Loose Lips Will Sink This Cheater's Ship!

Dear Tazi:

I have a co-worker who constantly calls out sick.  No one person can be sick that often, if you get my meaning.  It has reached the point where I can predict when “Arnold” will be calling out of work – usually a Monday or a Friday, and definitely the day before or after a holiday weekend, sometimes both days.  Using the month of November as an example, I can tell you that Arnold will be “sick” on November 12^th (the day after Veteran’s Day) and the day after Thanksgiving, a day that we are required to work since we work the stockroom in a busy retail store.  We are supposed to work alternate weekends for overtime, but when Arnold is “sick” I have to cover for him, so I lose my free time.  The extra overtime really isn't worth missing time with my kids.

Arnold always has a doctor’s note to explain his illnesses, ever since the boss picked up on his sick day pattern.   I recently found out that Arnold’s “doctor’s notes” are actually forgeries!  I overheard Arnold bragging to a Salesgirl about how he created a fake prescription sheet on his computer, and that if she really wanted the day after Thanksgiving off he could provide her with a doctor’s note.

Tazi, I would like to tell our supervisor what I overheard Arnold saying, but I was on a smoke break when I heard it – and I am not supposed to be taking breaks to have a smoke!  If I have to explain to the boss how I heard I could get in big trouble, but it [makes me angry] that Arnold is getting away with something much worse and is trying to [cheat] the company in order to impress a girl.  I have a feeling that I already know what you are going to tell me to do, but I guess I have to see it in print before I can bite the bullet and do it, so what do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,

Makin’ Good Money, But Got No Time To Spend It

 Dear Makin’ Good Money, But Got No Time To Spend It:

I am not one to condone cowardice.  I think that if you want to report your co-worker’s treachery that you should be courageous enough to report how you discovered this information – it is the only way your report to the boss will sound believable.  After all, how else would you explain overhearing this bit of information?  If you have proven yourself to be a solid worker you may be censured for taking an unauthorized break, but I doubt you would be fired; hard and loyal workers are hard to come by, especially for jobs that entail manual labor. 

IF you feel that even the smallest act of insubordination would get you suspended or fired, I then suggest you anonymously report your errant co-worker; whether or not your supervisor will take an anonymous report seriously is questionable, but at that point you will have done all you can to right this wrong.

The fact that your co-worker is bragging about his dishonesty may be what sinks him altogether.  Once more than one person knows something it is no longer s secret!  Supervisors and Managers don’t always say anything, but believe me when I tell you that they know most or all that happens in the store/department that they manage.  Little to nothing gets by a good manager; one way or another, Arnold will discover this.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Wants To Keep Plan To Drop Out A Secret

Dear Tazi:

I have not been doing well in school this year. As of my last report card I was failing two subjects and my grades have not improved any. My parents have refused to pay for summer school again (I went last summer) which means I will have to stay back a year. I can't stand school and I want to drop out. I know that this is a bad idea and that, in my state at least, you need to be 18 before you can test for a GED. I am only 16 1/2 which would mean I would have to wait a year and a half in limbo without a diploma or a GED.

I know a lot of employers will not hire a high school drop-out, so I was thinking about not officially dropping out. This way I can remain on the school roster as a student and work full-time at the same time. This would mean I have to work nights and weekends, but I would at least be able to establish myself in a job and prove what a good worker I am so when the boss finds out I dropped out of high school he wouldn't be so mad. Also, I could keep the fact that I have dropped out from my parents by pretending to go to school in the morning and then coming home to sleep while they are at work.

I am pretty sure my plan is fool-proof, but I wanted to run it by someone before I do it. I don't want to tell anyone because my Mom always says that once you tell someone a secret it is no longer a secret. Can you see any downfalls with my plan?

Signed,
Ready For The Real World

Dear Ready For The Real World:

Starting life in the "real world" based upon a lie is not a good way to start at all. If you are not brave enough to own your decisions than you are not brave enough to face the world on its terms. Based upon the poor grammar and number of spelling errors (all of which I corrected) I am going to assume that English is one of the subjects you are failing. Having a poor grasp on this subject is going to limit the types of job for which you will qualify. Even if your job does not require you to write, most jobs require you to be able to understand written instructions. This is where a high school education will come in handy.

I commend you on your plan to test for a GED, but there is no guarantee that you will pass the test, and you will have to study for it, just as you would for any other test you take in school. The only difference is that this test is a much larger one with a lot more riding on it.

If you were to work full time and not attend school, you would eventually be dropped from the rolls. Depending on your school district you may be dropped after as little as one month of unexcused absences. In the meantime, the school would be calling your parents to report your absence as well as the truant officer to search for and locate you. If you think your parents are upset with you now, wait and see how upset they will be if you follow through with your plan.

If you have not been tested for learning handicaps (dyslexia, ADD, or other issues that can make learning difficult) I suggest you go to your guidance counselor and ask for a screening. Your hatred of school may stem from your poor grades, which may in turn stem from a learning disorder that has gone undiscovered.

I strongly urge you to complete your high school education, but if you are set on dropping out than I strongly suggest you be honest about it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Closet Cross-Dresser Seeks To End Double Life

Dear Tazi:

I am a cross-dresser. Most people do not even notice that I prefer to wear clothing of the opposite sex because I have very effeminate features and take a great deal of care with my appearance – more so than many real women.

I moved away from my hometown straight out of high school and I have managed to maintain a duel life by telling people that I have a reclusive twin brother – this way, if I am recognized out of makeup and wig, I can tell people that I am “Trudy’s” twin. Thanks to the magic of Photoshop I have been able to create very convincing portraits and pictures of myself and “Tommy” sitting side-by-side. I have also created a back-story for Tommy and of our childhood growing up together. I do not use social media sites, so I do not have to worry about the people from my past finding out about who I am now.

Tazi, I am so tired of living a double life and would love to be able to show the world who I really am – a heterosexual man who prefers to wear women’s clothing! I have the opportunity to take a new job in a large metropolitan city, the kind of place that would accept me for who I am and not judge me. The problem is that I have made many friends where I am now and would hate to simply drop out of their life; however with them it is a case of where I go Tommy goes, too.

I am afraid it would seem rather strange to people that Tommy followed me to my new city (currently he supposedly lives a few towns over from me) and I know that there are people who would want to stay in touch with him, so I am considering killing him off! I am thinking of saying he went on vacation and committed suicide – which would explain a closed casket – but I hate the idea of making those who have met him go through the mourning process. Do you have any better ideas on how to kill off an imaginary person?

Signed,
Just Trudy

Dear Just Trudy:

I am happy that you have finally found the courage to stop living a lie, even if moving away from the place you have lived it is what has given you the needed strength. I am impressed that you were able to pull off such a “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” escapade, in spite of my distaste for lies; self-preservation sometimes requires such measures.

Killing off your imaginary twin brother sounds like an expensive ordeal. A funeral is not cheap, plus there is a matter of a death certificate. No funeral home will perform the service without first viewing the body to ensure that the person is actually dead, and a death certificate must be issued. I suppose you could get around this matter by declaring that “services will be private” and them not hold a funeral; but this still leaves the issue of the grieving populace.

You mention that your imaginary twin brother is “reclusive”, which tells me he is rarely seen about town. Are you sure that his presence will even be missed? A better way to make your imaginary twin disappear would be to have him drop out of sight after you move; being a recluse he will not be expected to be seen, especially if his twin sister – his one reason for coming to town – is no longer living nearby. Anyone who wishes to stay in touch with him will surely understand that he prefers to be left alone, a la Boo Radley. As for people who wish to stay in touch with you, it will be your decision whether or not to come clean with them. I wish you all the best!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Most “real women” do not have the time to make themselves up like a queen! I commend your commitment, but condemn your critical tone! --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Embarassing Problem Leads To Office Theft...And Painful Consequences

Dear Tazi:

I have a very embarrassing problem, made worse by the way I have handled it. I have hemorrhoids, which leave me in agonizing pain and unable to sit still. I am too embarrassed to buy Preperation H at the store, and since they keep it behind the pharmacy counter I cannot secretly take it and leave the money on the service counter.

Last week, I was rummaging through a vacationing co-worker's desk for some white-out when I came across a huge stash of personal needs - feminine hygiene products, toothpaste, floss...and a brand new tube of Preparation H, still in the unopened box. Although I am ashamed to say I took it (and left the money for it), I have to say I am feeling great relief in other areas. My problem is, my coworker returned from vacation to find her product gone as well as the money that I left for her! She reported the "theft" to Human Resources, who sent out a memo about respect for others' personal belongings.

Tazi-Kat, although I am not proud of my part in this whole debacle, I am outraged that someone would take the money I had left! Should I approach my co-worker and explain what I did? Or just let the whole issue pass? What should I do when I need a new tube of cream? I just can't go back to living without it!

Signed,
H.

Dear H.:

I have to say, I am intrigued by your sense of morality. To steal is morally wrong, and I admire your desire to pay for your purchases; but your co-worker's desk is not your personal pharmacy. Since you appear to be positively humiliated over the concept of purchasing hemorrhoid treatment, I would suggest a compromise:

Write a letter of apology to your co-worker for taking her hemorrhoid cream, explaining that you were looking for white-out when you saw your tushy's salvation in a tube and could not resist "borrowing" it before realizing that once you used it the owner would probably not have wanted it back [Ed. Note: The nozzle of the tube is inserted rectally]. Mention that you left money for the product, so she knows your intentions were honorable, but pay for the tube a second time (consider it a penance for your actions) by enclosing money with the letter in a sealed envelope that is clearly addressed to your co-worker.

In the future, you might want to consider home delivery of pharmaceutical products through Internet sites like Drugstore.com or CVS. It will reconcile your embarrassment over being seen purchasing the product with your need to buy it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Does The Lady Protest Too Much? Or Does She Really Mean "No"?

Dear Tazi:

My wife will be turning 40 in a few months. This morning over breakfast she told me that she "absolutely, positively" does not want a big party to celebrate "this milestone birthday". Quite honestly, Tazi, I was not planning on throwing her a big party. I thought I would take her out to a nice dinner and and dancing at a local jazz club that I know she likes. I was also considering buying her some new charms for her Pandora bracelet, but a party never crossed my mind. I am hopeless at party planning.

When I got to the office I spoke with my assistant about the idea of a party for my wife's birthday, zedsince she is the one I have to handle all of my other event and engagement planning. I told her what my wife said and how I found it peculiar since my wife knows I don't know the first thing about party planning. My assistant told me that my wife was "definitely hinting" that she wanted a large surprise party and that she would get started on planning it right away.

As grateful as I am to my assistant for her eagerness to assist me in this personal matter, I am afraid that my wife really does not want to have a big party, and was letting me know that if I was planning anything to put an end to it before things were too far along to cancel. When I suggested this to my assistant she just shook her head and smiled, and told me that I was a great defense attorney and that I could use my skills in explaining to my wife why I ignored her request for a big party. Am I missing something here, Tazi? I am writing to you in order to maintain my anonymity. If I am being what my assistant calls "a clueless man", I would hate for my colleagues to know.

Signed,
Future Johnnie Cochran

Dear Future Johnnie Cochran:

Without knowing your wife's temperament or how well your assistant knows her, I cannot say for certain what your wife meant when she said she did not want a party. She may honestly not want a party and is giving you enough time to cancel any plans you have made or, as your assistant thinks, she could be hinting that she wants a huge blow-out event. I will try to guide you based upon any facts you may have in evidence.

In the past, has your wife suggested she does not want something, only to get upset when you do not provide it? Is your wife the type of woman who likes to be the center of attention? In the past, has your wife ever had a special-occasion/milestone birthday party; and if so, did she enjoy it? If you have answered "yes" to any one of these questions, it would appear that your wife is hinting that she would like to have a big party in her honor without coming right out and asking for one because that would be, as the teenagers say, awkward.

If, however, your wife is the type of woman who has always been straight-forward with her desires/requests; does not like to be the center of attention; and either has not had or has not enjoyed being the guest of honor at a milestone birthday party I would say that you can trust her when she tells you that she does not want a party. Please overrule your assistant (she works for you, not the other way around) and tell her that your wife does not want a party - and then hope that you made the correct choice!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My sources tell me that Pandora is "so 2012" and that Alex and Ani is the new big thing.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Baker's Secret Ingredient Comes From A Box

Dear Tazi:

I feel like such a fraud. I grew up in a world of 4-H club, Grange, and Future Farmers. Put me in a barnyard, and I can win blue ribbons with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind me back; but put me in a kitchen and I am as helpless as a newborn baby.

My Mom was always an amazing baker, and her pies would win first prize in every contest she entered. People would rave about her baking, and she was frequently approached by local restaurants asking her to bake for their dessert menus. After Mom passed away a few years ago, I inherited her recipes. As a tribute to her, I decided it was time that I learned to bake, too. I figured that with Mama's recipes, I would finally be able to make something that was worth eating. Boy, was I wrong!

Tazi, my pie crusts are like shoe leather and no matter what I do, my cakes always fall flat. Even I won't eat my own peach preserves, they are so runny; and my pear tart is frightening. A part of me feels like I am letting Mama down, so I have tried even harder to learn how to bake; but it seems like the harder I try to worse I fail. I finally gave up, and in a moment of desperation (I had company coming over, and they were looking forward to Mama's cherry cobbler) I bought a Pillsbury pie crust and some jarred cherry preserves in the next town over (which is about 30 miles away) and threw together the best darn cobbler I have ever tasted. It was apparent that my guests thought so, too, because they all told me how amazing my cobbler was - even better than my Mom's, God rest her soul!

Word of how delicious my cherry cobbler was spread quickly - mostly because people were shocked that I could bake anything that would turn out edible - and now people are encouraging me to enter my cobbler in an upcoming bake-off. Tazi, I just can't...the bake-off requires homemade recipes, and my ingredients are all store-bought! If I enter the bake-off, I will feel like a complete fraud; but what excuse can I give to avoid entering? All I ever wanted to do was make Mama proud. Now, I feel like she must be rolling in her grave.

Signed,
Pillsbury Dough Girl

Dear Pillsbury Dough Girl:

Although I cannot vouch for the jarred cherry preserves you purchased, I have to say that Pillsbury makes one amazing pie crust! If the preserves you purchased were just as good, that cherry cobbler you made had to be out of this world! I don't even LIKE people food, but I always make an exception for chicken pot-pie made with Pillsbury crust. I'm not helping your guilt any, am I? Sorry...

Not everyone has your mother's talents in the kitchen, just as not everyone has your talents in the barnyard. It is okay to not be good at everything; but it is not okay to misrepresent yourself in a competition. How would you feel if someone's hog won a blue ribbon for size because they hopped it up on steroids? I bet you would feel the same as the woman who slaved over her pie crust but received a red ribbon because you took first place.

If I were you, I would not - under any circumstances - enter that bake-off that folks are encouraging you to enter. If they ask you why you refuse to enter, tell them the truth: that the recipes you have are not your own; they were created by your mother and the honor of competing with them belonged to her. Then let the matter drop. Unless it is the Pillsbury Bake-Off* that you are entering, then by all means go for it - just be sure to reveal that you are using Pillsbury ingredients, a requirement of all entrants.

Snuggles,
Tazi

*The 2012 Pillsbury Bake-Off actually took place this past Tuesday.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's Good To Be Single For A While

Dear Tazi:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months and I am so angry I need to get it out of my system somehow! Thank you for listening. You are such a good kitty. Why am I angry? It's a long story.

I am almost 19 and a freshman in college. I am going to school a few hours away from home and have made a lot of new friends this year, mostly through my now ex-boyfriend. I thought we had a great thing going, until one of the women I met through "Aaron" asked me if everything was okay between us. I asked her what she had heard, because as far as I knew, things were going great - we were even talking about getting an apartment together next school year. My friend gave me a funny look, and dropped the subject - with me, at least. A few days later, a second friend approached me with the same question and was much more forthcoming with the details. Our first friend's brother had been cruising the personal ads when he saw my picture - and a profile describing me, saying I was looking for something "on the side"! Tazi, I did NOT post that ad!

Since our friends seemed to think the ad was real, I immediately spoke with Aaron to assure him that someone was obviously playing a cruel joke, possibly in an effort to break us up, when Aaron admitted that HE was the one who posted the ad! He said that he was "turned on" by the number of guys that wanted to get with me and that seeing all the responses made him feel like "the man". I was so disgusted by this I broke up with him on the spot. I feel used and violated...and alone. Most of my friends were Aaron's friends first, and I am afraid that they will choose him over me in the break-up.

Obviously, I am not going to get back with Aaron after this sick behavior - I can only imagine what he was thinking whenever he read the responses to "my" ad - but I don't want to be alone, either. Aaron gave me the email address and password to the account he created for me on the dating site because he hoped I would want to "share" the experience with him (that was when I broke up with him). Rather than take down the profile, do you think it would be okay to read through the responses and contact some of the men? I was thinking that they are interested in me, and why should they be hurt by Aaron's sick little joke? Plus, if a relationship with one of these guys were to happen, that would be the best revenge ever against Aaron!

Signed,
So Alone

Dear So Alone:

Have you ever heard the term "rebound romance"? That is when you go from one relationship straight into another, without allowing yourself time to recover. Such relationships rarely work out, and usually extend the period of broken-heartedness that the that rebound-er is feeling. The general advice I would give to anybody is to take a few months off from dating and concentrate on allowing yourself to heal.

Right now, you are angry with Aaron, and rightly so; but you are also mourning the loss of your romance, and possibly the loss of the friendships you made while you were dating Aaron. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a new relationship. I suggest that you give yourself time to unpack that baggage, and straighten out your affairs. Summer is coming, during which time you will presumably return home to old friends, family, and fun times. You have much to look forward to, and entangling yourself with someone new at this point in time will most likely complicate your life as you try to do the long-distance thing over the summer break.

To specifically address your question about contacting the men who answered "your" personal ad...what exactly did your ad - and the responses - say? You write that Aaron was "turned on" by all the men who want to "get with" you. If Aaron's ad was sexually explicit or even sexually leading - which it sounds like it was since you write that it said you were looking for something "on the side" - the men who responded are probably looking for a strictly physical relationship, which does not sound like what you are looking for but which may be the stuff of Aaron's fantasies. Why indulge either at your expense? Allowing these men to use you will only hurt you deeper.

I wish you luck in picking up the pieces, as well as good riddance to bad rubbish! It sounds like you can do a lot better than Aaron.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Smell Of Cigarette Is The Smoking Gun that Shot-Down This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

When I met my girlfriend six months ago, I knew she was a smoker. I do not date smokers, and told her so when she asked for my phone number (we met at a party). She told me she was working on quitting, so I took a chance on her. After three months I thought she had quit and was very proud of her. I have been nothing but encouraging in her efforts to quit, and I thought she had successfully managed to quit. Admittedly, she never actually said that she had managed to quit, but it appeared that she had.

Last night, I stopped by "Angel's" house after work and smelled cigarette smoke. I was so disgusted that I walked right back out and went home. Angel called to ask what was my problem, so I told her: I felt like she had lied to me about quitting, since it was obvious to me that she had been smoking. Angel told me that she had a very difficult day at work and broke down and had a cigarette, as she sometimes still does when she is stressed. Obviously, if she immediately turns to cigarettes to help her cope with stress she hasn't truly quit.

I let Angel know how disappointed in her I am, and that I need some time to think about the future of our relationship. Angel feels that I am being unreasonable and controlling, and told me that if I cannot accept her weaknesses along with her strengths than I shouldn't bother thinking things through because our relationship is over. I feel like I should be the one making the decision whether or not to end things - after all, I was the one who was wronged by her behavior. I called her this morning to tell her this, but she hung up on me before I was even done speaking my piece.

Tazi, I feel like Angel owes me an apology - for her dishonesty about not completely quitting smoking and for her rudeness on the phone this morning. I know that she reads your column every day, which is why I am writing to you. I know that if she sees my letter she will see just how hurtful her behavior has been, and that she offer me the apology I feel I deserve. I am still not certain I want to give this relationship a second chance; but I think I deserve the option to at least consider it.

Signed,
Smoke-Free

Dear Smoke Free:

It would appear that you are also girlfriend-free if you have not spoken to Angel by the time this letter is printed.

Your attitude strikes me as very demanding - not only of me, but of Angel as well. Quitting smoking can be extremely challenging for many people, so if Angel managed to quit, for the most part, in just a few months I give her a lot more credit than you are. In all fairness, Angel never said that she had successfully quit; just that she was "working on quitting" - it was you that assumed she had managed to kick her habit completely, and you who owe her an apology for being so judgmental.

Nobody is perfect, and you freely admit that Angel never said she had managed to completely quit smoking. Since you have not seen - or smelled - evidence that she has been smoking, I believe it is safe to assume that she has made great strides in her attempts to quit smoking, and that your faith was not misplaced. As for your belief that you should be the one making the decision about whether or not to end the relationship, I have to side with Angel on this matter: You are being controlling. No one party has the sole right to decide to continue or end a relationship with another person; the other person can make decisions, too. Sometimes the decision made is not to our liking, but something we must accept nonetheless.

I will stop short of agreeing that Angel owes you an apology for hanging up on you, in spite of the fact that I believe it was quite rude, because I feel that you are not telling me the whole story that led up to her prematurely ending the conversation. I will end by pointing out that Angel makes a second, very valid point. In order for a relationship to work, you must be willing to accept a person's weaknesses. As Marilyn Monroe put it, "If you can't handle me at my worst you sure don't deserve me at my best".

Snuggle (Just one!),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Depression Has Many Symptoms, Is A Treatable Illness

Dear Tazi:

My life has not been all that great in this busted economy, so I have taken to imagining that my life is ten times better than it ever was. In the evening, when I return home from a job I hate to a small apartment I despise to microwave a frozen dinner (the only kind I can afford) I imagine that I am wealthy, without a care in the world. Since all of my problems could be solved if only I had more money, these fantasies take me away from the cares of my real life. I love my fantasy life, and up until now it has kept me going in my real life.

A few months ago, my boss told me that she would be transferring to a different office and that I would have a new supervisor come summer. I like my old boss, and would have followed her to the out of state office where she transferred, except that there were no openings that covered relocation and I do not have the money to relocate. Do you see what I mean when I say that all of my trouble could be solved if I had more money?

My new boss is awful. I can’t stand working for her. She has no respect for anyone but herself. She came into the office and tried to change how everything is done; the first thing she did was fire all of the non-union employees so she could bring in her own people. My office is now filled with new people who are not nearly as pleasant as my old co-workers. On top of it all, my new boss came to work when she was sick and I caught her cold. This is where my problems get worse.

Since I was too sick to go to work, my doctor gave me a note to stay home. It was so nice not to have to go to work, and since I get paid sick time it did not impact me financially. When I got over my cold, I didn’t want to go back to work, so I lied and told the doctor I was still feeling fatigued and he wrote me out of work for another week. When that week was up, I still did not want to go back to the office so I told the doctor I was still not feeling well enough to return to work. I have [private disability insurance] so I still have money coming in to pay my bills even though I am not working.

My doctor has run all sorts of tests for various illnesses, from chronic fatigue syndrome to mono and all have come back negative. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out of work on medical leave, but the thought of going back leaves me feeling very depressed, especially since I have crawled further and further into my fantasy world since being home all this time. I have started to look for a better job, like I had before the economy went sour, but I am not having much luck. Can you think of any illnesses that I might ask my doctor to test me for, to keep me out of work just a little bit longer? Maybe until I can find a better job?

Signed,

Paradise Lost

Dear Paradise Lost:

I think you might be suffering from a very real illness called clinical depression; if your doctor has not had you screened for it yet I suggest you come clean to him and ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

While having a fantasy life is not uncommon and is actually a healthy way to deal with life’s everyday stresses, regressing into that fantasy life at the cost of living your own reality is not healthy. Your life does not sound very enviable, but pretending to be sick in order to remain out of work on leave is not going to improve your prospects at all. What is worse, and extended illness could actually hurt your chances of finding a new job, should your current employer report on you when called for an employee reference.

If you are suffering from depression there are medicines and counselors who can help you to overcome the symptoms and help you to function outside of your fantasy world. By following a prescribed medical plan, you will be able to work towards making your fantasies a reality – but you have to take the first step and get tested! Depression is a treatable illness. You will not be sent back to work right away, and your bills will be covered by your medical insurance. Since depression is a documented disability, your private disability insurance should cover you while you work towards recovery. I know it is hard, but once you find the courage to do the right thing things will get easier. Please write back in six months or so to let me and my readers know how you are doing!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Embarassing Problem Leads To Office Theft...And Painful Consequences

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have a very embarrassing problem, made worse by the way I have handled it. I have hemorrhoids, which leave me in agonizing pain and unable to sit still. I am too embarrassed to buy Preperation H at the store, and since they keep it behind the pharmacy counter I cannot secretly take it and leave the money on the service counter.

Last week, I was rummaging through a vacationing co-worker's desk for some white-out when I came across a huge stash of personal needs - feminine hygiene products, toothpaste, floss...and a brand new tube of Preparation H, still in the unopened box. Although I am ashamed to say I took it (and left the money for it), I have to say I am feeling great relief in other areas. My problem is, my coworker returned from vacation to find her product gone as well as the money that I left for her! She reported the "theft" to Human Resources, who sent out a memo about respect for others' personal belongings.

Tazi-Kat, although I am not proud of my part in this whole debacle, I am outraged that someone would take the money I had left! Should I approach my co-worker and explain what I did? Or just let the whole issue pass. What should I do when I need a new tube of cream? I just can't go back to living without it!

Signed,
H.

Dear H.:

I have to say, I am intrigued by your sense of morality. To steal is morally wrong, and I admire your desire to pay for your purchases; but your co-worker's desk is not your personal pharmacy. Since you appear to be positively humiliated over the concept of purchasing hemorrhoid treatment, I would suggest a compromise:

Write a letter of apology to your co-worker for taking her hemorrhoid cream, explaining that you were looking for white-out when you saw your tushy's salvation in a tube and could not resist "borrowing" it before realizing that once you used it the owner would probably not have wanted it back.

You stuck it WHERE? Um, no I don't want it back, thanks...

Mention that you left money for the product, so she knows your intentions were honorable, but pay for the tube a second time (consider it a penance for your actions) by enclosing money with the letter in a sealed envelope that is clearly addressed to your co-worker. You can do this anonymously, if you would like; I will not split hairs.

In the future, you might want to consider home delivery of pharmaceutical products through Internet sites like Drugstore.com or CVS. It will reconcile your embarrassment over being seen purchasing the product with your need to buy it.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Multiple Divorces Leave Man Feeling Cheated Out Of Children

Dear Tazi:

I am 45 years old and recently married for the third time. While my first wife and I were still dating, we discussed my intense desire to have a large family and to start having children right away; she agreed with me, saying that she too, wanted children. When we were married for a year and were still not expecting, I pushed “Danielle” to talk to her gynecologist about her inability to conceive.

When Danielle returned from the doctor she told me that the doctor said it was not uncommon for women who were under stress to be unable to conceive, and not to worry but to stop putting so much pressure on herself to start a family – that it would happen when her body was ready. I was a little upset with this hands-off approach, and made an appointment for Danielle with a different doctor so she could get a second opinion. She claims to have forgotten about the appointment and never went. After 18 months and still no conception, I drove Danielle to the doctor myself to make sure she went and demanded that she ask the doctor for fertility testing.

As I suspected, Danielle has fertility problems and would be lucky if she is able to conceive at all. I felt like I had been lied to, like this was something Danielle knew about or should have known about all along but chose to ignore, and trapped me into a childless marriage for her own selfish reasons. I of course filed for an annulment to the marriage, which Danielle fought since she would have fared better in a divorce, which she eventually got.

A few years after my divorce from Danielle I met “Sharon”. We fell in love, and she was aware of my desire for a large family, but shortly after our wedding she was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. She begged me not to leave, saying we could adopt children, but I want my own children not somebody else’s, so I again filed for a legal annulment and again things ended in divorce.

I am now married for the third time, and this time I was smart about it: I made sure that my wife, “Emily” had a full physical complete with fertility testing before our wedding. Everything seemed to be okay, but even after a year of regular relations we still had not conceived. Additional medical tests came back normal, so I reluctantly got tested only to discover that my sperm count is now dreadfully low!

I feel as though I have been cheated out of the large family I have always wanted. I cannot sue either of my ex-wives for fraud (that was what I tried to do in order to get my legal annulments but was unable to prove foreknowledge of the facts) so I cannot even feel the satisfaction of their punishment for wasting my healthy years. Adding to my misery is the fact that I heard through mutual friends that Danielle is re-married and expecting a child while Sharon has gone through with her plan to adopt. I feel as though both of these women owe me something for the misery that I has been inflicted upon me and I cannot stop hoping that something terrible happens to their children! I know I need help, Tazi; I am not a bad man, just broken-hearted. I am not even sure why I am writing to you. I doubt there is anything you can say that would heal me.

Signed,

Childless

Dear Childless:

On the one hand, you have my sympathies; nobody who sincerely wants children should have to go through the pain of infertility. On the other hand, your attitude is in severe need of adjusting. Twice you married and divorced because you felt you had been cheated by the women you married, but neither time did you bother to have your own fertility checked. You laid the pain and suffering of your childless state squarely on the shoulders of your wives, who had no foreknowledge or control over the situation. When these women needed your emotional support all they got was the sound of the door slamming as you walked out of it and out on them. Now that their dreams are coming true and yours are not you are dreaming of harming the innocent? You need to run, not walk, to the nearest in-patient therapy program and seek treatment before you make your wishes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You don't want to turn into this guy...

A therapist will help you to see your situation more clearly, to overcome the anger within you, and to help you deliberate the different paths available to you. Low fertility is not the same exact thing as infertility, and there are medical procedures that can assist you and your wife to conceive. I beg you to get the assistance you need to help overcome your pain, confusion, and hard feelings before looking into the process of assisted conception. You need to cross this first bridge before setting your sights on another.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

There's A Fine Line Between Practical Jokes And Dishonesty

Dear Tazi:

I am an identical twin – and I mean identical; even our friends can’t always tell my sister and me apart just by looking at us. While I am somewhat shy and very studious, my sister is very outgoing (she will talk to anyone, anywhere) and kind of a practical joker – she sometimes likes to pretend she is me.

When we were kids, “Melanie” and I would pretend to be each other to fool people. A few times – very few times, because I knew it was wrong – I would take a test for her that she was going to fail. Melanie just isn’t very good at math and I am a whiz at it, so I would take her test for her, making just enough mistakes so the teacher wouldn’t wonder why she was doing so badly on the homework but getting A’s on her tests. I only did this because our parents were very strict about school, and Melanie was trying her best to pass on her own.

Now that we are older and our personalities are more developed I don’t like playing the whole “twin game” we had as kids, especially since Melanie puts herself out there so much more than me; I am really uncomfortable talking to strangers or even cute guys I do know. In short, it’s gotten easier to tell us apart – especially for our teachers.

Melanie is very into theatre and has no problem pretending to be me, which she did during final exams last school year. She was completely unprepared for a math exam and pretended to be me because she knew the teacher would allow me to reschedule for a later date but not her. This forced me to go into the exam as Melanie and then take my exam on make-up day. I am pretty sure the teacher knew I was not Melanie, so I pretended to be sick to explain why “Melanie’s” personality was off that day.

This school year, I have the same math teacher as last and I am afraid to face her because I think she knows what Melanie and I pulled last year. She has no proof, and since it was a math exam she can’t really compare our handwriting, but I think she suspects us of being dishonest. I saw her at the store this summer and she called me Melanie, paused, and added, “Or are you ‘Melissa’?” This is our senior year of high school, so doing well will be very important because we will both be applying to college. I want my sister to do well, but I can’t go on lying for her and taking exams for her! Especially since I think we may already have been caught! If Melanie tries to pretend she is me again, how can I get around it without getting her in trouble? If I go along with what she wants and we are caught, then we will both get in huge trouble!

Signed,

“Melissa”

Dear Melissa:

If you think your teacher suspects something, you are probably right. Adults are not as stupid as teenagers like to think they are. Even the most identical twins have differences that set them apart – be it a slightly narrower jaw or a thicker eyelashes; a different tone of voice or even their physical stance (aka body language) can provide clues as to which twin is which! Unless your sister can give a performance like Sally Field, I doubt she was able to nail your personality with such exactness that your teacher was completely fooled by it. Most teachers are willing to give the benefit of the doubt, which is probably why she let things slide...until she saw you pretending to be your sister. However, without proof she really could not do anything about it.

In real life things don't work out like they did at Sweet Valley High!

Since grades are already recorded and cannot be changed, there is nothing that can be done about the fraud that has already been perpetrated, but you can bet that your teacher will be keeping both eyes open to ensure that it does not happen again! The only way to make sure you stay out of trouble is to refuse to associate with it. Tell your sister your worries, and that you will help her to study her math but you will not take the tests for her. Let her know up-front that you will not cover for her if she pretends to be you. While this may sound like a cruel abandonment of your twin in a time of need, think about the position she is putting you in: by pretending to be you even after you have warned she not to she is disrespecting you.

Once school starts, you will have to work to regain your teacher’s trust. Once she sees that you are an earnest and honest student she may chalk up her doubts to end-of-year stress and let them fall by the wayside; do not give her a reason to reignite them, lest you find both you and your sister being expelled for academic dishonesty. You are far too young to spoil your future over something like failing a math test.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband's Deceit Leads To An Artfully Tangled Web

Dear Readers:

In honor of my 10th birthday this week (6/26) I am taking a week-long vacation! For your entertainment, I am re-posting some classic columns that you may have missed the first time!

--T.K.

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My sister-in-law fancies herself an artist, even though the consensus is that she does not have talent in the traditional sense. Several years ago, she “created” (her word) me a painting that I have always found absolutely hideous. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I hung the picture in my study, over my favorite easy chair. This way, it was in a place where nobody would see it (not even me, since my back was always to it when I sat down) but at the same time could be considered to be hanging in a place of honor.

Recently, I moved to a smaller home where the only place to hang the painting would have been in a very prominent place in the front room of the house. However, during the move, the painting was damaged beyond repair. My sister-in-law is beside herself that her “priceless work of art” is no more. She is suggesting that I sue the movers for the value of the painting. The problem is not only that she considers the painting to be worth several thousand dollars, but that I secretly paid the movers to “accidentally” break the frame and tear through the canvas!

My wife has no idea of what truly happened, and she had tried to comfort her sister by calling the incident “an unfortunate accident” but her sister will not stop harping on the idea of an insurance payoff to “compensate for the deep financial loss” my wife and I have experienced. If I lie to my sister-in-law and pretend to have received a modest insurance settlement, she will be insulted that’s I settled for so little; and if I lie to her and pretend that I received a large insurance settlement, it will validate her own belief that she is a very talented artist. Any advice on where I should go from here, Tazi?

Signed,
Stuck in an Ugly Picture

Dear Stuck:

I do not endorse lying for whatever reason because, as you are now discovering, dishonesty has a way of creating all sorts of new problems – although I must say, the fact that you paid off the movers to “accidentally” destroy the painting did give me a giggle! Does that make me a bad kitty? Or was the picture really that bad? Oh, look! Now here I am asking you for advice!

Considering that the lie has already been told, my advice to you is not to compound it. If coming clean will cause more trouble, as well as hurt feelings for innocent parties – and it sounds like it will – than coming clean is not the answer.

You might want to try taking the remains of the painting (or a picture of the painting, if you no longer have the actual painting itself) and paying to have it professionally appraised. I realize this might cost you a little more than the original $20 you had planned on laying out, but think of it as a down-payment on peace and quiet in your home. Should the appraiser come back with a low value on the painting, you can present this estimate to your sister-in-law with the explanation that sentimental value does not increase the professional value of a painting. Should the painting actually have been worth something, the joke will be on you; and your sister-in-law will have every right to believe herself a “very talented artist”. Either way, you should let the whole idea of an insurance claim fall by the wayside. Sometimes, we need to lay in the beds we have made.

--Tazi-Kat

A Modern Day Case of The Rumpelstiltskin Blues

Dear Readers:

In honor of my 10th birthday this week (6/26) I am taking a week-long vacation! For your entertainment, I am re-posting some classic columns that you may have missed the first time!

--T.K.

Dear Tazi-Kat:

Right about now I feel like the miller's daughter in the fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin. This past spring I was trying to impress a guy in my dorm (I will call him "Paul"). A bunch of us were sitting around watching Cake Boss on TV, when Paul commented on how amazing the cakes were, and how much talent it must take to create something like the ones the contestants made on the show. That was when I opened my big mouth and, before I even realized I was saying it, told Paul - and everyone else who could hear me - that I made amazing cakes like you see on TV or in upscale bakeries. I do not know what possessed me to say what I did. The truth is, I can barely make a cake that comes out of a boxed mix without botching the job.

Paul - and others - were very impressed, and he asked me if I could bake a cake for his birthday this year. His birthday was in October, so I figured I would have the summer to try and learn how to bake cakes, but I never could manage to get it right; in spite of the fact that I took "after-hours" cake baking classes at Johnson and Wales University, one of the premier culinary institutes in America. Fortunately, through an unintentional but well-timed accident, I sprained my wrist and was unable to fulfill my birthday cake commitment to Paul, who was most understanding of my issue and told me that I could make one for his graduation instead. I thought this would buy me some more time to buckle down and learn the art of cake baking, but I just found out that Paul is graduating a semester early, in December of this year! I now have less than one month to learn how to bake impressive cakes or have my secret revealed! What should I do, Tazi-Kat? I really like this guy, and still have hopes that a relationship between us could develop...if only I could take back my lie.

Signed,
Merely a Low-Level Cake Employee, Not A Cake Boss

Dear Low-Level Cake Employee:

Since your signature gave me a chuckle, I will spare you the reprimand for lying to your friend. It seems to me that you have learned the trouble to which lies can lead, and that sick feeling you must be experiencing need not be compounded with a lecture from me.

The cakes featured on Cake Boss are indeed impressive. Some, I must add, are completely over the top. If Paul is expecting anything like the cakes featured on TV - a triple-tier monstrosity, decorated with all sorts of bangles and accessories - your problems are too far gone to overcome, and you must be truthful with Paul: Tell him that you fibbed to try and impress him, never dreaming your dishonesty would go so far or be remembered this long. Tell him that you tried to learn how to bake impressive Cake Boss style cakes, so you could make good on your promise to him; but experienced an epic FAIL. (Seriously...you signed up for after-hours cake baking classes at Johnson and Wales? That is definitely a serious commitment to the cause!).

Although I could not blame Paul if he is angry with you for lying to him if he is a kind and understanding man, he may see humor in the situation; appreciate the extreme efforts you made to honor your offer to bake him such a grand cake; and, with any luck, years from now this is a story that you will be telling your grandchildren. If, however, things go in the opposite direction and Paul is righteously angry, accept the parting of ways that is bound to occur; and the experience as a lesson learned.

-- Tazi-Kat

Lying To A Child About Death Is Not A Good Idea

Dear Tazi:

My little sister is the product of a second marriage, so there is a large age difference between us (about 15 years). I love her dearly, and wanrt to protect her from life's little sadnesses that seem to devastate children.

"Lola" is five years old and has a pet goldfish. Lola loves her goldfish like most children love their pets - heart and soul! Goldfish do not live that long, so I am afraid that Lola's pet has a shelf life of less that six months at this point. Our grandfather recently died and Lola did not take it well at all. She has had nightmares and is concerned that everyone she loves is going to die, too - including her beloved pet fish.

Should Lola's fish die, I am considering replacing the fish before she notices (I am the one who feeds it and cares for it; she just enjoys it). I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, though. If I were to go through with my plan, I would tell nobody - once you share a secret it is no longer a secret! I am just afraid that maybe Lola will be able to tell the difference between her fish and the replacement fish. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill, as my Grandpa always said I did?

Signed,
Big Sis

Dear Big Sis:

The love you show for Lola is a beautiful thing, and your desire to protect her at this vulnerable time in her life is commendable, but I do not think you should deny Lola the opportunity to grieve her losses. So often when we try to shield children from pain we end up leaving them unable to develop emotionally.

Lola's reaction to the passing of your Grandpa is not unusual in young children, especially if the death was unexpected and the child close to the loved one who passed. Rather than cross a bridge that has yet to appear on the horizon, I think you should try to work through the difficulties Lola is currently facing.

While children do not always benefit from counseling, counseling is not always necessary. I suggest instead that you try to spend time with Lola one on one, and when she feels ready to talk about her fears and stresses, gently respond. Do not push away her concerns by telling her they will not happen because in her mind they can - and will, which is why she is so stressed. Instead, validate Lola's feelings by telling her that you are sad, too, so you understand how she feels and that it is okay to feel scared and alone but that she is not; let her know that she has you and her mother and father who love her and want to be there with her to see her grow up. If your Grandpa's death was due to illness, explain this to Lola in terms she can understand and grasp. If you are religious, explain the concept of Heaven to her. You have my deepest sympathies on your loss.

To answer your question about buying Lola a new fish, I would not recommend this - you will only be putting off the inevitable and giving the girl false hope that future fish will have an equally long life-span, leading to a charade that will have to be repeated until Lola is old enough to catch on - and then you really will have a mountain to overcome instead of just a molehill.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Wants Child, Wife Secretly On Birth Control

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for not quite 3 years, and my husband is pressuring me to have a baby. I would like to have a child, but it is not that simple. I am not ready to be a Mom yet. I do not like children, and I am afraid I will not like my own child. I would also like to go back to school to earn my graduate level degrees, and a baby would prevent me from doing that.

I have told my husband that I would like to have a baby "someday", but not right now. Unknown to him, I am still taking my birth control pills. I am in my early thirties and realize that my time to have a child is running short, but I still feel no pressure or anxiety about getting pregnant. In fact, the only anxiety I feel is a fear that my birth control will fail and I will end up pregnant. Obviously, I cannot talk to my husband about this.

Tazi, I am in a bind. When I got married, I never expected my husband to want to start a family so soon. He is the type of man who talks big but never follows through with any of his plans. I was hoping starting a family was one of those big plans that would never materialize. I think he is getting pressure from his mother, but when I ask him he tells me to leave her out of it; that he wants a child as much as she wants a grandchild.

I am fast losing my desire to be around my husband and have been spending a lot of my free-time with my friends to avoid the opportunity for any kind of intimate acts. The less time I spend with my husband the more I realize how little I miss him. My marriage does have its good points, Tazi. My husband is a good provider and we own a nice home. Financially I would lose a lot if I left, and would never be able to pursue my graduate studies. I am...

In A Bind

Dear In A Bind:

Your marriage is in a very bad spot! You and your husband have some serious communication problems that need to be addressed openly and honestly. It sounds to me that you do not want to have children - ever - and are trying to convince yourself that you really do in order to please your husband. Ask yourself this: how would you feel if tomorrow you discovered you were pregnant? Would you be happy or upset? It is understandable that you would be scared, but would you be excited through your fear or simply panicking that your life is now over? Now imagine that the pregnancy was a false alarm. Do you feel a sense of sadness or relief? A combination of the two? Your honest reaction to these questions will answer your question as to whether or not you want to me a Mom.

Not every woman is cut out to be a mother. You write that you do not like children and that you are afraid that you will not like your own. This is entirely possible; I suggest that you talk to a counselor about these feelings. It could be that the pressure being put upon you to bear a child is what is pushing you away from this decision. No woman wants to feel like her sole purpose is to incubate her husband's young, but it could be that your feelings are an early warning that parenthood is not for you.

You say that you cannot talk to your husband about all of this - including the fact that you are on birth control - but he is the one person you should be speaking to about your feelings, your hopes, and your fears. Marriage is a partnership, and I am afraid that you are not holding up your end of the deal by running away from the problems your marriage is facing. If you run too far, you may find that your husband has decided to take off, too - in the direction of the nearest divorce lawyer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Public Humiliation Can Be The Result Of Gossip

Dear Tazi:

I am a working mother of two young boys. My husband owns his own small business, and I assist with the bookkeeping on top of my regular full-time job. In addition to all of this, I make a concerted effort to be a part of my son's lives and be there for them and their activities; to that end, I go to work early in the morning so I can leave early in the afternoon and be there to pick them up from school or be present at their after-school activities.

Most of the other Mom's that show up after school are stay-at-home-mothers; I have noticed that many of them are very competitive among each other, dressing up like they just spent the day with the Kennedy's and wearing a full face of designer makeup. Many of these women also have figures to kill for. There is one woman in particular, "Ms. Dolce", who stands out above the rest, and never misses an opportunity to brag about how she does yoga for two hours a day and only eats locally grown organic foods, and never, ever touches red meat. I am sure you know the type.

Is this the type?

Recently, while running from work to school I stopped off at McDonald's to grab a quick bite to eat, and guess who I saw chowing down on a Big Mac value meal? Yup! Ms. Dolce herself! The opportunity to get even was simply too good to be true, so I grabbed my phone and took a picture of her and sent it to all of my friends, never thinking it would get back to her. Well, it did and now she is livid and saying all sorts of nasty things about me, how I cannot be trusted, and that I am a bad person and probably a bad mother, too, since I am setting a horrible example for my children.

Ms. Dolce has a lot of friends, and they have all taken her side and are asking me how I could do something so cruel. Tazi, I caught Ms. Dolce in an enormous lie, so I exposed her, and I am the one who is being treated like a criminal! A few of the other Moms have suggested that I apologize to Ms. Dolce so we can all move past this, but I don't think an apology is necessary - SHE is the liar, not me! My boys have been hearing things from their friends about how I was mean to Ms. Dolce, which has me even more upset than ever. What kind of person would drag young children into this?

I know that Ms. Dolce and her crew read your column, because they talk about it while waiting for the kids to get out of school. Could you please tell them all to grow up and start acting their age and not the size 7 shoe size that they all claim to wear?

Signed,
Real Woman, Real Mom

Dear Real Woman, Real Mom:

It is obvious you do not like the fact that Ms. Dolce and her friends compete for the Best Dressed Mom award. Is this because it makes you feel insecure about your own looks? Jealous that they do not work full-time? Angry that they are pushing women's liberation back about sixty years? Whatever your reasoning, you need to build a bridge and get over it!

While I will acknowledge that it was very wrong for Ms. Dolce to lie, it was also wrong of you to violate her privacy by taking a picture of her while she was eating. It appears that in the desire to impress others Ms. Dolce's mouth got ahead of her brain. You caught her in a weak moment; there was no need to exploit it to your own gain. This whole situation reminds me of a scene from Will and Grace!

In  my opinion, you do owe Ms. Dolce an apology for your gross lack of judgment. Just because the Empress has no clothes is no reason to take pictures and send them to everyone you know. Ms. Dolce, in turn, needs to stop bragging about how she "never" indulges in healthy habits since it is obvious that she has on at least one occasion.

As for the accusations that are flying around:

1) Children have an uncanny ability to hear things that they should not. I believe it is more likely that your sons' friends overheard their Moms talking and brought the news to school than the likelihood that their mothers dragged them into this whole sordid affair.

2) Ms. Dolce's comments that you cannot be trusted appear to hold some weight, based upon your actions, and she is entitled to her opinion as to whether or not you are a bad person. However, she owes you an apology for making such nasty comments about your ability to mother your children. Differences between adults should never be dragged down to the level of children - and I mean that in more ways than one.

The time is long past for everyone to shake hands and make-up. You may never be bosom buddies with these other women, but your children are friends with their children. In the words of one of my Mommie's closest friends, "You need to suck it up, Buttercup!"

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Girl Hopes To Ensnare Boyfriend With An "Accidental" Pregnancy

Dear Tazi:

I am a junior in high school and my boyfriend is a senior. We have been dating for almost a year and I love him very, very much. He will graduate in June, and is planning on going to college. His first choice is Notre Dame, and judging from his grades, activities, and recommendations it looks like he is going to get in. We live on the West Coast, so Notre Dame is a few thousand miles away. “Bobby” has said that we could remain a couple and have a long-distance relationship for a year, and then I can either join him at another school in Indiana (I don’t have the grades for Notre Dame) or that we can continue to try working things out long-distance. I don’t like the sound of this, and neither do any of my friends. They all think that Bobby will probably break up with me or cheat on me after he moves away.

I am thinking of “accidentally” getting pregnant so Bobby won’t leave. If he and I have a baby, I just know that he will stick around, and maybe even ask me to marry him after we are both done with school. I haven’t told anyone about my plan, because I am afraid that someone might tell Bobby that my pregnancy wasn’t so accidental and he will be angry with me. I have gone over every angle of my plan, and cannot find any flaws in it, except that Bobby and I have not had sex yet because I wanted to wait until we were together for at least a year and that anniversary will soon be here. I cannot imagine he will say no when I offer him my virginity.

My one concern with my plan will be how to juggle my senior year of high school and a newborn baby. School is tough enough as it is without having to take care of a baby on top of it, but if I don’t go through with my plan I might lose Bobby altogether. I thought of waiting until the summer to get pregnant, so I won’t deliver until the end of the school year, but by that point Bobby will have committed to going to Notre Dame and would be out a large deposit that could otherwise go towards expenses for the baby. I guess it is like they say, there is no perfect time to have a baby. When do you think I should plan my pregnancy for, Tazi?

Signed,

Hopefully Expecting Soon

Dear Hopefully Expecting Soon:

I think the best time for you to get pregnant will be after you have finished high school, landed a job that pays well enough to support yourself and a baby, and can be honest with your boyfriend about your intentions. Until then, no…just no. You may think that you have looked ahead by attempting to plan when to get pregnant, but you have not looked ahead long enough; try looking 18 – 22 years into the future, because this is how long it will take for you to raise a properly educated, morally responsible, contributing member of society. Are you willing to try and go to school and raise a child - quite possibly on your own - during this time? If not, are you willing to put college or vocational training on hold for that long? Is Bobby?

Your decision to wait to have sex has been a mature one, up until now. You fear that your boyfriend may leave you over the stress of carrying on a long-distance relationship is a valid one, and I am sure that he has the same fear – that you will leave him for another guy. Having his baby may ensure that he stays with you on the West coast – and gives up his dream of attending the University of Notre Dame and the bright future that goes along with it – however, nothing in life is guaranteed.

When you are ready to enter into a sexual relationship, you should also be ready to embrace any consequences that may result from it. I do not only mean pregnancy and STD’s, but the oft overlooked emotional changes that occur. These changes are different for everyone, and can run the gamut from clinginess to regret. You already strike me as clingy to a fault with your plan to deceive your boyfriend; will you lie to him and tell him you are on birth control if he suggests that he uses a condom? Take a pin to his stash if he insists on using one anyway?

Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves,
"What would Touchdown Jesus do?"

I suggest that rather than talking to your friends you talk to your boyfriend, and tell him plainly that you fear losing him if your relationship goes long distance. Some couples are able to survive the stress of a long-distance romance; these people generally have a few major traits in common: they have lives independent of their partners, and they trust their partners not to cheat. Many couples are unable to handle a long-distance relationship because they drift apart when their partner is not a part of their day to day life.

You and Bobby are both very young, and have a lot of growing up and exploring to do before you settle down and have children. You do not know what the future holds, or even if you will be spending it together. Please rethink your plan to become a single, teenage mother. Any guidance counselor can tell you that being 16 and Pregnant is not as cool as it looks on TV; I suggest that you talk with yours ASAP.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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Guest Writer: A New Family For Foster Child; Some Advice For An Adoptive Mom

Dear Readers:

Yesterday, I received a wonderful letter in response from someone who had been hoping for a follow-up from the young boy in foster care who wrote to me last December. (Yesterday's letter was from the boy's overjoyed adoptive mother, whose adoption of the child is now official).

Today, I hand the reigns to "A Friend From the System" who shares her story, and some advice for the new mother. It is moments like this that make what I do so rewarding, and I thank all who make them happen!

--T.K.

Dear Jamal's Mom,

Congratulations to you, Jamal and the rest of your family. Thank you so much for giving Tazi, and me, an update; I was wondering how things went. I am very pleased to hear that my response to Jamal’s letter gave him the encouragement that he needed to speak to the judge and tell him what he truly wanted. I am sure that the judge listened to him intently. Now, it is time for me to add to Tazi’s advice to you as Jamal’s A-Mom.

The court system will (unless things have changed over the years) seal the adoption records and make it very hard for Jamal’s mother to come looking for him. As for telling Jamal what really happened to his B-Mom that is something only you can tell if Jamal is ready to hear. However, not knowing can have an effect on him. My B-Mom passed away when I was 6 years old. While I was in the foster home (no, I was not adopted by them, but by another family) I was always told that my B-Mother died in a car accident; I am sure Tazi’s mom remembers me talking about that. That was the story that was passed to my A-Mom as well. I, for years, remembered things a bit differently. I remembered trying to wake her up off the couch, and she would not wake up. That made me very curious as I grew up. My A-mother could not tell me anything differently, as that is what she was told too. So, I grew up believing that. As I got older, and became pregnant with my first child, I found I had a real need for medical information that I could not get. (THIS is what Jamal will truly need as he gets older.) I recommend that if you access to any of this, you save it for Jamal, it will be easier for him and his family (when he gets older) to fill out medical forms. Not knowing where I came from put me into a depression.

As I turned 18, I attempted to locate by B-father. I was unlucky for many years due to the fact that Rhode Island sealed my birth records and the state of Massachusetts altered my birth certificate [Ed. Note: The letter writer is from Southern New England]. For the last 12 years (I am now 42), I have been doing genealogy of my birth family, with the help of my A-mother, who does this professionally. Back when we first started the genealogical search, we contacted the state of Rhode Island for a copy of my B-Mom’s death certificate. As it turns out, I was correct and she did not die in a car accident, but rather a drug overdose. About 4 years ago, I found that my B-father died in 1992 in California, alone and in a nursing home.

I have also found a biological uncle through my search; we still talk to this day and have actually met. I found out that He had tried to come looking for me, but was not successful as the adoption had been sealed. I am telling you all of this, so that you can see how difficult it is to locate someone after an adoption. If Jamal so chooses, when he is old enough, there are registries he can sign up on, I know, I did when I was looking for my B-father. One of the many ones out there is http://registry.adoption.com/.

My B-Mom had a friend that adopted her granddaughter due to circumstances similar to Jamal’s. She was told that her B-Mom had died. As a teenager, her mother actually DID die, and her grandmother, now mother, told her this and she became very confused and unhappy. As you can see, it is important for Jamal to know “where he came from”, but you, as his mother, need to determine when it is best for him to hear the ugly details.

Sincerely,
A Friend From The System


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Person Who Lied About Whereabouts On 9/11 Is Now Getting Burned By Pants On Fire

Dear Readers;

I received this letter about a month ago, and ignored it because I thought it was a fake letter. I am not certain of the writer's identity; but apparently, s/he is not the only one who has taken creative license with their whereabouts on 9/11. I am printing this letter for its relevance, and because it shows honest remorse. --T.K.

Dear Tazi:

I have told a lie that is beyond shameful, and I don't know how to worm my way out of it. On the anniversary of 9/11, I got caught up in the moment and wanted to share in the intense feelings of those who had experienced it first hand; so I lied about my whereabouts on that fateful day.

I used to live in the Tri-State area, so I was pretty close to the front lines when those planes crashed into the Twin Towers, but I was not there as I told people I was. I had taken a personal day from work because I was tired after staying up past midnight to watch the Giants-Broncos game on Monday Night Football. Fast forward ten years, and I have since moved away; to a different area of the country where nobody knows me, and I feel like an outsider. I just wanted to feel like someone with something special to offer; so I told people that I escaped from the Twin Towers that day.

Of course, everyone now looks at me like a local celebrity, and they all have questions of what it was like. Like a fool, I answered them; spinning tales of the destruction as I saw it occur on television and as I pictured it must have been like on the inside. With each retelling, the details get more and more graphic - I feel like I actually was there that day, as I should have been. My popularity has soared, but my conscience is dragging me back down to earth. How do I come clean about my lie[s]? Is it even possible at this point? A part of me wishes I could pick up and move far, far away and start over with an honest, clean slate; but that is not possible at this time. What should I do, little cat?

Signed,
Not A Survivor

Dear Not a Survivor:

When I first read your letter, I thought that it had to be a joke. I never thought someone would have the chutzpah to lie about such a sacred and tragic event, until I saw a news article about another who also lied about being in the Twin Towers that day (at least I hope it's another, or I just outed you in a column with a world-wide readership!). If you would like, you can use this opportunity to come clean before your story is discovered to be false, too.

Will it be easy to tell people that you lied? No. Will you be harshly judged? No harsher than you are already judging yourself. Will it take courage to step forward and share the truth with those to whom you have woven your lies? Absolutely. However, telling the truth is the right thing to do - it may bring shame to you; but in the end, it may also restore your honor.

If you feel that you simply cannot come forward with the truth, than at least stop spreading lies! If people ask about your experiences on 9/11, simply tell them that you have said all that you have to say on the matter - and then follow through by keeping your mouth shut, so no more lies can fly out of it!

-- Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.