Disappointment In The Bedroom Can Be A Deal-Breaker

Dear Tazi:

I have always had a healthy and creative sex life. I am not completely uninhibited, but I am not a prude, either. My current boyfriend “Don” does not believe in creativity in the bedroom; missionary position is the only position he will use, and sex must take place in the bedroom, after dark, with the lights out. Toys and other accessories are not allowed.

Tazi, I love my boyfriend sexually I find him quite boring and I am feeling unfulfilled. I am not sure if I should end the relationship over this. My friends all tell me I would be a fool to leave a guy as wonderful as Don – and he is wonderful in so many ways, and would make a wonderful husband – but I just can’t get pas this problem.

I have tried to talk to Don about our sex life and my need for more, but he tells me that my (minimul) requests are out of the question and tells me that I am “kinky”. I do not think my erotic requests cross that line, and am frustrated that Don is not even willing to try something new. Am I being unreasonable, or do I have a legit concern?

Signed,

Adventurous Abby

Dear Adventurous Abby:

There is an old joke that asks “what is the difference between erotic and kinky?” The answer is simple: erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the entire chicken. While there is a wide range between the two, each person has their own sexual mores with which they are comfortable, and trying to push them outside their comfort zone will end in awkwardness and discomfort.

If you and Don have not yet sought couples counseling, you may want to do that if you are serious about staying together or even getting married. I do not believe that you are being unreasonable or making an issue out of nothing because this issue is important to you. In fact, sexual compatibility is important to many (if not all) couples, so you are not alone in your frustration.

You may have to accept the fact that Don will not change, even with gentle encouragement to try new things. If you are unable to convince him to consider your side of things and you are unable to live with things the way they are than I suggest you do the right thing – by Don and by yourself – and end the relationship. Unhappiness in the bedroom has a way of spilling over into other areas of life, ending the relationship on a sour note instead of allowing people to part as friends.

Snuggles,

Tazi

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