Spread The Word: It's Okay To Be Asexual

Dear Tazi:

I am 25 years old and have never dated anyone. I have gone on dates, but I have never been interested in the person to see them more than two or three times. I have no interest in romance with a man or a woman, and no interest in sex. I am completely fine with this, since I have no desire to have children, either.

My parents are constantly pressuring me to meet someone and settle down, but I am settled. I have a job that I love, a college education, and I am looking to buy my first home. I have two pet cats that I adore who provide every day companionship and many friends that I see on a fairly regular basis. I have hobbies and play softball for a community team. I like to think I am a well-rounded person who lives a fulfilling life. All of this is not enough for my parents, though.

My mother would like me to seek counseling to “figure out what is wrong” with me; my father has asked me straight out if I am gay. I am not gay, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me; at least nothing that going to a counselor would fix. Should I humor my Mom and go to counseling and maybe find a way to overcome my lack of interest in partnering up with someone? Or should I stand my ground and tell my parents that they need to accept me for who I am, how I am?

Signed,

Not Perfect But Perfectly Happy

Dear Not Perfect but Perfectly Happy:

None of us are perfect (not even us kitties!) and if we spent our lives chasing perfection we would not be perfectly happy; we would be miserable because we are chasing after the unattainable and refusing to be content with all that we do have.

Not having an interest in a romantic relationship with another is unusual, but not unheard of and certainly not abnormal. It sounds to me that you are asexual – having no interest in either men or women. In a culture where everything must be paired (salt and pepper; lettuce and tomato; ketchup and mustard; for every sock a shoe) being asexual can be seen as an aberration to what is correct. However, if you are happy and feeling fulfilled just the way you are who is anyone to say that your asexuality is incorrect?

Say it loud and proud!

If you would like to seek counseling to further explore the idea that you may be asexual – or seek a medical opinion to rule out low testosterone – your health insurance should cover the expense. I would recommend a physical exam, because low testosterone can cause heart problems in men. If, however, you check out completely healthy I see no reason to worry about who you are. While your parents may be hoping for grandchildren the decision to have children or not have children is yours and yours alone; your parents need to understand that not everyone is cut out for marriage and parenthood, and that you are cut from a different mold. Perhaps your parents are the ones who should seek counseling to help them learn to accept you as you are.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Racism, Racial Phobia Not The Same Thing; One Is Curable

Dear Tazi:

I think I might be racist, but I am not sure. I feel incredibly uncomfortable around black people. I think this is because whenever I turn on the news and see that some violent crime has been committed, the criminal is a black person. I realize that people of other races commit crimes, too, but I feel like if I am going to be a victim of crime it will most likely be committed by a black person. Do these feelings make me racist?

Signed,
Racist?

Dear Racist:

It should bring you comfort to know that almost every serial killer in American history has been white. Ditto with every homegrown terrorist - including assassins and potential assassins - every guy that has ever shot up a school, mall, or movie theater.  Child molesters are more likely to be white men than men of any other race (or women in general), and studies have shown that rapists almost exclusively (over 75% of the time) rape women of their own race. A study by SUNY - Buffalo reports that 92% of white, working-class women have experienced serious domestic violence in the home, as opposed to only 62% of black working-class women (and no, black men are not breaking in and beating on white women!).  Do these statistics help to alleviate your misguided fear that black people are more prone to violence than any other racial group? In fact, it appears that white people have a lock on crazy!

I do not think your irrational fear of African-Americans makes you a racist, per se, since racism springs from feelings of hatred of other races, along with the belief that the white race is superior to all others. I do think that your phobia could morph into full-fledged racism if you do not seek counseling for it. Furthermore, I am concerned about your statement that the only crimes you see reported are committed by black people. Is this your experience? Are you watching a biased news station? Or are these the claims of a racist close to you that has you believing that the overwhelming majority of crimes are committed by black people? A professional counselor could help you dig into the roots of your fear and uproot them once and for all, allowing you to get to know people for who they are - regardless of skin color - and not what you have been taught to believe they are.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom is Afraid That Dad Is Trying To Raise A Bully

Dear Tazi:

My five year old son, "Jacob" is a sweet and active little boy.  He loves to run and play in the yard, but will stop to pick dandelions and run inside to give me a "bouquet".  He enjoys playing ruff-and-tumble games with the neighborhood boys but is equally comfortable giving a little girl a push on the swings.  I love my son dearly, which is why I am concerned about how my husband wishes to raise him.  I think "Jack" is pushing Jacob to be a bully.

I was recently baking chocolate chip cookies for my book club meeting, and Jacob asked if he could help me.  I thought by "help" he meant taste the batter and lick the extra off of the mixing wand, but Jacob was actually interested in knowing how to bake cookies.  He was fascinated that separate ingredients could come together to form something new; wanted to know why the oven had to be a particular temperature in order for the cookies to bake; and what happened to the cookies while they were baking, how they went from being "mushy balls of dough to real cookies" is what he said!

I was so proud of Jacob's curiosity and desire to learn the science behind cooking that I told Jack about my day when he got home.  Big mistake!  Jack accused me of trying to "turn our son into a sissy" and argued that the kitchen is no place for a man.  He then took Jacob outside and told him that it was high time he learned how to play football.  Tazi, Jacob plays soccer and T-ball and is very happy playing both.  I think he is too young to add a third sport to his schedule, but when I said this to Jack later that evening, he let loose with a tirade against both sports, calling them "sissy sports".  He then went on to say that Jacob is too soft, that he is going to end up being bullied if he doesn't start to toughen up, and that I need to loosen the apron strings!  I left the room on the verge of tears!

Tazi, my little boy is only five.  He just started kindergarten in September and he loves it.  He is not having any problems in school; in fact, he has made several new friends, both boys and girls.  His teacher says he is a joy to have in class and is always offering to help her pass out paper and art supplies or to help with the end-of-day clean up before the school bus arrives.  I do not think that Jacob is maladjusted in any way and I do not want my husband to discourage Jacob's natural curiosity - even if Jacob wanted to bake cookies because he enjoys baking!  Can you give me some advice on how to stand up to my husband?  I considered using your "Cut and Serve Paw Slap of Disgust" but I couldn't remember which column it was printed in; plus I am afraid that giving one to Jack will just make the problem worse.

Signed,
Jacob's Mom

Dear Jacob's Mom:

Excuse my a minute while I contact Chef Emeril Lagasse to tell him that, because he is a man, his place is not in the kitchen.  I will let your husband handle Chef Gordon Ramsey and even provide a fresh litter-box so you can bury what remains of your husband once he has handled the situation.  I am hoping that my dry humor is not lost through the printed word - as scary as Chef Ramsey is, I do not believe he has ever gone Sweeney Todd on anyone.

Your son Jacob sounds like a wonderful little boy, and I do not think that issues with bullying - either being one or hurt by one - is something in his immediate future.  As a parent, you are right to to keep an ever vigilant eye on the issue to make certain that the problem, should it arise, is nipped in the bud.  I do not think the problem here is with your son, but with your husband's impression of the relationship between you and your son.

The fact that Jack called Jacob's sports "sissy sports" is unnerving.  Your child is five years old!  Does your husband expect him to play tackle football at that age?  The comment that it is time for you to "loosen the apron strings" gives me a clue to Jack's side of the story.  Does your husband feel like a third wheel in the relationship between you and your son?  Or is he allowed to be an active participant in his son's life and childhood development?  Do you push your husband aside - inadvertently or purposely - when it comes to making decisions regarding your son?  Do you welcome your husband to spend time with Jacob - together with you or as Daddy and son time?

I get the impression that you are a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom), which means you get to spend a great deal more time with your son, even now that he has started school.  Your husband could be feeling jealous of the close relationship that has developed between you and Jacob.  Not only does this closeness leave him out in the cold as a father, it also affects his closeness to you as your husband.  It could be that Jack feels he is no longer the #1 man in your life.

The issues you are facing with the raising of your son could reflect deeper issues in your marriage - issues of which you may not yet be aware.  I suggest that you hold off on delivering a Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust until you have had the chance to sit and talk with your husband in a neutral setting, sans Jacob.  Ask your husband if he feels left out of Jacob's life, if he feels you are the one doing all the child-raising and he is left to sit on the sidelines and watch.  Let Jack's answers guide your next move, which may include parenting classes or marital counseling.  Remember that counseling is not only for people who have problems - many couples seek counseling to resolve small problems before they become big ones!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  I have added a permanent page to this website, offering a "Cut and Serve Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust", Original, Claws Out, or Cute Kitten style!  Check it out!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants Permission To Cheat; Husband Is Heartbroken

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I have been having marital problems and have been in counseling to deal with them.  I thought we were making progress, when she informed me that there is someone at work she is interested in, and he is interested in her, too.  She told me she could not be certain that she wanted to commit to our marriage until she had the opportunity to see where things could go with this other man.  She then asked me for permission to have an affair with him.

Tazi, I was stunned.  I did not know what to say.  I told her that I did not want to say yes; I love her and want her to stay with me and to honor our marital vows.  I asked her what she would do if I said “NO” and she responded that she would probably sow her wild oats anyway.  She then accused me of being selfish and wanting to keep her in a union that she was not certain she wanted to stay in.  She has now been staying out late and when she does come home she goes straight to bed and goes to sleep.  There is no communication between us and I feel like my marriage is ending in spite of all I have done to try and keep it together. 

Tazi, can you offer any suggestions on how to save my marriage?  My wife is refusing to return to counseling, saying it will do us no good until I accept the fact that she needs to work things out in her own way.

Signed,

Clem

Dear Clem:

You have my deepest sympathies on the breakdown of your marriage.  You have tried all that you can do to repair the damage; open lines of communication; and rekindle the spark between you and your wife, but she needs to work on doing the same.  A marriage cannot work when only one member of it is actively working towards keeping it together.  This is a sad fact that you may have to face.

From what you write, it sounds like your wife wants the freedom that comes with being a single woman with the security that comes with being married.  She cannot have it both ways, and I believe that she knows this, too, which is why she is trying to guilt you into seeing her as the wronged party.  Your choices are difficult, but unless you take action your inaction will allow your wife to call all of the shots.

Why you would want to stay with someone who has openly expressed a desire to cheat is beyond both my understanding and my ability to counsel, so I urge you continue to go to marriage counseling by yourself; leaving the door open for your wife to join you if/when she is ready.   Your counselor will help you to deal with the overwhelming emotional stress you must be feeling, as well as the feelings of anger, betrayal, and loneliness.  At this point, you must make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you wish to stay in this marriage or have it legally dissolved.

Extra Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Falling For Counselor Wonders If She Should Look Elsewhere

Dear Tazi:

I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now, to discuss the problems I have been having in maintaining a romantic relationship with a man. In meeting with "Joe" on a weekly basis, I have been able to pinpoint the issues, and work on resolving them. My problem is, in a nutshell, that I date self-centered men who are only interested in having their needs met; men who are not the type to give or compromise to fulfill the needs of the woman in their life. Consequently, I end up being the one who does all of the giving and none of the taking and, when I choose to complain about how unfair things are, I am further victimized by being chastised or dumped.

Joe is the first man who has ever taken an interest in what I have to say - my opinions, my needs, my desires, hopes, and dreams! I never knew that a relationship with a man could be so fulfilling until I met him! Now, I realize that Joe is being paid to listen to me, but the euphoric feeling of the attention he gives me is one I would like to experience in a real relationship someday. I am trying very hard not to fall in love with my counselor, but it is difficult. For this reason, I have decided that it might be time that I dip my toe back into the waters of the dating scene. My problem is, I am scared that no man will ever measure up to "Joe".

Obviously, my concerns are something that I should be discussing with my counselor; but I am uncomfortable revealing to him that I have developed feelings for him. It would be a dream come true if he felt the same, but a nightmare if he did not - especially since it would mean that I would have to jump full-on into the dating pool to find someone I could care for the way I am starting to care for Joe. Is my letter even making any sense, Tazi? I guess what I am asking for is advice on what to tell my counselor: Should I tell him I am ready to start dating again; or that I would like to date him?

Signed,
Ready To Take the Next Step

Dear ready To Take the Next Step:

You are correct in your belief that your counselor is being paid to listen to you - so please keep that fact in mind! This does not mean that Joe does not care about you as a person, or even that he has not developed a sense of concern for you; but as a professional he must draw a strict line between his personal and professional relationships. This may break your heart, but I highly doubt Joe will be willing to socialize with you outside of his office - to do so would represent an extreme breach of ethics on his part.

As a counselor, Joe is in the unique position of being the person you trust to assist you through an emotionally charged time. It is not unusual for people to develop romantic feelings for their counselors; however, it is unusual for the counselor to develop reciprocal feelings for their patient. As Joe could explain to you if you were to reveal your feelings for him, the balance of power in such a relationship would be tipped in his favor as you are already dependent upon him for nurturing care.

Rather than telling Joe that you would like to date him, make a list of the qualities he possesses that attract you. Obviously, good listener is on that list; but is there anything else? What about qualities you seek that Joe does not possess? Be sure to add those to your list, too! Once you have that list in your head, tell Joe that you feel you are ready to start dating again; and that he has served as a wonderful role model of positive qualities that you would feel you should be looking for in a man. This compliment will tell Joe that his guidance has been helpful, and can also give him an opening to reiterate that the relationship between the two of you is strictly professional. Hearing such a sentiment from your counselor's mouth might go a long way towards strengthening your resolve towards finding an appropriate man to date.

Once the topic of re-entering the dating scene has been raised, your counselor can help to guide you away from the shallow men you have dated in the past and towards deeper, more meaningful opportunities.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Spark Needs Rekindling For Loveless Marriage To Survive

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for almost twenty years now, and have four beautiful children ranging in age from 15 to 5. I love my family dearly, but I no longer love my husband, “Fred”. I do not wish to break up our family with a divorce, but I no longer wish to have a physically intimate relationship with Fred. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but all he did was get angry and tell me that I needed counseling. He also informed me that he would not settle for a sexless marriage. I gave him permission to have an affair, so long as he doesn’t bring it home, but he refused; he said he doesn’t want just any woman, he wants me. He also refuses to consider divorce, and is constantly guilt tripping me into performing my “wifely duties”. I feel so worthless after this happens.

I have been screened for depression and other mental illnesses, as well as gynecological causes for my lack of desire for Fred. Fred is a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want – but I no longer love him in a romantic way. I have spoken with a counselor on a few occasions, but we were unable to get very far. The counselor suggested I try to remember the love I felt for Fred when we first got married, but so much has changed since then – in our lives, and within ourselves.

At Fred’s request, I left my full-time job after our second child was born (80% of my income would have gone to child-care anyway) and have not worked professionally in over ten years, another reason I could not leave him. I have no support from my family, who has told me that vows taken before God are not to be broken, whatever the reason. I feel trapped and alone and I don’t know where else to turn! All of my friends seem so happy in their marriages, I feel like they would never understand what I am going through or how to offer help. When I am alone, I cuddle my cat Boots and cry in his fur, which gave me the idea of writing to you.

Signed,

Not Alone But Lonely

Dear Not Alone But Lonely:

You describe your husband as an absolute prince – up until the point he guilt trips you into having sex when you would rather not, which leaves you feeling “worthless” afterwards. Surely your distress is obvious to your husband, yet he continues to put his physical desires before your mental health. I am probably going to get clobbered by every guy on the planet for saying this, but your husband needs to learn to control his urges!

I have a message for your husband that I would like you to deliver: guilt-tripping a woman into having sex is not going to succeed in making her feel closer to you; rather, it will increase the repulsion she feels towards you. Each time he pulls you close to him physically he is pushing you further and further away emotionally. I believe that marital counseling could do a world of good for your marriage, and for the way the two of you communicate with each other.

Marital love does not die overnight; loss of affection is a process that builds, constructed through changes in life (such as the addition of children); stresses not dealt with (such as the loss of one income and/or loss of fulfillment from career); and as you alluded to, the changes that occur within people. If we do not work to remain familiar with each other, we assume too much and in time wake up next to a spouse that has become a stranger.

In order to get your marriage back on track, you are going to have to be willing to put in the effort to see your husband as you once did, and he is going to have to do his part to win your heart all over again. I suggest that you start by dating again – that is, dating each other. Start by planning a coffee date and sharing all those awkward details about yourself that you would share on a first date; things you and your husband may have forgotten about each other. In short, get to know each other again. You might be surprised to discover how fun this is! Once you move past the having coffee stage, try for an evening out – dinner and dancing is always a good way to rekindle romance. Do not go into these dates expecting the night to end in physical intimacy, but work towards that eventual goal – just like you did when you were dating.

Putting your marriage back together is going to be a process, so do not expect things to turn perfect overnight. Build upon the things you learn about each other. If your husband mentions his favorite food, try to incorporate it into a meal; if you should mention your favorite pastime, he could plan a date revolving around it. Each of you must show the other that they are actually listening when you speak to them! I cannot guarantee that you will fall back in love with your husband, but I do know that it is easier to fall in love with someone who is “a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want” than to try and find his replacement in another.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Needs To Learn That Depression Is A Full-Time Disability

Dear Tazi:

I have the opportunity to take a cross-country road trip with some friends who are in college, and I would love to go!  I have always dreamed of driving down Route 66 and having an adventure with my best friends.  We would leave the day after Christmas and return home four weeks later after driving though New Orleans, Dallas, Las Vegas, and other cool places. 

The problem with the plan is that I am on disability benefits for depression and am required to meet with my counselor on a weekly basis.  I have told my counselor that a road trip would be therapeutic for me and would be a huge help to my depression, but he doesn’t believe me and refuses to sign off on my plans.  I can go without his permission, but I am afraid that he will report me to the state and I will be dropped from disability when my case comes up for review this spring.  Why can’t people see that just because depression keeps me from holding down a job it doesn’t keep me from trying to find happiness?  Depression is an invisible disability.  Just because I look okay doesn’t mean that I am!  Can you give me some words of advice that would convince my counselor to let me bail on my daily life for a few weeks?  I honestly think this trip will help to cure me of my blues.

Signed,

Easy Rider

Dear Easy Rider:

No.  What I can provide for you is a map of Route 66, and you will notice that it does not run through “New Orleans, Dallas, Las Vegas, and other cool places”. 

From what I have been told, Amarillo is kind of cool...

If you are on disability for depression it means you have a chemical imbalance in your brain that affects your ability to feel joy and/or motivation of any kind.  The fact that you are actively looking forward to going on a road trip with friends – to the point where you are seeking official permission from your counselor – tells me that your counseling and medication is helping and that your depression is not as severe as it once was.  I am not saying it is not severe enough to keep you on disability – that is for your counselor to decide – but having extensive personal goals that you feel ready to accomplish, such as a cross-country road trip, does not bode well for your future on disability. 

Since your counselor is advising against this trip, I think that you should follow his advice and not plan on going; as he is the one who evaluates your depression on a weekly basis you may want to follow his advice – even when you don’t like it.  To go on this trip against medical advice could result in devastating results for you and for your friends, who would have to deal with any fallout that would occur if you had any kind of medical complications.  Be a true friend and don’t risk ruining their good time.  There will be other opportunities for road trips once you are medically cleared to make one.

No snuggles for you!

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.