Husband Wants Child, Wife Secretly On Birth Control

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for not quite 3 years, and my husband is pressuring me to have a baby. I would like to have a child, but it is not that simple. I am not ready to be a Mom yet. I do not like children, and I am afraid I will not like my own child. I would also like to go back to school to earn my graduate level degrees, and a baby would prevent me from doing that.

I have told my husband that I would like to have a baby "someday", but not right now. Unknown to him, I am still taking my birth control pills. I am in my early thirties and realize that my time to have a child is running short, but I still feel no pressure or anxiety about getting pregnant. In fact, the only anxiety I feel is a fear that my birth control will fail and I will end up pregnant. Obviously, I cannot talk to my husband about this.

Tazi, I am in a bind. When I got married, I never expected my husband to want to start a family so soon. He is the type of man who talks big but never follows through with any of his plans. I was hoping starting a family was one of those big plans that would never materialize. I think he is getting pressure from his mother, but when I ask him he tells me to leave her out of it; that he wants a child as much as she wants a grandchild.

I am fast losing my desire to be around my husband and have been spending a lot of my free-time with my friends to avoid the opportunity for any kind of intimate acts. The less time I spend with my husband the more I realize how little I miss him. My marriage does have its good points, Tazi. My husband is a good provider and we own a nice home. Financially I would lose a lot if I left, and would never be able to pursue my graduate studies. I am...

In A Bind

Dear In A Bind:

Your marriage is in a very bad spot! You and your husband have some serious communication problems that need to be addressed openly and honestly. It sounds to me that you do not want to have children - ever - and are trying to convince yourself that you really do in order to please your husband. Ask yourself this: how would you feel if tomorrow you discovered you were pregnant? Would you be happy or upset? It is understandable that you would be scared, but would you be excited through your fear or simply panicking that your life is now over? Now imagine that the pregnancy was a false alarm. Do you feel a sense of sadness or relief? A combination of the two? Your honest reaction to these questions will answer your question as to whether or not you want to me a Mom.

Not every woman is cut out to be a mother. You write that you do not like children and that you are afraid that you will not like your own. This is entirely possible; I suggest that you talk to a counselor about these feelings. It could be that the pressure being put upon you to bear a child is what is pushing you away from this decision. No woman wants to feel like her sole purpose is to incubate her husband's young, but it could be that your feelings are an early warning that parenthood is not for you.

You say that you cannot talk to your husband about all of this - including the fact that you are on birth control - but he is the one person you should be speaking to about your feelings, your hopes, and your fears. Marriage is a partnership, and I am afraid that you are not holding up your end of the deal by running away from the problems your marriage is facing. If you run too far, you may find that your husband has decided to take off, too - in the direction of the nearest divorce lawyer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

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