In-Law Trouble Puts Family At Odds

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law "Jolene" (my brother's wife) and my husband have never gotten along; but I only recently discovered that the rest of my family is not too fond of my husband, either. "George" can be an overbearing, temperamental, insulting know-it-all at times; but he can also be sweet, and kind, and caring, too. This is the side of him my family does not seem to notice.

A few weeks ago, my mother held a party for my father's 65th birthday celebration. Everyone was having a great time, but after the cake was cut and slices of it were being passed around, things melted down quicker than the ice cream. My two and a half year old daughter, "Sassi" had somehow gotten hold of the knife used to slice the cake - the one metal knife among the plastic - and was about to stick it into an electrical outlet. Jolene saw what was about to happen and since she was too far away from Sassi to stop her in time, she yelled at her. She said, "NO, Sassi! You put that down RIGHT NOW!". Sassi was so surprised she did drop the knife - and then started to cry, which upset George.

George, not liking Jolene to begin with, reprimanded Jolene in front of everyone; saying it was inappropriate of her to yell at Sassi and demanded that Jolene apologize to Sassi for upsetting her. The look on Jolene's face told me this was not going to happen and I tried to intervene before things got worse, but George shushed me. Seeing this sent Jolene - a feminist - over the edge, and she told George exactly where he could shove the knife that Sassi had been holding, before storming off. My family just stood by and laughed - partly to relieve the tension, and partly because it was kind of funny to everyone but George. George then proceeded to turn on my mother, asking her why the house was not child-proofed; to which she responded, "because no children live here". George insisted we leave immediately, which we did.

It has been two weeks since we left the party, and George is still steaming about it. He will not allow my brother or sister-in-law to see Sassi until "she gets the apology she deserves" and refuses to allow me bring Sassi to visit my Mom until she has the house "professionally child-proofed". I think that George is being completely ridiculous, and once again presenting himself as a complete jerk to my family. Do you have any advice on how to mediate this situation?

Signed,
Torn Between My Marriage And My Family

Dear Torn Between My Marriage And My Family:

I would first like to say that I am glad that nothing unfortunate happened to your little girl. It would have been an absolute tragedy if she had succeeded in sticking a metal knife into an electrical outlet. I have to ask: If this had happened, who would your husband be blaming for Sassi's injuries? Would he be lashing out at Jolene - who saw what was happening - for not yelling at your daughter to drop the knife? It sounds to me that Jolene was in a no-win situation with your husband, and it appears that she knew it. Although her display of temper was uncalled for, I, too, am getting a snicker out of imagining the scene.

George was completely out of line in so many ways. First, if he had an issue with Jolene yelling at Sassi he should have approached her privately - or better yet, had you tacitly approach her; he should not have reprimanded her, like he would a child, in front of everyone. Second, Jolene does not owe Sassi an apology. I do not know where George gets off thinking that a toddler deserves an apology being scared out of committing a life-threatening act. Third, he should not have "shushed" you in front of your family when you tried to mediate the brewing confrontation between him and Jolene. He treated you as one would a child, and if anyone is owed an apology it is you. Fourth, he has no right to demand that your mother get the house "professionally childproofed". Although, as grandparents, your parents should take steps towards child-proofing the house; your mother's reaction tells me that there is more to this argument than your letter reveals.

You do not say why Jolene and George do not get along; but you do make mention that Jolene is "a feminist", which has me connecting the dots and seeing a better picture. The fact that your entire family, and not just Jolene, is not fond of your husband is something you should take into consideration as you try to mediate the situation. I suggest that you speak with your family privately - without George - and ask them for their frank opinion of him, and why they feel as they do about him. Once all the cards are on the table, you can go about mediating the situation; illustrating to your family the ways in which George is "sweet, and kind, and caring, too". Hopefully, you will be able to work from there. Both sides - your family and George - will have to be open to compromise, and to discussing the issues as mature adults, in order to repair these damaged family ties. Otherwise, the only one having to decide which side to take will be you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Seeks Favor With Un-favored Daughter After Favorite Sons Say No

Dear Tazi:

I was born out-of-wedlock, and my mother never misses a chance to remind me that she could have had an abortion or put me up for adoption, but no; she carried me to term and kept me in spite of the social scandal it was at the time. Growing up, I was made to feel like I was not good enough; and when Mom got married and had five children (all boys) with her husband, I became a persona non grata.

When I turned eighteen I escaped my parents’ house and moved away with a friend. I met my husband, “Donald”, while working at a coffee shop. He was in his final year of business school at the time and really could not afford to buy a coffee every day; but he really wanted to see me, too! (This explained why he always bought a small coffee, and paid for it with loose change). When I told my parents how we met, they said it would never last and that a man who could not even afford a coffee was not the kind of man I should marry.

It has been ten years since our wedding (which my parents refused to attend) and Donald and I are still happily married. He owns his own investment firm, and he are financially stable in spite of the difficult economy. Overall, we are successful as a couple and individuals and I am happy with my life. Now, my mother is trying to ruin it.

Mother’s husband recently left her for a younger woman, and she is devastated. She is unable to support herself and has not worked in years – my step-father is well-off – and has no marketable skills or the desire to learn any; instead, she is demanding to move in with Donald and me.

Once again my mother is reminding me that she could have had an abortion or turned me out, but she raised me anyway, and now that she needs a home and someone to care for her I am coldly turning my back on her. Before I could say anything, Donald stepped up and told her off! He told her she was a horrible mother to me and that he would never, ever allow her to live with us; that anyone who would dare speak so abusively to his wife was not welcome in our home. Tazi, have I told you yet how much I love my husband?

My problem now is that my mother has told everyone she knows that my husband is an ogre who refuses to allow her to set foot in my house; that he is keeping us separated against my will. My five half-brothers have all called and left nasty messages for us saying how awful we are that we won’t take Mother in during her time of need. Tazi, all five of them own their own homes and have plenty of room for her! They simply refuse to offer her living space because, as the youngest told me, “you’re the daughter; you get her, that’s how it goes”.

Tazi, I do not mind what my brothers say about me and Donald – I know that it is simply their way of trying to get me to buckle so they won’t get stuck with Mother – but I am upset that Mother’s friends think my husband is some kind of evil, controlling beast. Should I try to make contact with them to correct the impression my mother has given? Or do you think that would further complicate things?

Signed,
Cinderella

Dear Cinderella:

I am so glad you found your Prince, because your mother sounds like a very abusive woman. You sound like you have adjusted quite well in life, in spite of your difficult upbringing, and I am very impressed with the way your husband stands by your side to protect you. Normally, I would question whether or not you were okay with him speaking up to your mother on your behalf; but it sounds like you had no problem with him handling this particular fastball. So long as he allows you to speak your mind independently, and only acts the role of Knight in Shining Armor when he knows this is your preference, I have no issue with his actions. Is your mother aware that this is the dynamic between you and Donald? If not, I can see why she would think him “an ogre”.

Moving forward, I would give your mother’s friends more credit than you currently are; remember that your half-brothers have also refused to take dear old Mother into their homes, and this is not something that will go unnoticed in the gossip circles. Calling your mother’s friends to give your side of the story will only add fuel to this raging fire.

Your mother is obviously in a bind, one that I am certain she will manage to get out of on her own. As cruel as her statements to you have been, they do hold a lot of truth; only a strong woman would have been able to go against the tide of the times and have a child out-of-wedlock. Do not allow your mother’s guilt-tripping to derail your life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Ex-Boyfriend" Needs "Closure" To Let Go; May Suffer From Erotomania

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend (and I hesitate to elevate him to that status) "Spencer" - who I only dated for a few months - has enough issues to fill a month's worth of your columns; thus the reason he is an EX-boyfriend/guy I briefly dated. As I mentioned, we only dated for a few months (not quite two); but he refuses to leave me alone. He keeps asking if we can "try again". He suggests that we get together for coffee to discuss "what issues each of us needs to address and focus on changing" in order for the relationship to work.

First off, I do not believe we were together long enough to define what Spencer and I had as a "relationship"; and second, I do not want to get back together with him, so why should I focus on changing who I am to suit him? When I pointed these facts out to him (much more tactfully than I do here) Spencer went off into a tirade about how I am refusing to accept my "share of the responsibility for the failure of our relationship" and that this issue is adding to his already heavy stress load. Tazi, our relationship failed because he is a self-centered dreamer who is all talk and no action. With his charming personality he can win people over until they discover the truth about him: that every word out of his mouth is a lie; that he suffers from a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth; and that his charm is all that he has going for him. When I explained this to Spencer - in those exact words - he told me that I should get counseling, since I am obviously "deflecting" my own issues of low self-esteem onto him, and that he would be willing to accommodate me by attending couples' counseling with me. I do not suffer from low self-esteem, do not need counseling, and certainly do not want to attend couples' counseling with him because we are not - and never were - a couple! The relationship was never said to be exclusive, nor do I believe my actions led him to believe it was!

Tazi, I admit that I broke things off with him rather suddenly; telling him over the phone one night that I did not see a future between us and that I think we should make a clean break of things, but at least I told him voice to voice and not via text message. Spencer keeps telling me that I have "denied" him the "closure" he needs to move on with his life, and that I am not being fair to him by changing my phone number (which did not work; he managed to get the new one from a mutual acquaintance unfamiliar with the situation), ignoring his calls, and refusing delivery of the flowers he tries to send me. Short of taking out a restraining order against the guy, what can I do to get him to leave me alone? Should I meet him for coffee just this once to prove to him that there is nothing there?

Signed,
Moved On

Dear Moved On:

Obviously, whatever occurred between you and Spencer meant a lot more to him than it did to you. What the dynamic was between the two of you is something you do not mention - did you see each other every day? Once or twice a week? A few dates? Hot and heavy? You mention that exclusivity was never discussed; but it appears that Spencer assumed it. For this one reason, it would have been more appropriate to break up with him in person, not over the phone. Should Spencer call you again, I think a quasi-apology (from you) expressing this fact would be appropriate. You do not have to get all remorseful; just a simple, "Spencer, obviously our friendship meant more to you than I realized, and I should have respected your feelings enough to break up with you in person. However, what's done is done. I have moved forward with my life, and it would be best if you did the same". Notice that the words "I'm sorry" do not appear anywhere in the above statement.

If Spencer continues to suggest that you get together to discuss where things went wrong, answer the phone ONE TIME, to simply repeat that you have moved forward with your life and think it would be best if he moved on, as well. If he continues to demand "closure" tell him that this is the best that he is going to get from you. Ignore any further phone calls from him, as well as any other form of attempted contact - by giving him your attention you are giving him what exactly what he wants. It does not matter that you are thinking horrible thoughts about him; the point is, you are thinking of him.

If Spencer decides to bring things to the next level by following you around in person or showing up at places you frequent at times he knows you will be there, do your best to ignore him. If he approaches you, report him to the management; they will most likely ask him to leave the building. If he starts creeping on you via social media, block him and/or turn your page private for a few weeks - eventually, he will give up on you.

If none of these tactics work - or especially if they make the situation worse - Spencer may suffer from a rare (but very real) mental illness called "erotomania", a very serious disorder in which the stalker believes their victim(s) are truly in love with them but are just playing hard to get; and the more you push them away, the deeper they believe that you really and truly love them. In a case such as this - and you will know it if it is such a case - legal intervention will be necessary to secure your personal safety and mental well-being. An excellent book on this topic is I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love, a first-person account by Dr. Doreen Orion. Included in the book is a chapter on resources for the victims of erotomaniacs. I wish you all the best. Please write back to me to let me (and my readers) know how things turn out for you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Barb-Throwing Father-In-Law A Menace To Young Family

Dear Tazi:

You have got to be the sweetest kitty-cat on the face of the earth, taking time out of your busy nap schedule to help us humans with our problems. Will you please help me with mine?

My father-in-law, "Chuckie" is an absolute nightmare. The man is mentally abusive, and gets off on making people cry. When I first met my husband, he told me to my face that I wasn't good enough for his son, "Barry". At our wedding (mine and Barry's) Chuckie stood up as if to toast us and announced he was starting a betting pool on how long our marriage would last, inviting the guests to place their wagers. When I got pregnant with our first child, Chuckie asked Barry (to both of our faces) if he was sure it was his kid, since "your wife is such a slut"! Tazi, I am not a slut and yes, the child is Barry's!

I am now pregnant with my second child (my first is almost two) and Chuckie is at it again, telling Barry that I will be "two tons of fun" after our second child is born, based on the fact that I did not lose the last 10 pounds from my first pregnancy. I know that my husband loves me unconditionally - and he has told me as much, in case I did not - but the stress of being around Chuckie is taking its toll on me. I do not want him visiting the house (he complains that I am a poor housekeeper, which I am not) and I do not want him around the children. My husband feels the same way, but will not stand up to his father and allows him to see our young son whenever he wants, which means Chuckie is over all the time.

I have tried kicking Chuckie out but he refuses to leave, saying "[his] son's paycheck pays the mortgage", and until Barry kicks him out he will "stay as long as he [darn] well pleases!" He then taunts me, telling me to "call the cops" if I don't like it. I am sorely tempted to do just that, but I know that it would only put my husband deeper into the middle of the problem; maybe even forcing him to choose between his father and me. Do you have any less drastic suggestions?

Signed,
Not Perfect, But Perfect For Barry

P.S. Barry's mother passed away years ago, so I cannot seek her out for assistance!

Dear Not Perfect...:

Does Chuckie have a key to your house? If so, change your locks; and do not open the door to him when he stops by to see your child. That solves the problem of his invading your home when his son is not there. If Chuckie comes there when your husband is home, that makes him a guest of your husband - not you, so feel free to take your child out to the park, for ice-cream, on errands, or whatever excuse you need to get the two of you out of the house while Chuckie is there. This allows for you and your husband to execute your desire to keep the children from Chuckie without putting your husband in the position of standing up to his father. (A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust to him for not standing up for you, though!).

If Chuckie complains that you do not allow him to visit the children, tell him why you are keeping them from him: because he is mentally abusive, and you will not have them learning such atrocious habits. Once Chuckie sees that his comments are not playful or fun (as I am sure he sees them) and that hurling them at you will have negative consequences for him, he may decide to lighten up a bit. If he does not, continue to do what you must to protect your children from Chuckie's hateful and hurtful behavior, even if it means allowing only minimal (and always supervised) contact with him.

As for the insults Chuckie hurls at you in front of your husband: turn the insults around. If Chuckie calls you a slut, tell him that Barry got his taste in women from his father. If Chuckie calls you a bad housekeeper, hand him a mop and challenge him to do better. If Chuckie calls you fat, tell him that "not everyone can carry all their fat between their ears like you", implying that he is a "fathead". In time, you will learn how to stand up for yourself; and your father-in-law will either let up on the insults, having felt their sting; or you will discover that he enjoys the barb-throwing - at which point you will need to decide whether or not to ignore him.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Thank you for all the lovely compliments! I do appreciate them! Purrrrrrrr....


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

This Little Bird Tweets Too Much

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who has been begging me for months to join Twitter, so I finally broke down and created an account just to shut her up. The cool thing is that I discovered I like it a lot more than I thought I would; the uncool thing is that my friend tweets at least a hundred times a day – I know because I counted!

“Jayne” will tweet about the most mundane things, like “Looked out the window and saw it was raining. Now I can’t go for a walk at lunch” or “Have to go to the bathroom. BRB.” These are things that nobody but Jayne actually cares to know, but she posts anyway. Literally everything Jayne does shows up on her Twitter feed, clogging the feeds of those who follow her. I tried unfollowing her, but she took it so personally it was like World War III so I added her back.

The worst part of Jayne’s behavior is that she almost never bothers to read things that other people post, and on the off chance she does she will only leave comments as they pertain to her. When I recently got a big promotion at work, I shared the happy news via Twitter. Instead of simply congratulating me like everyone else, Jayne ranted about how unfair life is; that she “deserves a big promotion" – just like in that old song 9 to 5!” Twitter limits each tweet to 140 characters, but Jayne gets around that by writing “(1/__)” at the end of one tweet and continues on in a second or even third tweet. When she in on a run, she can go seven or eight tweets just to complete a thought. She is really sucking the fun out of Twitter!

When I first accepted Jayne invitation to join Twitter, I thought it was because she wanted to keep up with my life and to banter back and forth with me. I now realize that she was just trying to increase her online audience and feed her own ego. I feel like I am being used, Tazi. I don’t want to quit Twitter, I just want to quit Jayne’s never-ending tweets. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Logging Off Of Jayne

Dear Logging Off Of Jayne:

Victims of Twitter addicts everywhere are nodding their heads in agreement, and are probably re-tweeting this column about the “Jayne” on their feed (at least I hope they are! I need the publicity!). Since unfollowing Jayne resulted in hurt feelings and discontent on her end, I would not suggest doing it again for the simple fact that it caused you enough discomfort to re-follow The Human Tweet Machine.

Here is a suggestion that will take some effort on your part – how much depends on how many people you follow and followers you have – but it could partially solve your Jayne issues: Set up a new Twitter account (using a different e-mail address) as your active account and leave your current account as your foil. It appears that Jayne is pretty self-absorbed and will not notice that you have created a second Twitter account where you connect with and follow those who interest you. This should solve the issue of Jayne hijacking your tweet feed; however, the issue of her self-centeredness remains.

If you are comfortable with Jayne just the way she is, you need go no further than creating a new Twitter account. If, on the other hand, you are uncomfortable with her constant need for an audience you will need to distance yourself from Jayne until you feel comfortable enough to stand up to her when she starts to steamroll on over you. Twice in your short letter you provide examples of how Jayne has bullied you – first into shining the spotlight on her; second by stealing the spotlight from you. This is something for you to think about going forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Being Overweight Is Not An Excuse For Abuse

Dear Tazi:

I am a woman in my twenties. My whole life I have been on the chubby side, which has had an effect on my self-esteem. Because of this, I have never felt comfortable dating; so I do not have much experience with men. For the past few months I have been dating a man I will call “James” who is everything a woman could want in a man. How I managed to snag him, I have no idea; but he is as committed to me as I am to him…or at least I think he is.

James tells me that if I loved him as much as he loves me, I would work harder to lose weight. He says he wants me to be as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside; and that I have a pretty face, but it’s tainted by my "lumpy figure". Tazi, I have tried dieting and exercise; and it works for a while; but then I start to miss my favorite snacks, or I am just not in the mood to go to the gym and I slide back into my bad habits and put back on all the weight that I lost.

My Mom tells me I need to stop dieting to please someone else and start doing it to please me; but I am not unhappy with my weight – at least, not unhappy enough to commit to a diet and exercise program that will maintain my perfect weight. My best friends tell me to dump James; that I can do so much better than a man who tells me I am fat, but James have never actually used that word. Besides, it is like I already said, James is everything a woman could want in a man; and I think my friends are just jealous that in spite of the fact that they are all perfect looking I am the one who landed God’s gift to women!

Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate myself to stick to a diet and exercise program? I would like to lose 15 pounds and be bikini-ready for summer!

Sincerely,
Chubby Lovey

Dear Chubby Lovey:

I have a great suggestion on how to lose a TON of weight fast – drop the millstone around your neck. You know, the one you call “James” because the man is bringing you down! Just because you are overweight does not give him the right to be mentally abusive towards you. If James cannot accept you for who you are, he has no business dating you.

It sounds to me that James gets a sick thrill out of putting you down and trying to control you by controlling your weight. Admittedly, he has never called you “fat”; but “lumpy” isn’t exactly a compliment, now is it? It does not matter how much weight you lose, it will never be enough for James; he will always see you as somehow less than perfect. Your friends are looking at the situation from an outside point of view, so please do not dismiss them so quickly – they may be seeing something that you do not. Trust me when I tell you that they are not jealous, but merely concerned about you.

Twice you say James is “everything a woman could want in a man”, yet you do not describe his positive attributes. Are you certain that this “God’s gift to women” did not just tell you that he is all that, and has you believing him? Your low self-esteem could be affecting your judgment. You tell me that you and James have only been dating for “the past few months” but claim that you are committed and deeply in love. Far be it for me to question the depth of your love for each other, but I have to say that James sounds like he has the depth of a puddle. I would tread gingerly if I were you.

Since you ask me for some diet and exercise tips, I will tell you what I know, and what you have already discovered: there is no silver bullet when it comes to permanent weight loss and maintenance. Some people are blessed with wonderful metabolisms that allow them to eat whatever they want and not gain weight – those people are generally called teenagers, and they outgrow it as they age. For the rest of us a regular, manageable regimen of diet and exercise is required to stay physically and mentally fit.

You do not have to go to the gym daily – three days a week is optimal – nor do you have to completely give up your favorite snacks; just indulge in them as a treat or reward for accomplishing a goal, not as an every-day part of your diet. Unless there is something wrong with your hormonal balances (a visit to the doctor could check this for you), you should start to notice a difference in your weight within a week or two. In order to stay motivated, try hanging your bikini on the refrigerator door as a reminder of what you are working to achieve. It is my hope that once you start to lose weight, your self-esteem will improve; I am with your mother on this one – if you want to lose weight, you must do it to please yourself and not anybody else.

Snuggles,
Tazi

James is being awarded a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust! Here it is... -T.K.




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In An Abusive Marriage, Something Has Got To Give

Dear Tazi:

Do you remember the old song “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” That is the story of how I met my husband, “Zack” who is in full-blown mid-life crisis mode. Zack has joined a gym, bought a sports car, and by the time this letter is printed will have had a facelift. My marriage was not the greatest before Zack went overboard on his self-improvement kick – we have been married for 15 years and the spark is long gone – but now it has become intolerable. I am waiting for him to get a mistress so I will have a reason to leave him (our prenuptial agreement has an adultery loophole that voids it, so I would get a lot more if he cheated).

I have always worked hard to remain fit and attractive, but at 38 I no longer have the body I did when I was 21 and a size 3. Zack is pressuring me to have a “body sculpt” done, which involves a liposuction, breast lift, and facial improvements. I have no desire for plastic surgery and I do not think I need it. I am actually happier with my looks now than when I was younger, having filled out in all of the right places.

Zack’s pressure to get a body sculpt is starting to get on my nerves. This morning he acted like he wanted to be intimate with me, and then pushed me away saying “who replaced my wife with this whale?” Tazi, I am a size 6! I am not sure how long I can continue to live with Zack’s snide comments. He is hardly Mr. America – before he joined the gym he had a 44 waist; he is now down to a 38 and looking good, but not so good that he can call me fat. The thought of leaving scares me – I haven’t worked since we got married – and I am not sure what I could do to support myself, short of going back to working as a cocktail waitress. If I leave, I get almost nothing thanks to the prenup I signed. What to do, Tazi?

Signed,
Kajagoogooed

Dear Kajagoogooed:

First off, it was Human League, not Kajagoogoo that sang the song you reference. Second, after fifteen years of marriage I would question the validity of your prenuptial agreement, especially if the marital assets have grown significantly over that time. Since your agreement so heavily favors your husband, I am led to believe that you did not have legal representation when this agreement was signed, which might sway a judge to invalidate it, especially if you can prove that it was signed under duress; your husband is mentally abusive, which leads me to wonder if this was the case.

Right now, you should contact a good marriage counselor as well as a good divorce lawyer; if Zack will not go with you to visit the first than you should go alone to visit the second. Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar may be a step-down from your current lifestyle, but regaining your sense of self-worth will be invaluable. Due to the length of your marriage, if you decide to divorce, a judge may order your husband to pay alimony and/or educational costs so you can train for a career and “find a much better job”. Although I hate to advocate divorce, I refuse to advise someone to stay in an abusive marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Controlling Fiancé Needs To Go, Not Childhood Memento

Dear Tazi:

I have a favorite stuffed animal that my father won for me at the fair, back when I was a little girl. It’s just a silly, little stuffed bear; but it means the world to me. Daddy won it for me just a few days before he died in a car accident, so “Benson” became a symbol of his love for me. Even though I have long outgrown the need to sleep with stuffies, Benson has a place of honor on my bed.

Benson has followed me wherever I have gone at night, from sleepovers at friends’ houses (they all know how much Benson means to me and why) to my college dormitory, where I discovered other people have their own special mementoes from childhood. Benson is as much a part of me as breathing, and I cannot imagine shoving him aside – he has even gone on business trips with me, sitting on the nightstand next to my bed.

My problem is that I am getting married in a few months, and my fiancé does not like Benson. He says that Benson played an important role in my life, acting as a surrogate in place of the man in my life (my father) but now that he is to be my husband he will be the protective man in my life. He wants me to leave Benson behind after we are married. I am not so sure that I can do that. Benson was never a “surrogate” for my father – no stuffed creature could replace a living human being; but he is an important physical reminder of my father’s love for me. Daddy threw baseballs at a stack of milk jugs until his arm just about fell off, all because he knew how much I wanted that bear! My fiancé can’t understand this, and has threatened to dispose of Benson should he find him anywhere in our marital home. I am not sure what to do; I do not want to put Benson in danger of being destroyed, but I do not want to leave him at my mother’s house, either. What do you suggest, Tazi? Is it time to dump Benson and move on with my life?

Signed,
Daddy’s Girl

Dear Daddy’s Girl:

No, it is not time to dump Benson and move on with your life (unless he is a real-life Ted); it is time to dump your fiancé and move on with your life. Any man who would be as callous and controlling to threaten to “dispose” of something that has such deep, personal meaning to you has major control issues. Yes, Benson was given to you by another man, but that man was your later father – not an ex-boyfriend!

If you cannot find it in your heart to call off your wedding, I strongly suggest postponing it until the two of you have had several pre-marital counseling sessions which include a clearing of the air on issues like Benson. I hate to be so blunt in matters of the heart, but I see nothing but trouble ahead if you marry this man. I wish I could be more encouraging, but I cannot. I also realize that you will probably not take my advise, unless you were writing because you were looking for someone to confirm the choice you have already made in your heart. I wish you all the best. Please write back and let me and my readers know where life takes you.

Snuggles to you and Benson,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beauty Pageants Are Not For Every Child (Or Every Parent!)

Dear Tazi:

I have absolutely HAD IT with my ex-husband! What ever it was I once saw in the man has disappeared from both view and memory, and the only reason I still have contact with him is because he is the father of my daughters, ages 5 and 3 (not that he does much fathering).

"Jordan" is a horrible failure in life because he refuses to commit to seeing a project through to its finish. He will start out with the best of intentions, but then things will get hard; inconvenient; or both and he he will simply give up because he is no longer enjoying himself. Of course there will always be reasons for why someone else is to blame for his failure - from his supervisor at work giving him too many hours and burning him out (which is why he quit his last job) to being too distracted to concentrate because it was basketball season and he had money riding on the game (his excuse for failing out of the vocational program that he INSISTED was going to turn his fortunes around). Do you need to here more? I have several, but each one ends the same way: with Jordan quitting mid-way through and being unable to pay his child support because he can barely support himself.

Thankfully, I do not NEED Jordan's child support money to get by - my current husband and I both make excellent incomes, and any money we receive from Jordan is banked for the children's futures. As of this writing, Jordan has not paid child support in almost two years. Because he is not paying support, I have the legal right to withhold the children from him, which is something I have not done because I feel it would only hurt my children to cut Jordan out of their lives completely. However, I am seriously considering taking that path after Jordan's latest shenanigans.

Jordan has been watching the TV reality series Toddlers and Tiaras, and has decided that he would like to travel the country as "manager" to our girls as they compete competitively in beauty pageants. His plan to cover the expenses is to have local businesses "sponsor" our daughters, charging more than the actual expenses and keeping the overage as his "manager's cut". He believes that the money the children could earn if they win would bring them fame and fortune and, as their manager, would put him on the path to financial solvency as he accepted new "clients" with each pageant win. I am absolutely, positively, 100% against such an idea! And besides that fact, neither of my girls is the pageant type - both are more into athletics than ruffles and lace - and I will not force them down this path. On his last visitation day, he tried to get both girls to "frill up" for photographs and head-shots, and both girls came home hysterical, crying to the point of exhaustion.

Jordan has threatened to take me to court and sue me for access to the girls in order to put his "business plan" into play, saying the judge will see that he is trying to do what is best for all involved, and that I am not only standing in his way but turning the girls into tomboys, as well. I doubt he would win, but I can't help but wonder, "What if??". My husband has suggested we counter-sue for the termination of Jordan's parental rights, which would allow my husband to legally adopt the girls. Both of my daughters love my husband, and consider him to be more of a father than Jordan...but still, I am hesitant to seek termination of parental rights. Jordan IS their birth father, after all. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,
Wondering How Far To Push

Dear Wondering How far To Push:

I can tell from the tone of your letter that there is no love left between you and your ex-husband, so I find it admirable that you still care for his feelings and seek to nurture a bond between him and your daughters. My question is, are you certain that this is what is best for the children? If Jordan was physically abusing them, would you still try to maintain visitation with him? I am certain the answer to that question is "no", so why are you trying to maintain a relationship when it is obvious that Jordan is mentally abusing your girls?

For a child to come home crying "to the point of exhaustion" because she was forced to "frill up" for photographs makes me wonder what kind of photographs Jordan was taking! I am not accusing the man of sexually exploiting his daughters, but the red-flag is there...exploitative photos of children that fall just short of pornography are often used as a way to build a client base of buyers who want to see more, as well as acclimate the children to taking these kinds of pictures. If I were you, I would demand to see any photos that Jordan took of the girls while they were "frilled up". If he refuses or claims to have deleted them from his camera, I would see that as a further red flag, and end Jordan's access to the children immediately.

You asked for my advice, so I have given it. You did not ask for my personal opinion, but I feel compelled to give it anyway: If your daughters consider your husband to be their father, and your husband is willing to adopt them as his own, I suggest that you entertain the idea. Jordan does not sound like any kind of role model for your young children. A termination of parental rights does not mean you must terminate all contact and visitation - if you want, Jordan can still remain a part of your daughters' lives; but he will have no legal say in which to attempt his hairbrained - and possibly crimminal - schemes.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's First Twitter Letter! Subject: Bullying In Schools

Dear Readers:

Feel free to send your questions to me via Twitter or Facebook! Here is a question from one reader, in follow-up to my column on the Cranston (RI) Prayer Banner Controversy:

@TaziKat what is your solution to bullying? Do you feel that there is some a mechanism that will help reduce it in schools, etc? #asktazi

Signed,
IceCreamJunkie

Dear IceCreamJunkie:

Bullying is an interesting concept to me, as it is something unique to humans. No other animal derives joy from picking on a smaller or weaker being. In fact, unless we are seeking to eat the smaller/weaker being, we will either protect them as a member of the pack or ignore them completely as dead-weight.

Bullying is something that should not be occurring in schools - period. Schools have the ability to block social networking sites from their Internet servers, which is where most cyberbullying occurs; and I feel they should exercise this ability as a means to an end. School computers should be used for studying, not socializing. As for in-person bullying, it is up to the teachers and other school employees to take a stand and end it when they witness it and to bring the behavior to the attention of the proper authorities.

Bulling outside of school is a different issue altogether. In studying human behavior, I have noticed that human parents like their children to be the best at everything and have a tendency to take pride in the most minor accomplishments. A child who bullies shames his/her parents; therefore, parents must be made aware of their child's unacceptable behavior in order for change to occur. Spell it out to the parents: Your child's bullying shames your parenting skills. Furthermore, I recommend holding parents responsible when they claim ignorance of their child's online behavior. A child cannot cyberbully without access to the Internet (or a smart phone) and social networks. It is the parent who provides access to the Internet (or a smart phone) and social networking sites. I realize that many parents want to be their child's friend (for real, and on Facebook) but they must be a parent first, however unhappy their child is with that decision.

If a child is physically bullying another, that constitutes a criminal act - assault, and possibly battery depending on the extent of injuries inflicted. I cannot think of any parent that would not be concerned about their child physically assaulting another; however, if there are parents out there that just don't care than social services needs to intervene.

Last but not least, sometimes the person being bullied needs to learn to take a stand. If someone is harassing them on Facebook to the point that Facebook is no longer enjoyable than they need to stop going on Facebook! A person who willingly subjects themselves to the hurt of reading insults has no right to complain that their feelings have been hurt. If someone is impersonating them online, the proper authorities need to be contacted because this is a criminal act as well as a breach of the terms of service of social networking sites.

If someone is bullying someone else in person, it is best to master the art of indifference if they are unable to think of a witty comeback. Bullies bully in order to get a reaction out of their target. Like a barking dog, a bully will lose interest in its target when ignored.

I realize this last bit sounds harsh, like I am laying blame on the victim; but life beyond the school-yard does not care about your self-esteem. As an adult, your boss is not going to care that your feelings were hurt when s/he criticized your work; you exes aren't going to care that their moving on has left you despondent; and nobody is going to want to listen to the drama that occurs on Facebook when there are more important things to be done. In fact, they are going to wonder why you are wasting time online when there is real work to be done.

I also realize that many fear to report bullying, for fear the bullying will intensify. If it does than the additional bullying needs to be reported as well. The recent aftermath of the court decision regarding the Cranston (Rhode Island) High School Prayer Banner has resulted in cyberthreats against the student who brought the case. The Cranston Police are reviewing the threats and, if the threats seem credible, calling people in for questioning. This police action could not have happened if the student did not stand up for herself. Let this be a lesson to those who bully, and to those who would bully.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. When a parent bullies a child, that is abuse and must be reported to the authorities - by law.

Editor's Note: Following the original publication of this article, local news sources reported that the cyber-threats against Jessica Ahlquist have ceased.

Too Many Dating Deal Breakers Makes Woman Wonder If That Is A Deal Breaker, Too

Dear Tazi-Kat:

About four months ago, I started dating a man who is great in many ways, but has a few idiosyncrasies that I am not sure are “deal breakers”. To start, the term “deal breakers” is actually his; and in fact, he has a list of them ranging from smoking to whether or not a woman wears nail polish (he does not like either).

Once a week “Irwin” attends his “Boys Night Out”, which consists of a drop-in at the local pub. Most of his male friends attend once a month, since they are too busy to attend every week, but Irwin insists on attending every week so he “doesn’t miss anyone”. During baseball and football seasons, Irwin “plays” in a fantasy league (complete with a giant trophy for the winner!) that also meets once a week, bringing his evenings out to two nights a week; sometimes three, when the seasons overlap. I’d have no problem with this if Irwin did not take issue with me spending one Saturday night a month with my girlfriends.

Irwin insists that “Saturday night is date night”, but he never takes me out on Saturday night because it interferes with his TV viewing. Saturday night is his night to catch up on all the shows he DVR’d during the week while he was out with his friends. He tells me he would prefer it if I were there with him, but I really don’t like the shows he watches - shows like Criminal Minds and SyFy type stuff. However, if I want to see him on the weekends this is usually my only option. He has also tried to get me to delete my Facebook account, but that is where I drew the line, since it is how I keep in touch with my social circle (as opposed to fantasy sports and bar nights).

Another thing I have noticed is that Irwin can be very generous while being very cheap. If we go out to dinner, he will insist on footing the entire bill, but then complain about the cost of the meal. He also refuses to pay for things he feel should be free, like valet parking (which is free, but he refuses to tip the valet) or parking in general. We recently missed the entire first period of the Bruins game because he insisted on driving around until we found free parking – in Boston! Just as with dinner, when I offered to pay for parking so we would not miss the game, he refused.

Irwin does have his good points – he is sweet and gentlemanly, and treats his mother well – all of which are things I look for in a man. He has made it clear that he will only get serious with a woman he considers marriage material, which is why he has not asked me for a commitment yet; but at the same time he has told me he could never get serious about a woman who “plays the field”. He is constantly contradicting himself like this, so why am I so hesitant to end this relationship, Tazi-Kat? I recently asked him what kind of woman is the kind of woman he considers marriage material, but he refused to answer me because he didn’t want me to try and “mold” myself into his “perfect woman”. A part of me wants to leave…but a part of me wants to rise to the challenge Irwin has placed before me. What to do, Tazi-Kat?

Sincerely,
Irwin’s Girl?

P.S. I have already changed Irwin’s name to an alias, but I doubt he will see this letter. He does not believe in surfing the Internet or the use of social networking sites, like Facebook (where I found your column), so feel free to be as honest as possible.

Dear Irwin’s Girl:

After reading through your letter a few times, it would appear that Irwin enjoys having complete emotional control over women, which is a form of abuse – and that, dear lady, should be a “deal breaker” for you!

While I can understand why Irwin might not want to date a woman who smokes, I am curious as to what his problem with nail polish is. As far as I know it has never been associated with cancer or other health concerns, the way second-hand smoke is. To make the wearing of nail polish a “deal breaker” sounds like Irwin wishes to control your physical appearance. As for his social schedule – Boys Night Out, fantasy sports, and TV night – that is for him to keep, just as your social schedule should be yours to keep. The fact that he tries to control your social schedule is also bothersome.

Irwin’s attitude towards money is especially telling. You say he will insist on paying for dinner, and then complain about the cost of it. It sounds as though he is trying to guilt you into staying in as opposed to going out by subjecting you to negative commentary about the cost. The refusal to allow you to pay for parking – and going so far as to miss a full third of a very expensive hockey game – has absolutely nothing to do with finances. Instead it shows a need for complete control over the situation at hand, and perhaps over you. Remember, you were in the (presumably moving) car with him, unable to leave in spite of your desire to park and get into the arena.

Irwin has not asked for a commitment from you, because he will only get serious with a woman he considers marriage material; discourages you from seeing other people by informing you that he could never get serious about a woman who plays the field; and refuses to let on where you stand by evading your questions about what kind of woman he considers “marriage material”. I can see why you might consider this a challenge issued, because this is how those who mentally abuse reel in their victims: starting by playing hard to get, then breaking them down emotionally and mentally; leaving the victim in question of his/her own habits and behaviors, in order to mold them into the person they want – someone who is completely subservient to them.

I would suggest you walk away from Irwin now, without making excuses about the holidays being so close – because after the holidays comes Valentine’s Day, and after that whatever other special occasions that can be used to guilt you into staying in this unhealthy relationship. Please write back to me in a few months to let me know how you are doing!

-- Tazi-Kat