Are Clean Rugs More Important Than Family Unity?

Dear Tazi:

I am so completely furious with my mother-in-law I can’t see straight! She usually babysits my sister-in-law’s child during the day while everyone is at work. “Abigail”, age 18 months, caught bedbugs at “Martha’s” house and now both of their houses need to be fumigated. My sister-in-law is beside herself over this because she is desperate for child care and cannot afford to pay anyone so her mother does it for free. How can she complain that her daughter came home with bedbugs when her mother was looking after the child free of charge? She could not even bring herself to ask her mother to cover the cost of fumigating the home and had to work overtime to cover the exterminating charges!

The exterminator could see that [the cost of fumigating the house] was a hardship to my sister-in-law, so he offered her a discount if she and Martha got their houses done on the same day, since it would save him the travel expense. The problem with this was that it left no place to go with Abigail, so I agreed to let Martha watch Abigail at my house while I was off at work. Worst decision ever!

I don’t know if Martha allows Abigail to run ragged at her own house, but she sure let her tear up mine! The place looked like a hurricane had run through – sofa cushions and throw pillows were tossed about, crushed Froot Loops were all over the floor; dirty, smelly diapers that had not been properly treated were thrown in my kitchen garbage, and my plants had been knocked over onto the floor with the dirt spilled all about. The worst part, though, was that Martha let Abigail drink her apple juice in a “big girl cup” because I don’t have any sippy cups in the house. Tazi, my children are teenagers! I have no need for sippy cups!

Long story short (I know, too late), Abigail spilled apple juice all over my new carpeting! I saved my spending money for over two years to be able to afford my new white carpets, and my children all know that woe will betide them if they get those carpets dirty! The carpets are in the good parlor, so it is not an area where people go to hang out and play; that is what the rumpus room is for and Martha knows that!

When I called Martha out about the juice on the carpet, she responded that a baby cannot be expected to know any better. I explained to her that she (Martha) is old enough to know better and should have supervised the baby better! Not being the shirking violet that my sister-in-law is I told Martha that she would have to pay to have my rugs cleaned or replaced. Martha refused, saying she does not have that kind of money, especially after paying to have her house deloused. She then accused me of “putting on airs” with my “fine white carpeting” and told me she was glad Abigail ruined it! Now, I am in a fix.

I put salt on the stain, like you would for wine, and it seems to have lifted a little. I got one of those Stanley Steamers to clean it myself and the stain is almost invisible – just a slight outline of where it was. It cost me almost $100 to clean and I still have a stain that I know is there. I don’t want to ask my sister-in-law for the money because I know she doesn’t have it and Martha has refused to pay, saying that Abigail created the stain so her Mama should be responsible for the cost. I am willing to eat the cost of cleaning, but it sticks in my craw that my good deed did not go unpunished. Plus I have a stain on my carpets! Am I being petty, Tazi?

Signed,

Stuck With A Stain

Dear Stuck With A Stain:

I can understand why you are so upset; never once did you say that your mother-in-law apologized for her neglect of duty in watching her granddaughter. What you do say is that she tried to shift the blame from where it belongs (squarely on her shoulders) and onto a baby who had no control over the situation. Pathetic!

I do not think you are being petty over having to see a reminder of how your mother-in-law disrespected you and your property. Depending on where the stain is, can you hide it by covering it with a piece of furniture, a floor lamp, or a potted plant? At this point, the stain is set and will probably not come out without damaging the carpet fibers, leaving a scar on the carpeting that would be just as unattractive as the stain – if not worse. One possibility (offered to me by a professional carpet installer) is to snip the nap of the carpet with an X-Acto knife. The stained portion is probably not that deep into the nap, and the slight difference in height that will result would not be noticeable in a thick carpet.

I know it will be difficult, but try not to let this incident strain your relationship with your mother-in-law. She is family; she is your husband’s mother and your children’s grandmother. For the sake of family harmony do your best to put this incident in the past…but also for the sake of family harmony do not allow Martha to babysit in your home again.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Mom Doesn't Need This Kind Of "Help"

Dear Tazi:

I am a new Mom. I am writing this using the voice-typing feature on my phone as a I hold my sleeping newborn, so please understand and correct the lack of punctuation and any spelling errors you incur. Why am I taking the time I do not have to write this to you? Because my mother-in-law is driving me nuts and my husband is siding with his Mom.

My beautiful baby girl is the first grandchild for my mother-in-law, but the fifth for my Mom (my older brother has four children). This is my first baby, and my mother is just as excited over her birth as I am. I was very nervous about giving birth, so I asked my mother to be in the delivery room with me, since she has gone through this several times herself (I am the third of seven children). My mother-in-law took her lack of invitation to join me in the delivery room as a personal slight, and my husband also got on my case about it, saying it was not “fair” that my mother got to witness the birth but his mother did not. He actually threatened to stay out of the delivery room if his mother could not join us, but did not follow through when I ignored his threats and focused on not stressing during my final month of pregnancy.

I came home from the hospital to find my mother-in-law waiting for me. She immediately grabbed my sleeping newborn out of her carrier and told me that it was “her turn” to spend time with the baby, since my mother and I got to hold her in the delivery room. Tazi, my child is not a trophy! Not once did my mother-in-law visit us in the hospital, where she could have held my baby during her waking periods. My husband was no help at all – he just looked at me and said that since his Mom was taking care of the baby I could take care of dinner! I burst into tears, grabbed my baby, and ran into my bedroom. My mother-in-law blamed my reaction on “fluctuating hormones” and suggested that I was too unstable to care for my own baby. For the past two weeks she has been coming over every day (my husband gave her a key after I locked her out of the house) to offer what she calls help and what I call terrorism.

I have tried to discuss this matter with my husband, but he has accused me of trying to put distance between us and his mother; he says that I am trying to make my mother the only grandmother our little girl will ever know. Tazi, I would appreciate help with the new baby, but not the kind of help his mother offers, which consists of waking her up to hold her and telling me everything she thinks I am doing wrong, from swaddling incorrectly to not vacuuming thoroughly enough. I can’t even push a vacuum right now, but do you think my mother-in-law offers to do it for me? No way! She has a bad back and besides, she is “busy holding the baby”.

I am ready to call my Mom and have her come get me and the baby. I am ready to file for divorce and let my mother-in-law have her son back, since by her side seems to be where he prefers to stand. The one thing holding me back is that my Mom lives a five hour drive from me, so if I leave there will be no turning back. Am I making the wrong decision, Tazi?

Signed,

New Mommy

Dear New Mommy:

Your husband sounds like a first-class Momma’s Boy, and if marriage has not changed him I doubt he is going to cut the apron strings any time soon. An intervention needs to occur before the road to divorce is the only one left to travel.

Your mother-in-law appears to be suffering from feelings of insecurity and a fear of being left out of her son’s life. She appears to want all things to be equal, regardless of the logistics. She also appears to have a screw loose! While it is understandable that she is excited to be a Grandma and wants to spend time with her newborn grandchild, she must know that it is wrong to awaken a sleeping baby! Her motives appear selfish and self-serving, and your husband is living under her thumb. I realize that this is not the life you want for your daughter, to be ruled by manipulation and guilt, but leaving should not be the immediate answer.

I suggest you set up a visiting schedule for your mother-in-law, based upon the baby’s sleep schedule. Let your mother-in-law know that she may visit for one time block per day during the baby’s waking hours. If she wishes to visit while the baby is asleep she will be put to work, helping with the laundry, mopping the floors, or dusting the furniture since she insists that you are doing it all wrong. Tell your husband that he needs to start standing up for you before you decide that your marriage is no longer worth fighting to fix. Be blunt; tell him it is not the “fluctuating hormones” that are speaking, but you – his wife, the woman he promised to honor above all others. Once he sees how serious you are, he might be willing to change.

If after a few months things are still not working, a trial separation may be what is needed. I strongly urge you to seek legal counsel before doing this in order to arrange for proper financial support for your baby and to settle any visitation issues before they arise. A five-hour one-way drive will require that your husband come to see the baby at your mother’s house; there is no way an infant will stand for being separated from her mother for an entire weekend – especially if you are nursing. I do hope that it does not come to this; a loving, two-parent household really is what is best for a child. I will pray for you and your baby.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Meddling Mother-In-Law Learns An Expensive Lesson

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are of the belief that a healthy diet composed of fresh, local foods and limited preservatives is the key to a healthy lifestyle. We buy locally grown, in-season fruits and vegetables; organic meats and dairy products; and limit the amounts of what we buy to what we can eat within a few days. We don’t mind going to the grocery and the farmer’s markets three times a week; in fact, we enjoy it. My problem is that I cannot convince my mother-in-law of this.

“Darlene” lives a few hours away, and will come to stay with us for a long weekend every month or two. The first thing she will do after she arrives – before she even unpacks – is look through my cupboards to see what is in them. Since I do not believe in buying canned goods (with the exception of locally preserved food) my pantry contains dry goods – flour, raw sugar, dried pastas and beans – but little else. My refrigerator has fresh food to sustain us for two to three days, but no more since my husband and I prefer the taste of food at its freshest. Darlene seems to think that the reason we have so little food in our house is because we cannot afford it. She is constantly telling us we could afford more food if we stopped buying such expensive groceries. We have explained to her that cash flow is not a problem; we are financially comfortable and simply choose to live differently than she.

During her last visit, Darlene showed up early – while my husband and I were still at work – and went grocery shopping. She purchased $1,200 worth of canned goods, fresh meats (which she froze!), processed snack foods, soda, and other foods neither my husband nor I eat. She informed us that she did not have enough cash to pay for it all so she put the charge on her American Express card and will need the money for the purchases before the end of the billing cycle. I told Darlene if she wanted the money she could return the groceries and the store would give her back the money she spent. I realize this was not the best reaction, but I am not about to pay over $1,000 for food that will not be eaten.

Darlene spent the entire weekend complaining to my husband about how rude and ungrateful I am and how I did not appreciate all that she did for me by purchasing a month’s worth of groceries, plus extra in case of an emergency. Tazi, as my husband explained to her, we keep dry goods in the pantry for emergencies and we do not freeze our meats. He, too, encouraged his mother to return to food; since she charged it to her credit card the food cannot be returned without it and Darlene refuses to cooperate.

Obviously, by the time this letter is printed, it will be too late to return the food. In the meantime, Darlene is demanding we reimburse her for the full cost of all she purchased; my husband has suggested to me that we split the cost; and I think Darlene should be held fully responsible for the items she billed and refused to return. What do you think is fair, Tazi?

Signed,
Locavore

Dear Locavore:

I admire the lengths to which you go in order to commit to the diet that is right for you, and agree with you that fresh food tastes better. Darlene was wrong to fill your fridge with foods that you do not eat, especially since you have told her (on numerous occasions, I am certain) why your pantry is rather bare. It sounds to me like you want to teach your mother-in-law a lesson for meddling and your son wants to compromise to keep the peace. Meanwhile, a $1,200 American Express bill is coming due soon, so here is my solution: compromise.

Obviously, you are not going to eat the food your mother-in-law brought into the house, but this does not mean that it must go to waste. The perishables will have perished by the time this letter is printed, so there is nothing that can be done with those, but you can pack up the frozen goods and send them home with Darlene after her next visit, along with any canned and packaged goods she might want. The remainder of the food can be donated to your local food pantry. Too many people go hungry due to a lack of food (not because they are dieting, like me). A pantry full of food that you will not eat will keep several tummies well-fed and your donation will be appreciated. The value of this donation may even be tax deductable, which will ease or even erase the burden of splitting the bill down the middle – which is what I am suggesting you do, if only to keep the peace with your mother-in-law while simultaneously teaching her her not to meddle in your affairs.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Should there be a tax deduction, your M-I-L might ask to split it. That will be up to you, but it might be the fastest and easiest way to avoid another disagreement.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother-In-Law's Generosity Makes Couple Uncomfortable In More Ways Than One

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is driving me nuts. I know that is the complaint of many, but things have reached a point where I am going to lose it on her if I don't get some help.

"Maisie" is a sweet, thoughtful woman on a very limited budget. She loves to give gifts, in spite of the fact that she cannot afford to give them and always gives them above my wife's and my protests to save her money for the things she needs. Whenever Maisie overhears my wife or I mention something we need or would simply like to have, she runs out to buy it for us. The problem is, she buys a much cheaper brand/value than we would purchase to fill our needs. We tried to solve the problem by returning the merchandise for credit, but that deeply hurt Maisie's feelings. Now, we simply try not to speak about our needs/wants within Maisie's earshot, which can be quite difficult. I am a contractor; my schedule varies and I am often home during the day. My wife is a homemaker and Maisie lives close by, which means she usually stops in to visit on a daily basis.

While doing laundry, my wife mentioned to me that we should look into buying some new bed-sheets, since January is when many stores have their home-linens on sale. What she did not realize was that her mother had just entered the house and heard my wife comment on the need for new bed-sheets. The next week, Maisie showed up with not one, but TWO sets on king-sized bed-sheets that she "got for a steal online". Maisie was glowing over her gift to us, going on and on about how the sheets were "1200 thread count Egyptian cotton!" and how she got both sets for less than $50 total. Upon hearing this, we knew there was going to be a problem.

King-sized bed sheets are famously expensive, and a set of Egyptian cotton 1200 thread count sheets retail for a couple hundred dollars or more. Sure enough, the sheets Maisie bought for us are a cheap microfiber by the brand name "Egyptian Comfort". My wife suffers from sensitive skin (for which she sees a dermatologist) and cannot sleep on these sheets. We tried - for the sake of her mother - and my wife woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible, itchy rash.

My wife politely approached Maisie with the sheets, and asked her to return them since we cannot use them. Maisie insists that the sheets are not the cause of my wife's rash and that we are "ungrateful snobs". Now, she is not speaking to either of us. I realize that most men would find this a dream come true; but my wife's heart is breaking over the fact that her mother will not speak to her. Any advice on what we should do next, Tazi? My wife and I aren't snobs, nor are we ungrateful. We just prefer to buy quality products that will last - and not give my wife hives.

Signed,
A Guy Who Loves His Wife

P.S. Just for the record, I am not a girly-man. I had no idea what "home-linens" were until my wife explained it to me. Ditto with the cost of 1200 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

Dear A Guy Who Loves His Wife:

I am a guy, and I love the silky softness of high thread count sheets! My Mommie, however, does not love when I sit on her silky soft sheets, claiming I shed vigorously all over them. Like your wife, my Mommie also has sensitive skin issues and cannot sleep on microfiber sheets (or, apparently, sheets covered in cat hair). Please tell Maisie that your wife is not making excuses to turn down her thoughtful gift; that others have similar problems as your wife when it comes to synthetic fabrics.

The larger issue seems to be Maisie's desire to give. In returning her gift, she took it as a return of her love for you and her daughter. To explain to her that you "prefer to buy quality products that will last" would be a huge mistake, and it will add insult to injury. Rather, explain to Maisie that you and your wife are rather set in your ways when it comes to purchasing home goods (that's stuff for the house, manly man!) and that you have developed a sense of loyalty for a few, specific brands that have met your expectations in the past. Brand loyalty is rare nowadays, in a world where everyone wants the lowest price; but back when Maisie was younger almost everyone practiced it.

To indulge Maisie's desire to give, why not give suggestions of ways that she can give of herself? Start small, by asking if she could "start a pot of coffee" while you and your wife are doing other things. If you show appreciation for her efforts, in time Maisie might find herself comfortable doing other little things to assist you that do not involve spending money (or a lot of it, anyway). She might decide to surprise you by bringing over sandwiches for lunch or a pound of your favorite ground coffee. If you have children, you could ask Maisie to watch them for an hour or two while you and/or your wife go grocery shopping or run errands.

With a little thought and creativity, you will discover that there are many ways for Maisie to indulge her generous spirit that will also accommodate and balance your needs, as well. However, the first step in this whole process is to get Maisie talking to you again. If she refuses to listen to you, try writing things down in a handwritten letter. There is something about the written word that women find soothing.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Mother-In-Law, Daughter-In-Law Face Off Over Laundry

Dear Tazi:

I am having an argument with my mother-in-law, “Joan”, and we are hoping that you can settle it for us.  What is the correct way to do laundry?  I was always taught to separate the clothes into loads of darks, lights, and whites; running each load in the “permanent press” cycle.  Joan believes that you also need to separate the loads by fabric weight and utilize the “heavyweight” and “delicate” cycles, as well.

“Joan” is horrified over the way I wash her son’s clothes, believing that her way is the best.  I say Joan’s way just creates more work and wastes energy by making for smaller loads of laundry, and more of them.  Who is right?

Signed,

Laundered Out Out West

Dear Laundered Out Out West:

I have to say that yours is one of the more interesting letters I have received on a practical household problem, and I thank you for sending it! To answer your question, you are both correct.

To wash your brights – especially reds – with your whites is to invite discoloration of your fabrics; not to mention that washing your darks in hot water can cause them to fade. On this the two of you agree so there is no argument to settle!

This is what my litter-mate looked like 

after a washing in hot water!

To separate by both color and fabric weight creates twice as many loads of laundry (if not more) with less laundry per load and while I realize that you can adjust the load size to save on water, you are still using electricity to power the washer for each load.  On this point, you are correct.  However, Joan also has a point. 

 I am not trying to be diplomatic in saying this, but practical; lingerie and other undergarments can be damaged on a cycle with a faster agitation speed.  I learned this the hard way when Mommie needed me to help her with the laundry (imagine, asking your cat to help you with the laundry!) and I was too lazy to sort.  The point goes to Joan here. 

The solution to your problem would be to ask your husband how he prefers his clothes to be washed – and if he prefers his Mama’s way of doing it to let her do his laundry!  Think of it as a load (or two) off of your busy schedule.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  Always remember to check the pockets before you launder!

And don't forget the fabric softener!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Seeks Favor With Un-favored Daughter After Favorite Sons Say No

Dear Tazi:

I was born out-of-wedlock, and my mother never misses a chance to remind me that she could have had an abortion or put me up for adoption, but no; she carried me to term and kept me in spite of the social scandal it was at the time. Growing up, I was made to feel like I was not good enough; and when Mom got married and had five children (all boys) with her husband, I became a persona non grata.

When I turned eighteen I escaped my parents’ house and moved away with a friend. I met my husband, “Donald”, while working at a coffee shop. He was in his final year of business school at the time and really could not afford to buy a coffee every day; but he really wanted to see me, too! (This explained why he always bought a small coffee, and paid for it with loose change). When I told my parents how we met, they said it would never last and that a man who could not even afford a coffee was not the kind of man I should marry.

It has been ten years since our wedding (which my parents refused to attend) and Donald and I are still happily married. He owns his own investment firm, and he are financially stable in spite of the difficult economy. Overall, we are successful as a couple and individuals and I am happy with my life. Now, my mother is trying to ruin it.

Mother’s husband recently left her for a younger woman, and she is devastated. She is unable to support herself and has not worked in years – my step-father is well-off – and has no marketable skills or the desire to learn any; instead, she is demanding to move in with Donald and me.

Once again my mother is reminding me that she could have had an abortion or turned me out, but she raised me anyway, and now that she needs a home and someone to care for her I am coldly turning my back on her. Before I could say anything, Donald stepped up and told her off! He told her she was a horrible mother to me and that he would never, ever allow her to live with us; that anyone who would dare speak so abusively to his wife was not welcome in our home. Tazi, have I told you yet how much I love my husband?

My problem now is that my mother has told everyone she knows that my husband is an ogre who refuses to allow her to set foot in my house; that he is keeping us separated against my will. My five half-brothers have all called and left nasty messages for us saying how awful we are that we won’t take Mother in during her time of need. Tazi, all five of them own their own homes and have plenty of room for her! They simply refuse to offer her living space because, as the youngest told me, “you’re the daughter; you get her, that’s how it goes”.

Tazi, I do not mind what my brothers say about me and Donald – I know that it is simply their way of trying to get me to buckle so they won’t get stuck with Mother – but I am upset that Mother’s friends think my husband is some kind of evil, controlling beast. Should I try to make contact with them to correct the impression my mother has given? Or do you think that would further complicate things?

Signed,
Cinderella

Dear Cinderella:

I am so glad you found your Prince, because your mother sounds like a very abusive woman. You sound like you have adjusted quite well in life, in spite of your difficult upbringing, and I am very impressed with the way your husband stands by your side to protect you. Normally, I would question whether or not you were okay with him speaking up to your mother on your behalf; but it sounds like you had no problem with him handling this particular fastball. So long as he allows you to speak your mind independently, and only acts the role of Knight in Shining Armor when he knows this is your preference, I have no issue with his actions. Is your mother aware that this is the dynamic between you and Donald? If not, I can see why she would think him “an ogre”.

Moving forward, I would give your mother’s friends more credit than you currently are; remember that your half-brothers have also refused to take dear old Mother into their homes, and this is not something that will go unnoticed in the gossip circles. Calling your mother’s friends to give your side of the story will only add fuel to this raging fire.

Your mother is obviously in a bind, one that I am certain she will manage to get out of on her own. As cruel as her statements to you have been, they do hold a lot of truth; only a strong woman would have been able to go against the tide of the times and have a child out-of-wedlock. Do not allow your mother’s guilt-tripping to derail your life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Unlocked Door Is A Burglar's Best Friend!

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am a widowed woman who lives with my elderly mother-in-law, "Millie", so as to assist her around the house. This arrangement allows her to stay in her own home, and helps me to feel more secure - both financially (I do pay rent, but much less than I would pay for a private apartment; Millie has no mortgage) and personally. My problem is my feelings of personal safety are starting to dwindle.

About six months ago, Millie and I brought home a shelter cat, for companionship and to keep the field mice that have invaded our yard in check. Since we do not have a pet-door installed, we must personally see to letting "Bruiser" in and out of the house. Millie does not sleep well at night, and has taken to letting Bruiser out in the middle of the night - and then forgetting to lock the door behind her when she returns to bed. When I wake up in the morning and find the door unlocked, I am completely unnerved; and I find that Millie's bad habit is now affecting my sleep. Whenever I hear a strange noise in the night I am petrified that someone has entered the house to rob us.

I have mentioned my concerns to Millie, but she just pooh-pooh's me, as if I am acting like a scared child. Tazi-Kat, my late husband was a police officer. He always insisted we keep the doors locked against the risk of home invasion; and passed this lesson on to Millie and her late husband, as well. He would tell me that most robberies occurred due to unlocked doors and windows, and as a police officer he saw more than his share of heartbroken homeowners who wished they had taken such simple precautions against theft and other crimes!

With the holidays so near, the annual rise in home invasions is set to occur, and I do not care for our house to be on some burglar’s hit-list! Do you have any advice on how to get Millie to see the seriousness of the situation?

Signed,
Not A Scaredy-Cat!

Dear Not A Scaredy-Cat:

You do not say how old Millie is, just that she is "elderly"; but with age can come stubbornness. Millie is probably very set in her ways, so trying to get her to develop new habits is going to be an exercise in futility. However, if Millie's forgetting to lock the doors is a new habit - did she ever follow her son's advice about locking doors? - perhaps she should be screened for illnesses that affect memory - Alzheimer's, senility, dementia, or other issues that will escalate if not caught and treated early. According to WebMD, early signs of these diseases include difficulty exercising good judgment and sudden changes in personal habits.

As for the problem of the unlocked doors, perhaps a pet-door would be the solution to your problem? They are relatively easy to install, as well as inexpensive. A pet-door for a cat - even one as large sounding as one named "Bruiser" - will not be anywhere near big enough for a human to squeeze through, so it will not compromise your safety. Some pet doors also come with locking mechanisms, so you can secure them if that is your preference. As for wild-life finding their way though it, once Bruiser starts using it your friendly neighborhood squirrels and field mice will give it a wide berth; so this should not be a cause for concern, either.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. I compliment you on your wise choice to adopt a shelter cat! Although most people want kittens, you don't know what kind of cat they will become! With a grown cat, you know the personality of the cat you are adopting. (Yep, my Mommie lucked out when I chose her! She got herself a top-of-the-line quality feline who loooooves to snuggle!).

Divorced Mom Prefers Cutting Ties Over Mending Seams

Dear Tazi:

For some reason, my ex-mother-in-law seems to think I want to maintain a relationship with her, even though I have divorced her abusive son.  She claims that her son’s behavior is no reflection on who she is as a parent, and that she wishes to have a healthy relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Tazi, I have no plans on withholding access to my children from her, so long as she respects the restraining order the judge granted against her son.  I do have plans to move on with my life by cutting ties with him and the people who raised this abusive monster – namely his parents.  I have expressed this to my ex-MIL in countless ways, but she is still trying to “mend our severed relationship”.  How do I get it through to her that I have no desire to patch the threadbare cloth that remains of our family connection?

Signed,

Through With Them All

Dear Through With Them All:

I am confused.  I understand that you do not wish to have a relationship with your ex-mother-in-law, but you are willing to give her unsupervised visitation with your children?  Are your children teenagers?  This is the only scenario that I can find acceptable in a situation like this!

The fact that the judge granted your children a restraining order against their father tells me that his abuse must have had a gravely negative affect on them.  You trust their grandmother to honor the restraining order and keep her son away from the kids?  Am I missing something?

I realize that your ex-husband’s parents raised him, but to blame them for creating an “abusive monster” goes a little too far.  People have free will, and they can accept or reject the lessons they have been taught; that you consider your ex-MIL a good enough Grandma to have unsupervised visitation tells me that you do not consider her a bad influence.  Put plainly, you cannot have it both ways.

I think your ex-MIL’s desire to have a healthy relationship with the mother of her grandchildren is natural, and a wise move on her part; she is putting the needs of the children first, and from the scant information included in your letter, I am inferring that your children need to see that the grown-ups they love can still get along with each other.  I am not saying that you and your ex-MIL need to become bosom buddies, but occasionally staying for coffee and discussing the children’s visit upon picking them up should not be out of the question.  Putting your children’s welfare before your own personal dislikes will not go unnoticed by those who need to see it the most.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother-In-Law Cruises Away With A Paw Slap Of Disgust!

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is perhaps the most evil woman who has ever walked the face of the earth! She has never approved of me - no woman could possibly be good enough for her son - and she has always treated me like a second-class family member; but what she has done now is over the line - or should I say completely overboard?

A few months ago, "Bertha" requested that all of her children - and their spouses - go on a cruise together, as a family. Spending ten days with Bertha did not appeal to me, but I love the rest of my husband's family and the idea of a cruise with them was very appealing; so my husband and I both signed on for the trip (for which we paid our own way). The trip was purchased several months in advance, and we were to set sail in August. Note that I said "were", not "are" because my husband and I have discovered that after several years of infertility issues, we are now expecting!

My husband and I are both overjoyed at the prospect of becoming parents and nothing will come before my health and the well-being of the baby. This is where my issue with Bertha's cruise starts: The cruise is scheduled to take place during the week of my due date. Obviously, my husband and I have decided not to go on the cruise; and our family is all being very understanding and excited for us - all except for Bertha who actually accused me of getting pregnant on purpose in order to ruin her family cruise! In the past, she has made comments behind my back about how I must secretly be on birth control, so her comments are not surprising, but are still quite hurtful.

Bertha has told my husband that he should still come on the cruise, even if I won't, because "due dates are not accurate". My husband has told Bertha that she is crazy for thinking he would leave my side so close to my due date and that she will have to accept that we will not be going on the cruise. Bertha is now sulking, and is telling anyone who will listen what a "horrible son" he has become since marrying me! When my husband tried to explain to her that I am his WIFE, Bertha responded, "one day, you two might divorce; but I will always be your mother!".

Since Bertha's efforts at guilting my husband into turning his back on me to accompany her on the cruise are not working, she has started in on me; calling me a bad wife for wanting to "isolate" my husband from his family. Tazi, it's one week - one of the most important weeks of our lives, too! This is supposed to be a happy time for my husband and me, but Bertha is putting undue stress on me and making me miserable with her cruel barbs. Do you have any advice on how to deal with her? I am seriously wondering if I want my child to have a relationship with this woman!

Signed,
Finally Expecting!

Dear Finally Expecting:

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you I am purring! You are right that this should be a joyous time for you and your husband, so please do not let Bertha ruin it for you. You are correct in feeling that her barbs are out of line; but it sounds to me that she is reacting out of fear, not love. She is obviously very attached to her son, and as long as the two of you remained child-free you remained (in Bertha's eyes) a couple, not a family. The timing of your due date could have been anytime and it would not matter; Bertha would probably find a reason for why she would find it to be disrespectful to her.

The comment that you got pregnant "on purpose" in order to ruin her cruise is laughable, which was what I did when I pictured Bertha saying it. The next time Bertha starts in with her rude comments, try to smile politely and ignore her. When she finds that her self-absorbed attitude is making her look like a fool, she will hopefully stop. As the arrival date of her grandchild gets closer, Bertha may discover herself having a change of heart towards being away when your baby enters into the world. Perhaps your husband could point this out to her?

With regard to withholding your child from Bertha, you may discover that your baby will give you some common ground on which to build a relationship with your mother-in-law. Rather than pull away, why not work towards including her? Your husband can help you work towards this end. Although I am proud of him for standing up for you, it has to be difficult for him to always be in the middle of the bad blood between you and his mother - who has earned a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust for her cruel divorce comment!



Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should A Parent Move In When Spouse Says No?

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law lost her husband (my husband's third step-father) last year and, due to poor financial decisions since, can no longer support the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. She is not about to end up in a homeless shelter - she has plenty of money - but she can no longer afford to take lengthy vacations, travel, or eat out in upscale restaurants a few times a week as she did before she was widowed.

"Agatha" has complained to my husband that she is "devastated" over the changes she is being forced to make and is "wallowing in depression" since the death of her fourth husband. She has asked my husband if she can move in with us to "save on expenses". Her house has a very small mortgage ($500 a month) expenses are taxes, food, utilities, etc. My husband is all for his mother moving in with us, but I have put my foot down and told him no. I do not think it is right for her to move in with us - free of all expenses, which is her request - so she can continue to live a life of luxury while we scrimp and save. My husband understands where I am coming from on this issue, and he says he agrees with my point of view, but ends every argument with "But this is my MOM!". He seems to have forgotten that I am his WIFE!

Agatha has always been the type to take over and demand that things be done her way or the highway - thus her three divorces from four marriages; all three of her husbands left her and I think the fourth died just to avoid the stress of a divorce at age 75. I know if she were to move in with us she would insist on being the woman of the house and try to usurp my position as mother to my children. I know because every time she comes over she criticizes everything I do, from how I clean to what I allow my children to eat.

Are my only choices to let Agatha move in and live with her, or let Agatha move in while I take my children and move out?

Signed,
Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Rock And A Hard Place:

You and your husband need to seek marital counseling - NOW! He says that he understands and agrees with your point of view, yet he chooses to ignore what is best for your marriage in order to please his self-centered mother. Yes, I understand that she is his mother but when he married you he vowed to forsake all others for you - that vow included Mom.

Your fear of losing your position as the woman of the house is also understandable. Your mother-in-law is used to being in control, so she may feel it her right to take over the lives of her son and grandchildren. If you are determined not to allow this to happen - even if it means going so far as to separate from your husband - you need to let him know this; preferably in the presence of a marriage counselor. If neither you nor your husband is willing to budge on this issue, might there be a solution in finding a home to accommodate all of you? A two-family house or a single-family home with an in-law apartment are both possibilities that would also buy you time while you looked for just the right place...in fact, it could take years to find exactly the right place (if you catch my meaning).

In the meantime, while you are buying time, Agatha needs to speak with a financial adviser; develop a budget; and learn to stick to it. The matter of her mortgage is important - regardless of how "small" it is; it is still a fixed expense that must be met every month. If she moved in with you, would Agatha be selling her house or renting it? Either way, it would provide an income for her to assist with the added expense of having her live with you. Do not allow her to move in expense free as long as she can afford to pay something towards her care. Once you lay down the rules and Agatha realizes that she will not be getting a free ride she may be more inclined to stay in her own space. Moving in with a daughter-in-law who doe snot want her there would be no picnic for Agatha, either.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 4: Why Buy The Cow When Milk Is Free?

Dear Tazi:

I am having a "mother-in-law" issue. Notice that I put the word in quotes. It's because my boyfriend's mother does not consider me her daughter-in-law, even though I have been dating her son for 10 years and living with him for almost six.

"George" and I have a great relationship that is only marred by his fear of making our commitment to each other legal. He married his high school sweetheart and divorced after less than five years of marriage, and then had a broken engagement that ended a two year relationship. Because of these "failures" (George's word, not mine) George is afraid to take the next step in our relationship until he is certain our relationship is ready. How ready do we have to be???

Just before the holidays I was on the phone with my best friend, telling her I was hoping that I would get a ring this Christmas. I thought this conversation was between her, me, and the four walls, but George's mother had come over unexpectedly and let herself in the house. She overheard my end of the conversation, including the part where I refer to her as "my mother-in-law". "Millie" let me know that she was not my mother-in-law, that her son and I were not married and that as long as he "got milk for free he will not be buying the cow!".

Tazi, I have never been so insulted! How backwards is George's Mom - and how little does she think of her son - that she thinks that a man only gets married so he can have access to regular sex, and that by sleeping with him I am the reason George won't marry me? I told Millie that George has much more respect for me than that, but she just looked at me smugly and asked, "Then why has he not honored you with a ring? He gave a ring to his ex-wife and his old girlfriend, and you have been with him twice as long as either of them!" Tazi, I had no answer for her...

That evening, when George got home from work, I spoke with him about what is mother had said - about him not honoring me in the way he respected and honored women in his past. This turned into a huge argument, with George telling me that his mother is only looking to start trouble because she wants to see us married. He said it was her way of showing "tough love" to me and to ignore her.

I am now wondering if George is right - that I should ignore his mother for her "tough love" stance or if she has some valid points. Technically, she is not my mother-in-law because there is no law between us; George did honor his ex-girlfriend with an engagement ring - that she got to keep, even after they broke up - while I have no ring of any kind; and I do want to get married - it is George who is dragging his feet. George keeps telling me that I am letting his mother ruin a good thing between us, but I am not so sure she is. I am starting to think that George is the one ruining things. Your thoughts, little kitty?

Signed,
Not A Cow

Dear Not A Cow:

Millie's line about milk and a cow is a very old-fashioned way of thinking, but does not necessarily refer only to sex (at least not anymore). As George's live-in life-partner, your relationship is one that reflects many of the domestic facets of marriage - an extra paycheck/shared living expenses, someone to help cook and clean, a person to depend upon - as well as the more intimate parts that were once restricted as a benefit of marriage only. You are right that men do not get married solely to have access to "regular sex"; they get married for the same reasons women marry - because they fall in love and want to build a life with their partner, one that is legally recognized, and not just accepted, by society.

You still can't marry a cow, though...

Millie has brought up some hard points for you to consider, but that is what tough love is - making someone you love uncomfortable for the sake of their own good. You have lived with George for almost six years - that is longer than he lived with his ex-wife. Before now, was your relationship showing signs of giving out on you? Or were you still as solid as always? Has George reached a point where he is comfortable and feels like you will not leave him, regardless of how unhappy you are with the stagnant state of your relationship? Do you want to get married for the sake of being married, or do you want to marry George and no other? These are all questions that you need to answer before deciding what to do about your relationship with George, because it seems like you are the one who is going to have to make some decisions!

It appears that George has decided that he is comfortable with how things are; if you want things to change, you are going to have to make him uncomfortable. If you can afford to, I suggest that you tell George you are making plans to move into your own place - that you need space to think through the things his mother has brought to your attention; that you do feel dishonored that he gave an ex-girlfriend an engagement ring after only a year or two and here you are without even a promise ring after ten. Give George a deadline to discuss matters - say three months - and stick to it. Saying that he is scared to move forward because of his past is pretty thin reasoning, considering that your relationship with him makes up a large part of his past!

In the end, you will have to be prepared to accept the fact that George may simply not want to marry you. If this is the case, you need to decide if you are better to stay with him and settle or move on to greener pastures.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 3: Must Man Choose Between Mother And Girlfriend?

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a wonderful woman named "Lorelei" for almost two years now. Since I lost everything in a horrible divorce a few decades ago I have been gun-shy about marriage, since I have worked very hard to rebuild my life. I now own my own home, have a car with no payment, and have healthy savings and retirement accounts, as well as a few blue chip investments. I would hate to lose all of this in a second divorce (and have to start over again in my fifties!) so I have stipulated that I will not marry a woman until I have lived with her for at least a year.

After Lorelei and I were dating for a full year, I asked her to move in with me. Her reasons for saying no were valid (she feels that the first year of a relationship is always the easiest) and wanted to wait for another year to pass so we could get to know each other "with our masks off". I had to laugh, because up until that point I didn't realize how much of ourselves we censored from each other - at that point, I had never farted in front of Lorelei, kept a lit candle in the bathroom whenever I knew she would be coming over, made sure the bed was made and the sheets freshly washed...all stuff I generally overlook when I am around the guys.

Now that the two year mark is approaching I have once again asked Lorelei to move in with me, and she has said yes - on the condition that we are engaged and have a tentative wedding date in mind to work toward. She has told me she does not wish to sell or lease her house long-term and combine our finances unless she knows that she will not be out of house and home should things not work between us. I hadn't thought of things this way before, and realized how self-centered I was being. After speaking with my attorney and financial planner I had paperwork drawn up that will protect both of our interests, and Lorelei has read and agreed sign them after her lawyer reviewed them. Wow, three paragraphs and I still haven't told you my problem!

Lorelei has decided to lease her house with the option for the lessee to buy after two years. She is currently looking for a tenant before making our move, the only thing that is delaying us. Last month, my father passed away after a short but terminal illness. My mother is now looking to move in with me so she does not have to live alone. Mom is in excellent health and does not need someone to look after her - but if she did, she has her choice of my six other siblings, all who live nearby! Five of my siblings are married, and Mom has said she does not want to live somewhere where she will not be "the woman of the house", which rules out all but my youngest brother who is 28 and not married. "Joe" lives on his own and has offered to give up his apartment and move in with Mom to keep her company, help with expenses (the house is paid for, but there are always bills and repairs), and see after her. Mom has refused this offer, saying that Joe is old enough to be on his own and that she will not have him moving home with her! Joe cannot afford to buy his own home - even with Mom's help - so this idea is out, too.

I suppose I have detailed the problem enough for you to figure out what it is, but let me spell it out anyway: If my mother moves in with me, Lorelei will not...and I can't say I blame her. What woman would want to give up her own home to be subservient to another woman of the house? We have talked about renting/selling my house and moving into Lorelei's, but my house is larger and more conveniently located to both of our jobs, and because I live just over the border in a different state my property taxes are a lot lower than hers, as are my income taxes. We have considered selling both houses and buying something that will be "ours" but that would take even more time in this difficult economy. What the heck do I do? Do I have to choose between my mother and my girlfriend?

Signed,
What Would Dad Do?

Dear What Would Dad Do?

It is obvious from your signature that you are deeply mourning the loss of your father; to be thrown into this new situation makes life all the more difficult. I ran your letter by a friend who happens to be a social worker, and she suggested that you and your mother not make any unplanned, major life decisions for the first year. Since you and Lorelei had already planned on moving in together, you could go forward with this plan, or you may wish to hold off - it all depends on how you feel. How supportive of you was she during your father's illness? How emotionally supportive of you is she now that your father has passed and you are adjusting to life without the man whose opinions and guidance you still seek? The answers to these questions will help you decide what to do about living with Lorelei or holding off for a while - even if it is not for a whole year.

You should tell your mother that making a major move within the first year of a spouse's passing is a bad idea. On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, death of a spouse rates 100 points - the highest stress level one event can score. Divorce comes in a distant second at 50 points. (Click here to check your stress!). Moving into a new home will only further that stress. Point out to your mother that although you currently live alone, plans to move in with Lorelei in the very near future were all but finalized when your father passed and that those plans, although slightly delayed, are not subject to change. Stress that this means she will not be "the woman of the house" at your house; that Lorelei will be the woman of the house and that perhaps your brother Joe's offer would be worth a second look.

Whatever you do, do not make your mother not moving in about your desire to live with Lorelei but rather about your desire to have control over your own life. Remember that you did not invite your mother to come live with you - she invited herself. If your mother is still adamant about not living alone (one year later or not) and refuses to live with your brother, might it be worth suggesting she sell her house and buy a condo in a senior living community? Most people who do this find that they love it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I find that letters from men do tend to give a lot of background information before directly stating the problem. I have yet to figure out whether this is a desire to be thorough and communicate well or a desire to avoid getting to the issue.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 2: And A Man Shall Leave His Mother...?

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

I have always been kind of a Mamma's Boy, but that is because my father left when I was a very young child, so it has always been mother and me. The first time I left home was to go away to graduate school, which I did several years after receiving my undergraduate degree. I say "first" because I moved home once after that due to a poor economy and student loans. I have since moved out (over my mother's objections) and have a nice home of my own a few miles from my mother's - far enough that I can see her, but not so far that she would have to stay over when she comes to visit.

"I learned a lot watching television!"

I recently had a milestone birthday and have decided that it is time to take the next step with my girlfriend of two years. I plan on asking her to marry me this Valentine's Day! Of course, I told my mother this...and her reaction was far less than what I had hoped.

Mother got very upset when I told her I wanted to marry "Samantha" and went off on a litany about why she is all wrong for me. Everything from "Samantha is a stripper name! No good will ever come of a woman named Samantha!" to "she is beneath you financially; she is a GOLDDIGGER!". Tazi, Have an advanced degree in Chemical Engineering. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, but there are not a lot of people who are above me financially, except for CEO's who have basically sold themselves to their corporations. I pointed this out to Mother, and she told me I was ignoring her argument. When I further pointed out that Samantha is not only a faithful church-going woman and a Eucharistic minister but a woman I met shortly after graduating, when I had no job, no money, and lived with my Mom, Mother retorted that Samantha "saw the potential" of who I could be and staked her claim early.

Tazi, Mother has never made a single disparaging comment about Samantha in the past so I was quite surprised to hear her arguments against my marrying her. I asked Mother if she thought I was replacing her and she went off on a crying jag, saying that she had her suspicions that I was looking for an excuse to push her out of my life, and that I had just confirmed them. I tried to calm her, but Mother said that if I hadn't been planning to cut ties with her why would I even suggest that was the reason for her upset.

I am considering asking Samantha her feelings about building an in-law apartment onto my house so Mother could live with us, but I am afraid that she would only say yes to please me...I know I am only considering it to please Mother. It took me almost 30 years to permanently leave my mother's home an exert myself as a man. I have no desire to go back to what was. I just can't. What should I do?

Signed,
Mamma's Boy But Samantha's Man

Dear Mamma's Boy But Samantha's Man:

The last paragraph of your letter is quite revealing. You say that it took you "almost 30 years" to leave your mother's home and exert yourself as a man. It sounds to me that your mother has held a great deal of control over you and how you lead your life - right down to where you bought your house. I am going to guess that you had some kind of counseling in the past to help you to break free of your mother's unhealthy grip; either way, I am going to suggest that to you now. You may want to meet with a pre-marital counselor now, and have Samantha join you after you get engaged. A counselor will be able to help you develop ways to deal (and sometimes cope) with a demanding parent who does not wish to be put second for anyone. According to the Book of Ephesians (5:31) "...a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two will become one." Regardless of your religious views, this is common sense and the very basis upon which marriage is based!

It is possible that your mother's poor experience with marriage has tainted her against it and she feels she is trying to save you from the heartache that it brought her. I suggest that you have a sit-down talk with your mother on neutral ground - say, a local coffee shop where she is less likely to make a scene. Explain to her that you love her and will always be there for her, and that her reaction to your wanting to marry Samantha has deeply hurt you, but not changed your mind. Tell her you would like to know where this fury is coming from before it drives a wedge between the relationship you have with her and that she has with Samantha. Do not give her the upper hand because she will grab it and use it to manipulate you. If your mother starts to get emotional tel her that you will continue the conversation when she has regained her composure. Give her a few minutes and if she gets worse be a gentleman and escort her to the ladies room to handle herself in private. Do this once. If she starts a second time, tell her that you cannot talk with her when she is like this and that things will have to be continued another time.

At some point, you will have to get across to your mother that just because you are getting married you will not be abandoning her. Continue to assist her in ways you always have, or pick up the pace if you have not been assisting her with lawn care, car care, and other things that older women of a certain generation generally do not enjoy doing. Meet with your Mom once a week for coffee or lunch to have some "mother-son time". Draw your own boundaries, and make your mother aware that they are there and are not to be crossed. Do not even add "except in case of an emergency" because you will then discover just how little can constitute an "emergency". If your mother is truly in a panic, she will call regardless of boundaries; if you give her an emergency out she will call because she "ran out of creamer for her coffee and can't possibly drink it black because that will aggravate her ulcer, which will send her to the emergency room"...you get the picture, right?

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you see yesterday's letter from someone with a similar issue? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 1: Mother Doesn't Approve Of Remarriage After Divorce

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

My mother is driving me nuts and has crosses a line that I don't know can be uncrossed! I am a divorced man in my late 20's. I got married while still in high school (the Memorial Day weekend before graduation) and then went straight into the military and then shipped overseas shortly thereafter. I realize now that I should never have gotten married when I did and was doing it for all the wrong reasons. A lot of soldiers get cheated on by the woman they leave back home, but I was still surprised and hurt to find out that my wife had found herself a boyfriend. She tried to blame it all on me - saying if I hadn't joined the military I would never have been called away and she would never have cheated, forgetting that if I hadn't joined the military we would not have gotten married so young!

Anyway, all that is behind me now. I have been divorced for about eight years and have been dating a wonderful lady for two and a half years. I am much more mature than I was when I first got married - the military and war will do that to you - and my lady friend is just a peach. She, too, is divorced due to infidelity, but in her case it was her husband who cheated on her while she was working the night shift. She left him when he wouldn't give up his girlfriend (who he claimed was pregnant, but no baby was ever born. That's another story altogether and not mine to tell).

My mother does not want me to marry "Sally" because she is divorced. When I point out that I am divorced, too, Mama says that my case is "special"; that my wife cheated on me while I was "away being a hero for our country". When I point out that Sally's husband cheated, too, she says that's her point - that a satisfied husband will not cheat on his wife, and what kind of woman is willing to work third-shift when only undesirables and the disrespectful are out and about the town. Tazi, Sally is a nurse! She works at a hospital, saving lives! It's not like she is hanging out on a street corner looking to pick up men!

Mama has told me that she will not give our union her blessing, and my father just goes along with whatever Mama wants because he doesn't feel like having to deal with her. He has told me to just ignore Mama and do what I want - that she will come around, if only for the sake of appearances at first and then because of any grandchildren we might give her. Tazi, I want my mother to accept my wife and our marriage because she loves us, not because she wants to keep up appearances or is hoping for a grandchild. Truth be told, I am not too sure I would allow Mama to come around my children knowing she does not approve of my wife!

It's not that I am not a good decision maker - I am; it's just in the military most of the hard decisions were made by commanding officers and handed down to me to obey. Mama went and compared herself to my commanding officer and I just about lost it on her. At least when my commanding officers told me to do something I knew it was for the good of everyone, not just themselves. Did I forget that Mama has always hoped I would marry her best friend's daughter? Well, she has.

Signed,
Boots Off The Ground

Dear Boots Off the Ground:

Thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices you made - both overseas and in your personal life - to fulfill your commitment of service to our country. The price you paid was high, but you do not need to continue paying it. It is time you start living the life of a private citizen, and one of the advantages of being a private citizen is the right to exercise free will!

You did forget to mention that your Mama has a special interest in who you marry, one that goes beyond the whole mother-daughter-in-law relationship that forms upon marriage. With appearances being important to your Mama, I can only imagine the fantasies she has created that revolve around you marrying the girl next door. Try to understand that your Mama is suffering her own kind of loss that she will have to learn to deal with because you are not hers to control.

I suggest that you have a sit down talk with both of your parents present and call out the complaints and double-standards your mother is holding against Sally. Tell them both that you plan on asking Sally to marry you and that you are not asking their permission or for their blessing, that this is just a general for-your-information announcement. Soften your tone and tell them that you would appreciate it if they could accept Sally for the wonderful woman she is and work with you in the planning of your wedding; tell them that you want them to be a positive influence on your marriage, since they have handled their so well for so many years. Finally, tell your Mom that children don't always marry the one their parents hope for, but things work out in the end just the same! (Those words of wisdom are not mine; the father of a son spoke them to my Mommie many, many years ago when his boy, a dear friend of my Mommie and never anything more, married the love of his life!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Vegetarian Clashes With In-Laws Over How To Raise Her Child

Dear Tazi:

I am a vegetarian (non-vegan) and a new Mom. My husband became a vegetarian before I met him, but was not raised a vegetarian as I was; his family still eats meat. I am not one of those sanctimonious vegetarians that everyone sees in the news and assumes that all vegetarians are like that. I eat a vegetarian diet because it is how I was raised and I believe in the health principles of a plant based diet. Numerous studies have shown that red meat is not a healthy choice, and most of the animal products farmed today are full of hormones, antibiotics, and other chemicals that are not good for our bodies. These are the reasons my parents went vegetarian, raised me vegetarian, and why my husband and I are raising our daughter vegetarian.

My mother-in-law, “Francine” cannot understand the value of a vegetarian diet and has accused us of “abusing” our baby daughter because we are not feeding her meat. I have tried to explain to her that as a newborn she should not be getting anything but breast milk and that once we start her on solid food she will eat a plant based diet – grains and veggies at first, and legumes when she is old enough. Francine insists that a child needs meat to grow up healthy and strong.

I have heard Francine’s rants before – all through my pregnancy, when she insisted I needed to eat meat “for the sake of the baby” – and I can turn a deaf ear to them, but she has crossed a line and I am not sure how to deal with it. Francine called child welfare services on me (making no mention of my husband, her son) to ask for a welfare check on my baby, claiming that I was abusing her! When child welfare arrived they obviously found nothing wrong. They refused to tell me who made the complaint, but I was able to figure out that it was Francine when they told me that someone complained that I was “starving” my child.

Hen my husband got home from his office that night, I told him what happened and although he was upset he said we had no proof that it was his Mom who called; it could have been one of his brothers, but yes it would have been at Francine’s bidding. I would like to approach my mother-in-law about this matter, but my husband would prefer to let it go, claiming no harm; no foul. What’s your impartial opinion?

Signed,

Feeling Fouled

Dear Feeling Fouled:

As offensive as Francine’s behavior was (and yes, I too believe that she was behind the complaint; if not directly than indirectly) there is not proof that she actually reported you to child services. However, if she did I am sure she is just dying to find out when it happened, what was said, and how you reacted to the visit. Don’t give her that satisfaction! By leaving her to wonder about the outcome she will undoubtedly find a way to bring up the subject, at which point you can thank her for her concern and explain that child services is 100% on your side. Try not to argue with Francine about this matter, but plainly state that her job as a grandmother is to love the child; the job of raising her belongs to you and your husband. As embarrassing as a visit from social services must have been, they now have it on record that your daughter is healthy and residing in a good home.

I can see how Francine’s heavy-handedness will be a problem down the road – if she is ever left alone with your daughter through mealtimes, I can easily see her presenting your girl with a hamburger or a piece of fried chicken and suggesting that she give it a try. If your daughter grows up to be like most children, she will immediately reply “I don’t like that!” to any unfamiliar food that is presented. As a vegetarian parent, I am sure you already know it will be up to you to teach your child about her special diet; until she is old enough to understand and recognize these parameters on her own you may want to limit Francine’s mealtime visits.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. NPR offers some great tips on raising a vegetarian child, starting with telling the pediatrician about it! 

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Think Of Social Media As A Giant Community Billboard And Post Accordingly

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law “Monica” has discovered social media. Now, nothing is sacred. Everything my husband and I do or say goes up on Facebook and Twitter (that's right - not "or", "and"!). Everything my brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law do ends up there, too. The grandchildren (almost all of them teenagers) have blocked her from their accounts and have all but stopped talking to her about anything because she posts about them on her social media, too.

Monica says it is her “right as a mother and a grandmother” to brag about her children and grandchildren, but we are arguing for our right to privacy! It’s one thing to post about an award at school or a great catch made at a Little League game, but Monica posts about so much more – my fourteen year old son’s bout with diarrhea; my niece’s tearful break-up with her first boyfriend (including the details of how she saw him kissing another girl); and worst of all, the results of my brother-in-law’s colonoscopy! She has NO FILTERS!

We have tried to talk with Monica as a family, but she refuses to edit the information she posts, so we have told her she would simply be cut off from the information supply chain; that we will tell her nothing we would not want posted on the billboard in the center of town. This helped until Monica realized she could glean information from the grandchildren’s social media pages, which caused them all to block her (when simply unfriending her did not work). Monica demanded we  tell our son to allow her access, but we are on his side on this one.

Monica has now taken to bad-mouthing me and the other spouses (but not her children) on her social media pages. I am trying to tune it out, but it is hard because this family feud is now the topic of town gossip. I just want my life back! Is there any way we can turn back the clock on all of this over-sharing on social media?

Signed,

Becoming Facebook-Phobic

Dear Becoming Facebook-Phobic:

The backlash you are experiencing against social media is not uncommon, and it is a topic I find myself covering frequently. As more and more people start using sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit a lot of over-sharing is occurring and personal privacy is becoming a thing of the past. Since your mother-in-law refused to respect the privacy of other family members – after repeated warnings – you were within your rights to block her from the information source. It is sad that she felt the need to retaliate by airing the dirty laundry, but to most people this is a reflection on her, not you. Try to remember that and the next time the gossips pump you for information reply that you would prefer to keep the matter private, regardless of how Monica chooses to handle it. The problem with receiving gossip from a single source is that it gets repetitive and boring very quickly, and soon dries up like my garden in the August sun.

My larger concern here is the family dynamic with Monica. By cutting off all information from her you are essentially cutting her out of your lives. While this is an understandable reaction, it is not a healthy one. Social media sites allow you to adjust your settings so certain people cannot see everything you post. Yes, it can be a pain to have to adjust your settings for every status posted, so I suggest you and your family members resolve this matter by throwing Grandma a bone every now and then by posting directly to her wall. You can make your status updates invisible to her without unfriending her; this way you can control the information that she receives without worrying about what she will find on your page and maintain peace within the family all at the same time. I also think that Monica needs a new pastime; perhaps those close to her can suggest one.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Widow Wants To Date Again, Mother-In-Law Says "No"

Dear Tazi:

Two years ago I was widowed when my husband was killed in a car accident. Our marriage was not the best, but I stayed because of my love for his family. My in-laws are wonderful people who made all the difference in my difficult marriage. When my husband died, my mother-in-law was devastated at the loss of her eldest son, and our bond grew stronger as we grieved together. I truly thought we had a solid relationship that would weather any storm.

Tazi, as I mentioned it has been two years since "Fred" has passed. I would like to start dating again, and have mentioned this to a few close friends in the hope that they might know someone I would like to meet. I am not ready to join a dating site or go to any singles events; I would like to slowly enter the dating world, which is why I would like to go through mutual friends. I thought this was the respectful way to jump back into the dating pool, but even this doggy-paddle is too much for my mother-in-law to handle.

When I told Mom that a friend was planning on introducing me to one of her friends (the three of us plus another couple were going to go bowling) she did not take it well. She looked at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and asked me if I had "forgotten Fred already". I hugged her and told her that I will never forget my husband, but that I need to move ahead with my life. I told Mom that Fred would not want me to spend my entire life grieving for him, but Mom disagreed! She reminded me that Fred could be very jealous (which was one of the issues in our marriage) and said that he would not approve of me starting over with another man. Ever.

Tazi, I am only 32 years old, and do not want to spend my life alone! I would like to meet someone and even remarry and start a family someday, something Fred and I wanted to do when we reached our thirties.  I do not want to destroy the relationship I have with my mother-in-law. Fred's brothers are all very understanding, and have even encouraged me to try dating, so I don't think it is too soon to start. I don't want to hurt Mom, but I don't want to appease her at the expense of my future, either. How do you suggest I handle this?

Signed,
Widowed Wilma

Dear Widowed Wilma:

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. You do not mention for how long you were married or for how long you had been together, but thirty is far too young to have to go through the pain of losing a spouse. It is also far to young to be expected to spend your remaining years alone.

People grieve differently. For some, the pain of losing their spouse never goes away and they choose to remain single for the rest of their lives. For others, the time it takes to move forward varies from a few months to several years. Notice that I said "move forward", not "move on"; there is a difference between the two - in moving forward you are pushing ahead with your life, even as the memory of your late husband stays with you; to move on would be to leave his memory in your past. Someone needs to explain these facts to your mother-in-law, although I do not believe that someone should be you.

If one of your supportive brothers-in-law is up to the task, he should talk to his mother about the situation - as her son, as a brother who is still grieving, and as a brother-in-law who still has your best interests at heart. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that you are not looking to replace your late husband, but rather that he made a man's companionship so worthwhile that you find yourself missing having someone in your life. Think about it...if your experience with courtship and marriage was pure Hell, would you seek to repeat the experience?

Your mother-in-law may also have fears that she is not voicing. She could be afraid that you will meet someone new, re-marry, and forget all about her as you bond with your new mother-in-law! To lose a loving daughter-in-law as well as a son would be a burden no mother-in-law should have to bear. Please keep this in mind, as well, as you forge ahead in life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother-In-Law Wants Grandchildren ASAP, Reacts Badly To News Of Infertility

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is driving me crazy!  I am sure you hear that phrase a lot; can you stand one more letter on the woes of a monster-in-law? 

My husband and I have been married for several years and have yet to have children.  During the first years of our marriage this was our choice – we wanted to save money and establish ourselves as a married couple before becoming parents – but now our child-free life has turned into a childless one, much to our dismay.  Thinking we may have waited too long to start “trying” my husband and I have both had fertility testing.  The results showed that my husband has a dreadfully low sperm count, and that our dream of starting a family will most likely have to be fulfilled through adoption.  We are adjusting to the idea and considering all of our options, including foster parenting, before making any decisions.  We know that adopting a child is not like adopting a pet!

Here is the part where my mother-in-law comes into the story: From the moment we returned from our honeymoon she has been pestering us for grandchildren.  I am serious!  She actually met us at the airport and asked me if I was pregnant yet or if I had just let myself go now that I was married.  Tazi, my stomach looked the same as it always had!

During the first year of our marriage every conversation with “Thelma” revolved around how to get pregnant – including the best sexual positions for fertilization!  This was NOT something I cared to discuss with my mother-in-law, but whenever I told her so she would get in a tiff and tell me that grandchildren were her “God-given right” and that she had every right to instruct us how to provide them.

Over time, Thelma let up on her verbal demands for grandchildren and instead tried scare tactics and guilt, suggesting that by the time we had children she would be too old or too dead to enjoy them; or that I would be too old to have a healthy baby.  Up until we started trying I was able to tune Thelma out, but now…

Tazi, Thelma thinks her son walks on water.  It tore my husband and me apart trying to decide whether or not to tell his mother we are infertile, but we finally did because of her hurtful barbs towards me.  When we did tell Thelma that we could not have a family through natural means she accused me of “wasting all of her son’s good sperm” and leaving “the duds” behind.  Could this woman be that ignorant in the ways of the world?  Or is she just lashing out at me in anger because she refuses to see any imperfection in her son? 

My husband insists his mother does not understand how the male reproductive system works and has asked me to explain it to her (he is too embarrassed to do it himself).  I say that Thelma knows perfectly well how the male pipes work and that talking to her about it will just set me up for more of Thelma’s abuse, which I am sick of taking.  My husband and I have agreed to listen to your advice and do as you suggest.  So, Tazi, what do you suggest?  And I mean in addition to a Paw Slap of Disgust for my mother-in-law?

Signed,

Plumbing Problems

Dear Plumbing Problems:

Please excuse me while I go wash out my ears with lye soap!  You might want to do the same to get the sound of your mother-in-law giving you advice on the best sexual position to conceive.  It is obvious that Thelma has had her heart set on having grandchildren for a very long time, so it is not you that she is upset with but the situation as a whole; you are just the target of her frustration, and maybe even sadness.  You do not mention if Thelma has any other children – or should I say, grandchildren providers – but if her son is her only hope for grandchildren and/or hope for carrying on the family name this puts additional stress upon Thelma’s hopes, and thus additional pressure on you to fulfill them.

I do not believe that Thelma has no knowledge of how the male reproductive system works; I think she is just so disappointed by your devastating news that she lashed out irrationally.  Haven’t you ever said something that makes no sense while in a fit of anger? 

Do I think that Thelma is undeservedly angry with you?  Yes, but she needs to be angry with someone and from the sound of your letter she would never make her son the target of her wrath.  Because of this, your husband needs to be the one who talks to his mother.  Your husband must be the one who explains to his mother that it was a mutual choice to wait to have children; that you were not the one holding all of the power in the matter of reproduction.  Most importantly, your husband needs to explain to his mother that although he is disappointed about not being able to father a biological child, he does not harbor ill feelings towards you for wanting to wait to start a family – that his low sperm count existed years ago, just as it exists now.  I also suggest that your husband have this conversation in private with his mother, so she can mourn her loss (and yes, it is a loss) without having to resist the urge to lash out at you.

I am heartened to see that you understand all that goes into adopting a child, and that you realize that a child is not a pet; you cannot return a child if you tire of caring for him or her, or if it becomes inconvenient for you to be a parent.  Although foster parenting is a wonderful calling, be certain to explore your reasoning for doing it; do you seek to make a difference in the lives of children in need or are you seeking to window shop for just the right adoptee?  Not all children in the foster care system are put up for adoption; in fact, the ultimate goal of foster care is to eventually see the children reunited with their birth parents or blood relatives, whenever that is possible.

I wish you luck in your difficult situation and hope that the lines of communication between you and Thelma can clear to the point where you understand each other’s motives.  I am hesitant to give her a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust because, quite honestly, I think she is already hurting enough.  However, if you want to give her one yourself I will provide one to pass along:

Print, clip, and give to someone who richly deserves it!

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.