In An Abusive Marriage, Something Has Got To Give

Dear Tazi:

Do you remember the old song “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” That is the story of how I met my husband, “Zack” who is in full-blown mid-life crisis mode. Zack has joined a gym, bought a sports car, and by the time this letter is printed will have had a facelift. My marriage was not the greatest before Zack went overboard on his self-improvement kick – we have been married for 15 years and the spark is long gone – but now it has become intolerable. I am waiting for him to get a mistress so I will have a reason to leave him (our prenuptial agreement has an adultery loophole that voids it, so I would get a lot more if he cheated).

I have always worked hard to remain fit and attractive, but at 38 I no longer have the body I did when I was 21 and a size 3. Zack is pressuring me to have a “body sculpt” done, which involves a liposuction, breast lift, and facial improvements. I have no desire for plastic surgery and I do not think I need it. I am actually happier with my looks now than when I was younger, having filled out in all of the right places.

Zack’s pressure to get a body sculpt is starting to get on my nerves. This morning he acted like he wanted to be intimate with me, and then pushed me away saying “who replaced my wife with this whale?” Tazi, I am a size 6! I am not sure how long I can continue to live with Zack’s snide comments. He is hardly Mr. America – before he joined the gym he had a 44 waist; he is now down to a 38 and looking good, but not so good that he can call me fat. The thought of leaving scares me – I haven’t worked since we got married – and I am not sure what I could do to support myself, short of going back to working as a cocktail waitress. If I leave, I get almost nothing thanks to the prenup I signed. What to do, Tazi?

Signed,
Kajagoogooed

Dear Kajagoogooed:

First off, it was Human League, not Kajagoogoo that sang the song you reference. Second, after fifteen years of marriage I would question the validity of your prenuptial agreement, especially if the marital assets have grown significantly over that time. Since your agreement so heavily favors your husband, I am led to believe that you did not have legal representation when this agreement was signed, which might sway a judge to invalidate it, especially if you can prove that it was signed under duress; your husband is mentally abusive, which leads me to wonder if this was the case.

Right now, you should contact a good marriage counselor as well as a good divorce lawyer; if Zack will not go with you to visit the first than you should go alone to visit the second. Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar may be a step-down from your current lifestyle, but regaining your sense of self-worth will be invaluable. Due to the length of your marriage, if you decide to divorce, a judge may order your husband to pay alimony and/or educational costs so you can train for a career and “find a much better job”. Although I hate to advocate divorce, I refuse to advise someone to stay in an abusive marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #77 - Random Cr@p On The Radio

[Ed. Note: Tazi is napping in today and has asked his Mommie to write today's column. ]

The blanket is to keep cat hair off the comforter...which is why Tazi is ignoring it.

Dear Readers:

I am a very organized person. My ability to organize and cross-reference materials is reminiscent of the character Monica on the sitcom Friends. This is why this week my family was surprised to discover that I have a Spotify playlist titled "Random Cr@p".

I share my Spotify account with my boyfriend, and by share I mean he gets one folder, titled "His Folder", in which to put all his music. Also like Monica from Friends I have control issues when it comes to how I organize my stuff. I have "Workout Tunes" in the hope that I will actually start working out again now that I am through with school; "Country Songs", which is self-explanatory if you live in the Northeast where anything sung with a rockabilly twang is considered Country and Western. (I believe this also explains why New Jersey rocker Jon Bon Jovi is now considered "country"). There are also a few other folders like "Sleepytime"and "'80's Music", which is by far the largest folder.

I am a classically trained musician and jazz trumpet player, so while I freely and frequently admit that I am stuck in the '80's, prefer music from the '70's, and that only a small fraction of my music is post-1995 there are some things that still embarrass me. One of those things is the fact that I listen to to Ke$ha; the other is that I listen to the songs on my Random Cr@p playlist more than anything else. (For the record, Ke$ha is on the the more benignly named playlist "Songs I Like", a title that discourages others from listening, figuring it is stuffed with '80's pop and other, far less random cr@p).

So what type of song exactly makes it onto a playlist titled "Random Cr@p"? Well, as I write this Richard Harris is bemoaning the fact that someone left the cake out in the rain - a song that Donna Summer re-recorded and took to #1 in 1978 (for 5 weeks!). Donna Summer, however, is not random. Donna Summer, with hair that rivals Troy Polamalu's, is awesome. But actor Richard Harris singing about a cake melting in the rain and "love's hot, fevered iron like a striped pair of pants"? Bring. It. On.

I'll drink the wine 'though it is warm, too...after this song I need a drink!

Are all songs on the Random Cr@p list one hit wonders? No. One hit wonders have their own playlist (aptly titled "One Hit Wonders") and do not necessarily make it to the level of Random Cr@p.What makes a song random is that it is a departure from an artist's usual style or medium. Eddie Murphy singing about how his girl wants to Party All the Time? Pretty random, but not nearly as random as Bruce "John McClane" Willis singing the traditional Motown/gospel tune "Respect Yourself"

...the singing actually starts at 01:30

Some songs are, for lack of a better description, random in and of themselves and therefore belong on the Random Cr@p list out of sheer merit. I dare you not to sing along when The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play! You could be on a city bus, sitting in a doctor's office, or be-bopping down the aisles of your local Walmart and as soon as you hear that first "wimoweh" you've got an earbug and the only way to get rid of it is to sing it! Yet how random would that be, bursting into song in the middle of Target's frozen good aisle?

A wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh...

Last of all (and most certainly least!) on the Random Cr@p list there are some songs that are simply so bad I have actually had to remove them from the Random Cr@p playlist because they were simply cr@ppy, in addition to being random; unlike other songs on the Random Cr@p playlist these songs were not more than the sum of their parts, and no good could be harvested from them. For example, back in the 1970's, after The Partridge Family hit the air, the Brady Bunch Kids heated things up when they were forced (by contract) to record an album of original and cover songs. I am pretty sure Ike and Tina Turner cried when they heard this cover of Proud Mary.

I know I cried, but with laughter...

So there you have it - a little insight into what goes on in behind the scenes here at Ask Tazi! For those who are offended by the fact that I call my stuff cr@p, blame George Carlin, who famously asked, "Why is it your $#*% is stuff but other people's stuff is $#*%" Just keeping it humble and telling it like it is before my cat puts me in my place.

--KJM

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

She's In Love With Justin Bieber!

Dear Tazi:

Is it possible to be in love with a man who doesn't even know I exist? I know it sounds crazy - and that he is crazy in love with Selena Gomez - but I am in love with Justin Bieber. At first I just thought it was a stupid crush, but then I saw him in concert; and I swear he looked right at me several times during the show...and I felt something like I have never felt before! When that crazy woman accused him of fathering her baby, I went nuts! All I could think was that she HAD to be lying - that Justin would never lower himself to sleep with a groupie; but then, how do I know that, really? I really don't KNOW Justin Bieber as a person - just what I see in the media. My obsession with Justin has reached the point where my boyfriend left me over it; and yet, I really don't miss him. I think I would miss Justin more.

Tazi, the worst part of my problem? I am old enough to know better! I am in my mid-twenties, and Justin is just a kid. But still...I dream of one day being one less lonely girl, and of being Justin's favorite girl. Never say never, right?

Signed,
That Should Be Me!

Dear That Should Be Me!:

I almost didn't publish your letter because of all the Justin Bieber links I had to enclose in it. Did you really have to make that many references to his songs????? [Ed. Note: In order for non-Bieber fans to understand the references, song titles have been linked to the videos]. However, I have published it, so I will offer you the following advice:

Come back down to earth, and accept the fact that you and Justin Bieber will most likely never be a couple. You have a celebrity crush, which is perfectly normal; but you have allowed it to invade on your everyday life, which is unhealthy. If your boyfriend was not someone you were serious about, I could understand why you would not miss having him in your life; but if you are breaking off successful relationships for a fantasy crush I would suggest you take stock of where your life is headed.

You need to ask yourself why you are so obsessed with Justin Bieber. Is it his boyish looks? His sensitive song lyrics? Does he somehow embody traits that you are seeking in a man? If this is the case, you need to start looking for an appropriate mate who embodies these traits. Or is it possible that you are afraid to pursue a relationship with someone attainable, and are using Justin Bieber as an excuse to keep interested and available men at arm's length? Some soul searching, and some serious discussions with a trusted friend or counselor could help you to answer these questions; as well as assist you in moving forward with your life, and putting your crush on Justin Bieber back into perspective.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.