It's Never Too Late To Apologize For Bad Behavior

Dear Tazi:

I am an idiot. No, I am a jerk. No, I am an idiot and a jerk! Several years ago I allowed an amazing woman to walk out of my life because I was not ready for a relationship and wanted to play the field. I grew up with "Alexandria", and never forgot about her because we live in the same parish so I see her around every now and then - at the grocery store, the Post Office, and other places like that; sometimes, I even go to church because I know that she will be there. This is how I know that she has been happily involved with someone for the past four years.

When I first heard that Alexandria was seeing someone, I was happy for her - and relieved that she had moved on with her life after I broke her heart. It wasn't that I didn't have feelings for her; it was that I wasn't ready to settle down with one woman. I was only thirty and still enjoying playing the field, while she wanted someone more serious. I am now thirty-eight and playing the field has lost its charm. Yes, there were women out there who were younger and prettier than Alexandria, but they all expected me to take care of them - from buying them their every drink from the moment I meet them to buying them expensive jewelry for every holiday. Alexandria used to tell me that a gift of jewelry is a sign of a serious commitment, and I am starting to feel the same, now that I am older, which is why I have bought a diamond tennis bracelet for her.

I realize that Alexandria is with someone, and I am not trying to tempt her away and back into my arms; I just want her to know how important she is to me and that I have finally seen the light - that a good woman is hard to find. I want to tell her that I was an idiot to let her walk away and that I am a jerk for walking all over her feelings all those years ago. I want her to know that, come what may, she will always hold a special place in my heart.

My mother has accused me of trying to start trouble for Alexandria, of going back to the roots I tried to poison, now that I am old and washed up. My sister has reminded me that Alexandria would probably refuse the bracelet anyway, and that I should return it while I still have the receipt. While Mama is wrong, my sister is probably right which is why I was wondering if you think it would be okay to put the bracelet - along with an anonymous note - in Alexandria's mailbox, where she is bound to find it.

Signed,
Lovelorn in Louisiana

Dear Lovelorn in Louisiana:

Were you drunk when you wrote this letter to me? It has been eight years since you broke up with Alexandria! She has been in a serious relationship for four - which, incidentally, does not mean it took her the prior four years to get over you! While an apology for past bad behavior is never the wrong thing to do, you appear to be moved by the wrong motivation.

If you truly care about Alexandria - as a childhood friend or as something more - you will leave her be to move through life without you. Your idea of leaving her a diamond tennis bracelet in her mailbox reeks of stupidity. For one, it is a rarely prosecuted Federal crime to leave anything but duly posted U.S. mail in someone's mailbox. Second, how anonymous would your note actually be, and what affect do you think it would have on her current relationship?

I suggest that you return the tennis bracelet, while you still can, and forget about your plan to woo Alexandria. Next, I suggest you stop going to church in order to stalk this woman! While many couples have met during church, services in the Lord's house are not Match.com events! If you are sincerely called to attend mass, do so out of humble piety...and then after mass you might want to approach Alexandria and apologize for past wrongs against her. You don't have to give a sermon to her, just ask for her forgiveness for the bad blood you feel between the two of you. You may be surprised to discover that she has forgotten all about it and put it behind her years ago.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wedding Gift Is Over Student's Budget; Should Attendance Be Out Of The Question, Too?

Dear Tazi:

I am in my final year of college. Since my program is a five year program, most of my friends graduated last year and are now getting married. I have received several invites to weddings and showers and would like to attend them all, but financially I cannot afford it!

As soon as I receive the invitation to a wedding shower I print out the gift registry to see what kind of things the bride and groom have registered for and what is still available for purchase. I realize my friends are just starting out and need EVERYTHING, but do they really need the most expensive of everything? It seems there is nothing on the registry that costs less than $100, unless you want to buy a partial gift (one plate; $20; a set of pillowcases, $50; two bath towels, $50).

I am doing my best to pay my own way through school on scholarship, a part-time job during the school year and working 60 hours a week during the summer, and student loans that I am paying on while in school (to keep the interest on them from accruing). I am seriously strapped for cash and cannot afford to buy the things my friends want - like Pfaltzgraff dinnerware in service for eight ($200, inc. tax) or a Ralph Lauren bath towel st ($140, on sale!). I don't own stuff this nice! I can't afford it, so why should I buy it for someone else?

Thus far I have turned down every invitation that has come in, without explanation and have not sent a gift, either. Then one of my sorority sisters asked me why I didn't want to come to her wedding, and told me she was really hurt that I didn't even offer regrets with my response card - I just checked no and popped it in the mail and never said anything more.

Spring is coming so the invites for summer weddings will again be arriving in the mail and I don't know what to do or say at this point. I thought people would get the message when word got around I hadn't attended any of last season's weddings, but I am still getting Save the Date cards for Memorial Day weekend (the weekend after my graduation) and other holiday weekends. What do you suggest?

Signed,
In A Tight Spot

Dear In A Tight Spot:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with buying a "partial" gift of a single place setting or a few towels or even a set of pillowcases! I am not sure where you got the idea that you needed to buy the entire set of what has been requested, but you are under no obligation to do so; nor are you under any obligation to buy off registry. A gift registry is a list of suggestions to make gift giving easy and return-free; however, if you see something that you think the bride and groom want or need there is no reason why you should not buy it. In fact, etiquette states that it is rude for someone to even mention the existence of a gift registry, as that smacks of self-centeredness and makes it look like the bride and groom are fishing for gifts.

What's all this? We specified Benjamins ONLY!

In some cultures, it is appropriate to turn down a wedding invitation if you cannot afford to give a gift that is equal to or greater than your plate charge; in America this demand is still considered to be the height of ingratitude so don't let your short finances stop you from attending a wedding you really want to attend. It may surprise you to hear this, but your friends understand that you are a poor college student, yet they invited you to their wedding anyway; this must mean that they want you there to celebrate their special day, regardless of your ability to pony up the cash! By refusing to attend - and refusing to give an explanation - you are hurting their feelings.

If you cannot afford to give what you call a "partial gift" you can give a gift card. Many stores now have the option of putting money on a "value added card", which is a single gift card onto which multiple guests can add a gift. Before the registry is closed out the bride and groom are presented with the "added value card" to purchase any items they registered for but did not receive. It is a way for many people to pool together to buy a large gift, even if they do not know each other! You can present the bride and groom with a card and a heartfelt message expressing your happiness for them along with the gift card or an added message that you put their gift on the value added card and hope they have fun deciding on what to get.

As much as it hurts that you can't afford nice stuff, remember that your day will come and you will be the one registering for - and receiving - fine china and Egyptian cotton towels.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Long Should You Be Dating Before Exchanging Christmas Gifts?

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a guy since September and am quite upset with him. When I asked "Alexander" what he wanted for Christmas he told me that he did not want to exchange Christmas gifts this year; he felt it was "too soon to be that serious" about each other. How serious does one have to be to exchange Christmas gifts? Ours is an intimate relationship, and as far as I know we are not seeing other people, so how much more serious does he want to get before we exchange gifts?

I waited until after Thanksgiving to ask him a second time what he would like for Christmas, and he responded that he already told me it was "too soon" in our relationship to exchange Christmas gifts. I asked him why he felt that way, and he told me that exchanging gifts of any kind is a sign of deep commitment; that if you end up breaking up you don't want to have a bunch of mementos around that will remind you of that person. When I took this to mean he planned on breaking up with me after the holidays, Alexander told me I was overreacting; that he does not plan on breaking up with me but that he does not know what the future holds.

I feel like Alexander is sending me mixed messages. Meanwhile, all of my friends are talking about what they are getting their boyfriends for Christmas and asking me what I will be getting Alexander. So far, I have just shrugged and said "I don't know"; told them it's a secret; and pretended to be putting things off until the last minute. Should I buy Alexander something for Christmas anyway, so I can at least be honest with my friends when they ask me what I got him for Christmas? But then how do I respond when they ask me what Alexander got me without making him look like a complete jerk?

Signed,
Running Out Of Time!

Dear Running Out Of Time:

You could be honest with your friends by explaining to them that you and Alexander have decided not to exchange Christmas gifts this year, since your relationship is still in the early stages. You say that your relationship is "an intimate one" and I presume you mean physically intimate, but do you also have an emotionally intimate relationship? Has he introduced you to his friends as his "girlfriend" or simply as "a friend" or has he not introduced you to them at all? Do you know Alexander's favorite color, brand of cologne/after-shave, and what his favorite food is? Can you read his moods and know what triggers them? Do you know what turns him on outside of the bedroom? If you know none of this, how could you possibly buy him a gift that has special meaning between the two of you? Or were you planning on buying him a CD or Blu-Ray? (In which case you will need to know his musical and movie tastes).

It is possible that Alexander was deeply hurt in  the past and had to purge his life of painful physical reminders of that relationship. (I know many a woman who has made a trip to the local gold and silver buyer to rid herself of jewelry from boyfriends past!). Rather than disrespect Alexander's wishes, why not give him a creative homemade gift? Cookies, brownies, or other baked goods are always a delicious way to show you care! You could also write him a sentimental message inside a Christmas card (just don't go overboard) or offer to take him out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve to celebrate your "non-Christmas" celebration.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bratty Niece Leaves Angry Uncle Wanting An Apology

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law has an eight year old daughter who is an absolute brat. She interrupts conversations, talks back to adults, and never says thank-you for anything. I avoid visiting my in-laws because I know that one day I am going to lose it on the kid if her behavior does not improve.

For me, the last straw with “Aimee” was Christmas Eve. We were gathered at my sister-in-law’s house and the kids were opening gifts from the adults. My wife spent a lot of time and money shopping for the nephews and nieces, picking out what she thought would be just the right gift for each of them. Her three other nieces and her two nephews loved their gifts, and expressed their gratitude; Aimee did not like her gift, and let everyone know. She threw aside the GAP Kids outfit my wife had bought her, calling it “stupid and for babies”. Aimee’s mother demanded that she apologize, but Aimee refused, saying she wasn’t sorry and that it is wrong to lie. (At least the kid showed some kind of moral compass).

My wife was distraught and I was just plain [angry], so we ended up leaving shortly after Aimee’s meltdown. I expected my sister-in-law to call to apologize, say she has punished Aimee for her rude behavior, or something like that, but she never did; she didn’t even call to wish us a Merry Christmas. I would like to call my sister-in-law and tell her exactly how I feel about her kid’s behavior, but my wife says to let it go, that Aimee is probably going through a phase and will outgrow it. Aimee’s birthday is in February, and I would like to skip the gift-giving altogether, as punishment since nobody else seems to be correcting her, but my wife says that is harsh and that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior by the time her birthday rolls around. I say that is all the more reason to remind her of it, not to reward her for it.

My wife is a devoted reader of your column (and yeah, I like it too) so I would like to know your opinion on what to do – let things go or make a point.

Signed,

Angry Uncle

Dear Angry Uncle:

Eight years old can be a difficult age for a girl; she is no longer a baby or even a little girl, but she is not yet a teenager who can wear makeup and talk about boys. Our American culture pushes adolescence on children younger and younger with every generation – it is different from when you were a child. When my Mommie was a child she would emulate Sheena Easton and Donna Summer; now girls look to role models like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. What girly-girl would not be entranced by that much glitter? However, the fact remains that Aimee is still an eight year old girl, regardless of how old she may think she is. This could explain – although not excuse – Aimee’s rudeness.

She worked hard for the money, so hard honey, honey!

After re-reading your letter, I think that the situation was handled badly all the way around – from Aimee’s tantrum to your sister-in-law’s passive attitude, to you and your wife picking up and leaving early – while this may have resolved your own discomfort, it probably made things even worse for the other guests (who may have deserved that discomfort for sitting passively and watching the drama unfold; I cannot say for certain since I was not there).

Putting aside the fact that Aimee’s mother needs to take charge of her daughter’s behavior – that is another issue altogether – I would like to address your handling of the whole gift-giving situation. You say that your wife spent a lot of time and money picking out what she thought was the perfect gift. While I appreciate her efforts, did she seek input from her sister on what Aimee might like? This small effort could have saved her the larger effort of searching for the perfect gift, and is the reason that weddings have registries and why children write letters to Santa. This oversight, however, in no way excuses Aimee’s behavior.

Your wife is right in saying that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior from Christmas by the time her birthday arrives. Withholding her gift when you have given her birthday gifts in the past will be a lesson lost on one so young. I suggest that you give Aimee a birthday gift, as usual. Should her reaction to your gift mirror her reaction at Christmas, calmly take the gift, put it back in the box, and tell Aimee that you will be returning it since she did not like it. Do not exchange the gift for something she likes; do not give her a gift card or merchandise credit; simply let her poor behavior be its own reward. If she questions your actions, when she realizes a new gift is not forthcoming, explain to her in language that a newly-minted nine year old can understand: a gift is not something that is automatic; it is given out of love, and when love is not shown back no gift the giver feels very hurt. A gift once given belongs to the recipient, but if rejected can be taken back by the giver. If your sister-in-law has a problem with this, you can take the issue up with her – privately, not in front of her child.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Young Is Too Young To Give A Gift Of Fine Jewelry?

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 14-year-old son. It has to do with dating and money. A few summers ago “Brady” met a young lady at a party and they have been “dating” ever since, albeit the fact that it is “long distance” since neither of them are old enough to drive and she lives twenty minutes away and is not on a direct bus route. They see each other a few times a month, Skype a few times a week, and text daily. She is a lovely girl, and a good influence on my son – his school grades have vastly improved (she is an honor roll student) and he now puts the manners we have tried to instill in him into practice.

We give Brady an allowance of $20/week, with the agreement that $5/week goes into his personal savings for large and/or expensive purchases. Over the years we have increased his allowance based upon his responsibilities, always with the agreement that a few dollars go into his personal savings. He has managed to save a tidy sum, as well as learn the value of a dollar and the importance of hard work.

The other night over dinner, Brady informed his mother and me that he would like to buy his girlfriend an “open heart” pendant that he saw advertised on TV. My wife practically choked on her dinner and – without consulting me – declared that he absolutely would not be purchasing his girlfriend fine jewelry; that he is far too young to give such a serious gift; and that she will not allow him to spend such a large sum of money. Brady responded in kind, telling his mother that he can spend his money any way he wants, and stormed away from the dinner table.

Later that night I brought up the subject with my wife, telling her that I believe she overreacted; that Brady has been dating his girlfriend for two years now; and that he would like to give her a token of his affection to remind her of him, since they are so often apart. My wife once again reacted poorly, and I am afraid I spoke some ugly truths to her, ending with my personal belief that she is trying to keep our son her little boy and not allow him to grow up.

The next morning, things were still a little icy between my wife and I when Brady handed us a printout of a letter you answered on a very similar topic; however, I believe the people involved in that situation were all adults. My wife and I are both wondering what kind of advice you would give regarding our situation. We have agreed to follow your advice.

Signed,
Connecticut Father

Dear Connecticut Father:

I believe the letter to which you refer dealt with the issue of how soon is too soon to give a gift of jewelry; and you are correct, the issue was between two adults. My advice in your situation will be a little different, but first we all need to look at the big picture.

Your son is not planning on buying his lady friend a diamond engagement ring or even something that comes in a pale blue box (that was a reference to Tiffany’s, for those not in the know!).

A Jane Seymour “Open Hearts” pendant is a very affordable, even for a young person, with pendant appropriate for teenage couples priced around $80. For your son, this represents an investment of one month’s allowance, which is not entirely unreasonable…although I am not entirely comfortable with this price point considering his age. However…

Since your son has faithfully followed your rule that he save a portion of his weekly allowance for high end purchases, I am hesitant to suggest that you dishonor your end of the agreement. Fourteen is a difficult age, a point in life where a young person starts looking for ways to express their independence; Brady’s desire to give his girlfriend something that reflects his feelings for her.

I think you should have a father-son talk with Brady about his intention to purchase his girlfriend a piece of fine jewelry. Explain to him that just as his mother did not react well, his girlfriend’s parents may have the same reaction when they discover a boy has made such a purchase for their daughter. Try to get to the reason why Brady wants to buy his girlfriend this pendant. Is it because he fears that other boys are expressing interest in her? Is it because she has expressed an interest in this piece of jewelry? How would he feel if something were to happen and the two of them were to break up; would he be alright with her keeping the pendant? A gift, once given, cannot be demanded back. If at this point Brady still wants to buy his girlfriend the pendant he has in mind I suggest that you allow it, on the conditions that he ask her parents’ permission to give it and that the price remain within reason.

Once you have ironed out all of these details with Brady, I suggest that you lay down a few ground rules about how he is allowed to spend his money in the future. This should help to circumvent any future arguments about money while still allowing him the independence that a fourteen year old boy craves.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  A nice alternative would be a few Alex and Ani bangles! The are a great way to show you care, won't break the bank, are made of fine materials, and are very fashionable! Plus, they are made in the USA!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should He Ask Her To Marry Him On A Gift-Giving Holiday?

Dear Tazi:

I am preparing to propose to my girlfriend of almost one year.  I would like to do it on Christmas Day, but my buddies are all telling me not to do it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  They say that if our engagement breaks off before we get married the ring could be considered a Christmas gift and she would have the right to keep it, whereas if we got engaged on a different day - say New Year's Eve - I would have the legal right to retain the ring if the marriage doesn't take place.  Do you know if this is true, Tazi?

I love my girlfriend very much, and I don't see us breaking up before we get married, but you really never know what is going to happen.  I have paid a lot of money for the ring, so if we were to break up I would want to get it back.  Should I wait until New Year's Eve to ask her to marry me?  Or should I go ahead with my original plan?

Signed,
Almost Engaged

Dear Almost Engaged:

I think you should wait.  Indefinitely.  Your girlfriend has not yet said yes to marrying you and already you are planning what should happen to the ring if your engagement ends. While you may see this as a manner of practical thinking, I see it as placing a higher value on the ring than on the woman you love.

I am also wondering why you are so concerned about the possibility of a break-up before you get married.  If you think your engagement will not last than you should not be getting engaged.  Furthermore, you give your girlfriend very little credit in the class department.  If your theoretical engagement were to break up, why are you so certain she would not offer to return the ring?  If she were to leave you, giving the ring back would be the first item on her "to do" list; if you were to leave her and ask for the return of the ring, a gentleman would give the lady time to mourn the demise of her relationship, a lady would return the ring within a few months time.

If you are dead-set on getting engaged this holiday season, I suggest that you buy your girlfriend a spectacular Christmas gift and hold the engagement ring until New Year's - not because I foresee a legal battle for the ring, but because this plan should ease your fears of losing the rights to what you consider yours.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  You do realize that diamonds have a horrible resale value, right? If you were to try and sell the ring, you might get back as little as 10% of your purchase price.  Not many people want to buy a ring from a broken engagement - they see it as tainted with bad luck, and I can't blame them for their superstition (said the black cat!).  If you were to keep the ring, do you honestly think another woman would accept an engagement ring purchased for someone else?  My mailbag tells me no.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Gift Piggy" Needs To Go On A Diet

Dear Tazi:

I discovered your column a few months ago and have been enjoying the letters people send to you - past and current - never thinking I would ever feel the need to write to you, until I saw your response regarding giving the gift of jewelry to a woman. I saw my own problem reflected in that letter, but with an added twist.

I met "Victoria" on Christmas Eve, at a party at a friend's house. She was actually a friend of a friend of the host, joking that she was "crashing the party" because she didn't want to sit home alone on Christmas Eve. At first, I was charmed by her adventurous spirit; going out to a party on Christmas Eve where she knew virtually no one. We spent the evening talking, and before I left we exchanged phone numbers. I was pleasantly surprised when Victoria called me the next day to wish me a Merry Christmas, and to ask if it was too late to ask me out for New Year's Eve. Never having had a woman initiate a date before, I was flattered and accepted her offer.

When we got together for New Year's Eve, Victoria told me that she was disappointed that I did not bring her a "belated Christmas gift". I thought she was joking, and laughed it off when she told me I could make it up to her for Valentine's Day. We had a great night out, and started seeing each other on the weekends and occasionally during the week. For Valentine's Day, I brought Victoria flowers, a box of Godiva chocolates, and took her to a local jazz club for a light dinner and dancing. I thought we had a great night, but Victoria was playfully pouty because I didn't buy her jewelry. Like you, I feel that six weeks is far too soon to be buying a woman such an intimate gift. Victoria then joked (or so I thought) that I could make it up to her for St. Patrick's Day, since her birthstone is the emerald.

St. Patrick's Day just passed, and Victoria and I went out for a night on the town. I took her to an upscale Irish pub where we had dinner and several pints of Guinness and what I thought was a great time. The next day, though, Victoria emailed me to say she was disappointed that I had not taken the hint that she wanted an emerald! Attached to the email was a picture of a very expensive emerald ring, linking to the website where it could be purchased with the comment that it was "on clearance" and would not last long [Ed. Note: The letter writer enclosed the link. You can view the ring by clicking here].

Tazi, I was positively floored by Victoria's request, and had no idea how to respond so I told her I would have to think about it, just to buy myself some time. On the one hand, I have never met anyone like Victoria - she is a fun, free-spirited woman who makes me want to grab opportunity and squeeze every last drop out of it. On the other hand, she seems to have an absolute obsession with receiving (but not giving) gifts. When I mentioned to her that I have yet to receive any sort of gift from her, Victoria responded that the gift of her time and the wonderful mood she puts me in is what she has offered me; and she honestly seemed offended that I did not consider these "gifts" to be of equal value to the emerald ring she wants me to buy her. Is her reasoning logical? Because at times I feel a little guilty for not purchasing her the one thing she desires; but on the other hand, when I start to feel this way, I want to slap some sense into myself. Thoughts?

Signed,
Empty Hands

Dear Empty Hands:

Let me guess: Victoria suggested that you put the ring in the Easter basket full of goodies that you also were not planning on buying her, right? I have a name for people like Victoria, one I heard on that old TV show Just Shoot Me, and that name is a gift piggy! I realize from what you have written that you are quite taken with Victoria, but please remember that this woman started asking you for presents on your very first date! She then spent the first two months of your relationship trying to guilt you into buying her expensive jewelry, and it sounds like the guilt trip you are on has reached its final destination.

If I were you, I would sit down with Victoria, and explain to her that a gift of jewelry - especially an expensive ring - is a public sign of a deep, serious, and powerful commitment. At least, that is what the Josten's salespeople said when they were attempting to sell my Mommie a college ring. I would like to think that the same reasoning applies when a person is considering buying an expensive ring for another - that is it an outward symbol of the committed, loving relationship that binds the two of them. If Victoria cares for you more than she cares for expensive jewelry, she will understand this and accept that you are not ready to purchase her the bauble she wants and will hopefully stop "joking" about her disappointment. If she cares more for jewelry than she does for you, I am afraid this conversation will spell the end of your relationship. If that is not something you can accept, then buy Victoria the emerald ring; knowing that she is with you not for your love, but for your willingness to buy her presents in return for her presence.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie's birthstone is also the emerald! She is currently staring at the picture of the ring and saying "My preciousssssss" in a decidedly Gollum-like voice! --T.K.




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.