"Overbearing Conversationalist" Needs To Learn How To Take Turns Talking

Dear Tazi:

I have a good friend who is a very dear woman, but has one major flaw that drives people away from her: she is an incessant talker who always manages to turn the conversation back to her. She was recently bemoaning her lack of friends - right after I mentioned I was getting together for lunch with some ladies we both know - so I felt obligated to bring "Pam" along with me.

When we arrived at the restaurant, one of my friends was on crutches. She had been in a car accident a few weeks prior and had done some muscle damage. Pam immediately expressed concern for the woman, but as soon as she said the words "car accident" Pam hijacked the conversation to talk about a car accident she had been in 12 years ago and how she still feels pain when the weather is bad. When the conversation turned to a different subject, Pam again took it over and made it all about her.

Just when a member of our party was ready to tell Pam off, our friend on crutches needed to use the ladies room and Pam offered to assist her by carrying the woman's purse, which showed the side of Pam that I adore - selfless and giving. At the end of lunch, Pam thanked us all for having her and even paid our bar tab as her way of showing her gratitude.

Since that day, Pam has been trying to "friend" these other women on Facebook and make plans to get together in person. Although my friends have accepted her friend requests, they are reluctant to spend time with her in person because she is such an "overbearing conversationalist", as one of my group politely put it. I would hate to see Pam excluded from our group get-togethers, because she is desperately in search of more friends, but at the same time I do not want to hurt her by telling her point-blank why the others seek to exclude her. Short of sneaking out behind Pam's back is there any way I can find a comfortable solution that would please everyone and hurt no one?

Signed,
Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

My first thought was that Pam might have been trying to fit in with your group when she prattled on, but then I remembered that she is acquainted with the other women, as well. Since she regularly monopolizes the conversation, I doubt it is just nerves that prompt such rudeness, so I am going to guess that Pam does not realize what she is doing. In her attempt to empathize with others she is steamrolling over them.

Although it will not be easy to tell Pam about her conversational flaws, it can be done in a gentle manner that will spare her feelings. The next time Pam hijacks the conversation, hold up your hand in a "stop" motion and gently mention that you need to say something. Then, tell Pam that she may not realize it, but cutting people off mid sentence or mid-thought is considered by many to be rude, and may be the reason she has such difficulty cultivating the friendships she seeks. Let her know that you enjoy listening to her, but that it comes at the expense of losing your turn in a two-way conversation.

Pam will most likely be flustered at this point, so try your best to comfort her, letting her know that you enjoy her company just the same and that she is a sweet and loving person, but that she needs to be aware of how she treats others in conversation. If she seeks to improve upon this problem, offer to help her through regular conversations. If, on the other hand, Pam is offended, reveal to her that you only have her best interests at heart. Since Pam has few friends to begin with and is seeking more, I doubt she will write you off her list.

Once Pam has shown that she is making a conscious effort to be considerate of those she is conversing with, speak to your luncheon group about giving Pam a second chance, mentioning that she is aware of her tendency to be an "overbearing conversationalist" and is working on changing. If they refuse to offer a second chance, perhaps you should give a second glance to the type of people you have befriended.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Listener Wants To Be Better Conversationalist

Dear Tazi:

Am I a terrible person? I have an inability to express interest in the lives and doings of others if they do not somehow concern me. For example, right now, my best friend is going through a prolonged illness that will require her to have extensive surgery. When we got together for coffee last week all she talked about was how terrible she has been feeling and how she is hoping the surgery will correct her problems; all I heard was “blah blah blah, me me me…”. I realize that other people’s medical problems are not something most people want to hear about, but I feel like I could have been a more supportive friend. Instead, I just zoned out on her.

I wish I could say that the only time I zone out on people is during discussions about other people’s medical issues, but I don’t. I zone out all the time – in church while the preacher is preaching, at dinner while my husband and kids are talking about their day, with my Mom when I am on the phone with her. I am starting to feel very self-absorbed. I have tried to be a better listener, but all the while I am thinking about what I want to say and wondering when it will be my turn to talk. Is there any help for me? Can you suggest some ideas on how I can become a better listener, and thus a better part of the conversation?

Signed,

Feeling Self-Absorbed

Dear Feeling Self-Absorbed:

Recognizing your problem is half the battle. There are many people like you who do not realize that their behavior is a problem (I will have a letter detailing the other side of the story tomorrow). Once you recognize that your behavior is an issue, you can work on solving the problem.

You say that when your best friend was talking about her very real concerns all you heard was “blah blah blah, me me me”. This is a very self-centered thing to say! Admittedly, few people want to hear the gory details of someone else’s health issues, but you could have focused less on the details and more on your friend’s emotional state. One good thing about listening is that it allows the listener to steer the conversation towards a topic that they would prefer to hear. When your friend commented that she was hoping her surgery would cure her ills, you could have asked her what she is looking forward to doing once she is cured. This would have directed the conversation to happier topics that might have been of mutual interest (travel, sports, hobbies, etc). A conversation is a two-way process that requires all to take both an active and resting (not restive) part in it.

Cats aren't the only ones who are bad listeners!

You mention that while others are talking all you can do is think about what you want to say. I suggest that you practice being a good conversationalist by having a conversation with yourself. Record yourself speaking, and then play it back to listen to how you sound. Are you bored with yourself? Do you find what you are saying detailed and interesting? Do you pause to allow someone else to add their thoughts? In short, are you the type of person to who others want to listen? Once you discover how you sound to others, you might be more willing to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.

Play back your recording a second time, this time pausing the recording to add comments or questions, as if you are merely an interested listener and not the person speaking. Does your recorded conversation allow for that? Good speakers can create good listeners. If what you have to say is interesting to them, people will want to listen to you and ask further questions of you; they may also start to mimic you, following your cues and allowing for comments and questions and asking questions of you when they speak to keep the conversation going back and forth.

If you find that your problem is that you lack empathy for others rather than good listening skills and a reasonable attention span, professional counseling may help you get to the root of your issues. I can understand not wanting to hear all the boring details (as my Mommie’s Grandpa Eddie used to say, “I asked you for the time, not how to build a clock”), but you should at least have an interest in the goings-on of your family members.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.