Religious Misunderstandings Lead To A Host Of Problems In This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months, and my boyfriend of six months suggests that we get married.  I love him very much, and think I would like to marry him.  There is just one problem: He is Muslim and I am Catholic.  I did not think our difference in religion would be difficult to overcome.  I am a strict Catholic - no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll - and he is a strict Muslim.  While discussing marriage, I have discovered just how strict.

"Mohammad" would like me to convert to Islam before we marry, and expects me to follow all of the laws of Islam, including wearing a hijab [Islamic face veil], staying at home instead of working, and being obedient to his word.  I was quite taken aback by these requests and asked Mohammad how he would feel if I asked the same of him.  He replied that such a request is both culturally and religiously out of the question that "your Bible states that women should obey their husbands; your culture requires you to take your husband's last name, making you his subservient".  Tazi, I never thought about things this way!

I am now very confused about everything I have always believed!  Yes, the Bible says to obey my husband; but that is Old Testament stuff, written back when women were considered property.  Is there a more modern translation?  And as for changing my last name, that is tradition!  It does not mean I am subservient to my husband, does it?

I am 22 years old, and am no longer sure of my place in the world.  I love my boyfriend, but am no longer sure of how much.  I don't want to abandon my religion, but looking at what the Bible says, I feel like it does not respect me as a woman.  Do you have any answers for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Devoted, But No Longer Hopelessly

Dear Devoted But No Longer Hopelessly:

It is not a good idea to take anything religious or cultural at face value.  That is how you end up feeling confused and dispirited as you are now.  Mohammed is correct that the Bible tells women to "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22), but it also says - a few verses later - "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).  

What does this all mean?  Back when these verses were written, women were property of their husbands, and punishments for being disobedient were quite primitive.  The Biblical demand of wifely obedience was promoting a woman's best interests.  The sticking point is the second verse, ordering husbands to love their wives - to the point of ultimate respect, even to the point where they would give their lives for them.  This verse suggests that a husband should always put his wife's care above his own, and put her best interests above his own desires.  (For example, if the wife is not feeling well the husband is Biblically commanded not to demand sex with her).  Could you "obey" a man who would treat you in this manner?  Can Mohammad be this type of man?  Rather than question your religious beliefs, question your boyfriend.

As for the cultural practice of taking your husband's last name upon marriage, this did originate as a sign of ownership - but then so did the engagement/wedding ring, the printing of a bride's photo in the paper (announcing that she is off the market) and other traditions Americans consider sacred.  The continued practice of these cherished traditions does not mean that the original meaning still applies.

I, personally, find the Spanish tradition of a bride keeping her maiden name and adding "de + her husband's name" quite charming - the literal meaning being she is now of her husband's family, while still retaining her identity.  Here in America, women will follow this tradition by hyphenating their last name with their maiden name, and many families make allowances for differences in religion.  I have family members who are of mixed beliefs, and the traditions of both religions are honored (if not practiced) in their homes.  All of these points are things you can discuss with Mohammed as you try to figure out if you still have a future together.

For further counsel, I suggest you talk over your issues with a clergy member - a priest or a religious brother/sister - or a layperson who works as a spiritual adviser.  Most college campuses have some form of campus ministry, and its members are trained to work with young people.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Love Of Animals Does Not Lead To Hoarding Them

Dear Tazi:

I love my girlfriend and my girlfriend loves her cats. Actually, she loves all cats, which is what scares me. "Angela" has often commented that if she could afford it, she would adopt every cat in the shelter and take them home with her. She puts food out for the strays in the area and is on a first-name basis with the local Paws Watch, which comes by once a season to perform spaying and neutering services, but there always seem to be more cats every year.

Right now, Angela has two indoor cats, which I can handle, but I am afraid that time will change her into the crazy cat lady, and she will end up with fifty cats and a house full of cat hair. Angela talks about getting married, and I would like to ask her to marry me, but this one fear is what is holding me back. Being a cat (person?) what is your opinion on this situation?

Signed,
Allergic To Crazy

Dear Allergic to Crazy:

Not knowing Angela, I have to ask: does she dress her cats up like this?



If the answer is yes, I think you should run - as fast as you can - in the direction opposite Angela; but not before rescuing those poor, put-upon indoor kitties of hers!

The possibility of a cat lover becoming a crazy cat person has more to do with their overall mental health than their love of animals. In fact, the more a person loves animals the less likely they are to hoard them because they know that having too many animals under one roof is not fair to said pets. If Angela is psychologically well-adjusted, and not prone to hoarding, I do not think she will suddenly turn into an animal hoarder (or, as you put it, a "crazy cat lady"). This in turn begs the question: Are you sure that you are not just looking for excuses not to marry Angela, and posing them as genuine concerns?

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 1: Mother Doesn't Approve Of Remarriage After Divorce

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

My mother is driving me nuts and has crosses a line that I don't know can be uncrossed! I am a divorced man in my late 20's. I got married while still in high school (the Memorial Day weekend before graduation) and then went straight into the military and then shipped overseas shortly thereafter. I realize now that I should never have gotten married when I did and was doing it for all the wrong reasons. A lot of soldiers get cheated on by the woman they leave back home, but I was still surprised and hurt to find out that my wife had found herself a boyfriend. She tried to blame it all on me - saying if I hadn't joined the military I would never have been called away and she would never have cheated, forgetting that if I hadn't joined the military we would not have gotten married so young!

Anyway, all that is behind me now. I have been divorced for about eight years and have been dating a wonderful lady for two and a half years. I am much more mature than I was when I first got married - the military and war will do that to you - and my lady friend is just a peach. She, too, is divorced due to infidelity, but in her case it was her husband who cheated on her while she was working the night shift. She left him when he wouldn't give up his girlfriend (who he claimed was pregnant, but no baby was ever born. That's another story altogether and not mine to tell).

My mother does not want me to marry "Sally" because she is divorced. When I point out that I am divorced, too, Mama says that my case is "special"; that my wife cheated on me while I was "away being a hero for our country". When I point out that Sally's husband cheated, too, she says that's her point - that a satisfied husband will not cheat on his wife, and what kind of woman is willing to work third-shift when only undesirables and the disrespectful are out and about the town. Tazi, Sally is a nurse! She works at a hospital, saving lives! It's not like she is hanging out on a street corner looking to pick up men!

Mama has told me that she will not give our union her blessing, and my father just goes along with whatever Mama wants because he doesn't feel like having to deal with her. He has told me to just ignore Mama and do what I want - that she will come around, if only for the sake of appearances at first and then because of any grandchildren we might give her. Tazi, I want my mother to accept my wife and our marriage because she loves us, not because she wants to keep up appearances or is hoping for a grandchild. Truth be told, I am not too sure I would allow Mama to come around my children knowing she does not approve of my wife!

It's not that I am not a good decision maker - I am; it's just in the military most of the hard decisions were made by commanding officers and handed down to me to obey. Mama went and compared herself to my commanding officer and I just about lost it on her. At least when my commanding officers told me to do something I knew it was for the good of everyone, not just themselves. Did I forget that Mama has always hoped I would marry her best friend's daughter? Well, she has.

Signed,
Boots Off The Ground

Dear Boots Off the Ground:

Thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices you made - both overseas and in your personal life - to fulfill your commitment of service to our country. The price you paid was high, but you do not need to continue paying it. It is time you start living the life of a private citizen, and one of the advantages of being a private citizen is the right to exercise free will!

You did forget to mention that your Mama has a special interest in who you marry, one that goes beyond the whole mother-daughter-in-law relationship that forms upon marriage. With appearances being important to your Mama, I can only imagine the fantasies she has created that revolve around you marrying the girl next door. Try to understand that your Mama is suffering her own kind of loss that she will have to learn to deal with because you are not hers to control.

I suggest that you have a sit down talk with both of your parents present and call out the complaints and double-standards your mother is holding against Sally. Tell them both that you plan on asking Sally to marry you and that you are not asking their permission or for their blessing, that this is just a general for-your-information announcement. Soften your tone and tell them that you would appreciate it if they could accept Sally for the wonderful woman she is and work with you in the planning of your wedding; tell them that you want them to be a positive influence on your marriage, since they have handled their so well for so many years. Finally, tell your Mom that children don't always marry the one their parents hope for, but things work out in the end just the same! (Those words of wisdom are not mine; the father of a son spoke them to my Mommie many, many years ago when his boy, a dear friend of my Mommie and never anything more, married the love of his life!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Happy Sadie Hawkins Day!

Dear Readers:

Today is February 29th, commonly known as Leap Day or - in some circles - Sadie Hawkins Day! Many people think that the tradition of Sadie Hawkins Day started with American cartoonist Al Capp, but the truth is that the tradition of women asking me to marry them goes back several centuries. The first recorded celebration of what we now call Sadie Hawkins Day goes back to the 13th century - long before Sadie Hawkins' ugly mug graced the comics pages of American newspapers!

According to Irish-Catholic legend, St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick about having to wait so long for a man to ask for her hand in marriage. St. Patrick then gave permission for women to ask the man of their choice to marry them on February 29th (I suppose because it only came around once every four years, meaning the lady in question had probably been waiting some time!).

Old English Law held that February 29th was not a legal day, so citizens reasoned that tradition could be tossed out that day as well! As Leap Day existed to fix the problem of a broken calendar, it could also exist to fix the problem of unequal customs that favored men over women.

Whatever you choose to call this day - Leap Day, Sadie Hawkins Day, or St. Bridget's Day - celebrate in style! Ladies, approach that man you have been pining for (you don't need to propose marriage, just a date!); gentlemen, be aware that the woman who just asked you to join her for coffee may be interested in getting to know you better! As for me, I already have an aggressive female cat in my life; so just for today I will stop hiding under the deck when she comes looking for me! Just for today, though! Tomorrow, all will return to normal - including the AskTazi! entertainment that you have come to expect!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A New Year's Eve Proposal...

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My girlfriend loves your column! She reads it every day without fail, so I am hoping you will publish my letter! If you do, could you print it on New Year's Eve? Here is what I have to say:

Jillian, I love you!
Will you marry me?

Always and forever until the day I die,

Jeremy

Dear Jeremy:

I am a sucker for romance; and I am hoping Jillian is, too. Here is your letter; on New Year's Eve, as requested. Considering that you did not use last (or even middle) names, I hope that there is not another "Jillian and Jeremy" out there who use the same term of endearment as you - otherwise, things could get a little sticky for them!

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat