When Is It Time For A Stay-At-Home Mom To Return To Work?

Dear Tazi:

My Mom has been a stay-at-home Mom since before I was born. She quit her job when she found out she was pregnant with me in order to devote all of her time to being a Mom. I am now 17, an honor roll student, and a careful driver with a spotless first year driving record. I play sports or have study hall after school, so I usually do not get home until after 4:00 PM and I work a part-time job two evenings a week and on weekends. In summary, I am a responsible teenager who is not home during working hours (the school day starts at 7:30 in the morning).

My parents don't know that I know, but Dad has been pressuring Mom to find a paying job ever since I learned to drive. Mom argues that she needs to be home during the day in case I need her, and that she has a very busy schedule cooking and cleaning and sewing around the house and then volunteering at the church on occasion. Dad argues that nobody but her is home during the day, so how can the house get so dirty; that they eat out twice a week (the two nights I am not home for dinner because of work); and that if the church were to pay her for her work he would not mind her not looking for a regular job.

The fighting between my parents is really starting to upset me, because it is starting to take a toll on their relationship. I would like to tell my Mom that I am grateful for all that she has done for me, but that I am pretty capable of doing a lot for myself now. I can drive, I have a job and am responsible with my money, and I buy most of my own clothes - she hasn't sewn anything for me in years! I am also a pretty good cook, and would cook dinner a few nights a week if she would allow it, but she is a complete control freak in the kitchen.

Tazi, do you have any ideas on how to get my Mom to at least look for a job? Even a part-time one? I think it will go a long way towards helping to save my parents' marriage.

Signed,
Seventeen And Worried

Dear Seventeen And Worried:

While it is commendable that you want to help your parents through their marital spats, the only thing you should be worried about right now is keeping your grades up, finding a date for the prom, and investigating your post-high school opportunities. The issues between your parents may seem simple, but they go much deeper than they appear.

Your mother has not worked outside the home in almost 18 years. What kind of job do you suggest she seek? Her skills and education are probably badly in need of updating, and her resistance to look for work reflects this fact. She is probably scared that she will fail miserably or humiliate herself if she tries to re-enter the workforce after almost two decades out of it. Think about it: The last time your mother worked for a paycheck President Bill Clinton was the President of the U.S., the Internet just starting to go mainstream, grunge music was still all the rage, and boys still wore their pants several inches above their butts with their hats facing forward!

And sadly, people dressed like this!

If you want to help your parents, I suggest you show your letter and my response to them; you could even leave it laying on the dining room table if you don't want to give it to them personally. They each need to consider the other's point of view and reasoning; role-playing/role-reversal can be helpful in accomplishing this, as can the help of a qualified counselor or clergy-person. Since your mother is active with the church, your clergy may already be familiar with the situation; either way, it may do you good to talk to him or her in order to gain some perspective on the whole situation. As much as I hate to say it, this is not your problem to  solve.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I don't want to speculate, but in absence of other issues, a woman who quits her job as soon as she becomes pregnant may have been unhappy with said job in the first place! Just one more thing to consider.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

ALL Moms Are "Working Moms", Regardless Of Where They Spend Their Day

Dear Tazi:

Like you, I am a work-from-home professional. I have a very busy schedule, from the moment I start work around 8:30 AM until I clock out after 5:00 PM, Monday through Friday. It took me a long time to get my clients to accept my disciplined schedule, but they now respect the fact that I will not work overtime or weekends "just for them"; and they accept the reasonable time estimates that I give them for their projects.

I am also the mother of two elementary school aged twin boys, and the parents of their friends and classmates assume that because I am "home" during the day that I am available to chaperone field trips; or be the after-school host to all of my children's friends. One of my neighbors actually asked me to pick up her sick child from school (and watch him until her husband got home from work). Tazi-Kat, I have a very busy schedule and am not about to let people take advantage of me! I politely explain to people that I work from home, and am not a full-time homemaker. I do offer to chaperone the children's field trips at least once a quarter, and host play-dates once a week, and on weekends.

My problem is that this schedule-sharing is not enough for the President of the school PTA, "Sheila", who called me at home (during the work day) and left a scathing message on my answering machine, demanding that I pick up the phone because she "knew" that I was home. Apparently, the school was hosting a bake sale that I did not know about because my sons forgot to bring home the flyer that asked parents to bake something. I called Sheila the first chance I was able, and politely explained to her that I did not get the memo about baking, and she made some very rude comments to me about how I must "sit on my ass eating bon bons while other people have to go to work". After that comment, I politely ended the conversation.

I have heard through the grapevine that a lot of parents did not receive a flyer about a bake sale, and it turns out that only the children of women that Sheila considers to be "stay at home moms" received one! Now, I am curious if my sons honestly forgot to bring home the flyer or if they never received one to bring home. There is a PTA meeting coming up soon, and I would like to address this matter during the open forum part of the meeting, but I am not certain what to say. Any advice, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
A Working Mom (At Home During The Day)

Dear Working Mom:

You are in a bit of a quandary, aren't you? I assume your sons will say that they never received a flyer regardless of whether they did or not, so I will put that question into suspension and present the scenario as-is: If you go to the PTA meeting assuming that Sheila did not have a flyer sent home with your sons, it means that she is of the understanding that you work professionally from home; and that she owes you an apology for her rude, crude message. If you go into the meeting assuming that Sheila did send a flyer home with your sons, then Sheila needs to be corrected of the mistaken assumption that you are a "stay-at-home mom" in addition to apologizing to you for her rude and crude message. While I am on the subject of apologies, I would like to add that Sheila owes all "stay at home moms" an apology for not only assuming that they have the time in their schedules to sit around eating bon bons, but for also putting the responsibility of baking solely upon their collective shoulders!

I would find it hard to believe that you were the only woman Sheila singled out for such harsh treatment, so you will probably have supporters at the PTA meeting who will join you in discussing this matter during the open forum portion of the meeting - if the meeting gets that far before this issue is addressed. I am not certain that even Robert's Rules of Order will be able to keep things under control, so I would suggest you do your best to keep control of your temper, and lead by example. Please write back to let me know how this situation ends. I hope all turns out well.

Snuggles,
Tazi

"Upscale" Dining Choice Has Husband Upset

Dear Tazi:

Every Friday night my wife wants to go out to dinner.  She is a stay-at-home Mom to our two sons, and says that after a hard week at work she deserves a break.  Tazi, I work just as hard all week - if not harder than her - and I do not think that the money that I have earned should be spent going out to dinner when my wife is perfectly capable of cooking a delicious homemade meal.

I usually give in to her requests to keep the peace, but her requests are starting to get out of line.  We usually go to a family-friendly restaurant like McDonald's or Chick-fil-a, where the kids can play while we relax.  Now, she wants to start going to more upscale restaurants that offer what she thinks is a healthier menu - places like Waffle House or Friendly's!  I put my foot down and told her that when she makes the money she can decide how to spend it, and that from now on we would be eating at home on Friday nights until further notice.  That was two weeks ago, and every night since I have been coming home to a family that has already eaten without me.  I am lucky if there are leftovers to reheat, otherwise I have to make myself a peanut-butter sandwich.

Tazi, can you help me get my wife to see reason?  I work hard to provide for our family, and do not want to see our money spent so frivolously!

Signed,
Hard Working Man

Dear Hard Working Man:

I think your wife will see reason when you see reason.  Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom to two boys is not an easy job.  Have you ever tried to cook breakfast, prepare lunch, clean, do laundry, iron, keep the freshly cleaned house clean, chauffeur the children to their activities, and prepare a savory and nutritious dinner - all while keeping an eye on two young boys, to make sure they are staying out of trouble?  I am exhausted just reading what a stay-at-home-mom has to do to keep the world turning, and this list isn't even complete!  Do you still think your wife has an easier schedule than you?

A Friday night out to dinner is not an unreasonable request to make, especially at a reasonably priced restaurant like the Waffle House or Friendly's!  While I would not say that the food is inherently more nutritious at these places than at the fast-food chains, the atmosphere makes for a nice change of scenery.  If you are not comfortable with paying the extra few dollars for dinner every week (and this is understandable, if you are on a tight budget), I suggest that you and your wife compromise and trade off weeks between a relaxed and "more upscale" atmosphere.  Another suggestion is that you eat out every other week and try a restaurant like Applebee's or TGI Fridays, both of which have a children's menu.

I'm just not getting that "upscale" feel.  Are you?

You also need to remember that you and your wife are a couple - there is no "my" when you are married; what is yours is also your wife's.  She could be out working a full-time job, but she has put the needs of your children ahead of her own, and has trusted you to care for needs.  I believe that her cooking strike is her way of illustrating this point to you - you have refused to consider her needs, now she is refusing to consider yours.  I can see acting like this for a few days to get your point across, but a few weeks?  It sounds like your wife is overstating her point.  You may want to consider marriage counseling.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Mom Has Separation Anxiety

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother to a beautiful, healthy eighteen month old baby. He is my first child, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I would give my life to keep him safe, and that is no exaggeration. My problem is, I am dreading the idea of going back to work because it means leaving my precious baby in the care of strangers at a day-care all day. A baby needs his mother!

I have asked my husband about remaining a stay-at-home-mom until our son is old enough to attend pre-school, and then returning to work on a part-time basis until he starts school, when I would work mother's hours until he is old enough to be able to stay on his own. I realize this is an investment of several years of my life, but I am willing to do whatever I must to give my son the very best life possible. My husband, on the other hand...

Tazi, "Frank" has told me that I have to return to work as soon as possible, that i have stretched my maternity leave long enough and that we need my paycheck to survive. Tazi, Frank is a skilled worker who makes a much bigger paycheck than I do, and with the cost of day-care taking up 50% of my take-home pay the amount of money I bring in could easily be made up if Frank were to pick up an overtime shift once a week. Overtime is plentiful at his job, so it is not an issue of whether or not he can get it but of whether or not he will take it.

When I suggested this idea to Frank, he flat-out refused to commit to working overtime so I can stay at home with the baby. He said his job is stressful and tiring enough without having to take on an extra shift that would take him away from me and the baby for an extra 14 hours a week (Frank works 12 hour shifts, with an hour commute each way). Each of us thinks the other is being selfish. I am considering telling my employer that I have decided to be a stay-at-home-mom and let the chips fall where they may (since I think they may have already figured that out), but I don't think this will go over too well with my husband, who is already jealous of the time I get to spend with the baby while he is at work. Who do you think is right, Tazi - me or my husband?

Signed,
New Mommy

Dear New Mommy:

First let me congratulate you and your husband on the birth of your first child! Becoming a parent is a joyous, stressful, life-altering event as I am certain you are discovering! Having seen new moms and their babies before, I have witnessed the incredible bond between mother and child and can see why you would not want to leave your child in day-car to return to work - especially if you will essentially be working a 40 hour week for half the paycheck. However, I can also see your husband's side of the story.

You say that Frank is "jealous" of the time you get to spend with the baby while he is at work. If this is true, I can see why he would become resentful at the idea of working an additional 12-hour shift every week in order to make up for the loss in pay as you spend even more time with your child. I can tell you that this resentment would build exponentially if you were to force his hand by quitting your job, so I do not advise that you do this. Rather, I suggest that you and your husband sit down and discuss the issues that are on your mind.

You feel strongly about being a stay-at-home-mom, and have your reasons for feeling this way. Your husband has strong feelings about your returning to work, and his feelings are equally valid. You believe that a child needs his mother; which is something you can provide by staying at home. Your husband believes that your family needs both the extra paycheck and the presence of a father, something he can provide if you return to work. By suggesting that Frank take on an overtime shift every week, you reduce him to nothing more than a paycheck (in his eyes) which is very hurtful; by demanding that you return to work for (essentially) half-pay is equally hurtful to you. Additionally, the fact that you planned out the next several years of your life without asking for your husband's input had to hurt him. The two of you need to stop hurting each other, and the only way to do this is to openly communicate with each other.

A proven way to effectively communicate is role reversal. I suggest that you and your husband find a neutral time to discuss things between you - say, after the baby has gone to bed but before you two are both so tired you are irritable. You can play the role of Frank and Frank can play the role of you. This activity will force you to think as you believe the other is thinking and reveal these feelings to the other. You may be very surprised at what you discover. Once all the cards are on the table, you will be able to see a much clearer picture and can make a decision from there.

One possibility that you may not have explored is for you to work part-time - half-days five days a week; full days two-days a week; or some combination of the two. This will cut down on the day-care bill and allow you to spend more time with your child so you don't feel so resentful about going back to work. I realize the separation anxiety you are feeling must be overwhelming; but find comfort in the fact that babies are social creatures and enjoy being around other babies. If you find that this solution does not work for you, re-visit the issue with your husband and ask again about being a stay-at-home-mom for the nect year of your son's life, after which point he will be old enough for pre-school. After a steady diet of nap schedules, dirty diapers, endless laundry, and everything else that comes with being a stay-at-home-mom to an infant, I am surprised that you do not crave the company of adults and the intellectual stimulation of an outside job.

I wish both you and your husband the best of luck, and your little one the best of health! Remember, a happy home is the best gift you can give your child.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Work-From-Home Mom SHOCKED At What Other Mother Did!

Dear Tazi:

I am a full-time professional who happens to work from home. I am not a freelancer, but a telecommuter so I cannot make my own hours; I work within a set of parameters that allow for flexibility, but I still have to put in a full day of work and meet all of my deadlines – I must put in eight documented (although not necessarily consecutively worked) hours between the hours of 7 AM – 10 PM. This wonderful arrangement has allowed me to work full-time and be there for my children before and after school, and for my husband to work as a long-haul trucker during the week. So what is my problem?

Because I am home during the day, people assume that I can take time out to have coffee; go shopping; run errands for them; and generally be the after-school dumping ground for all of their children. While I have absolutely no issue with chaperoning field trips or a play date on a rotating schedule, running to the store for a friend who is ill, or even breaking for coffee with a friend I cannot maintain such a schedule on a daily basis; doing so would result in me working from 7 AM – 10 PM every day just to complete my requisite 8 hour days and to meet all of my deadlines.

I have brought this matter up at the monthly PTA meeting at school, and most of the Moms understand, but there are a few who feel that I am being a “princess”, claiming that their work day starts before 7 AM as they get the kids off to school and ends well after 10 PM as they try to get all of their house chores done. I finally snapped and told them that it is not my problem that their husbands refuse to help out around the house! This elicited a few laughs, a few cold stares, and few silent treatments – nothing I cannot handle. So long as they take it out on me and not my children, I am fine.

Long letter short (too late! Feel free to edit it!) one mother has taken it upon herself to have her child come over my house every day after school. The first few times it happened I thought my son had invited a friend home without asking, and I let it slide. The third time it happened I sat him down and told him that he cannot have his friend over to play every day; that Mommy has “Mommy things” that need to be done, and that he needs to ask me if it is okay to bring a friend home. I thought he was simply trying to avoid punishment when he told me that his friend’s Mom told her child to come over my house after school and play until she gets home from work. I lectured my son about lying and asked him if he would like to tell me the truth, but he insisted that he was telling the truth. I asked his friend about this, and his friend confirmed that this is what his mother had instructed.

Thinking that the children were playing a joke on me, I called the boy’s mother and asked if she knew that her son had been coming to my house after school all week; she replied yes, she knew, and that she had instructed him to do it since I was the one parent she knew would be home during the after school hours, and that I needed to learn to pull my load if I wanted our children to remain friends. Tazi, I was flabbergasted! I was actually flabbergasted!

This woman basically told me that unless I provide her with free after-school child care my son can no longer play with her son. My son loves playing with his friend, and as I have said I don’t mind chaperoning a play date on a rotating or even a reciprocal schedule, but this is ridiculous! I am not comfortable transporting another person’s child in my car, so I can forget about running errands with my child during after-school hours; nor am I comfortable leaving the children unattended while I work in my office (much of what I do involves translation and transcription, so I have headphones on the entire time). What in the world should I do????

Signed,

Flabbergasted

Dear Flabbergasted:

I, too, am flabbergasted at this woman’s nerve! My usual sangfroid has been pierced by her use of her child as a tool to blackmail you. A Paw slap of Disgust for her, and not the kinder, gentler paw slap – claws out on this one!

If your son is able to play with his friend at school – during recess, lunch, physical education – or at a mutual friend’s home, then you may have to curb their friendship to these events only, if having the boy over every day and providing free child-care is the only way to have him over your house.

One way around this evil woman’s demands is to sign your son up for some after-school activities – sports, arts and crafts, marital arts, whatever sparks his interest. Such activities usually meet one to two days a week, so signing him up for two activities will be plenty to fill his after-school time. Your son’s school or your local community center probably offers such opportunities at affordable prices. Once your son’s after-school time is booked, there is no reason for his friend to come over your house. Inform this friend’s mother of that fact, and let her know that she will need to find an alternate source of child-care on the days your son is not home.

If she continues to instruct your son to go to your house after school, call your local community police office (there should be a non-emergency number in the phone book) and explain that the woman has instructed her child to go to your house; your son is not home and you do not wish to take the child into your care for the afternoon; and that there is nobody home at his house. The law officer will take it from there. While this action is extreme, it will be what is necessary to make this woman take responsibility for her child and to stop taking advantage of you. I can guarantee you that once is all it will take to make her stop.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Public Humiliation Can Be The Result Of Gossip

Dear Tazi:

I am a working mother of two young boys. My husband owns his own small business, and I assist with the bookkeeping on top of my regular full-time job. In addition to all of this, I make a concerted effort to be a part of my son's lives and be there for them and their activities; to that end, I go to work early in the morning so I can leave early in the afternoon and be there to pick them up from school or be present at their after-school activities.

Most of the other Mom's that show up after school are stay-at-home-mothers; I have noticed that many of them are very competitive among each other, dressing up like they just spent the day with the Kennedy's and wearing a full face of designer makeup. Many of these women also have figures to kill for. There is one woman in particular, "Ms. Dolce", who stands out above the rest, and never misses an opportunity to brag about how she does yoga for two hours a day and only eats locally grown organic foods, and never, ever touches red meat. I am sure you know the type.

Is this the type?

Recently, while running from work to school I stopped off at McDonald's to grab a quick bite to eat, and guess who I saw chowing down on a Big Mac value meal? Yup! Ms. Dolce herself! The opportunity to get even was simply too good to be true, so I grabbed my phone and took a picture of her and sent it to all of my friends, never thinking it would get back to her. Well, it did and now she is livid and saying all sorts of nasty things about me, how I cannot be trusted, and that I am a bad person and probably a bad mother, too, since I am setting a horrible example for my children.

Ms. Dolce has a lot of friends, and they have all taken her side and are asking me how I could do something so cruel. Tazi, I caught Ms. Dolce in an enormous lie, so I exposed her, and I am the one who is being treated like a criminal! A few of the other Moms have suggested that I apologize to Ms. Dolce so we can all move past this, but I don't think an apology is necessary - SHE is the liar, not me! My boys have been hearing things from their friends about how I was mean to Ms. Dolce, which has me even more upset than ever. What kind of person would drag young children into this?

I know that Ms. Dolce and her crew read your column, because they talk about it while waiting for the kids to get out of school. Could you please tell them all to grow up and start acting their age and not the size 7 shoe size that they all claim to wear?

Signed,
Real Woman, Real Mom

Dear Real Woman, Real Mom:

It is obvious you do not like the fact that Ms. Dolce and her friends compete for the Best Dressed Mom award. Is this because it makes you feel insecure about your own looks? Jealous that they do not work full-time? Angry that they are pushing women's liberation back about sixty years? Whatever your reasoning, you need to build a bridge and get over it!

While I will acknowledge that it was very wrong for Ms. Dolce to lie, it was also wrong of you to violate her privacy by taking a picture of her while she was eating. It appears that in the desire to impress others Ms. Dolce's mouth got ahead of her brain. You caught her in a weak moment; there was no need to exploit it to your own gain. This whole situation reminds me of a scene from Will and Grace!

In  my opinion, you do owe Ms. Dolce an apology for your gross lack of judgment. Just because the Empress has no clothes is no reason to take pictures and send them to everyone you know. Ms. Dolce, in turn, needs to stop bragging about how she "never" indulges in healthy habits since it is obvious that she has on at least one occasion.

As for the accusations that are flying around:

1) Children have an uncanny ability to hear things that they should not. I believe it is more likely that your sons' friends overheard their Moms talking and brought the news to school than the likelihood that their mothers dragged them into this whole sordid affair.

2) Ms. Dolce's comments that you cannot be trusted appear to hold some weight, based upon your actions, and she is entitled to her opinion as to whether or not you are a bad person. However, she owes you an apology for making such nasty comments about your ability to mother your children. Differences between adults should never be dragged down to the level of children - and I mean that in more ways than one.

The time is long past for everyone to shake hands and make-up. You may never be bosom buddies with these other women, but your children are friends with their children. In the words of one of my Mommie's closest friends, "You need to suck it up, Buttercup!"

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.