Youth And Beauty Are Not Mutually Exclusive Traits!

Dear Tazi:

I am a fairly attractive man in my mid-forties. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, and attend church regularly. I am financially comfortable and keep physically fit. I have varied interests, from outdoor sports to the theater and museum exhibits. I keep a clean house and can cook my own meals. I have good manners and know how to treat a lady. I even call my mother once a week! I like to think I am a good catch!

So what is my problem you ask? The only women who seem interested in me are women who are saddled down with young children. Tazi, it is not that I do not like children; it is just that I prefer my life to remain child-free. I have nephews and nieces who I love, but I equally enjoy the time when their visits end as I do spending time with them.

I do not consider myself a dirty old man, and would prefer to date a woman within my own age range, say 25 – 40 years old, but it seems that women in that age range either already have children, want to have children, or are too involved in their careers to find time for a relationship. A few of them have been goldddigers. I am not a rich man, but I own my own home outright, and this seems to turn on a lot of women.

As much as I hate to say it, I am thinking I may have to settle for an older woman if I am to find any kind of desirable female companionship. Before I make such a drastic leap, do you think there is something else I should be doing in order to meet the woman of my dreams? I feel like by giving up like this I am settling.

Signed,

A Young 46

Dear A Young 46:

How do these younger women – the ones you call “golddiggers” – know that you own your home outright? Do you tell them, in hopes of impressing them, or have they done a title search on your property to see if there is a lien on it? As glowing as your description of yourself sounds, I think you need an attitude adjustment.

You claim that you are looking to meet a woman in your “own age range”, but the range you mention starts at 21 years younger than you and ends at 40. This is hardly what I would consider to be the same age as you, or even within the same range. Five years either way can be considered the same age range. You need to realize that you may be a “young 46” but that you are still 46 and that women who are “married to their careers” may simply be telling you that they are not interested in a man as old as you.

Generally, women within the age range you are looking at will have children or will want children; there is no way around this. If you set your prejudices aside you may discover that a woman who is closer to your age would make a more suitable partner for you. Not all women in their mid-forties and up are dried out husks sliding into menopause, and you should not see them this way.

I think your first step should be to figure out why you want to date a woman who is so much younger than you. Do you see a younger woman as a trophy? Are you trying to recapture your youth or fool yourself into thinking that you have not aged at all? What do you have against women over the age of 40? I can name several that I would not kick out of bed, including Diane Keaton, Francis McDormand, Janet Jackson, Diane Lane, Tina Turner, Kyra Sedgwick, Angela Basset, Felicity Huffman and the other Desperate Housewives and any of the women from Sex in the City. Well, except for the bony one (sorry Sarah Jessica Parker, but I cannot date a woman whose haunches are thinner than mine!). 

The fine at any age Miss Jackson!

Diane Lane makes 48 look good!

"Annie Hall" (Diane Keaton, 67)
only gets better with age!

I am certain that there are several gems in your social circle that you are overlooking simply because their birth certificate was issued before 1963.

Do not look at dating a woman closer to your age as “giving up” but rather as trading up – with an older woman, you do not have to deal with as much drama; they know who they are and what they want out of life, and like you tend to be financially stable with well-rounded personalities.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

May-December Romance In Limbo As Paths Divide

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is financially secure, sophisticated, charming, clean and sober, and fun. So what's the problem? Ours is not quite a May-December romance, but pretty close to it - I would call it May-late October. "David" is almost 25 years older than me; I am in my early thirties.

David and I have been dating four [sic] almost five years now, and I would like to settle down, get married, and have children before it is too late. David is divorced, has adult children from his marriage, and has no desire to father more children at this stage in life. Furthermore, every time I bring up the idea of marriage, David tells me that he is not ready to take that step; doubts he ever will be ready to take it again; and that I should not pin my hopes on such a future with him. I tried breaking up with him over this, but we were both miserable without each other so I came back to him. It was during our time apart that my dissatisfaction with this relationship really started to blossom.

David and I were broken up for about six months; during which time I dated other men who were closer to my age, and even a few years younger. Although they lacked David's worldly sophistication and bank account balance, it was nice to be with a man who could stay out until the city closed down for the night; who could have a few drinks without worrying that they would interfere with his Viagra; and who wasn't mistaken for my father every time we went somewhere where people didn't know us.

Now that David and I are back together, I find myself feeling restless; wishing that he was twenty years younger. Why can't I love him for who he is? I have thought about breaking up with him; but like you said in an earlier column, after Christmas comes Valentine's Day...and then my birthday, in March (and I will be darned if I miss out on a gift after spending another three months with him!)...then it's his birthday, in late April...then summer, and he owns a boat and has membership to a private beach club...then the next thing you know it's October and the holidays are approaching again! Am I shallow? I am not sure if it is my love of the material things David provides that keeps me by his side - or my love of him. What's your professional opinion, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Not A Gold-Digger?

Dear Not A Gold-Digger?

A few sessions with a mental health professional could help you delve deeper into what attracts you to David - be it his material wealth, his age, or just a natural attraction to the man that he is. If you grew up poor without a father-figure in your life, I could see why you would seek financial security and an older man. If you did not; well, again, a social worker or licensed counselor would be able to help you to see inside yourself. I sincerely suggest that you seek the services of one to help you figure out your heart and mind, for your sake and David's. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where love of the person takes a back-seat to a love of material things.

Something you said that caught my attention was that the two of you were "both miserable without each other"; yet in the next paragraph you mention that during your six months apart you dated other men, and from the sound of it had the time of your life. What was it that was making you so miserable? If it was the lack of "worldly sophistication and bank account balance" accorded these men, then I would say the answer to your question is YES; it is your love of material things that keeps you by David's side.

If marriage and children is what you truly seek in life, than I would suggest that you wean yourself off of David, because he has made it clear that this is not the life he seeks, nor is it the life he wishes to provide for you.

--Tazi-Kat

Division Of Space Between New Step-Sisters Is A Tricky Problem To Solve

Dear Tazi:

I only just discovered your column so you will probably print this after the fact, but here is my problem anyway. My Mom is getting remarried New Year’s Eve (2012) and the man she is marrying has an 8-year-old daughter, “Cindy”. She’s a cute kid, and I have nothing against her, but I am 15-years-old so I really have nothing in common with her, either.

Because my mother owns her own house and “Bradley” rents, he will be moving in with us after the wedding. Again, I have no problem with this so long as he respects my privacy and doesn’t turn my life into a Lifetime TV movie! My problem is that Bradley has visitation with Cindy one day a week (a non-overnight visit) and two weekends a month for overnight stays. He and my Mom have decided that, since Cindy will not be with us full time, she does not need her own bedroom. They are keeping our third bedroom/office as an office and expect me to share my bedroom with Cindy!

Tazi, my mother told me that I will have to give up my double bed to make room for two twin beds, and that I will have to get all new furniture to match the furniture that they will be buying for Cindy. The kid is only going to be sleeping over four nights a month! I do not see why I have to split my bedroom full-time or get rid of my stuff to make room for her! They get to keep their “study” instead of turning it into a guest bedroom!

I know that sounds bratty, but I have tried to make a calm and reasonable argument with my mother but it didn’t work. Bradley went all father-figure on me and told me that this was his home now, too, and that meant it was his daughter’s home as well and that we were to make her feel welcome. Like I said, Tazi, Cindy is a cute kid, but she is A) a kid, and will probably want to decorate the room like a kid’s room and act like a little kid when she is in there and B) she is not going to be around all that much. My mother told me that if I could think of a reasonable solution to the problem we could take that route instead, but I don’t know what to suggest that does not involve me giving up my space. Can you think of a solution – quickly? Bradley wants to go furniture shopping ASAP.

Signed,

Soon-To-Be Stepsister

Dear Soon-To-Be Stepsister:

I get the distinct impression that you do not care for Bradley. While this may seem neither here nor there, it is an important factor in the dynamic you describe. You do not say how long your parents have been divorced, but I get the impression that for the last few years (at least) it has been just you and your Mom, and now there are new people entering your home and your private life. This can be a big adjustment on its own, but to add on the stress of losing 1/2 of your bedroom to a child 1/2 of your age who will only be there to occupy it 1/10^th of the month…this can present an overwhelming amount of stress.

Try not to blame your Mom, but to see things from her point of view. She has just become a stepmother and is trying to make her new stepdaughter (who is going through her own stresses right now) feel like a welcome part of the family. In her zeal to impress this welcome upon both Cindy and Bradley, you are the one getting unfairly pushed.

If your mother and stepfather are adamant about keeping their office space an office and not a hybrid office/guest room, the only other solution is to put Cindy in your room. Personally, I do not believe that an eight year old should be sharing a room with a fifteen year old. Unless the two are extremely close, this is a recipe for argument and disaster! I suggest that, rather than split the room down the middle – which I agree is an unfair division of space – or invest in a whole new room of furniture – which can be expensive – that your parents invest in a trundle bed for Cindy. A trundle bed stores neatly under the main bed and can be pulled out for use as necessary. Hopefully, you will be willing to create some space – say two drawers worth – in your dresser for Cindy to put her stuff, and perhaps even a little bit of closet space, as well. This plan will allow Cindy to feel welcome without infringing on your rights to personal space, too. Furthermore, it will cut down on the problem of not having something she needs because it’s a t Daddy’s house, because with the exception of a few essentials she will be packing up her stuff when she leaves each Sunday night.

I suggest you show your letter to your Mom, as well as the response I have given; then, open up a real conversation on the topic of your personal space – and what I think are your fears of coming in second to your new stepsister.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Education Could Be The Beginning Of A New Life For Young Student

Dear Tazi:

I come from a very small town in a part of the country where people still marry their high school sweethearts and buy the house they grew up in from their parents when Mom and Dad are ready to move to Florida. Don't get me wrong, I love my small town - and the people in it, especially my boyfriend "Randy" - but I have always yearned for more! My favorite movie of all time is Sweet Home Alabama, and I often imagine myself in the role of Melanie Carmichael [the Reese Witherspoon character] - until she decides to leave New York behind and settle back down in her hometown.

My family has lived in our town for seven generations now - nobody has ever left, not even to go to college. My teachers have always told me that i am very bright and that I could be somebody if I furthered my education past high school, but my parents always said there is no way they could afford to pay for me to go to college. Late last year, I secretly sent out applications for colleges and I just got the news that my first choice wants me! They have even offered me a full academic scholarship, so I would not have to worry about how to pay for it! When I told my parents the news, Mama cried tears of joy; and Daddy told me he was proud of me, which from him is high praise, indeed! The local newspaper did a write-up about me, and put the story on the front page; and the local diner where I work cut the story out and posted it on the wall for everyone to see. Everyone is so happy for me, I feel like a local hero! The only person who is unhappy is my boyfriend, Randy, who is against me traveling away for school.

Randy and I have been seeing each other since I was 14, and he is the only boy I have ever dated. Randy told me that was hoping that we would get married after he graduates high school (he is a year behind me, because he stayed back a year when he was little) and that my leaving for school would change everything. He is convinced that I will forget all about him and meet someone new while I am away. He suggested that we get married at the end of the school year, and he can come away with me; but I am not certain that is something I want. For one thing, I want Randy to finish high school. For another thing, I am afraid that if I get married I will not be able to handle the responsibilities of college and being a wife. Plus, if I were to get married I couldn't use birth control and I know there would be no way i could handle college and babies. Last of all, I have always hoped that I would grow up to move to a big city, like Atlanta; but Randy has no desire to leave our hometown for good.

What should I do kitty-cat? I don't want to break up with Randy, but I do want to go away to college and start a new life! Do you think it's possible to have it all?

Signed,
Miss Independence

Dear Miss Independence:

You may feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now; so I want you to think back to four years ago, right before you started dating Randy. Do you remember what you were like? What was your favorite way to spend your free time? What were your favorite TV shows and books? How much have you changed over these four years? I doubt that you are still the young girl you were when you and Randy started dating. Think for a minute about the dreams you held back then...have you accomplished them?

Now, think about the dreams you hold for your future. What do you hope to accomplish in your four years of college? Do you hope to pledge a sorority? Write a book? Design your own line of clothing? Cheer for a Division 1 cheer-leading squad? Graduate with distinction? Now, for the most important question of all: Do the dreams you have follow the same path as Randy's dreams? Or can you see the two of you growing apart as you both continue to grow up?

The "you" that Randy fell in love with may not be the same woman who returns home from college. Randy is fully aware of this fact, and would like to prevent any such change from occurring by keeping you at his side, be it in your hometown or away on a college campus. Would you be willing to sacrifice your dreams in order to see Randy's fulfilled? The tone of your letter tells me the answer to that question is no.

At this point in time, I would advise you not to make any rash decisions one way or the other. Enjoy the time that you and Randy have together and enjoy your senior year of high school! When the time comes for you to prepare to leave for school, ask Randy to give you one year away at school without any pressure to come back home. One thing you will experience once you get to college is culture shock. You will be surrounded by countless new people from countless different backgrounds. You may take to college and the city like a duck takes to water or you may find that there is a big difference between what we dream and the reality that those dreams can bring.

During this time away at school, you will be able to sort out your feelings for Randy, your hometown, and what exactly you would like your future to include; while Randy will be able to decide what is best for his future. You may both discover some hard truths about life, including the fact that we can't always have everything exactly as we want it. Whatever you discover, I think time and experience will tell you the zip code of where your heart truly resides.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants More Sexually Than Husband Is Capable Of Giving

Dear Tazi:

I hope that you will take my letter seriously, because it is real. With all the talk in the media lately about Newt Gingrich and his request for an open marriage, my wife had decided this is the perfect time for us to explore the idea of an open marriage ourselves. I am not certain how I feel about this request.

On the one hand, I understand that my wife - who is a few decades younger than me - has needs that I am unable to meet, even with medication, due to complications from a prostate surgery several years ago. I love my wife and want to see her fulfilled, but I am afraid that she will find too much comfort in the arms of another man and leave me. On the other hand, I find the idea of watching another man pleasing my wife to be quite a turn on, and I think I would enjoy pleasuring her in the ways I am capable of performing as a second man takes care of the things that I cannot.

My problem is, I know that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality; and I am afraid that once the line is crossed I may discover that the reality is not what I expect or want. Would I then be stuck in an open marriage? Or do you think it would be okay to tell my wife that the whole idea just isn't working for me.

Signed,
Newty, Newty Boy!


Dear Newty, Newty Boy!:

You are correct in your estimation that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality, as well as in your understanding that the reality of watching another man pleasure your wife - in ways you cannot - might not measure up to the fantasy you are playing out in your head.

You mention that your wife is "a few decades" younger than you, leading me to believe that yours is a May-December marriage, which presents problems unique to such a pairing. It sounds to me that your wife is seeking permission to cheat on you, and may already have someone in mind to participate in this "open marriage". If I were you, I would nix the idea of an open marriage and seek the advice of a neutral third party - be it a marriage counselor, clergy, or a sex therapist who can assist you through your mutual frustrations.

If you are not comfortable discussing such a delicate issue with an outside party, perhaps a visit to the local adult bookstore could provide some accessories that will assist in your efforts to meet your wife's physical needs while maintaining the sanctity of your marriage. I wish you luck!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.