In-Law Trouble Puts Family At Odds

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law "Jolene" (my brother's wife) and my husband have never gotten along; but I only recently discovered that the rest of my family is not too fond of my husband, either. "George" can be an overbearing, temperamental, insulting know-it-all at times; but he can also be sweet, and kind, and caring, too. This is the side of him my family does not seem to notice.

A few weeks ago, my mother held a party for my father's 65th birthday celebration. Everyone was having a great time, but after the cake was cut and slices of it were being passed around, things melted down quicker than the ice cream. My two and a half year old daughter, "Sassi" had somehow gotten hold of the knife used to slice the cake - the one metal knife among the plastic - and was about to stick it into an electrical outlet. Jolene saw what was about to happen and since she was too far away from Sassi to stop her in time, she yelled at her. She said, "NO, Sassi! You put that down RIGHT NOW!". Sassi was so surprised she did drop the knife - and then started to cry, which upset George.

George, not liking Jolene to begin with, reprimanded Jolene in front of everyone; saying it was inappropriate of her to yell at Sassi and demanded that Jolene apologize to Sassi for upsetting her. The look on Jolene's face told me this was not going to happen and I tried to intervene before things got worse, but George shushed me. Seeing this sent Jolene - a feminist - over the edge, and she told George exactly where he could shove the knife that Sassi had been holding, before storming off. My family just stood by and laughed - partly to relieve the tension, and partly because it was kind of funny to everyone but George. George then proceeded to turn on my mother, asking her why the house was not child-proofed; to which she responded, "because no children live here". George insisted we leave immediately, which we did.

It has been two weeks since we left the party, and George is still steaming about it. He will not allow my brother or sister-in-law to see Sassi until "she gets the apology she deserves" and refuses to allow me bring Sassi to visit my Mom until she has the house "professionally child-proofed". I think that George is being completely ridiculous, and once again presenting himself as a complete jerk to my family. Do you have any advice on how to mediate this situation?

Signed,
Torn Between My Marriage And My Family

Dear Torn Between My Marriage And My Family:

I would first like to say that I am glad that nothing unfortunate happened to your little girl. It would have been an absolute tragedy if she had succeeded in sticking a metal knife into an electrical outlet. I have to ask: If this had happened, who would your husband be blaming for Sassi's injuries? Would he be lashing out at Jolene - who saw what was happening - for not yelling at your daughter to drop the knife? It sounds to me that Jolene was in a no-win situation with your husband, and it appears that she knew it. Although her display of temper was uncalled for, I, too, am getting a snicker out of imagining the scene.

George was completely out of line in so many ways. First, if he had an issue with Jolene yelling at Sassi he should have approached her privately - or better yet, had you tacitly approach her; he should not have reprimanded her, like he would a child, in front of everyone. Second, Jolene does not owe Sassi an apology. I do not know where George gets off thinking that a toddler deserves an apology being scared out of committing a life-threatening act. Third, he should not have "shushed" you in front of your family when you tried to mediate the brewing confrontation between him and Jolene. He treated you as one would a child, and if anyone is owed an apology it is you. Fourth, he has no right to demand that your mother get the house "professionally childproofed". Although, as grandparents, your parents should take steps towards child-proofing the house; your mother's reaction tells me that there is more to this argument than your letter reveals.

You do not say why Jolene and George do not get along; but you do make mention that Jolene is "a feminist", which has me connecting the dots and seeing a better picture. The fact that your entire family, and not just Jolene, is not fond of your husband is something you should take into consideration as you try to mediate the situation. I suggest that you speak with your family privately - without George - and ask them for their frank opinion of him, and why they feel as they do about him. Once all the cards are on the table, you can go about mediating the situation; illustrating to your family the ways in which George is "sweet, and kind, and caring, too". Hopefully, you will be able to work from there. Both sides - your family and George - will have to be open to compromise, and to discussing the issues as mature adults, in order to repair these damaged family ties. Otherwise, the only one having to decide which side to take will be you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unplanned Pregnancy Puts Man In A Bind

Dear Tazi:

Several months ago, I met a woman online (I'll call her "Cindy") and we hit it off really well; so we decided to meet in person. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex on our first date. Since I could never have a relationship with a woman of such loose morals, I chose not to see her again. (I realize this sounds like a double standard, but she initiated it). Shortly after this incident, Cindy called me to tell me that she was pregnant and that it was mine. I obviously have no proof of this, and for all I know she could have slept with a dozen guys that week; but Cindy insists I was the one, so I accepted her at her word and let her know that I support a woman's right to choose; which everyone knows is a euphemism meaning I would be willing to pay for half of the cost of an abortion. At least, I thought that's what everyone knew.

Upon hearing that I supported her right to choose Cindy told me she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do, and a few weeks later she called me back and told me that she had decided to keep the baby. When I told her that I did not want to have a child with her and demanded that she take care of the problem, she told me she was "exercising her right to choose". We argued, and I hung up on her and had my phone number changed. This week, I received a letter from an attorney demanding child support for the baby that I made very clear I did not want. Somehow, using whatever tactics these slime-ball lawyers use, the man found my home address and my employer information and is threatening to have my wages garnished if I do not agree to some sort of child support agreement.

Tazi, is this even legal? The man obviously invaded my personal privacy to track me down, and is now attempting to force me to agree to pay 25% of my (net) income "to avoid the inconvenience of going to court" and "the embarrassment of garnished wages". I am tempted to let this slut take me to court just so I can tell the judge my side of the story, but my friends have advised otherwise, saying that a court judgement could end up costing me an even larger percentage of my paycheck. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Stuck With The Wrong Choice

Dear Stuck With The Wrong Choice:

Is the "wrong choice' to which you refer the choice you made to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse with a woman you barely knew? Or was the wrong choice the decision you made to blow off the mother of your child, hoping that she would just go away and forget the baby that you and she created together?

Whether or not you wanted to pursue a relationship with Cindy or have a child with her was a decision that was removed from your hands the moment you removed something else from your pants. Nobody expects a one-night-stand to have such long-term consequences, but the possibility is there. You played a game of sexual Russian roulette and lost - now, you have to man up and accept the consequences of your actions.

My bigger concern is your belief that a woman's "right to choose" is a euphemism for offering to pay for half of the cost for an abortion. If that is the case, a woman's body and reproductive rights are still not her own, but something to be controlled by a man, which is a chilling thought. Cindy chose to keep the baby, knowing that her life would change - in some ways for the better, in others for the worse. Whether or not you choose to involve yourself in the life of your child is your business; but the responsibility of providing fair financial support is not a choice - it is a legal obligation, and an offer of 25% of your net income is a very generous offer, indeed. If I were you, I would jump at this opportunity because from the tone of your letter I find it difficult to believe that a judge would be sympathetic to your "side of the story". I would first demand a paternity test - but then, I am sure that you have already done that.

As an aside, you should also know that in this day and age, Cindy's attorney would not have to "invade" your privacy to find out your personal information - a visit to your Facebook page could tell him all he needed to know; a search on MyLife.com would give him even more information; and a copy of your IP address (which would have been stored in Cindy's computer under her Internet history) would also provide the personal information he needed to find you.

-- Tazi

(No snuggles for you!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is He A Liar? Or Just A Complete Fool?

Dear Tazi:

I am so torn up inside I don't know what to do, so I am writing to you for advice. I have been dating "Chuck" for about a year now. We met online, so I took my time getting to know him before meeting him in person since we had no mutual friends. One of the things he told me before we met was that he was hypoglycemic [suffers from low blood glucose] and that when stressed out his blood sugar will drop and he will "turn into someone he is not". He described it like how Bruce Banner gets when he turned into the Incredible Hulk (Chuck is a fan of Stan Lee comics).

Over the past several months, I have seen Chuck turn on people when stressed. He flies off into a rage until he is physically drained, and then demands some "pure fruit juice" to raise his blood sugar levels and set him back to normal. When these instances occur in public (restaurants, bars, etc.), it is very frightening; and management usually calls in the paramedics to see that he is okay. On every single occasion Chuck's blood sugar levels have been fine; but Chuck insists it is because he has had some fruit juice and time to recover before the paramedics arrive. It turns out that this is not the case at all.

Chuck and I recently attempted to see the opening of a new movie. I say "attempted" because even though the movie was playing in multiple theaters and we pre-purchased our tickets online, by the time we arrived at the theater only single seating was available, meaning Chuck and I would have been unable to sit together. This stressed Chuck out and by the time he got to speak to a manager, he was in full-fledged tantrum mode. I apologized to the manager, explained the situation, and asked for medical assistance. There was a fire station directly across the street from the movie theater, and the paramedics were able to arrive before Chuck could drink some pure fruit juice (he pushed away the sports drink that was offered to him, demanding "pure fruit juice"). The paramedics checked his blood sugar levels and declared them to be normal. Chuck demanded a recheck, and again they were well within the normal range. I was shocked.

As it turns out, Chuck is not hypoglycemic. In fact, he never was. He was never medically tested or diagnosed; he just decided on his own that low blood sugar was the reason he would irrationally fly off the handle when stressed. I was so disgusted by this revelation that I broke up with Chuck. My problem is, he wants to work things out between us; and I still love him - I think. A part of me wants to work things out; but the larger part of me is wondering who Chuck really is. Obviously, he is not hypoglycemic so his poor behavior cannot so easily be explained away. On the one hand, I feel like he lied to me about being hypoglycemic; but on the other hand, he honestly believed he was. I am so confused, Tazi! What should I do?

Signed,
Sugar, Sugar

Dear Sugar, Sugar:

Just to clarify, Chuck is not a doctor, health professional, or in any way shape or form trained to perform a medical diagnosis of hypoglycemia, right? And it has, in fact, been medically proven that he is not hypoglycemic?

Among other symptoms of hypoglycemia (such as dizziness, nausea, anxiety and panic attacks), a complete and total emotional meltdown under stress is not an uncommon reaction. It is, however, not an excuse for poor behavior. Whenever I have witnessed such an event occur the person lashing out has always been extremely apologetic and embarrassed of their behavior - not belligerent and demanding, as you have described Chuck's behavior. It sounds to me that Chuck has larger problems than just Web MD'ing a diagnosis that allows him to act like a spoiled toddler. It sounds to me like Chuck has some deep rooted anger management and denial issues.

I can understand why you are questioning who Chuck really is; and I would advise you not to reconcile with him until you are absolutely certain of the answer to this question. You say that you still love him; but does the Chuck you fell in love with even exist outside of his own mind? This is another question you will need answered before giving this relationship a second chance. As for Chuck's lies about being hypoglycemic: yes, he was lying to himself; but that does not make him - or his lies - virtuous. In my humble opinion, what it does make Chuck is a complete fool! If I were you, I would walk away from this man...and keep walking until he was out of sight - and out of mind.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Once Paid, Alimony Is No Longer His Money

Dear Tazi:

When I met my ex-wife, “Tammy”, she was in graduate school for Social Work; knowing that she would never be rich – even after she finished school – I suggested we get married right away, while she was still young and readily able to have children. It was a May-December romance (well, sort of; I am 30 years older than she) and I wanted an heir to carry on my name. After five years of marriage and no children, I divorced Tammy because it was obvious she was not going to give me what I needed; as it turns out, she is infertile. I felt lied to because I felt that this was something she should have known before we got married, but the court felt differently and awarded Tammy a divorce (not an annulment) and several years of alimony.



Since the divorce I have made my alimony payments on time and in full each week, but Tammy is not spending them. Her clothes come from secondhand stores and thrift shops; she lives in a comfortable apartment, but with a roommate to split the costs; and drives the same car she had when we were married – which is now five years old! Our old friends see her out and about and mention to me how far she has fallen financially since our divorce and suggest that I assist her, since Social Work does not pay anywhere near my income bracket. I simply smile and tell them that I pay plenty in alimony; that Tammy will do as Tammy wishes with it.

I never meant in any way to imply that Tammy had a drinking problem or a gambling problem, but this is how some people took it. I discovered this when Tammy showed up on my doorstep one morning demanding to know why I was spreading ugly rumors about her. Since we were confronting each other, I demanded to know what she was spending my alimony on if not to care for herself. When Tammy explained that she was banking it because I “will not always be here” I went through the roof! She is using my money to save for her future in case I die and can no longer pay alimony!

Tazi, I pay alimony so my ex-wife can properly represent my name to society (she did not go back to her maiden name after the divorce). I do not think it is right that my money will be supporting her – and possibly a new husband – after I have passed. This is money that I could be investing as a part of the estate that I will eventually go to my daughters and any future sons I might have. I presented this argument to my attorney, but he told me that it would not stand up in court – if anything, Tammy’s alimony might be adjusted for inflation and that I should accept things as they are.

Tazi, Tammy is a big fan of your column so I know that she is reading this letter. Will you please advise her to do what is morally right? Either spend the money on a decent and proper lifestyle or return it to me!

Signed,
Not Dead Yet

Dear Not Dead Yet:

I did not realize that it was possible for a heart of stone to beat, and yet you are living proof of it! I base this opinion on the fact that you:

1) Married your ex-wife for her youth which, in your mind, made her “readily able” to have children, your sole purpose for marrying her

2) Assumed that because of her chosen career field she would “never be rich”, as if money is everything in life

3) Divorced your wife after discovering she suffers from infertility

4) Assumed that she knew about – or should have known about – her infertility before you wed

You offer no sympathy for your ex-wife, who must have been heart-broken over the idea of never being a Mom and then having to go through a divorce because she was unable to provide you with an heir; you make thinly veiled statements that lead others to believe that she has a drinking problem, gambling problem, or worse; and then you attempt to take away her financial security because she presented you with your own mortality! Wow, you are an absolute prince!

You should continue to pay Tammy her alimony, if only for the fact that you once loved this woman enough to ask her to marry you and bear you a son, if not because it is court ordered of you. You should also apologize to Tammy for your demanding attitude. Once the money is paid it is hers to do with as she wishes. I think Tammy is right smart to be investing the money for emergencies; retirement; or whatever while living within her means, not your means. She is correct in saying that you will not be around forever and is wise to plan ahead. If you would like to leave a larger estate to your daughters I suggest that you invest in a “whole life” life insurance policy, which will guarantee a set inheritance; once you have a son (if you ever do) you can do the same to provide for him.

Perfunctory snuggles to you, Paws Up to Tammy (“”) (“”),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: Happy Smack A [French Word For Shower] Day!

Dear Readers:

Today is World Smack A [French Word For Shower] Day. Please celebrate accordingly, but safely. One never knows how a [French word for shower] will react at discovering the news that they are in fact a [French word for shower]. Now please excuse me, it's time for me to get my Tazi paw-slap on!



Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Waitress Misses Out On Tip To Hostess Who Stole Her Role

Dear Tazi:

I am a waitress, and I work very hard for my money. Like all waitresses, I have my pet peeves; the biggest being when someone does not tip me. I realize they are expressing displease for what they feel was poor service; but they have to understand that this is not always my fault.

The other day during a mid-afternoon shift, things were rather slow at the restaurant where I work; so the manager asked me to wipe down all of the tables and sweep the floors. While I was doing this, the hostess sat a single person in one of my booths for four. I figured the person was waiting for other people to arrive, so I went on with my cleaning. After about 15 minutes, the Hostess approached me and told me that my table guest was very upset that no server had arrived to even offer her a menu or a glass of water. I had no idea she wasn't waiting for others! The Hostess had not said anything to me! I apologized to the patron, brought her a menu and a glass of water and returned to cleaning. She did not seem too pleased with me but, short of throwing the Hostess under the bus, what could I do? Things went downhill from there.

Because I was cleaning, I lost track of the time and forgot that my one guest was probably waiting for me to take her order. By the time I got back to the table, she was already eating; having had already been served by the Hostess, who she had approached a second time. By the time the woman was ready to leave, she didn't even bother to ask me for the check - she just walked up to the register and asked the Hostess if she could please pay and be on her way. She then made a show of tipping the Hostess for the "all her assistance" and left me nothing!

I realize I was not as attentive to her as I should have been, but it was not my fault! The manager had set me to the task of cleaning - I can't keep an eye on my tables and clean, too! Rather than stiffing me on my tip and giving it to the Hostess (who makes several dollars an hour more than me) I would rather she have asked to speak to the Manager, so he could see that I was obviously overworked. This is not the first time I have been stiffed on a tip because people think tipping is optional, or a reward for good service. Tips are a large part of my income, and when I don't get them my paycheck suffers.

Thank you for allowing me to vent, Tazi!

Signed,
She Works Hard For the Money (So You'd Better Treat Her Right!)

Dear She Works Hard...:

You did not ask for advice, so I will not offer any. However, I will take the opportunity to vent right back (because this is my column, and I can!).

As the immortal Mr. Pink (of Reservoir Dogs fame) so succinctly put it, "The words 'too busy' should not be in a waitress' vocabulary!" Now, Mr. Pink was being a real [French word for shower]-bag, but the fact of the matter is that if you are too busy to serve your tables, YOU need to be the one approaching the Manager to complain - not the guest, who is there to enjoy a relaxing meal free from the behind-the-scenes drama of your workplace.

After seating your guest, the Hostess should have approached you to tell you she was a single diner (why did she seat her at a table for four?); however, you should not have brushed her off as you did. Then, to get so absorbed in your cleaning as to forget you had a guest waiting for you? I'm sorry, sweetie, but that is just an unacceptable excuse for ignoring your primary duty of waitressing, which should be serving your customers. Your attitude gives waitresses everywhere a bad name! What happens when you have several tables to serve? If you cannot multi-task, perhaps waitressing is not the job for you.

I have nothing but the highest respect for good waitresses! They do a job that, as my Mommie puts it, "I could never do well, which is why I don't work as one!". Nobody ever said waitressing is an easy job - it is very demanding, both physically and emotionally - and from the tone of your letter you don't seem to be cut out for it. Could this be the reason you are getting "stiffed" on your tips on a regular basis?

As for the debate over whether tipping is optional, or a reward for good service...I will into get into that. If my Readers wish to debate it in the comments section, I welcome them to do so and eagerly look forward to reading their comments!

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Breaks It Off With Man Of Too Many "Deal-Breakers"

Dear Tazi:

Back in November, I wrote to you about a man I was seeing (aka "Irwin") who had a long list of what he called "deal-breakers" in a relationship. You suggested that I "walk away" from Irwin ASAP without making excuses to stay because I did not want to be alone during the upcoming holiday season. You asked me to write back and let you know how things turned out, so I am writing to share my story.

I wasn't too thrilled with your advice, but kept it in mind as I gave Irwin a little more time and, as it would turn out, one more date. It was the week before Thanksgiving, and Irwin still had not mentioned what his plans were for Thanksgiving, so I finally decided to ask him to join my family and me for dinner. Irwin was delighted to accept; so I thought this meant he might actually be getting serious about me. I could not have been more wrong!

Thanksgiving was being held at my Aunt's house, and since she lives halfway between my place and Irwin's, I suggested that we meet there and gave Irwin explicit directions; complete with landmarks so he would not get lost. Dinner was to be served at 1:00 PM; so when Irwin did not show by 1:30 I got worried and tried to call him, to no avail. To make a long story short, Irwin did not show up until 4:00 PM, upset that we did not hold dinner for him! His explanation for being so late was that he does not like to eat a big holiday meal until halfway between lunch and dinner, so as not to be hungry again just before going to bed.

Not only did Irwin not offer an apology for his tardiness; but he gave my aunt an attitude about "scheduling dinner at a time that was not convenient for an honored guest". I do not know where Irwin got off thinking he was an "honored guest", but I was completely humiliated by his ungrateful behavior. To make matters worse, Irwin told me that the cool reception he received from my family was "a possible deal-breaker" and that I might want to suggest that they apologize to him for their rudeness if our relationship was to continue. Needless to say, I broke up with him on the spot.

I spent the holiday season single, much to the relief of my family, and realized that I would rather be alone than settle for someone who treats me like a lesser person. Valentine's Day is approaching, and although I am a bit disappointed to be spending it single; I realize that there are worse fates to suffer - for example, I could still be dating Irwin!

Signed,
Footloose and Fancy Free

Dear Footloose and Fancy Free:

Thank you for writing to follow up with me and my other readers! I am sorry to hear that you had such an embarrassing experience over Thanksgiving; but you must remember that such events are the stuff that family legends are made of; and that someday, you will look back and laugh over it.

I wish you all the best in your hunt for Mr. Right, and am glad to know that you are refusing to settle for Mr. Right Now.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Votes Are In; Man Is Proclaimed #$@% By His Friends

[Ed. Note: The explicit language in the following letter has been removed, but is alluded to out of necessity. The content of the letter may offend some readers. The response should not].

[Note to Non-American Readers: The insult used in the following letter is the worst thing you can call an American man. It refers to a feminine post-menstrual cleansing product. --TK]

Dear Taz:

Apparently, I am a [French word for "shower"] bag. A while back on Facebook, someone started "National Smack A [French word for "shower"] Bag Day" and I received no less than a dozen "*SMACK*" comments on my page. At first, I had no idea why I was getting these comments, then someone explained to me that it was Smack A [French word for "shower"] Bag Day and asked me if I needed them to paint me a clearer picture.

Taz-man, I had no idea that this is what people thought of me. I always thought of myself as the guy with the cool charm that ladies love - kinda like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Bond - with a sense of humor and intelligence that puts me a cut above your ordinary average guy. Could I be wrong? Could this explain why I have had trouble finding a woman that will keep me around for more than just a few months? And why people make fun of my job as a pre-owned luxury-car salesman? Am I that much of a [French word for "shower"] bag? Or do you think my friends were just [expletive] with me?

Signed,
[French word for "shower"] Bag?

Dear [French word for "shower"] Bag:

Did you really have to be so explicit with the language? I wasn't going to print your letter because of the content, but realized that this is an issue that desperately needs more attention among the Jersey Shore generation, so here it is. Apologies to any readers I have offended for publishing this. I know I felt like rinsing my eyeballs in Clorox bleach after reading it. Now, onto the issue at hand...

Note that I left off the "?" at the end of your signature. Also note that my name is TAZI, with an "I", not "Taz" (except to my close friends and family) and certainly not "Taz-man". You may also take notice that I censored your inappropriate language. When I started to read your letter, I thought maybe you were being bullied; but it appears that is not the case. If you are this annoying in person I can see why your friends chose this very special way to stage your intervention.

You do not ask me for advice, just my opinion, so in answer to your question my answer is no, I do not think your friends were "just [expletive] with you"; I think they were trying to tell you what you fail to notice about yourself. Seriously, even I - a tom-cat - do not find Arnold Schwarzenegger to be the kind of man I would want to imitate, let alone compare myself; and if James Bond were a real person a lot of women would put him into that same category.

You write that you consider yourself to be "a cut above your ordinary average guy". My research tells me that this is the very definition of a "bag". UrbanDictionary.com offers 41 pages of definitions for this compound word, my two favorite being:

8) An individual with an inflated self-esteem who is deeply deficient in social skills. They laugh loudly at their own jokes, quote themselves repeatedly, and are never as entertaining to others as they are to themselves.

10) A person who has no idea what they are talking about yet act like they are a smart person by knowlege from other people. They act out to be intelligent and gifted only to realize they are mearly a fake idiot with no idea about what is really happening in the world.

If you recognize yourself in the definitions above, there is hope for you yet. Feel free to write back if you would like some advice.

No snuggles for you!
-- Tazi

P.S. It could have been worse. My extensive research shows that your your friends could have voted you a "nozzle" or a "canoe" instead of a "bag"

Much thanks to UrbanDictionary.com for the wonderful definitions provided! --TK