Wife Wants Permission To Cheat; Husband Is Heartbroken

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I have been having marital problems and have been in counseling to deal with them.  I thought we were making progress, when she informed me that there is someone at work she is interested in, and he is interested in her, too.  She told me she could not be certain that she wanted to commit to our marriage until she had the opportunity to see where things could go with this other man.  She then asked me for permission to have an affair with him.

Tazi, I was stunned.  I did not know what to say.  I told her that I did not want to say yes; I love her and want her to stay with me and to honor our marital vows.  I asked her what she would do if I said “NO” and she responded that she would probably sow her wild oats anyway.  She then accused me of being selfish and wanting to keep her in a union that she was not certain she wanted to stay in.  She has now been staying out late and when she does come home she goes straight to bed and goes to sleep.  There is no communication between us and I feel like my marriage is ending in spite of all I have done to try and keep it together. 

Tazi, can you offer any suggestions on how to save my marriage?  My wife is refusing to return to counseling, saying it will do us no good until I accept the fact that she needs to work things out in her own way.

Signed,

Clem

Dear Clem:

You have my deepest sympathies on the breakdown of your marriage.  You have tried all that you can do to repair the damage; open lines of communication; and rekindle the spark between you and your wife, but she needs to work on doing the same.  A marriage cannot work when only one member of it is actively working towards keeping it together.  This is a sad fact that you may have to face.

From what you write, it sounds like your wife wants the freedom that comes with being a single woman with the security that comes with being married.  She cannot have it both ways, and I believe that she knows this, too, which is why she is trying to guilt you into seeing her as the wronged party.  Your choices are difficult, but unless you take action your inaction will allow your wife to call all of the shots.

Why you would want to stay with someone who has openly expressed a desire to cheat is beyond both my understanding and my ability to counsel, so I urge you continue to go to marriage counseling by yourself; leaving the door open for your wife to join you if/when she is ready.   Your counselor will help you to deal with the overwhelming emotional stress you must be feeling, as well as the feelings of anger, betrayal, and loneliness.  At this point, you must make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you wish to stay in this marriage or have it legally dissolved.

Extra Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Creeper" Needs To Crawl Back Under His Rock

Dear Tazi:

Here is my issue. I am single woman who has never been in a relationship. Right now in my life I do not want one. I am 22 and in college, working towards a successful career. I plan on going to graduate school and have no desire to date or be in a relationship. However, that does not stop the creepers from being attracted to me. It seems that any one who is interested in me is either a loser, a creeper, or married.

I have this one married guy who seems to be very interested in me. I have known him for about 5 years and only within the past year figured out he was married. The only reason why I figured it out was through Facebook. I see "Seymour" about once a year because we both volunteer at the same annual event. I will admit that we have has a flirtatious relationship, but I would never act on it. I figured it was a joke. Now though, I think he has a different idea. He texted me a month after the event saying how I was "a severe temptation" and that he "has to be good around me". I am not sure what Seymour means, but it was clear that he was not joking. Now he has been poking me on Facebook. I think I made a mistake by poking him back and continued to poke him back.

Tazi, I do not know what to do. Seymour is married and regardless I would not pursue anything with him. My fear is that next year at our volunteer event things are going to be wicked AWKWARD. Any suggestion on what I can do to stop attracting the creepers and not make things awkward with married guy?

Signed,
Fish Out Of Water

Dear Fish Out Of Water:

It is fun to flirt, isn't it? I love flirting with the visitors that enter my home! I will pretend to be shy, just to watch them bend over backwards to get my attention! Everyone loves attention, so I can understand why you would playfully flirt with someone that did not interest you - no harm, no foul; right?

Potential relationships can be scary for anyone, but especially for the uninitiated. Paws up to you for concentrating on your education and putting your career training ahead of boys; but it appears this has left you with a lack of experience in dealing with the laws of attraction. Rule #1 is that the less available someone is, the more attractive they become. Because Seymour sees you as a forbidden fruit you are all the sweeter to him - thus the comment that you are "a severe temptation". I am not saying that if he were single he would not find you attractive; just that he would not be acting like a creeper. And that is the issue at hand, isn't it? If Seymour continued to act like a gentleman, would you feel more comfortable around him?

The first step to stopping the creepy behavior is to stop poking him - this will prevent him from poking you back. Is it possible to dismiss a poke without poking someone back? If so, try doing this. If Seymour continues to try and poke you, continue to ignore the pokes. Unless he is a complete dunce, he should get the message.

As for how to avoid the awkwardness at your next annual event: You do not say when it is or how much time will pass before you see Seymour at this event; but perhaps time will heal the awkwardness. If that is not possible, please do not ignore the proverbial elephant in the room. If you see him, you can laughingly say "POKE!" to break the ice. If he responds, take the opportunity to tell him that you are glad that there are "no hard feelings about any misunderstanding that may have occurred". If he asks for details, simply say that you felt he may have taken your harmless flirtation the wrong way. If he still tries to push for details, just say "I think I hear your wife calling for you" and walk away.

As for how to prevent creepers in the future; there is no one easy answer. A friendly, simple, "I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not interested in you" will get the point across nicely. It may be blunt, but creepers will not understand subtlety. If they continue trying, simply repeat the above line, word for word. Creepers thrive on drama, and if you give it to them they will be back for more. Nothing is more boring to a creeper than hearing the same, even-toned reaction over and over again.

Good luck in graduate school and in your future career!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Have you "Liked" me on Facebook yet? Check me out at www.facebook.com/AskTazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Spark Needs Rekindling For Loveless Marriage To Survive

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for almost twenty years now, and have four beautiful children ranging in age from 15 to 5. I love my family dearly, but I no longer love my husband, “Fred”. I do not wish to break up our family with a divorce, but I no longer wish to have a physically intimate relationship with Fred. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but all he did was get angry and tell me that I needed counseling. He also informed me that he would not settle for a sexless marriage. I gave him permission to have an affair, so long as he doesn’t bring it home, but he refused; he said he doesn’t want just any woman, he wants me. He also refuses to consider divorce, and is constantly guilt tripping me into performing my “wifely duties”. I feel so worthless after this happens.

I have been screened for depression and other mental illnesses, as well as gynecological causes for my lack of desire for Fred. Fred is a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want – but I no longer love him in a romantic way. I have spoken with a counselor on a few occasions, but we were unable to get very far. The counselor suggested I try to remember the love I felt for Fred when we first got married, but so much has changed since then – in our lives, and within ourselves.

At Fred’s request, I left my full-time job after our second child was born (80% of my income would have gone to child-care anyway) and have not worked professionally in over ten years, another reason I could not leave him. I have no support from my family, who has told me that vows taken before God are not to be broken, whatever the reason. I feel trapped and alone and I don’t know where else to turn! All of my friends seem so happy in their marriages, I feel like they would never understand what I am going through or how to offer help. When I am alone, I cuddle my cat Boots and cry in his fur, which gave me the idea of writing to you.

Signed,

Not Alone But Lonely

Dear Not Alone But Lonely:

You describe your husband as an absolute prince – up until the point he guilt trips you into having sex when you would rather not, which leaves you feeling “worthless” afterwards. Surely your distress is obvious to your husband, yet he continues to put his physical desires before your mental health. I am probably going to get clobbered by every guy on the planet for saying this, but your husband needs to learn to control his urges!

I have a message for your husband that I would like you to deliver: guilt-tripping a woman into having sex is not going to succeed in making her feel closer to you; rather, it will increase the repulsion she feels towards you. Each time he pulls you close to him physically he is pushing you further and further away emotionally. I believe that marital counseling could do a world of good for your marriage, and for the way the two of you communicate with each other.

Marital love does not die overnight; loss of affection is a process that builds, constructed through changes in life (such as the addition of children); stresses not dealt with (such as the loss of one income and/or loss of fulfillment from career); and as you alluded to, the changes that occur within people. If we do not work to remain familiar with each other, we assume too much and in time wake up next to a spouse that has become a stranger.

In order to get your marriage back on track, you are going to have to be willing to put in the effort to see your husband as you once did, and he is going to have to do his part to win your heart all over again. I suggest that you start by dating again – that is, dating each other. Start by planning a coffee date and sharing all those awkward details about yourself that you would share on a first date; things you and your husband may have forgotten about each other. In short, get to know each other again. You might be surprised to discover how fun this is! Once you move past the having coffee stage, try for an evening out – dinner and dancing is always a good way to rekindle romance. Do not go into these dates expecting the night to end in physical intimacy, but work towards that eventual goal – just like you did when you were dating.

Putting your marriage back together is going to be a process, so do not expect things to turn perfect overnight. Build upon the things you learn about each other. If your husband mentions his favorite food, try to incorporate it into a meal; if you should mention your favorite pastime, he could plan a date revolving around it. Each of you must show the other that they are actually listening when you speak to them! I cannot guarantee that you will fall back in love with your husband, but I do know that it is easier to fall in love with someone who is “a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want” than to try and find his replacement in another.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Requests An Open Marriage As Alternative To Divorce

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I have been together since we were 12 years old and were married while we we still just teenagers. I thought we had the kind of marriage that would last forever, but I am starting to think I was wrong. Lately, it seems everything that "Hunter" does annoys me, and I am starting to get out of the house with my girlfriends much more often just to get away from him.

Lately, I have been going to a local bar for karaoke and dancing, and I am discovering all the things I missed by marrying young - including the opportunity to date other men. Now, I don't have my eye on any one man in particular, but there are several that have expressed interest in me if I was interested! I don't particularly want to get divorced - I have young children and I don't want to screw them up, plus we would have to sell our house, divide our financial assets, and it is just easier to stay married. Plus, I really like my in-laws and I do still love my husband...I just want more.

I was reading an article in one of my magazines written by someone who has an open marriage, and I think I would like to give it a try! The more I think about it, the more it makes sense; an open marriage would let Hunter and I develop relationships with other people so we won't be at each other's throats all of the time. I think an open marriage would help Hunter and me appreciate each other more. Plus, I could go out dancing and have fun with other men and not feel guilty about wanting to go home with one of them when they ask me (so far, I have always said no, but I have wanted to say yes!).

I brought my idea up to Hunter and he has a different opinion than me on this subject. He went through the roof, accused me of wanting to cheat and said it's just as bad as cheating, and told me he would divorce me before he allowed me to start sleeping around with other men. Well excuse me, but I don't recall needing his permission to sleep with other men! He said that part was covered in our marriage vows and suggested that maybe I have forgotten what they said. Tazi, I have not forgotten; I just think that I will be better able to honor my husband if I had a little more excitement in my life! I have seriously thought this through and just need a convincing argument to get Hunter to go along with it. As I said, we have been together since we were kids and we are both 25 now. I like to think that my oen marriage idea will help us to grow as a couple, but Hunter thinks it will just tear us apart. What do you think?

Signed,
Wandering Eyes

Dear Wandering Eyes:

Do you know why I am the only cat that lives in my house, in spite of my Mommie's desire for another kitty to keep me company? Because I do not want another kitty to keep me company! Just as my Mommie is trying to use my "needs" as an excuse to fulfill her wants so you are trying to use the problems in your marriage as an excuse to cheat on your husband!

The next time you go out to a bar to dance or sing karaoke, why not ask your husband if he would like to come along? You seem to be fixated on all of the things you never got the chance to do because you married young. Did you ever think that maybe your husband feels like he missed out on something, too? His unhappiness could be why everything he does seems to annoy you.

You say that you are afraid that a divorce will mess up your children. Do you think having a mother who sleeps around is going to help them grow into well-adjusted adults? Do you really think your in-laws, who you claim to really like, are going to want to have anything to do with you if you turn into a philanderer? If you are only staying in your marriage for the financial benefits you are not being fair to anyone - your husband, your children, or yourself. You owe it to your family to try and work on your marriage before seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

I suggest that you make a list of the reasons you fell in love with your husband. How many of those reasons still exist? People change as they grow, and if you and your husband have not grown together you need to find the place where your paths changed direction and work towards coming together as a couple once more. This will not be easy - or as fun as flirting with random men who are looking for a one-night stand - but the process will lead to a renewed sense of fulfillment in your marriage.

I strongly suggest you seek counseling to deal with your marital issues as well as the problems within yourself. Why do you enjoy the attention from strangers so much that you would be willing to throw away your marriage in order to take your flirtations to the next step? All in all, you must remember that your husband can make decisions, too...and if you decide to start stepping out on him with other men, he may decide to step out on you - permanently. He has already threatened to divorce you; do not doubt that he will follow through with this threat and make your decisions from there.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants More Sexually Than Husband Is Capable Of Giving

Dear Tazi:

I hope that you will take my letter seriously, because it is real. With all the talk in the media lately about Newt Gingrich and his request for an open marriage, my wife had decided this is the perfect time for us to explore the idea of an open marriage ourselves. I am not certain how I feel about this request.

On the one hand, I understand that my wife - who is a few decades younger than me - has needs that I am unable to meet, even with medication, due to complications from a prostate surgery several years ago. I love my wife and want to see her fulfilled, but I am afraid that she will find too much comfort in the arms of another man and leave me. On the other hand, I find the idea of watching another man pleasing my wife to be quite a turn on, and I think I would enjoy pleasuring her in the ways I am capable of performing as a second man takes care of the things that I cannot.

My problem is, I know that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality; and I am afraid that once the line is crossed I may discover that the reality is not what I expect or want. Would I then be stuck in an open marriage? Or do you think it would be okay to tell my wife that the whole idea just isn't working for me.

Signed,
Newty, Newty Boy!


Dear Newty, Newty Boy!:

You are correct in your estimation that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality, as well as in your understanding that the reality of watching another man pleasure your wife - in ways you cannot - might not measure up to the fantasy you are playing out in your head.

You mention that your wife is "a few decades" younger than you, leading me to believe that yours is a May-December marriage, which presents problems unique to such a pairing. It sounds to me that your wife is seeking permission to cheat on you, and may already have someone in mind to participate in this "open marriage". If I were you, I would nix the idea of an open marriage and seek the advice of a neutral third party - be it a marriage counselor, clergy, or a sex therapist who can assist you through your mutual frustrations.

If you are not comfortable discussing such a delicate issue with an outside party, perhaps a visit to the local adult bookstore could provide some accessories that will assist in your efforts to meet your wife's physical needs while maintaining the sanctity of your marriage. I wish you luck!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.