecting people to hold a reservation for him for so long; he should have called to cancel and offered to pay the cancellation charge. This is how grown-ups act!

You are being unreasonable in trying to control Fred's behavior through manipulation, punishment, and deceit. You are being unreasonable in insisting that Fred "makes" you wait. Nobody can make you do something that you do not want. I suggest that in the future you tell Fred the true start time of any event, and let him know that courtesy call or not, you will be starting without him (and his family) if he is not there. Rude behavior such as Fred's can serve as its own punishment.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Butterface" Wants To Feel Beautiful On the Outside, Too

Dear Tazi:

I know that I am not the prettiest woman around, but I heard some men talking about me (by name), saying that I have a "smokin' hot figure" and that it's too bad I have a "butterface". I wasn't sure what this meant, so I looked it up online. I was crushed to discover what it means.

I never thought of myself as ugly, but I suppose compared to women who are beauty salon beautiful with a face full of makeup I am rather plain. I can't see myself wasting money at a high priced hair salon, so I usually go to a franchise - it really doesn't matter which one, whatever is closest to where I am when my hair needs trimming. From there, I pull my hair back into a bun so it stays out of my face. I also do not like the idea of wearing makeup. I tried it once and it sat so heavy on my face I wanted to scratch at it with my fingernails.

I get very few dates, and I am starting to think that this "butterface" comment is the reason why. Are men really that shallow, or am I the shallow one for thinking that? Can you think of ways to improve my face without breaking my bank account?

Signed,
:-( Butterface

:-( Dear Butterface:

The men who were talking about you must have all looked like Justin Bieber, Robert Pattinson, and other teen heartthrobs to think that they were in a position to make such comments about you. Or did they look more like this:

This is my buddy, Toothless Mortie!

Personally, I think anyone who makes rude comments about another person's looks has some severe insecurities of their own. Remember the movie Shallow Hal? I personally thought Jack Black's inflated ego was ridiculously sad! I suggest you give this movie a glance for some laughs and an ego boost!

Not all men are shallow enough to judge a woman solely on her physical looks - just the men who are not worth a woman's time! My lady friend is slightly chubby, but I think she is all the more attractive for it! She offers more for me to cuddle!

Since you asked me for cost-effective tips on improving your appearance, I will offer some that will also improve the health of your skin. To start, you really should start seeing the same hairdresser each time you get your hair cut. By developing a relationship with a hairdresser, they will become familiar with your hair, its needs (is it dry, oily, brittle, course, thin, etc.) and will be able to make recommendations based upon your specific needs.Once a trust between the two of you is developed s/he will be able to work with you on creating a more flattering style. A bun flatters nobody.

Did the men say something like this?

A lot of women are uncomfortable wearing heavy makeup, and the beauty industry has listened. From tinted moisturizers to tinted lip balm there are an array of beauty products that offer your skin the moisturizing nutrients and SPF protection that your skin needs to stay healthy that will also give your face a healthy, polished look without weighing down your skin. Clear mascara will moisturize and protect your eyelashes and eyebrows, while accenting your eyes and taming eyebrows. Eyebrow waxing/shaping is also a cost-effective way to accent your natural beauty by making your eyes appear larger and giving your brows a clean-lined look.

In the end, no amount of makeup will create the beauty that matters most - the inner beauty inside you that shows through in how you treat others. Concentrate on being the kind of person you would like to be friends with and you will find that your social calendar has many more dates on it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Children Guided Into Adulthood Will Grow Up Just Fine

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I married young and have always wanted a large family, so we have never bothered with birth control. The result of this decision is our having been blessed with six children in seven years. Although we do not want as many children as The Duggars we are excited to be expecting our seventh child this summer. We have the financial means to raise our children, and feel that the number of children we choose to have is nobody's business but our own.

How many and counting now?

By now, I am used to the crude comments from strangers and acquaintances and have learned to ignore them; however, I overheard my sister-in-law saying something to my brother that has me both angry and concerned. I am afraid that there is a downside to having such a large family that we may never have considered.

"Cheryl" told my brother that he and I should really start to consider limiting the size of our family  and that we may already have too many children. She commented that "having children in litters increases the chances of raising delinquents". Tazi, at first I was livid that Cheryl would compare me and my family to animals, and angry that she would assume that our children would grow up to be delinquent, but then I got to thinking about the large families I knew growing up. Over half of them have children that never quite made the grade in life, and many of these people were troublemakers as teenagers and have become failures as adults. Do you think I am doomed to raise failures simply because I have had too many children?

Signed,
Mom of Six...And Counting

Dear Mom of Six...And Counting:

What I think is that your sister-in-law needs to keep her uneducated and prejudicial opinions to herself! I have searched, and there is not a shred of scientific evidence that shows children from large families are doomed to delinquency and failure. What I did find was strong evidence supporting the fact that parents who are involved in their children's lives, who hold their children accountable for their actions, who praise children for accomplishments, punish bad behavior, and seek outside help for the ones who struggle with academic or emotional difficulties end up raising successful, well-adjusted adults, regardless of how many children they had.

I would like you to take a second walk down memory lane and refocus on the types of family structure that the large families you knew had. Were the children raised to be well-mannered or was bad behavior excused or ignored? Did the parents use the excuse that they were too tired to offer each child individualized attention? Were the children taught to work through their problems, share their belongings, and develop close bonds with each other? Did one family have a problem with alcohol abuse or violence in the home, while another did not? The answers to these questions may shed some light on why some of these children grew up to be successful adults while others did not.

It is my opinion that as long as you and your husband have the emotional means to care for your many children (as well as the financial means) you should not worry about your children developing into delinquents in spite of your efforts to raise them otherwise. Your husband should have told his sister to put a sock in it!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Racism Occurs In Many Ways, All Are Rooted In Ignorance

Dear Tazi:

I am a teenage girl of mixed heritage. My mother is white and my father is Latino. I grew up bilingual, and speak Spanish as well as I speak English, even though I rarely speak Spanish outside the home. I am very light skinned, and do not look much like my father at all, but it never occurred to me that people did not know that I am biracial. My last name gives no clues because it has been Americanized.

I started high school in September, and all students must take Spanish as a part of the curriculum. I am excelling in the subject, even though there are many differences between the Spanish being taught and the Spanish that I speak at home. We are learning "mainland Spanish" and I speak "Latin American Spanish", and I do not consider the two the same language - I guess it is kind of like American English and British English.

My school has parent-teacher conferences at different parts of the school year, and my Mom usually goes to these because my Dad is working. This past time, though, my Dad and Mom went together to the conference and my teachers all saw that my father is of a different race than my mother. Most of my teachers thought nothing of it, but some of them are making a big deal out of it, assuming things that are not true, like the idea that I had to overcome a disadvantaged background or that English is not my native language, and have been treating me differently. My Spanish teacher even made the comment that she now knows why I am picking up on Spanish so easily.

Tazi, I was born into a hard-working middle class family. I have not had to overcome poverty and I work hard to earn all of my good grades - even the ones I get in Spanish class! I am not sure how to respond when my teachers give me a pitying look or make a comment about how I have come so far in life. They obviously know nothing about my life! I have been taught to respect my elders, especially teachers, but this is getting hard to do when they are acting estupido! How do you suggest I deal with this, Tazi? My friends tell me to just roll my eyes and walk away, but that seems rude.

Signed,
Alicia in Atlanta

Dear Alicia in Atlanta:

My last trip to Atlanta was several years ago (I stowed away in Mommie's luggage), but while there I recall hearing that the Latino community is the largest growing community in Greater Atlanta. this would make sense because it is also the largest growing demographic in the United States. Sadly, in Atlanta as it is in many areas, many of these Latinos were on the lower economic rungs of society in spite of their tremendous work ethic. If this is still the case, I can see why your teachers would make false assumptions about your background. It isn't right - not by a long shot - but it is human nature. Everybody loves a success story!

The next time a teacher makes a comment or gives a look alluding to the idea that, like Steve Martin in The Jerk, you overcame humble beginnings to reach greatness, offer a smile and a head shake to let them know that they are on the wrong track. If more is needed, explain what you have said here: that you were born into a middle-class family and have been fortunate not to experience struggles harder than fifth period Algebra (or whichever class gives you the most trouble). In the especial case of your Spanish teacher, should she say something again politely respond that you have grown up speaking a dialect, and that there are many differences between the Spanish you know and the Spanish you are learning. You might want to add that hard work on the part of both of you has resulted in good grades, but do so in private lest your classmates think you are a besador de tope!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Mi mama me está enseñando a español! ¿Cómo suena?

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Overbearing Conversationalist" Needs To Learn How To Take Turns Talking

Dear Tazi:

I have a good friend who is a very dear woman, but has one major flaw that drives people away from her: she is an incessant talker who always manages to turn the conversation back to her. She was recently bemoaning her lack of friends - right after I mentioned I was getting together for lunch with some ladies we both know - so I felt obligated to bring "Pam" along with me.

When we arrived at the restaurant, one of my friends was on crutches. She had been in a car accident a few weeks prior and had done some muscle damage. Pam immediately expressed concern for the woman, but as soon as she said the words "car accident" Pam hijacked the conversation to talk about a car accident she had been in 12 years ago and how she still feels pain when the weather is bad. When the conversation turned to a different subject, Pam again took it over and made it all about her.

Just when a member of our party was ready to tell Pam off, our friend on crutches needed to use the ladies room and Pam offered to assist her by carrying the woman's purse, which showed the side of Pam that I adore - selfless and giving. At the end of lunch, Pam thanked us all for having her and even paid our bar tab as her way of showing her gratitude.

Since that day, Pam has been trying to "friend" these other women on Facebook and make plans to get together in person. Although my friends have accepted her friend requests, they are reluctant to spend time with her in person because she is such an "overbearing conversationalist", as one of my group politely put it. I would hate to see Pam excluded from our group get-togethers, because she is desperately in search of more friends, but at the same time I do not want to hurt her by telling her point-blank why the others seek to exclude her. Short of sneaking out behind Pam's back is there any way I can find a comfortable solution that would please everyone and hurt no one?

Signed,
Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

My first thought was that Pam might have been trying to fit in with your group when she prattled on, but then I remembered that she is acquainted with the other women, as well. Since she regularly monopolizes the conversation, I doubt it is just nerves that prompt such rudeness, so I am going to guess that Pam does not realize what she is doing. In her attempt to empathize with others she is steamrolling over them.

Although it will not be easy to tell Pam about her conversational flaws, it can be done in a gentle manner that will spare her feelings. The next time Pam hijacks the conversation, hold up your hand in a "stop" motion and gently mention that you need to say something. Then, tell Pam that she may not realize it, but cutting people off mid sentence or mid-thought is considered by many to be rude, and may be the reason she has such difficulty cultivating the friendships she seeks. Let her know that you enjoy listening to her, but that it comes at the expense of losing your turn in a two-way conversation.

Pam will most likely be flustered at this point, so try your best to comfort her, letting her know that you enjoy her company just the same and that she is a sweet and loving person, but that she needs to be aware of how she treats others in conversation. If she seeks to improve upon this problem, offer to help her through regular conversations. If, on the other hand, Pam is offended, reveal to her that you only have her best interests at heart. Since Pam has few friends to begin with and is seeking more, I doubt she will write you off her list.

Once Pam has shown that she is making a conscious effort to be considerate of those she is conversing with, speak to your luncheon group about giving Pam a second chance, mentioning that she is aware of her tendency to be an "overbearing conversationalist" and is working on changing. If they refuse to offer a second chance, perhaps you should give a second glance to the type of people you have befriended.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An iPhone Camera And An Instagram Account Does Not A Professional Photographer Make

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who has a bad habit of posting every picture she takes to Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram.  I would not mind if she only posted every now and again, but she is constantly taking pictures and posting them, and then mass emailing to let everyone she knows know that she has posted more pictures to her account pages, and demanding that we check out and "like" her pictures.

"Abby" thinks that with enough  "likes" she will eventually be able to launch her own business as a professional photographer - freelance or for a large newspaper.  This is in complete disregard for the fact that she has no professional training or equipment; she uses her iPhone to take and upload pictures.  I have tried to explain to her that professional photographers - like all professionals in a field - have learned their craft through years of study  and training; that you need to know things like lighting, angles, lenses, shutter speeds, and a whole bunch of other stuff before you can be a professional photographer.  Abby, however, will not listen and has accused me of being jealous of her dream.

Tazi, I have a very fulfilling career that allows me to express my creativity while bringing home a sizable paycheck.  I graduated one of the top art schools in the country, and have the student loans to prove it.  I have several friends that I met while in school who are working as professional photographers, and I think that Abby's attitude is insulting to the hard work and sacrifices that they have made in order to work in their field.  I have reached the point where I am sick and tired of Abby's incessant demands to "like" her mundane photos.  I would like to remove myself as a friend/contact from her social media accounts, but then I would have to explain to her why I did it.  You seem pretty good at giving advice, kitty; got any for me?

Signed,
Becoming Photo-Phobic

Dear Becoming Photo-Phobic:

I can completely understand your point of view.  When Mommie first helped me to start this column, she had a few acquaintances who said that it sounded like fun and that they should start an advice blog, too!  These people had no writing skills, no background in Psychology, Communications, Cultural Anthropology, or any education even remotely connected to human behavior.  Mommie advised me to keep my temper and not do my scratchy-bitey thing, that some humans don't realize how foolish they sound sometimes.  I now give you the same advice.

As difficult as it is to ignore Abby, try for the sake of your friendship.  Ignore the pleading emails; don't bother to "like" her photos unless you actually do like them; and turn a deaf ear to her when she starts vocalizing her dream of becoming a professional photographer without any education, training, or equipment.  Eventually, she will see that her dream is actually fantasy (which is a dream that has no hope of coming true without some major planning and effort) and either move on to something new or make the investments required to reach her goal.

As much as you would like to delete Abby from your social media contacts, this is probably not a good idea.  As sensitive as Abby sounds, this may cause irreparable damage to your friendship.  Simply limit the number of updates allowed from Abby or ignore them altogether.  If she asks why you are not commenting on  her work, tell her that you are very busy with your own (paying) work and have little time to peruse all of her photographs; encourage her to cut down on quantity and go for quality - you will be doing her (and those who view her stuff) a big favor.  Last of all, remember that nobody can take advantage of your time unless you let them.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  This video came to my attention just before this article was set to publish.  I hope it gives you a laugh!  [Ed. Note: Email subscribers, please click here to see video].

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Brother-In-Law Is A Hard Pill To Swallow

Dear Tazi:

My brother-in-law is one of those people who thinks they know everything and has no qualms about expressing their opinion whenever they feel like it. There is no such thing as a private conversation when you are around "Bill" because he butts into every conversation he happens to overhear, and excuses his behavior by suggesting that those who want privacy discuss matters elsewhere. Tazi, I am not talking about coffee-shop conversations (although he buts in plenty there, too, and always with his uneducated opinions); I am talking about private conversations taking place away from others.

My wife "Ellie" - who is technically of no relation to Bill (Bill is my sister's husband) - was recently diagnosed with cancer. She is handling the diagnosis quite well, all things considered, and was discussing her prognosis (which is very good) with my mother after Easter dinner, while the two of them were in the kitchen doing the dishes. Bill happened to be passing by on his way to the bathroom when he overheard the conversation, and felt the need to share his "uneducated medical opinion"; which included telling my wife that chemotherapy is a waste of time, that it only makes you sicker, and is a scam doctors pull to keep you coming back for treatment. He then went into a long spiel about how a special diet high in antioxidants could cure her cancer "the natural way, the way God intended". Things went downhill from there, with Bill cornering Ellie for almost half an hour and not allowing her to get a word in, edgewise. My mother has always been on the meek side, so she had no idea how to tell Bill to stop. I had been outside with the children during this time, preparing for our annual egg hunt; otherwise, I would have come to my wife's side.

Ellie was very upset by Bill's verbal attack, but managed to pull herself together for the remainder of the day; I, on the other hand, was livid and would have told Bill off if it were not such a special day for my family. This is not the first time Bill has pulled such inappropriate behavior, but I would like it to be the last. I am considering writing a letter to Bill and my sister to let them know how angry I am over his treatment of my wife; but Ellie says to just let it go - that Bill is never going to change and to rock the boat would only damage family relations. I wish I could be so forgiving, Tazi, but someone has to stand up to Bill and I would like the satisfaction of being the one to put this guy in his place.

Ellie and I have agreed to abide by your opinion, Tazi. Do you think I should write that letter to Bill?

Signed,
Itchy Trigger Finger

Dear Itchy Trigger Finger:

Your brother-in-law sounds like a real jerk. The sad part is, he probably thinks he is a likable guy and is doing people a favor by sharing his opinions and "uneducated medical" advice with them. Because of this, any attempt to correct him will fail miserably and, as your wife said, damage family relations. I am going to suggest you write that letter to Bill anyway. Just don't send it.

When we take the time to vent our feelings in a letter, we also pour out the negative emotions that are pent up inside of us. Just the act of writing a letter to Bill, telling him off in ways you have so far only dreamed of, will lift the burden of anger that is weighing on you. I fully understand your desire to tell Bill where to go, and I believe this desire sprouts from the instinct you feel to protect your wife, especially now that she is ill. I suggest you indulge that desire by protecting her in ways that she actually needs protecting, like being there for her emotionally and allowing her to break down when she needs to let go; and making yourself available to her when she needs assistance around the house. The purpose of this is several-fold: not only will you be "protecting" your wife and fulfilling your role as a supportive spouse, but you will be quietly showing Bill (and others who may be watching) the correct way to be helpful when someone is going through illness.

In time, your wife will recover - in spite of Bill's dire (but uneducated) prognosis, and he will be the one with egg on his face, instead of in his Easter basket. As much as I feel for you and your wife, the person I feel for the most is your sister - after all, she is the one stuck living with Bill.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.