Love Triangle Causes Rift Between Brothers

Dear Tazi:

Have you ever watched the Audrey Hepburn movie Sabrina, the one where two brothers compete for the same woman? I am in a similar situation as that, and I need someone to referee. I will call the woman in question "Katherine".

My brother and I are both divorced and in our fifties, so we are not kids. Katherine is about a dozen years younger than both of us and has never been married, although she has not lacked for male attention. Until recently, I thought her reason for avoiding marriage was because she had never bothered to grow up; but I could not have been more wrong about this amazing woman.

I have always known Katherine from the community but never paid any attention to her except to say hello when our paths crossed. My brother knows Katherine better than I because his ex-wife used to babysit her; however, I never knew he harbored feelings for her until I asked her on a date. That was when [everything] broke loose.

I recently attended a charity fundraiser as a way to network with some business acquaintances (and to support a worthy cause) when I spotted Katherine talking to a potential client of mine like they were old friends. I was surprised to see her there, but was pleased when she waved me over to join the conversation so she might excuse herself for a moment. It was in talking with my potential client that I discovered there is more to Katherine than I realized. I discovered that she is not chronically unemployed and a career student, but works from home as an Event Planner and holds two Masters degrees. I also discovered that she donates her talents to charities and was on the planning board for that evening's event. Seeing her in this new light I was completely taken with her and barely left her side all evening. Before the night was over, I had a date with her for the following weekend.

My mother happened to see a photo from the charity event in the Society pages of the local newspaper. It was a group photo, but my proximity to Katherine caught her eye. My mother has always loved Katherine (they are in the same garden club) so she posted the picture on the refrigerator, which is where my brother saw it when he came to visit. This is where things got ugly.

I won't give you a blow-by-blow, but suffice to say my brother has expressed interest in dating Katherine. He claims that he has been waiting for the right time to ask her out, out of respect for his ex-wife's relationship to her. Tazi, it has been five years since my brother's divorce and he has dated a string of women in that time. It has been seven years since my divorce, and I have dated one woman (a long term relationship that ended two years ago). I am not one to ask a woman out on a whim, and I think Katherine and I really have a connection. My brother has told me if I go out with Katherine I can cross him off of my Christmas card list. I think he is being selfish, he thinks I am being traitorous. I asked our youngest brother to moderate the argument, but he refused to get involved. I saw a copy of your column taped to my mother's refrigerator and thought, "Why not?".

Signed,
"Linus"

Dear "Linus":

It was only after I looked over the IMDB listing for Sabrina that I understood your signature. I suppose I am going to have to watch the movie now, huh? With regard to your problem, I have one question for your brother: Is Katherine even interested in you? As for you, what made you view Katherine in such a negative light before you got to know her better? A Paw Slap of Disgust for each of you, and be glad I am not forwarding your letter to the woman who gives out throat punches!


Photo courtesy of LOL Cats
If this woman means all that your brother claims she means to him, why has he been dating a string of other women while biding his time to ask Katherine out on a date? If she is at all interested in him this has to have broken her heart! It sounds to me that he is jealous because you have "scored" something he wants but cannot have - a date with this woman.

Since Katherine accepted a date with you - that will have most likely occurred by the time this letter is printed - it would be rude of you to suddenly break off all contact with her. If things are going well with Katherine, I say continue to see her. Your brother will have to grow up and get over it. If things are not all that you hoped between you and Katherine, graciously bow out and allow your brother the opportunity to ask her on a date. Whatever you choose to do, you and your brother need to stop talking about Katherine like she is a piece of property. She is a woman, with feelings and a mind of her own.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. to your Mom: Thanks for printing and posting my column! It means a lot to me! -T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Ex-Boyfriend" Needs "Closure" To Let Go; May Suffer From Erotomania

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend (and I hesitate to elevate him to that status) "Spencer" - who I only dated for a few months - has enough issues to fill a month's worth of your columns; thus the reason he is an EX-boyfriend/guy I briefly dated. As I mentioned, we only dated for a few months (not quite two); but he refuses to leave me alone. He keeps asking if we can "try again". He suggests that we get together for coffee to discuss "what issues each of us needs to address and focus on changing" in order for the relationship to work.

First off, I do not believe we were together long enough to define what Spencer and I had as a "relationship"; and second, I do not want to get back together with him, so why should I focus on changing who I am to suit him? When I pointed these facts out to him (much more tactfully than I do here) Spencer went off into a tirade about how I am refusing to accept my "share of the responsibility for the failure of our relationship" and that this issue is adding to his already heavy stress load. Tazi, our relationship failed because he is a self-centered dreamer who is all talk and no action. With his charming personality he can win people over until they discover the truth about him: that every word out of his mouth is a lie; that he suffers from a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth; and that his charm is all that he has going for him. When I explained this to Spencer - in those exact words - he told me that I should get counseling, since I am obviously "deflecting" my own issues of low self-esteem onto him, and that he would be willing to accommodate me by attending couples' counseling with me. I do not suffer from low self-esteem, do not need counseling, and certainly do not want to attend couples' counseling with him because we are not - and never were - a couple! The relationship was never said to be exclusive, nor do I believe my actions led him to believe it was!

Tazi, I admit that I broke things off with him rather suddenly; telling him over the phone one night that I did not see a future between us and that I think we should make a clean break of things, but at least I told him voice to voice and not via text message. Spencer keeps telling me that I have "denied" him the "closure" he needs to move on with his life, and that I am not being fair to him by changing my phone number (which did not work; he managed to get the new one from a mutual acquaintance unfamiliar with the situation), ignoring his calls, and refusing delivery of the flowers he tries to send me. Short of taking out a restraining order against the guy, what can I do to get him to leave me alone? Should I meet him for coffee just this once to prove to him that there is nothing there?

Signed,
Moved On

Dear Moved On:

Obviously, whatever occurred between you and Spencer meant a lot more to him than it did to you. What the dynamic was between the two of you is something you do not mention - did you see each other every day? Once or twice a week? A few dates? Hot and heavy? You mention that exclusivity was never discussed; but it appears that Spencer assumed it. For this one reason, it would have been more appropriate to break up with him in person, not over the phone. Should Spencer call you again, I think a quasi-apology (from you) expressing this fact would be appropriate. You do not have to get all remorseful; just a simple, "Spencer, obviously our friendship meant more to you than I realized, and I should have respected your feelings enough to break up with you in person. However, what's done is done. I have moved forward with my life, and it would be best if you did the same". Notice that the words "I'm sorry" do not appear anywhere in the above statement.

If Spencer continues to suggest that you get together to discuss where things went wrong, answer the phone ONE TIME, to simply repeat that you have moved forward with your life and think it would be best if he moved on, as well. If he continues to demand "closure" tell him that this is the best that he is going to get from you. Ignore any further phone calls from him, as well as any other form of attempted contact - by giving him your attention you are giving him what exactly what he wants. It does not matter that you are thinking horrible thoughts about him; the point is, you are thinking of him.

If Spencer decides to bring things to the next level by following you around in person or showing up at places you frequent at times he knows you will be there, do your best to ignore him. If he approaches you, report him to the management; they will most likely ask him to leave the building. If he starts creeping on you via social media, block him and/or turn your page private for a few weeks - eventually, he will give up on you.

If none of these tactics work - or especially if they make the situation worse - Spencer may suffer from a rare (but very real) mental illness called "erotomania", a very serious disorder in which the stalker believes their victim(s) are truly in love with them but are just playing hard to get; and the more you push them away, the deeper they believe that you really and truly love them. In a case such as this - and you will know it if it is such a case - legal intervention will be necessary to secure your personal safety and mental well-being. An excellent book on this topic is I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love, a first-person account by Dr. Doreen Orion. Included in the book is a chapter on resources for the victims of erotomaniacs. I wish you all the best. Please write back to me to let me (and my readers) know how things turn out for you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is An Online Affair Still Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

I feel like an idiot. I feel like I have been used. Worst of all, I feel like I have nobody to blame but myself. I know how you think that Facebook causes more relationship problems than any other social networking site, and you can add my story to that file.

I started dating "John" online about six months ago. (I have already changed his name, so please do not change it for me). He is an old friend that I found on Facebook, someone I have always crushed on. I saw from his page that he had a girlfriend and that they have been together for years so I asked him why they never got married and he told me it was because she was not ready. He did not offer any other explanation. At the time, he and his girl were going through a rough patch, and we started flirting online. I sent him some naughty pictures of myself, and he really seemed to like them so I sent him some more, figuring that sooner or later he and his girl would be breaking up and I would finally get a chance to date him in person.

This week, I went to John's girl's Facebook page because I saw on his page that she had tagged him in her status update. Her page isn't private, so I was able to see everything - pictures of them together, smiling and happy; love notes from him to her; and something that really steamed me, the status update where she tagged him. They had just returned from a romantic vacation to New England and she was bragging about how romantic he was. They did not look like a couple that was about to break up anytime soon.

I emailed John asking for an explanation, wanting to know why he went away on vacation with his girlfriend if things were so bad between them. He denied ever wanting to break up with her; said the "rough patch" only lasted a few weeks; and that he was an idiot to ever confide in me since it was obvious I took things the wrong way.

I want to send an email to John's girl (her address is listed on her Facebook profile) and tell her what a lying cheat her boyfriend really is, but I don't know if this will help or hurt my chances with John. What do you think I should do, Tazi? I know how you think honesty is the best policy. Should I be the bearer of bad news?

Signed,
Still Wanting Him

Dear Still Wanting Him:

You mention that you have been in an online relationship with John for six months. The fact that this relationship was a virtual one means it was never consummated, which means that as despicable as John's behavior was (accepting nude photos of another woman) it does not quite rise to the level of cheating, at least not in my book. What you have had with John is an affair of the heart, and from the sound of things it was pretty one sided. From what you write, it sounds to me like John is perfectly content to be with his current partner.

You ask me if it would be okay to email a woman you have never met - through Facebook - and tell her that her boyfriend of several years is a liar and a cheat. I think this is quite possibly the worst idea I have ever heard - even worse than the woman who wanted to marry a prison inmate. Here are the facts of the matter at hand:

1. John's girlfriend does not know you. Unless you have solid proof of illicit intentions - emails from John professing his feelings, naughty pictures of him, or anything even remotely questionable - this woman will have zero reason to believe you over John.

2. You say that John is an old friend that you have always "crushed on". Is this really how you want to treat an old friend? Yes, John was wrong to encourage you to send further nude photos of yourself, but you have to remember that the initial batch was sent unsolicited. It was you who pursued what you saw as an opportunity, not the other way around.

3. John does not sound interested in you as it is. Do you think destroying his relationship with a woman he obviously loves is going to improve your chances of landing him? If you answered "yes" to that question, slap yourself for me - it was rhetorical, and the answer is "no"!


I am getting a lot of mileage out of this pic lately!

I have re-read your letter a couple of times now, and from what you write it appears that all John is guilty of is grossly bad judgement in allowing an online flirtation to escalate. Since I know of very few men that would say no to receiving nude pictures of an attractive woman, I have to give John a pass on this one, regardless of my personal feelings on this matter. In my opinion, John has not cheated and any lies he has told have been lies of omission - because let's face it, what man is going to tell his girlfriend about something like this? It sounds to me that you are seeking my permission to seek revenge on John. Permission denied.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Falling For Counselor Wonders If She Should Look Elsewhere

Dear Tazi:

I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now, to discuss the problems I have been having in maintaining a romantic relationship with a man. In meeting with "Joe" on a weekly basis, I have been able to pinpoint the issues, and work on resolving them. My problem is, in a nutshell, that I date self-centered men who are only interested in having their needs met; men who are not the type to give or compromise to fulfill the needs of the woman in their life. Consequently, I end up being the one who does all of the giving and none of the taking and, when I choose to complain about how unfair things are, I am further victimized by being chastised or dumped.

Joe is the first man who has ever taken an interest in what I have to say - my opinions, my needs, my desires, hopes, and dreams! I never knew that a relationship with a man could be so fulfilling until I met him! Now, I realize that Joe is being paid to listen to me, but the euphoric feeling of the attention he gives me is one I would like to experience in a real relationship someday. I am trying very hard not to fall in love with my counselor, but it is difficult. For this reason, I have decided that it might be time that I dip my toe back into the waters of the dating scene. My problem is, I am scared that no man will ever measure up to "Joe".

Obviously, my concerns are something that I should be discussing with my counselor; but I am uncomfortable revealing to him that I have developed feelings for him. It would be a dream come true if he felt the same, but a nightmare if he did not - especially since it would mean that I would have to jump full-on into the dating pool to find someone I could care for the way I am starting to care for Joe. Is my letter even making any sense, Tazi? I guess what I am asking for is advice on what to tell my counselor: Should I tell him I am ready to start dating again; or that I would like to date him?

Signed,
Ready To Take the Next Step

Dear ready To Take the Next Step:

You are correct in your belief that your counselor is being paid to listen to you - so please keep that fact in mind! This does not mean that Joe does not care about you as a person, or even that he has not developed a sense of concern for you; but as a professional he must draw a strict line between his personal and professional relationships. This may break your heart, but I highly doubt Joe will be willing to socialize with you outside of his office - to do so would represent an extreme breach of ethics on his part.

As a counselor, Joe is in the unique position of being the person you trust to assist you through an emotionally charged time. It is not unusual for people to develop romantic feelings for their counselors; however, it is unusual for the counselor to develop reciprocal feelings for their patient. As Joe could explain to you if you were to reveal your feelings for him, the balance of power in such a relationship would be tipped in his favor as you are already dependent upon him for nurturing care.

Rather than telling Joe that you would like to date him, make a list of the qualities he possesses that attract you. Obviously, good listener is on that list; but is there anything else? What about qualities you seek that Joe does not possess? Be sure to add those to your list, too! Once you have that list in your head, tell Joe that you feel you are ready to start dating again; and that he has served as a wonderful role model of positive qualities that you would feel you should be looking for in a man. This compliment will tell Joe that his guidance has been helpful, and can also give him an opening to reiterate that the relationship between the two of you is strictly professional. Hearing such a sentiment from your counselor's mouth might go a long way towards strengthening your resolve towards finding an appropriate man to date.

Once the topic of re-entering the dating scene has been raised, your counselor can help to guide you away from the shallow men you have dated in the past and towards deeper, more meaningful opportunities.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Discovers Too Late That Secret Crush Is Returned

ear Tazi:

For longer than I have known, a woman I have known forever has had a thing for me. I wish I had known about her feelings sooner, because I have secretly been in love with her for several years. My problem is, I am stuck in a loveless marriage and cannot leave without further complicating the lives of all involved.

"Sandy" is a wonderful woman, who thinks my mother is a living saint. My mother adores Sandy, and always comments on how she is the type of woman I "SHOULD" have married instead of my wife. However, my mother does not believe in divorce under any circumstances. Her marriage to my father was a living Hell, but she "toughed it out 'til death parted" them and expects her children to do the same. When my brother divorced his cheating, alcoholic wife, Mother actually wrote him out of her will. My brother did not care, claiming his freedom was more valuable than any inheritance.

Tazi, my mother is quite wealthy and I am afraid I don't have my brother's strength to walk away from all of that money. Plus, even if I did divorce, I don't think I could be with Sandy publicly. My mother treats my brother's new wife like a Jezebel simply for marrying a divorced man. I would hate to see her turn on Sandy like that, and I would hate for Sandy to see how controlling and manipulative my mother really is - like I said, she thinks the woman a living saint. This is only half of what I mean when I say I would complicate lives by leaving.

My wife has threatened to draw out any divorce proceedings until after my mother passes, in order to get her "fair share" in a divorce settlement. My mother is elderly, but of good stock and could easily live another ten years or more. I cannot see myself living in a loveless marriage for another ten years...plus, I am afraid that Sandy will fully move forward with her life by that time.

I have never expected Sandy to put her life on hold for me - how could I? - but I know that she has turned down two marriage proposals (from two different guys) because she "didn't love the man with all her heart". I have it on a reliable source that she still has feelings for me, but has given up all hope of ever being with me. I know that Sandy is currently seeing somebody; but I did not realize how serious she was about him until a few weeks ago, when I saw her with him at her favorite little coffee shop. She always said that she would never take a love interest there because she liked the place too much and didn't want to risk losing it in a break-up. Do you think that by bringing him there she is telling the world that she has found "the one"? Seeing them together as I drove by the place sent me into a jealous rage, and I almost crashed my car!

I realize now how my brother could give up a fortune to be with the woman he loves, and if my situation were different I would turn my back on Mother's money to be with Sandy - but to do so would sever the bond between Sandy and my mother, and that is only if Sandy were willing to leave the man she is currently with to have me instead...not to mention the fact that a divorce could drag out for longer than Sandy would be willing to wait. Do you think I should lay my cards on the table and tell Sandy everything that is in my heart - and the behind-the-scenes drama - and let her decide for herself if she wants to be with me? Or should I just let her go on thinking that there could never be anything between us?

Signed,
Adoring Sandy

Dear Adoring Sandy:

My what a tangled web you have woven around yourself! It sounds like the center of a Days of Our Lives story-line! Before I advise you one way or the other, I have a question to ask you: Have you ever revealed your true feelings to Sandy? Or are you only contemplating it now because another dog has the bone you want to chew? Also, how recent is your reliable information that Sandy still has feelings for you? She may have turned down two marriage proposals, but that does not mean for certain that you were the reason; nor does it mean she will leave the man she is currently seeing to dash off into your arms. To "lay your cards on the table....and let Sandy decide" is an awfully large ball to drop in her lap. I would make certain that your intentions are pure before considering such a move.

As it stands right now, it appears that Sandy is happy with the man she is currently seeing. Unless you see a ring on her finger, assume that she is not making plans to walk down the aisle and cool your jets to see just where your paths are leading. Currently, you are a married man; and by your own admission that fact is not going to change in the foreseeable future. If you truly love Sandy, you will not destroy her life all to satisfy your own jealousy.

I would advise you to talk to your mother. You say that she "always comments" on how Sandy is the type of woman you should have married. The next time she comments, use it as an opening to tell your mother that you agree with her - but that there is only one Sandy, and that you discovered her too late. If your mother knows how you feel about this woman - and her relationship with Sandy is as you say it is - she may be willing to relax her standards a bit in order for you to disentangle yourself from your current situation. If she is not, I beg you to leave Sandy out of the picture.

If, however, your mother is open to the idea of you pursuing a relationship with Sandy, I suggest you dig deeper into what you saw at the coffee shop. The man she was with could have been a work acquaintance or even a relative or platonic friend. For all you know, she may be single and open to your advances. If the man you saw is someone whom she is dating, find out how serious the relationship is an choose a direction based on what is in Sandy's best interests. Only in The Graduate was it romantic to see a man try to stop a wedding mid-ceremony. In real life, it is heartbreaking; leaving no winners in its wake.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Girlfriend Is "Too Hands On" For Her Partner

Dear Tazi:

I have been with my "lady friend" for several years now, and I enjoy her company. Although I can never marry her (I am legally separated but not divorced) I have no plans on leaving her for another woman - least of all my legal wife, whom I remain married to for financial reasons - and "Leona" says that she understands this and is content with our arrangement so long as I remain faithful to her.

My problem is that Leona does not seem to trust me around other women. If another woman so much as looks at me - for whatever reason - Leona will put her arm around me, nuzzle my neck, whisper in my hear, or grab my behind; basically claiming her territory. This behavior is embarrassing enough at parties and other social gatherings, but it is downright aggravating when it happens in line at the grocery store (Leona swears the cashier has a crush on me). The worst is when Leona starts pawing me in church.

There is a woman who goes to the same mass as me and I have a long but platonic history with her. She went to high school with my youngest sister and was even in her wedding party, which is how my family and I got to know her outside of church. My mother has always adored "Katrina" and her fondness shows. Mom made the mistake of giving Katrina a hug one morning after mass and asking about her relationship status within sight of Leona. This convinced Leona that my mother wants to push her out of my life in order to set her up with Katrina. Since that day (three years ago) Leona has made a point of draping herself all over me whenever she sees Katrina at mass.

Because Katrina sits in the choir, she sits off to the side of the main church and has a full view of the congregation. I know she sees Leona acting far too hands on for church (especially during the sign of peace) because she will rapidly look away, like she is embarrassed at witnessing a private moment, as soon as she sees Leona lick my ear or nibble my fingers. Leona is convinced that Katrina is starting at me (why else would she suddenly look away?) and uses this logic to further her physical attentions to me. I don't think Katrina is looking at us on purpose; I think it is just that we sit in her field of vision.

In order to accommodate Leona's insecurity I suggested we move to a different seat, which worked for a short while - until the ceiling over the choir's nook collapsed and they had to move to the other side of the church. Now Leona and I are once again in the direct view of Katrina and Leona's machinations are getting worse - so much so that the Pastor drew us aside after mass and asked us to conduct ourselves with "decorum appropriate to the venue". I was humiliated! Even worse, so was my mother.

Leona is now refusing to attend mass with me, saying she feels unwelcome. This is fine with me, since I am not at all comfortable with her behavior, but she wants me to stop attending mass, too, or at least switch parishes or masses. Tazi, I know this sounds like a small request, but isn't to me. I have been attending the same mass at the same church for more than 20 years and I enjoy the familiarity. I have gotten to know the people who attend this mass, which makes the celebration of mass more fulfilling to me. Plus the thought of not being able to see my friend Katrina does sadden me. Just because there is nothing romantic going on between us does not mean that I do not appreciate and enjoy her friendship. I know it sounds like I am trying to have it all - and maybe I am - but is it all too much to ask?

Signed,
Wanting It All

P.S. I forgot to mention that Leona is several years younger than Katrina, who is ten years younger than me. Something tells me this may have something to do with my problem.

Dear Wanting It All:

If Leona is several years younger than Katrina, who is ten years younger than you, I am going to do the math and figure that there is a 15 - 20 year age difference between you and Leona, which could explain why she is acting so immature - it is because she is immature.

Leona's draping herself all over you at parties can be excused if alcohol is involved and can be understood if a cashier is flirting at you. But mauling you in church because she thinks a woman in the choir is gazing upon you from across the room? As Elvis Presley sang, "We can't go on together with suspicious minds"; this is a point you need to drive home to Leona.

Sparkly white jumpsuit not required!

Why your mother's affection for Katrina should set Leona off in a jealous rage is beyond me...unless there is something else you have failed to mention? Is it possible that Katrina does have a crush on you, and/or you on her? While this does not excuse Leona's behavior in church (nothing does) it may explain it. You need to be honest with yourself in order to be honest with your lady friend.

You briefly mention that you will never be able to marry Leona because you remain legally married for "financial reasons". How does this make Leona feel, that you are choosing to remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of money? Is she truly okay with remaining your girlfriend for the rest of her life or does she hope to someday marry you - with or without the money you would lose if you divorced your wife? What about children - does Leona want any? If so, this relationship is far more complicated than you realize. In your desire to have it all, you may be taking from others.

The time has come for you to have a serious talk with Leona about her insecurity - in general, and especially about Katrina, since her presence in church is driving you out of it. Ask Leona what solid evidence she has that Katrina is interested in you. Tell Leona that you love her, not Katrina, and that her immature behavior is upsetting you; that such physical expressions of affection are best expressed during private moments, not as witness to the entire church and community. Most importantly, ask Leona if she is happy with your current arrangement. It could be that in the "several years" since you started dating her wants and needs have changed, and her overbearing jealousy is her way of expressing this.

If you wish to continue going to the same church and the same mass as you have always attended, then do it. Leona has no right to dictate your religious observances. The same goes for your choice of friendships. If you wish to remain in contact with Katrina, Leona will have to learn to live with this if she cannot learn to like her. Nobody has the right to dictate whom their partners can have as friends.

Snuggles,
Tazi








Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Seeks Guilt-Free Way To Cheat On Her Boyfriend

Dear Tazi:

I have a new co-worker at work and at first I thought he was a real jerk but I have gotten to know him and have discovered that he is actually a nice guy. In fact, he is a very nice guy and I think I am falling for him. I think he might like me, too. The problem is that “Ralph” and I are both in committed relationships. I can’t speak for him, but I know I do not want to give up a solid and certain thing for something that might not work – then I would be left all alone and who wants that?

I am considering asking Ralph if he wants to get together after work for a drink or to watch the game (whatever game is on) or something like that, but even that feels too much like cheating, so I am organizing a karaoke night for me and all of my co-workers; a night to go out after work just us (no partners) so we can blow off some steam at the end of the work week.

Some of my co-workers have complained about not being able to bring a date, while those who are married with kids are looking forward to a night put without their spouses and kids. Ralph is still not certain if he will be going; he says he has to think about it because he would feel badly if he went out and had a good time and left his girlfriend at home alone. I have suggested that she make plans to go out with her friends, but he said it “wasn’t like that” with them. Huh?

I have worked really hard to put this karaoke night together, arranging with the club to have extra staff on to handle the crowd from work and passing the hat to pay for a hot and cold buffet. I have done all of this in the hope of spending some time with Ralph outside of work, and now he might not even come to the karaoke night???? Tazi, can you think of a way to convince Ralph to show up for the party – without his girlfriend? I really need this.

Signed,

Reevaluating My Relationship

Dear Reevaluating My Relationship:

Just because you are reevaluating does not mean that Ralph is, too. It is possible that he enjoys your company as a friend without having a romantic interest in you; it is also possible that he has a mild romantic interest in you, but nothing so pulsating that he would leave the woman he loves to be with you.  Let Ralph be to make up his own mind about whether to attend your karaoke night and then let the chips fall where they may.

Whether you want to admit it or not, your grand scheme for a karaoke night is nothing more than a guilt-free plan to cheat on your boyfriend. I suggest you remove Ralph from the equation and ask yourself if you actually want to stay with your boyfriend or if you are only with him because you are afraid of being alone. If you truly do love your boyfriend, work on your relationship; if you are only with him because there is no alternate to take his place, you need to make a tough decision – recommit to your relationship with your whole heart or leave; leaving things as-is is not going to work because sooner or later you will give in to the urge to cheat – if not with Ralph than the next attraction that comes along.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Insecure Wife Thinks Husband Is Crushing On Another Woman

Dear Tazi:

My husband is in love with another woman. He denies it, but I see the way he looks at her in church and I know that he drives the long way home just so he can drive past her house (my friends have seen him); he says it is because there is less traffic on that route.

“Melanie” is blonde, curvy, and the perfect height for my husband. She has never had children so she has been able to keep her weight down and her figure looking fabulous because she also has time to go to the gym. She has a glamorous job as a bartender for a popular, upscale dining club and she drives a cute little sports car. She is also ten years younger than me and looks ten years younger than that! I on the other hand am taller than my husband, which I know he hates even though he says he’s fine with it; I am a plus-size woman because I was never able to lose the weight I gained after I had my son; I drive an aging minivan; and work in an office. I suppose I could be described as frumpy, especially when compared to Melanie. Why wouldn’t my husband fall for her? “Deek” only married me because I threatened to leave him and take our son (who was a newborn) with me.

Deek and I were only dating a short time when I got pregnant, and I was so in love I was thought I had enough love for the both of us to make our marriage work. The first few years were a stressful adjustment, but I brushed off those stresses as anything newlyweds with a new baby would experience. By the time my son reached school age I knew my marriage was not working, but by that time Deek was taking classes towards a professional certificate and could not afford to leave me. I thought if we could wait it out we could work things out.

When my son turned six, Deek decided it was time for us to start going to church and for our son to receive his sacraments. Deek was a churchgoer growing up but I never was; however, I let him take our son every week hoping Deek would see how far I was willing to go to make him happy. I did not go to my son’s First Communion because I was sick that day, but I could see how disappointed he was so I promised not to miss his confirmation when he turned sixteen. Well, that was a few months ago and after seeing Melanie in the congregation I had my suspicions as to why my husband like church so much!

I decided to start going to Sunday mass with Deek and our son, and they both seemed happy that I would be joining them. I’ve been going all summer now and I see how Deek looks at Melanie. The worst part is when she comes up to me after the mass to say hello and ask how I am doing. I know it is just an excuse to talk to Deek! That woman will take him any way she can! She even had the nerve to offer us a gift certificate to the dinner club where she works as a wedding anniversary present! She said she thought we might like an evening of dinner and dancing, but I know she is just trying to sneak in some time with Deek! I just know it! Why else would she offer? (She claims that she gets one a month to do with what she’s like, and that she was so glad to finally meet me after all these years that she wanted to do something nice for me! Ha!). Deek would like to use the gift certificate, but I told him my thoughts on the whole matter and he told me I am being crazy.

Tazi, can you think of a way that I can prove Deek is cheating on me with Melanie? It may only be an affair of the heart, but that is how these things start – then the next thing you know I will be in divorce court! I am betting that Deek is just waiting for our son to turn 18 so he doesn’t have to pay child support! I am heartbroken over this, and want to save my marriage, but how can I compete with Melanie?

Signed,

Brokenhearted In New England

Dear Brokenhearted In New England:

I am going to say this in the nicest way a kitty cat knows how, which is to say I am going to be blunt: You need to talk to a professional counselor about your low self-esteem issues. You need to learn to trust your husband when he tells you he is not in love with Melanie. You need to ask yourself this very important question: Has Melanie ever expressed the slightest romantic interest in your husband, or is she in a happily committed relationship of her own?

While your marriage may not have had the most fairy-tale beginning that does not mean that it cannot have its own version of and they lived happily ever after. Please stop comparing yourself to Melanie; you do not know what her life is like and it is possible that she envies you – not for your husband, specifically, but for the lovely life you have – a husband, a son, a minivan, and a womanly figure that proudly bears the marks of motherhood. I know of many young women who have struggled with infertility and would gladly give up their “fabulous” figures in return for a child. Melanie may very well be one of these women. You cannot know what another person’s life is like until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Happily Ever After rarely is...

Since your husband and son seemed genuinely happy that you would be joining them for church services, take them at their word and continue to go if this is something you enjoy. After services, try to approach Melanie on your own and get to know her independent of your husband; she may very well  be looking to make friends and be hoping for your acceptance – which could be why she gave you such a nice anniversary present!

Last of all, I would like to say that there is a big difference between having an innocent crush on someone and being in love with that person. It is possible that your husband has a crush on Melanie. Haven’t you ever noticed how good-looking another man is? This does not mean that you are ready to throw away your marriage and commit your life to this man; it just means that you are human and have an appreciation for a pretty face and a charming personality. This, too, shall pass, I am sure, leaving you wondering why you were so upset in the first place.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Twentysomething Virgin Wants A Good Man, Is Willing To Wait

Dear Tazi:

Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? I am in my mid-twenties and still a virgin, not because of any particular religious beliefs but because I have never had a serious relationship and I respect myself way too much to have a one night stand. I do think that sex should be something special between two people, and I don’t have a timeline for when it should happen, but I would like my first time – and ideally every other time – to be with someone who is special to me; someone who cares about me and isn’t just looking for a hook up.

I have always put my education first, and now that I have finished both my undergraduate and graduate degrees (with honors) I find myself traveling frequently for work, which makes it difficult to meet someone for a relationship. I have tried online dating, but it seems like every guy I meet is only interested in one thing – a regular hook up first while waiting to see where things might end up. At least these guys were honest and up front with me from the start, so they never made it past the first few dates. Some guys even pushed for sex sooner than that, like on the first date or even while we were still just emailing each other!

I have been seeing “Dennis” for about a month now, and he has been quite patient with me in spite of his constant hints and occasional pushy behavior. I am not ready for a physical relationship with him, but I want to somehow let him know that it is not him, it’s me – without sounding like a cheap line people use to let someone down easy. I would like to tell Dennis that I have never had sex before, but I am not sure how he will take it. I don’t want to scare him away, but I also don’t want him to see me as some kind of trophy. I especially don’t want him to think this means I want a serious, committed relationship with him for “X” amount of time until I am ready because I am not even sure that is what I want with him, and I don’t want to lead him on. Should I even tell him about my “status” or keep it to myself? I am really confused about this, and need some good advice!

Signed,

Wondering In New Orleans

Dear Wondering In New Orleans:

You are a smart lady to think of your future first; some of the most successful women in America today have done just what you are doing – putting education and career first, boys second. Your views on sex are your own and I do not think them weird, nor do I think there is anything wrong with you; you are well-balanced between strict, traditional/religious beliefs and more modern/extremely liberal views on the subject. I think that when you meet the right person, you will be ready and that you should not rush into something because someone has pressured you for sex or promised a commitment that you don’t even want in return for it.

As for how you should deal with Dennis…having lost my nads at a very young age I have to hit up my guy pals for their opinions, and they have informed me that there are three different types of reactions you can expect from a guy when you tell him you are a virgin:

The first – and preferable reaction – is the good man’s reaction. He will tell you that he understands, and is willing to wait for you. He will ask you to be patient with him – that if he pushes you it is because he is so attracted to you, and not to take it personally; just tell him that you are not ready and he will continue to wait until you are…and if you feel that point will never come, to please be honest with him about your feelings.

The second reaction is the “runner”. Some men don’t know how to handle this kind of news and freak out, never to be heard from again. While it can be hurtful and embarrassing be glad that he left; someone with so little emotional maturity would not make a very good romantic partner, so count your lucky stars and move on.

The third – and worst reaction – is the guy who responds as if bedding you is some kind of challenge, your virginity a trophy in praise of his manhood. This is the guy who will say he will be patient and understanding but immediately starts formulating his plans to seduce you. If you find he is suddenly plying you with over the top romantic gestures and copious amounts of alcohol, be on the alert; this man is trying to scam you!

It can be difficult to figure how a man will react to this news, especially if you have only recently started dating, so my buddies offered a few suggestions, ranging from not saying anything at all until you are certain where the relationship is going to texting him the information, to having a conversation about the matter over coffee. I suggest you choose the path that you are most comfortable with, prepare yourself for the worst and then hope for the best.

Always remember that it can take time to find the right person – you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince – and that giving yourself away may result in more dates but that doesn’t mean that any of them will be with the kind of man you can see yourself with long-term. Quality over quantity is what I always say!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

One Man's Fantasy Quickly Becomes A Nightmare

Dear Tazi:

I am a horrible, horrible man. I got drunk at a party and cheated on my girlfriend with her twin sister, who I got pregnant. I knew what I was doing so I took advantage of things when her sister came onto me, telling me that she has always wanted me.

After I sobered up I pretended that nothing happened and never told my girlfriend. When her sister told me she was pregnant I congratulated her and asked who the father was, and then acted like I had no clue what she was saying when she said it was mine. She hasn't told her sister yet – she wants me to tell her – but I know if I do I will lose my girlfriend forever.

I have offered to pay for an abortion, but she says she wants to keep the baby and would like me to be an active part of its life. Tazi, I want to eventually marry my girlfriend and this is seriously going to mess up that plan. I am thinking of telling my girlfriend that her sister tricked me while I was drunk and that I thought I was having sex with her (my girlfriend) and not her sister, but I am afraid if I do that she will never speak to her sister again and I don’t want that to happen, either. Can you think of any way out of this problem?

Signed,

Seeing Double

Dear Seeing Double:

If you are immature enough to get so stumbling drunk that you are willing to throw caution to the wind and have (unprotected) sex with someone other than your girlfriend than I think you are a long ways away from being mature enough to get married. What you have done to your girlfriend is despicable and I will not give you my blessing to dump the blame for your actions on her sister. While the pregnant twin is not entirely blameless – she did come onto you with the hope of bedding you – it takes two to tango.

I think the two of you should sit down with your girlfriend and tell her together what you have done. Expect her to be angry, expect her to be hurt, expect her to never want to speak to either of you again…but in time, expect her to want to know WHY the two of you would do such a thing to her! I suggest you start to think long and hard about how to answer any questions she may have for you.

Because there is a child involved – yours – and your girlfriend is going to be an aunt to her (soon to be ex?) boyfriend’s child there is simply no way for all of you to avoid being in each other’s lives, so I suggest that you find an experienced and well-qualified family counselor NOW and work towards working through the anger and the hurt that all of you must be feeling. If your girlfriend refuses to go, go without her and ask her to join you when she feels ready to discuss things.

You are going to have to step up to the plate and be man; you are going to be a father whether you are ready or not. Your child’s mother has asked you to be involved in the baby’s life and although it does not seem like it now, as the years pass I think you will decide that your child is the greatest blessing life could have ever bestowed upon you. Give that child all that it deserves by working to heal the hurts caused by your actions so his/her presence isn’t a constant reminder of questionable behavior.

No Snuggles For You!

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Other Woman" Had No Idea "Her" Man Was Someone Else's

Dear Tazi:

I have been seeing a man for six months, and I have fallen deeply in love with him. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I believed him. He travels a lot for work, so I did not think much of his absences from my life until I got an email from his wife! She found a message from me in his open email account. It turns out he is married and has a family, and his "business trips" were actually how he got away from her to see me, and vice-versa. When he was with me, he would tell his wife he was away on business; when he needed to be with her and his children, he would tell me he had a business trip. The worst part is he doesn't need to travel for business at all! He lied to me when I met him (he was actually on a family vacation when he came to my town!).

He told me that he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me. He told me that he was going to divorce his wife so we could be together, just as soon as his children were out of school for the summer. One of them has been struggling, and he thinks the trauma would set the child back in his studies. I believed him until his wife sent me a second email with a scanned copy of the divorce papers attached to it. It turns out she filed for divorce as soon as she found out about me.

Tazi, I feel sick! Not only has my boyfriend lied to me, I feel like a home-wrecker! Had I known he was married I would never have gotten involved with him. I emailed his wife back and told her this, but she simply responded that what was done was done and could not be undone. I want to break up with my boyfriend over this whole fiasco, but I am not sure that I should. On the one hand, he lied to me and turned me into something I never thought I would be - the other woman. To stay with him would reward his bad behavior and make me feel like he only chose me because his wife left him. Who wants someone else's sloppy seconds? Not me! On the other hand, I still love him and would hate it if he found someone else. I feel like this is my one chance to find happiness with the man I love...and yet I am hesitant.to move forward. What would you suggest, Tazi?

Signed,
The Other Woman

Dear The Other Woman:

I can understand why you are reeling from this whole situation, which is probably why you are unable to think clearly. The man you love has turned out to be someone else entirely, and it appears that you are desperately trying to convince yourself that this is not true and that he really does exist. Whether his soon-to-be ex-wife is emailing you out of spite, concern for your future, or a little of both must be set aside for the moment so you can look at the cold, hard facts of the matter:

1. Your boyfriend lied to you about being married, about having to travel for work, and about initiating a divorce to be with you. Not only is this a long record of lies, but it leads to questions about what actually is true.

2. If this man was not traveling for work, who was paying his travel expenses? Was he financially stable enough to cover them personally? Was he maxing out his credit cards to come see you? Was he embezzling funds from work? These are serious questions that need honest answers.

3. Is anything that you love about this man a part of who he really is, or is it all part of a facade that he created to impress you?

I think the most important thing you need to look at is the fact that you met this guy while he was on vacation with  his family! What kind of louse would walk away from his family for a fling with a woman he just met? What lies was he telling his wife and children in order to get away from them to come spend time with you?

I realize that your heart is broken, and several pints of ice cream and a Sex and the City marathon will be required to heal it, but in the end I would say that this man's not worth your tears, and that his soon-to-be ex-wife did you a favor by revealing his true colors to you. His lies could not have gone on forever, and the longer you two stayed together, the deeper and more tangled those lies would become.

At this point, you have done nothing wrong; you did not know he was married, so you are a victim, too. If you choose to continue to see this man you will become an accomplice to his vile behavior. That hesitancy you feel is your conscience telling you to do the right thing and walk away.

Extra Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

She's In Love With Justin Bieber!

Dear Tazi:

Is it possible to be in love with a man who doesn't even know I exist? I know it sounds crazy - and that he is crazy in love with Selena Gomez - but I am in love with Justin Bieber. At first I just thought it was a stupid crush, but then I saw him in concert; and I swear he looked right at me several times during the show...and I felt something like I have never felt before! When that crazy woman accused him of fathering her baby, I went nuts! All I could think was that she HAD to be lying - that Justin would never lower himself to sleep with a groupie; but then, how do I know that, really? I really don't KNOW Justin Bieber as a person - just what I see in the media. My obsession with Justin has reached the point where my boyfriend left me over it; and yet, I really don't miss him. I think I would miss Justin more.

Tazi, the worst part of my problem? I am old enough to know better! I am in my mid-twenties, and Justin is just a kid. But still...I dream of one day being one less lonely girl, and of being Justin's favorite girl. Never say never, right?

Signed,
That Should Be Me!

Dear That Should Be Me!:

I almost didn't publish your letter because of all the Justin Bieber links I had to enclose in it. Did you really have to make that many references to his songs????? [Ed. Note: In order for non-Bieber fans to understand the references, song titles have been linked to the videos]. However, I have published it, so I will offer you the following advice:

Come back down to earth, and accept the fact that you and Justin Bieber will most likely never be a couple. You have a celebrity crush, which is perfectly normal; but you have allowed it to invade on your everyday life, which is unhealthy. If your boyfriend was not someone you were serious about, I could understand why you would not miss having him in your life; but if you are breaking off successful relationships for a fantasy crush I would suggest you take stock of where your life is headed.

You need to ask yourself why you are so obsessed with Justin Bieber. Is it his boyish looks? His sensitive song lyrics? Does he somehow embody traits that you are seeking in a man? If this is the case, you need to start looking for an appropriate mate who embodies these traits. Or is it possible that you are afraid to pursue a relationship with someone attainable, and are using Justin Bieber as an excuse to keep interested and available men at arm's length? Some soul searching, and some serious discussions with a trusted friend or counselor could help you to answer these questions; as well as assist you in moving forward with your life, and putting your crush on Justin Bieber back into perspective.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.