Unplanned Pregnancy Puts Strain On Marriage

Dear Tazi:

I am a mother of two with a third on the way. While my pregnancy was not planned, I am overjoyed to be welcoming a new child. My husband is not so happy. In fact, he is downright hostile about the idea. We were hoping to buy a house in the near future, and now that we have a third child is feels that we will not be able to afford a mortgage on top of the cost of raising and educating another baby.

“Joel” has accused me of slipping up on my birth control on purpose and forcing him into having another baby. When he first found out I was expecting he suggested I have an abortion. His hostility towards my pregnancy and our impending child are stressing me, which is not good for me in my current condition. When I mentioned this to Joel he said it was a good thing because it might cause me to miscarry.

Tazi, I want my husband out of our home! I would move myself, but I do not want to abandon my children, nor do I want to uproot them from their home during a separation and possible divorce. Joel is refusing to move out, saying that he pays half the bills and therefore has the right to continue living here. Tazi, Joel does not pay half of the bills; he pays maybe a quarter of them. I make more than twice as much money than he does, so I would have no problem supporting my children, but we would have to make some lifestyle changes. For one, I would have to pull them out of private school and send them to the local public school. I have suggested this to begin with – this way we could easily afford three children and a house – but Joel is adamant that our children go to parochial school.

Tazi, I don’t want to make a snap decision that I will regret; but I don’t want to put my unborn baby at risk, either. Meanwhile, the living situation at home is reaching its breaking point. My five year old is so stressed he has started wetting the bed – something he has not done in over two years. I wanted to go to marital counseling, but Joel refused. Any thoughts on what my next step should be? I have a few in mind, but need a (confidential) sounding board.

Signed,

Expecting Trouble

Dear Expecting Trouble:

Your husband sounds like a hypocrite. He wants to send your children to parochial school, but suggests that you abort one of them. He is complaining that you are pregnant, yet did not take steps himself to ensure that a birth control failure would not result in pregnancy (a vasectomy would have done the trick!). Furthermore, he has an inflated ego that needs to be popped!

In life, a woman has a finite amount of time to have a healthy baby, while you can buy a house at any age. Once a woman reaches a certain age pregnancy poses a higher risk for health issues and birth defects, due to aging ovum (the chromosomes have a tendency to stick together, resulting in extra genetic information being passed on to the resulting child. Trisomy-21, Down’s syndrome, is one example).

I strongly suggest that you go to marital counseling alone, since your husband will not join you. Talking to a professional will help you to sort out your feelings and do what is best for both you and your children, including helping you to remember the good qualities your husband possesses and why you married him in the first place. Hopefully, once your new baby arrives your husband will be more on board with the idea of a third child. Sometimes, we resist the inevitable until we discover that it actually is inevitable; then, we embrace it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

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