Superficial Reasons For Break-Ups Could Point To A Deeper Issue

Dear Tazi:

I am good friends with a man that reminds me of the character that Jerry Seinfeld played on his show, Seinfeld. "Arthur" is the pickiest man I know when it comes to women! He has broken up with some very nice women over the nitpickiest details. Examples? One woman refused to grow her hair long again after cutting it short; another wore the wrong brand of sneakers; a third put on five pounds after breaking her leg and being unable to exercise; and he left yet another because he found out she wore push-up bras and that her cleavage was "not natural". His latest break-up was with a good friend of mine (I warned her not to date him).  The reason Arthur left her was because she liked to watch football on Sunday afternoons and he is not a football fan.

After every break-up, Arthur comes to me and complains about how he cannot find a good woman; how they all seem nice at first, but once he gets to know then he discovers some fatal flaw and he has to end the "relationship".  Tazi, I put that word in quotes because Arthur's relationships rarely make it past the one month mark!

After his latest break-up (from my friend) Arthur asked me if I had any other friends that I might set him up with; he tells me that he is looking for a serious relationship, and since I know him so well I should be able to find a woman who is perfect for him. I told him I would think about it, but Tazi what I would really like to do is tell Arthur the truth: that he is far too picky, that he is rejecting women over superficial things that have nothing to do with who they are as a woman, and that he has idiosyncrasies that would make him break-up with himself if he were a woman he was dating! The only reason that I haven't said anything so far is because Arthur is a sensitive guy, and I know his feelings would be hurt. Do you think critiquing his behavior would be helpful? Or should I just continue to beg off every time he asks me if I have found a girl for him yet?

Signed,
"Elaine II"

Dear "Elaine II":

There is a difference between criticizing and critiquing. The first is hurtful and serves no purpose other than to speak your mind; the second offers beneficial advice on how to improve the situation. If you can find a way to constructively criticize Arthur's dating criteria, I say go ahead and have that sit-down talk with him. I suggest you start by asking him how he would feel if a woman left him for any of the reasons he has left women. It could be that there is something in Arthur's past - a bad break-up over something superficial - that has Arthur running from the very thing he seeks: a serious relationship.

Since Arthur's last break-up was with a friend of yours, I suggest you not try to set him up with any other friends lest you end up in an argument with the friend who has already dated him. This is not an excuse, but a reason to beg-off Arthur's requests. Any reasonable man should be understanding of this reasoning; if Arthur refuses to accept your situation as it is and continues to put pressure on you, I suggest that you limit your contact with him - unless you want to join the list of women he has left for superficial reasons. One does not have to be a romantic partner to get dumped.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Things Aren't Always Written In The Stars

Dear Tazi:

For the last four months I have been seeing a man who is a big believer in astrology, which I am not. Before I met "Leo" I did not even know what my sign was, which is actually how we met. He used that lame pick-up line on me, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"; which I thought he was using ironically and was charmed by it. It turns out, he was using it seriously, and I am not certain what to think! Neither of us is a child, Tazi - we are both well into our thirties.

At first, I found Leo's comments on my personality and habits quirky. He would say I do certain things or react a certain way because of my astrological sign. This habit soon got annoying and has reached a point where I can barely tolerate it. In every other aspect, our relationship is great; but is has only been a few months. I am concerned that when we go through a rough patch he will start blaming our problems and problem behaviors on our astrological backgrounds, instead of actually working through our issues. This issue is the one thing that is holding me back from committing myself to Leo. When I try to discuss the matter with him, he digs deeper by saying it is in my sign's nature to worry about bridges we may never have to cross. I am on the fence about which way to go with Leo, and would like an outside opinion. What do you think, Tazi?

Sincerely,
Ready To "Sign" Out

Dear Ready To "Sign" Out:

Astrology is one of those things that some people look to for fun and others look to for guidance of their every move. Just the other day, my horoscope (I am a Cancer) told me that "loud noises can't hurt" me. I was shocked because I am quite skittish, and any loud noise sends me running for cover, including the sound if Mommie emptying the utensils from the dishwasher that morning! However, my horoscope has yet to tell me that a full-day nap is in order; so I tend not to follow the advice it gives me. I am still not completely convinced that loud noises won't hurt me, either...

If after four months of dating you are still uncertain about whether or not you wish to commit to Leo I would not hold out much hope for this relationship. The fact that Leo seems consumed by astrology and that you pay no mind to it puts the two of you at opposite extremes, so I can see why Leo's beliefs would get on your nerves as he tries to sell you on them. The same can occur when a couple does not share the same religious beliefs and/or fervor.

I would say to just ignore Leo's badgering if it were not for the fact that he used his astrological beliefs to brush off a valid concern of yours. This reaction is rather telling, and could very well be a sign of a different kind, with regard to Leo's personality. Expect him to continue to refer to his beliefs in astrology, regardless of the topic at hand; and get used to having your world turned upside down during Mercury-retrograde, which is something most Astrologers take very seriously as they believe it causes havoc in daily life.

Knowing that Leo's beliefs in astrology are unlikely to change and are most likely to control various aspects of your relationship, do you think you could learn to accept Leo's views as equally valid as your own? If that question made you burst into laughter, then you know the answer to your question. If, on the other hand, your first response was to give serious consideration to the question at hand, there is hope for a relationship between you and Leo if you are both willing to accept the beliefs of the other. Just as important as you understanding Leo's beliefs is his understanding and acceptance of your lack of belief in astrology. Once you have answers to these questions, you should feel more comfortable committing to Leo...or walking away from him. The choice is yours, regardless of what your horoscope advises.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Smell Of Cigarette Is The Smoking Gun that Shot-Down This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

When I met my girlfriend six months ago, I knew she was a smoker. I do not date smokers, and told her so when she asked for my phone number (we met at a party). She told me she was working on quitting, so I took a chance on her. After three months I thought she had quit and was very proud of her. I have been nothing but encouraging in her efforts to quit, and I thought she had successfully managed to quit. Admittedly, she never actually said that she had managed to quit, but it appeared that she had.

Last night, I stopped by "Angel's" house after work and smelled cigarette smoke. I was so disgusted that I walked right back out and went home. Angel called to ask what was my problem, so I told her: I felt like she had lied to me about quitting, since it was obvious to me that she had been smoking. Angel told me that she had a very difficult day at work and broke down and had a cigarette, as she sometimes still does when she is stressed. Obviously, if she immediately turns to cigarettes to help her cope with stress she hasn't truly quit.

I let Angel know how disappointed in her I am, and that I need some time to think about the future of our relationship. Angel feels that I am being unreasonable and controlling, and told me that if I cannot accept her weaknesses along with her strengths than I shouldn't bother thinking things through because our relationship is over. I feel like I should be the one making the decision whether or not to end things - after all, I was the one who was wronged by her behavior. I called her this morning to tell her this, but she hung up on me before I was even done speaking my piece.

Tazi, I feel like Angel owes me an apology - for her dishonesty about not completely quitting smoking and for her rudeness on the phone this morning. I know that she reads your column every day, which is why I am writing to you. I know that if she sees my letter she will see just how hurtful her behavior has been, and that she offer me the apology I feel I deserve. I am still not certain I want to give this relationship a second chance; but I think I deserve the option to at least consider it.

Signed,
Smoke-Free

Dear Smoke Free:

It would appear that you are also girlfriend-free if you have not spoken to Angel by the time this letter is printed.

Your attitude strikes me as very demanding - not only of me, but of Angel as well. Quitting smoking can be extremely challenging for many people, so if Angel managed to quit, for the most part, in just a few months I give her a lot more credit than you are. In all fairness, Angel never said that she had successfully quit; just that she was "working on quitting" - it was you that assumed she had managed to kick her habit completely, and you who owe her an apology for being so judgmental.

Nobody is perfect, and you freely admit that Angel never said she had managed to completely quit smoking. Since you have not seen - or smelled - evidence that she has been smoking, I believe it is safe to assume that she has made great strides in her attempts to quit smoking, and that your faith was not misplaced. As for your belief that you should be the one making the decision about whether or not to end the relationship, I have to side with Angel on this matter: You are being controlling. No one party has the sole right to decide to continue or end a relationship with another person; the other person can make decisions, too. Sometimes the decision made is not to our liking, but something we must accept nonetheless.

I will stop short of agreeing that Angel owes you an apology for hanging up on you, in spite of the fact that I believe it was quite rude, because I feel that you are not telling me the whole story that led up to her prematurely ending the conversation. I will end by pointing out that Angel makes a second, very valid point. In order for a relationship to work, you must be willing to accept a person's weaknesses. As Marilyn Monroe put it, "If you can't handle me at my worst you sure don't deserve me at my best".

Snuggle (Just one!),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

After 12 Years Together, Is It Time To Fish Or Cut Bait?

Dear Tazi:

Valentine's Day is approaching and I would like my boyfriend of twelve years to propose to me, but I am starting to think that is never going to happen. Every time I mention the word "marriage" he changes the subject.

"Kyle" and I have been dating since we were 18; we are both now 30, and my biological clock is starting to tick a lot louder than it has in the past! Kyle has said he is okay with having kids before we are married, but I am not. I am stringent with my birth control, just to make sure this does not happen since it is obvious a pregnancy will not be the shotgun that gets Kyle to the alter.

Kyle and I do not live together, at my insistence. While I have my own apartment he still lives at home with his parents. He says that there is no point in moving out since they do not require him to pay rent. Subsequently, Kyle has a large amount of money saved - enough to put a sizable down payment on a nice house or, combined with my savings, to purchase a house with only a very small mortgage - less than $20,000. I have suggested this to Kyle, but he says owning a house together is "too complicated" and has suggested that there would be legal complications if we were to break up.

Tazi, I would like to marry Kyle but like I said I am seriously having doubts as to whether that is ever going to happen. Do you think I am just fooling myself into believing that I will have my happily ever after with Kyle? Should I just break up with him and move on with my life? All of my girlfriends from high school and college are now married with children and I feel like my life is passing me by as I wait for Kyle to catch up with me. Other times, I feel like Kyle is my life and that I should simply adjust my expectations to meet reality.

Signed,
Wanting More

Dear Wanting More:

You have been with Kyle since you were a teenager. As you have discovered, the past twelve years have been a time of education, career training and accomplishments, and personal growth - at least for you. It sounds to me like Kyle's personal development ended in high school.

While only you can decide if you want to stay with Kyle or leave him, I will offer you my opinion on the situation. If you choose to stay with Kyle, you will have to accept that what you have now is the best you will ever have. If a man (or a woman) chooses to remain single past the age of 30 there is little chance they will change their mind and choose to marry. Kyle has told you that he likes his life just the way it is; if you want to stay with him, you will need to adjust your dream to the reality he is offering. Can you do that?

If you decide that all Kyle has to offer you is heartbreak as you watch your dreams of marriage and motherhood slide into the abyss then you need to find the courage to kiss him goodbye ("Na Na, Hey Heys" optional). As painful as it is to leave any relationship, you may discover that once you are single there are other men more worthy of your time and affections. You may even feel a sense of relief, like the Band-Aid you have been afraid to rip off of a wound has finally been removed.

I suggest that you make a list of the pros and cons of your situation. What does Kyle bring to your life that another man cannot? If you can't find anything, then it is time to break things off with Kyle, give your heart time to heal, and set out on your search for a man who can - and will - offer you what you need. Should Kyle finally open his eyes and beg you to take him back you will want to let your head - not your heart - handle the situation.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Differing Musical Tastes Leads To Relationship Discord

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a guy for a few months, and I like him a lot...except for one odd quirk: He refuses to listen to any music recorded after 1988. "Shawn" is a big fan of music from the 1970's and '80's, and claims that the music recorded today is garbage. I have tried to keep an open mind and listen to some of the stuff he likes, but stuff like Led Zeppelin and Bread just don't work for me. I like music by girl singers like Beyoncé and Katy Perry - stuff Shawn will not ever consider allowing on in his presence. I am starting to wonder if this is a deal-breaker.

I like going dancing, and Shawn won't go with me because he doesn't like the music. I like listening to music in the car, but there is never anything we can agree upon so we ride in silence or to Shawn's music. I feel like I am missing out on things I enjoy in order to be with Shawn - which is something I also enjoy, but I am wondering if trading music for my man is worth it.

Signed,
Missing My Beats

Dear Missing My Beats:

Serious musicians understand the importance of bands from the 1970's and early 1980's; these are/were musicians that not only sang, but wrote their own music and lyrics; played their own instruments; and understood how to read music in the first place. The difficulty level of much of the music from this time - much of which contains multiple chord changes - is extraordinary. This is why the 1970's is considered the classical era of rock and roll - because the music itself represents a great deal of classical training and education. Much of today's popular music owes a debt to the singer-songwriters of the 1980's and '80's. Have you listened to Eminem's new release "So Far"? Those amazing guitar riffs are actually former Eagles' guitarist Joe Walsh's guitar riffs. Compare the two:

Eminem

Joe Walsh

Even the lyrics Eminem writes are a parody of the original Joe Walsh song. I hope this comparison helps you to understand Shawn's point of view. My concern for this relationship is Shawn's refusal to compromise. You say he "doesn't allow" music by Katy Perry, et al to be played in his presence. This intolerance of other musical tastes is in poor form, and crosses the line into controlling behavior. You need to ask yourself how long it will be before this control turns into abuse. Is there really no musical genre upon which the two of you can agree? Remember a compromise is only a compromise when both sides give something, and it appears that you are the only one giving in for the sake of harmony. Only you can decide whether you want to stay or go, but since you asked for my advice I will offer it: leave, and find someone who appreciates you for who you are, not in spite of who you are.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Disappointment In The Bedroom Can Be A Deal-Breaker

Dear Tazi:

I have always had a healthy and creative sex life. I am not completely uninhibited, but I am not a prude, either. My current boyfriend “Don” does not believe in creativity in the bedroom; missionary position is the only position he will use, and sex must take place in the bedroom, after dark, with the lights out. Toys and other accessories are not allowed.

Tazi, I love my boyfriend sexually I find him quite boring and I am feeling unfulfilled. I am not sure if I should end the relationship over this. My friends all tell me I would be a fool to leave a guy as wonderful as Don – and he is wonderful in so many ways, and would make a wonderful husband – but I just can’t get pas this problem.

I have tried to talk to Don about our sex life and my need for more, but he tells me that my (minimul) requests are out of the question and tells me that I am “kinky”. I do not think my erotic requests cross that line, and am frustrated that Don is not even willing to try something new. Am I being unreasonable, or do I have a legit concern?

Signed,

Adventurous Abby

Dear Adventurous Abby:

There is an old joke that asks “what is the difference between erotic and kinky?” The answer is simple: erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the entire chicken. While there is a wide range between the two, each person has their own sexual mores with which they are comfortable, and trying to push them outside their comfort zone will end in awkwardness and discomfort.

If you and Don have not yet sought couples counseling, you may want to do that if you are serious about staying together or even getting married. I do not believe that you are being unreasonable or making an issue out of nothing because this issue is important to you. In fact, sexual compatibility is important to many (if not all) couples, so you are not alone in your frustration.

You may have to accept the fact that Don will not change, even with gentle encouragement to try new things. If you are unable to convince him to consider your side of things and you are unable to live with things the way they are than I suggest you do the right thing – by Don and by yourself – and end the relationship. Unhappiness in the bedroom has a way of spilling over into other areas of life, ending the relationship on a sour note instead of allowing people to part as friends.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should Lack Of Intelligence Be A "Deal Breaker"?

Dear Tazi:

My "lady friend" is a wonderful woman.  She is kind, gentle, charming, sexy, a good cook...everything a man could ever want in a woman, with one exception: she is dumb as a stump. Sadly, the woman does not have the brains of an amoeba.  She makes Jillian from Family Guy look smart.

She's not the brightest Crayon in the box,
but her heart is in the right place!

I have been dating "Liesel" for the past six months, and everything is great - except for the fact that I cannot have an intelligent conversation with her; take her anyplace that would result in her interacting with my colleagues from work; or attend any kind of cultural event.  All of the above are things I enjoy doing.  Our dates have consisted of us going bowling, dancing at nightclubs, sporting events, and other activities that do not require the two of us to attempt a meaningful conversation.

Every January, I attend an annual fundraising event for a charity that is dear to both me and my family.  I have met many high power businessmen over the years through this event, and these connections have helped my career immensely. I have to RSVP to the event soon, and I am having a hard time trying to decide if I should buy two tickets or just one.

On the one hand, Liesel is a lovely woman, who would make an impressive date as long as she doesn't open her mouth; on the other hand, I am afraid that her complete lack of intelligence will reflect poorly upon my personal judgement. If I purchase only one ticket, Liesel will be upset that I did not ask her to go with me; she would probably break up with me over a snub like that, and to be honest with you I am not sure how I would feel about that. Tazi, do you think intelligence - or in Liesel's case, a lack of intelligence - should be a deal breaker in a relationship? I don't want to make a move I will later regret, but I am not certain that I will not regret staying with her.

Signed,

Mentally Fatigued

Dear Mentally Fatigued:

Your situation is not all that difficult. You either care about Liesel as an entire person, and respect her for who she is or you do not. It sounds to me that her lack of scholarly intelligence is an embarrassment to you and that because of this you are embarrassed to be seen with her. A woman as "wonderful" as you make Liesel out to be does not deserve this kind of treatment. You need to make a decision: to be proud to be seen and heard in public with Liesel or to break off the relationship.

After re-reading your letter, I am left with the impression that you like the idea of a woman like Liesel but that your interest in the real life version of her has not reached the levels you have hoped. You speak of a desire to live with out regret. This reflects a desire to be perfect, all the time. Nobody is perfect all the time, not even a cat. There are many traits that can be a "deal breaker" in a romantic relationship - some are shallow and superficial; others are not. Only you can decide if Liesel's complete lack of common sense and the ability to process even the most basic facts is something you can no longer tolerate, in spite of her many wonderful traits.

'Nuff said!

I would like to add that you remind me of a superstar quarterback who seeks all of the glory for himself, not the team. This quarterback can try to run the ball and risk getting sacked, or he can throw the ball - and with it the glory of scoring the winning touchdown; only one thing is for certain: If he doesn't make his move it will be decided for him. Your lady friend can make decisions, too you know; I suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with her before she makes one that you will not like.

Perfunctory Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reader Thinks Man-Child Might Be Proposing, Hopes She Is Wrong

Dear Tazi:

Christmas is coming and I have a feeling that my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him.  The problem is, I do not want to marry him.  I do not want to break up with him - I enjoy his company - but I do not feel compelled to get married because of some unwritten societal rule that states we must get married because we have been together for a couple of years now.

"Steven" is a great guy, but I do not think he would make a very good husband.  He still lives at home with his mother, who does everything for him, from cooking to laundry.  He is completely helpless around the house, and cannot handle even the smallest repairs.  He either cannot or will not cook for himself, preferring to ask me to cook for him or ordering take-out if his mother is not around to do it for him.  His mother sees no problem with her enabling Steven to remain a child; she says it is her job as a mother to care for her son, just as it would be my job as his wife if we were to get married.  Right!

On top of all this, Steven does not pay rent or board.  He has a good job, and spends his money on guy toys - his motorcycle, his sports car, his stereo system, video games, etc.  I am not certain if he even has a savings account because the few times I have tried to bring up financial responsibility he changed the subject.  Other than his inability to take on the responsibilities of adulthood, Steven is the perfect boyfriend.  We have similar interests, he always treats when we go out somewhere, and he lets me have my independence to pursue my own interests, separate from our mutual interests.

I am a financially independent woman with a good career, good friends, and a supportive family.  I would like to get married someday, which is what I tell Steven whenever he brings up the subject; I tell him that marriage is on my list of priorities, but it needs to be to the right man.  He would get upset, saying he would like to get married, and would like to think that he is the "right man", but I can not see him giving up his lifestyle in order to make the necessary financial and domestic sacrifices needed to live apart from his mother.  If Steven does ask me to marry him, do you think I would be leading him on if I said no, but that I would like to continue seeing him?

Signed,
Liking The Status Quo

Dear Liking The Status Quo:

I can see why you enjoy the status quo - you are dating a man-child who treats you like a princess; you have the emotional security that comes with being a part of a couple and the freedom to follow your own, separate interests.  Your boyfriend has no financial responsibilities to anyone but himself, leaving him free to spend that money on you and some really cool toys.  You would like a lifetime commitment to someone who treats you this way, so what's not to love?  Oh, that's right; his inability to shoulder his share of adult responsibilities.

If your boyfriend wants to ask you to marry him, this may mean that he feels ready to man up and be the kind of man worthy of the title "husband".  Perhaps he has decided that it is time to grow up (you do not mention how old you are) and that getting engaged - thus putting another woman before his mother - is his way of cutting the apron strings.

Obviously, Steven is not ready to get married; not if he thinks that life will be just like living with Mom, only with an added sexual aspect to the relationship.  However, this does not mean that the man is hopeless.  If he asks you to marry him, which you do not want to do, saying that you would like to stay together would be giving him hope for the future.  Could there be hope for a future between the two of you?  It appears that you would like to see a future Steven; just a new and improved version of him.

I would suggest to you that you give an explanation for your refusal to marry your boyfriend, should he ask.  Explain to him that you do not want to take the place of him mother, that you want an equal partner in life; then, I suggest you start acting like one yourself.  The next time Steven asks you to cook for him, offer to teach him how to make a few basic but nutritional dishes.  If he is open to this idea, try teaching him how to do his own laundry; see if his friends can teach him how to make minor household repairs, which is something you should know how to do, too!  Home repairs are not gender specific chores!

If, in time, if you start to see changes in Steven's behavior you may find that you feel differently towards marrying him.  If, however, you still cannot see yourself offering him the commitment he seeks, you must be fair to him and be honest about where you see your relationship going - as in nowhere further.  If he can accept this, I see no issues.  If not, I see a break-up in your future.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Break Up Or Not To Break Up? THAT Is The Question!

Dear Tazi,

I need your cat-wisdom. I know the human idea of only having one lover at a time seems impractical to your polyamorous feline ways, but it works for some people. I'm having problems with my girlfriend; I feel like I had given so much effort in the past (like above and beyond), not expecting that much in return, but at least hoping for some level of joy and passion I felt in the beginning.

For many of the holidays I've received gifts that reflected her interests more than mine. Mostly they were very thoughtful, but most I could have picked up from the store and given to any of my friends and they would have been appreciative. I'm not being superficial; I just want to know that my partner actually knows what I like outside of what we have in common.

She says I get upset a lot, and that's probably true. But before I bring up a complaint, I try to think about it to see if I'm overreacting, and then I ask her about it. But the issues never feel resolved. I get more questions and doubts.

I feel like a part-time boyfriend. I feel like I disappear when we're not immediately together or that I will never really know about her life outside of what we have together. It's not that I'm nosy; I'm just genuinely interested in her life. But she doesn't really think it's my business, per se.

I know I can be difficult; I'm jealous, over-sensitive, emotional, stubborn, sarcastic, blunt, etc. But I know I'm a great boyfriend; I'm adoring, not high-maintenance, capable of unconditional love, attentive to her needs, supportive, and I make plenty of room for her own space.

I'm receiving lots of outside advice saying I should think about if I'm happy, and if I'm not (which they say I don't appear to be happy or satisfied), that I should break up with her. They tell me I can do better, and that I'm an attractive guy and that there's someone else waiting. I get uneasy when they talk like this, like me even listening to the conversation is making me unfaithful.

I love her, and I'm willing to shell out even more effort for us, but I'm so scared things will never change for the better.

Please help me, Tazi!

Sincerely,
Scared & Confused

Dear Scared & Confused:

So many issues all at once! I can see why your outside advice givers are recommending a break-up, but I like to leave the drastic measures as a plan of last resort. From what I see in my mailbag, a lot of couples who break up end up getting back together and riding an emotional merry-go-round as they try to make things work. To me, this is like trying to repair a broken window: all the pieces may fit back together, but there are still visible cracks that remind you of what happened to cause the break; this can put further stress on an already fragile relationship. Since you and your girlfriend have not yet broken up, saving the relationship now will be easier to do than after a break-up; I will try to address your concerns in the order you have written them!

To start, gift giving can be a chore, even for someone who likes to shop. Sometimes, as well as humans know each other, they are scared to stray from the known path and get into a safe but boring gift-giving rut. Something I see humans doing a lot of is list making; you could make a list of “Awesome Stuff I Want (When I Can Afford Them)” and tack it to your refrigerator door or somewhere else your girlfriend will see it. Include different price points from inexpensive (pine scented candle so your bathroom does not smell bad); moderate (CK One cologne so you do not smell bad); to expensive (Beer Brewer’s weekend getaway at the Woodstock Station (NH) Inn and Brewery where it naturally smells of pine and CK One notes). If your lady friend sees something on the list that she likes you can be assured that it will show up at your next gift-receiving event! If nothing more, the list can be a conversation starter between you and her offering insight into your lesser known interests.

Second, on the issue of unresolved issues: If an issue feels unresolved that means it is – at least for you, and unless an issue is resolved for both members of the couple it remains an issue in the relationship. When discussing these unresolved issues, try bringing them up at an appropriate time – like when she is relaxing on the couch, not when she is screaming that the toilet is overflowing and the plunger is missing. Timing is essential. You could also try to use “I Language”, which will help you to frame the issue as something that has you feeling insecure and not as something your partner has done wrong.

Don't you hate when this happens?
You do not say how long you and your girlfriend have been together, but I read that “many of the holidays” have passed in the span of your relationship, so to not know about her life outside of what you have together is disconcerting. Have you expressed an interest in meeting her friends? Has she shown an interest in meeting yours? A sign that someone sees you as a long-term partner is the introduction to the members of their inner circle. (My Mommie was dating my “Uncle” for only a month when her best friend got married, so Mommie did not take him to the wedding although she now wishes she did). If you have met her friends and family, try to let go of your insecurities and ask yourself what exactly she is keeping from you. If she does not talk about work it could be because she likes to leave it at the office; if she does not like to talk about what she and her girlfriends discussed over coffee, be grateful! Trust me; you do not want to know!



If, however, she is closing you out of her life altogether this could be a signal that she is not ready to fully commit – like the woman who hides her engagement ring when an attractive man looks her way, she may be afraid that she is settling.

The personal qualities that you list as negatives – “jealous, over-sensitive, emotional, stubborn, sarcastic, blunt, etc” – are characteristics that many people love (especially sarcastic, blunt, and emotional). If this is a part of who you are, your lady friend should love you because of them, not in spite of them. The positive qualities you list are going to leave my mailbox full of requests for your contact information, which I am sure you already receive from people you meet in person, if you let these qualities show. In the end, you have to ask yourself, “Am I allowed to be myself in this relationship? Does my partner love me for who I am, or for who they think I am? Do they love me because of how I act or in spite of how I act?” Once you know the answers to these questions, the decision to work on your relationship or to let go will be easier to answer.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Too Many Dating Deal Breakers Makes Woman Wonder If That Is A Deal Breaker, Too

Dear Tazi-Kat:

About four months ago, I started dating a man who is great in many ways, but has a few idiosyncrasies that I am not sure are “deal breakers”. To start, the term “deal breakers” is actually his; and in fact, he has a list of them ranging from smoking to whether or not a woman wears nail polish (he does not like either).

Once a week “Irwin” attends his “Boys Night Out”, which consists of a drop-in at the local pub. Most of his male friends attend once a month, since they are too busy to attend every week, but Irwin insists on attending every week so he “doesn’t miss anyone”. During baseball and football seasons, Irwin “plays” in a fantasy league (complete with a giant trophy for the winner!) that also meets once a week, bringing his evenings out to two nights a week; sometimes three, when the seasons overlap. I’d have no problem with this if Irwin did not take issue with me spending one Saturday night a month with my girlfriends.

Irwin insists that “Saturday night is date night”, but he never takes me out on Saturday night because it interferes with his TV viewing. Saturday night is his night to catch up on all the shows he DVR’d during the week while he was out with his friends. He tells me he would prefer it if I were there with him, but I really don’t like the shows he watches - shows like Criminal Minds and SyFy type stuff. However, if I want to see him on the weekends this is usually my only option. He has also tried to get me to delete my Facebook account, but that is where I drew the line, since it is how I keep in touch with my social circle (as opposed to fantasy sports and bar nights).

Another thing I have noticed is that Irwin can be very generous while being very cheap. If we go out to dinner, he will insist on footing the entire bill, but then complain about the cost of the meal. He also refuses to pay for things he feel should be free, like valet parking (which is free, but he refuses to tip the valet) or parking in general. We recently missed the entire first period of the Bruins game because he insisted on driving around until we found free parking – in Boston! Just as with dinner, when I offered to pay for parking so we would not miss the game, he refused.

Irwin does have his good points – he is sweet and gentlemanly, and treats his mother well – all of which are things I look for in a man. He has made it clear that he will only get serious with a woman he considers marriage material, which is why he has not asked me for a commitment yet; but at the same time he has told me he could never get serious about a woman who “plays the field”. He is constantly contradicting himself like this, so why am I so hesitant to end this relationship, Tazi-Kat? I recently asked him what kind of woman is the kind of woman he considers marriage material, but he refused to answer me because he didn’t want me to try and “mold” myself into his “perfect woman”. A part of me wants to leave…but a part of me wants to rise to the challenge Irwin has placed before me. What to do, Tazi-Kat?

Sincerely,
Irwin’s Girl?

P.S. I have already changed Irwin’s name to an alias, but I doubt he will see this letter. He does not believe in surfing the Internet or the use of social networking sites, like Facebook (where I found your column), so feel free to be as honest as possible.

Dear Irwin’s Girl:

After reading through your letter a few times, it would appear that Irwin enjoys having complete emotional control over women, which is a form of abuse – and that, dear lady, should be a “deal breaker” for you!

While I can understand why Irwin might not want to date a woman who smokes, I am curious as to what his problem with nail polish is. As far as I know it has never been associated with cancer or other health concerns, the way second-hand smoke is. To make the wearing of nail polish a “deal breaker” sounds like Irwin wishes to control your physical appearance. As for his social schedule – Boys Night Out, fantasy sports, and TV night – that is for him to keep, just as your social schedule should be yours to keep. The fact that he tries to control your social schedule is also bothersome.

Irwin’s attitude towards money is especially telling. You say he will insist on paying for dinner, and then complain about the cost of it. It sounds as though he is trying to guilt you into staying in as opposed to going out by subjecting you to negative commentary about the cost. The refusal to allow you to pay for parking – and going so far as to miss a full third of a very expensive hockey game – has absolutely nothing to do with finances. Instead it shows a need for complete control over the situation at hand, and perhaps over you. Remember, you were in the (presumably moving) car with him, unable to leave in spite of your desire to park and get into the arena.

Irwin has not asked for a commitment from you, because he will only get serious with a woman he considers marriage material; discourages you from seeing other people by informing you that he could never get serious about a woman who plays the field; and refuses to let on where you stand by evading your questions about what kind of woman he considers “marriage material”. I can see why you might consider this a challenge issued, because this is how those who mentally abuse reel in their victims: starting by playing hard to get, then breaking them down emotionally and mentally; leaving the victim in question of his/her own habits and behaviors, in order to mold them into the person they want – someone who is completely subservient to them.

I would suggest you walk away from Irwin now, without making excuses about the holidays being so close – because after the holidays comes Valentine’s Day, and after that whatever other special occasions that can be used to guilt you into staying in this unhealthy relationship. Please write back to me in a few months to let me know how you are doing!

-- Tazi-Kat