Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Perfection Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Martha", who is perfect in every way possible. Her house is always immaculately clean, her children perfectly poised, and her figure like that of a movie star. Martha's husband is equally good-looking, holds a very impressive job where he makes six-figures, and is as devoted a husband as I have ever seen. Meanwhile, I am 40 pounds overweight, my kids are forever getting dirty, my house looks like a tornado hit it, and my husband is just an Average Joe. I feel like Fred and Wilma Flintstone to Martha's Barney and Betty Rubble. The worst part is, Martha has never, ever given me a reason to dislike her. In fact, she is one of the sweetest people you would ever want to meet; always the first to lend a hand, or to compliment the work of others.

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible person for wishing SOMETHING bad will befall Martha - after all, into everyone's life a little rain must fall, right? Other times, I feel terrible about wishing ill on someone as nice as Martha. What is wrong with me, Tazi? I love my husband and my children, and I think I have a pretty good life...until I see all that Martha has, and find myself wanting more.

Signed,
Green-Eyed Monster

Dear Green-Eyed Monster:

From your signature, I believe you already know what is wrong: You are jealous of all that Martha has, and are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Try to remember that the reason for that may be because that is where the cesspool is hidden.

Rather than concentrate on what you do not have that Martha does, why not try to concentrate on all that you do have? Your husband may be an "Average Joe", but is he dependable and loving and a good provider? What is so "average" about that? Your children may be "forever getting dirty", but that means that they are outside playing and having a good time, instead of sitting in front of the TV playing video games. As for your figure, are you unhappy with how you look? Or only how you look in comparison to Martha? You are correct in thinking that Barney and Betty Rubble were the more glamorous couple when compared to Fred and Wilma Flintstone; but Fred and Wilma were a great couple in their own right! (Remember, Betty and Barney were not without their own issues, having suffered infertility! Bam-Bam, you may recall, was adopted).

The next time you find yourself wishing something bad will befall Martha, try to remember all of the blessings in your life; and recall the story of Richard Cory, a poem by the New England writer (he was from Maine) Edwin Arlington Robinson. You will never know the full story of someone's life until you are able to walk a mile in their shoes. A little rain must fall into everyone's life, but there is a chance Martha received her share at an early age. Try to be happy for your friend's blessings, and I am certain she will count you among them. Good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. For those who are interested, below is the poem I mention...

Richard Cory
by Edgar Arlington Robinson (1869-1935)

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine -- we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Marriage Is For Many Reasons, Not Just Children

Dear Tazi:

I have been married to my wonderful husband "Fred" for three years, and have been trying to conceive for almost a year now. On a recent visit to the doctor for my annual exam, it was discovered that I have ovarian cysts, which could be the reason I have been unable to get pregnant. The doctor said that the fact that I have cysts does not mean that I can't get pregnant, but it may make getting pregnant difficult; and she suggested further testing.

Tazi, Fred wants children more than anything in the world; and I am afraid that if I tell him I can't conceive, he will leave me for someone who can. On the other hand, it pains me (emotionally, not physically) to make love to my husband knowing that it will probably not result in the pregnancy we both desire. I hate keeping secrets from my husband, but I am also afraid of losing him. Any advice, little kitty?

Signed,
Inconceivable!

Dear Inconceivable:

As a fan of The Princess Bride, your signature made me smile...and reminded me of the love between Wesley and Buttercup; which one hopes is the kind of love every married person feels for their spouse. When your husband married you, he did so "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." He did not say, "I Fred take your uterus to be my lawfully wedded wife..."; he took ALL of you, declaring his love for you as a woman, not as an incubator.

You state that your husband wants children "more than anything in the world". Is this because he simply wants a child, or because he wants a child with you? Eventually, the idea of infertility testing will have to be approached (for Fred, too), so now is a good time to discuss the matter in an open and honest way. Ask Fred how it would affect your marriage if you could not have children. If for some reason Fred is resistant to fertility testing, it could be that he is afraid that there is a problem on his end; making testing all the more important.

If tests show that you are unable to conceive as a couple, there are options outside of divorce/infidelity that will help you fulfill your dreams of having children. Adoption is a wonderful way to complete your family, and is one avenue to consider. If you decide that adoption is not for you; surrogacy (though very expensive) is another option, as are (also expensive) fertility treatments and IVF [in vitro fertilization] which, depending on where you live, may be covered by your health insurance.

If, in the end, you are unable to conceive and Fred feels that leaving you is the only viable option, perhaps you would be better off without him. I know this sounds harsh, but you deserve a man who loves you as a whole person. However, I would give Fred the benefit of the doubt before you jump to such drastic conclusions. I have seen such situations before, and I think you are giving your husband far too little credit. The heartbreak of infertility can lead us to jump to such dire conclusions.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Mother-In-Law Cruises Away With A Paw Slap Of Disgust!

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is perhaps the most evil woman who has ever walked the face of the earth! She has never approved of me - no woman could possibly be good enough for her son - and she has always treated me like a second-class family member; but what she has done now is over the line - or should I say completely overboard?

A few months ago, "Bertha" requested that all of her children - and their spouses - go on a cruise together, as a family. Spending ten days with Bertha did not appeal to me, but I love the rest of my husband's family and the idea of a cruise with them was very appealing; so my husband and I both signed on for the trip (for which we paid our own way). The trip was purchased several months in advance, and we were to set sail in August. Note that I said "were", not "are" because my husband and I have discovered that after several years of infertility issues, we are now expecting!

My husband and I are both overjoyed at the prospect of becoming parents and nothing will come before my health and the well-being of the baby. This is where my issue with Bertha's cruise starts: The cruise is scheduled to take place during the week of my due date. Obviously, my husband and I have decided not to go on the cruise; and our family is all being very understanding and excited for us - all except for Bertha who actually accused me of getting pregnant on purpose in order to ruin her family cruise! In the past, she has made comments behind my back about how I must secretly be on birth control, so her comments are not surprising, but are still quite hurtful.

Bertha has told my husband that he should still come on the cruise, even if I won't, because "due dates are not accurate". My husband has told Bertha that she is crazy for thinking he would leave my side so close to my due date and that she will have to accept that we will not be going on the cruise. Bertha is now sulking, and is telling anyone who will listen what a "horrible son" he has become since marrying me! When my husband tried to explain to her that I am his WIFE, Bertha responded, "one day, you two might divorce; but I will always be your mother!".

Since Bertha's efforts at guilting my husband into turning his back on me to accompany her on the cruise are not working, she has started in on me; calling me a bad wife for wanting to "isolate" my husband from his family. Tazi, it's one week - one of the most important weeks of our lives, too! This is supposed to be a happy time for my husband and me, but Bertha is putting undue stress on me and making me miserable with her cruel barbs. Do you have any advice on how to deal with her? I am seriously wondering if I want my child to have a relationship with this woman!

Signed,
Finally Expecting!

Dear Finally Expecting:

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you I am purring! You are right that this should be a joyous time for you and your husband, so please do not let Bertha ruin it for you. You are correct in feeling that her barbs are out of line; but it sounds to me that she is reacting out of fear, not love. She is obviously very attached to her son, and as long as the two of you remained child-free you remained (in Bertha's eyes) a couple, not a family. The timing of your due date could have been anytime and it would not matter; Bertha would probably find a reason for why she would find it to be disrespectful to her.

The comment that you got pregnant "on purpose" in order to ruin her cruise is laughable, which was what I did when I pictured Bertha saying it. The next time Bertha starts in with her rude comments, try to smile politely and ignore her. When she finds that her self-absorbed attitude is making her look like a fool, she will hopefully stop. As the arrival date of her grandchild gets closer, Bertha may discover herself having a change of heart towards being away when your baby enters into the world. Perhaps your husband could point this out to her?

With regard to withholding your child from Bertha, you may discover that your baby will give you some common ground on which to build a relationship with your mother-in-law. Rather than pull away, why not work towards including her? Your husband can help you work towards this end. Although I am proud of him for standing up for you, it has to be difficult for him to always be in the middle of the bad blood between you and his mother - who has earned a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust for her cruel divorce comment!



Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Multiple Divorces Leave Man Feeling Cheated Out Of Children

Dear Tazi:

I am 45 years old and recently married for the third time. While my first wife and I were still dating, we discussed my intense desire to have a large family and to start having children right away; she agreed with me, saying that she too, wanted children. When we were married for a year and were still not expecting, I pushed “Danielle” to talk to her gynecologist about her inability to conceive.

When Danielle returned from the doctor she told me that the doctor said it was not uncommon for women who were under stress to be unable to conceive, and not to worry but to stop putting so much pressure on herself to start a family – that it would happen when her body was ready. I was a little upset with this hands-off approach, and made an appointment for Danielle with a different doctor so she could get a second opinion. She claims to have forgotten about the appointment and never went. After 18 months and still no conception, I drove Danielle to the doctor myself to make sure she went and demanded that she ask the doctor for fertility testing.

As I suspected, Danielle has fertility problems and would be lucky if she is able to conceive at all. I felt like I had been lied to, like this was something Danielle knew about or should have known about all along but chose to ignore, and trapped me into a childless marriage for her own selfish reasons. I of course filed for an annulment to the marriage, which Danielle fought since she would have fared better in a divorce, which she eventually got.

A few years after my divorce from Danielle I met “Sharon”. We fell in love, and she was aware of my desire for a large family, but shortly after our wedding she was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. She begged me not to leave, saying we could adopt children, but I want my own children not somebody else’s, so I again filed for a legal annulment and again things ended in divorce.

I am now married for the third time, and this time I was smart about it: I made sure that my wife, “Emily” had a full physical complete with fertility testing before our wedding. Everything seemed to be okay, but even after a year of regular relations we still had not conceived. Additional medical tests came back normal, so I reluctantly got tested only to discover that my sperm count is now dreadfully low!

I feel as though I have been cheated out of the large family I have always wanted. I cannot sue either of my ex-wives for fraud (that was what I tried to do in order to get my legal annulments but was unable to prove foreknowledge of the facts) so I cannot even feel the satisfaction of their punishment for wasting my healthy years. Adding to my misery is the fact that I heard through mutual friends that Danielle is re-married and expecting a child while Sharon has gone through with her plan to adopt. I feel as though both of these women owe me something for the misery that I has been inflicted upon me and I cannot stop hoping that something terrible happens to their children! I know I need help, Tazi; I am not a bad man, just broken-hearted. I am not even sure why I am writing to you. I doubt there is anything you can say that would heal me.

Signed,
Childless

Dear Childless:

On the one hand, you have my sympathies; nobody who sincerely wants children should have to go through the pain of infertility. On the other hand, your attitude is in severe need of adjusting. Twice you married and divorced because you felt you had been cheated by the women you married, but neither time did you bother to have your own fertility checked. You laid the pain and suffering of your childless state squarely on the shoulders of your wives, who had no foreknowledge or control over the situation. When these women needed your emotional support all they got was the sound of the door slamming as you walked out of it and out on them. Now that their dreams are coming true and yours are not you are dreaming of harming the innocent? You need to run, not walk, to the nearest in-patient therapy program and seek treatment before you make your wishes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You don't want to turn into this guy...
A therapist will help you to see your situation more clearly, to overcome the anger within you, and to help you deliberate the different paths available to you. Low fertility is not the same exact thing as infertility, and there are medical procedures that can assist you and your wife to conceive. I beg you to get the assistance you need to help overcome your pain, confusion, and hard feelings before looking into the process of assisted conception. You need to cross this first bridge before setting your sights on another.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Aunt Wants Motherhood, Baby Of Her Own - Not Teen Niece And Her Problem Pregnancy

Dear Tazi,

I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now without much luck. I had an abortion as a teenager, and I am afraid that it may have left scar tissue in my uterus. My gynecologist reassures me that this is not the case – that the amount of scar tissue is no more than one would expect from any D and C, be it post-abortion or post-birthing, and that I should not blame myself.

My older sister’s daughter “Regina” is now a teenager herself, and is pregnant. My sister is bemoaning this fact, like a baby is a curse and not a blessing. She is hassling Regina into having an abortion, but Regina is refusing. My sister has threatened to kick Regina out of the house, and Regina has asked if she can come and live with me and my husband, since we have an extra room. She has no idea that the “extra room” is the one we were hoping to turn into a nursery for our own child…someday.

I want to do the right thing and be there for my niece; I don’t want her to face future fertility problems from a teenage abortion, but I am not sure I would be able to stand having a baby other than my own living in my house. Not right now…it would be too painful. My husband says he understands my feelings, and he will leave the final decision up to me, but he thinks having my niece live with us would be good for me. He believes that mothering Regina will fill the void I am experiencing and relieve some of the stress I am putting on myself. Regina is awaiting my answer and I don’t know what to tell her!

Signed,
Hoping To Expect

Dear Hoping To Expect:

Letters involving infertility always break my heart; to want a baby and not be able to have one is one of life’s greatest miseries. As I am sure your gynecologist has told you, a couple is not considered to be infertile unless they have been trying consistently to conceive for at least twelve months; that these things can take time sometimes and that stressing over a lack of conception can actually lower the chances of conceiving.

You do not say how old Regina is; just that she is a teenager. If she is under the age of 18 your sister may not have the legal right to kick her out of the house and could be charged with child abandonment. Regardless of the legalities, morally your sister is in the wrong.

Since you are unsure of how you would feel having Regina and her baby living with you, I suggest that you try having her stay with you for a weekend. During that time you can welcome her into your home and lay down the ground rules that would exist if she is to live with you full-time. The House Rules could be a combination of things that are for the good of the home as well as for Regina’s future. I suggest Rule #1 be that she stay in school and graduate high school, followed closely by Rule #2 – no alcohol and no drugs. A baby needs a healthy, educated Mommy if s/he is going to have a chance in life.

You may discover that having Regina around actually increases your stress levels, at which point you need to be honest with her and tell her that you are trying to conceive without much luck, and having a pregnant woman around the house is doing a number on you emotionally. Offer to help her reconcile the differences she is having with her mother and/or to help her find a place to stay. There are a lot of organizations, both religious and secular, that cater to the needs of pregnant teens, including Problem Pregnancy which has offices in New England, and may be able to direct you to offices in your area - wherever that is.

You may also discover that caring for Regina is the outlet you need for your motherly yearnings and that your stress levels decrease when you are with her and preparing for the arrival of her baby. Although I cannot say that you will conceive if you do this, reducing one’s stress levels can help make that happen.

I wish you all the luck in the world! Please write back to let me know how things turn out for all!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Husband Goes To The Dogs When Stressed

Dear Tazi:

My husband has a nasty habit from childhood that he has never broken. It is not like he can't break the habit; he just doesn't want to break it. "Ron" likes to eat...dog biscuits. When he was a child, Ron had a dog that he loved very much. He would put the biscuit in his mouth and the dog would wrestle him for it. Ron tells me that often times the biscuit would break in two, and he and the dog would share the treat. Ron was only 10 years old when his dog died, and the habit of chewing on a dog biscuit comforted him.

By the time Ron got to high school, gnawing on a dog biscuit had become his way of dealing with stress. It was a habit that got him through the stress of an Engineering program in college, and since he graduated with honors I suppose there was something to it.  In the two years since we have been married, I had never actually seen Ron eat a dog biscuit - until last week.

Ron and I are trying to conceive and I have been having difficulty getting pregnant, which has put both of us under a lot of stress, and much to my distress I came home from work and found a box of dog biscuits on the kitchen table and my husband chewing on one while watching the evening news. Quite honestly, I was completely turned off by the sight of this; the thought of kissing my husband after he had been eating a dog biscuit made me physically ill (raising my hopes that I was pregnant, but I am not). I refused to kiss Ron until he had brushed his teeth and gargled, and even then I felt weird about it.

I have asked Ron to stop eating dog biscuits, but he sees no problem with it. Nutritionally, there is nothing wrong with them...but they are for dogs, not humans! Am I being unreasonable, as my husband suggests? Or does Ron need to grow up?

Signed,
Scooby Snacks

Dear Scooby Snacks:

Everyone deals with stress differently and although your husband's method is unusual, I don't believe it is unhealthy.  Dog biscuits were originally created by a baker for human consumption (as a nutritious treat) but they tasted so awful the baker fed them to his dog, who gobbled them up and looked for more. Dog biscuits are made up of crude protein, carbohydrates (usually from corn or rice), fats and essential oils, and fiber - all things that humans need in their diets, too! Dog biscuits are made to be easily digestible and have the side effect (now marketed as purpose) of cleaning teeth and leaving doggie's breath smelling fresh!

Since Ron's habit of eating dog biscuits is cyclical - meaning he only indulges during periods of stress and stops during periods of inner peace - I think this habit is a great way to read his mood, as well as to relieve his stress. Rather than pick on Ron about a harmless habit, why not try to communicate with him about the reasons he is eating them - the stresses that you are both going through right now. Talking through your problems may not completely relieve Ron's stress (and his desire for dog biscuits), but I am pretty certain that harping on him about his unique habit will only add to the stress he is under - and increase his dog biscuit consumption.

Ron obviously has a deep, emotional attachment to his Scooby snacks, so I do not see him kicking the habit any time soon. You may have to learn to live with his habit, and be happy that he has not turned to anything stronger - like alcohol or drugs - to assuage his agitation. As long as he brushes and gargles before kissing you, he is doing his part to accommodate you; try to meet him halfway.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Mother-In-Law Wants Grandchildren ASAP, Reacts Badly To News Of Infertility

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is driving me crazy!  I am sure you hear that phrase a lot; can you stand one more letter on the woes of a monster-in-law? 

My husband and I have been married for several years and have yet to have children.  During the first years of our marriage this was our choice – we wanted to save money and establish ourselves as a married couple before becoming parents – but now our child-free life has turned into a childless one, much to our dismay.  Thinking we may have waited too long to start “trying” my husband and I have both had fertility testing.  The results showed that my husband has a dreadfully low sperm count, and that our dream of starting a family will most likely have to be fulfilled through adoption.  We are adjusting to the idea and considering all of our options, including foster parenting, before making any decisions.  We know that adopting a child is not like adopting a pet!

Here is the part where my mother-in-law comes into the story: From the moment we returned from our honeymoon she has been pestering us for grandchildren.  I am serious!  She actually met us at the airport and asked me if I was pregnant yet or if I had just let myself go now that I was married.  Tazi, my stomach looked the same as it always had!

During the first year of our marriage every conversation with “Thelma” revolved around how to get pregnant – including the best sexual positions for fertilization!  This was NOT something I cared to discuss with my mother-in-law, but whenever I told her so she would get in a tiff and tell me that grandchildren were her “God-given right” and that she had every right to instruct us how to provide them.

Over time, Thelma let up on her verbal demands for grandchildren and instead tried scare tactics and guilt, suggesting that by the time we had children she would be too old or too dead to enjoy them; or that I would be too old to have a healthy baby.  Up until we started trying I was able to tune Thelma out, but now…

Tazi, Thelma thinks her son walks on water.  It tore my husband and me apart trying to decide whether or not to tell his mother we are infertile, but we finally did because of her hurtful barbs towards me.  When we did tell Thelma that we could not have a family through natural means she accused me of “wasting all of her son’s good sperm” and leaving “the duds” behind.  Could this woman be that ignorant in the ways of the world?  Or is she just lashing out at me in anger because she refuses to see any imperfection in her son? 

My husband insists his mother does not understand how the male reproductive system works and has asked me to explain it to her (he is too embarrassed to do it himself).  I say that Thelma knows perfectly well how the male pipes work and that talking to her about it will just set me up for more of Thelma’s abuse, which I am sick of taking.  My husband and I have agreed to listen to your advice and do as you suggest.  So, Tazi, what do you suggest?  And I mean in addition to a Paw Slap of Disgust for my mother-in-law?

Signed,
Plumbing Problems

Dear Plumbing Problems:

Please excuse me while I go wash out my ears with lye soap!  You might want to do the same to get the sound of your mother-in-law giving you advice on the best sexual position to conceive.  It is obvious that Thelma has had her heart set on having grandchildren for a very long time, so it is not you that she is upset with but the situation as a whole; you are just the target of her frustration, and maybe even sadness.  You do not mention if Thelma has any other children – or should I say, grandchildren providers – but if her son is her only hope for grandchildren and/or hope for carrying on the family name this puts additional stress upon Thelma’s hopes, and thus additional pressure on you to fulfill them.

I do not believe that Thelma has no knowledge of how the male reproductive system works; I think she is just so disappointed by your devastating news that she lashed out irrationally.  Haven’t you ever said something that makes no sense while in a fit of anger? 

Do I think that Thelma is undeservedly angry with you?  Yes, but she needs to be angry with someone and from the sound of your letter she would never make her son the target of her wrath.  Because of this, your husband needs to be the one who talks to his mother.  Your husband must be the one who explains to his mother that it was a mutual choice to wait to have children; that you were not the one holding all of the power in the matter of reproduction.  Most importantly, your husband needs to explain to his mother that although he is disappointed about not being able to father a biological child, he does not harbor ill feelings towards you for wanting to wait to start a family – that his low sperm count existed years ago, just as it exists now.  I also suggest that your husband have this conversation in private with his mother, so she can mourn her loss (and yes, it is a loss) without having to resist the urge to lash out at you.

I am heartened to see that you understand all that goes into adopting a child, and that you realize that a child is not a pet; you cannot return a child if you tire of caring for him or her, or if it becomes inconvenient for you to be a parent.  Although foster parenting is a wonderful calling, be certain to explore your reasoning for doing it; do you seek to make a difference in the lives of children in need or are you seeking to window shop for just the right adoptee?  Not all children in the foster care system are put up for adoption; in fact, the ultimate goal of foster care is to eventually see the children reunited with their birth parents or blood relatives, whenever that is possible.

I wish you luck in your difficult situation and hope that the lines of communication between you and Thelma can clear to the point where you understand each other’s motives.  I am hesitant to give her a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust because, quite honestly, I think she is already hurting enough.  However, if you want to give her one yourself I will provide one to pass along:


Print, clip, and give to someone who richly deserves it!
Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.