Is It Racism Or Paranoia?

Dear Tazi:

I think my father might secretly be racist.  I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, and decided it was finally time to introduce him to my parents, who live two hours away from me.  Although emails and pictures have been sent over the past eleven months, my parents have never met “Elmont” in person.  Elmont is a light-skinned black man, so it can be difficult to tell his race from pictures.  Since his race has never mattered to me, I never thought to mention to my parents that he is black.

Over the Labor Day weekend, Elmont and I took a trip back to my home to visit with my parents and have a meet and greet with the family.  My mother was her usual cordial self but my father was not.  Dad is normally a very welcoming person; he has a big Irish personality and is the kind of person who likes everybody and everybody likes.  This is why I was very surprised to see him greet Elmont with a handshake instead of a big hug.  His excuse was that he was coming down with a cold and did not wish to spread it, but I thought he looked fine.

That evening, after dinner, Dad did not offer Elmont a drink as is his custom when he and Mom host guests.  When I pulled him aside to ask why, Dad blamed his non-existent cold.  Although the conversation was polite, Dad seemed detached; he claimed it was the cold medicine he was taking. 

The next morning was Sunday, and Elmont and I had planned on taking Mom and Dad out for brunch but Mom said that my father was not feeling very well, and that perhaps brunch could wait until the next day.  Tazi, we had a barbecue to attend the next day; we didn’t want to make it a full day of eating and socializing so Elmont and I went to brunch by ourselves.  Later, my father told me that he was hurt that we did not want to wait a day to have brunch with him and my mother! 

On Labor Day, Elmont and I attended a barbeque with family and friends and everyone was happy to meet him.  I thought once my father saw how everyone loved Elmont that he would warm up to my boyfriend, but he claimed that he was not feeling well and left the party early; by the time Elmont and I returned from the party it was late and we had to start back home because we were working the next day.

At first I thought I was just being paranoid about my father’s coolness towards Elmont, but he mentioned to me that he thought my father did not like him.  After I got home I called my Mom to let her know that we were home safe, and I asked her how my father was.  Mom told me that Dad was “resting in front of the TV” and that the weekend had really worn him out.  Tazi, he didn’t do anything!  I asked Mom to put Dad on the phone so I could talk to him, and once again he seemed fine – no hint of a cold!

This week, when I spoke to my parents in my weekly phone call, I broached the idea about Elmont and I coming home for Thanksgiving, but Mom told me that she and Dad had plans!  They will supposedly be taking a four-day cruise with my aunt and uncle.  When I mentioned that Auntie and Uncle made no mention of the cruise on Labor Day my mother responded that Labor Day was when the plans were first made; that it was a last minute thing.  I feel like my parents made these plans just to avoid spending Thanksgiving with Elmont!  When I told my mother this, she was hurt that I could think such a thing and defended my Dad, saying he really was feeling under the weather.

Tazi, do you think I am being paranoid and hypersensitive, like my Mom says I am?  Or could my father be a closet racist, like Elmont and I are thinking?  I have never seen my father act this way before, but I also grew up in an exclusive, all-white neighborhood so I have no standard of reference by which to judge.

Signed,

Biracial Blues

Dear Biracial Blues:

Late August and early September is high time for ragweed allergies to make their appearance, making those susceptible feel horrible by turning them into an itchy, watery-eyed, sneezing mess.  Allergy medications and cough and cold syrups can help alleviate these symptoms so as to appear like nothing is wrong, but the side effects include lethargy.  If your father is one of millions who suffer from allergies this could explain his aberrant behavior. 

Although it seems deliberate that your parents have planned to be away for the Thanksgiving holiday, it is probably just a coincidence.  You do not say if you have siblings still living at or near home, but you do mention that you live two hours away from your parents and have not been home to visit in several months.  Your parents probably decided to plan some “me” time for the holidays and Thanksgiving was the logical choice; it is America’s busiest travel time of the year. 

I sympathize with you and Elmont; I cannot imagine what you have been through in the past that would make you jump to such drastic conclusions but it must not have been pleasant.  I suggest that you make a second attempt with your parents and Elmont.  You say that your mother was pleasant and welcoming of him, so I suggest you give her the benefit of the doubt when she says that your father was not feeling well.  If your father truly was racist, he would not have welcomed Elmont into his home; rather, he would have used his cold as an excuse to send you both to a hotel and cancel all plans to spend time with the two of you.  The fact that he was hurt that you would not reschedule brunch lends credence to this view.  If a second visit with your parents does not alleviate your uneasiness I suggest that you have a frank discussion of your concerns with dear old Dad!  You may or may not like what he has to say, but at least you will know where things stand.  Sometimes, it is what it is.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Military Husband Worries Wife Is Keeping Warm In The Desert

Dear Tazi:

My wife is stationed overseas in Afghanistan, and I am living here stateside. We Skype as often as possible, and send email when we cannot talk over Skype or on the phone, so I am in communication with her every day or at least every other day. I know that my wife loves me and would never cheat on me, but I can't help feeling jealous and wondering if the men she works with are coming on to her, in spite of the fact that she tells me they are not. I mean, of course she is going to say that, right?

The stress of her absence, plus the stress of not knowing what is going on over there has put me in a foul mood and made me argumentative when we talk. I am afraid that while my bed is cold she is keeping warm - and not from the desert heat! She has told me that she needs to concentrate on her mission, not our marriage and my "unfounded worries", in order to increase her chances of returning safely home to our marriage and to make sure that the men and women in her charge have an equal opportunity to do the same. I am guessing this was her way of telling me to cut the [expletive deleted] and trust that she is being faithful to both me and her mission, but I am having a hard time accepting this. I know that I have been tempted on occasion (but have not strayed), so I know she must be, too, right?

Signed,
Army Husband

Dear Army Husband:

Wrong and wrong, to both of the questions you have asked me. Your wife is living and working in a war zone, not a singles bar. I can also infer that she holds rank, which means she is the officer in charge and is respected as such. From what I know about the military, it does not matter if an officer is a man or a woman; they are an officer, and to make a play for them would be insubordination and could result in disciplinary action. Trust your wife when she says that the men serving with her are not hitting on her, and give the soldiers with whom she serves a little more credit than you currently are. Many of them have wives and partners back home that they are missing just as much as you miss your wife.

Would you be dumb enough to disrespect this?
Photo: Brigadier Nicky Moffat, British Army

Furthermore, just because you have had the desire to stray does not mean your wife has been tempted in the same way. While you are safe and sound on U.S. soil and taking in the scenes at the bar, bowling alley, or wherever it was you were when "tempted" your wife is in a war zone! She does not have the time to take her mind off of her mission. Again, I suggest that you trust her...or are you looking for a reason to justify straying yourself?

As a military spouse, you are entitled to certain benefits, including mental health counseling. I suggest you try it to help you deal with your jealousy and insecurity and allow your wife to once again start looking forward to your Skype calls, phone calls, and emails. Your situation is a stressful one, and you have my sympathies, but please do not take your aggravations out on your wife. Right now she needs your support, not your grief.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #20 - Remembering The Spirit Of The Season

Dear Readers,

First we had Black Friday, then we had Small Business Saturday; tomorrow is Cyber Monday.  Does that mean that today is a day to sit back and reflect on the true meaning of the holiday season? I hope so, because those are the kind of thoughts I will be sharing with you today.

As I have mentioned so many times in the past, I have a wonderful home, full of people who serve - I mean love! - me and want me to be happy.  One of the people who makes me happy is the little girl who lives next door.  "Missy" is unlike any child I have ever met; she is "seven going on sixty" as my Mommie describes her, but that is okay with me.  I am generally not fond of young children; they chase me under the furniture and try to pull me out by the tail. (Yeah, there's a good way to endear the cat to you!  Torture it!).  Missy, however, is not like that.  Missy is like an adult in miniature.  Like many children of a certain age, Missy is starting to doubt the existence of Santa Claus and the magic of Smiley, her Elf of the Shelf.  It is for all the Missys out there that I say this:

To all of you raising the Missys of the world, to all of you struggling to conquer your own personal battles; to you I would like to say that I understand that it is hard to keep believing. I know how difficult it can be to keep trying when all you want to do is give in and hope somebody else can pick up the slack, if only for a moment.  I may be just a little kitty, but I witness the trials of my humans, and the anguish of those who write to me.  We live in a world where it is so easy to lose our faith. Disappointments in our personal and professional lives sap our desire to keep trying; trying moments sap our reserves to the point where we wonder where we will find the strength to go on another step.  I say, keep trying, in spite of the hurt; you never know which attempt will lead to success.  

Don't be afraid to take naps between tries!  Just remember to try again when you wake!

Discouragement is a natural, human emotion - everyone feels it, but remember this the next time you feel the need to verbalize yours: Children - even those that are not your own - can have mighty good hearing when it comes to things we would rather they not hear; once spoken, words cannot be unsaid. The next time you catch yourself losing your temper or drowning your spirit over something you cannot control, think of the lesson you are passing on to a child. Better yet, if you find yourself stressed to the point that you are losing your temper or drowning in misery, maybe it is time that you have a "time out".

Remember that you will quickly reach the point where you can do no good for others if you refuse to first be good to yourself.  Brew a cup of coffee or tea; take 15 minutes to yourself with a newspaper or a good book; make time for yourself! While you are indulging in your "time out", ask yourself: Are the gifts you "need" to buy really so necessary that you must toss civility to the side to get them?  I'll bet you a Cabbage Patch Kid, a Furby, and a Tickle Me Elmo that they are not.  Do you really want to give your child a gift that required you to stampede over others to get it?

Zombie apocalypse or Wal-Mart on Black Friday?

In the consumer culture that has developed over the past several decades, is it any wonder children no longer believe in the magical?  Or do they?  As I overheard Missy explain to my Mommie that she didn't think her Elf was real, that her Mom moved him around after she went to sleep, I saw a glint of doubt in her eyes at the sound of her own words; a small fear that maybe - just maybe - she was wrong. Something tells me that there is a seven-year-old underneath that serious demeanor after all...a seven year old who wants to continue to believe, in spite of a gut feeling to the contrary.   Hope springs eternal in the hearts of youth, but just as with adults those hopes need to be nurtured.  Is there any way that we can make the magic last just a little while longer?

Please ignore the bad hair and take a minute to listen to the message!

Santa Claus, The Elf, and other characters of Christmas (does Hanukkah have any?) are only symbols of a greater good that dwells within our hearts, a good that often gets shoved aside in favor of other responsibilities, real and imagined.  This year, don't let the stresses of creating a "perfect" holiday season shove aside the reasons that we celebrate the season - the miracles, big and small, that come about as a result of faith, hope, charity, love, and the indefatigable strength of the human spirit. At seven years old, Missy and most other children her age are still too young to understand the spirit of good will behind the concepts of Santa and the Elf on the Shelf; it is up to you humans to illustrate it for them.  Are you up to the task?

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  It is exactly one month until Christmas; thirteen days until the start of Hanukkah, so don't wait too long to start displaying your holiday spirit!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.