Wife Wants Permission To Cheat; Husband Is Heartbroken

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I have been having marital problems and have been in counseling to deal with them.  I thought we were making progress, when she informed me that there is someone at work she is interested in, and he is interested in her, too.  She told me she could not be certain that she wanted to commit to our marriage until she had the opportunity to see where things could go with this other man.  She then asked me for permission to have an affair with him.

Tazi, I was stunned.  I did not know what to say.  I told her that I did not want to say yes; I love her and want her to stay with me and to honor our marital vows.  I asked her what she would do if I said “NO” and she responded that she would probably sow her wild oats anyway.  She then accused me of being selfish and wanting to keep her in a union that she was not certain she wanted to stay in.  She has now been staying out late and when she does come home she goes straight to bed and goes to sleep.  There is no communication between us and I feel like my marriage is ending in spite of all I have done to try and keep it together. 

Tazi, can you offer any suggestions on how to save my marriage?  My wife is refusing to return to counseling, saying it will do us no good until I accept the fact that she needs to work things out in her own way.

Signed,

Clem

Dear Clem:

You have my deepest sympathies on the breakdown of your marriage.  You have tried all that you can do to repair the damage; open lines of communication; and rekindle the spark between you and your wife, but she needs to work on doing the same.  A marriage cannot work when only one member of it is actively working towards keeping it together.  This is a sad fact that you may have to face.

From what you write, it sounds like your wife wants the freedom that comes with being a single woman with the security that comes with being married.  She cannot have it both ways, and I believe that she knows this, too, which is why she is trying to guilt you into seeing her as the wronged party.  Your choices are difficult, but unless you take action your inaction will allow your wife to call all of the shots.

Why you would want to stay with someone who has openly expressed a desire to cheat is beyond both my understanding and my ability to counsel, so I urge you continue to go to marriage counseling by yourself; leaving the door open for your wife to join you if/when she is ready.   Your counselor will help you to deal with the overwhelming emotional stress you must be feeling, as well as the feelings of anger, betrayal, and loneliness.  At this point, you must make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you wish to stay in this marriage or have it legally dissolved.

Extra Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Online Romance Is Still Cheating

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I just discovered that my boyfriend of two and a half years is cheating on me. The problem is, I only know that he is cheating on me because I broke into his email to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating on me.

"Brady" has been acting distant for several months now, and at first I thought it was just the stress of school. He has not been doing well, so I figured I would give him some space and some more time to study. Instead of studying, he started playing World of Warcraft, which is how he met the woman he has been seeing. So far, the romance appears to be online only, but I don't know if I want to stick around to see if it escalates.

If I break up with Brady, he is going to want me to give him a reason; he can be very insistant that way, wanting to know exactly why something is happening when things do not go the way he likes. For this reason, he has alienated a lot of people, including several of my close friends who are all telling me I should "jump ship". The problem is, I am still deeply in love with Brady, and I am afraid that if I leave I will regret my decision - after all, I have no real proof that he has physically cheated on me. Right? I am so confused, Tazi-Kat! I need an unbiased opinion on the matter. Care to give me one?

Signed,
Crazy In Love...Or Just Plain Crazy?

Dear Crazy (In Love?):

You say you have no "real proof" that Brady is physically cheating on you. Would a sexually transmitted infection be proof enough for you that he is cheating? Or would you allow him to convince you that you must have caught it from a dirty toilet seat, or from the steam room at the gym? From the tone of your letter, it sounds to me that you do not wish to be convinced that your boyfriend has been unfaithful to you.

Brady, by your own admission, has "alienated" several of your close friends. Do you wish to drive them away as well by staying with this man even though both your instincts and your investigation have told you that he has not been true to you? Since you ask for my unbiased opinion, I will give it: Leave. Leave now, and don't look back. If Brady insists on a reason, tell him the truth: that you feel you cannot trust him, and without trust a relationship cannot survive.

I realize that two and a half years is a significant amount of time to have invested in a relationship, but can you honestly see yourself spending another two and a half years with this man, knowing what you now know? Give yourself permission to feel angry, and you may be able to see the situation through clearer eyes. Once you have the twin monkeys of guilt and hurt feelings off of your back, you may discover that you don't miss Brady like you expected you would.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. Although you really should not have broken into your boyfriend's email account, that is another letter for another time!

Is Talking To An Ex The Same As Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

My girlfriend is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is truly the type of woman that other guys remember as "the one that got away". Knowing this, I will admit that I can act a little insecure sometimes; but I think I am right on the point I want to make to her.

"Amy" does not realize how beautiful she is, or how outgoing she can be with people. Sometimes an old boyfriend will find her on Facebook and try to start up a conversation with her, either through wall posts or email. I have her password, and have seen these emails on occasion while checking her account for her (per her request; she cannot always get on the Internet at work). Her comments and messages to these guys are always polite and friendly, but I am bothered by the fact that she never mentions me. I feel like she is trying to keep me a secret from her ex-boyfriends and I think this is tantamount to cheating.

I would like to say something to Amy regarding these emails and comments, but I do not want it to sound like I don't trust her. I simply want to know point-blank if she is planning on leaving me should the right ex-boyfriend come along. How do you think I should phrase this? Is there a way to start this conversation that will not come off as accusatory?

Signed,
Mike

Dear Mike:

You write that you believe her lack of comments about you to her old boyfriends is "tantamount to cheating" but then say that you "don't want to come off as accusatory". Well, which is it? To say you see an innocent email conversation as a form of cheating is rather accusatory, especially since these emails are coming to an account that she knows you can check. Are you certain you have not overstepped the bounds of Amy's trust in you?

Obviously, you have read the emails Amy has sent and received to/from her old boyfriends and they must be pretty benign if you have not said anything to her already. Some people are not comfortable talking about a "current" with an ex, just as some people are not comfortable talking about an ex with their current partner. The beauty of Facebook (in this situation) is that much of your life's details are visible on your personal page - including your relationship status and the length of your relationship, should you choose to add that information.

It is possible that Amy did not feel it necessary to mention that she was "In a relationship" because this information is prominently posted on her Facebook page, complete with a link to your Facebook page, should you have one. To beat that dead horse might be taken as an insult by her old boyfriend, who himself might be in a serious relationship and honestly interested in catching up with an old friend, as happens frequently through Facebook.

I believe that you are making mountains out of molehills. Amy trusts you enough to allow you to read her personal email. If there was anything in there that she did not want you to see, she would not be letting you in there. From the volume of email I receive on the subject, I would say that Facebook causes enough relationship issues already. Please do not go borrowing trouble, or you may find your girlfriend leaving you for entirely different reasons than you fear.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is An Online Affair Still Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

I feel like an idiot. I feel like I have been used. Worst of all, I feel like I have nobody to blame but myself. I know how you think that Facebook causes more relationship problems than any other social networking site, and you can add my story to that file.

I started dating "John" online about six months ago. (I have already changed his name, so please do not change it for me). He is an old friend that I found on Facebook, someone I have always crushed on. I saw from his page that he had a girlfriend and that they have been together for years so I asked him why they never got married and he told me it was because she was not ready. He did not offer any other explanation. At the time, he and his girl were going through a rough patch, and we started flirting online. I sent him some naughty pictures of myself, and he really seemed to like them so I sent him some more, figuring that sooner or later he and his girl would be breaking up and I would finally get a chance to date him in person.

This week, I went to John's girl's Facebook page because I saw on his page that she had tagged him in her status update. Her page isn't private, so I was able to see everything - pictures of them together, smiling and happy; love notes from him to her; and something that really steamed me, the status update where she tagged him. They had just returned from a romantic vacation to New England and she was bragging about how romantic he was. They did not look like a couple that was about to break up anytime soon.

I emailed John asking for an explanation, wanting to know why he went away on vacation with his girlfriend if things were so bad between them. He denied ever wanting to break up with her; said the "rough patch" only lasted a few weeks; and that he was an idiot to ever confide in me since it was obvious I took things the wrong way.

I want to send an email to John's girl (her address is listed on her Facebook profile) and tell her what a lying cheat her boyfriend really is, but I don't know if this will help or hurt my chances with John. What do you think I should do, Tazi? I know how you think honesty is the best policy. Should I be the bearer of bad news?

Signed,
Still Wanting Him

Dear Still Wanting Him:

You mention that you have been in an online relationship with John for six months. The fact that this relationship was a virtual one means it was never consummated, which means that as despicable as John's behavior was (accepting nude photos of another woman) it does not quite rise to the level of cheating, at least not in my book. What you have had with John is an affair of the heart, and from the sound of things it was pretty one sided. From what you write, it sounds to me like John is perfectly content to be with his current partner.

You ask me if it would be okay to email a woman you have never met - through Facebook - and tell her that her boyfriend of several years is a liar and a cheat. I think this is quite possibly the worst idea I have ever heard - even worse than the woman who wanted to marry a prison inmate. Here are the facts of the matter at hand:

1. John's girlfriend does not know you. Unless you have solid proof of illicit intentions - emails from John professing his feelings, naughty pictures of him, or anything even remotely questionable - this woman will have zero reason to believe you over John.

2. You say that John is an old friend that you have always "crushed on". Is this really how you want to treat an old friend? Yes, John was wrong to encourage you to send further nude photos of yourself, but you have to remember that the initial batch was sent unsolicited. It was you who pursued what you saw as an opportunity, not the other way around.

3. John does not sound interested in you as it is. Do you think destroying his relationship with a woman he obviously loves is going to improve your chances of landing him? If you answered "yes" to that question, slap yourself for me - it was rhetorical, and the answer is "no"!


I am getting a lot of mileage out of this pic lately!

I have re-read your letter a couple of times now, and from what you write it appears that all John is guilty of is grossly bad judgement in allowing an online flirtation to escalate. Since I know of very few men that would say no to receiving nude pictures of an attractive woman, I have to give John a pass on this one, regardless of my personal feelings on this matter. In my opinion, John has not cheated and any lies he has told have been lies of omission - because let's face it, what man is going to tell his girlfriend about something like this? It sounds to me that you are seeking my permission to seek revenge on John. Permission denied.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Hustling At Pool The Same As Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

About six months ago, I started dating a man I will call “Stan”. Stan is a great guy, but a few months ago – through no fault of his own – he got laid off from his job. Stan hit the pavement immediately in search of work, but after a few weeks; several dozen job applications; and no phone calls Stan started to get quite discouraged.

One non-work-related talent that Stan has is that he is an amazing pool player. He could play on a professional circuit if he made the effort, but he claims he does not want to travel or search for sponsors or any of the many things involved with such a venture. Instead, Stan has started abusing his talent hustling pool.

I have to admit that Stan is making excellent money by feigning bad shots – he plays well enough to keep people from getting suspicious; but then will purposely miss a complicated trick shot that he has made dozens of times, at which point he will pretend to lose his confidence and let his game go downhill, losing that game and several more. When Stan offers his victim the opportunity to play for high stakes – a chance to win his money back, he tells the person, his opponent jumps at the chance and Stan ends up having just good enough a game to win. The offer is then double or nothing, which is when Stan ends up fleecing his victim.

The dishonesty of what Stan is doing bothers me enough, but it is the fear that he is going to be found out and take a physical beating that keeps me awake at night. I have begged him to stop, but he just laughs and tells me I worry too much; that he never hits the same place twice and that he is very careful not to be discovered. He considers himself a businessman, not a hustler, because he only plays well enough to win; not well enough to embarrass his opponents. Am I overreacting, Tazi? Or is Stan skating on thin ice?

Signed,
Pool Lover’s Lady

Dear Pool Lover’s Lady:

I have to admire Stan’s class, since he only seeks to win big; not embarrass his opponents, but then I have to ask myself; how classy is it to deceive and hustle others? The answer is, it’s not. There are so many issues in play here; I will take them one by one:

To start, there is the matter of illegal gambling. If Stan is playing for high stakes, and he is winning large amounts of money, this constitutes fraud against his unemployment claim; which specifically asks if you have earned any income. Second, this is money that is not subject to taxation, something the State and Federal government would frown upon if they knew about it; and if Stan upsets the wrong person, the wrong people might find out about it!

Second are the ethical issues: When a person chooses to gamble, they are assuming a certain level of risk, figuring that they know the odds and whether or not those odds favor them. By hiding his talents, Stan is skewing the appearance of those odds in favor of his victim, while the true odds remain in his favor. Although this is not illegal, it is highly unethical and has me wondering just how “great” a guy Stan really is.

Third is the very real threat of physical harm befalling Stan over his choice to hustle pool. Stan may not hit the same place twice, but he is not taking into account the fact that not everyone frequents only one pub/bra/pool hall. All it will take is one person to recognize him and his gig is up. Stan is playing with fire, and the odds are that he will get burned.

You cannot control Stan’s behavior; all you can do is control how you react to it. You can explain to Stan all I have told you here, but I doubt that will make any difference. Therefore, the choice is yours: do you want to stay with Stan and continue to worry about how your near future will play out? Or do you feel the need to take a break until Stan decides which economic path is the right choice for him? I have to add, two weeks of looking for a job is hardly long enough to warrant discouragement to the point of giving up. I consider this reaction a huge red flag.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The "Other Woman" Really Isn't, But She Still Needs To Go!

Dear Tazi:

I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend since I moved away from his hometown two years ago.  We have had frequent visits back and forth to see each other and we call or Skype daily, but these past several months something has felt “off” between us.  Every time I mention this to him, he tells me I shouldn't worry, that he is just stressed over things at work.

I decided to surprise him with an unexpected visit this past weekend, but I was the one who got the surprise – when I found out that he has another woman living with him!  It turns out he met her in a bar one night and she was too drunk to drive home and had no money for cab fare (she drank it all up).  Since she lived on the other side of town, “Alan” let her crash on his couch – and she’s been there ever since!

Alan insists that there is nothing going on between them, that “Sheila” was out getting drunk that night because her roommate had kicked her out of their apartment.  He says he felt bad for her and that she had nowhere to go so he couldn't send her out into the street.  He also told me that Sheila is the real reason he has been so stressed lately.  He is afraid that she thinks something is eventually going to develop between them, even though he has made it clear to both of us that I am the only woman he loves.

Tazi, should I trust Alan at his word?  He has always been honest with me in the past, but we have never had anything this huge come between us.  Also, should I tell this woman that she can no longer live on my boyfriend’s couch, since I doubt Alan will tell her himself?

Signed,

#1 Lady

Dear #1 Lady:

It appears that your boyfriend is in a heap of #2, if you catch my meaning!  I can imagine your shock and indignation at discovering this lie of omission camping out on your boyfriend’s couch, and believe that your anger is understandable; your boyfriend DID lie to you about the true reason for his stress, but I believe this was a lie born out of fear of how you would react to his soft-heartedness for a woman in need.  This, however, does not let him off the hook!

How is it that you have visited your boyfriend over the past several months and not noticed evidence of another woman in the house?  Does he spend the week before your visit eradicating all evidence of her presence and then send her out drinking (and in search of someone else’s couch) just prior to your arrival?  Or have visits to his place stopped since Sheila moved onto his couch?

I hate to put it so bluntly, but your boyfriend is being a wimp.  He has admitted that having another woman in his life is stressing him out to the point where it is affecting his relationship with you, the woman he loves, yet he refuses to take steps to resolve the situation.  You and Alan need to sit down and have a serious talk about this disturbing situation.

Personally, I suggest getting a cat.  That should solve your problem in no time!

As much as you would like to tell Sheila to get OUT of your boyfriend’s apartment and out of his life it is not your place to do this; it is Alan’s, and he must man up and take care of the situation.  I suggest he set a date by which time Sheila must leave his house, and tell her that the locks will be changed on that day.  If her things are still there they will be packed up and put into a storage area for pick-up.  Once Alan explains the reality of the situation to Sheila her bubble that they will one day be together should burst.  If Alan refuses to take steps to rid himself of this other woman you will have to decide from there if can live with this or without him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

There Is A Difference Between Secrecy And Privacy

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and he is always keeping secrets from me!  "Joe" always goes out and doesn't tell me where he is going.  If I find out where he went it is because I asked, not because he told me.  I never know who he is texting or Facebooking on his phone - when I try to see he blocks the phone and tells me to cut it out, that I am invading his privacy.  I feel like Joe has two sides to his life; one that he shares with me and one that he does not.  I want to be part of his entire life, not just the parts he allows me to see.

Yesterday all [heck] broke loose and I am ready to end the relationship over his attitude.  Joe and I were hanging out when he got up to use the bathroom.  He left his phone behind, so I decided to check his text messages to see what he is hiding from me, but his phone was locked with a security code!  I see no reason why he has this feature, and I told him so when he got back.  Rather than give me an answer he demanded to know why I was trying to use his phone when I had mine with me.

I told Joe that I did not like that he keeps so many secrets from me and demanded that he let me see his call and text history.  He told me that he was not keeping secrets but that his phone history was a private matter and that I need to learn to trust him.  I told him to stop turning the issue into something that was my fault; that he is the one keeping secrets.  I gave him an ultimatum: his secrets or me.  He just stared at me, so I walked out before he responded.  Now I am wondering if I should call to demand his answer.

Signed,
Boyfriendless?

Dear Boyfriendless?:

There is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.  Secrecy is accompanied by feelings of guilt; fear that someone will find out what you are doing; and overly defensive behavior.  Privacy is a matter of respect for another's personal life.  For example, Joe should not have to tell you where he is at every moment of the day; nor should he have to tell you who he has been texting and what has been said.  If he is texting directly in front of you and ignoring you to have a text conversation with another this is rude, but it is still a private conversation.  If I were you I would worry if he left the room to talk or text; since he is doing it in front of you he is not keeping the conversation a secret, just private.

The fact that Joe is willing to tell you where he went after you discover that he went out tells me that he is not keeping secrets from you; rather, it sounds like you are insecure in your relationship.  Have boyfriends past cheated on you?  Has Joe ever done anything (within reason) to make you question his fidelity?  Joe could make more of an effort to make you feel like a part of his life, but trust me when I tell you that most of what he does when he is not with you would probably bore you to tears.  Do you really want to hear about his trip to the store to buy milk?  Or his text conversation with his best friend that consists of one word answers?

You were wrong to try and sneak a peek into Joe's call and text history; this is an invasion of privacy.  As for the security code on his phone, has it occurred to you that maybe Joe keeps sensitive personal information in there - like credit card numbers and other financial information?  Nowadays, a phone is a mini-computer; Joe is wise to keep a digital lock on it.

I think you should call Joe and apologize for issuing such an unreasonable ultimatum.  Explain to him that his behavior makes you feel insecure, and ask him to meet you halfway - you can work on your insecurities and he can work on opening up to you.  Relationships are about compromise; it is time the two of you start.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Entitled Prince At Home Finds Himself A Peasant Among School Peers

Dear Tazi:

I think I may have made a mistake in parenting my youngest child. "Roderick" is my child from my second marriage, and better than a decade younger than my other two children from my first marriage. Admittedly, we have all spoiled Roderick, making him feel special in ways that he is...well, average for a child his age.

Every milestone Roderick has made has been met with cheers of glory and celebration - from when he first started using a sippy cup to the first time he used the potty. No event was too small for us to cheer on Roderick, we all love him so much! I think this is where the problem started.

My family (husband and older children) and I would assist Roderick with age appropriate activities like puzzles and games whenever he started to get frustrated. We would let him think that he had accomplished the feat all by himself, and praise his good work. When we would play a board game or checkers with him we would always let him win, and if he was losing in spite of ourselves we would allow him to change the rules midway through the game so he was winning. We hated to see Roderick cry over something so silly.

Roderick started kindergarten this past September, and it was a difficult transition for him as well as me. I was used to having my little man home with me all day, so to have to hand him over to the teacher was heart-wrenching. I am afraid quite a few tears were shed by both of us those first few months. Roderick's first term did not go well. There were many parent-teacher conferences about his inability to play nice and make friends; apparently Roderick has gotten so used to being the center of attention and winning at everything that he does not know how to lose gracefully. He has taken to throwing tantrums in the classroom when things don't go his way, and the other kids make fun of him for it.

Now, I am not one of those parents who thinks her child is perfect, but I think the teacher should stand up for my Roderick when the other kids are picking on him or excluding him from playtime activities, and I told her so. I get the impression she thinks I am one of "those" parents, if you understand what I mean! Roderick has been complaining that he does not want to go back to school because the other kids are mean to him and that the teacher does not like him (he actually says that she "hates" him!). While I realize that there needs to be give and take on both sides, I don't think Roderick's teacher realizes this as she seems to want to put all of the blame squarely upon Roderick!

I have tried to get the school principal to intervene, but she just backs up Roderick's teacher. Tazi, I am willing to admit that my child was quite spoiled at home and that perhaps this was not the best course of action to take during his most formative years, but being bullied by his school mates while the teacher stands by and does NOTHING isn't exactly undoing the damage, now is it? In fact, I am certain that is is causing further damage to Roderick's psyche.

I would like to pull Roderick from this school and either send him to a private school or home school him myself. My husband is firmly against either course of action, saying that pulling Roderick from the public school and coddling him in private school will teach him that it is okay to run from a problem. He also refuses to allow me to home school Roderick, claiming I am not qualified to do so and he is not going to pay tuition to someone who is. Tazi, I have no idea where this attitude is coming from! My husband and I have always been on the same page when it comes to Roderick, or at least it seemed that we were, but now he is telling me that I must thrust my little boy out into the world to fend for himself! Isn't there a happy medium somewhere in between our two viewpoints? I am willing to compromise, but it seems that nobody else is!

Signed,
Good Mother

Dear Good Mother:

My Mommie tells me that I cannot have treats anytime I want, that too many treats will make me fat. She says she is being mean to be kind instead of killing me with kindness.

For once a dog has a good idea!

It sounds to me that you and your family have killed Roderick with kindness, metaphorically speaking. He is unable to function in a world where he does not get his way and is not celebrated for simply being. This alone would make for an extremely difficult transition for him, but the fact that you gave into your sorrow and cried with him as you "handed him over" to his teacher only added to your child's stress. So yes, you have made a few mistakes in parenting your son. I am glad that you can recognize them, but your refusal to help mend the result is what concerns me.

You say that Roderick's classroom teacher just stands there and allows the other children to pick on him. I find this highly unlikely, especially when you consider that your source of this information is your son. Could it be that the teacher reprimands the students for bullying but does not force them to play with a child who refuses to play by the rules? A kindergarten teacher must draw boundary lines for all children to obey - and forcing a child to play with someone whose behavior upsets them crosses a line. How do you think your son would feel if he were forced to play with a child he did not like? Well, it appears that your child is the one that the other children do not like.

I think a few sessions with the school's guidance counselor will be helpful to Roderick. Hearing the rules from an unbiased, outside source who is trained to deal with children's issues may help Roderick to see why his behavior has to change. Sometimes, the rules that exist at home do not exist outside the home. This is a basic rule that even the youngest of children can grasp. If you don't believe me, ask Grandma! There is a reason children behave differently at Grandma's than they do at home!

The counselor may even suggest a change of classroom to give Roderick a fresh start. I do not believe a change of schools (or even home-schooling, where the problem is rooted) is necessary. Speaking of behaving differently at home, the time has come to gradually introduce changes to Roderick's home life - and to tolerate the tears that come along with these changes. As painful as it sounds, it is the only way to help Roderick grow into a fully functioning citizen.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Requests An Open Marriage As Alternative To Divorce

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I have been together since we were 12 years old and were married while we we still just teenagers. I thought we had the kind of marriage that would last forever, but I am starting to think I was wrong. Lately, it seems everything that "Hunter" does annoys me, and I am starting to get out of the house with my girlfriends much more often just to get away from him.

Lately, I have been going to a local bar for karaoke and dancing, and I am discovering all the things I missed by marrying young - including the opportunity to date other men. Now, I don't have my eye on any one man in particular, but there are several that have expressed interest in me if I was interested! I don't particularly want to get divorced - I have young children and I don't want to screw them up, plus we would have to sell our house, divide our financial assets, and it is just easier to stay married. Plus, I really like my in-laws and I do still love my husband...I just want more.

I was reading an article in one of my magazines written by someone who has an open marriage, and I think I would like to give it a try! The more I think about it, the more it makes sense; an open marriage would let Hunter and I develop relationships with other people so we won't be at each other's throats all of the time. I think an open marriage would help Hunter and me appreciate each other more. Plus, I could go out dancing and have fun with other men and not feel guilty about wanting to go home with one of them when they ask me (so far, I have always said no, but I have wanted to say yes!).

I brought my idea up to Hunter and he has a different opinion than me on this subject. He went through the roof, accused me of wanting to cheat and said it's just as bad as cheating, and told me he would divorce me before he allowed me to start sleeping around with other men. Well excuse me, but I don't recall needing his permission to sleep with other men! He said that part was covered in our marriage vows and suggested that maybe I have forgotten what they said. Tazi, I have not forgotten; I just think that I will be better able to honor my husband if I had a little more excitement in my life! I have seriously thought this through and just need a convincing argument to get Hunter to go along with it. As I said, we have been together since we were kids and we are both 25 now. I like to think that my oen marriage idea will help us to grow as a couple, but Hunter thinks it will just tear us apart. What do you think?

Signed,
Wandering Eyes

Dear Wandering Eyes:

Do you know why I am the only cat that lives in my house, in spite of my Mommie's desire for another kitty to keep me company? Because I do not want another kitty to keep me company! Just as my Mommie is trying to use my "needs" as an excuse to fulfill her wants so you are trying to use the problems in your marriage as an excuse to cheat on your husband!

The next time you go out to a bar to dance or sing karaoke, why not ask your husband if he would like to come along? You seem to be fixated on all of the things you never got the chance to do because you married young. Did you ever think that maybe your husband feels like he missed out on something, too? His unhappiness could be why everything he does seems to annoy you.

You say that you are afraid that a divorce will mess up your children. Do you think having a mother who sleeps around is going to help them grow into well-adjusted adults? Do you really think your in-laws, who you claim to really like, are going to want to have anything to do with you if you turn into a philanderer? If you are only staying in your marriage for the financial benefits you are not being fair to anyone - your husband, your children, or yourself. You owe it to your family to try and work on your marriage before seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

I suggest that you make a list of the reasons you fell in love with your husband. How many of those reasons still exist? People change as they grow, and if you and your husband have not grown together you need to find the place where your paths changed direction and work towards coming together as a couple once more. This will not be easy - or as fun as flirting with random men who are looking for a one-night stand - but the process will lead to a renewed sense of fulfillment in your marriage.

I strongly suggest you seek counseling to deal with your marital issues as well as the problems within yourself. Why do you enjoy the attention from strangers so much that you would be willing to throw away your marriage in order to take your flirtations to the next step? All in all, you must remember that your husband can make decisions, too...and if you decide to start stepping out on him with other men, he may decide to step out on you - permanently. He has already threatened to divorce you; do not doubt that he will follow through with this threat and make your decisions from there.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Seeks Guilt-Free Way To Cheat On Her Boyfriend

Dear Tazi:

I have a new co-worker at work and at first I thought he was a real jerk but I have gotten to know him and have discovered that he is actually a nice guy. In fact, he is a very nice guy and I think I am falling for him. I think he might like me, too. The problem is that “Ralph” and I are both in committed relationships. I can’t speak for him, but I know I do not want to give up a solid and certain thing for something that might not work – then I would be left all alone and who wants that?

I am considering asking Ralph if he wants to get together after work for a drink or to watch the game (whatever game is on) or something like that, but even that feels too much like cheating, so I am organizing a karaoke night for me and all of my co-workers; a night to go out after work just us (no partners) so we can blow off some steam at the end of the work week.

Some of my co-workers have complained about not being able to bring a date, while those who are married with kids are looking forward to a night put without their spouses and kids. Ralph is still not certain if he will be going; he says he has to think about it because he would feel badly if he went out and had a good time and left his girlfriend at home alone. I have suggested that she make plans to go out with her friends, but he said it “wasn’t like that” with them. Huh?

I have worked really hard to put this karaoke night together, arranging with the club to have extra staff on to handle the crowd from work and passing the hat to pay for a hot and cold buffet. I have done all of this in the hope of spending some time with Ralph outside of work, and now he might not even come to the karaoke night???? Tazi, can you think of a way to convince Ralph to show up for the party – without his girlfriend? I really need this.

Signed,

Reevaluating My Relationship

Dear Reevaluating My Relationship:

Just because you are reevaluating does not mean that Ralph is, too. It is possible that he enjoys your company as a friend without having a romantic interest in you; it is also possible that he has a mild romantic interest in you, but nothing so pulsating that he would leave the woman he loves to be with you.  Let Ralph be to make up his own mind about whether to attend your karaoke night and then let the chips fall where they may.

Whether you want to admit it or not, your grand scheme for a karaoke night is nothing more than a guilt-free plan to cheat on your boyfriend. I suggest you remove Ralph from the equation and ask yourself if you actually want to stay with your boyfriend or if you are only with him because you are afraid of being alone. If you truly do love your boyfriend, work on your relationship; if you are only with him because there is no alternate to take his place, you need to make a tough decision – recommit to your relationship with your whole heart or leave; leaving things as-is is not going to work because sooner or later you will give in to the urge to cheat – if not with Ralph than the next attraction that comes along.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Buried Secrets Are Unearthed, Disaster Ensures

Dear Tazi:

I am sick, sick, sick of my sanctimonious aunt telling me how to live my life! “Aunt Clarissa” is the youngest daughter of the eldest son, and I am the eldest daughter of the youngest son, so we are only separated in age by four years, but we are ages apart when it comes to seeing reality.

Clarissa grew up with all the privileges because her father had all the privileges of being the eldest child. He had his life settled when his parents passed away, and used his inheritance to start his own business; my father on the other hand was in college when my grandparents died and had to use the small inheritance he was left to pay his way through his last two years of school. These fortunes found their way to the next generation, with Clarissa going to exclusive private schools and having her college tuition paid for her (Ivy League, of course!) while I wet to public school and took out loans to pay the balance of my tuition that wasn’t covered by financial aid (at the state college).

My whole life I have had to deal with Clarissa telling me what to do and how to do it if I wanted to succeed in the “upper circle” in life. She would criticize my clothes, my hairstyle, my friends, my study habits – you name it! By the time I got to college I was used to her “guidance” and could tune her out whenever she tried to “advise” me on what courses to take. She didn’t even have the same major as me!

After graduating college, Clarissa went to work for her father’s company in a job tailor-made for her. She was given a huge salary and a corner office. When she decided to go out on her own, it was with her father’s blessing – and start-up funding! After a rough first year she managed to get her business on track and is quite successful, and I am happy for her. I really am; I am not so aggravated that I would wish failure upon her.

I graduated college two years ago, and am ready to leave the entry-level job I have been working but am having trouble finding the right job in this difficult economy. While I would love to eventually open my own firm, the time is just not right – I still owe around $20,000 in student loans and I need a new car. I would like to pay off my student debt, buy a car, and have some savings to cushion me before I take on a business loan and a new venture. I made the mistake of mentioning these goals to another (older) aunt at a recent family get-together when Clarissa swooped in with her advice.

In front of my whole family, Clarissa started to lecture me on how you need to seize the moment; that if you wait for the perfect time to start a new venture you will never begin it. She then used herself as an example of someone who “made the leap of faith into the world of entrepreneurship” and how it was the best decision she ever made. Tazi, I am embarrassed to say that I lost it on Clarissa. I told her that she was nothing more than a spoiled little rich girl who has always had everything handed to her; I pointed out that she graduated college debt-free, accepted an overpaid job with her father, and then took his money to start her own business, risk free. It was at this point an uncle spoke up, and things got even uglier.

“Uncle Joe” accused Clarissa’s father of taking advantage of their parents’ finances in order to “fleece them blind” before they died. Apparently he had borrowed quite heavily from them to purchase his first home, which he flipped for a whole lot more money; when Grandma and Grandpa died (in a car accident) nobody knew about the debt until several years later, long after the estate was settled and it was too late to seek reimbursement. Before too long, it became a free-for-all with everyone attacking Clarissa and her father – Clarissa for her attitude, her father for his dishonesty. I felt like a jerk for starting it all and quietly slipped out of the party and went home.

It has been three weeks since the blow-out, and Clarissa has not been seen in public. She has not shown for work and her business (an exclusive boutique) has not been monitored. Her salesgirls say that the books have not been balanced because the registers have not been cashed out and that sales are down because popular inventory cannot be replaced because suppliers have not been paid. Much of what she sells is hand-crafted by local artisans who sell on consignment! The salesgirls have actually had to take money from the registers to pay themselves; leaving slips in the drawer with the amounts they were owed!

I would like to call Clarissa and at least offer to get her store back in shape (I am an Accountant) but I am afraid of how she would react if she hears my voice. I have asked other family members to call, but they have said that what Clarissa does it her business, and that they are far too upset with her father to do anything about the situation. One uncle is talking about suing Clarissa’s father for repayment of the loan he took all those years ago, with interest and penalties. The whole situation is such an embarrassing mess for Clarissa that I can see why she doesn’t want to be seen in public; ours is a small town, and gossip travels fast. Should I call Clarissa? Walk into her store and take the reins until she is ready to return? What?

Signed,

Regretful Niece

Dear Regretful Niece:

I think the first thing you should do is call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on Clarissa. The fact that she has been incommunicado for the last three weeks – neglecting her business and her bills – screams for an intervention. With any luck, she had just been hiding and has not done anything to harm herself.

I think the second thing you should do is stop by her house and tell her that you are sorry that you blew up at her, that you had no idea things would explode so horribly all over her and her father, and to tell her that her business is in need of attention and that you will see to it until she is ready to face the world again. Seeing someone else take charge of her business may be what Clarissa needs to be jolted out of her shock and depression. If it is not, follow through and see that the registers are cashed out, the books balanced, the payroll completed, and the artisans paid. You may need to take some vacation time if you cannot complete all of this in your down time, but that is all a part of being a family – making the uncomfortable sacrifices in order to come together during hard times.

Try to understand Clarissa’s point of view: this princess has been knocked off of her throne. She has just discovered that her father is a thief who built his fortune on the rightful inheritance of others. Her entire life has been built upon that theft; everything she thought she knew about her father and herself has been tossed about like confetti into a strong wind. Until now, she has had the cushion of her father’s money to soften life’s blows; now, even that is poison to her. I know it will be difficult, but try to take the high road and find it in your heart to feel some kind of compassion for Clarissa; she is going to need it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

One Man's Fantasy Quickly Becomes A Nightmare

Dear Tazi:

I am a horrible, horrible man. I got drunk at a party and cheated on my girlfriend with her twin sister, who I got pregnant. I knew what I was doing so I took advantage of things when her sister came onto me, telling me that she has always wanted me.

After I sobered up I pretended that nothing happened and never told my girlfriend. When her sister told me she was pregnant I congratulated her and asked who the father was, and then acted like I had no clue what she was saying when she said it was mine. She hasn't told her sister yet – she wants me to tell her – but I know if I do I will lose my girlfriend forever.

I have offered to pay for an abortion, but she says she wants to keep the baby and would like me to be an active part of its life. Tazi, I want to eventually marry my girlfriend and this is seriously going to mess up that plan. I am thinking of telling my girlfriend that her sister tricked me while I was drunk and that I thought I was having sex with her (my girlfriend) and not her sister, but I am afraid if I do that she will never speak to her sister again and I don’t want that to happen, either. Can you think of any way out of this problem?

Signed,

Seeing Double

Dear Seeing Double:

If you are immature enough to get so stumbling drunk that you are willing to throw caution to the wind and have (unprotected) sex with someone other than your girlfriend than I think you are a long ways away from being mature enough to get married. What you have done to your girlfriend is despicable and I will not give you my blessing to dump the blame for your actions on her sister. While the pregnant twin is not entirely blameless – she did come onto you with the hope of bedding you – it takes two to tango.

I think the two of you should sit down with your girlfriend and tell her together what you have done. Expect her to be angry, expect her to be hurt, expect her to never want to speak to either of you again…but in time, expect her to want to know WHY the two of you would do such a thing to her! I suggest you start to think long and hard about how to answer any questions she may have for you.

Because there is a child involved – yours – and your girlfriend is going to be an aunt to her (soon to be ex?) boyfriend’s child there is simply no way for all of you to avoid being in each other’s lives, so I suggest that you find an experienced and well-qualified family counselor NOW and work towards working through the anger and the hurt that all of you must be feeling. If your girlfriend refuses to go, go without her and ask her to join you when she feels ready to discuss things.

You are going to have to step up to the plate and be man; you are going to be a father whether you are ready or not. Your child’s mother has asked you to be involved in the baby’s life and although it does not seem like it now, as the years pass I think you will decide that your child is the greatest blessing life could have ever bestowed upon you. Give that child all that it deserves by working to heal the hurts caused by your actions so his/her presence isn’t a constant reminder of questionable behavior.

No Snuggles For You!

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Flirting Cheating? Does It Promise Commitment?

Dear Tazi:

I am both angry and heartbroken right now. I have been in love with a cousin of my friend for several years. We have always flirted with each other, but I now think it meant more to me than it did to him. He was married when I met him, so I kept my distance. When he and his wife split, I decided I would wait a reasonable amount of time after his separation – six months – before asking him on a date. Three months after he moved out of his house he introduced his new girlfriend to his family! He had only met her a few weeks before, so as hurt as I was I didn’t think it would last; that was five years ago.

“Chad” continues to flirt with me when “Katie” is not around, but when she is he completely ignores me. Katie does not like me because she thinks I am after her man. I admit that I come on strong around him, even when she is there, but if only she knew the whole story! The last time I saw Chad, I asked him straight if he was going to leave Katie, like he has been saying he wants to for the past few years. Chad reassured me that he did, but said that he was waiting for Katie to recover from cervical cancer. I loved him even more for his dedication to standing by a woman in sickness, because I thought he would do the same for me.

Katie recently missed an engagement party that Chad and I both attended, and we danced together the entire evening. I found myself imagining that It was our engagement party! When I asked about him and Katie, he told me she was not well enough to attend and thanked me for my concern about her. I was not asking out of concern for her!

A few weeks after the party I saw Chad with Katie at a First Communion party, and she looked fantastic! I overheard her telling the engaged couple that she was sorry that she missed their party but that she was finishing work on her Master’s thesis in preparation for her graduation this summer. I was very surprised to hear that she was finishing a graduate program, especially while she was supposedly so sick, and I asked her about it. She told me that she has been cancer-free for almost a year now, and that she continued to go to school during her illness since chemotherapy was not needed. How sick could she have been???

That afternoon at the party Chad was glued to Katie’s side, looking at her like she was the only woman in the world. The only time he even spoke to me was when he was taking a group picture and asked me to “move into the picture or out of it” since I was halfway out of the camera view. I have never been so hurt! I am disgusted that Chad has lied to me like this, and think I am owed an explanation and the truth about if he is ever going to leave Katie. Where do I go from here, Tazi? I am considering telling Katie everything!

Signed,

Doubly Duped

Dear Doubly Duped:

While I am sorry that your heart is breaking, this is the risk you took by chasing after an unavailable man. I realize that you loved Chad first, but even before he met Katie he was unavailable to you because he was married. If he was truly interested in being with you – and not just looking for a boost to his ego – he would have made his move before meeting Katie. This is a harsh truth you will need to accept.

Unlike most humans, we cats know we are sexy beasts!

You need to ask yourself what telling Katie everything will accomplish. What exactly is “everything”? Have you ever kissed Chad or had any kind of physical contact beyond dancing? Was your flirtation light and playful or full of sexual promises? Some couples do not mind if one partner flirts, so long as they do not cross the line; others consider flirting a form of infidelity. Are you hoping that Katie will consider Chad’s flirting cheating? If you were able to break them up, do you think that Chad will be grateful to you or angry? Be honest with yourself. Furthermore, how will your friend react when she discovers that you are the one who caused trouble in her cousin’s relationship?

Some men enjoy flirting. Just as a woman may be completely committed to her partner, some still find it nice to be complimented by another man – even though they have no intentions of leaving their partner, it is nice to know that others still find them attractive. Since men are generally the aggressors when it comes to asking someone on a date, some will flirt. Even though they have no plans on leaving – or cheating on – their partner, it is still nice to know that they can gain the attention of an attractive woman. [Ed. Note: In the case of a same-sex relationship, change the pronouns accordingly]. It appears that this is what has been happening between you and Chad.

While I personally find Chad’s behavior hurtful – to both you and Katie – I do not think you should sink to his level and attempt to destroy him as he has destroyed you. Instead, take the high road; the next time Chad tries to flirt with you let him know that your time is reserved for men who are serious about you, and not lying flirts. Then, walk away. Until that time, try to find comfort among good friends, sad movies, and a carton of ice cream. My preference is chocolate chip.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. A localized cancer, like cervical cancer, may not always require chemotherapy. That dsoes not, however, mean the cancer is not serious! Shame on you for suggesting that!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Online Flirting Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

I think my husband might be cheating, but I am not certain. A single friend of mine was on a dating website and saw his picture and a profile, claiming he was single and looking! She responded, pretending to be an interested party, and he wrote back to her! She said the emails went on for about a week, with him saying he would like to meet her, but when she tried to pin him down for a firm date he never responded. This is when she told me to see if he recognized her as my friend (he has never met her, so no) or to see if he was simply looking to flirt with other women, like a lot of men do on online dating sites (according to her).

Tazi, I am puzzled as to why my friend would do this to me - what if my husband really was looking? She says she would not have accepted a date with him, but I am not certain I can believe her. I want to approach my husband about his online profile, but I don't know if I should. If I tell him how I discovered it, I am afraid he will try to turn the situation around and accuse me of spying on him and setting him up! My husband is always at home, and when he does go out it is usually with me, so I can't see where he would have time to cheat. I don't recognize any new female faces among his Facebook friends, and I checked his cell phone and did not find any unfamiliar numbers in the call log. My friend suggested that he might be using a burn phone to call them and a fake Facebook account to socialize. My head is spinning and I don't know what to do next!

Signed,
Loving Wife

Dear Loving Wife:

The first thing I would do is stop listening to your friend! While I can understand why she thinks she is looking out for you her behavior and her comments are only bringing distance between you and the trust you have for your husband.

I will say that your friend is correct on one issue: a lot of happily committed men will "window shop" on dating websites not because they want to see what is out there but because they want an ego boost. When is the last time you told your husband how handsome he looks? When was the last time you called him sexy and gave him a long, lingering kiss? I have often said that just because a woman does not want another man does not mean she doesn't appreciate the fact that other men want her. Men feel the same way, but are usually expected to be the aggressor in a relationship; therefore, they window shop for compliments. It is not a very nice thing to do - raising the hopes of women who are seeking romance with a nice man - but it does not mean that these men (your husband included) are looking to cheat. The fact that he cut off all contact when your friend tried to initiate a date speaks to his loyalty to you.

You have investigated the matter on your own and found no evidence that your husband is cheating. I doubt he is using a burn phone and fake social media accounts - that is the stuff out of Harlequin romance novels. Whether or not you want to address this situation with your husband is a choice only you can make. If you do tell him, you must be prepared for how he will react; his feelings may run the gamut from guilt to anger and he may try to deflect blame from himself onto you. Such a confrontation may not be something you are ready to handle. If I were you, I would gently mention that I think someone is playing a practical joke on your husband by placing a personal ad with his picture and flirting with the women who respond. (This, too, is a possibility). This will give him the chance to see how hurt you are by this behavior and to take down the profile before it can do any more damage. It will also allow you to give him a second chance at making things right between the two of you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Learns the Hard Way Not To Loan Out Her Credit Cards

Dear Tazi:

I am in deep financial trouble and I don’t know how to get out of it. While we were dating, I allowed my now ex-boyfriend “Roger” to use my credit cards for emergency purchases, like clothes for work or gas to put in his car. He had been out of work for a while before we met, so when he found a job he had no good clothes to wear to it or any way to buy gas to get there until his first paycheck. Because he had to be added to the payroll, and there was a mix-up with his social security number it took him almost a month to get his first paycheck. After he got paid, rather than pay me back the money he owed me, he decided to go out and celebrate his new job with his friends, leaving me at home.

I figured Roger would pay me back the money he owed me when he got his next paycheck (he gets paid every two weeks), but that was the end of the month and his rent and utilities were due, so I figured I would have to wait another few weeks. Two weeks later, when I asked Roger for the money, he dumped me. He said he couldn't stay with someone who was going to constantly pester him about money.

Tazi, I feel so used, but that is only part of the problem. Roger charged almost $2,000 to my credit card for fancy clothes, shoes, and other things he said he needed for work. I do not have the money to pay this off, and can no longer afford to make the minimum payment, which has gone up because the balance is so high.

I have tried talking to the credit card company to tell them that the purchases obviously were not mine, so I should not have to pay for them; Roger is the one they should be harassing for money. The credit card companies have told me that unless Roger stole my card or otherwise used it without my permission I am responsible for the charges. I tried going to the police, but they told me that since I gave Roger permission to use my credit card it is a civil matter, not a criminal one, and they cannot help me.

Tazi, Roger has changed his phone number so I can no longer call him to ask him to pay me the money back, and my credit is in a downward spiral so I can’t even take out a bank loan to pay off the credit card. There is no one in my life who will loan me money; my own mother told me that if I can’t pay my credit cards what expectation others have that I will pay them? I looked into going to a payday loan service, but the interest rate is even higher than the rate on my credit cards, with less time to pay back the balance.

Tazi, would you be able to loan me the money to pay off my credit cards?

Signed,

Tapped Out

Dear Tapped Out:

No. No I will not loan – or give – you the money to pay off your credit cards. For one I don’t know you; for another I am not a bank; and, to give a third reason, if I had the money to loan it would go straight to my Mommie to put towards her student loans. An education is an expensive thing – something you have learned by getting schooled by your ex-boyfriend.

I am printing your letter as a warning to others not to trust their financial stability with someone they hardly know. You do not say for how long you and Roger were dating, but mention that he was out of work before you met, and presumably found a job around the time you started dating. This means you were together less than a month when you gave him free reign with your credit cards.

Since you cannot make the minimum payment on your credit cards, I suggest you talk to the card issuer about working out a payment plan. Your ability to make purchases will probably be suspended during this time but at least your credit will start to improve. Do not refuse to pay the balance on your credit accounts – the purchases may not have been for you, but they were made with your permission which means you are responsible for paying the bill.

You may be able to recover some of your loss in small claims court, which would mean suing Roger for a breach of agreement, but you must be able to prove that Roger agreed to pay the charges he put on your credit account. This will be difficult if Roger was not listed as an additional user on your account. Sad to say, it looks like you will have to chalk this loss up to experience – and know to never loan out your credit cards again.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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Culture Clash Causes Relationship Misunderstanding

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend “Elton” is from England, so he has that wonderful British accent that makes women (including me) melt. He also has a habit of calling people by terms of endearment instead of their first names. All men are “chap” or “mate” or something equally innocuous, but the women are all “honey” or “sweetie”, which gets on my nerves.

Elton is a very good looking man with a charming personality. Combine that with his accent, and you can see how women might take his personal attention the wrong way. Elton does not believe that there is a problem, saying that women never actually come on to him, but I argue that that is because women generally flirt and wait for the man to ask them on a date – which I know Elton would never do; he is very faithful to me.

I asked Elton to make a New Year’s resolution to be more aware of what he calls people, and to stop using terms of endearment and to start calling people by their first names. Elton balked at this, saying that his “vernacular” is a minor issue, and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. When I pressed him, he argued that there are a lot of things I do that annoy him, but he ignores them. When I asked him to name ONE annoying habit of mine, he couldn’t; he just said that there are several and that there is no need to make a big deal out of them, that they are a part of who I am and that he loves me as I am. I think Elton is merely trying to charm his way out of changing; he is saying that I am looking for trouble where there isn’t any. He has agreed to try, but refused to make a resolution of it, which I feel is disrespectful to my feelings. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I should, Tazi? Or is Elton wrong, even as he insists he is not “marginalizing my concerns”?

Signed,

“Marginalized”

Dear “Marginalized”:

If I had to take a guess, I would say that your annoying habits include making a big deal out of nothing; always needing to be right; and just maybe thinking that you are perfect.

Different cultures have different protocols; not every culture is like our American one, where a term of endearment constitutes flirting. The fact that Elton calls men “mate” or “chap”, and does not reserve endearments exclusively for women, speaks to the fact that such speech patterns are a part of his culture; to demand that he change this would be like him demanding that you stop using the word “dude” or other American slang so ingrained in your vocabulary that you probably do not even realize that you are using it.

I rule that you should cut Elton some slack here. I do not believe that he is “marginalizing your concerns”; I believe that he has given careful consideration to your concerns and finds them to be overblown and even insulting. Seen from Elton’s point of view, you are accusing him of hitting on every woman with whom he comes in contact, from the teenage cashier at the grocery store to the elderly librarian. Not every woman is comfortable being called such names by just anyone; while you may think they are swooning over Elton, many are not. Women who come in regular contact with Elton will soon realize that he is not coming on to them, that the terms of endearment he uses are a cultural thing.

I do not suggest that you swallow your concerns; talking about them to Elton was the healthy thing to do in order to keep your relationship running smoothly. However, you do not appear to have listened to Elton’s answers, especially the part where he said that he loves you, faults and all. Rather than force a resolution on him, why not make one for yourself to love your boyfriend as he is, annoying habits and all. Nobody is perfect...not even us cats!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tall, Dark, And Handsome Only Goes So Far...

Dear Tazi:

I am from the Pacific Northwest and my wife is from Northeast Kentucky. We grew up with very different upbringings, and even though we have been married for almost ten years now (together for twelve) I sometimes wonder if she married me because she loved me or because I was an acceptable choice to her family. I say this because I think my wife prefers the forbidden fruit: black men. Where she is from, interracial dating is frowned upon, to put it mildly.

“Beth” gets all excited and claps her hands like a little kid whenever she sees a movie trailer for a show starring Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, or Will Smith. She exclaims that she “simply MUST see that movie” and begs me to take her on the opening night. I love my wife, and I know how much she loves going to the movies (something she did not get to do growing up, since she grew up poor), so I always oblige her. During the show, she is obviously enjoying the show; but I am not sure if it is because of the plot or who is in it. I have asked Beth why she likes black actors so much, but she just looked at me funny and said that she liked good actors. I dropped the issue with her, but it is still gnawing at my mind. The summer movie season is here, so I have a feeling I will be seeing a lot more of these three men on the big screen. Am I being unreasonable and insecure, Tazi? Or do you think my wife would prefer tall, dark, and handsome to a plain guy like me?

Signed,
Short, Pale, and Average Looking

Dear Short, Pale, and Average Looking:

I had to think about your predicament for a bit, so I decided to take a nap on it. While snuggling into my favorite blanket, the following thought came to me: Is Eddie Murphy on your wife’s list, too? I have to ask because Denzel Washington and Samuel L. Jackson are two of the best dramatic actors in Hollywood today. Rarely do they sign on to a bad script (I will excuse Snakes on a Plane because of its awesome title), so when they headline a movie you can pretty much be guaranteed that the show will be worth the price of admission. Will Smith has proven himself to be an excellent dramatic actor, too (The Pursuit of Happyness; I Am Legend); but has been known to make more that a few bad choices, especially when it comes to comedies (I won’t hold Men in Black II against him, since he was contractually obligated to do it, but what was he thinking with Wild, Wild West?). This brings me to the Eddie Murphy factor:

Once upon a time, Eddie Murphy was an amazing actor. 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, Dreamgirls – drama, comedy, or a combination of the two Mr. Murphy was the best. Then, he made a box-office bomb called The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which is considered one of the biggest box-office flops EVER. In order to compensate for this mistake, Murphy lost his edge and has mostly concentrated on playing Donkey ever since. Therefore, if you wife has included anything recent by Eddie Murphy on her list of must-see movies, I would say that your suspicions are correct. Otherwise, you recommend that you take her at her word. Remember that tall, dark, and handsome only goes so far; it is what's on the inside of the package that counts!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If Mr. Murphy is reading this, I want you to know that I loved you in Tower Heist! Here's to hoping you're getting your groove back!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.