Cancer Patient Wonders Why Friends Won't Help With "Bucket List"

Dear Tazi:

I have terminal lymphoma, which is cancer of the lymph system. My doctors have given me six months to live, which is something I have accepted. In fact, I consider myself lucky that the cancer I have is not one that will leave me in pain and debilitation. I have refused chemotherapy, which would extend my life by only a few months but rob me of my quality of life. I am at peace with my decision, and ready to do as the Tim McGraw song suggests and live like I was dying. I am receiving SSDI benefits, so I no longer work and have time to spend with my college-aged children. Death must come to us all; and I feel blessed to have such an easy sentence. My only problem is, none of my friends or family seem to have the time for me to do the things I want to do with them.

Every time I suggest we do something that I have always wanted to do - like go rafting, like in the movie Deliverance or try skydiving, they are always too busy. I always offer to pay their way, so it is not a matter of money; I cannot understand why they would turn down the opportunity for adventure with a friend. Short of reminding them that my time is short, how can I change their minds? I don't want to spend the last of my days sitting around waiting for death.

Signed,
Still Living

Dear Still Living:

You may be "still living" but it appears that you no longer have a life. Unlike you, your friends still have to go to work every day, care for their children, and maintain their homes; making their free time a precious commodity. While it is admirable that you are willing to cover the financial cost of the rather pricey activities you wish to try, more than money is involved. A Deliverance style canoe-trip involves a great deal of planning and covers an entire weekend, which is time many wish to spend with their children; plus it can be physically grueling. Even if others are up to the challenge - and they may not be - they may be concerned that that you are not. Others have a fear of heights or falling, and think it crazy to voluntarily jump out of a perfectly good plane.

Rather than trying to plan grand events with your friends, try for smaller events: a night out on the town or a field day in the park. For larger events, a travel agency can hook you up with a touring group that is participating in the things you want to try - like skydiving or canoeing down the Coosawattee. If you seek to make memories with those you love in order to preserve their memories of you, volunteering (alone or as a group) for Habitat for Humanity is a wonderful way to help others and leave a lasting legacy in your community, as is holding a clothing drive for a local charitable organization. Like the Tim McGraw song suggests in addition to grand activities, you can love deeper, speak sweeter, and give forgiveness that you've been denying.

I wish you a peaceful journey.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Second Generation Friendship Will Take Time To Develop

Dear Tazi:

There is a woman I know ho I have been friends with since childhood. We both have young children (under the age of 2 and still in diapers) and "Rowena" constantly talks about the future they will have together. She will say things like "when the children become Brownies and then Girl Scouts together" or "when the girls take swim lessons together at the YMCA".

Tazi, right now our girls socialize together because they have no choice but to accept each others company. They get along well, but they are still babies! Neither child has reached an age where she is asserting her independence or preferences for certain friends. I would love for my daughter and my best friend's daughter to grow up as close best friends, but I am not going to force this on her. Neither will I push her to join Girl Scouts or to take swimming lessons at the Y. I will encourage her to try new and different things and of course allow her to join Scouts if she truly wants to, but I believe in letting a child develop at their own natural pace. When I was a kid I was forced to play a sport I hated and I swore I would never do this to my own child.

I have tried to politely tell Rowena that time will tell what kind of activities our girls will enjoy, but she just pouts and tells me that I am "sucking all thE fun out of motherhood", which raises other concerns in my mind. Can you think of a way to let Rowena know that I am not interested in planning my daughter's social calendar for five years down the road? And how should I respond to her accusation that I am "sucking the fun out of motherhood"?   If controlling her child's every step is what Rowena considers "fun", I fear for the future of her daughter - and my own.

Signed,
Enjoying Motherhood...One Day At A Time

Dear Enjoying Motherhood...One Day At ATime:

It appears to me that you and Rowena have very different parenting styles. Please do not allow this to affect your lifelong friendship. People change throughout their lives, and parenthood is one more change your friendship can weather. It is quite obvious that your relationship with Rowena means a great deal to her, and that she would like for it to continue through the second generation (and maybe even beyond). You need to ask why this is so important to Rowena.

Rowena sounds like she is lonely, and having a difficult time adjusting to motherhood. Her only fun in raising her daughter is to plan her future down to the last detail? Why is she unable to enjoy her daughter in the here and now? Could Rowena be suffering from depression, postpartum or otherwise? Considering the length of your friendship, this should not be an uncomfortable topic to broach with Rowena; the next time she starts talking about the future, suggest that you both concentrate on enjoying the here and now, and gently probe to see if there are reasons Rowena is having trouble doing that. Reassure Rowena that her friendship is very important to you, and that you cannot imagine a time that you will not be there for each other.

If Rowena keeps insisting on making far-flung future plans, just smile and remind her that you look forward to what the future brings, but prefer to enjoy living in the present, and that before signing your daughter up for any activities you would like the child's personal input on the matter - which she will be unable to give until she starts talking; then, turn the conversation back to whatever it is the children are enjoying at present.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Average" Person Doesn't Know How Special She Really Is!

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am an average person. I have an average income for someone my age, I am average looking, I live in an average neighborhood, drive an average car...I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture: I am boring. My best friend "Kate" is the exact opposite of me. Kate is fascinating. She is the woman that every person wants as their best friend - why she picked me, I have no idea. Kate is the woman who always looks completely put-together from the moment she rolls out of bed; I am the woman who looks like she could use a makeover. Kate is the woman who leads a charmed life; I am the woman who struggles to accomplish mediocrity.

Kate gets straight A's in school with what appears to be minimal effort. She is organized and disciplined without being a total geek; she has her choice of guys to date, but says she does not have time for a serious commitment, and does not wish to involve herself in a casual relationship. In other words, she is single by choice. Kate is the leader of every cool committee or club in school, and she manages to delegate responsibility so well that people actually want to do the work for her - she never has to beg people or do more than her share of work because it did not get done by those who fell through on their word. Every promise people make to Kate is honored.

The other day, Kate confided in me that she is feeling "rather blue"; that her life is not what she would like it to be and that she feels like she cannot be herself any more - like she has to be the person people have come to think she is at all times. Quite honestly, I was shocked because she makes it look so easy; and even though I hate to admit it, I was glad that Kate is unhappy. I mean, why should one person get to hog all the happiness? I realize this makes me a horrible friend, and I would like to somehow get over these feelings. I have no money for counseling, and would feel weird talking to a total stranger. A cat on the other hand...well, talking to a cat feels right. Can you offer me any words of advice, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Average Jo

Dear Average Jo:

As a cat, I can understand why you would be jealous of your friend Kate because many people are jealous of me and the life that I lead. Because I am a house-cat, people assume that my life is all naps, treat, soft blankets, more naps, and play-time; but I do have some very serious responsibilities! I keep the backyard rodent population under control, guard my Mommie while she sleeps, and tolerate all of the hugs and snuggles household visitors seek of me. On top of all this, there are times when I would actually like some affection but everyone is too busy to give me some! Has it occurred to you that maybe this is how your friend Kate is feeling? That she is so busy being all that people expect of her that she does not have time to just let it all hang out?

It's not all spa days and catnip toys, you know!

As for Kate's looks, as beautiful as I think my Mommie is, I have learned that no woman "rolls out of bed" looking completely put-together. Your friend Kate is no exception to this, and I am certain she has bad hair days just like everyone else - she has just learned to hide them better, and that could very well be the crux of Kate's blue mood. When we hide our true feelings, negativity builds up inside of us - just as it has been building up inside of you!

You may want to find some time to spend with Kate, just the two of you. Go grab a coffee or lunch, and be honest with her as you have been with me. Tell her you are feeling jealous of how amazing she is, and how average you feel you are. I am sure that in Kate's eyes, you are anything but average - after all, you are her best friend, and that means you are someone very special in her eyes. Take the time to find out who the real Kate is - the woman behind the perfect image. You may discover that she has been so busy pretending to be herself that she no longer knows who she truly is. Often times, the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence, but that is because the cesspool lies directly beneath it.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Loss Of Lifelong Best Friend Makes Woman Question Mourners Motives

Dear Tazi:

A friend of mine recently passed away and I am grieving her deeply. My problem is that her children, who are also grieving her, seek to lean on me in their grief so that we can "mourn together". "Josephine" was my oldest, dearest friend and as a sister to me. We were each other's honor maid/matron in our wedding parties and never did a week go by without one of us calling the other or visiting - if only for a few minutes. Our friendship spanned over 50 years and her unexpected passing feels all too untimely to me.

Josephine's children are all grown with families of their own, and over the last ten years or so they had drifted away from their mother, as children will do once they have lives of their own. Because of busy schedules - theirs and their children's - Josephine's children rarely came to see her; it was she who made the effort to attend her grandchildren's soccer games, ballet recitals, and band concerts. Josephine hosted every holiday celebration, partly out of tradition and partly because her daughters/daughters-in-law would insist on limiting the guest list so as not to have to cook a huge feast for 20 - 30 people. Josephine's table was open to all who wished to celebrate with her - family and friends.

I cannot help but feel upset and a little angry that her children - who did not appreciate their mother enough to make time for her when she was alive - suddenly want to put on a huge show of love now that she is gone. One of Josephine's daughters even asked me if I could "help" her put together a big family Christmas like her mother always did, in memory of her mother, claiming she didn't have the first clue of where to start! One of Josephine's sons has told me that I am the closest link he has to his mother, and could I please consider sitting in her place at his daughter's ballet recital next month. I have never been asked to attend one before, and I have a feeling that neither parent will be attending; that they are looking for a free babysitter.

Can you think of any way that I can push Josephine's children back a step or two to allow me to grieve my loss in peace? I understand that they are grieving, too, but I fear it is for all the wrong reasons.

Signed,
At A Loss In More Ways Than One

Dear At A Loss In More Ways than One:

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your best friend. Such a long-lived and close friendship is a gift that you obviously treasured and do not wish to see tainted by the advance of the fair-weather friends that remain. You do not mention how close Josephine's children were to you when they were younger; just that they moved on with their lives and from their mother as they got older. I do not doubt they are mourning the loss of their dear mother; are you certain that they seek to use you to take over the responsibilities she once handled? Is it possible that you are misreading their intentions? Could it be that in their guilt over neglecting their late mother they are reaching out to the one who was most connected to her?

Beautiful, but a lot of work - especially for a working Mom!

I would suggest that right now you strike a balance between giving Josephine's children the benefit of the doubt and maintaining the distance you need to comfortably mourn your loss. If you are not at ease with the idea of helping to plan a big holiday dinner with Josephine's children, tell them that. I am sure you have family of your own to attend to during this time. Might you invite Josephine's children and grandchildren over for coffee and dessert after their Christmas dinner? With regard to attending a child's ballet recital, how close are you to this particular child? Would seeing you there in the audience bring her a swell of happiness or would you simply be another face in the crowd? Each of these requests needs to be taken on an individual basis, and carefully considered. If it is something you feel would help to ease your pain and/or strengthen existing ties, go for it. If not, you are well within your rights to politely decline all offers.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Your Best Friend Is Also A Bad Friend

Dear Tazi:

Every year my best friend and I make plans to get together over the holidays, and every year she breaks those plans because of some last minute event or emergency that she "just couldn't turn down". Last year her mother-in-law had a stroke and was in the hospital, so I can understand having to break our plans to go see a local production of A Christmas Carol, but the year before she broke our plans because she hadn't slept well the night before and just wasn't up to going out for "a night on the town". That year our plan was dinner and drinks at a local hot-spot!

"Felicia" and I rarely get together because of her busy schedule - she is on the local school board, she owns her own boutique, she has a husband who travels for work and has to be home with the kids; meanwhile my schedule involves commitments of my own. However, I always make time to get together, especially around the holidays - and it seems like I am always on the losing end of the bargain when she cancels. Felicia is very good about keeping appointments during the rest of the year, but around the holidays I always come last and I am starting to wonder if maybe I should stop making such an effort to make Felicia a priority when I am not one to her. We have been friends since childhood, so I don't want things to change...and I think maybe that is my problem.

Signed,
Best Buds, But...

Dear Best Buds, But...

The last line of your letter says it all - you have been friends with Felicia since childhood and do not want things to change. Has it occurred to you that maybe Felicia feels the same way, which is why she makes an effort to get together with you during this very busy, quite exhausting time of year?

Since you and Felicia have been friends forever, I am going to guess that you can talk to her candidly - so give it a try. Explain to Felicia that you understand that things happen and that sometimes she needs to cancel on you, but that you feel an overwhelming sense of loss when she does - like the two of you are drifting apart and that you are losing something very special. I am sure that Felicia will understand.

Good friendships are made to withstand the hard times, and good friends can go months or even years without seeing each other without losing the connection that makes a good friend such a good friend. I suggest that in order to maintain your friendship with Felicia that you focus less on making plans during the holidays and more on making plans during a less hectic time of year. Everyone likes to see each other over the winter holidays, so I suggest that you try make tentative plans as opposed to firm plans - an early dinner or even a weekend lunch as opposed to non-refundable tickets to a show. Keep things light and you will find your stress levels lifting - and Felicia's as well. When friendship becomes a burden, it can be easier to just cancel plans than to force oneself to follow through.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is A Bad Haircut Worth Ending A Friendship?

Dear Tazi:

I am out of work and short on money. My best friend is in hairdressing school and needed people to practice on for her upcoming testing. I thought we could help each other out by having her cut, color, and style my hair. It was a horrible, horrible mistake.

"Tanya" told me she was at the top of her class, but I am finding this hard to believe looking at the disaster that is my hair. The cut was lopsided, so she trimmed a little off the other side to even things out and only made it worse. Long story short, I now have a bob. It is stylish, but it s not what I wanted. I can, however, deal with it; hair grows back. My problem is the color.

I told Tanya I wanted to color my hair auburn. My hair is naturally a medium brown and I wanted to jazz it up a bit. Tanya applied the color, but I am not certain she mixed it right - she swears she did - and instead of auburn hair I have orange hair! I look like a giant carrot! Tanya insists that I must be using inferior shampoos and hair styling products and that any residual product in my hair must have reacted with the tint and voila! Orange hair.

When I saw the final look, I burst into tears. Tanya was insulted and told me that she worked hard on my hair and the least I could do was be grateful for the free cut and color. I kicked her out of my house and we have not spoken since. That was two weeks ago.

Tazi, I miss my best friend, but I feel like she lied to me and took advantage of me. A part of me wants to let bygones be bygones and a part of me wants to call up her hairdressing school and tell them what she did to my hair. I feel like i will only be saving others future misery, but losing my friendship. On the other hand, at what cost do I save my friendship with Tanya?

Signed,
Carrot Top

Dear Carrot Top:

Have you thought to call Tanya's school and ask if Tanya's reasoning - inferior beauty products reacting with the tint - is reasonable; that this possibly could happen? I suggest you contact Tanya and offer the olive branch of peace - as you said, hair grows back. Is a bad dye job really worth ending the relationship with your "best friend"?

Is Cyndi Lauper the only one who can pull off this look?

I advise you and Tanya to go to her teacher - together - and explain what happened, with both the cut and the color. The teacher may be able to do something with your hair to tone down the color and make it more complimentary to your natural tones, as well as teach Tanya how to fix an issue like this should it ever happen again. You are not the first woman to get a bad dye job and you will not be the last. Try to remember that while wearing a hat to protect your face from the summer sun...and your hair from staring eyes.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Extra Edition: Happy Birthday Nemo "Chairdude" Cat

Dear Readers:

One of the best things about having an online column that is read by so  many is the opportunity to give shout-outs to those I love! My dear friend - and co-conspirator in all things catly - Nemo "Chairdude" Cat is turning 18 today! This is a milestone birthday in the life of a cat; in human years, Nemo is turning 90!

Hey, look! I found Nemo!

As you can see from his picture, Nemo is one sexy kitty! I believe this is what people mean when they say that all black cats look alike! (Right?). Nemo is an amazing cat friend to me, frequently sending me photos for use in my column and commenting on my posts, letting me know when I did good, and letting me know when I slipped up and could have done things a little better. One of these days I will be taking a vacation, and Nemo has generously offered to cover for me when that day comes! What a buddy, what a pal! Look for him on Facebook! 

Please take the time to leave a comment wishing Nemo a very happy birthday! 

Happy birthday, Nemo!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Vegetarian" Might Not Be, Upsets Hostess By Eating Bacon

Dear Tazi:

My best friend from college recently came for a visit and was staying with me for the week. "Karen" is a self-proclaimed vegetarian, so in order to accommodate her dietary needs and make her stay in my home as pleasant as possible, I went a little overboard. Yes, she told me not to make a big deal of her diet; that she would eat the meals that I serve and avoid the foods she could not eat, but as her hostess and her friend I wanted to make her feel at home. I went out and bought a vegetarian cookbook and the necessary supplies to cook the recipes. I spent a great deal of time in the kitchen creating special vegetarian meals that looked appetizing and that my family would eat. Karen told me that the food was delicious, and thanked me for the efforts.

While in town, Karen had plans that did not involve me (and I was fine with that) but we did agree to meet up for coffee one afternoon; I am really wishing that I hadn't. As I walked into the coffee shop I noticed that Karen had arrived before me, and was halfway through a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich! I expressed my shock to Karen over the idea that she was eating animal products, and she told me that she was not vegan so eggs and cheese are an OK part of her diet; and as for bacon she responded, "Well, sometimes I slip. I love bacon".

Tazi, I put in a great deal of time and expense to work around her vegetarian diet and am hurt to find out that she is not a vegetarian - not a real one, anyway. I tried to keep my cool through the rest of Karen's visit, but it was difficult as I continued to prepare the vegetarian meals I had already planned for the week. I think Karen noticed that something was wrong, but she did not say anything. After she left, I released my stress and anger to my husband, who laughed over the idea of me walking in on Karen eating meat! He thought the whole thing was hysterical!

I am considering sending Karen an email expressing my upset with her, and asking for an apology for her lies and maybe even reimbursement for the cost of the vegetarian cookbook, which was not cheap. My husband says that I am overreacting and that I should let the whole thing go, but he was not the one who was put out in the kitchen, or the one who was misled to believe that a special menu was necessary. I realize - as my husband pointed out - that Karen said not to go through any trouble on her part, but who actually believes a guest when they say that?

Signed,
Steamed (Not Boiled)

Dear Steamed (Not Boiled):

I am assuming that your signature is a play on the way you cooked the vegetables during Karen's visit? Steaming really is the best way to prepare veggies, since it allows the veggies to retain their nutrients that would otherwise leech out into the boiling water. Just a tip...I did not mean to digress from your concern.

Not to take sides, but your husband has a point: Karen told you not to make a big deal out of her diet, and apparently she meant it; it was you who ignored her requests. Consider the cost of the cookbook, vegetarian menu, and your time spent in the kitchen the cost of being a gracious hostess to an old friend, as well as the cost of a lesson learned (that lesson being to take people at their word).

Rather than email Karen to vent, why not email her to let her know that you enjoyed seeing her and that you are sorry that you were agitated towards the latter half of her visit; that seeing her eat meat really threw you for an emotional loop, and that you hope your reaction did not put a damper on her visit. This will give Karen the chance to profess her apologies for misleading you with the idea that she is a strict vegetarian. There are all kinds of vegetarians - from the strictest of the strict (vegans) to those who will eschew red meat but eat fish (because fish have a very poorly developed sensory nervous system). While there are those who would not consider Karen a true vegetarian, there are those - including Karen - who do consider her one. Not being a vegetarian yourself, I do not believe that this is your judgement call to make.

In the end, try to remember the happy parts of your visit with your old friend, and work towards reestablishing the ties that have bound you together over the years.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tea-Drinker Is In The Coffeehouse With Best Friend

Dear Tazi:

My best friend has decided to follow her lifelong dream and open her own coffeehouse. She is always telling me to come down and relax with a cup of coffee and to enjoy the “open mic” nights and poetry readings she hosts, but the problem is that I am not a coffee drinker; her open mic nights are like the worst of American Idol tryouts; and the poetry people recite is just plain bad.

I try to be a good friend and stop by once every week or so to see how things are going, but “Suzie” wants me to stop in more often, saying that running a business takes all of her time and that my visits are often the only time she gets to see me – or any of our friends. If stopping by meant actually getting to visit with her I would be fine with it, but she is always too bust to even sit and have a cup of something with me. Worst of all, I am expected to pay for the coffee I buy, which is not cheap because Suzie is always pushing me to try some expensive blend of coffee. Her coffees start at over $20 a pound, and quite honestly I think they taste awful!

Obviously, I cannot be honest with Suzie about why I don’t get by to visit more often, and I would like to curtail my visits even more. How do you think I should handle the situation?

Signed,

Tea Drinker

Dear Tea Drinker:

Why can’t you be honest with Suzie about why you no longer wish to visit her at her coffeehouse? You don’t have to give her the unvarnished truth (that her products and her entertainment are just plain awful and/or overpriced, at least in your mind), but a polite version of your feelings would not be out of line.

The next time Suzie invites you to stop by and visit her during working hours, explain to her that you would love to visit with her when she has time and that while she is at the store you feel like you are taking her away from the responsibility of running it. You could even further with the thought that during business hours, her attention needs to belong to her customers, not to you.

Since Suzie is your best friend, she should already know that you do not like coffee, but it could be that she is trying to turn you into a coffee drinker by introducing you to exotic and/or gourmet roasts. To someone who does not drink coffee, these roasts will all taste the same – bitter, burnt, or otherwise unappetizing. Most coffeehouses also offer other hot beverages, such as tea. Would you be willing to support Suzie’s endeavors by stopping in to buy a tea every once in a while?

Being the new place in town, I am not surprised that Suzie’s open mic nights are attracting a wide and varied crowd. Open mic nights and poetry readings can be quite competitive, with time slots for performing in crowded places a premium score. Once word gets out that the new coffeehouse has spots to fill, more talented players are sure to take notice and join in the festivities. Why don’t you tell this to any musicians and poets you may know? I am sure they will appreciate the tip!

Are the open mic participants really this bad?

Opening your own business can be a stressful endeavor, so try to support Suzie as she makes the transition from being someone who used to hang out in coffeehouses to someone who now owns one. I am not saying that you must learn to appreciate coffee, but I am suggesting that you keep the full extent of your honest opinion to yourself. It is better to be in the coffeehouse with your best friend than in the doghouse with her!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Overbearing Conversationalist" Needs To Learn How To Take Turns Talking

Dear Tazi:

I have a good friend who is a very dear woman, but has one major flaw that drives people away from her: she is an incessant talker who always manages to turn the conversation back to her. She was recently bemoaning her lack of friends - right after I mentioned I was getting together for lunch with some ladies we both know - so I felt obligated to bring "Pam" along with me.

When we arrived at the restaurant, one of my friends was on crutches. She had been in a car accident a few weeks prior and had done some muscle damage. Pam immediately expressed concern for the woman, but as soon as she said the words "car accident" Pam hijacked the conversation to talk about a car accident she had been in 12 years ago and how she still feels pain when the weather is bad. When the conversation turned to a different subject, Pam again took it over and made it all about her.

Just when a member of our party was ready to tell Pam off, our friend on crutches needed to use the ladies room and Pam offered to assist her by carrying the woman's purse, which showed the side of Pam that I adore - selfless and giving. At the end of lunch, Pam thanked us all for having her and even paid our bar tab as her way of showing her gratitude.

Since that day, Pam has been trying to "friend" these other women on Facebook and make plans to get together in person. Although my friends have accepted her friend requests, they are reluctant to spend time with her in person because she is such an "overbearing conversationalist", as one of my group politely put it. I would hate to see Pam excluded from our group get-togethers, because she is desperately in search of more friends, but at the same time I do not want to hurt her by telling her point-blank why the others seek to exclude her. Short of sneaking out behind Pam's back is there any way I can find a comfortable solution that would please everyone and hurt no one?

Signed,
Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

My first thought was that Pam might have been trying to fit in with your group when she prattled on, but then I remembered that she is acquainted with the other women, as well. Since she regularly monopolizes the conversation, I doubt it is just nerves that prompt such rudeness, so I am going to guess that Pam does not realize what she is doing. In her attempt to empathize with others she is steamrolling over them.

Although it will not be easy to tell Pam about her conversational flaws, it can be done in a gentle manner that will spare her feelings. The next time Pam hijacks the conversation, hold up your hand in a "stop" motion and gently mention that you need to say something. Then, tell Pam that she may not realize it, but cutting people off mid sentence or mid-thought is considered by many to be rude, and may be the reason she has such difficulty cultivating the friendships she seeks. Let her know that you enjoy listening to her, but that it comes at the expense of losing your turn in a two-way conversation.

Pam will most likely be flustered at this point, so try your best to comfort her, letting her know that you enjoy her company just the same and that she is a sweet and loving person, but that she needs to be aware of how she treats others in conversation. If she seeks to improve upon this problem, offer to help her through regular conversations. If, on the other hand, Pam is offended, reveal to her that you only have her best interests at heart. Since Pam has few friends to begin with and is seeking more, I doubt she will write you off her list.

Once Pam has shown that she is making a conscious effort to be considerate of those she is conversing with, speak to your luncheon group about giving Pam a second chance, mentioning that she is aware of her tendency to be an "overbearing conversationalist" and is working on changing. If they refuse to offer a second chance, perhaps you should give a second glance to the type of people you have befriended.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Listener Wants To Be Better Conversationalist

Dear Tazi:

Am I a terrible person? I have an inability to express interest in the lives and doings of others if they do not somehow concern me. For example, right now, my best friend is going through a prolonged illness that will require her to have extensive surgery. When we got together for coffee last week all she talked about was how terrible she has been feeling and how she is hoping the surgery will correct her problems; all I heard was “blah blah blah, me me me…”. I realize that other people’s medical problems are not something most people want to hear about, but I feel like I could have been a more supportive friend. Instead, I just zoned out on her.

I wish I could say that the only time I zone out on people is during discussions about other people’s medical issues, but I don’t. I zone out all the time – in church while the preacher is preaching, at dinner while my husband and kids are talking about their day, with my Mom when I am on the phone with her. I am starting to feel very self-absorbed. I have tried to be a better listener, but all the while I am thinking about what I want to say and wondering when it will be my turn to talk. Is there any help for me? Can you suggest some ideas on how I can become a better listener, and thus a better part of the conversation?

Signed,

Feeling Self-Absorbed

Dear Feeling Self-Absorbed:

Recognizing your problem is half the battle. There are many people like you who do not realize that their behavior is a problem (I will have a letter detailing the other side of the story tomorrow). Once you recognize that your behavior is an issue, you can work on solving the problem.

You say that when your best friend was talking about her very real concerns all you heard was “blah blah blah, me me me”. This is a very self-centered thing to say! Admittedly, few people want to hear the gory details of someone else’s health issues, but you could have focused less on the details and more on your friend’s emotional state. One good thing about listening is that it allows the listener to steer the conversation towards a topic that they would prefer to hear. When your friend commented that she was hoping her surgery would cure her ills, you could have asked her what she is looking forward to doing once she is cured. This would have directed the conversation to happier topics that might have been of mutual interest (travel, sports, hobbies, etc). A conversation is a two-way process that requires all to take both an active and resting (not restive) part in it.

Cats aren't the only ones who are bad listeners!

You mention that while others are talking all you can do is think about what you want to say. I suggest that you practice being a good conversationalist by having a conversation with yourself. Record yourself speaking, and then play it back to listen to how you sound. Are you bored with yourself? Do you find what you are saying detailed and interesting? Do you pause to allow someone else to add their thoughts? In short, are you the type of person to who others want to listen? Once you discover how you sound to others, you might be more willing to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.

Play back your recording a second time, this time pausing the recording to add comments or questions, as if you are merely an interested listener and not the person speaking. Does your recorded conversation allow for that? Good speakers can create good listeners. If what you have to say is interesting to them, people will want to listen to you and ask further questions of you; they may also start to mimic you, following your cues and allowing for comments and questions and asking questions of you when they speak to keep the conversation going back and forth.

If you find that your problem is that you lack empathy for others rather than good listening skills and a reasonable attention span, professional counseling may help you get to the root of your issues. I can understand not wanting to hear all the boring details (as my Mommie’s Grandpa Eddie used to say, “I asked you for the time, not how to build a clock”), but you should at least have an interest in the goings-on of your family members.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tolerant Man's Good Life Is Turning Into An Intolerable Soap Opera

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My problem is pretty confusing, so I will try to tell things as straight as possible. I have been with my girlfriend, "Melanie", for almost two years, and things are great except for her insecurity. She is convinced that I am going to cheat on her like other men have. I know that she goes through my stuff (cell phone records, wallet, etc.) looking for proof that I have a woman on the side, which I don't. I love her, and do everything I can to convince her. In fact, I have started leaving love notes for her in my wallet to reassure her that she is the woman for me. She is trying to break herself of the habit, and her insecurity is an issue we are actively working on together. Melanie was picked on a lot in school, and even though we are both older now (mid-twenties) her self-esteem is still fragile.

I have been best friends with my buddy "Mike" since we were kids. About six months ago, Mike started dating one of the "mean girls" who used to pick on Melanie in middle school. "Sandra" went to a different high school than Melanie, and they have not seen each other since the 8th grade. When she saw her again for the first time in years, Sandra apologized to Melanie (in front of Mike and me) for the bad way she treated her; but Melanie refused to accept her apology because she didn't think it was sincere - she thought Sandra was just trying to impress Mike, which I kinda think, too, considering that Sandra's apology was quite detailed, and brought up some pretty humiliating memories for Melanie (i.e. "I'm sorry I shoved your head in a toilet and flushed..."). After this incident, Sandra refused to even be in the same room as Melanie; so any hopes of the four of us hanging out ended.

On Thanksgiving night, I invited Mike over after Sandra had gone home; and he stopped by for a few beers and to watch the football game. Since Melanie and I live together, she was there too. Sandra saw Mike's Facebook status that night, which said he was at my place, and flipped out on him; saying she did not want him hanging with Melanie. She gave him an ultimatum; saying he could be with her or with me but not both of us, so long as Melanie was in the picture. When Mike refused to choose, Sandra left him.

I felt bad, since Mike really liked Sandra, and took him out drinking to help with the heartbreak. The bar where we were had a mechanical bull, and I wanted to try my luck on it. I asked Mike to hold my wallet while I rode, and I did fairly well even if I didn't last the whole 8 seconds. What I didn't know was that Mike used this opportunity to slip some condoms into my wallet, figuring Melanie would find them; be convinced that I was cheating; and kick me out, which would solve the problem of having to choose between me and Sandra. He was heartbroken and very drunk, and has apologized for what he did so I am not angry with him; but he did put me in a bad spot. I know this letter is already long, but here comes the part where I ask for advice:

Melanie did find the condoms in my wallet, and as Mike expected, she freaked out accusing me of sneaking out on her. I pointed out that I KNOW she looks through my wallet; so if I was cheating, my wallet would be the last place I would try to hide condoms. At the time, I did not know how they got there; so I told her that Mike probably put them there as some kind of a sick joke. Melanie believed me, agreeing with my logic, and things are somewhat okay on that front, but she is wondering why Mike would "play such a cruel joke" on her. I did not have the heart to tell her the truth.

My problem is, Mike is still heartbroken over Sandra leaving him and is taking his mood out on Melanie, telling me that if she had just accepted Sandra's apology all this would never have happened. Melanie can tell that Mike has been cold towards her, but she can't figure out why. If I tell her the truth, she will be able to figure out that Mike actually tried to break us up (by putting condoms in my wallet) and then I will have to choose between my best friend and the woman I hope to someday marry. I'd like to wait and see if Mike's mood blows over, but I am not sure how long that will take; and Christmas is coming. I'd like everything to be back to normal for the big day, since Mike usually comes over to celebrate with Melanie, me, and my family - partially because I want things to be normal between us; and partially because I don't feel like explaining the whole soap opera to my family, who live for this kind of drama.

So, any advice to offer me, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Choosing Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Choosing...:

Your situation sounds like the plot of a romantic comedy, except that I am sure you are not finding it very funny. You seem like an emotionally generous man, considering how you have handled Melanie's insecurity and her invasiveness of your privacy; as well as your forgiveness of Mike's cruel indiscretion.

If Melanie is as insecure as you say, telling her the real reason for Mike's coolness towards her would be a very bad move, indeed; therefore, I think your first step should be to talk to Mike. Tell him that you understand that he is hurting, but that he needs to understand Melanie's position, too: that Sandra put her through hell during their youth, and her non-apologetic apology only brought back the pain. You may also want to mention that as unfair as Sandra's ultimatum was to him, he is putting you in the same situation of having to choose between your best friend and the woman you love. If Mike is as good a friend as a best friend should be, he will work on his attitude towards Melanie.

Time has a way of healing all wounds - and of wounding all heels. If Sandra truly cares for Mike as much as he seems to care for her, sooner or later she will be open to listening to what other people have to say; and maybe by then she will be able to see past her own viewpoint. Those who make ultimatums usually don't expect to lose. This blow to Sandra's ego may be just what was needed to bring her down off of her high horse.

If for some reason some sort of tolerable relations have not been re-established between Mike and Melanie by Christmas day, just explain to your family that Mike recently went through a difficult break-up, and in his grief he cannot be trusted to be polite to others - then ask someone to please pass the potatoes.

-- Tazi-Kat