Is Flirting Cheating? Does It Promise Commitment?

Dear Tazi:

I am both angry and heartbroken right now. I have been in love with a cousin of my friend for several years. We have always flirted with each other, but I now think it meant more to me than it did to him. He was married when I met him, so I kept my distance. When he and his wife split, I decided I would wait a reasonable amount of time after his separation – six months – before asking him on a date. Three months after he moved out of his house he introduced his new girlfriend to his family! He had only met her a few weeks before, so as hurt as I was I didn’t think it would last; that was five years ago.

“Chad” continues to flirt with me when “Katie” is not around, but when she is he completely ignores me. Katie does not like me because she thinks I am after her man. I admit that I come on strong around him, even when she is there, but if only she knew the whole story! The last time I saw Chad, I asked him straight if he was going to leave Katie, like he has been saying he wants to for the past few years. Chad reassured me that he did, but said that he was waiting for Katie to recover from cervical cancer. I loved him even more for his dedication to standing by a woman in sickness, because I thought he would do the same for me.

Katie recently missed an engagement party that Chad and I both attended, and we danced together the entire evening. I found myself imagining that It was our engagement party! When I asked about him and Katie, he told me she was not well enough to attend and thanked me for my concern about her. I was not asking out of concern for her!

A few weeks after the party I saw Chad with Katie at a First Communion party, and she looked fantastic! I overheard her telling the engaged couple that she was sorry that she missed their party but that she was finishing work on her Master’s thesis in preparation for her graduation this summer. I was very surprised to hear that she was finishing a graduate program, especially while she was supposedly so sick, and I asked her about it. She told me that she has been cancer-free for almost a year now, and that she continued to go to school during her illness since chemotherapy was not needed. How sick could she have been???

That afternoon at the party Chad was glued to Katie’s side, looking at her like she was the only woman in the world. The only time he even spoke to me was when he was taking a group picture and asked me to “move into the picture or out of it” since I was halfway out of the camera view. I have never been so hurt! I am disgusted that Chad has lied to me like this, and think I am owed an explanation and the truth about if he is ever going to leave Katie. Where do I go from here, Tazi? I am considering telling Katie everything!

Signed,

Doubly Duped

Dear Doubly Duped:

While I am sorry that your heart is breaking, this is the risk you took by chasing after an unavailable man. I realize that you loved Chad first, but even before he met Katie he was unavailable to you because he was married. If he was truly interested in being with you – and not just looking for a boost to his ego – he would have made his move before meeting Katie. This is a harsh truth you will need to accept.

Unlike most humans, we cats know we are sexy beasts!

You need to ask yourself what telling Katie everything will accomplish. What exactly is “everything”? Have you ever kissed Chad or had any kind of physical contact beyond dancing? Was your flirtation light and playful or full of sexual promises? Some couples do not mind if one partner flirts, so long as they do not cross the line; others consider flirting a form of infidelity. Are you hoping that Katie will consider Chad’s flirting cheating? If you were able to break them up, do you think that Chad will be grateful to you or angry? Be honest with yourself. Furthermore, how will your friend react when she discovers that you are the one who caused trouble in her cousin’s relationship?

Some men enjoy flirting. Just as a woman may be completely committed to her partner, some still find it nice to be complimented by another man – even though they have no intentions of leaving their partner, it is nice to know that others still find them attractive. Since men are generally the aggressors when it comes to asking someone on a date, some will flirt. Even though they have no plans on leaving – or cheating on – their partner, it is still nice to know that they can gain the attention of an attractive woman. [Ed. Note: In the case of a same-sex relationship, change the pronouns accordingly]. It appears that this is what has been happening between you and Chad.

While I personally find Chad’s behavior hurtful – to both you and Katie – I do not think you should sink to his level and attempt to destroy him as he has destroyed you. Instead, take the high road; the next time Chad tries to flirt with you let him know that your time is reserved for men who are serious about you, and not lying flirts. Then, walk away. Until that time, try to find comfort among good friends, sad movies, and a carton of ice cream. My preference is chocolate chip.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. A localized cancer, like cervical cancer, may not always require chemotherapy. That dsoes not, however, mean the cancer is not serious! Shame on you for suggesting that!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Other Woman" Had No Idea "Her" Man Was Someone Else's

Dear Tazi:

I have been seeing a man for six months, and I have fallen deeply in love with him. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I believed him. He travels a lot for work, so I did not think much of his absences from my life until I got an email from his wife! She found a message from me in his open email account. It turns out he is married and has a family, and his "business trips" were actually how he got away from her to see me, and vice-versa. When he was with me, he would tell his wife he was away on business; when he needed to be with her and his children, he would tell me he had a business trip. The worst part is he doesn't need to travel for business at all! He lied to me when I met him (he was actually on a family vacation when he came to my town!).

He told me that he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me. He told me that he was going to divorce his wife so we could be together, just as soon as his children were out of school for the summer. One of them has been struggling, and he thinks the trauma would set the child back in his studies. I believed him until his wife sent me a second email with a scanned copy of the divorce papers attached to it. It turns out she filed for divorce as soon as she found out about me.

Tazi, I feel sick! Not only has my boyfriend lied to me, I feel like a home-wrecker! Had I known he was married I would never have gotten involved with him. I emailed his wife back and told her this, but she simply responded that what was done was done and could not be undone. I want to break up with my boyfriend over this whole fiasco, but I am not sure that I should. On the one hand, he lied to me and turned me into something I never thought I would be - the other woman. To stay with him would reward his bad behavior and make me feel like he only chose me because his wife left him. Who wants someone else's sloppy seconds? Not me! On the other hand, I still love him and would hate it if he found someone else. I feel like this is my one chance to find happiness with the man I love...and yet I am hesitant.to move forward. What would you suggest, Tazi?

Signed,
The Other Woman

Dear The Other Woman:

I can understand why you are reeling from this whole situation, which is probably why you are unable to think clearly. The man you love has turned out to be someone else entirely, and it appears that you are desperately trying to convince yourself that this is not true and that he really does exist. Whether his soon-to-be ex-wife is emailing you out of spite, concern for your future, or a little of both must be set aside for the moment so you can look at the cold, hard facts of the matter:

1. Your boyfriend lied to you about being married, about having to travel for work, and about initiating a divorce to be with you. Not only is this a long record of lies, but it leads to questions about what actually is true.

2. If this man was not traveling for work, who was paying his travel expenses? Was he financially stable enough to cover them personally? Was he maxing out his credit cards to come see you? Was he embezzling funds from work? These are serious questions that need honest answers.

3. Is anything that you love about this man a part of who he really is, or is it all part of a facade that he created to impress you?

I think the most important thing you need to look at is the fact that you met this guy while he was on vacation with  his family! What kind of louse would walk away from his family for a fling with a woman he just met? What lies was he telling his wife and children in order to get away from them to come spend time with you?

I realize that your heart is broken, and several pints of ice cream and a Sex and the City marathon will be required to heal it, but in the end I would say that this man's not worth your tears, and that his soon-to-be ex-wife did you a favor by revealing his true colors to you. His lies could not have gone on forever, and the longer you two stayed together, the deeper and more tangled those lies would become.

At this point, you have done nothing wrong; you did not know he was married, so you are a victim, too. If you choose to continue to see this man you will become an accomplice to his vile behavior. That hesitancy you feel is your conscience telling you to do the right thing and walk away.

Extra Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.