In-Law Week, Day 1: Mother Doesn't Approve Of Remarriage After Divorce

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

My mother is driving me nuts and has crosses a line that I don't know can be uncrossed! I am a divorced man in my late 20's. I got married while still in high school (the Memorial Day weekend before graduation) and then went straight into the military and then shipped overseas shortly thereafter. I realize now that I should never have gotten married when I did and was doing it for all the wrong reasons. A lot of soldiers get cheated on by the woman they leave back home, but I was still surprised and hurt to find out that my wife had found herself a boyfriend. She tried to blame it all on me - saying if I hadn't joined the military I would never have been called away and she would never have cheated, forgetting that if I hadn't joined the military we would not have gotten married so young!

Anyway, all that is behind me now. I have been divorced for about eight years and have been dating a wonderful lady for two and a half years. I am much more mature than I was when I first got married - the military and war will do that to you - and my lady friend is just a peach. She, too, is divorced due to infidelity, but in her case it was her husband who cheated on her while she was working the night shift. She left him when he wouldn't give up his girlfriend (who he claimed was pregnant, but no baby was ever born. That's another story altogether and not mine to tell).

My mother does not want me to marry "Sally" because she is divorced. When I point out that I am divorced, too, Mama says that my case is "special"; that my wife cheated on me while I was "away being a hero for our country". When I point out that Sally's husband cheated, too, she says that's her point - that a satisfied husband will not cheat on his wife, and what kind of woman is willing to work third-shift when only undesirables and the disrespectful are out and about the town. Tazi, Sally is a nurse! She works at a hospital, saving lives! It's not like she is hanging out on a street corner looking to pick up men!

Mama has told me that she will not give our union her blessing, and my father just goes along with whatever Mama wants because he doesn't feel like having to deal with her. He has told me to just ignore Mama and do what I want - that she will come around, if only for the sake of appearances at first and then because of any grandchildren we might give her. Tazi, I want my mother to accept my wife and our marriage because she loves us, not because she wants to keep up appearances or is hoping for a grandchild. Truth be told, I am not too sure I would allow Mama to come around my children knowing she does not approve of my wife!

It's not that I am not a good decision maker - I am; it's just in the military most of the hard decisions were made by commanding officers and handed down to me to obey. Mama went and compared herself to my commanding officer and I just about lost it on her. At least when my commanding officers told me to do something I knew it was for the good of everyone, not just themselves. Did I forget that Mama has always hoped I would marry her best friend's daughter? Well, she has.

Signed,
Boots Off The Ground

Dear Boots Off the Ground:

Thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices you made - both overseas and in your personal life - to fulfill your commitment of service to our country. The price you paid was high, but you do not need to continue paying it. It is time you start living the life of a private citizen, and one of the advantages of being a private citizen is the right to exercise free will!

You did forget to mention that your Mama has a special interest in who you marry, one that goes beyond the whole mother-daughter-in-law relationship that forms upon marriage. With appearances being important to your Mama, I can only imagine the fantasies she has created that revolve around you marrying the girl next door. Try to understand that your Mama is suffering her own kind of loss that she will have to learn to deal with because you are not hers to control.

I suggest that you have a sit down talk with both of your parents present and call out the complaints and double-standards your mother is holding against Sally. Tell them both that you plan on asking Sally to marry you and that you are not asking their permission or for their blessing, that this is just a general for-your-information announcement. Soften your tone and tell them that you would appreciate it if they could accept Sally for the wonderful woman she is and work with you in the planning of your wedding; tell them that you want them to be a positive influence on your marriage, since they have handled their so well for so many years. Finally, tell your Mom that children don't always marry the one their parents hope for, but things work out in the end just the same! (Those words of wisdom are not mine; the father of a son spoke them to my Mommie many, many years ago when his boy, a dear friend of my Mommie and never anything more, married the love of his life!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Expensive Sweater Ruined By Toddler - Who Is Responsible?

Dear Tazi:

I have never been fond of children and my cousin and her husband have just given me one more reason to dislike the little creatures. I have just returned from a Christmas dinner at our "Aunt Georgina's" house where my favorite cashmere sweater was ruined by my cousin's two and a half year old son.

Aunt Georgina is elderly, and like a lot of elderly people she keeps the heat on pretty high in her house. I was sweltering in my sweater, so I took it off and placed it over the back of my dinner chair. Aunt Georgina feared it would be ruined when she noticed "Adidas" stroking it repeatedly and sing-songing about how soft it was. She suggested that I put it in the bedroom with the coats, which I did.

After dinner, while sitting around the fire enjoying my family's company, we all noticed a nasty smell emanating from the other room. My brother commented that "it smells like someone needs a diaper change", implying that my cousin or her husband should go find Adidas and change him. My cousin then proclaimed that Adidas no longer wears diapers, that he is potty-training, and that he probably pooped on the floor since there was no potty chair available for his use. (Like our eighty year old aunt would have one?). I can only wish the little monster pooped on the floor!

As soon as my cousin went to investigate, I knew something was wrong. She called Aunt Georgina to the bedroom - where the coats were kept - and I overheard my aunt exclaim a stressed, "Oh dear!". I went into the bedroom and was immediately hit by a wall of the nastiest smell you could imagine! Then, I saw that Adidas had spread my cashmere sweater on the floor and laid a very loose stool out on the center of it! From the look of it, he then used the sleeves to wipe himself. Aunt Georgina saw the look on my face and pulled me into the kitchen where she held me tight while I overcame the urge to throttle the kid.

Tazi, if it was just a sweater it would be one thing, but this sweater was a gift from my late husband who was killed while serving overseas. I would write more, but I think you understand how much that sweater meant to me...and how it is irreplaceable to me. My cousin's husband then added insult to injury by coming into the kitchen and telling me that if I expected him to pay $200 to replace a sweater I was crazy! My cousin overheard him yelling at me and ran in to explain that it wasn't about the money; it's that it's Christmastime and providing for a young child was quite expensive. She then offered to replace my sweater with something of lesser value. Thankfully, Aunt Georgina shooed everyone out of the kitchen at that point just as I burst into tears.

Tazi, no sweater could ever replace the one my husband gave me, and it is not about the replacement value of the sweater. I am upset because my cousin's kid ruined something precious to me and neither parent wants to take responsibility for the "accident". My cousin even went so far to say that I should have put my sweater somewhere safe if I didn't want it ruined and that since Aunt Georgina told me to put it in the bedroom she should be responsible for replacing it! Aunt Georgina graciously offered to do just that, but she is on a limited income and I would not dream of putting such an expense on her.

Has parenting changed so much since I was a child that kids are no longer held responsible for their mistakes? My cousin tells me that if I were a parent I would understand that this was all just a silly accident and I would be more forgiving. While I am angry with Adidas, I am LIVID with his parents! Adidas should know better, but his parents definitely know better! It is for this reason alone that I am demanding that they buy me a replacement sweater. My cousin's husband has told me not to hold my breath waiting and my cousin has suggested - as a compromise - that Aunt Georgina file a claim under her homeowner's insurance, which has a very small deductible that they would be willing to cover. I just don't know what to think!

Signed,
In A Stinky Situation

Dear In A Stinky Situation:

I can see why all your Aunt Georgina could think to say was "oh dear" because I am thinking the same thing myself. Oh, dear. You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your precious present and on the loss of your husband, who was bravely serving his country at the time of his untimely death. It is obvious you are consumed by grief for the loss of what the sweater symbolized, and not the sweater itself. Is your cousin too boneheaded to see this or does she simply not know that the sweater was a gift from your late husband? You might want to make this point clear before trying to clear the air any further.

Your cousin's husband owes you a HUGE apology for the way he responded to the destruction of your property. His response was tacky and self-centered. Both your cousin and her husband need to own up to their responsibility in this mess - one of them should have been keeping an eye on Adidas and made sure that his potty needs were met, even if that simply meant lifting him up and placing him upon the full sized toilet and then holding him steady while he did his thing. That his parents have not taught him that the floor is not the proper place to go potty can be overlooked in an tightly-timed situation (such as when a child has diarrhea); that Adidas' parents are not instructing him as to the error of his actions is inexcusable. Even wild animals have an innate sense of where and where not to defecate. While it is easy for non-parents to offer parenting advice, there are some issues that just beg for correction. This is one of them. When you consider the fact that Adidas had to seek out your cashmere sweater, pull it to the floor, spread it out, center himself above it, and then use the sleeves to wipe his bottom this does not sound like an emergency situation. (For the record, I would like to add that I am impressed that Adidas was able to wipe his own butt! Credit where credit is due).

If your Aunt Georgina does not mind filing a claim against her homeowner's insurance - and the insurance company will pay the claim - than filing a claim, with your cousin covering the deductible, seems like a reasonable course of action. If the insurance company will not cover the claim, then your cousin must be held responsible for the entire cost. It is not like Aunt Georgina's cat barfed on the sweater; she could not have known that her grand-nephew would take a trot all over it of she placed it on the bed with the coats.

I realize a replacement sweater will not be the sweater that your husband gave you, but you need to remember that your husband and your marriage are not represented by a sweater; they are represented by the love you had for the gift he gave you. I also realize you must feel like you are losing your husband all over again, this time one small bit at a time instead of all at once. The grieving process is not something that continuously flows to a smooth end; it has its starts and stops, its lulls and its rapids to navigate. I can see from the tone of your letter that in the time it took to complete it you oscillate between anger and grief. A few appointments with a grief counselor who specializes in working with war widows may be of considerable help to you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Military Husband Worries Wife Is Keeping Warm In The Desert

Dear Tazi:

My wife is stationed overseas in Afghanistan, and I am living here stateside. We Skype as often as possible, and send email when we cannot talk over Skype or on the phone, so I am in communication with her every day or at least every other day. I know that my wife loves me and would never cheat on me, but I can't help feeling jealous and wondering if the men she works with are coming on to her, in spite of the fact that she tells me they are not. I mean, of course she is going to say that, right?

The stress of her absence, plus the stress of not knowing what is going on over there has put me in a foul mood and made me argumentative when we talk. I am afraid that while my bed is cold she is keeping warm - and not from the desert heat! She has told me that she needs to concentrate on her mission, not our marriage and my "unfounded worries", in order to increase her chances of returning safely home to our marriage and to make sure that the men and women in her charge have an equal opportunity to do the same. I am guessing this was her way of telling me to cut the [expletive deleted] and trust that she is being faithful to both me and her mission, but I am having a hard time accepting this. I know that I have been tempted on occasion (but have not strayed), so I know she must be, too, right?

Signed,
Army Husband

Dear Army Husband:

Wrong and wrong, to both of the questions you have asked me. Your wife is living and working in a war zone, not a singles bar. I can also infer that she holds rank, which means she is the officer in charge and is respected as such. From what I know about the military, it does not matter if an officer is a man or a woman; they are an officer, and to make a play for them would be insubordination and could result in disciplinary action. Trust your wife when she says that the men serving with her are not hitting on her, and give the soldiers with whom she serves a little more credit than you currently are. Many of them have wives and partners back home that they are missing just as much as you miss your wife.

Would you be dumb enough to disrespect this?
Photo: Brigadier Nicky Moffat, British Army

Furthermore, just because you have had the desire to stray does not mean your wife has been tempted in the same way. While you are safe and sound on U.S. soil and taking in the scenes at the bar, bowling alley, or wherever it was you were when "tempted" your wife is in a war zone! She does not have the time to take her mind off of her mission. Again, I suggest that you trust her...or are you looking for a reason to justify straying yourself?

As a military spouse, you are entitled to certain benefits, including mental health counseling. I suggest you try it to help you deal with your jealousy and insecurity and allow your wife to once again start looking forward to your Skype calls, phone calls, and emails. Your situation is a stressful one, and you have my sympathies, but please do not take your aggravations out on your wife. Right now she needs your support, not your grief.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.