"Thin Twin" Wants Sister To Lose the Attitude (And Maybe Some Weight, Too)

Dear Tazi:

I recently lost a lot of weight, and am looking forward to wearing a sexy bikini on the beach this summer. My problem is that my twin sister "Ursula" is still quite heavy - and quite bitter about how good I look. She keeps making nasty comments about how we are "no longer twins" and how people are going to start calling me "the thin twin" and even joking that she is going to pretend to be me so people will think that I am her!

Tazi, we both have thyroid problems which is what caused the weight gain in the first place. The only difference between us is that I adjusted my diet after being diagnosed and she did not. I cut out sugar and starch and eat more whole grains and green, leafy vegetables. Ursula often forgets to take her medication, which complicates her thyroid problem, and has a sweet tooth that she constantly indulges.

I have tried to encourage Ursula to eat better, but she says that she can't afford it; that fresh fruits and vegetables are expensive and that she does not like the taste of whole wheat breads and pastas; and, worst of all, that she will never lose weight so why should she bother trying. While I admit whole wheat pasta is and acquired taste, there are so many other grains to try! Quinoa, amaranth, winter wheat...

Yummies for my tummy!

I have invited Ursula to go to the Farmer's Market with me to buy fresh veggies for less, but she always says she is too busy; I suggest that she go shopping at Whole Foods with me to see how affordable it can be (especially when you use your Oreo and ice cream budget to buy nutritious foods) but she refuses. Can you think of any way I can get Ursula to at least try to help herself? She is my twin sister, and I am missing the closeness we once had!

Signed,
"Phoebe"

Dear "Phoebe":

I see from your choice of pseudonyms that you are a Friends fan and not making cracks at the expense of the Sea Witch. Cool...I like you already, so I am going to print your letter!

I would like to congratulate you on all of your hard efforts to eat right and lose the extra weight you have been carrying. From the sound of your letter, you are feeling great, as well as looking great! This, however, could be what is causing your twin sister such distress. Once upon a time when she looked at you she saw herself; now, she sees the person she would like to be but feels she will never become. That has got to hurt!

A common symptom of hypothyroidism is depression, and it sounds like your sister may have a touch of it. Please encourage her to take her medication EVERY DAY! A 7-day pill organizer can make it easy to remember to do this, so long as she keeps it in plain sight and remembers to take her pill as soon as she wakes up every morning. She can keep the organizer on her dresser and grab her daily dose on her way to the bathroom after she wakes each morning. If this process does not improve her outlook on live, please encourage her to see her endocrinologist; she may need a higher dose of thyroid medication. If this is not the case, she should talk to her general practitioner about being screened (and possibly treated) for depression.

Once Ursula has her medication and her moods under control, try talking to her about eating healthier. Fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains should play a starring role in all diets, with sugary foods taking a back seat to naturally sweet foods that are low in calories - think strawberries and blueberries and other seasonal fruits! Now that summer is approaching, store freezers are full of frozen fresh fruit pops, a fun way to satisfy a sweet tooth and get your nutrition!

I suggest that you work with Ursula at a level that works for her. She may not have time to go to the Farmer's Market, but does she have time to join you for dinner? Why not invite her over to enjoy a healthy meal at your place, complete with a dessert of fresh sorbet and fruit accompaniment? Once Ursula sees that eating healthy does not have to be dull, she may be more inclined to try it. Slowly, work with her to make-over her pantry until it contains more healthy products and less junk; invite Ursula to go for a walk with you; go shopping with her for an attractive, plus-size bathing suit (they do exist). In other words, do all of the sisterly things you did together before you lost weight! In time, Ursula will see that she has not lost her twin simply because her twin has lost weight.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Drama Kings/Queens Need To Leave Others Out Of It

Dear Tazi:

I have come to the sad (?) realization that I love drama. In fact, I thrive on it. While I hate the emotional downs, I know that they are necessary to enjoy the ups and I love the excitement that swirls around me when I am in the thick of things. I love being the center of people's attention, and when they pick my "team" over the other person's side. Sometimes, if things are slow, I will go out of my way to start something just to keep life lively!

I suffer from depression and these emotional ups that drama creates are my one joy in life. I have been on SSDI benefits because I was unable to hold a job due to the drama that would swirl around me (not all of it was my creation, but I admit I did fan the flames whenever something erupted; I couldn't help it. I loved the spotlight!). My benefits are being suspended for my refusal to go to the mandatory counseling sessions, which I don't think is fair! More drama, I know? I just feel that my counselor does not understand my needs.

My mother has told me that I am "flat out crazy" and has demanded that I return to counseling and get back in my meds as a condition of living with her, but I don't think this is fair! I live in her basement, so it is not like I am invading her personal living space. Plus, I don't think I need counseling anymore; after all, I figured out the root cause of my "problem" and am willing to live with the fact that I love the drama that surrounds me; my medications only suck the fun out of the dramatic. The only problem is that not taking them leaves me unable to hold down a regular job, but I think in time I will find something that fits my needs.

Do you think my mother is being unfair to me? Or am I asking too much of her to let me live here rent-free until I either find a job or my disability benefits kick in again? Please print me letter! I will be so excited to see it in print and my friends will be sooooo jealous!

Signed,
Drama King

Dear Drama King:

I am happy to hear that you have come to the realization that you love drama. This is a real breakthrough. Now, you need to come to the realization - and acceptance - that not everyone else feels the same way about it. In fact, most people detest it. Your forcing the people in your life to live with it is very unfair to them.

If you seek to fan the flames of drama at work you will never be able to hold down a full-time job in a traditional place of work. Employers like to keep all of their employees happy, so making one happy at the expense of others is not going to work for them. As for the home front, you may be living in your mother's basement, but this does not mean you have no interaction with her. You must come upstairs to use the kitchen. bathroom, and other common areas so your behavior and your love of drama does affect her life.

I strongly suggest that you return to counseling and get back on your medications for depression - at least for now. I am also going to suggest that you find an outlet for your love of drama - be it a local theater group, where you will be able to act out your fantastical scenarios without hurting anyone, or something as simple as a bowling league, where emotions can run high and the competitive spirit of the game can satisfy your need for the dramatic. A counselor will be able to assist you in finding just the right niche for you, and seeing one will help you to continue to work through your depression and the needs it brings until you are ready to return to a regular job.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Needs More Help Than Tazi Can Offer

Dear Tazi:

I am a black man and my whole life my mother never missed an opportunity to remind me that “a black man has to work twice as hard to be half as successful as a white man”. This was her reason for constantly berating me, telling me to “man up” when things did not go my way. She could never allow me to have a good sulk until I felt better! She was always hounding me about taking advantage of opportunity when opportunity presented itself; learning from my mistakes; and accepting my share of responsibility when bad things happened. My sisters have done that, Tazi. One sister married a man who invested well, which is how they earned their money, and the other sister got a settlement from a car accident that left her with enough to start up her own business. Neither one of them had to start from the bottom!

Tazi, most of the time when things went wrong in my life it was not my fault! I have a son that I never see because his mother (my ex-girlfriend) moved out of state. How is it my fault that I am no longer a part of his life? But Mom holds this against me! My son would never have been born if his mother had remembered to take her birth control pill, but one missed dose and I am on the hook! How is that my fault? She could have had an abortion, but chose to keep the baby. Where is my choice?

I lost my last job because someone else kept putting me on the schedule for a day I could not work. I expressly stated after the first time it happened that I could not work weekends, and that if they scheduled me I would not show; for this they fired me! It’s not like I pulled a “no show”; I was just standing up for myself! I complained to Mom, but she told me (again) to “man up” and accept the fact that some jobs are going to require a difficult schedule.

As of now, I am on disability for depression because I just can’t handle the problems life has been throwing my way. A large part of why I am depressed is my mother’s constant negativity, but she refuses to accept her share of responsibility for the problem, saying that I am responsible for my own mental health. I am now being forced to receive counseling for my depression, which is only making matters worse because the counselor to which I have been assigned agrees with my Mom – that I need to take my share of responsibility for what happens in my life. My future disability payments hinge on this counselor’s decision as to whether or not I am truly depressed. This is not fair! I know that the counselor is going to give me a bad report, calling me an uncooperative patient and recommending that my disability benefits be terminated. How is any of this my fault when my entire life is being decided by other people? The worst part of all this is that my mother tells me she wants to be supportive of me and help me “get better”. She helped to cause all of my problems; I do not want to help her ease her guilty conscience!

My problem with all of this is that right now I have to live with my Mom. I can’t get Section 8 housing where I live because even the waiting list has been closed the need is so large. I can’t move to another state because my disability benefits are approved through the state and they will not transfer if the state I move to does not approve them. I am stuck. Do you have any words of wisdom, Tazi, on how to get my mother off of my back? I am a sensitive soul, and her attitude is what has led to my misery.

Signed,
Workin’ On Makin’ It

Dear Workin’ On Makin’ It:

Where do I start? You mother’s comment that “a black man has to work twice as hard to be half as successful as a white man” is sadly true, but the same can be said of a woman – of any color. We live in a world where discrimination is an unfortunate reality; we can accept this reality and work to overcome it or we can sulk over it and be that much further behind when we come out of our “good sulk”. Your mother sounds like a wise woman and you would do well to listen to her as opposed to telling her off – especially since you live with her!

As for your sisters and their successes: You say that neither of them had to start from the ground up. I say differently. For Sister #1, I doubt that the money to invest well and invest wisely grew on a tree in her backyard. She and her husband probably scrimped and saved in order to come up with the money needed for a minimum buy; studied their investment options carefully; and only then contacted a broker to invest on their behalf. They have earned their success.

I don't think your sister is married to this guy, either!
Sister #2 – the one with a settlement for personal injury and/or property damage – also started from the ground up, as running your own business requires a leap of faith into the abyss; she could have just as easily failed in spite of her hard work. The fact that she used her own money – and not a Federal SBA loan – is quite admirable. She has nurtured her talents, found a need for them, created a business plan, invested in her dream, and it is paying off for her. She also has earned her success. You, on the other hand…

If you feel that your mother is responsible for all of your problems, perhaps you can try joint counseling. The dynamic that exists between the two of you – and the dynamic between you and the rest of the world – is a problem that is more complicated than I am comfortable mediating, and is too involved to dissect in the space this column provides.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Out Of Work And Out Of Shape, Woman Seeks New Beginning For The New Year

Dear Tazi-Kat:

The New Year will soon be upon us, and I am feeling quite down about it. I have been out of work for the past year and unable to find work no matter how hard I look. I have not even been able to secure a single interview. Because of this, I have spent a lot of time sitting at home, bored out of my mind; and in order to reduce the boredom, I have taken up snacking. When I tried to fit into my favorite party dress in anticipation for New Year's Eve, I was horrified to find that it did not fit! It is not simply a little tight; it won't zip past my waist!

I had not realized how much weight I have gained these past several months because I have been living in sweat pants, completely unmotivated to even get dressed; but now that I see it, I want to do something about it on the off-chance that I find an interview! I need my clothes to fit! I cannot afford a gym membership - even at one of those $10/month places - and I do not have any home work-out equipment. Do you have any advice on how to get myself back into shape, in spite of my dire situation?

Signed,
Plumped Up

Dear Plumped Up:

My condolences on your extended unemployment. I have noticed that unlike cats, most humans cannot stand to be idle for prolonged periods of time. I can see why this would drive you straight into the snack cabinet in an effort to keep busy. Your first step to losing the weight you have gained will have to be to put a lock on the snack cabinet, unless you feel you can control your desire to snack. This should put a stop to some of the weight gain, but not all of it.

You write that you have been "sitting at home". Nothing puts on weight like sitting around doing nothing, except the combination of sitting around doing nothing and eating; so in addition to the lock on the snack cabinet you have to get up and get moving. Do you have a flight of stairs in your home or apartment? If so, I suggest that you start steppin', because you have a manual StairMaster! As a cat, I love running up and down the stairs at a record pace - it gets my heart rate up and burns calories. As a fellow mammal, I know this kind of exercise will have a similar effect on you.

If you truly cannot tolerate the stairs, there is always walking - outdoors if the weather is nice, indoors - like at the local mall - if it is not. Try to walk for three miles a day at a pace of at least 3.0 mph for a cardio workout. If walking is not your thing, either, then there is always good old-fashioned calisthenics; the workout that requires no equipment - just your body, and actual effort.

If any kind of physical activity at all is something that turns you off, I suggest you get screened for depression. Your prolonged unemployment may have brought on such an ailment; and your job search might be being unintentionally curtailed because of it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Adult Son Wants To Return To The Nest; Mother Is On The Fence

Dear Tazi:

I don't know what I am going to do with my adult son. "Harper" is 40-years-old and has never been able to hold a steady job. In fact, he was fired from his very first job at age 16, and has been unable to hold down steady employment ever since. From what I can tell, it is not that he is without skills; just without commitment to holding to a regular schedule. Harper enjoys his free time, and believes that a job should not encroach on his personal time. He has quit several jobs due to "differences with the management", as he puts it; "a refusal to follow direction", is how the management puts it. I know because a few of the jobs he has quit involved working for friends of my late husband.

My husband passed when our son was only ten years old, and he left Harper a large trust fund that was to be used for his college education or to be accessed on his 30th birthday, should Harper follow a career path that did not require college, figuring twelve years after high school graduation would be enough time for Harper to establish himself financially and the trust monies handled appropriately. My husband was a wise man and a hard worker but, sadly, our son did not inherit his father's work ethic or business sense. Harper has squandered all but the last few thousand dollars of his trust, and has asked to move into my guest cottage while he sorts out his issues. I agreed to Harper's request, but this was before I discovered some new information that has me wanting to turn back on our agreement.

In advance of moving in to my guest cottage, Harper has started having his mail delivered there. The mailman, not realizing that Harper was to stay in the cottage delivered Harper's correspondence to the main house; which is how I discovered that Harper has applied for Social Security [Disability] benefits. When I approached Harper about this disgrace, he did not deny it; claiming he suffers from depression, which is why he is unable to hold down a job. He informed me that his original filing had been rejected, as was his appeal, because his doctor was not properly certified. Harper did not have an attorney representing him because those he approached demanded he see a certified physician. All in all, this why Harper needs to move into my guest cottage until he can figure out how to secure a primary source of income, now that his trust monies have been depleted.

Tazi, my husband worked very hard to accumulate his wealth and was not at all adverse to sharing it with those in true need of assistance. If he were here today to see what a disgrace his son has become he would disown him! The only thing depressing Harper is his inability to continue sponging off of his late father. My sister suffered from depression, so I am aware of the signs and symptoms and have a genuine concern for those who exhibit them - which Harper does not. The only time he is at all depressed is when the latest party or road trip ends. I believe that the judge saw right through Harper's charade, which is why he was turned down for Social Security. (Did I mention that Harper also smokes marijuana, saying it is a treatment for his depression? Hogwash!).

I would like to tell Harper that I have changed my mind about allowing him to move into my guest cottage, but I am afraid that he will have nowhere else to turn and will end up sleeping on a couch in someone's basement. If, however, I allow him to move into my guest cottage I fear he will be living there until I join his father. Do you have any advice to offer, Tazi?

Signed,
Harped On

Dear Harped On:

I would first like to address your opinion that Harper's use of marijuana for the treatment of depression. According to a recent John's Hopkins University report hallucinogenic drugs have been shown to help people with mood disorders look at their problems from a different perspective. Marijuana is technically a hallucinogen, but the instance of hallucinogenic experiences while using the drug is very rare. The John Hopkins study did not include marijuana, focusing instead on hard drugs such as "MDMA (also known as the street drug "Ecstasy"), psilocybin ("magic mushrooms"), and ketamine ("Special K")"

In my Mommie's paraprofessional scientific opinion (she has a degree in Science, as well as Communications, but does not hold graduate credentials), any relief Harper gets from smoking marijuana is outweighed by the negative effects of the drug, which include a causal link to mood disorders; such as depression and amotivational syndrome - which may be what your son actually suffers, considering his work history. A psychological examination would be required for an actual and accurate diagnosis, which is why I recommend that you require Harper to get one as a condition to moving into your guest cottage. Should he refuse or claim that he has already received treatment, stand firm and tell him it's your guest cottage; so you make the rules for living there.

If a psychological workup by a properly certified psychiatrist shows that Harper is suffering from depression or any other type of mood disorder that leaves him unable to work the first step is to get him to quit smoking marijuana. If follow-up treatment shows no improvement for his mood disorder he is entitled to re-file for disability benefits. There is no shame in collecting SSDI benefits if they are truly needed. Included in these benefits is medical treatment for the root cause of the disability, in the hope that intensive treatment will cure the disability. SSDI benefits are not guaranteed for life and, in the case of those receiving benefits for mood disorders, a yearly review of benefits can be expected.

I understand your desire to be supportive of your son without being supportive of his bad habits; but at this time I believe you are in the perfect position to see that he gets the medical treatment he needs. In order to protect your own interests, though, I would recommend having your son sign a detailed lease outlining the terms and conditions of his taking up residence in your guest cottage. Your attorney can assist you with this matter, if necessary.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child's Safety Must Come Before Hurt Feelings

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue with my ex-husband and I am not certain how to deal with it. I liked the response you gave to the Mom whose ex-husband wanted to turn their daughters into toddlers with tiaras; and I am hoping you can give me some good advice, too.

"Edgar" (my ex) has suffered from what he calls phantom illness and the rest of the world calls hypochondria. I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, but he has been medically diagnosed with hypochondria - a diagnosis he refuses to accept. Edgar has claimed everything from depression (which only affected his ability to work, not to party, hang out with friends playing video games, or do anything else he enjoyed) to fibromyalgia (which again did not affect his ability to do things he enjoyed, including weightlifting). Essentially, if it is an illnesses that cannot be medically proved or disproved through definitive tests, Edgar has claimed to have it. After five years of this, I finally divorced him.

I am currently engaged to be married this June, and my son could not be more happy with my choice! He keeps asking me when he can start calling "Kyle" his step-dad, and is very excited that he will be have a big brother in Kyle's older son (who adores my son, as well). Seeing this family dynamic start to form has made me very happy, but Edgar very upset.

My ex-mother-in-law called me yesterday to tell me that Edgar seems truly depressed, and is talking about "ending it all" since he feels that he is "no longer needed". I have little to no contact with Edgar, except as it relates to our son, so I am unable to tell if Edgar is serious or exaggerating. I have said little to Edgar about my upcoming wedding, but I know that it is all my son talks about to whoever will listen, so I am pretty sure that Edgar is aware of our child's excitement, which I believe is what has triggered Edgar's veiled threats of suicide.

I once read a news story about a man who set fire to his house, killing both himself and his two precious sons. The visitation was supervised by a social worker, but the man locked her out once the children were inside the house. This tragedy has me on high alert for what I would normally just regard as Edgar being Edgar. I am petrified that Edgar will follow through on his threat to "end it all" and take my son with him when he does. Because of this, I have decided it best to suspend Edgar's visitation rights with our son (I have sole custody) until I feel that Edgar is well enough to handle himself emotionally. I informed him of this yesterday, while on the phone with his mother (he lives with her, and she picked up the other line when I asked her to simply put Edgar on the phone).

My decision has upset more than a few people, most especially Edgar and his mother; who feel my decision is what will put Edgar over the edge, leading him to make good on his threat. His mother actually told me that if her son kills himself it will be "[my] hands that his blood is upon". Dramatic, huh? Their reaction truly cemented my decision, and I plan on standing firm upon it.

Now that you know the background of my story, I am hoping that you can advise me on how to tell my son that he will not be seeing his father for a while. I do not wish to lie to my child; but I feel the truth will be a little to much for him to handle (he is only 7-years-old). Can you give me some words to work with, Tazi? I am afraid that anything I say will involve speaking poorly of Edgar, and I am trying to take the high road.

Signed,
"Poe" Me

Dear "Poe" Me:

I like your choice of signature! I am assuming this is why you chose to call your ex-husband "Edgar" in your letter! Paws up for your creativity! Now, onto your problem...

Edgar has been diagnosed with a form of mental illness - hypochondria - that responds well to treatment for most people but is something he refuses. The fact that he refuses to believe the diagnosis, coupled with the fact that his proclaimed illnesses are all impossible to test for with any scientific certainty (lab tests, X-rays, etc), makes me wonder if Edgar is simply a scam-artist and his latest claim - suicidal tendencies - is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. I am happy to see that you are not falling for it; however, any threat of suicide is something that must be taken seriously.

I, too, remember all too well the tragedy of those two boys from Utah; and I can see why this news story would make any parent a nervous wreck. Therefore, my advice to you is two-fold. I believe your first step should be to report Edgar's threats of suicide to a proper authority. Your attorney should be notified as to the reason you are withholding visitation, especially if it has been court-ordered. The courts may then order Edgar committed for a psychiatric evaluation. Once one has made a threat of suicide, the state can step in and force an evaluation. This may sound cruel and over-reactionary, but it really is the best and safest way to ensure Edgar's well-being and, by extension, your son's. Do not allow visitation to continue until Edgar has been properly evaluated and is receiving treatment. Your attorney can assist you with this matter.

Your second step is to explain to your son why he cannot see his father. Explain to him that his father is sick, and that is making him act cranky and in a way that is not very nice. Tell your son that his father needs to get treated to make sure he can be the best Dad he can possibly be; and in order to do that he needs to spend some time by himself to make sure he doesn't take his bad mood out on your son. This should be enough information for your son to process, without overwhelming him with the details. I wish you all the best with this delicate situation; and many blessings in your new marriage!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Second Generation Friendship Will Take Time To Develop

Dear Tazi:

There is a woman I know ho I have been friends with since childhood. We both have young children (under the age of 2 and still in diapers) and "Rowena" constantly talks about the future they will have together. She will say things like "when the children become Brownies and then Girl Scouts together" or "when the girls take swim lessons together at the YMCA".

Tazi, right now our girls socialize together because they have no choice but to accept each others company. They get along well, but they are still babies! Neither child has reached an age where she is asserting her independence or preferences for certain friends. I would love for my daughter and my best friend's daughter to grow up as close best friends, but I am not going to force this on her. Neither will I push her to join Girl Scouts or to take swimming lessons at the Y. I will encourage her to try new and different things and of course allow her to join Scouts if she truly wants to, but I believe in letting a child develop at their own natural pace. When I was a kid I was forced to play a sport I hated and I swore I would never do this to my own child.

I have tried to politely tell Rowena that time will tell what kind of activities our girls will enjoy, but she just pouts and tells me that I am "sucking all thE fun out of motherhood", which raises other concerns in my mind. Can you think of a way to let Rowena know that I am not interested in planning my daughter's social calendar for five years down the road? And how should I respond to her accusation that I am "sucking the fun out of motherhood"?   If controlling her child's every step is what Rowena considers "fun", I fear for the future of her daughter - and my own.

Signed,
Enjoying Motherhood...One Day At A Time

Dear Enjoying Motherhood...One Day At ATime:

It appears to me that you and Rowena have very different parenting styles. Please do not allow this to affect your lifelong friendship. People change throughout their lives, and parenthood is one more change your friendship can weather. It is quite obvious that your relationship with Rowena means a great deal to her, and that she would like for it to continue through the second generation (and maybe even beyond). You need to ask why this is so important to Rowena.

Rowena sounds like she is lonely, and having a difficult time adjusting to motherhood. Her only fun in raising her daughter is to plan her future down to the last detail? Why is she unable to enjoy her daughter in the here and now? Could Rowena be suffering from depression, postpartum or otherwise? Considering the length of your friendship, this should not be an uncomfortable topic to broach with Rowena; the next time she starts talking about the future, suggest that you both concentrate on enjoying the here and now, and gently probe to see if there are reasons Rowena is having trouble doing that. Reassure Rowena that her friendship is very important to you, and that you cannot imagine a time that you will not be there for each other.

If Rowena keeps insisting on making far-flung future plans, just smile and remind her that you look forward to what the future brings, but prefer to enjoy living in the present, and that before signing your daughter up for any activities you would like the child's personal input on the matter - which she will be unable to give until she starts talking; then, turn the conversation back to whatever it is the children are enjoying at present.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Depression Has Many Symptoms, Is A Treatable Illness

Dear Tazi:

My life has not been all that great in this busted economy, so I have taken to imagining that my life is ten times better than it ever was. In the evening, when I return home from a job I hate to a small apartment I despise to microwave a frozen dinner (the only kind I can afford) I imagine that I am wealthy, without a care in the world. Since all of my problems could be solved if only I had more money, these fantasies take me away from the cares of my real life. I love my fantasy life, and up until now it has kept me going in my real life.

A few months ago, my boss told me that she would be transferring to a different office and that I would have a new supervisor come summer. I like my old boss, and would have followed her to the out of state office where she transferred, except that there were no openings that covered relocation and I do not have the money to relocate. Do you see what I mean when I say that all of my trouble could be solved if I had more money?

My new boss is awful. I can’t stand working for her. She has no respect for anyone but herself. She came into the office and tried to change how everything is done; the first thing she did was fire all of the non-union employees so she could bring in her own people. My office is now filled with new people who are not nearly as pleasant as my old co-workers. On top of it all, my new boss came to work when she was sick and I caught her cold. This is where my problems get worse.

Since I was too sick to go to work, my doctor gave me a note to stay home. It was so nice not to have to go to work, and since I get paid sick time it did not impact me financially. When I got over my cold, I didn’t want to go back to work, so I lied and told the doctor I was still feeling fatigued and he wrote me out of work for another week. When that week was up, I still did not want to go back to the office so I told the doctor I was still not feeling well enough to return to work. I have [private disability insurance] so I still have money coming in to pay my bills even though I am not working.

My doctor has run all sorts of tests for various illnesses, from chronic fatigue syndrome to mono and all have come back negative. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out of work on medical leave, but the thought of going back leaves me feeling very depressed, especially since I have crawled further and further into my fantasy world since being home all this time. I have started to look for a better job, like I had before the economy went sour, but I am not having much luck. Can you think of any illnesses that I might ask my doctor to test me for, to keep me out of work just a little bit longer? Maybe until I can find a better job?

Signed,

Paradise Lost

Dear Paradise Lost:

I think you might be suffering from a very real illness called clinical depression; if your doctor has not had you screened for it yet I suggest you come clean to him and ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

While having a fantasy life is not uncommon and is actually a healthy way to deal with life’s everyday stresses, regressing into that fantasy life at the cost of living your own reality is not healthy. Your life does not sound very enviable, but pretending to be sick in order to remain out of work on leave is not going to improve your prospects at all. What is worse, and extended illness could actually hurt your chances of finding a new job, should your current employer report on you when called for an employee reference.

If you are suffering from depression there are medicines and counselors who can help you to overcome the symptoms and help you to function outside of your fantasy world. By following a prescribed medical plan, you will be able to work towards making your fantasies a reality – but you have to take the first step and get tested! Depression is a treatable illness. You will not be sent back to work right away, and your bills will be covered by your medical insurance. Since depression is a documented disability, your private disability insurance should cover you while you work towards recovery. I know it is hard, but once you find the courage to do the right thing things will get easier. Please write back in six months or so to let me and my readers know how you are doing!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Trekkie Seeks A Better Life...And Maybe A Woman to Share It With

Dear Tazi:

I am a 28-year-old man living in my mother's basement. Like the stereotype goes, I enjoy role-playing games, attending conventions, and collecting Star Trek memorabilia. Yes, I even speak Klingon, a language that my father taught me when I was still a child. I never really realized how out of control my obsession had gotten, until yesterday when I received a wedding invitation in the mail...from my youngest cousin, who just turned 18. I, on the other hand, have never even had a real girlfriend - just coffee dates with women I meet at conventions.

I want to change my life for the better, but I don't know how. I majored in Philosophy in college, and currently make a living as a writer for - as you probably just guessed - Star Trek fanzines and other science-fiction magazines. I make enough money that I could easily afford my own place, but then I would have to stop buying collectible merchandise (I spend upwards of $20,000 a year on it). My mother has no problem with me living at home, but I have been thinking about this all day and I think this could be one of the reasons I don't date. Who wants to bring a woman back to his Mom's place? Do you have any suggestions on how to give my life a complete makeover? I have no one else to ask.

Live Long And Prosper,
Spockie1983

Dear Spockie 1983:

I have always thought people like you were an urban legend, and yet here you are! I find it admirable that you have come to your own conclusion that life is passing you by, and that it was not forced upon you by others. This will make your "life makeover" much easier to handle. In order to do this you will not have to abandon all that interests you; rather, you will have to expand your horizons beyond that of your current, limited interests.

Politics is one place where a Philosophy degree is always helpful to have. Often times, debate is based upon philosophical principles, so you may find volunteer work for a candidate in whom you believe to be a viable interest. The good news is that 2014 is an election year, so your choices are seemingly unlimited. Such volunteer work can be fit into your work schedule, and will get you out of the basement and around other people - men and women - who have their own varied interests outside of politics, as well, which will expose you to the myriad of opportunities that exist beyond the Starship Enterprise.

Coffee shops are also a good place to chill out and meet people; as the conversation is friendly and free-flowing, and the topics vary like the weather. If coffee is not your thing, you could try roaming your local bookstore - with thousands of books on hundreds of topics, you are bound to find something beyond the realm of Sci-Fi that catches your interest; and broadening your interests is the first step in breaking the hold that your current interests have on your life.

Once you have taken steps towards broadening your interests, the next step is to move out of Mom's basement. As comfortable as basements can be, the fact remains that they are usually dark and somewhat chilly, and prone to water damage. Basements do not make for the healthiest human surroundings. If you do not wish to move far from your mother, you can find an apartment that is close-by to her. If she is financially dependant upon you, perhaps you can use some of the money you would normally spend on collectibles and put it towards her financial security.

If you are still unhappy with your life after giving these changes a chance to take root, perhaps it is not your life that is making you unhappy. Depression can take many forms, and getting screened for it may be a good idea. I wish you much "Q'apla"!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Shawn White Didn't Find Fame And Fortune While Sitting Around In His Underwear!

Dear Tazi:

I work a job that I hate and would like a better one but I don’t have many skills and I don’t have the money to go back to school, even if I wanted to make the effort to do that. I would love to find a job where someone will pay me to sit around in my underwear all day and play video games. Do you think a job like that exists? Like maybe a video game tester or a video game pro?

I would love to make a living by winning enough money in video game competitions that I wouldn't have to work but I can’t get the practice I need because I have to work during the day. Do you think someone might sponsor me to stay home and practice playing World of Warcraft and other cool games like that? How would I go about getting sponsors?

I see how race car drivers get sponsors to practice driving their cars and dirt-bike riders get sponsors that let them devote all of their time to their craft and even people like Shaun White have sponsors that let them do nothing but skateboard and snowboard all day. How do I get a gig like that? Someone told me I should tell my doctor I am depressed and try to get disability benefits so I can stay home all day and work on getting better at my gaming. That sounds tempting, but the paperwork I have to fill out is really involved and I can’t be working while I am waiting for approval of disability benefits so I don’t think that idea is going to work. Do you have any other ideas?

Signed,

Drifting

Dear Drifting:

Your life sounds pathetic and sad and I am wondering if you actually are suffering from depression or simply a complete lack of work ethic. I do think that you should see your doctor to discuss the possibility of needing mood stabilizers.

It's a tad cold out here for boxer briefs...

People like Shaun White did not reach their level of success by sitting at home in their underwear playing video games all day; they worked regular jobs and dedicated themselves to their craft on the side until they were good enough to enter competitions and win prize money and sponsorships to help them along their path. While sponsorships can make practicing a skill a little easier because it allows for more free time to do it, the other side of the coin is that you have to show continued improvement – making your best even better and your even better your new best, repeatedly until you are the best of the best. Quite honestly, the tone of your letter makes me wonder if you have this kind of commitment in you.

I suggest you look up the number of your local social services provider to see if they offer any kind of job placement testing or job training. While they may not be able to find you work that allows you to sit around in your underwear and play video games for an eight hour shift, they may be able to find you something that is more to your liking. And seriously, I cannot stress this enough – visit your doctor for a complete physical. Your disenchantment with life could be health related.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Suicide Is NEVER the Answer!

Dear Tazi:

I will be 18 next month and am graduating high school. I am a National Merit Scholar and have been accepted to my college of choice on scholarship. I am an All-Star Athlete, and a very popular person. In fact, up until now my life has seemed perfect. I say "seemed" perfect because my whole life I have been pressured to excel by my parents. I hate sports, but I have to play them; I hate playing piano but have been forced to take lessons; I hate taking Honors courses and all the pressure that goes along with them but I have done as I was told and did well in everything.

I am so afraid of going away to college, where I will be on my own with nobody to push me. I am afraid I will fail miserably and embarrass my family. I do not want to leave the comfort of high school and my hometown. I am thinking of committing suicide, but making it look like an accident, so my family is not shamed - that way, everyone wins; my family is not shamed, my name is not soiled, and I get a way out of all the pressure. I honestly believe this is the best thing to do, since I know I could never live up to the expectations put before me. I have reached my personal peak, and it is all downhill from here. Why then do I have a little feeling of doubt?

Signed,
Ready To Go

Dear Ready To Go:

That nagging feeling of doubt is your conscience telling you that your plan is not the right one. Please, please, please do not go through with your plan to end your life; seek counseling - anonymous, if you would like - to help pull yourself from this deep depression and to assuage your fears of failure. The loss of a loved one - accidental or otherwise - leaves a hole in the lives of those left behind; one that can never, ever be filled.

You show concern for your family and loved one, and not tarnishing your name; please consider how they would feel if they lost you not to a move across the country, but for life. Do you not realize how valuable and loved you are? Your parents have pushed you because they want you to succeed, but have you voiced your dislike of the things they have pushed you to do in order to become a well-rounded person? Do you dislike all sports, or only the ones you have played? Do you dislike playing all musical instruments, or just the piano?

I suggest you seek immediate counseling - online or by telephone through The Samaritans; they will be able to assist you with your next steps, which will be talking to your family about your future plans. Right now might not be the best time for you to go away to college. Might you consider enrolling in your state college or university? Would it be possible to defer acceptance to the college of your choice and start next year, after you have been able to sort through your feelings of desperation and fear?

I suggest you ignore those who tell you that these past years have been the best of your life! The best is yet to come; your youth has just been a primer to teach you how to find a balance of hard work and enjoyment. Your parents, your friends, your loved ones, and me all want you to live to see the wonderful things that come next! Please write back to me later this year and let me know how you are.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Needs To Learn That Depression Is A Full-Time Disability

Dear Tazi:

I have the opportunity to take a cross-country road trip with some friends who are in college, and I would love to go!  I have always dreamed of driving down Route 66 and having an adventure with my best friends.  We would leave the day after Christmas and return home four weeks later after driving though New Orleans, Dallas, Las Vegas, and other cool places. 

The problem with the plan is that I am on disability benefits for depression and am required to meet with my counselor on a weekly basis.  I have told my counselor that a road trip would be therapeutic for me and would be a huge help to my depression, but he doesn’t believe me and refuses to sign off on my plans.  I can go without his permission, but I am afraid that he will report me to the state and I will be dropped from disability when my case comes up for review this spring.  Why can’t people see that just because depression keeps me from holding down a job it doesn’t keep me from trying to find happiness?  Depression is an invisible disability.  Just because I look okay doesn’t mean that I am!  Can you give me some words of advice that would convince my counselor to let me bail on my daily life for a few weeks?  I honestly think this trip will help to cure me of my blues.

Signed,

Easy Rider

Dear Easy Rider:

No.  What I can provide for you is a map of Route 66, and you will notice that it does not run through “New Orleans, Dallas, Las Vegas, and other cool places”. 

From what I have been told, Amarillo is kind of cool...

If you are on disability for depression it means you have a chemical imbalance in your brain that affects your ability to feel joy and/or motivation of any kind.  The fact that you are actively looking forward to going on a road trip with friends – to the point where you are seeking official permission from your counselor – tells me that your counseling and medication is helping and that your depression is not as severe as it once was.  I am not saying it is not severe enough to keep you on disability – that is for your counselor to decide – but having extensive personal goals that you feel ready to accomplish, such as a cross-country road trip, does not bode well for your future on disability. 

Since your counselor is advising against this trip, I think that you should follow his advice and not plan on going; as he is the one who evaluates your depression on a weekly basis you may want to follow his advice – even when you don’t like it.  To go on this trip against medical advice could result in devastating results for you and for your friends, who would have to deal with any fallout that would occur if you had any kind of medical complications.  Be a true friend and don’t risk ruining their good time.  There will be other opportunities for road trips once you are medically cleared to make one.

No snuggles for you!

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.