How Long Should You Be Dating Before Exchanging Christmas Gifts?

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a guy since September and am quite upset with him. When I asked "Alexander" what he wanted for Christmas he told me that he did not want to exchange Christmas gifts this year; he felt it was "too soon to be that serious" about each other. How serious does one have to be to exchange Christmas gifts? Ours is an intimate relationship, and as far as I know we are not seeing other people, so how much more serious does he want to get before we exchange gifts?

I waited until after Thanksgiving to ask him a second time what he would like for Christmas, and he responded that he already told me it was "too soon" in our relationship to exchange Christmas gifts. I asked him why he felt that way, and he told me that exchanging gifts of any kind is a sign of deep commitment; that if you end up breaking up you don't want to have a bunch of mementos around that will remind you of that person. When I took this to mean he planned on breaking up with me after the holidays, Alexander told me I was overreacting; that he does not plan on breaking up with me but that he does not know what the future holds.

I feel like Alexander is sending me mixed messages. Meanwhile, all of my friends are talking about what they are getting their boyfriends for Christmas and asking me what I will be getting Alexander. So far, I have just shrugged and said "I don't know"; told them it's a secret; and pretended to be putting things off until the last minute. Should I buy Alexander something for Christmas anyway, so I can at least be honest with my friends when they ask me what I got him for Christmas? But then how do I respond when they ask me what Alexander got me without making him look like a complete jerk?

Signed,
Running Out Of Time!

Dear Running Out Of Time:

You could be honest with your friends by explaining to them that you and Alexander have decided not to exchange Christmas gifts this year, since your relationship is still in the early stages. You say that your relationship is "an intimate one" and I presume you mean physically intimate, but do you also have an emotionally intimate relationship? Has he introduced you to his friends as his "girlfriend" or simply as "a friend" or has he not introduced you to them at all? Do you know Alexander's favorite color, brand of cologne/after-shave, and what his favorite food is? Can you read his moods and know what triggers them? Do you know what turns him on outside of the bedroom? If you know none of this, how could you possibly buy him a gift that has special meaning between the two of you? Or were you planning on buying him a CD or Blu-Ray? (In which case you will need to know his musical and movie tastes).

It is possible that Alexander was deeply hurt in  the past and had to purge his life of painful physical reminders of that relationship. (I know many a woman who has made a trip to the local gold and silver buyer to rid herself of jewelry from boyfriends past!). Rather than disrespect Alexander's wishes, why not give him a creative homemade gift? Cookies, brownies, or other baked goods are always a delicious way to show you care! You could also write him a sentimental message inside a Christmas card (just don't go overboard) or offer to take him out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve to celebrate your "non-Christmas" celebration.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Share Your Christmas Traditions With Tazi!

Dear Readers,

Since it is Christmas Eve I have decided to take a rare vacation for the next few days to celebrate with my family and the large bag of kitty snax I see hidden in the far reaches of the Christmas tree; for some reason, my humans thought I would not go after them if they were tucked away there!  Such Christmas fools!

I will get those kitty snax, even if it kills the tree!

I would like to wish you all a very relaxing holiday, and to those who do not celebrate a relaxing day off tomorrow, courtesy of America's Judeo-Christian traditions. Speaking of which, are any of my Jewish readers going to a "Matzo Ball" this year?

I doubt I will be able to sleep a wink tonight; I will be on the lookout for Santa! I plan on attacking the big guy and digging through his toy sack for just the right gift for Mommie. Do you think she will like a big bag of Skittles candy? I love chasing them around the floor, almost as much as I love chasing chipmunks around the house! Speaking of chipmunks, Mommie was not amused with the dead chipmunk I gave her last Christmas. Personally, I thought it was the best Christmas gift ever!

I plan on attacking the real Santa, too!

What, dear readers, is the best gift you have ever received for the holidays? What is the worst gift you have ever received? Please, share your stories with me! Just this once, I will not mock your crazy human behavior of buying the wife a crock pot for Christmas! I receive so many letters with tales of woe; today I would like to hear your tales (tails?) of happiness and laughter! You can comment here at the end of the column, or comment on Facebook or on Twitter, with the hash-tag AskTazi, or by direct tweet to @TaziKat. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

I am off to bed now...the quicker you fall asleep, the quicker Santa comes to your house, you know!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Young Is Too Young To Give A Gift Of Fine Jewelry?

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 14-year-old son. It has to do with dating and money. A few summers ago “Brady” met a young lady at a party and they have been “dating” ever since, albeit the fact that it is “long distance” since neither of them are old enough to drive and she lives twenty minutes away and is not on a direct bus route. They see each other a few times a month, Skype a few times a week, and text daily. She is a lovely girl, and a good influence on my son – his school grades have vastly improved (she is an honor roll student) and he now puts the manners we have tried to instill in him into practice.

We give Brady an allowance of $20/week, with the agreement that $5/week goes into his personal savings for large and/or expensive purchases. Over the years we have increased his allowance based upon his responsibilities, always with the agreement that a few dollars go into his personal savings. He has managed to save a tidy sum, as well as learn the value of a dollar and the importance of hard work.

The other night over dinner, Brady informed his mother and me that he would like to buy his girlfriend an “open heart” pendant that he saw advertised on TV. My wife practically choked on her dinner and – without consulting me – declared that he absolutely would not be purchasing his girlfriend fine jewelry; that he is far too young to give such a serious gift; and that she will not allow him to spend such a large sum of money. Brady responded in kind, telling his mother that he can spend his money any way he wants, and stormed away from the dinner table.

Later that night I brought up the subject with my wife, telling her that I believe she overreacted; that Brady has been dating his girlfriend for two years now; and that he would like to give her a token of his affection to remind her of him, since they are so often apart. My wife once again reacted poorly, and I am afraid I spoke some ugly truths to her, ending with my personal belief that she is trying to keep our son her little boy and not allow him to grow up.

The next morning, things were still a little icy between my wife and I when Brady handed us a printout of a letter you answered on a very similar topic; however, I believe the people involved in that situation were all adults. My wife and I are both wondering what kind of advice you would give regarding our situation. We have agreed to follow your advice.

Signed,
Connecticut Father

Dear Connecticut Father:

I believe the letter to which you refer dealt with the issue of how soon is too soon to give a gift of jewelry; and you are correct, the issue was between two adults. My advice in your situation will be a little different, but first we all need to look at the big picture.

Your son is not planning on buying his lady friend a diamond engagement ring or even something that comes in a pale blue box (that was a reference to Tiffany’s, for those not in the know!).

A Jane Seymour “Open Hearts” pendant is a very affordable, even for a young person, with pendant appropriate for teenage couples priced around $80. For your son, this represents an investment of one month’s allowance, which is not entirely unreasonable…although I am not entirely comfortable with this price point considering his age. However…

Since your son has faithfully followed your rule that he save a portion of his weekly allowance for high end purchases, I am hesitant to suggest that you dishonor your end of the agreement. Fourteen is a difficult age, a point in life where a young person starts looking for ways to express their independence; Brady’s desire to give his girlfriend something that reflects his feelings for her.

I think you should have a father-son talk with Brady about his intention to purchase his girlfriend a piece of fine jewelry. Explain to him that just as his mother did not react well, his girlfriend’s parents may have the same reaction when they discover a boy has made such a purchase for their daughter. Try to get to the reason why Brady wants to buy his girlfriend this pendant. Is it because he fears that other boys are expressing interest in her? Is it because she has expressed an interest in this piece of jewelry? How would he feel if something were to happen and the two of them were to break up; would he be alright with her keeping the pendant? A gift, once given, cannot be demanded back. If at this point Brady still wants to buy his girlfriend the pendant he has in mind I suggest that you allow it, on the conditions that he ask her parents’ permission to give it and that the price remain within reason.

Once you have ironed out all of these details with Brady, I suggest that you lay down a few ground rules about how he is allowed to spend his money in the future. This should help to circumvent any future arguments about money while still allowing him the independence that a fourteen year old boy craves.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  A nice alternative would be a few Alex and Ani bangles! The are a great way to show you care, won't break the bank, are made of fine materials, and are very fashionable! Plus, they are made in the USA!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should He Ask Her To Marry Him On A Gift-Giving Holiday?

Dear Tazi:

I am preparing to propose to my girlfriend of almost one year.  I would like to do it on Christmas Day, but my buddies are all telling me not to do it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  They say that if our engagement breaks off before we get married the ring could be considered a Christmas gift and she would have the right to keep it, whereas if we got engaged on a different day - say New Year's Eve - I would have the legal right to retain the ring if the marriage doesn't take place.  Do you know if this is true, Tazi?

I love my girlfriend very much, and I don't see us breaking up before we get married, but you really never know what is going to happen.  I have paid a lot of money for the ring, so if we were to break up I would want to get it back.  Should I wait until New Year's Eve to ask her to marry me?  Or should I go ahead with my original plan?

Signed,
Almost Engaged

Dear Almost Engaged:

I think you should wait.  Indefinitely.  Your girlfriend has not yet said yes to marrying you and already you are planning what should happen to the ring if your engagement ends. While you may see this as a manner of practical thinking, I see it as placing a higher value on the ring than on the woman you love.

I am also wondering why you are so concerned about the possibility of a break-up before you get married.  If you think your engagement will not last than you should not be getting engaged.  Furthermore, you give your girlfriend very little credit in the class department.  If your theoretical engagement were to break up, why are you so certain she would not offer to return the ring?  If she were to leave you, giving the ring back would be the first item on her "to do" list; if you were to leave her and ask for the return of the ring, a gentleman would give the lady time to mourn the demise of her relationship, a lady would return the ring within a few months time.

If you are dead-set on getting engaged this holiday season, I suggest that you buy your girlfriend a spectacular Christmas gift and hold the engagement ring until New Year's - not because I foresee a legal battle for the ring, but because this plan should ease your fears of losing the rights to what you consider yours.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  You do realize that diamonds have a horrible resale value, right? If you were to try and sell the ring, you might get back as little as 10% of your purchase price.  Not many people want to buy a ring from a broken engagement - they see it as tainted with bad luck, and I can't blame them for their superstition (said the black cat!).  If you were to keep the ring, do you honestly think another woman would accept an engagement ring purchased for someone else?  My mailbag tells me no.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thoughtless Gifts Take The Fun Out Of Giving, Receiving

Dear Tazi:

It's the gift-giving time of year again, and the economy is bad.  This is a combination that, in the past, has resulted in my receiving really bad gifts.  I would rather my friends, family, co-workers, and loved ones save their money than give me cheap items that I neither need, want, or have any use for whatsoever.

Last Christmas, my nephew gave me a copy of my favorite classic movie, Gone With the Wind....on VHS tape.  In case you are going to say that it's the thought that counts, know that it was obvious that he had picked it up at somebody's yard sale (the price dot was still on the back of it); I do not even own a VCR and have no way of playing the tape; and I already own a much nicer copy of it on Blu-Ray.  My nephew is in college, so he is not a young, clueless child.  Other gifts I received from people who felt obligated to buy me a gift included a set of plastic salt and pepper shakers with the matching napkin holder; a Christmas sweater (given to me on Christmas Day); a size 2XL two-piece bathing suit (I am a large woman, but not a 2XL and would never wear a two-piece anyway!); and, my personal "favorite", a Powerball ticket with the disclaimer that if it won I would have to split the winnings with the giver.  I no longer participate in the office Christmas exchange after getting cheated into accepting a summer themed shot glass that was on clearance at the local discount store for 75-cents (the price point was $20; there is no way that piece of [poopie] cost anywhere near $20!).

Tazi, I am not looking for bling or amazing swag under my Christmas tree; just a thoughtful gift that took some kind of effort on the part of the giver.  I have told my family that they need not worry about buying for me if they cannot afford it, but they insist on giving something because I "always give such great gifts"!  This year, I am considering making charitable donations to organizations that I know my loved ones support.  This way I get the joy of giving, a charity gets a much needed donation, and I don't have to worry about receiving needless junk in return for my "great gift".  However, I am afraid that some people might be offended that they are not getting a physical gift from me this year.  Can you think of a way that my plan can be tastefully executed?

Signed,
Gifts In Bad Taste

Dear Gifts In Bad Taste:

So often, people feel obligated to give a gift to every member of their family, right down to their great-Aunt Tillie who they have not seen since last Christmas.  The "need" to give everyone a gift can get quite expensive, resulting in some questionable purchases.  The gifts you have been receiving are definitely inexpensive, but also uninspired, so I can see why you are upset.  It is not the cost of the gift that matters, but the thought that goes into it, and it appears that your loved ones do not think before purchasing your presents.

I have a few suggestions for gift-giving among you and your family that are not as extreme as writing a check to charity on behalf of someone else.  The first is try a Secret Santa gift exchange, like many people do at their office (I presume this is how you ended up with a 75-cent shot glass).  This method of gift giving is good natured and fun, and allows the gift-giver to spend more money on one present and less money overall since they are buying only one gift.

The second suggestion is a Yankee Swap, where each participant buys a thoughtful gift and participants choose a gift in turn and "swap" the gift taken for something they like better.  So long as everyone sticks to the rules (and an agreed upon price point), this is a fun way to exchange gifts.

The third suggestion is to simply not exchange gifts at all.  You could explain to your loved ones that your house is becoming overwhelmed with knick-knacks, scented candles, VHS tapes, and other presents given in thought of the holiday season.  From there, if you would like to make charitable donations on behalf of your loved ones, make certain that it is a cause that they support!  Some will be bitter about this choice - they would rather that you hand them the cash - but others will be touched by your kindness.

One last suggestion comes from my Mommie.  Her family has a silly tradition that they picked up from watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Christmas From the Dollar Store.  Silly gifts are purchased; a Yankee Swap commences; many laughs are shared; and nobody misses the traditional gift-giving exchange, which still takes place among the immediate family circles of parents/children/grandchildren, just not aunts/uncles/cousins/nephews/nieces/etc.

Jay Leno's Christmas From the 99-Cent Store

Be sure to check out "Hell Kitty"!

However you choose to celebrate the season, remember that it is the intangible gifts that we give each other - love, happiness, laughter, and kindness - that last the longest and mean the most!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Or you could just give yourself a present instead!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #20 - Remembering The Spirit Of The Season

Dear Readers,

First we had Black Friday, then we had Small Business Saturday; tomorrow is Cyber Monday.  Does that mean that today is a day to sit back and reflect on the true meaning of the holiday season? I hope so, because those are the kind of thoughts I will be sharing with you today.

As I have mentioned so many times in the past, I have a wonderful home, full of people who serve - I mean love! - me and want me to be happy.  One of the people who makes me happy is the little girl who lives next door.  "Missy" is unlike any child I have ever met; she is "seven going on sixty" as my Mommie describes her, but that is okay with me.  I am generally not fond of young children; they chase me under the furniture and try to pull me out by the tail. (Yeah, there's a good way to endear the cat to you!  Torture it!).  Missy, however, is not like that.  Missy is like an adult in miniature.  Like many children of a certain age, Missy is starting to doubt the existence of Santa Claus and the magic of Smiley, her Elf of the Shelf.  It is for all the Missys out there that I say this:

To all of you raising the Missys of the world, to all of you struggling to conquer your own personal battles; to you I would like to say that I understand that it is hard to keep believing. I know how difficult it can be to keep trying when all you want to do is give in and hope somebody else can pick up the slack, if only for a moment.  I may be just a little kitty, but I witness the trials of my humans, and the anguish of those who write to me.  We live in a world where it is so easy to lose our faith. Disappointments in our personal and professional lives sap our desire to keep trying; trying moments sap our reserves to the point where we wonder where we will find the strength to go on another step.  I say, keep trying, in spite of the hurt; you never know which attempt will lead to success.  

Don't be afraid to take naps between tries!  Just remember to try again when you wake!

Discouragement is a natural, human emotion - everyone feels it, but remember this the next time you feel the need to verbalize yours: Children - even those that are not your own - can have mighty good hearing when it comes to things we would rather they not hear; once spoken, words cannot be unsaid. The next time you catch yourself losing your temper or drowning your spirit over something you cannot control, think of the lesson you are passing on to a child. Better yet, if you find yourself stressed to the point that you are losing your temper or drowning in misery, maybe it is time that you have a "time out".

Remember that you will quickly reach the point where you can do no good for others if you refuse to first be good to yourself.  Brew a cup of coffee or tea; take 15 minutes to yourself with a newspaper or a good book; make time for yourself! While you are indulging in your "time out", ask yourself: Are the gifts you "need" to buy really so necessary that you must toss civility to the side to get them?  I'll bet you a Cabbage Patch Kid, a Furby, and a Tickle Me Elmo that they are not.  Do you really want to give your child a gift that required you to stampede over others to get it?

Zombie apocalypse or Wal-Mart on Black Friday?

In the consumer culture that has developed over the past several decades, is it any wonder children no longer believe in the magical?  Or do they?  As I overheard Missy explain to my Mommie that she didn't think her Elf was real, that her Mom moved him around after she went to sleep, I saw a glint of doubt in her eyes at the sound of her own words; a small fear that maybe - just maybe - she was wrong. Something tells me that there is a seven-year-old underneath that serious demeanor after all...a seven year old who wants to continue to believe, in spite of a gut feeling to the contrary.   Hope springs eternal in the hearts of youth, but just as with adults those hopes need to be nurtured.  Is there any way that we can make the magic last just a little while longer?

Please ignore the bad hair and take a minute to listen to the message!

Santa Claus, The Elf, and other characters of Christmas (does Hanukkah have any?) are only symbols of a greater good that dwells within our hearts, a good that often gets shoved aside in favor of other responsibilities, real and imagined.  This year, don't let the stresses of creating a "perfect" holiday season shove aside the reasons that we celebrate the season - the miracles, big and small, that come about as a result of faith, hope, charity, love, and the indefatigable strength of the human spirit. At seven years old, Missy and most other children her age are still too young to understand the spirit of good will behind the concepts of Santa and the Elf on the Shelf; it is up to you humans to illustrate it for them.  Are you up to the task?

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  It is exactly one month until Christmas; thirteen days until the start of Hanukkah, so don't wait too long to start displaying your holiday spirit!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Office Gift Swap Brings Tidings Of Competiton

Dear Tazi-Kat:

The holidays are coming up, and with them come the annual gift swaps that many workplaces practice, including mine. My problem is that I never know what to do when it comes to the price range. In order to be fair to all, my office puts a “$20 limit” on all gifts; but I am confused as to what this really means.

Does a $20 limit mean that people can spend less than $20? Does it mean that we should spend $20 before sales tax or including it? And most importantly, does it mean that the gift should be a $20 value? I was reading your column about the woman who always finds bargains, and realized that if I buy a gift on sale for 75% off, I can purchase a gift that is valued at $20 for only $5; which would save me a bundle but make me look cheap if anyone found out what I actually paid for it. On the other hand, using that same 75% off sale, I could also buy a gift that is valued at $80 for only $20; which would make my gift really stand out compared to everyone else’s, as well as give me bragging rights about the great deal I scored (should anyone be concenred that I went over the $20 limit).

What are your thoughts on the matter, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Holly Day, Shopper


Dear H.D. Shopper:

It sounds to me like the office holiday gift swap is fraught with competition over who brings the best gift! Please remember that giving holiday gifts is about the spirit of sharing good tidings and joy and should not be turned into a popularity contest.

If a gift is on sale for 75% off just before the holidays (with the exception f Black Friday specials), do you really think that is a gift someone would truly want to receive? Gift items that are on clearance sale are generally there because they were leftovers from seasons past. Purchasing the latest Call of Duty game for $20 is a great score, and a gift most adults would love to receive; purchasing the once popular Furby for $20 is a gift that most adults would find pathetic and sad, regardless of the fact that they once sold for several hundred dollars and were considered by many to be destined to rise in value.

As for the definition of “$20 limit”, I would say it is a guideline that is set to avoid the spirit of competition that erupts over who gave/received the best gift; as well as an attempt to keep the gifts affordable and enjoyable for all, thus eliminating the need to even enter the realm of the 75%-off clearance bin.

--Tazi-Kat